I have shaken myself into my smallest place and trying to react with grace and peace. I knew I was flipping the fuck out in a way that I never have before, and I even thought that I might have a medical problem that was undiagnosed because surely I could go back to normal at some point, right?
I was sitting in the bathtub, staring at my hands, knowing I saw arthropathy and wondering what to do about it. I didn’t want to go to the doctor right away. I had to sit with it mentally. What if I have an autoimmune disease?
Fucking ironic, that’s what.
I need Auna, desperately, in a friend kind of way. If she kisses me, or vice versa, I think it would be the kiss of a lifetime, or at least Top 5. We’ve been flirting FOREVER, and when I called her out on her bullshit, she stopped doing it. She’s part of my heart, and she knows it. In fact, yesterday she told me, “you ought to write about your love for me some more.”
However, I love it. I just need Auna to be Auna in the world. Her smile lifts me up when I am weak, and I certainly am right now. I am waiting on bloods to come back for fucking rheumatoid arthritis, which I noticed myself and diagnosed myself and just tried to take in the enormity of the life change I would undergo. The little things she does in my life make a big difference. For instance, she sends me the sentences that stick with her on “Stories.” Getting an attaboy from Auna is my favorite thing. Her favorite line is one of mine, and I have been saying it for YEARS: “when you’re an interracial couple in Texas, no one will even notice you’re gay.” The thing that I love about Auna is that she takes my writing seriously. We have conversations about Stories/craft, and it feels so much better to have it recognized as real. Plenty of people have given me donations and kudos, but it feels different coming from someone who has become part of my extended family of friends.
That being said, I diagnosed myself and then it scared the shit out of me when I was right. It’s starting in my fingers. It may not be rheumatoid, but it is something. I also have sugar, protein, and blood in my urine.
I am telling you all this because maybe there’s a medical reason I’ve been such a tool lately. It doesn’t excuse my behavior, but I hope it sheds some context. I hope it also proves that I am a somewhat normal person having a normal reaction in context with what I’m dealing with. If it’s rheumatoid, I will have to have very expensive IV therapy. There’s all kinds of stuff that work for people so that they can function, but it’s still scary to have to go for infusions.
Maybe I am worrying for nothing, but I don’t think so. I’m just glad that I have a GREAT doctor- Jacob Harrison at Legacy Community Health Services on Mapleridge. I am putting his info here because I think he is one of the kindest and smartest people I’ve ever met. Please go and see him. He deserves to have a large practice and patients that make him laugh.