I think that our goal as humans is to master the concept of “enough.” I was thinking about this a few days ago when Margaret Cho tweeted my marriage article on her own stream, and again when Martina Navratilova re-tweeted it this morning. I think about the concept of “enough” a lot, because I think it is the primary thing that’s created much-needed sanity around my head. I sit with my eyes closed and my headphones in, playing “White Noises- Best of,” and in the silence I hear nothing but my own voice. That is intentional. I am so ADD that I cannot hear me if anything else is on. Because why in the hell would I want to watch me when I could watch Burn Notice?
Sitting there has to be enough. Listening to nothing and having all the sound blocked out around me. That has to be enough. The comfort of my own voice speaking to me, telling me tender things I could have missed. That has to be enough.
Because if it is not, one friend is not enough. One celebrity endorsement is not enough. One beer is not enough. One pizza slice is not enough.
If I cannot rest in “enough,” I run in “more.”
Do you know what I mean? Have you been there?
When you cannot rest in the concept of enough, you will constantly run toward things that you think will fill you up. But they don’t. Because you don’t see the one purse you bought to make you feel better about losing your job as enough to heal the pain. You’ll go shopping fifteen times, and every time you go shopping, you’ll buy something to make the pain stop. That pain won’t go away if Kate Spade is giving purses away for free on the sidewalk in front of your house (But, dear Jesus, that would help. Please remember me in your kindom…). In that way, things become distractions from stopping long enough to ask yourself, “what is this really about? What am I doing?”
Let’s say you don’t think shopping is a “real” addiction. Ok. Let’s get dirty. People smoke crack and buy throws from whores for the same reason they buy 15 purses.
I can’t get vulnerable enough to address my issues on my own, so I’m going to try and intentionally avoid dealing with it until my face collides with a concrete wall.
Everyone, everywhere deals with the concept of enough, because you have to find it within yourself. You have to find it sitting in the living room with your headphones on because one celebrity endorsement isn’t enough in one day. I am unemployed. I have to work to make the money to buy my sweetie whatever she wants and I can’t breathe because she’s so important to me and she makes so much more money that all I need is a few more people to recognize me. A few more.
See? In five more sentences there would have been track marks on my arms.
One of the things that has gotten me to slow down about my getting noticed craziness is that the more people notice, the more its enough. The waiting for the people to arrive is over. They’re here.
And they love me enough.