What It Looked Like When I Stood Up

I cannot shake the picture you sent me. I have written so extensively about the ways in which you manipulate and abuse me that I thought the message was clear. We are no longer connected. You asked me not to contact you, said that we were beyond reconciliation, and I was satisfied that the end was really the end. Then, after absolutely laying all my cards on the table with my readers (because most aren’t connected to either one of us), you contacted me. I don’t know if you’ve read everything that I’ve written, and maybe you are blissfully unaware that I now think that the whole family thing was a ruse. You were attracted to me, and maybe even attraction isn’t the right word, because it wasn’t the type of love I could return. It had a malicious intent. It changed me in ways that I wouldn’t have chosen to be changed. The love I could return was just as pure as yours was tainted. That’s why a simple, sweet e-mail isn’t possible anymore. It’s too cryptic, because it doesn’t come across as genuine. It comes across as “you only get to love me when I say you can, bitch.” The message I get is that I will always be your bitch. I will always be that person, to you, that is lesser than and you can use me to prop up your ego.

I do not want to be that person anymore.

I do love you, deeply, but in such a pure way that I’m not sure you’re capable of it. If you were, there would not be such denial on your part about who you really were to me, and how you feel free to drop in and out of my life at will. You wouldn’t continually toy with me.

I don’t know that you’re listening, and honestly, it doesn’t matter. I’m going to do what I want regardless of your input, because I cannot live my life in reaction to you anymore. If you want solid steps toward reconciliation, I won’t lie to you. They are going to be steep.

1. You must admit to yourself that you abused me. You must admit that there was an element of pedophilia to it, because I did not need to read about your sex life the day I turned 14.

2. You must admit those flaws and failures to Dana and to me.

3. You must come to Houston to meet with me. Portland is your “turf.”

4. You must admit that you care about what has happened to me, what is happening to me, what will happen to me in regards to the abuse that I endured from you, and <name redacted> by extension.

5. You must come up with a cash settlement that you think is fair for the years and years of long distance phone bills and plane trips to go and see someone who I thought loved me and who was actively just playing with me. I don’t care if you think one dollar is fair. The amount of money isn’t the issue. It is honoring my sacrifice. I spent a lot of money to be caught up in your game, and that wasn’t when I was on my own and independent. That was money scrimped and saved from babysitting jobs and after school working at SuperCuts. A $300 phone bill is a lot of babysitting… and that was just one month. I got so far behind that I never babysat enough to pay it all back. Again, it’s not about the amount of money. It’s about what might go in the reference line.

6. I know I don’t have to give you a chance at all, but grace and mercy mean a lot to me.