What’s something you would attempt if you were guaranteed not to fail.
Breaking up with Dana and my best friend at the same time was the most exquisite pain God’s ever dished up, and I have to attribute it to mental illness. It was all my fault, or at least, that’s the way I perceived it at the time. I treated meeting Supergrover like I treated meeting everyone else….. when in reality I fell in love with Prince T’Challah.
I am laughing out loud as I see me running around in circles like Meredith Grey, because our situation was very much the pilot of Grey’s Anatomy. The look on Meredith’s face when she realizes just who she’s been lusting after is basically the entire plot to my life that year, and I underestimated the effect of having accidentally walked into power just like it. I have had every single one of those “oh,shit” moments and some of them so priceless I wish I’d gotten them on video.
Accidentally walking into that kind of power changes you, and I don’t have to say much because there are like six TV seasons of how that played out. Both high and low points, clearly.
If I couldn’t fail, I would tell her I loved her every single day of my life, that she changed me in ways no one else ever could, and I’m sorry that I get angry when my needs aren’t being met- and not in a snarky way. Just saying that I know having needs is one thing. Expressing anger is another. I’d tell her I know she’s terrified of conflict and it would be better if we could see each other’s eyes when we talked, and if that still wasn’t possible, then at least take more time to reply to each other so anger isn’t running high.
If I couldn’t fail, I’d tell our friends and family we couldn’t fail again and to get used to it. We need other romantic partners, but when we say that, it doesn’t mean “I don’t need you.” I need her to be less avoidant in her attachment and me to be less anxious in mine. Yet when we’re feeding each other the right way, it’s like being hooked up to a battery pack so your computer never has to stop processing.
When I was on the West Coast, that was easy because I needed the brain at different times than she did. 😉
With her, I can picture everything from living together (me as the old spinster in the attic, not the partner…. don’t make it weird) to never making up at all. The reason I think all of this is so sad is that I think we could fix everything with one of those hugs that lasts, what, 7 seconds or some shit? Where it lasts long enough to break down your walls and you relax? The reason I have enough room for all of that in my mind is that I’ve been thinking over ways to make the relationship work long before I knew whether it would or wouldn’t.
Nothing has ever been dependent on living together or in the same city. Living as the spinster in her attic was a Boo Radley reference, because I know that’s the literary character that represents me the most…… and one of her favorite stories in the world is “To Kill a Mockingbird.” I’m a writer. It wouldn’t matter to me if she was home or not. It would matter to me that I was around her stuff, my pocket litter blending with hers. I cannot wish for more of her, and neither can anyone else. Even if I was Michael, I couldn’t ask for more than getting to live with her stuff…… and it’s why I treat him like he walks on water. We couldn’t be more different, and we couldn’t be any more crazy about her. We each see very different sides of her and yet have the most in common when it comes to things that come up in our conversations. Michael has just been wearing his big boy pants longer than me.
She may be married, but she is an old spinster in an attic personality, too. Not only is being “on” a shit ton of work, she thinks she has too much sludge in her soul to be loved, and I don’t know who told her that but I want to kill them. And I want them to die badly, publicly….. the way all women who love women feel about the patriarchy. We’re the ones that are trying to repair that kind of damage from male egos.
She has not made the connection that Scout and Boo are the same person at different points in their lives……. and she is most certainly a Scout.
If I couldn’t fail, I would tell her I love her every day of my life………… like I have for the last 10 years. Because here’s the thing. We are both Scout and Boo. Our personalities both vary to that degree. Does it really matter if our love languages always match up perfectly? Fuck no. I can take our memories and have it be enough. But I do know she loves me back. Just because it’s different than the way she loves her partner doesn’t make it less real or invalid. The Dragonborn needs a partner and a housecarl. I had to level up so that I wasn’t Lydia, charging us into battle ahead of her call.
If I couldn’t fail and the message would be received as it was intended, it would be to tell Michael I understand what it’s like being married to a king. Support people need support people.
If I couldn’t fail, I wouldn’t.
Stories That Are All True 