My marriage post has been getting an incredible amount of attention, so I thought maybe I had some kind of good thing going. Maybe we can be adults, use our words, and move on from marriage into something deeper. I will warn you ahead of time that what I am offering is not the next big thing, it’s simple advice for hot monogamy. Some of you aren’t monogamous and that’s ok. Just know that the perspective from which I’m writing is Old Married Lady.™ I’m also a lesbian, so talking about sex is inextricably interrelated with emotion. I cannot speak to everything that runs through a man’s mind, so bear with me. I can only do what I can do, and keep it fairly genderless.
- Your partner does not like you.
- Well, they probably do most of the time. It’s just that in terms of sex, if you’ve been together a long time, the things that drive you up the wall about your relationship are the same things that will keep you from having sex. For instance, say you’re terrible about cleaning up the house, and your partner does most of it. You are not getting laid, because your partner is too tired from all the work and too pissed at you. It’s not that they really care they’re doing the work. Most of the time, they don’t notice. But resentment builds over time, and if you let it go too long, you have created an emotional imbalance where one partner always feels like the parent. What parent wants to have sex with “their child?” Sex is a meeting of equals, and if you’re not an equal in the rest of the marriage, you’ll be left out in the cold here, too.
- One of you is more interested in the other.
- Relationships come in seasons. The winter is friendship and functionality, while the summer is hot romantic love that lights up everything around it. All too often, one partner is in summer while the other is in winter. If you’re the one in summer, give a little. You need to respect that your partner is busy with other things, thinking about something else, too busy with work, etc. Attention gets spread all over the place and only so much of it can be directed at sex. If you are the one in winter, give a little bit. Your partner is clearly frustrated and wants to give to you, wants to be reassured that the connection is not dying, it’s just in the process of re-birth. Let’s face it. Sometimes you have to give in when you don’t want to- not in a violent, rape-y way, but in a “for the good of the order” way. Marriages stop and start with sex. Don’t believe me? If the sex goes, are you really more than roommates? Is that going to keep your attention? Magic 8 Ball says “no.”
- The corollary to this is that the more sex you have, the more sex you want. A winter can push themselves into summer if they’re willing to have sex whether they’re turned on or not. This is because sometimes it takes sex to remember why you need it. You need it. Yes you do. You just don’t know you do. Don’t argue with me. Even if you both are too tired for penetration, sleep naked. Open the door for middle-of-the-night and early morning. Additionally, even without penetration, skin to skin contact is one of the best things you can do to make your connection to each other stronger. Sleep naked, wrapped in each others arms. Don’t let go until your arm is asleep. Trust me on this one.
- Your Partner Does Not Like it
- when you are intruding on their space. Putting either gender on the spot when you’ve been together a really long time is off-putting. It doesn’t matter when you’re dating. When you’re dating, you’d probably make do with pizza, chicken wings, and not getting caught in the bathroom. In a long-term relationship, people like to feel as if they still have a separate identity from each other. Neither of you is the other one’s sex slave. Being demanding will get you nowhere, even if you’re trying to go into “for the good of the order mode.” People don’t magically turn on and off at will, especially if they watch you pick your nose, burp, fart, and clip your toenails. Just because you’re not dating anymore doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be polite and ask if you’re interrupting something else because you have a better idea.
- When the tables are so imbalanced that one of you is asking for sex all the time and the other one is saying no. In a relationship, sex is a cornerstone. If that cornerstone cracks, you’re going to be in a world of hurt (again, it has to do with attention). It will take a while, but if you say no consistently, they’ll find someone who will say yes. In fact, the person that says no the most frequently bears the responsibility of asking for sex even more. There’s only so many times that it’s ok to hear “no” without feeling a serious sense of rejection. If your libido is low, you are (not intentionally) saying to your partner, “I do not desire you.” What you mean is that your libido is low. What we hear is “I’d rather be doing someone else.” Turn it around by not saying no. Ask for sex more, and say “later” instead of “no.” Otherwise, you’ll turn your partner into someone that feels needy for even asking. You do not want this because you will reap what you sow. I know you don’t know you’re doing it. It’s ok. It’s not on purpose. Just notice more and handle it.
- HANDLE IT
- That one phrase says a lot. You have to be so proactive with close relationships, because it’s so easy for them to crumble in a nation with a 50% divorce rate. What I see the most in talking to people is that they just don’t have the stamina to stick around when things are circling the drain. The secret that these people don’t know is that your relationship won’t be that strong until things are circling the drain and you can still talk it out. I get it that there are problems that simply can’t be worked around, but if you stop communicating, stop having sex, and start fighting to end things, at least do yourself the favor of fighting it all the way through so that you can leave in peace instead of complete chaos. I learned that one the hard way, and hopefully, it will never happen again.
- You might not think that the above has much to do with sex, but it has EVERYTHING TO DO WITH SEX. If you compile being bored with fighting with not being vulnerable, it will equal complete chaos. When times are rough, you should be having sex more and not less. This is because you have to have an anchor when problems are swimming around you. Staying close to your partner physically will, in turn, strengthen your emotional connection. Which, also in turn, will help you to be more loving, more compassionate, and more caring when you think there’s nothing left. The key to communicating emotionally is vulnerability. What do you have to offer anyone if all you’ve got is swordplay? If you hide behind your armor long enough, you are saying to your partner, “I don’t trust you enough to listen to me be vulnerable and give you that same courtesy in return.”
- Do not fight during sex
- For a lot of people, this is hard, because the only time they get vulnerable emotionally is during/right after sex. If you can’t listen without reacting angrily, then you need to table the discussion. It’s as easy as you make it. Both partners have to agree that “this is about us, and we’re going to save monster discussions until after our connection is stronger.”
- Do not even think about telling your partner what you’re really thinking about during sex. That is because most people don’t want to hear things like “we need eggs” while they’re trying to concentrate on being smooth. You know they’re not smooth. That’s why you chose that moment to bring up eggs. Help your partner save face. Keep your egg comments to yourself, unless you are trying to get pregnant.
Again, I’ve probably left out a hundred things that could be on this list. Feel free to talk about them in the comments.