Daniel said, “because you said you were still in love with me, I want to make it my life goal that you don’t regret being that raw.” I told him I was only able to be that way with him because he’d been that raw with me. That he’d told me he’d been in love with me for 36 years, and I didn’t think one would undo it. I was absolutely right.
And then I got to go back to Cora and say that “I told your dad that if he wasn’t strong enough to admit that he’d been an idiot, then it was on me.” I love that I got to make my girl laugh. I get why stepfamilies have family rings. I love that kid like I birthed her, and I didn’t meet her until she was 24.
It’s been awesome getting to talk to her dad, because I am not her primary parent. But I do fulfill a very specific role in her life, and that’s that her parents will never understand her like a bisexual woman with a nonbinary brain. Again, it’s not that they lack empathy, they are just standing outside the queer community when my sister and I have been in it since we were kids. I think that Cora and Lindsay will like each other a lot, because even though Lindsay is a cishet woman, she works in trans medicine. The best part is that I have relatives that live in the same area as Daniel and Cora, so it would be fun to go and visit Daniel, but also be able to check on the progress at my grandfather’s house, visit with my aunts, uncles, and cousins. It is really hard for us all to get together because we don’t have our grandparents to bind us together anymore, nor my mother or her brother, Bill.
But we manage. I learned at my grandfather’s funeral that my late uncle’s wife is getting married again, and I’m so happy for her. I was also very glad to see my mother’s sister, because she said she knew my mom would want her to be there, if not for her, for us. She was right. It was like hearing my mother’s voice the whole time. My aunt speaks in a little higher register than my mother, but the inflections are exactly the same.
I’d get to see people that want to be close to me and aren’t, just by the nature of where we live. It would be so nice to be able to move back to Northeast Texas without incident- lower cost of living and all that. But at the same time, it might be safe for me to be bisexual, especially in big cities like Dallas, Austin, Houston, etc. But nowhere is it safe to be trans. That changes my equation quite a bit.
Plus, I also consider Bryn one of my partners as well. She’s a yellow string, but if you walk with me in such a close way for that many years, you’re someone I consider a partner, because that helps me keep it in perspective that Daniel does not deserve every single bit of me outside of my professional endeavors. It’s a mistake that too many couples make- cocooning to the rest of the world and only speaking to each other, then when the relationship ends, your entire world walks out the door. I can’t do that again.
Bryn and I want it to be so that when everyone else walks out on us, we have each other. That’s what best friends do. To make her less important than someone I want to marry is ridiculous, because I’ve been through so much more with her than with him. It is not that we are unhappy in our other relationships, it’s that you always need someone to have your back. You’ve got your romantic partners, and you’ve got the ones that heal your broken hearts.
The thing that keeps relationships in perspective for me is that even if Bryn goes away, I still have writing. I still have a friend that hasn’t left me, because in a lot of ways, this is still a conversation. I just don’t know the audience. It’s still epistolary, yet I’m going to bet most of us will never shake hands.
I have finally found something that gives me complete and total internal validation, so I am not looking for it in anyone else………… anymore. I am not saying that I like any relationship ending. I like the feeling that even when someone else isn’t with me, I am, and I’m finding out that I’m pretty good company.
I’m guessing I am at least interesting enough that you read to the end.
That’s enough. 😉
Stories That Are All True 