One of the things that blogging has given me is the ability to think in longhand so that I know I can come here to process when I don’t have anywhere else.
So. Moving. Gotta talk about it.
This morning Hayat told me I have 60 days to find a place, that they don’t have a place to go yet, either, and that I could keep all the furniture in my room because she bought it specifically for me. I love that so much, because when we had to get new furniture, I asked for a futon. Hayat came back with this catalog and I’ve never seen more expensive futons in my life.
They’re just better for my back, and absolutely amazing as long as you never fold them. It will never be the same again. It is either a bed frame or a couch, but not both.
It’s soothing to know that this house will come with me, because I’ve been here since 2015. It’s a great thing to be able to tell new landlords, that I’m only moving because my current landlords are selling, not that I’m getting kicked out because I have some sort of issue.
I laid out most of my “getting to know you” stuff in text with another woman this morning, someone I’m hoping will let me come see the room soon. I told her everything. Like, “I’m AuDHD, I need a lot of alone time, etc.” I don’t believe in being someone I’m not because that’ll last two months. I also made sure to say I had a boyfriend to weed out people who won’t let you have any overnight guests at all. It’s infantilizing to an enormous degree….. just one of the reasons I was truly single for so long.
It was also a matter of finding someone I really vibed with, who didn’t want to be on a “relationship escalator.” I’m as settled as I want to be. Sometimes I miss Zac, but most of the time I’m absorbed in my own work and don’t notice how long it’s been since we’ve seen each other. This is not “out of sight, out of mind,” but picking up right where we left off and making all of it quality. We’re on a time difference right now, so it’s nice waking up to texts from him, or goodnight texts in the middle of the afternoon.
He gets back in plenty of time to help me move, and I’m glad he was the first to volunteer. I’m going to try and delay moving until Zac has had a few days to recover, but I’d like to find a place for April if it’s possible so I don’t have to live here through the showing of the house. It would set me off, constantly, and I don’t need that particular anxiety if I can help it. Plus, the house where I want to interview currently is three minutes from here.
Even if Zac and I take all the furniture, it’s three trips.
I only really want to take my bed.
I also only want to clean everything out once, not “run around and clean before the new people get here.”
That is not my personality. I did it when I was a kid because that’s how my mother did everything, but now I just ADHD out in my room and am fanatical about the kitchen and the bathroom. No one has ever had a problem with me in common spaces, but they have had problems with me being in my room with the door closed all the time, as if this is some sort of family arrangement and I’m a problem when I’m antisocial. They don’t want me to hang out with them. It makes them uncomfortable because they’ve never met a writer. So, it’s a catch-22. Do you want to be friends with a writer? Likely not. Do you want to gossip about a writer? Always.
I get along with people because I’m social when I feel like it, but I don’t go out of my way to interact because renting is not a social contract where I become invested in being a part of your family overnight. Being a part of Hayat and Mike’s came over almost a decade. I didn’t live alone, but I did. I would like to continue that tradition. I assume there’s Wi-Fi wherever I’m going to live, which allows me to stay in constant conversation with people while also not spending time I don’t want to spend in public.
I’ve been to the grocery store twice since the pandemic started because it was so much easier than shopping, socially speaking. I go selectively mute a lot….. but I don’t stop talking. I stop engaging verbally because I need space to think about what I want to say, and time to rewrite it. I need to give myself a delete key before I send. You can’t do that in person.
I’m not perfect. I mess that dynamic up a lot, too. But at the same time, I have a better shot at reaching someone through writing, because I actually have the confidence to say what I need to say without stuttering. I could not have told this woman that wants to interview me about a house that I was autistic and ADHD in person, that it makes me come with a ton of energy that needs a ton of alone time. I would have tried to make her happy so that she accepted me, rather than acknowledging that I had the right to take up space. I don’t want to live with someone who wouldn’t accept me for all my quirks up front. We don’t have to be best friends, but if you don’t like people like me, you won’t like me, either.
I need to go downstairs. The groceries are here and I desperately need a sandwich and some ice cream.
As you do.
Stories That Are All True 