I am watching everything I have ever put in to the universe come to fruition, and I am satisfied. I don’t have to be more successful than this. My Medium entries started making money immediately. I offered Supergrover a job last night, but I have a backup already hired if she can’t do it. I have to have someone to be my Girl Friday, and she’s very good at editing because she takes public transportation just like me. However, I don’t expect her to quit her current job unless she just wants to, because she can. We’re safe. I can take care of us. It’s just that Michael and I have different roles in her life. I sent her the thing about making money on Medium (The screenshot of my first earnings report- it added up to about 50 cents). Basically, she told me that she wanted to marry Brene Brown, and I was butt hurt about it because I’m younger than Brene, but I was the supervisor in her computer lab so the power dynamic is inverted. She said, “I want to marry Brene Brown” and what I heard was “if you were successful like her and not you, I’d be gushing over you like that.” Bandwagon fan. It’s how I felt about my in laws, too.
I was stuck in this dystopian nightmare where everyone infantilized an adult, so even when Supergrover didn’t mean any harm, I heard it. Not only that, because it’s a trauma bond, I was in burnout for two days. Absolutely none of this is her fault. Just because it happened doesn’t mean it happened because of her, but if it’s good in my life, she had a hand in it. Her love language is Actions of Service. I can get her to wash my car and tip her $2, but I cannot get her to tell me how she’s feeling. You would have to know how incredibly funny this is in terms of our current professional roles, but I promised if I emotionally vomit on her enough the next Big Gulp’s on me. Because now she doesn’t have to treat me anymore. She also doesn’t have to drive me around, because I can buy a car if I want, but I don’t want. I’d rather invest my money in Lanagan Media Group and take Uber or the bus. It just depends on how much time I have. I’m a writer. I can work anywhere, and the train is the perfect setting because the motion and the sensory deprivation chamber (can headphones) are perfect for writing quickly. Especially if I tether my phone to my iPad, I can use Copilot to edit while I work. If she offers suggestions and I answer the question, if I make mistakes I just ask Copilot to correct it. That way, I can edit to the best of my ability before I send it off to a publisher. I already know it will sell.
When I realized how angry I’d been, I changed gears. However, it is not every day that Brené Brown plays a role in your relationship except oh. Wait. Brené is so powerful she probably knows we’re talking about her right now. Kidding. She’s omniscient, not omnipotent.
Supergrover and I aren’t talking right now, and I am comfortable holding space. It’s one of Tara Brach’s “mindful pauses,” so I’m choosing to retcon our relationship as a series of them.
Probably better that way. She has the personality of someone who drives like Mario Andretti when she’s mad. I worry about her, so it’s good she doesn’t drive, at least to work, anyway.
We have so much intersectionality in our lives that she’s never seen, because we’re both first children with the same amount of drive. I’m just AuDHD and she’s not. Therefore, it looks from the outside like she is successful and I am not. However, we are still the same person. Over the next 20 years, I’m going to prove it to myself.
And because I’m autistic, I’m going to explore why her barrier to entry was so much easier than mine. Why her path forward would never happen to me. I am not bitter, I am using myself as an example of disparities in the workplace between perception and reality.
This is because computers are autistic. They speak our natural language because autistic people created computing. When creating machine language, the pathways began to resemble an autistic brain. Now that we have advanced to speech recognition, everything AI says is autistic.
I have said that before, but I have a lot of new readers. This is going beyond the paywall on Medium, because that’s how I’ve decided to handle it. Everything is free on this web site, because I don’t get paid here. Therefore, I am expanding to a new platform while not screwing over the fans I already have and the biggest distribution list.
Things are moving very, very quickly. I’ve created a company called Lanagan Media Group, established that my father is doing business as me (all of my money is in Texas regarding my investments).
My mother had to die for all this to happen.
All the Jesuses are me.
Stories That Are All True 