I just don’t know what the fuck to write about. Seriously. Every time I think I have a good hint, the worthlessness loop kicks in and I think of every reason not to write about whatever it is because seriously. It’s been done. My life is so boring that writing about past misadventures takes me back to a much more complicated time in my life, because as I age I get younger.
When you get there, you’ll know what I mean. Reminiscence has a way of rejuvenating us back into our best selves. We know why it’s best to have a boring life because we’ve done all the stupid shit we can possibly think of and life is still hard, but it’s easier with rules. You can’t learn that until you need them.
For everyone, it’s a different moment, but we all come to it kicking and screaming. Some people choose running, some people choose Paganism, some people go back to the Christian church that raised them because outside is scary without limits. I don’t mean AMISH rules or anything. I just mean heuristics. You start to take account of the massive amount of emotional damage you’ve put out into the world simply by having a life and being regimented becomes important because it keeps you from going postal with regret over bad decisions. I choose to walk with Jesus because the message is more important than the medium. A regional council approved the Bible. There’s only a few books left that didn’t make canon. Therefore, there has literally been enough time for us to see most, if not all, of the “evidence.” Evidence is the biggest crock of shit you will ever hear when it comes to God. OF COURSE you don’t need proof. That’s not what you use God for. Just like me, you talk to God to make sure you’re not it. That you still have empathy for your family, friends, and co-workers. It’s the lens through which you see the wider world. Science and God do different things for humanity, and it is ridiculous to pretend that you have to believe in one or the other, but never ever both. When did that become the reality?
When did we let anger and retribution win over love? When did we let the debate between science and God go down to this bare-knuckled, mouth-breathing tug-o-war? When did you start thinking that because of this supposed “war,” you couldn’t believe in God anyway because it just seemed like followers of God should grow the fuck up and behave?
Scientists, God affects humanity through self-examining cognition and repetitive behavior. You tend to cite those as negative things, when hearing the stories of people long ago with the same issues as you with a solid way to combat them is gold no matter what imagery it takes to achieve it. When you provide the “what,” we provide the connections that make it sacred. For instance, I was visibly moved by Cosmos, and so were a lot of people. To me, it was the chance to see God’s face, because I am a firm believer in Thomas Aquinas, who developed the Theory of the First Mover. He said that something had to set the creation of the world in motion. That is too big an idea for most people to take in all at once. Their stories are their reflections on the world, just like this blog is mine now.
In a lot of ways, I write so that I don’t have to do an autobiography if I don’t want to. It’s already done when someone asks for it. I’m thinking ahead because I’m good like that. I’m preparing to be important. I never have been before. I’ve never had the courage to have opinions in public until now. I was just beaten down into a miserable place, because my entire world shattered and I felt guilty because my friends didn’t even know it was coming and I couldn’t explain how many chess pieces had to move before I could even feel that deep and therefore, I didn’t either. Something snapped. Maybe it was body memory. Something broke and I couldn’t refold the map. It shattered me until my dragon found me and who blasted me with fire until my earth could incubate and sustain new growth. Therefore, I am just as connected to the earth as I am to the cloud. If I can live in both worlds, so can God.
Life is too hard not to have rules. We create them all the time… we just don’t tell others what they are. For instance, one of my pizza night friends doesn’t like deep dish… like, so opposed to it that it is worth vocalizing. Deep dish is an ugly casserole. My favorite pizza in the world is whole wheat deep dish from Star Pizza, most notably the one with EVERYTHING ON IT add pesto. I like the extra bread when the piece of pizza is weighted down with so many toppings. It doesn’t feel like it’s going to fall apart in my hand just because I got a Supreme.
I feel about pizza the same way I feel about fountain pens, coffee mugs, chef’s knives, etc. I want it to feel exactly like it’s supposed to feel in my hand, and only I know how that feels. No one can pick it out, although I did make one mistake that I’ll never forget. The first day that I worked at Tapalaya, we had the choice of heavy knives or a Global-like weight. I chose the heavy one because of the way it felt in my hand. It didn’t feel that way after eight hours.
So, German at home and Japanese at work. I had to bend my rule to be successful at cooking professionally. What rules do you bend that keep you from moving forward? What are you looking forward to learning in this time of reflection? It has been said that Advent is not a penitential season. It’s not. Lent is for that. Right now, we’re just going with the sun- turning inward to see what will change when we get it back
Science wasn’t built for that. My best hope is that we meet in the middle. I will be there to bless and celebrate their progress, because the more they work the more I do to keep the Bible relevant in the modern world. Part of how I think I do it is by letting this blog be my own gospel. That way, no one will have to wonder what I was like. It will be there in plain sight….. and then when my book joins yours and theirs and all of ours together, we will be joining the living Gospel, instead of the dying one.
What are you going to write? Who or what speaks through you? Who gives you rules? Do you allow yourself to bend them for peace? How quickly does belief become action?
Waiting. Watching. Praying on the spaces.