What’s your go-to comfort food?
I don’t have a go-to comfort food, I have a comfort Venn diagram in which any combination of groceries could be my go-to, but starch is always the base. It’s going to be some kind of rice, mashed potatoes, or corn. Possibly all three if we are eating fried chicken.
I also enjoy fried and baked potatoes, so sometimes the base is French fries whether I’m at home or out. As I was telling Zac, I like the fries at Zaytinya, because I will slowly build the most monster poutine you’ve ever seen in your life if you sit next to me long enough. See Lindsay for details. I am a human trash compactor.
One of the reasons I eat so much is that I have trouble maintaining my weight. It follows my anxiety to an enormous degree. When I am troubled, I do not eat. You can take that check to the bank and cash it. When I feel out of control, it presents by controlling what I can…… presenting as “food is unsafe, but drinks are okay.” I buy cases of Instant Breakfast when it happens. I also don’t eat much. Yes, it may be 2,000 calories but I haven’t been hungry enough to eat more than once a day for years.
Not being hungry is hard to diagnose, because when I get down to “food is a straight up problem,” sometimes it’s me and sometimes it’s a drug interaction. ADHD medication is not known for allowing you to have nice things. Physically well and mentally stable are constantly buying new military equipment to blow the other away. My physical health says “eat all the things,” and mentally that feels like an overwhelming task. It is hard to grocery shop when you have medically induced appetite suppression. I’ve cried when I realized I needed to buy enough food for a week, but everything looked unappealing. I have teared up at restaurants because there was nothing on the menu that sounded good. Being ADHD is a kitchen superhero skill, but only in managing other people’s food.
Therefore, I rarely step outside my comfort zone when I’m doing other things. I can’t focus on food when I have two sentences that are falling flat. Not focusing on food is going to be a sandwich and potato chips, or baking French fries in the oven if I have them.
Dating Zac has brought my appetite back a little bit, because I am more likely to eat if someone is eating with me. That’s because they’ll get hungry when I don’t and thus remind me to cook something, or cook it for me and bring it to the room where I’m tearing my hair out.
So much of my blood is spilled on these pages, more in the lines you don’t read.
Most of the time, my own blog entries make me go to the place of not finding a carb I wouldn’t inhale. It takes a lot out of me to read this shit, because you didn’t live it, are not living it. Depending on how you think my situation is going, you have no concept of that fact. Some entries break me, but they let light in.
I am taking the places inside me that are empty and filling them with gold. I would even settle for wax, because no human is ever sin cera. In sculpting, if you were able to see the angel in the rock and get it out in one shot, it was called “sin cera,” without wax, because there’s no filler to cover a mistake.
On days when I can get the entry out of me sin cera, I feel well. If I take myself to the mat, the road through hell is paved by Ore-Ida.
Stories That Are All True 