I have realized a problem with my introversion that needs addressing right away. I cannot tell you the number of times my friends have read something I’ve written and instead of asking me about it, talk amongst themselves and try to decipher what they’re reading on their own. People freak out about my life choices as if I’m just crazy, and not capable of thinking for myself. Then, we meet up in person, and they say “now that I’ve talked to you in person, I feel so much better. You seem more solid than you’ve ever been.” The time they’re wasting talking to themselves is hard on me, because I know that any confusion could be cleared up nearly immediately.
You cannot read me and think you know me. That’s because my mind is a computer working on several cores at once, and I can only write one line at a time. Tapes of my issues run in my head all day long, so I have an iron grip on them in terms of understanding where I am and where I’m going. I don’t think about anything else, because it informs future decisions over which I have control; my side of the equation needs to get shit done because it’s not on anyone else to create the life I want.
I feel like people talking about me is the exact same thing I do, just verbal processing instead of written. Plus, I have heard that I am interesting, so that probably plays into it, too. Regardless of what you think, you will never know me from this web site, and few of you will ever meet the real me, and not because I wouldn’t want to show it. It’s my own limitations on that one, both the fact that I feel fear and some of the things I deal with did not originate with me, thus the story isn’t all mine to tell. It’s not about being able to blame someone else. No, it’s much deeper than that. I need to understand myself to understand you, and vice versa.
The trick in relationships is to talk about behavior in such a way that the other person can hear “this has been happening more than once, and it’s having bad effects, so we need to change it.” So many people don’t like having things “thrown back in their faces,” and I agree with that. I need to be careful with my words to get my point across, because I do not mean in any way that anyone is a bad person. I mean there’s a difference between a pattern and a one-off. I’m going to notice if we have the same fight six times and wonder why you didn’t.
That’s why I’m so crazy about Daniel, even still. Our minds both work like that, the difference is that my infinite rumination centers around feelings and his centers on thoughts. We are the yin and yang of the Idealist world. Neither of us would ever get away with anything, which is why we’re not together now. We’re both too hot to handle, but I didn’t make a mistake in still loving him a hundred and crazy percent….. both in that he’s been my friend since we were seven and that he called off our engagement and I’m still sort of dazed.
It was the first time in my life where I could look at myself and say “it’s going to be okay.” I couldn’t think of anything better than me being bipolar and having an alcoholic spouse because those two things present so similarly that it’s a chicken and egg situation a lot of the time. Many, many alcoholics get bipolar when they stop drinking due to the loss of all that dopamine…….. the flip side being that bipolar people drink to self medicate, so who knows what came first?
Having that person we could each confide in was everything, because I am so emotionally driven… to the point where I wondered if Daniel would hear that my grandfather had died and just show up. He didn’t, but that’s not the point. The point is that it’s interesting I’ve never pined for a man like this as an adult. I could see marrying Ryan when I was a kid, but our relationship was over before it began in that respect. I don’t think we should have been the middle school sweethearts that stayed together through everything, but I do think that if we had been married as adults we would have had a blast. God, the Subaru jokes *alone.* (He would absolutely tease me about being queer and not owning one, but the ‘Baru jokes go back to 1992).
I feel all these new and emerging emotions because sex is sex and identity is identity and never the twain shall meet. I never thought I had much o a straight side, and I still don’t. But there’s a difference between finding the person that you want and finding the person that you need.
In that case, gender just ceased to matter.
But going through all of that made other people think I was off my rocker, then they’d talk to me in person and see that I was actually pretty level-headed about all of it. I knew what the limitations of people so alike and different would be, and how rehab could make everything go to hell in a handbasket, and it was still worth it.
However, I’m not exactly waiting, either. I’m still angry about his Fox News approach to critical race theory which feeds into queer theory which feeds into trans theory. That’s a lot of bullshit to wrestle to the ground, and I know that because I’ve done it. You have to let go of things you’ve known to be true your whole life, and even if you know it, it’s hard to do it…. to reach out for more knowledge because it’s “shameful” to admit you don’t know something. It’s hard to put that knowledge into practice. I still mess up people’s pronouns all the time, but have learned to just accept it and move on because I get misgendered all the time. I don’t have the energy to hear your extended apology that goes through your history with trans people.
So, I am “running the numbers” on whether it’s worth it to try and fail, because I don’t know the percentage on success in terms of Daniel, Cora, and me trying to gel as a family while Daniel is constantly stepping on trauma buttons installed by someone else. He’s not responsible, but when you know better, you do better. Or that’s how it’s supposed to work. He thinks of it as “the girls are ganging up on me.” I’m sure he’s still angry that I am part of the woke mob trying to reprogram him, a minority he resents. I’m not sure that’s teachable in a timeline that Cora and I could be comfortable.
I have said that I will not seriously start looking again for a partner until January, because I’m a firm believer that all the brain fog from the alcohol has to clear before Daniel is capable of major decisions. I’m not going to contact him, I’m just going to wait it out. If I don’t hear from him, I have my answer. I have no need to take on a project like educating someone who knows nothing about being queer or trans if they’re going to give me ad hominem attacks every step of the way.
I don’t ever want to be in a relationship with a white person ever again that can’t say they’re a racist. Full stop. All white people are racist. It’s baked into the fabric of our country and to ignore it is the height of privilege. I’ve never had privilege except with skin color, because being queer, female, disabled, genderqueer and bipolar has not won me any brownie points. So, perhaps I see it more clearly because that’s the only time it ever happens. You can look no further than a traffic stop or jumping the turnstile at the Metro (never done it, just saying).
But the point is that I think so deeply about anything and everything that rarely is a blog entry enough to contain what’s going on with me. Something that doesn’t add up on paper makes sense in a relaxed environment.
Something I said to my sister has stuck with me because it’s so incredibly true. I said that my depression is so profound that sometimes when people see a large amount of change from me all at once, I’ve been mulling things over for months and praying for hypomania just so I have the energy to execute an operation. People underestimate me and my decision making capabilities because they’re far away. It’s one thing to hear something over the telephone and another to be apprised of the situation at every waking moment. You haven’t seen my process to appreciate what I’m thinking and the process by which I do it. It’s foreign to most people because they’re not my personality type or my combination of meds. 😛
The title comes from something a friend said…. I was complaining about trying to find the right medication because I think I’m getting tachyphylaxis (the idea that a medication gets less effective over time, and I’ve been on Lamictal since college). She said, “however you are now, you’re good.” I’m not, but I liked the vote of confidence. And again, what I am learning is that everyone says that when they sit down with me in person.
It gets a lot easier for me when other people reach out, because I’m so anxious about feeling wanted. I’ve had enough of not knowing. However, I can control that feeling of being unwanted to a degree, because it’s a huge symptom of depression. There are so few things I can point to and say “that’s a symptom.” Most of the time, I just feel bad in a nebulous, under the weather kind of way…. but I’m not Eeyore, either. I’m very funny in person, but choose to keep to myself so that I can be a jackass on my own time.
In dreaming about my future, I want to be able to say to my future partner (whether it’s The War Daniel or anyone else), it’s that “however I am now, I’m good.”
Stories That Are All True 