What public figure do you disagree with the most?
I disagree with Donald Trump the most, but he’s not interesting. He’s a Flat Stanley, except Flat Stanley is a book series for children and Trump is a child. Calling Trump a Flat Stanley is just bullying Flat Stanley. Please respect his privacy during this difficult time.
Trump is the one person I can think of in my writing life that I cannot turn into a 3D character. There is no way to show his humanity, compassion, intelligence, etc. He has not given us any evidence to support the fact that he has any of those things.
Supergrover said that I portrayed her as a “Flat Stanley.” That is objectively not true, but that’s not the point. The point is that I had to look him up and it became an apt description for him, not her. When I think of her, my brain lights up like an animation of The Flash running up the side of a building. She’s amazing. She’s also human. People have problems, full stop. I only disagree with her because I have written many times about how many different things I love about her. Talking about both our problems and our successes is what makes her a 3D character. I haven’t talked about all the things I love about her in a long time because she hasn’t given me much to love lately.
And she never will again, I don’t think, because the kind of bravery that she showed in her last letter is what I require all the time. That’s not her. I’m not the person that will walk on eggshells trying to do things right because I’m guessing how she feels. Doesn’t praise me for anything I do right, comes down HARD on me when I do wrong. She can go and make other people jump high. I’m done. Either she breaks the power imbalance between us or she can find someone else to put through her mental marathon.
It’s hard to feel lonely when you’re right next to someone, and yet I felt it constantly- and not because we weren’t constantly in touch. She thought I was jumping up and down for attention by making her feel bad all the time. I thought she was being very selfish in withholding information because it made it so easy to yell at me for things that happened because I guessed wrong instead of actually knowing what she wanted and needed from me. Most of the time, I believe that was straight up nothing, but that wasn’t always the case.
It’s really simple to me.
She has loved me more than I’ve ever realized because she won’t talk about it. She just doesn’t stop showing up. She’s not the kind of person that constantly says “I love you” all the time. From her, “I love you” means “what are you going to do for a paying job now? I’m concerned.” “I love you” looks like no one would ever know that someone who was mean to me is now under her pool. “I love you” looks like “I got you some books for your Kindle.” “I love you” looks like “really great post today.” “I love you” looks like accepting me for who I am. We just have terrible communication despite all that acceptance. Hurt compounds on both sides. Neither of us are bad people, we just set up bad patterns and haven’t done the work. I’m not offended. She probably wouldn’t do the work with anyone, because then she’d have to dig deep into herself to find the answers and it is so scary……. I know. I know it’s so scary. But you don’t find out that you’re walking backwards though the dark to find daylight, choosing to stay trapped where you are.
It wasn’t my job to fix everything. It was my job to participate in fixing everything. I have no buy-in, so that chapter of my life is over. I know that I have an incredible future coming because I am owning my own destiny. I also know she’s invited, but not if every day looks like tearing me down or avoiding me. It’s not sustainable. It affected my mental health to no end, this scrambling to do the right thing while the game was set up for me to always lose. There was never any future, there was only “make me feel good with your writing.” What I know to be true is that she really does treasure the things that I’ve said. That they are valuable to her. But this is what I do. I talk about my life. If we’re not getting along, I’m not going to make it up for my web site.
You cannot stop being a Dooce fan because she “stopped being real” and then throw a shit fit when I’m real with other people. The reason Supergrover is upset is that I based my entire blog on what I think because she stopped telling me anything. I was wandering around trying to figure out everything on my own so that she could sit in judgment that I didn’t divine her needs out of thin air. It cost me more time and energy than I had to give. I hurt her and spent a very, very, very long time trying to heal the rift. She was avoidant at every turn and I became disenchanted because not every problem is because I’m a judgmental dickhead and you’re the most loving person on earth. It’s that she can dish it, but she can’t take it. She can call me a judgmental dickhead all day long, but she cannot hear that her behavior is also problematic.
She told me that she lost the ability to be a decent friend. It would have been excellent if she’d told me that when I said, “is anything wrong? You seem distant” ad nauseam for eight years. I wasted my time, and I know it. I’m not bitter about it, but I know it’s true. I also know that she is capable of monster manipulation if she can say she’s lost the ability to be a decent friend and that her mama wolverine claws are coming in within days/weeks of each other. It’s humiliating, really, because I lived for the ups without seeing the downs.
It did not make her less special to me, less amazing, less anything. She’s human. Just because we’ve gotten angry at each other before doesn’t mean I now want to hug her any less than I did on day one. But what I do know is that if such a thing were to happen, it would be because she started letting me know how she is thinking and feeling so that I don’t have to guess. I’m not in the business of anticipating needs anymore. If you can’t communicate, you don’t get to say that’s my fault. If you won’t communicate, you don’t get to step all over my ass because I tried to open a discussion and you don’t want to talk. That’s not the friend I met, that’s not the friend I want.
For me, “I love you” looks like “I picked up your afternoon coffee.” “I love you” looks like remembering you on every birthday and holiday. “I love you” looks like waiting quietly for the storm to pass, because there’s so much about our relationship I celebrate. And I don’t even mean this storm. I mean waiting between letters. I didn’t want to be stuck in dysfunction junction, but here we are. However, it takes two people to have a dysfunctional relationship. None of this is all her fault. She has her own list of things that are horrible about me and she’s right. Because I’m human. I do just as much wrong as everyone else. I also know that if I was a public figure, I would have said, “me.” I disagree with me all the time. That’s generally why I post.
So, Trump is the public figure I disagree with the most…. but, again…… he’s not interesting.
We are.
Stories That Are All True 