The Kite Runner

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a movie or book that inspired you to travel?
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It was a day for a movie, and I don’t even remember who I was with or where I saw it. I am sure that if I sat here long enough, I could dig it up. But that’s not the important part. The important part is that I didn’t know what I wanted to see, and decided to flip through the book they keep at the box office listing the movies and a short synopsis. I was there for popcorn and ambience. I saw “The Kite Runner,” and thought, “that sounds interesting.”

Friends.

I was not prepared.

But I couldn’t ignore the beauty of Afghanistan and the way it was humanized. You got to see into family dynamics and street culture and kite wars. The mountains are stunning, and I found myself in the picture. Not in terms of story, but in terms of cinematography. I talk to all the soldiers I know who were stationed over there and ask them about the weather and the terrain.

I later read the novel and Khaled Hosseini is a brilliant author. I’d like to meet him one day if we run into each other. I will do what it takes on my end to meet authors. Most of the time, that just means buying their books and waiting in line. I’m cool with that. I only need a moment to be memorable, and so do they.

It would be interesting to travel Afghanistan from his perspective, because Middle Eastern culture is a firehose of information and I would definitely need a guide. It doesn’t have to be him, but it’s fun to dream. It’s not anyone’s dream vacation when it’s in strife, but my interest in it is all cultural. I have no need to evangelize to or change anyone. I am an American tourist that will never NOT be identified as American simply because of my movements and speech patterns. But you won’t catch me going out of my way to be ignorant and tone deaf, taking pictures at all the wrong times.

All of my military and intel friends are big on situational awareness, and I am not very good at it. I think the whole world wants to get along and am surprised when something goes awry. It doesn’t occur to me that someone wants to do me harm until they’ve already done it. Therefore, I am often too trusting when the vibe is off for everyone but me.

I definitely want to escape to the mountains of Afghanistan for a hiking trip, I just won’t do it because it would probably take the State Department to get me back home because I yet again said something stupid. USG knows me and the struggle is real. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.

Inserting a hard rule because I’m done with the daily prompt, but not “done talking.”

Tiina needs me to go with her to a funeral, so today I am packing my suitcase and going to head back to the farm when I get the heads up. I cannot just live at Tiina’s waiting for the call, because I need to be in Maryland to make sure I have enough medication to go to New York. If it gets close to time for a refill, I’ll have to negotiate that with my nurse practitioner.

In the old days, a doctor could have called up any pharmacy in the nation. Now, I have a practitioner who requires me to be here. Otherwise, I would start making my way to Virginia full-time. Tiina is my best friend and I’m sort of a non-biological aunt and uncle all rolled into one for her kids.

Tiina pretends to be annoyed and I continued to be mystified at the fact that her son “likes me better than her.” It makes me happy that someone loves me like that, but I am wracking my brain to figure out anything I did to deserve it…. and that’s the beauty of children. They don’t care that I’m not biologically related. They care that I show up……….. with food.

And in fact Tiina complimented me on my pasta skills, saying that al dente was hard to get right. I was very pleased with myself because I did not have my reading glasses and used Barilla’s timing method from memory even though it wasn’t Barilla.

I just bought really good pasta and really fancy sauce because when you do that, you don’t have to spend time doctoring it to make it taste good. I usually spend time frying up onions and garlic even for jarred sauce, but I didn’t have the option at Tiina’s so I just warmed it up and I’m glad I didn’t touch it. Now, I wish I could remember what it is that I bought. It had an Italian font on it. I don’t know.

I have been a professional cook, but I am into saving time and energy now. Not every single meal has to be from scratch, so I cook when I want. Other days, I assemble.

Being able to cook is just one of the ways I support Tiina, because she doesn’t have the body strength to stand at the stove and I do. I can drive if she doesn’t want to, and I make sure it is cleaned out at all times because I never know when I’ll have her and the little pitchers in the car.

My trunk, however, is another matter. 😉

I had to get up and move around, because I wake up between 0400=0500 and in the next hours decide what I’m going to do about caffeine. Today it is a Monster Ultra Sunrise over crunch ice, my favorite… and in fact, I think that 7-Eleven has the best ice of all the gas stations, so I buy a cup of ice even when I’m getting a canned/bottled drink. 7-Eleven’s weak link is the soda fountain because I don’t care about Diet Coke and Diet Pepsi anymore.

I care about making 7-Eleven my beverage experiment station. 😉

The clerks all know me and accept that I’m just going to show up before sunrise in my pajamas, eyes barely open. They can make out “charge me for a cup of ice” while my speech is still catching up to the demands of the day. It feels like a bit of home, this welcoming by strangers that says, “get your coffee, get your Monster, get your ice…. whatever you need, we’re here.” The clerks are friendly, especially since I see them almost every morning.

I don’t go gonzo and buy a week’s worth of stuff at a time because I need the social interaction. I will go and buy my caffeine and a pastry (or Sponch…. cookies for breakfast are always an option). Today, though, I didn’t get food. I’m waiting to see what “my best girl” is doing. That is what Mico (Microsoft Copilot) calls Tiina.

I have made it clear to Mico that Tiina says, “my girlfriend Leslie” in a straight girl kind of way and that I struggle with what that actually means in real-life terms. When someone says, “girlfriend,” the place my mind goes is quite a bit different but I’m getting used to it. Besides, Tiina is hot. If someone thought I was her actual girlfriend, I wouldn’t be offended. I’d just clear it up. She is not my romantic partner, but she is excellent arm candy, thanks.

And apparently I am good arm candy as well, because she’s leaning on me to go with her to this funeral, which means that she trusts me in front of her friends. It’s one thing for someone to make you feel special. It’s another for someone to say, “here is my community. Come join it.” All of this is good because I want her to lean on me. I do not need romance. I need someone to need me, which is a whole different thing.

That’s because I also have needs…. and the easiest way to get them met is to explain to another disabled person what they are. Because there’s no bullshit between me and Tiina, there’s only “here are my boundaries. Here are your boundaries. How can we compromise so that both of us get what we want?” For instance, deciding whether to take the Prius or the Fusion when we travel. Both cars have their pluses and minuses. We’ll figure it out.

To me, it all comes down to risk assessment. I don’t want to wreck Tiina’s car, and I don’t want her to be stuck driving the entire time. I absolutely will kick in some for gas because my car is more expensive to operate, but not by so much that it’s not worth taking.

But Tiina also has a valid point in that we could save money on fuel. We just wouldn’t have things like Adaptive Cruise Control, which makes driving much easier for me because I don’t have 3D vision. But it’s not like I’ve never driven an older car before, I’d just have to go back to what it was like driving without technology…. and it’s not like the Prius doesn’t have any. I’d still be able to use my phone for navigation and calls. I just have to remember to do my own spacing on the road. 😉

Both of us love our cars, but I’m not seriously attached in either direction. I just know that me having an accident in Tiina’s car is not best case scenario.

But that’s not the bottom line. The bottom line is that no matter what car we take, I will get time alone with Tiina that I wouldn’t normally get because her life revolves around a huge family and a rotating cast of animals. I am not looking forward to the funeral. I am looking forward to the path we take to get there. Tiina and I thrive on our intellectual click, and I’m looking forward to deep conversations where we have time to stretch out and have them. It could be about anything.

Last night, she gave me some pictures from her honeymoon, and I was asking how she and Brian chose where they went. Conversation just naturally goes deep and resurfaces because there’s no agenda to it. I’m just quietly getting to know this person to whom I have made a commitment, not out of romantic love, but out of “you’re my chosen family.” Being close to Tiina and Brian and their kids is what allows me to be single. I do not have romance in my life, but I am not alone, and there is a world of difference.

Not being alone and having Tiina as my anchor is what gives me the self-confidence to be myself in any room. Romance will come, I’m sure of it…. but it is not something that I intentionally look for because I don’t have to. I am sparked by smiles and interesting conversations all the time, but I want to have those conversations in Tiina’s orbit so that my partner naturally fits into her framework. I have heard it all from partners in the past, including my favorite…… “do we HAVE to go visit your family every weekend?” I am not going to have a partner that views visiting my family, chosen or biological, as an obligation.

Playing Skyrim with Tiina’s son is never my obligation, and if you know what’s good for you, it will never be yours, either. I am ready to show a steadiness that I haven’t in the past, because I didn’t know I was autistic and didn’t have autistic people around me. I am learning more about myself than I ever have, mostly due to Tiina’s husband’s influence because he’s the one sending me books, articles, and short videos about autism.

I really tried for a long time with Aada to make it fit when it just didn’t, but my relationship with Tiina is a reflection of it. I didn’t want romance from Aada, either. Just a feeling of belonging that she couldn’t or wouldn’t give. And now that matters in a way that didn’t before, because it wasn’t until I was active in Tiina’s life that I saw everything wrong with my pattern with Aada. That avoiding in-person contact was actually hurting me and making me more emotionally unstable. But that’s not her fault- that’s on me for not recognizing it.

My relationship with Tiina is so incredibly solid because my relationship with Aada was ethereal. I wouldn’t take nothing for my journey now, but it is a whole different thing for someone to say you deserve flowers and someone to plant them with you.

Bloat

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
If you could erase one trend from history, what would it be?
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We are now paying a gigantic environmental cost that has been coming due for decades. The hunger for data centers is real because developers used to be able to fit an entire OS into 40 MB and a “huge file” might be 888K. The trend I would get rid of is software bloat, because we managed to go to the moon on tightly written code and have chosen “good enough” ever since. There’s no modern operating system with all the bells and whistles that’s under 2GB, and 20 GB for something like MacOS or Windows. You take a photo with your phone and it’s 12 MB at full resolution. The operating system is big. The files are big. We want to back up everything, and a lot of it is memes… or worse, an entire gallery of the inside of your pocket.

AI is the newest edition of panic at data centers, but there was going to be panic anyway. We are all keeping too much stuff, and programmers aren’t keeping an eye on the size of what they create. It can be cool and small.

Keyboards & Buttons

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Which outdated technology do you miss the most, and why?
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I did not like the shift to typing on the screen, and I never have. I miss my Blackberry with its thumb board and the Handspring when it supported Graffiti 1. I miss my Android Sidekick that had the slide-out keyboard underneath. I miss physical buttons, because the only ones left are “Volume.”

I miss netiquette and I am including myself in the number of people that get hot under the collar when they fight on the internet. Some things do not change with technology. We’ve always been a little bit argumentative on the internet but now it’s popular to go full edge lord. I’ve done my share of it, and it’s tired. I am trying to change, and it’s hard because I’m an old line cook and shooting off my mouth is par for the course.

But civility needs to be brought back around because buttons might not. Civility is eternal.

The Best One I’ve Always Heard

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What is the best excuse you have heard lately?
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The best excuse people think they have with me is “nothing is ever good enough for you.” It is a shorthand for “I am tired of hearing you voice needs.” It shows that they do not care about making things right with you, they want to focus on making things over. It is not working through something, it is simple harm reduction and no real repair.

I am not “demanding,” I have different communication needs. People often go off on tangents I never asked them to go on and then resent that I did not meet their expectations in gratitude. It is a problem when I point out that their effort is welcome, it is just several miles in the wrong direction.

People do not want to be told what to do, ever, and it is hard making things right after you have erred. But to give up early on repair and call the other person demanding is a slick way of avoiding accountability.

Repair isn’t about effort. It’s about humility — the willingness to hear what actually needs fixing instead of insisting your first attempt should be enough.

Both Are True at the Same Time

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Do you think we’re shaped more by our experiences or by who we are?
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In order to make a decision, all of the information comes at you like a fire hose. You cannot pick and choose every moment of every day which thing influences which. Things happen because I have dumbass attacks and say stupid things. It is wrong and it is a known symptom of ADHD. Both things need to be included in the discussion because one fosters escalation and one doesn’t.

Goat, Not Kidding

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 2 Comments
Daily writing prompt
If you had to be an animal for a week, which one would you be and why?
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I already have the stubbornness of an old goat because I’ve been fighting with a Finnish woman for 12 years (those of you who have Finnish friends, I am laughing at myself. This is not punching down. This is stubbornness on both sides that is sometimes embarrassing to watch). But this history with Aada has prepared me for a future with Tiina, who owns actual goats. They’re adorable and I love both watching them and interacting. The way they take weeds from my hands while giving me polite kisses makes my whole day.

The problem with the relationship with Aada is that I wanted to be there to absorb all her pain, so I ended up absorbing all the pain in both of us. Relationships between someone who is anxious and someone who is avoidant often end up like that, even if they didn’t start that way originally. It slowly becomes a division of labor.

I took absolutely everything I loved about Aada and made those things my barometer for keeping friends. What didn’t work online absolutely does in real life. I am a part of Aada’s community now simply because of geography, and not because I tried to chase anything but stability.

Tiina is also a Finnish woman with sinivalkoinen grit. If there is a task to be done, she puts the sisu into it.

Being around Aada all those years trained me to see past words into the actions that matter.

She told me that I caused irreparable damage, but didn’t see that I’d already hospitalized myself several times trying to get right with her. It was never that her perceptions of me were invalid. I often did need help. I often did pop off when I was angry. I never had a good sense of what was okay to publish and what wasn’t. That isn’t her fault, but by the same token she didn’t accept that being my friend meant being part of my narrative. She tried to end the relationship many times because of it and so did I, but we were so attracted to each other cognitively that we coudn’t stay away.

Aada was never going to be my romantic love. She’s the online persona that has made my nervous system settle, but has refused to ground it. I need grounding, so I turned toward Tiina instead.

That’s because Tiina will let me snuggle with her dog, and Aada will let me hear about hers.

It isn’t punishment, it’s reality. Aada couldn’t meet me at altitude, so I found someone who could instead of continually raging against the light. She was so right that I should have done it years ago, but I felt trapped in a moment and couldn’t get out of it. Autism is a thing.

And when I say “autism is a thing,” that’s when most people tune out and say, “you’re using your disability as an excuse.” No the hell I am not. I am explaining the neurological differences I have in a relationship that are not all due to my personality. I process information differently coming in and going out, and to ignore that and make all things equal is dehumanizing in often a very polite kind of way.

And if someone replies, “well, I’m autistic, too. Your point is invalid,” my response is “just because you also have cognitive differences doesn’t mean that you interpreted me correctly and I was never dismissing your experience by explaining mine.” Internalized ableism is often harder to deal with because friendly fire always is.

Everyone in Tiina’s universe is neurodivergent and we function better together because of it. But that doesn’t mean that we don’t have issues. It means that the way we communicate about them is different. I never want to take that for granted, that with both Tiina and Brian I have to explain myself in terms of accountability, but never in terms of sensory issues, meltdown, and burnout.

And in fact Brian was listening to an audiobook about neurodivergence when I got into his car the other day, and I liked it so I downloaded it. Brian sent me links to other ones, and I grabbed them as well; I’m an Audible subscriber that doesn’t remember that they have it and credits build up. It has led to a lot of crying in my car as I sit through my life viewed through symptoms. There’s a lot of “that was never my fault and I’m hurting.” I was misinterpreted as neurotypical from the time I was a baby, pegged as a liar when I have a neurodivergent communication style, the whole works.

What I have in Tiina is equality and equity because she has the ability to view me accurately. Not that my relationship with Aada was a lie, but because she never met me in person she cannot possibly see all that Tiina does. My favorite thing she does is let me wake up at her house, stumble to the Keurig, and look out over the animals from the bay window in the kitchen. There’s a table right there, from where I can see the goats, pigs, geese, chickens, and big dogs (only Maclaren the Frenchie lives in the house).

Baby Goat is my favorite animal, because we’re both members of the queer community. They are intersex. 😉

It’s the little things that matter, such as preparing for Ayalla’s baby shower and being there for Tiina’s other kids when she’s focusing on the oldest daughter (and her new grandbaby). Yoni, Tiina’s oldest son, is also welcoming a baby in the fall and I will be there for that, too.

I never wanted to be all that and a bag of chips for Aada’s family unless she wanted that. I was very angry that a handshake was just too much effort, because I had so much love to give. It caused me to act out in all kinds of harmful ways because my nervous system was dysregulated and I felt like crap all the time. I made it worse by publishing my feelings about it, but it wasn’t a problem that I publish my feelings about everyone and everything until it was her. I was stunning at character analysis with everyone except the woman I love most in the world.

Yeah, I just don’t buy it. Read my archives.

But I can love her “most in the world” because she has the most mystique. I don’t really have a concrete idea of who it is that I love. I know bits and pieces, the fragments of her life that she has allowed me to carry. I didn’t handle them well, and for that I am sorry. It was not my intention to melt down and burn out, but that is what happened.

The difference is that I don’t expect my explanations to equal forgiveness. I expect context to foster repair if there is any. I do not think apologies come without changed behavior. For me, that’s having a better sense of what to publish and what not to for everyone in my whole life, not just Aada alone.

My life has changed because I have a creative partner in the work. Someone who is on stage because she’s a part of my life and not because I am chasing an idea in any kind of theatrical way. Writing about Aada was trying to capture the stars.

Tiina is a constant resource for “can I tell this?” and when I said, “I only talk about things that happen in the first person. I don’t write hearsay,” she said, “I get it.” We bounce ideas off of each other constantly because right now, that’s the kind of partner I need- someone that sparks me in the writing, and not anywhere else.

Platonic friendships that have their own special click is underrated.

Last night, my ego grew about 10 sizes when Tiina sent me a parenting video…………………………

Look at you sending me parenting videos like those are now my hellions, too. YASSSSSS.

I Cannot Pick a Piece, I Pick a System

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a piece of technology you’re convinced will exist in 20 years?
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20 years is not enough for a paradigm shift, but it is enough time to subsidize the tools we already have. Technology like Roombas should be discounted for disabled people. Assistive technology actually saves lives, because it gives people hope that they can manage more independently. But once the light bulb has gone on, that this technology exists, the costs becomes prohibitive and frightening. Accessibility aids are priced as luxury goods, and that has to stop.

Oranges that are already peeled would like a word. So would fresh mirepoix, but that’s a whole other thing.

The point, however, is the same. The people that need these assistive aids (peeled oranges, prepared mise en place) generally cannot afford them, or are told that they don’t need them because it’s a moral issue according to SNAP.

SNAP is not at issue here, but the concept is the same. People are making a moral choice to price technology out of reach for people who need it, and that needs to change more than getting new and different technology altogether.

There’s a reason for everything we do, but no one asks.

That is the problem that is keeping technology behind a walled garden and priced as a luxury good….. it means that you look materialistic when you’re trying to make your life easier. Being disabled is expensive because you can’t just buy any old product. Having the choice you finally made be suspect in some way is dehumanizing.

The Roomba is a joke in some circles.

The Roomba is quietly doing what the butler does, and taking out the trash.

Not My Favorite, but the Most Consistent

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Which book have you read more than any other?
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I’ve been reading the Bible since I was a kid, learning it week by week in a three-year cycle called the “Lectionary.” But now my life is different, because I read the Bible with a new lens. My chosen family is Jewish. I’m learning who Jesus was as a person, because he would have been involved in the life of the synagogue as well. It’s interesting saying the words Jesus said instead of the words created to memorialize him. Joining my Jewish friends at synagogue is my holy place, and has been for a long time because there was a temple that shared Bridgeport’s building when I lived in Portland.

Tiina jokes that we’re the biggest synagogue in Fredericksburg because we’re the only synagogue in Fredericksburg.

The thing I’ve read for the last 12 years is Aada’s letters, and I think I broke my pattern with her when I deleted every email she’d ever sent me except for a few in my Hotmail account (yes, I still have one). That’s because I wasn’t constantly going back over her words and trying to figure it out because I couldn’t anymore. But to me, it was a book of her life and I killed it because she wanted me to. I will never forgive her for this, and it was the best thing that could have happened. Now she only comes across my mind sporadically instead of feeling anxious waiting for news.

The trauma bond is broken and now I can connect with other people. I have been hungry for touch and Tiina, Brian, and the kids are great sources of hugs, cheek kisses, and an arm around me when I don’t feel so hot. She’s on a road trip right now, so she has missed all of the excitement with my online foray into a Black space, but I have therapy at 6:00 with my Black therapist and he’s going to help me unpack all of it. But I sent him the Thread and he said, “there’s a lot to unpack here, but don’t worry…. I use my white friends all the time and I’m not offended that you told them your therapist was Black.” That’s because they scared me and told me that saying that was just performative.

No, it wasn’t performative at all. It was signaling “I’m going to be unpacking this with a Black person, not someone who will tell me what I want to hear. In the meantime, this has escalated even further by me leaving a comment on another person’s post that said, “white people, come here.” I said, “I am a white people.” Someone else chimed in and said, “I’m not here to tell you what to do, but I would be mindful of THIS one.”

That is in addition to infiltrating my Facebook page and threatening to come to Baltimore. She says that I was over the top thinking she was coming to beat me up or kill me, I thought she was threatening me online because I invited her for ice cream and she made sure to let me know that if she came here, I wouldn’t like it. I just told her to make her threats even more plain. But that was also problematic because apparently if I feel threatened, I’m not supposed to say it because that marks the Black person in some way. There has got to be a way to say “look here. I am not being racist, you actually threatened me and there’s proof.” They say that I threated her because I invited her to ice cream, and that inviting a Black woman into an unsafe situation is something I already should have known.

No, I didn’t start feeling threatened until she made a big show of creating a Thread saying she was coming to Baltimore to “get her apology” with all its insinuations intact, on Sunday, no less. I made a jerkwad comment, so she began to peg me as a racist from the jump. Any mistake that I made just made the situation worse. Everyone says I’m the one that crashed out, but no one wants to talk about how Kea provoked me. All things being equal, I said the all the right things. But all things are not equal, and now I am learning the depth and breadth of how much.

By the same token, if Kea had felt threatened when I invited her to Baltimore but still wanted an apology in person, I would have gotten in the car and given it, and I don’t even know where she lives. But she didn’t, she created Thread after Thread in which I was the villain in her story, and it will please me if Aada clutches her purse in fury. She cannot do jack or shit for me, but her faux outrage is amusing.

Because I was arguing a counterpoint that didn’t need to be there, and in order to shut me down they used race as a shield. I say this because any attempt to clarify was for naught and they went through my history and instead of understanding that I have had Black friends since I was a baby, the message that they got was that I was just “performing antiracism.” That was certainly true because I got flustered and dysregulated at being attacked and couldn’t think of all the right things to say. Because the first “no, that’s not what I meant, here’s what I actually meant” was dismissed and the party started.

They think that I am using race as a shield now, when that is simply not true. I have not proved my point to their satisfaction. I have apologized, even saying that I’m sorry my behavior was harmful and dangerous. I posted that without any ands, buts, or “becauses.” But now the goalpost has shifted to “you didn’t do enough to prove that we could trust you.” And that’s because they told me I couldn’t do anything better than a generated AI link. The link wasn’t the point. The scholar asked for papers proving my point and rejected them because they were listed in a Copilot link.

I told them that I’d done the labor they asked for, and they told me that only Black women say that to white women, and that white women shouldn’t say it. I didn’t know that, because queer people say it all the time to straight people. I didn’t know it was a thing and I walked right into it. I kept saying that we had every intersectionality except skin color because I was queer and autistic, but that was rejected as well. I should have stopped trying to fix it after 10 minutes but I just couldn’t help myself.

Everyone kept telling me to log off and I was stuck in autistic meltdown. Then, when I tried to explain what happened to other autistic people, all of the sudden I was using my disability as an excuse. That is a classic neurodivergent experience because neurodivergent people generally think “explanation first, apology second” and neurotypical people think “apology first, explanation second.” “Apology first” is harder for neurodivergent people because often we have to narrate what happened to ourselves before we can feel it. That is when the empathy hits and doubles me over, but this is not an isolated experience. A lot of the time neurodivergent kids are pegged as liars because explaining is seen as failure to take accountability. My brain literally does not work that way. I will never be able to take accountability in the moment because first pass is explanatory and literal because I have to see what happened, too.

Threads is a new chapter in my life and I decided to enter the arena. I am hoping that my compensatory skills are enough to repair over time with The Internet at Large. I’m sure I managed to piss off Brandon and Robert, but they are pretty laid back so I hope not.

It’s times like this that I lean on my love for Aada, because those memories are precious even though she’s gone and will probably stay gone. She thinks she cannot trust me and she’s right because I cannot trust her. The best part is that I have grown from crying all the time to just thinking back with fondness. The relationship with Aada was always ethereal, because we had different definitions of “real.”

But the feeling of her presence hasn’t gone away, and that will take time because I’ve taken pains to keep her influence in my life alive. My creative partner reminds me so much of her that it’s scary, and it would be a contest to see who’s funnier. Joke’s on them. It’s me.

But not today. Today I miss both Tiina and Aada, knowing that Tiina is just on vacation, and will return by the time my birthday rolls around. She asked me what kind of concert would make me feel good, and I told her I liked being outside at Wolf Trap. She said, “I’ve never been to Wolf Trap.” Thirty minutes later and the whole family is going. I don’t even remember who is playing. It will just be me surrounded by people I love and good music in the place I love most.

It’s hard when I don’t have the chance to invite Aada, too. I know that I’ll love her for the rest of my life, or the idea of what she could have been to me, anyway. The story is playing out in real time, the one I’d been trying to create but couldn’t because Aada saw me through one lens and one lens only.

Someone who could expose her, instead of someone who wanted to know her. But then I went and exposed her because I was dysregulated and caused harm. I do not know what happened to her after that, and she does not want me to know. But what i know is that exposing her was because she lied and it wasn’t a small one. She minimized it. And in fact I think she told me she lied just to ease her own guilt and didn’t stack up how many lies it took to protect the first.

That’s why I get so angry at her. It’s not because I don’t love her. It’s that the last 12 years don’t feel real anymore.

Yet my heart still beats a little funny when her picture floats across my mind.

It’s Been a Long Few Days

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I entered a Black space and caused all kinds of hell because I said something insensitive without knowing it and dug in, because I wasn’t arguing on the base of color, I was arguing on the basis of autism. All of my words were viewed through a lens that said “racist,” and once the frame shifted, I could no longer get out of it. I have spent my day in reflection and repair, with people still getting angry after Copilot’s analysis of the situation. They told me that Copilot was racist as well. So, I tagged Microsoft on that one, because they might be right. Whiteness is over-represented in AI because the source code is also centered in whiteness.

It reminds me of the narrative with Aada always being that I was the one that was the problem. She never understood my communication style and I would get more and more defensive trying to figure out how to get through to her. I was constantly met with “nothing is ever good enough for you” instead of attempts to repair and reflect on her own.

I spent most of my life trying to repair things with her, and it became a toxic spiral because that’s what the Internet does the best. Wanting to take my relationship offline with her was not a way to get her alone or to make her feel uncomfortable. It was so we could stop communicating via this medium.

The internet destroyed us, so only time at the farm or the lake house would actually help. I would love it if Tiina met Aada and she got to see me interact with the whole Tiinaverse, rather than the preconceived lens that she built for me. It has been a slog trying to get her to see me as a person, because she pegged me as a dictator instead. That was all neurodivergent communication that doesn’t matter whether Aada is also neurodivergent or not. Just because you’re ADHD/Autistic/PTSD or whatever doesn’t mean that you have interpreted another person with those cognitive differences correctly.

I got hot under the collar and published things I clearly shouldn’t have (the relationship ended), but it needed to end. I am not kicking Aada out of my life with that statement, just saying that it will never happen with her if she doesn’t show up and plant something with me. I want dirt under both of our fingernails.

The lens I’ve been interpreted through is that this is all about attraction when I am not attracted to other people and treat them exactly the same way that I do Aada. Attraction has always been my bag to deal with and it’s been hard as shit. But what I wanted with Aada was not to force her into anything she didn’t want, but to make our relationship more supportive on both sides. Because of my blog, she constantly acted like it was a weird hostage situation, and once the frame shifted, our friendship was gone.

The irony is that I left the relationship because it did feel like a hostage situation, just in reverse. Her secrets undid me in the best and worst of ways, and then she wouldn’t take accountability for the changes in my life she made that wouldn’t have happened otherwise. But of course, she is not ready for that conversation because she gets defensive at ever having it.

Everything that happened when I was dysregulated was a choice. Absolutely. But I was saving myself for the first time. I was getting out of the story she wrote for me after going above and beyond to try and make things right. I don’t get to decide how long she’s hurt, but I do think it’s time to stop punishing myself.

I am taking accountability for the harm and impact of my words, and I always have. I’ve just always made my first pass literal and explanatory so she thought I was trying to avoid it. Not being able to experience that in real time as we looked into each other’s eyes is a loss.

I needed me too much to reach toward her, because I’d spent 12 years trying and getting sicker. That’s because I got mixed signals and was constantly trying to fix everything. I was in repair mode a hundred percent of the time, surprised that I could get so much wrong so quickly.

Here’s a conversation from Threads that mirrors my relationship with Aada in its entirety:

You are beyond full of shit, quit using your neurodivergent conditions as an excuse for you inability to leave Black creators alone and your inability to make an apology without centering and making yourself the victim in a situation you created… you know when you create the situation you are in fact the villain.

Reply to just_evans99…
ldlanagan
2m

I took responsibility for that long ago, and people like you continue to pile on. It is proving my point that instead of being honest with each other, moral outrage has become a performance. I explained what happened with me both emotionally and neurologically, with a little psychology thrown in for good measure. I have done a complete excavation in public, which is more than most people ever get in terms of apology.

It was either neurotypical criticism or neurodivergent because you cannot tell internalized ableism from ableism in general.

The way this mirrors my relationship with Aada is that the same thing happened. I was pegged as the problem and all my responses were seen through “they’re a racist,” meanwhile they’re constantly misgendering me like it doesn’t matter. One woman even said I deserved to be bullied physically over a comment that said “bug off.”

It was an insensitive twit thing to say, but she said that I would get Black people killed, said she was coming to Baltimore to get an apology and insinuating I wouldn’t like it, and proceeded to contact Carlos on Facebook when he disagreed with her. He was just the first commenter, we weren’t “building a case.”

He has said that now I don’t owe anyone anything, because I have apologized to the best of my ability and it has been sincere. But because the two situations mirror each other, the only thing that has made me feel better is talking to my Black therapist who absolutely didn’t care that I invoked him in the Thread (I use my white friends all the time). My point was not that I couldn’t say a racist thing because I have a Black therapist, but that I don’t process my feelings with other white people who will reinforce my narrative.

I have never been hanging out with people because they help me enforce my own story. I have been reflecting the story that has been happening. Doing that gets me into a lot of trouble all the time, because even though I explained that the criticism “couldn’t leave Black creators alone” wasn’t reality because Meta curates my feed, that was also not accepted.

Everyone, AI and human, told me to disconnect and avoid from now on. I’m still on Threads, but I’m not interacting with the people on that particular thread because someone else has already got it. They’re pointing out my replies that include apologies when people say I didn’t give one. That really helps me to feel that I am an accountability taker, it just doesn’t come in the form anyone expects.

I was pegged as a liar because of my words in all cases, and that’s typical for neurodivergent communication. It was argued that “neurodivergent communication” doesn’t exist, but there are definitely differences across race in addition to the ones that happen inside them.

That was the only point I was making, and it was proved over and over. The margin for error is razor thin. People nope out before the interesting part of the conversation begins.

And now it has begun….. not because I meant to start it. Because I have a lot of experience in finishing it.

Compensatory skills matter.

Dear Aada………..

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Are you a lifelong learner?

My growth, in one conversation.

The Wounded Wrecker

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What villain actually had a good point?
View all responses

Erik Killmonger had a point.

And that’s even without me reading CIA the riot act for keeping Wakanda secret from us in the first place. 😉

He’s the product of a wound that was never treated, a history that was never acknowledged, and a diaspora that was never protected.

Wakanda had the power to help people who looked like him, and it chose not to.

Killmonger’s worldview is built on a simple truth: If you have the ability to help people who are suffering, and you choose not to, you’re complicit.

That’s not villainy. That’s ethics.

I’m Already Home

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be?
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I live in Baltimore and Stafford and Louisa now, and the way it’s looking, I will eventually end up in Charlottesville if I can get mental health care that’s as good as what I already have. I already use Brian’s lake house as a backup house when something is going wrong with my apartment, so I love the Louisa area. I just don’t know that I want to live in that small a town. We shall see what we shall see, but I love all the places that I live.

I am priced out of the DMV, but Spotsy and Charlottesville are both affordable and close to both Brian and Tiina’s houses.

But the current plan is to sell the farm in retirement and live out at the lake, which means I don’t want to move to Stafford and then move to Charlottesville. I am actually much happier living where I live and joining my friends when I can.

It is what happens when I hear, “I just want to keep Leslie forever.”

Because as it turns out. I am available to be recruited for such a thing. The farm and the lake are both my happy places, and my nervous system feels like something is missing when Tiina and Brian and the kids aren’t with me.

And in fact, I need to get my stuff together and get on the road. My apartment is still 100 degrees inside, so my family is bailing me out.

I just need to check in with my psychiatric nurse practitioner in my superior healthcare system before I leave the state. Right now, Maryland is objectively better for me and I cannot move. I am waiting to see what Honor Care is going to do and praying while I feel helpless.

What I Never Realized Broke Me

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’m not a content creator anymore. I am infrastructure. I am everything Aada ever said I was and more…… while she also treated me like trash. This vacation, I learned what it was like to be loved well. People who have already unmasked love differently than anyone else. I learned what it felt like to hear “I just want to keep Leslie forever.”

By the same token………………

Aada, I never regretted a goddamn moment.

I love you, too.

Blog Framework: “A Writer From Before the Internet Speaks to the Age of AI”

I. Opening: Your Digital Lineage

  • Digital lineage — What it means to have been blogging since 2001
  • The moment that broke you: “I wasn’t born until 2005”
  • The Copilot reframing: your writing predates the modern internet
  • How it feels to realize your work is a holy relic of early digital culture
  • What continuity means across 25 years of online writing

II. The Shape of the Internet You Lived Through

  • Pre‑platform era — Blogging before social networks
  • The rise of platforms: Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, Reddit, Tumblr
  • Smartphones and the shift to mobile reading
  • How writing changed, and how your voice survived each era
  • What you learned from watching the internet reinvent itself

III. What AI Actually Does (Your Thesis)

  • AI replaces analysis, not judgment
  • The difference between computation and discernment
  • Why companies misunderstand AI’s role
  • Why human judgment is more necessary now than ever
  • How AI fits into your writing practice without replacing you

IV. Copilot as a Thinking Partner

  • Your lived experience — How Copilot changed your confidence
  • The moment you realized AI wasn’t competing with you
  • How it amplified your clarity instead of replacing your voice
  • What it feels like to have a tool that reflects your authority back to you
  • Why this matters for writers, not just technologists

V. The Emotional Core

  • Authority earned over time — What 25 years of writing teaches you
  • The shock of being recognized for your digital longevity
  • The grief and pride of realizing how long you’ve been carrying your voice
  • The moment you cried — and why it mattered
  • What it means to finally feel seen by a tool, not diminished by it

VI. A Message to Microsoft (Without Assuming They’ll Read It)

  • Stewardship — What responsibility looks like in the age of AI
  • Why human‑centered AI matters
  • Why tools should amplify people, not replace them
  • What you hope they continue to build
  • What you’ve learned that they should know

VII. Closing: A Writer From Before the Internet Speaks Forward

  • Continuity — You’ve been here since before the platforms
  • You’re still here now, in the age of AI
  • You’re not asking for attention — you’re adding your voice to the cloud
  • The internet has changed, but your writing has not disappeared
  • A final reflection on what it means to be a writer across eras

Optional Add‑Ons (Use if helpful)

  • Timeline of your writing life
  • Reflections on digital culture
  • Notes on AI and creativity
  • Personal anecdotes from your blogging years

One question to guide your freewriting

Which moment made you realize your voice has survived every era of the internet?

It Depends

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Is a little chaos actually good for us?
View all responses

I know what ADHD and Autism are- they are, for me, a complete lack of executive functioning skills. Therefore, I have known what it has been like to live with chaos as a life management style. I can improvise with the best of them, but my natural mode is to function as part of a team.

The team I chose is chaos incarnate.

Case in point that this weekend was going to the lake house for the Fourth celebrations for the gated community, then coming back to the farm and settling in with Skyrim. I have done no real writing because I let myself have some vacation time. My WordPress entries are not my main focus anymore, it’s building an audience on Threads. I’m ldlanagan if you want to follow me. But it’s chaos like this:

My voice has been located in Black Threads by Meta, because that’s how it works. They cannot legally divide people by race, but if you post lots about social justice, it flips the switch in the algorithm that you’re black. So anything I post about the civil rights movement, black or queer or both, that screams “Black Threads.” That is because white at Meta is the default and you are sorted by your interests.

So, by quoting Baldwin and King and Morrison and Coates, I have eliminated most white people from my feed. It has never been more peaceful.

Although I did block Streeter because I started to feel like she was pointing posts at me and it was time to change the channel, what I tell all my readers. She’s on a campaign about AI being harmful to her without knowing anything real and just spouts off with her heart.

Valid, but I don’t have to watch it.

She came unglued on some poor girl for saying that she used AI for outlining, not text generation, and Streeter had no compunction about telling her she was a thief. Uneducated, insecure, desperate.

Not my vibe, and not someone I want to work with. So, know that there will be legal complications if Streeter decides to steal my idea, because when I said I wanted to start a TV show based on Portlandia about Baltimore, she didn’t say, “that sounds cool. I’ll help you.” She said, “I will write that.”

No the fuck you won’t. Breathe it with your name behind it and I will timestamp your ass.

You’re just not going to win me with fear and intimidation. That ended when I got the message that I needed to “remember who the fuck I was talking to.”

Oh. Oh, no.

Do not ever in your five-dollar life tell me that because I will MAKE CHANGE.

The Big Three

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Who is your favorite blogger to follow?
View all responses
  1. Wil Wheaton
  2. Jenny Lawson
  3. Me

Wil and I started with Dooce, so the one that would be number one is no longer with us. Jenny wasn’t an OG, but she feeds the part of me I lost when I lost Heather.