Originally written in Aug. of 2006. I couldn’t bring myself to post it until now, and you’ll see why as you read. Now it’s been long enough that I don’t really care about the consequences. I’m old now, and this was in my 20’s. That should be self-explanatory enough. I also need to say for the record that I was not drinking at the concert, and I did this of my own free will. I whored myself to meet Jimmy Norton.
Even though I find the Opie & Anthony show to be crude, crass, repugnant, and all of those things, I cannot help but be in love with it. Their show is so entertaining that I’ll even listen to reruns. There are actually three “characters,” Greg “Opie” Hughes, Anthony Cumia, and Jim Norton. I have been listening to the three of them since 2001, when they were broadcasting out of New York and one of the stations in DC picked it up… and it’s all Randy’s fault that I have been falling all over myself to find them in the other various places I’ve lived. Now that they’re on XM, I’ll never have that problem again- as long as they don’t get fired. They were released from their contract in Boston because for April Fool’s Day, they told everyone that the mayor was dead and it caused Mass Panic. In New York, they were let go because they broadcast a couple having sex on the air in St. Patrick’s Cathedral on some kind of high holy day (I don’t remember which one). For years they’ve had this bumper sticker promotion called WOW, which basically means “Whip ’em Out Wednesday.” That means if you see the bumper sticker, you’re supposed to pull up to the car and flash them. The show is completely insane, and I don’t know what I’d do without it.
Jim Norton, or Lil’ Jimmy, as he is sometimes called, is extremely funny and I adore him. He’s got such a little boy quality to him, because even though he’s just as crude and crass as the rest of the boys, he eats oatmeal for breakfast. He worries about his looks and his weight. He thinks he’ll never get a good relationship. Etc. Etc. Etc. He seems a little bit more human, I suppose.
I have wanted to meet him SO BAD for the longest time, and when I found out that he was coming to The Improv, I bought tickets immediately for both my friend James and myself. Now, James is quite a character. His sense of humor is so dark/blue that sometimes I need a shower afterward. Consider this joke he wrote:
I was baptized Catholic and my wife is a Baptist… so we compromise. Now we go to the Methodist Church, but the minister is a pedophile.
The first time I heard him tell it, I laughed so hard I thought my appendix was going to fall out on the floor. So I just knew that James would appreciate Jim Norton as much as I did. I was not disappointed. He laughed like a hyena the whole time.
One of Jimmy’s hobbies is getting photos with celebrities, and he always tells the stories of obtaining them with particular gusto. My favorite was when he was at a party and met Mike Tyson. He asked him for a picture and Tyson said no. Jimmy looked at him with near-tears in his eyes and said, “but you’re the champ!’ He said he’d never felt more like a yuppie douchebag. That’s my Lil’ Jimmy. 🙂
So Jimmy comes to the point in his act where he’s talking about the celebrity photos, and at one point it got kind of quiet. Now keep in mind that I wanted to meet him really, *really* bad. I took the few seconds of silence to yell as loud as I could, “JIMMY!!! YOU’RE GOING TO WANT A PHOTO WITH ME!!!!” He looked totally and completely shocked for a second and then he said, “Why? Are you nice looking? Come into the light and let me take a look at you.” As I was walking toward the stage, he said, “Are you gonna WOW the audience?” I thought for a second. My internal monologue was running thusly:
What have I got to lose? Is my mother going to find out? Do I have any hickeys? Would it matter if I did?
In the end, I decided that if it got me any closer to Jim Norton, then I would do it. So I unbuttoned my shirt halfway down, and my boobs WOULD NOT COME OUT OF MY BRA! I practically had to break it in order to WOW the audience, but luckily, the crowd went wild with applause that fed my ego mightily.
After the show was over, a reporter from The Pulse grabbed me and told me that she was a friend of Jim’s and that what I did was funny as shit. She took down my information and asked if she could interview me for the magazine. I said, “of course,” and then she grabbed me again. “I’m going to take you to go meet him.” I grabbed James’ hand so we wouldn’t get separated and we sped through the crowd and up to the table where Club Soda Kenny was selling Jimmy’s merchandise. I bought a t-shirt that says “you stink and I don’t like you,” which is a paraphrase of Jimmy’s *one* line in Spiderman. Then, the reporter hands me a thong for Jimmy to autograph, and it is priceless. You turn it over and on the part that goes up your butt it says “PU, Jimmy Norton.” The openers signed it, too, but I don’t remember their names.
Finally, Jimmy said that he wanted a picture of me, and Club Soda Kenny got out a camera. Now I have a picture on my mantle of Jimmy and I hugging each other, and we’ve e-mailed back and forth a little bit. This all went down last Friday night, and I still haven’t recovered.
***Just a note about why Kenny is called “Club Soda Kenny.” Kenny used to be a roadie/bodyguard for Andrew Dice Clay, and whenever Dice wanted something to drink, he’d yell “Club soda, Kenny!” After a while, everyone on Dice’s tour started calling him Club Soda Kenny, and the name has carried over to O&A.