Because I’m a nice person, I find myself in the middle of other people’s running monologues a lot. I was raised in the South, and I have not found a way to extricate myself politely while the logorrhea sprays itself on my shirt and pants. In the South, we don’t do much impolitely.
So here, without further ado, are the funniest things I’ve ever been told, as well as some that were uttered by strangers in malls.
- Fight between women at Burger King over a man… of course, and it got very heated. It ended with, “No pickles, ya burger-flippin ho!”
- Computer support call:
“I just heard there was something going on with the network and my monitor is blinking on and off. Are those two things related?”
“Ma’am, I hope not.
- “I just have this problem where I roll in my wheelchair and I start orgasming and I just can’t stop.”
- Computer support call: “Sir, I think you’ve plugged the power strip into itself instead of into the wall.”
- Computer Support Call to classroom with students: “You’ve plugged the speakers into your microphone jack and that’s all that was wrong.” “Did you have to say that out loud?”
- “I didn’t know anybody with cool hair like that would want this job.”
- “No, no, honey… you have a picture of Angelina Jolie’s memorial titties.”
- After getting David Sedaris’ attention: “oh… we do not yell” (cue fade to black)
- I call communion wafers “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jesus.”
- After watching Star Trek: “We’re called ‘fooders’ now. We hate the name foodies.”
Stories That Are All True 