There’s nothing better than arriving to work in the morning and seeing that everything is your own. Except for the trash being empty, nothing has been touched, and it looks exactly as I left it. It is home-away-from-home in the best sense of the term. Though I enjoy occasionally working from home, there’s no percentage in it. I am not more comfortable at my own desk, except that I type faster on that keyboard. Other than that, there are too many noises… dogs barking, clothes washing, things crashing to the floor as my elbow hits something inopportune. I learned this during “Snotorious B.I.G,” “Snowpocalypse Now,” and “Thanks, Snowbama.” Even though at the time I had an officemate, it was companionable silence, just the right amount of social interaction to remain isolated, but not too much. I just called for references on a new hire, so maybe she’s going to move in with me. Here’s hoping.

I do my best work when it’s quiet, and knowing that about myself is half the battle (hail Cobra). The ADHD/PTSD in me cannot handle multiple people talking around me all at once, and when I keep my door open, I can hear people talking, but not loud enough to hear what they’re actually saying. Just background noise like Starbucks. Other times, I put my headphones on to get “The Mozart Effect.” It’s not always Mozart, but sometimes it is. I find that jazz begets the same fast-paced thought process. As I have said before, Jason Moran gets me through a lot of work days. Thanks, JaMo. You rock.

It is a miracle that I have landed on my feet securely in this move, considering how anxious and frightened I was when I got here. There was nothing I could do to reinforce the words with Argo that I didn’t need a thing from her, and this move was never about her. I needed to get away, start over, and be in charge of my own life. Dana was not dragging me down, but my thought processes when I was with her became completely different when I struck out on my own. I am sorry for every moment that I engendered negative emotions in both Dana and Argo, but I am not sorry that I moved to a place where no one knew me (Silver Spring, not DC). To me, it came across as pure ego that this move was all about Argo, because she’d stopped listening to me long ago and projecting her own thoughts onto me, as if her truth was more important than mine. Her feelings matter, but at the same time, they are perceptions, just as mine are of her. Thinking that you can read me just based on what I write is a mistake of gargantuan proportions, because even though I do express a wide range of emotions, that’s not the same thing as real reactions in real time. Then, and only then, would I accept her criticisms and attaboys as real, because my writing is based on that moment, and that moment alone. It’s one of the reasons I change my mind on my blog so frequently- each entry is just a snapshot. If it sounds like I’m speaking out of both sides of my face, it’s because time has passed and I may or may not still feel the same way. I waffle all the time because unlike a politician, I believe I have the right to change my mind… and honestly, that’s a lot of what’s wrong with politics, too. Waffling is seen as a negative thing, instead of the progress of evolution on an idea.

I made so many mistakes with both of them, but at the same time, I am not the monster Argo and Dana both made me out to be, and would know that if they’d bothered to get to know the real me instead of insisting that they were right and I was wrong… because even Dana, who’d known me forever and a day, didn’t take the time to get to know the me that was enmeshed in new context, didn’t want to hear about it, just ran away. So I did, too. Moving to DC was not exactly running away, though. For me, it was more like correcting a mistake I’d made long ago and dearly wanted to rectify. I felt like I was running toward a destiny, and not necessarily away from her- although it was a part. How could it not? I have never been good at enforcing emotional boundaries, and a physical one seemed like a good solution since Dana’s parents live here and it’s not like our tie was severed permanently unless we wanted it that way. I pictured our paths as perpendicular rather than parallel. So much more went into the thought process regarding this move than anyone will ever know, because they don’t want to hear it. The fake story is so much easier to swallow. I met this chick on the internet and decided to follow her in a grand gesture. In short, fuck that noise. If it were true, I wouldn’t be the success I am now. I’d just be a basketcase on the floor… and while the fights with Argo since I’ve moved have put me in that place at times, it is not an over-arching problem to deal with, just as it comes up. I am too busy to notice it otherwise. I came, I saw, I lost. End of story. Embarrassed and red-faced, but not unworkable.

But if that is the only thing I have to regret about this move, then I can handle it. I’ve made my own friends, have a job I love, and am embarking on the life I’ve always wanted to lead, minus the people who said I wouldn’t/couldn’t do it. I also have more of my own money than I’ve ever had before, because I prepared for it. I got a room in someone else’s house so I could live large on the cheap, and the salary that was shared between both Dana and me is all mine. I never minded sharing, but it’s nice to be able to decide how I spend every penny without worrying that there’s someone I need to check with before I spend it. It’s not a slam against Dana, just one of the plusses that comes with being single.

I’ve also lost friends along the way, because I wasn’t finished grieving and they were ready to start dating and I wasn’t. I won’t be ready for a long time, and I am okay with that. I want to be sure that I am well and healthy enough for it, rather than starting a relationship and realizing, “oh my fuck… what have I done?” First of all, I haven’t met that person that will accept me just as I am, where I am, that doesn’t want me to box up my grief and stop talking about it as if it doesn’t exist. If I can’t find that person, I need to be alone. Divorce is one of the most traumatic things that can happen to a person, and boxing all of those feelings allows me to feel even worse about myself because they eat me from the inside out. There will come a time when this part of my life is over, but it’s not there yet. Not only that, there’s no magic button I can push that will magically take those feelings away so I can move on unencumbered. There’s no way across the river that doesn’t include swimming in deep water, the kind that threatens to overtake you with the waves. It’s just that over time, the crests get smaller.

Things seem further away when I am working, and perhaps that’s why I spend so much time at the office. It feels like a good place to put my energy, because it is providing for my future without the weight of grief hanging around my neck. It also keeps me away from making mistakes in my personal life that I can’t take back, because I’m too busy to think about it. My friends are my lifeblood, and this weekend is a going-away party for Danni, who is going to be in Russia for the rest of the summer. I hope she’s back in time for my birthday (9/10), but if that’s not possible, my CEO is having a campout at his land in W. Virginia that weekend, and if I can stomach sleeping on the ground, I might go. 😛

I feel like a phoenix rising from the ash, knowing that I was the idiot who threw the first match… but perhaps it was a fire that needed to happen. My nothing box was too big, my action box too small. By the end, neither Dana nor I was healthy enough to be in a marriage, because we both needed to work on ourselves, first. I had to lose the dreams of chasing her around the nursing home, but those memories will always be precious to me, even if I end up chasing someone else. No new person in my life will put up with that shit, but at the same time, I don’t think it’s fair of said new person to make me erase the life that came before her… especially if we are at the stage where we are not exclusive and I am still working out my own shit. I would hope that even if I was exclusive with someone, I’d still be allowed to deal with my own shortcomings in my own way. I don’t want to be so together that we have all shared experiences, and not so apart that catching up takes a gargantuan effort. It’s different now that I’m almost 39. I don’t have the same relationship goals I had when I was 23 and 30, respectively. I can picture never getting married again. The main reason I married Kathleen was for health insurance, because I didn’t need a piece of paper to tell me that I loved her intensely.

It was the same with Dana. I didn’t need a piece of paper to tell me that she was the best friend I could love the rest of my life. I needed a piece of paper to show next-of-kin for things like hospitals in bum-fuck Egypt.

So, like the answer to everything else, it depends.

Right now, I just need to go back to work.

Today was a rainbow of HIPAA information, starting with everything I used working for the doctor, and ending with data security and integrity. I think it’s kind of funny that in the beginning, I was on one side of the spectrum, and now I’m on the other. I’m about halfway through my coursework, which seems ridiculously out of date, so I’ve been watching YouTube videos as well. Most of these laws were enacted in the early 2000s, with many, many addendums since. For instance, a security risk can be a floppy disk… which, I’m sure it is, but if you’re still using one, you’ve got bigger fish to fry than I do.

Also, I made sure to move all my black ops out of the Black Ops folder (I’m sorry, it’s going to be a while before I stop laughing about that one).

I forgave the film makers for it, though, because that would only be funny to a percentage of the population… the percentage that tells you A) don’t name a folder “Black Ops” and II) Don’t put it on your desktop. We were in a meeting the other day talking about customer-facing businesses, and I said I thought there was a lot of money to be made out of teaching older people how to use computers. They were like, “where would you even start?” I said, “how ’bout how a directory tree works so your mom doesn’t have 40,000 files on her desktop?” I got the laugh. I knew the room.

With my own mother, as a teacher she’s learned more about PowerPoint than I could teach at gunpoint. She called to ask me a PowerPoint question one day and I was completely flummoxed and told her to call Lindsay. I think I have used PowerPoint a grand total of three times since I’ve been using Windows.

On the flip side, I locked down her router and transferred all her files from one computer to the other, so I’m not completely useless. I know my limits, though, and slide transitions are one of them.

And, increasingly, I am not a Windows person anymore. I’m having to learn DOS all over again, because I haven’t used it since, like, fifth grade. If I’m on the command line, it’s all linux, all the time. Therefore, when I’m sitting at a Windows DOS prompt, it goes something like this:

C:\ ls ls dir

Kumar: You’re worthless.
Roldy: I’m not worthwhile.

If the prompt isn’t leslie@harrietjones:~$, I don’t know what to do except Google it. The only problem I’m having with linux right now is the video drivers for the VM. For some reason, all of the sudden Chrome doesn’t work anymore, and neither do Chromium or Opera. But I use Firefox for almost everything, so it’s ok. I have yet to find a video that won’t run on Flash 11.2, so the need to have Chrome is moot.

Yes, I tried Freshplayer. No, it didn’t work… probably because of the same video driver issue that’s got everyone else in knots, too. The VirtualBox message boards are full of people screaming because there’s no fix except to downgrade your software. Let’s file that under #nothappening

Looking forward to a very busy day tomorrow, and a weekend spent with friends. I still haven’t decided when I’m going to sit for my exam, because I have to know exact statutes and dates. If it’s open-note, I’m golden, because I’ve been writing it down over and over again trying to memorize it. There are two dates for everything, passage and implementation, possibly three because the rules are different for small health plans with less than 5 mil in revenue. All I can do is study as hard as I can, and I’ve passed every quiz so far.

Maybe a couple of days away from it will help, because I can think about it without cramming.

I also need a haircut. And my nails did. It may be time for hot pink.

Or not.

So, yesterday I told you that my supervisor wants me to be a Certified Health Professional butt-quick, so I’m working through the modules quickly in preparation for the exam. Some of it is interesting, a lot of it is not. Coming from a medical family, I have to take each one, but there are lots of things in the modules I’ve heard (and said) over the years. I was my stepmom’s assistant for two years at one point, and worked in the medical research branch at another. So right off the bat, you know the term IRB sends shivers down my back.

Everything is so precise, as it should be. If you break a HIPAA law unintentionally, the fine is still $100/incident. And in fact, fines in a civil suit can go up to 1.5 million… although that’s not per occurrence. That’s $10,000/incident not to exceed 1.5 million in a calendar year. Sufficed to say, if you are a covered entity, make sure your ass is covered as well.

I think that’s the end game of this course, that I’ll end up teaching my team what they need to know to be capable of handling protected health information. I can just see it now. “Pay attention or we’re fucked.” I’m paraphrasing.

My arm feels like it’s going to drop off from writing so much, but like I said yesterday, there’s just not the same retention of knowledge if I’m typing notes to myself. I just kept switching implements, hoping that something would get comfortable and stay there. Started with a pencil, then a ball-point pen, then a gel pen, which was the most comfortable but it was red. So I have, like, three pages of notes in red ink, and I’m not even sure I can read my handwriting under normal circumstances.

It’s already weird not having my dad here, no text to wake up to asking if I wanted breakfast at the hotel or Starbucks. No one to have dinner with, although truth be told, that is a good thing, because I eat ten times more when I’m out socially than I do when I’m alone. I think I ate half my weight in steak last night at Old Ebbitt Grill… and then we had cheesecake.

After dinner, we walked to The White House as they were shutting it down. They don’t let people just walk around it all night. I was lost imagining who might be inside and what they might be doing. Was it a quiet night, or was there a State Dinner? I am sure that the president is sleeping well, because as Napoleon once said, “never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.” Or if he isn’t sleeping all that well, it’s not because of the election. I think Hillary has it in the bag unless Donald Trump drops out and the Republicans decide to pick someone sane and reasonable, but there aren’t too many of those Republicans left.

I would have a much harder time choosing between voting Republican and Democrat if the Republicans truly espoused the values with which they began… small government, personal freedom, etc. Now they’ve gotten into the practice of legislating morality as if you can police people’s bedrooms and public bathrooms just the same. Like, seriously. Who are you going to put in charge of checking? Wouldn’t that require MORE GOVERNMENT EMPLOYEES? #jackass

But the government can’t be too small. Our society is too mobile for that. We get moved for all sorts of reasons, and their has to be a modicum of things that stay the same no matter where you live.

If we can manage Starbucks and McDonald’s in every state, we should probably be able to handle gay marriage and abortion as well…. it’s possible to be pro-life and pro-choice at the same time without the two interfering, because a real Republican would say, “pro-life is my choice, but I wouldn’t presume to legislate yours.” Pro-choice does not mean pro-death. People have been beating that dead horse for years, but all pro-choice means is “I am not an expert on your life.” As it should be.

I know that we already have gay marriage and legal abortion in every state, but Trump/Pence have threatened to take away both of these things, so one has to prepare for the approaching dystopia in case the stupid fucknut vote wins out over sanity. I am so proud of the middle-of-the-road Republicans starting to come out and say, “frankly, we didn’t sign up for this.”

I remember not being too fond of Barack Obama at first, either… called him “all hat, no cattle” for a very long time. And he turned out to be the best thing since sliced bread. So to all you Bernie-or-Bust wingnuts, you’ve forgotten the cardinal fucking rule. Support your party, because it doesn’t center around one person. Donald Trump thinks it does, but it doesn’t. Apparently, his answer to everything is either “me” or “fast.” He’s his own adviser, and he’s going to get everything done fast… without learning anything about the situation beforehand… and with his conservative Christian base totally ignoring things they’d never let anyone else get away with… like a wife that’s posed for Playboy. #familyvalues

I am not slamming Melania for posing. I couldn’t care less. It’s just that the party of family values is strangely silent on this issue. I would call Donald Trump a lot of things, but upstanding citizen who puts family first is not one of them.

And that’s all I got right now. I’m so tired I’m about to fall asleep on the keys. Maybe more tomorrow if I have time to write at SBUX. When I got there this morning, I realized I’d forgotten my drugs and had to go back and get them so I didn’t have to call in crazy to work.

But they’d definitely believe it. 😛

My day got slammed in a hurry. My supervisor came into my office and said, “I need you to be HIPAA certified in a hurry” and gave me his business credit card, because it was $1200 and he didn’t want to make me wait to get reimbursed. I finished the first module today, which basically talked about how HIPAA came into being and why it’s important… and basically boils down to “don’t be an idiot with other people’s information.” You know, like in Jason Bourne, where all the black ops files are located in a subdirectory named “Black Ops.” [Editor’s Note: I KNOW, RIGHT?] So for the next few days, I am in class and writing like a mad man, because typing doesn’t allow me the same retention of knowledge that handwriting does… even though it hurts my wrist way worse than typing at this point. I don’t know which client requires it at this point, but it doesn’t matter. This is a good cert to have no matter what I do with it.

I am lucky that I come from a medical family, because I already know the basics. This is just going to give me a much broader understanding of the working parts, and a deeper understanding of the details. For instance, HIPAA required that Congress pass legislation on privacy. Guess what? They didn’t. So Health & Human Services had to bat cleanup and wrote the policies themselves. Yet another illustration of why the opposite of progress is Congress.

The main part I’m interested in is EDI, or Electronic Data Interchange. This is a huge, huge deal as more and more doctor’s offices, medical clearinghouses, insurance companies, etc. switch to electronic records as opposed to paper charts, and provides a national standard for them. That way, doctors can more easily share information, because especially with databases, it helps for all the columns to be the same so that the records end up in the same format across offices and billing, especially with Medicare and Medicaid.

So far, the questions in the quiz seem easy. I’m wondering if I will feel that way about the official exam. I’m going to Google around and see if there are practice exams I could look at/take before I sit for the real one. Luckily, the lessons are not timed, and I can take the quizzes as many times as I want to reinforce learning. Today I got 7/8 right, which is passing, but not great. When there’s only 8 questions, that’s a 75. I don’t do well with “not perfect.”

The difference between the quizzes and the test is that if I get under 75%, it’s another $3-400 to retake. So I am studying very, very hard and taking it seriously.

On the plus side, I am too busy to think about anything else.