I don’t really have a topic for today. Just want to see what’s in my brain this morning that needs to come out. First, I should probably post Dana’s Valentine’s Day present, because since she’d shown it to people at work, I asked her if I could post it on “Stories.” Here is the Facebook post I wrote on Feb. 15th:
I see a lot of bitching on Facebook about Valentine’s Day and how it’s so commercialized and all. Valentine’s Day is as meaningless as you make it. For instance, Dana and I did the grocery shopping we were going to do, anyway, and did some wine/liquor tasting at Spec’s. It was so simple, and so memorable. Later that day, she handed me two pages of handwritten notes describing her love for me on plain white notebook paper, saying that she had worked on it for two days and she hoped it was just right and that it had made people at her work cry so she was pretty sure it was good……… Crying just thinking at the memory of her words before she handed them to me, because it was just the most amazing, bare moment. A girl laying her heart in my hands and hoping it was enough.
Dana completes me, which sounds so co-dependent. I won’t lie. It does sound that way. However, I do not think of it as co-dependence so much as interdependence. It is not that we do not have skills within ourselves and use each other to fill those holes. It is that we have tried through trial and error what the division of labor looks like in our house and we know which way it functions best because we’ve tried every single one that doesn’t work, I assure you. I think part of staying married for both of us has been “we’ll get it right this year. Surely we can’t fuck it up any worse.” I think every couple on earth feels this way- that there is a Right™ and Wrong™ way to be in relationship with each other and we are all failing to live up to the mythical standard that “they” represent, whoever they are.
For some people, it’s the perfect representation of Biblical marriage. For others, it’s the marriage of their parents. For me, it is not a mythical standard. it is the supercomputer drive in me to succeed, and to keep working on the unhealthy tapes in my marriage until they are gone. I believe that Dana feels the same way, because the longer we work on those unhealthy tapes (especially the ones in which we are not emotionally tied, like our own first family “stuff”), the more we discover that we like the new person we’ve just uncovered even more than the previous iteration. Relationships don’t magically fall from the sky fully formed. It’s a relationship, it is not the stork. Relationships are the work of your life, and because it is hard, you will be rewarded. If you do not feel rewarded, then you are not gaining intimacy from being able to see your person in a different light. You are stuck in their old iterations and cannot stop thinking about that person, rather than the one your person actually is. Or perhaps they are stuck in old iterations of you. The reality for the relationship is the same.
Relationships break when one person loses faith in the other, but not because of lost faith. The relationships break with a door being closed without realizing how many layers of thought processes are being interrupted on both sides. When one person loses faith in the other and is not open to resurrection, they are taking fate into their own hands and saying that they know better than time what a relationship should hold. Submitting to Dana wholly (and in part to Aaron and Argo) for me was realizing that I needed to stop trying to control time. That all relationships have a 50/50 shot of making it no matter how hard I try to do anything, positive or negative. In order for our relationships to all go deep enough to sustain us, we have to be willing to take time and regroup, and avoid saying those words that end relationships permanently because I AM TOO ADDICTED TO TRYING TO CONTROL TIME. It is in these moments that I have to breathe and remember to just abide.
Does anyone else feel like going bowling now, or is that just me? I remembered that I can’t find my phone and you’re just going to have to sit on your hands until I can find it, because that’s how I’m going to upload pictures of Dana’s gift. I like the idea of leaving you with anticipation. Go pop some popcorn. If you love my words, you will absolutely go apeshit for hers.