Letters

Dear Fanagans,

There are so many things that Dana and I have shared over the years that have just made us dissolve into giggles, and I think our humor is why we’ll stay together until we die. We are not a complete conversation unless you have both of us, because we talk in tennis matches.

We have joked over the years that we share a brain, and that it was really hard when I lived in Houston. I felt the same way, even though I didn’t love her in a romantic sense at the time. I would like to think that if Dana and I hadn’t ended up together as a couple, we still would have gone down in history as famous friends, like Eleanor Roosevelt and Amelia Earheart… and by famous writer, I want to be known for writing and not how I came to my demise.

I have to believe I’m going to make it as a writer, because even though there is no evidence of it yet, I dream it so that one day, it will happen. It would be my dream to go down in history for writing letters- good letters that shake you up, make you think, and are something worth keeping LONG after you’ve received it. To me, it’s worth it to be vulnerable with more people than just my wife. It creates a safety net of closeness so that I’m not dependent on solely her. Writing gives me the chance to do just that.

I like the safety of the quiet to really think about what I want to say to you. I weight them because a letter, especially a handwritten letter, is one of the most clear ways to say, “I am not putting you on the spot.” Therefore, it tends to lead to people opening up to me, as well. It’s my favorite part of writing- reading the response. It’s often more important to me than what I sent to you. Not to get a response is such a rejection because I know that I’ve probably gone too far and caused injury without ever meaning to do so. I console myself with the thought that all people are slammed to the wall busy, and it’s not personal, and I move on.

And then a few months go by, and I get something beautiful. Equally thoughtful. Often something I will want to keep forever. Every e-mail you’ve ever sent me is still archived. I have a memory box, and every letter that I’ve ever received is in it, except for the ones from what I consider the most damaging memory of my teens. I used to hide my letters in my spare backpack kept in the very back of my closet. One day, the air conditioner went out and water seeped into the backpack quickly. I had friend back then that I used to pen pal with, and every letter she wrote me was in there. These were hard earned letters, sneaked from the mailbox when no one was looking. I’d been poring over them because they were as precious as fine silk. All of them. Gone in a moment. My house burned down when I was in sixth grade, and it was easier to grieve.

I still have the letters I wrote to my first girlfriend, because my letters were so important to me that I couldn’t bear the thought of not seeing them again. As a bonus, she gave me all of hers as well. I was offended at the time that she didn’t want to keep my words, but now I have complete conversations. We’re friends again, so I saved the day. I could show her who she was back then, and she thought it was hilarious. To be almost thirty and reading the cringe-worthy words of her late teens made her laugh.

A few years ago, she and her then-wife came to my apartment in Houston and I got them all out. We sat for hours laughing at each other in the way that only old friends can. She is the reason my ex-girlfriends are *so* important to me. They know me, sometimes better than I know myself, and I never forget it. If you can get over old relationships, it’s worth it to keep former lovers as friends. After the appropriate amount of time for grief has passed, they are invaluable insight into what a crazy betch/deck you are. Make sure you meet and befriend your partner’s exes, too. They are precious gold in dealing with the love of your life you wish you could murder in their sleep.

As a bonus, after a while you realize how awesome it is that you aren’t with them anymore, and that staying together was overrated. Really cuts down on the possibility of an affair, kind of like using teaching kindergarten as birth control.

The other thing is that especially with handwritten letters, I’ve pored over them and when I go back and read them years later, it’s not only wanting to hear your words. It’s wanting to return to the energy space you gave me when I read them.

Love,
Leslie

p.s. Because I think I write letters the best, know that every word in this blog is a personal letter to you.