I honestly don’t know what I have in me in terms of writing about sex or violence. Let me flex my muscles. I am so, so sorry if this is the literary equivalent of beginning oboe. I already know I don’t know how to do this. I am not offended if you decide to go back to Dooce.
My tools are laid out meticulously- mise en place for murder. Bourdain would be so proud. There’s a cigarette lighter, a 12-inch flexible boning knife, a scalpel, and a blender on the table next to me. The blender is mostly for intimidation.
I’ve been thinking about this for so long that I can’t decide which way to take it. The man who continually abused my abuser raped both of us emotionally by robbing us of normal growth and development. For her, it was physical. For me, I never felt like I was enough, and over time my emotions dwindled into shades of rage so intense that now I can literally disconnect my id, ego, and superego. Every decision in this room is a measured conversation, and we’ll all fight to the death. It’s not a question of whether we’ll fight, only how long.
I decide to start with his hand and see how long it would take me to find inspiration for something truly memorable. I take the flexible boning knife and tease it across his palm. When I see the droplets of red gather in his lifeline, my metaphorical penis stands at attention. It used to bother me that I got off on violence, and then I realized that I didn’t want to apologize anymore. I wanted to use it. If delicately filleting human beings for information doubles as a sex toy, well, then, we’ve just used the tools we’ve been given to accomplish our goals, now haven’t we?
Blood is pooling in his palm now, and it’s starting to look painful. He’s sweating, and there is nothing soaking up the pools gathering at his feet. Slow, humiliating exsanguination has become my style. I take the knife and lay it on the table, then reach into my right breast pocket, where I’ve been hiding the ace up my sleeve. Two pills. One aspirin, one Warfarin. I have just allowed things to get quite a bit more interesting.
My hand is steady as I force the boning knife down into the meat of his cheek, saying in a sweet, childlike voice; “come on baby… just the tip.” He’ll take this blood thinner one way or another. He’s starting to whimper. The more he whimpers, the more I disconnect. Just because he’s in pain doesn’t mean I have to do anything about it. He didn’t. I pictured the woman I loved giving him a blow job and when he came the knife slid from the corner of his mouth down past his jaw and into his neck. I didn’t hit any major veins, just cut him enough to make him severely wish there was a drink to be had. I smirked. There was Lone Star in my trunk and I’m not the sharing kind.
I told Jack this was a good place for a “mindful pause” and handcuffed him to take him to the car. He could sit and spin until I finished. Like I cared it was a hundred degrees. Fucker wanted sympathy, he should have thought of that years ago.
I take my longneck and drink it til my mouth feels like it’s been kissed by an angel, as Texas beers are wont to do. I’m starting to hit my limits in terms of options. I need accomplices so that I have more eyes on this thing. I can keep him alive, but it’ll be close. I need to call Daria. Now.
-frog.- had just turned 15. Keela, or as -frog.- liked to call her, “kee,” was 18. -frog.- called her “kee” because it was emotional shorthand for the little girl that lived inside his hero, and Keela deserved his reverence. “kee” was his equal.
-frog.- was in the unenviable position of having met someone he wanted to marry at a time when the odds said it was impossible. He was a freshman in high school. Keela was a senior. The only time he ever saw “kee” was in his backyard, on the hammock between the oak trees covered in shade where she would take off her t-shirt just to let him listen to her heartbeat and reassure him he was real. It hadn’t been sexual- to hear her heartbeat was a miracle, and had been since he was 12. Today, though, something was different.
He was lying on top of her when he felt her quicken, and had to think. Keela was so strong, and “kee” was so weak. How could he tell them he loved them both? He looked down at her with new eyes. “kee, if this feels right, choose where you want me.” -frog.- saw her eyes flash, and then she was on top of him, guiding him past the temple gates, teasing him that the extra half an inch he’s been hiding from her will come in handy… and it did, for ninety whole seconds. He’d worshiped at the temple and only had time to offer one prayer.
-frog.- felt guilty. He hadn’t done anything, just let her ride him until his penis literally felt like it might need rehab, and he thought that sex should be more than that.
For those ninety seconds, though, she was screaming and holding her hair in pleasure, and when the earthquake stopped, she kissed him deeply, as if the rest of the world were in black and white and he was the only one in color… and then she came again, squeezing him into her further, and in that moment, -frog.- knew he’d found his religion.