Last night was the rehearsal dinner, which went marvelously because blocking was one less thing I had to worry about. The wedding planner had it covered. Standing next to the groom while waiting for everyone to file in was an amazing feeling…. as if a part of me was on the ground, and a part of me was floating above, recording it for posterity.
The weather was clear and cool as we all did our parts to make everything flow smoothly tomorrow. But even if it doesn’t, it will still be all right. A wedding is an event that has its own flow, and you just step into it, and kick with the speed of the current. A dog is going to bark, a baby is going to cry, an anything could turn into a thing. To fight it is to court disaster.
It seemed to be over before it began, even though we ran the service several times. I didn’t say much of what I was going to say tomorrow, because I wanted everyone in the wedding party to go to the wedding, too…. it also kept people from wasting their time when we could be eating chips and dip.
I’m just going to have to mind my robe. It’s a bit long, and I don’t want to fall into the bride and groom at any point. It would be mortifying, but over time, I’d joke about it, too. I just have my mom in my head telling me to be careful.
Speaking of my mom, I’m using her old suitcase and I found one of her ponytail holders in it while I was packing. It’s around my wrist, under my watch. She’s with me in spirit.
As is a small piece of Argo, because I remembered a conversation we had in which we talked about going to the coast, and the subject came up elsewhere. It’s like all of my losses are becoming the rocks under me as opposed to over, because thinking of them and wishing them good things is lifting me up from what was once an enormous well with weights holding me under.
Taking time in the desert, wandering toward my path rather than away from it, was just the thing I needed to do to feel this healed, remembering everything through fondness and not enmity. My world crashed and burned around me, but it has been an impetus to build something stronger in the ruins.
When it is over, this wedding will become a part of my self-confidence that I’m moving in the right direction and not the wrong one. We get few signs we can see from God and point to them as moments, but this will be one of them.
I know. I rehearsed it.