I am still thinking about that woman from earlier, the “ally.” You only got what she said, not the thread that followed. The first thing I said that pissed her off was that I doubted anyone but queer OGs her age would recognize the pink triangle…. but “your apprehension about meeting a partner doesn’t mean anything to me. I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. I’m fighting for my right to be safe here.” I thought it was making a fair point. It doesn’t mean anything because when you don’t want to be queer, you can take it off.
She responded by saying how she would protect me “even if I didn’t do that for her.” Serious question. From whom or what am I protecting Karen? Who is out to get her? Most likely, men. But I am harassed that way every single time I leave my house in addition to comments about my being queer, how it would be nice to watch me be queer, etc. I go through just as much as Karen, but the difference is that no one is going to think asking a lesbian if he can watch her fuck her girlfriend is offensive. Even the wife of the man who asks is just going to punch his shoulder. She might get upset if he asks to join in, but in my experience women are shit at defending me……… sometimes even acting jealous as if I set her man’s sights on me just to get him away from her. That’s because in her mind WE WERE ROOMMATES.
So, the point about “I don’t have to protect you” whizzed by her ear.
I wish I could get it out of my head, because of two things. The first is that I am direct and I don’t give a fuck if you’re not in my inner circle. I didn’t know this woman at all. Therefore, she didn’t know my history, either. So, I’m recovering from all the things that straight people have said to me and I warned her that would cause a rift between her and her daughter, because actions speak louder than words. I would really like to know whether she’s the proud parent she says she is. When actions and words don’t line up, kids notice first.
Because she was all wrapped up in herself and feeling so butt hurt, she stopped taking in everything I was saying. Yes, I was direct, but I wasn’t an asshole. I’m kind, but I’m not nice. I have been so nice for so long that I didn’t even know who I was anymore. When women take back their power, it always looks like rage. That’s probably because it is to some degree, but when you’ve never said “don’t treat me like that,” people will take up as much space as you let them.
I’m sorry she has mental health issues. I really am. But somehow I manage to be sick AF with mental health issues most of the time and wear a rainbow flag.
I am not sure Karen has taken it in how much easier she has it than me. The barrier to entry when you do not look like a traditional female is enormous. The barrier to entry when you don’t act like one is higher. You can be a powerful woman, sure. But even if you’re one of the best in the *world,* someone’s still going to ask you if you’ve put the coffee on because apparently male hands are broken when they enter the office.
I don’t have a problem being the secretary who makes the coffee. I’m talking about the jackass that met Jo Sharp, didn’t know who she was, and proceeded to ream her out because she didn’t know the first thing about the works of Jo Sharp. Twitter spits truth sometimes. My problem is not being the secretary that makes the coffee, it’s being the CEO of the company and if Zac was standing next to me I’d be invisible and people would tell him all evening what a good job he was doing.
I spent my 20s as a computer geek. I fixed professors’ computers, taught them basic stuff, really, and I never had a white male professor ask me for help. Not once. If something was wrong, it was the school’s fault. I walk into a shit show, and then he’s trying to micromanage me, practically putting his hand over mine on the mouse, mansplaining everything that’s wrong, etc. and yet he still can’t figure out shit from Shinola. The nicest professors admitted when they were idiots. The ones that realized they were idiots when I pushed one button never were. They’d spend the next few minutes telling me how their idea would have worked (no. It wouldn’t.).
She acted like a child when she didn’t get the response she wanted, and I wasn’t the only one trying to make these points. We weren’t mean, we gave her a reality check on her pride so it didn’t bounce, then she got angry at me. That’s fine. But it doesn’t make her allyship better or more inclusive because when I said, “I’m speaking,” I had that right. If you are an ally, my words first. Always. I do not need you to lead from the front. When queer people are speaking, sit the fuck down. Listening is your only job, and you haven’t proved yourselves spectacular so far at 101.
I am not saying that I am the be all and end all. I am saying that I am queer and you are not. You can be empathetic, but you can’t be sympathetic. You have never been through anything similar unless you’re a racial minority, and even then not really. There’s just more context toward people understanding that white, straight, cis people are directly affecting our lives with a system they built and could give fuck all that anyone complains. We’re not going to destroy the system. We’re not even going to change it til long after I die.
It’s one of the reasons I’m so direct. I don’t have time. I’m here, I’m queer, and…
I’m speaking.
Stories That Are All True 