Quietly

I go into my closet to pray, thanking God for the little things. I have an apartment with running water. I have a trust to make sure that I don’t have to work when I cannot. I have a family that understands I have cerebral palsy, Austism, ADHD, and bipolar disorder with psychotic features. I have friends who would do anything for me. I have a deep relationship with the historical Christ, who directs me toward social justice, and an ability to write about it. I have talent when it comes to crafting sentences, from which I do not know where it started. If I had to guess, it was in elementary school.

My first win was an essay on adult illiteracy called “I Forgot My Reading Glasses,” in which I was asked to read it in front of the class in fifth grade.I have always been grateful that I can communicate with many people, and I draw people to me with it.

I am grateful that I have had mega fans over the years, one that thought I was world famous and several who have thought I should write books in addition to blogging. I don’t know if I will ever write a book, but because I write so many words on this web site, I am grateful that I know I’m capable of publishing.

I am grateful that some people think I should write an anthology of the blog entries I’ve already written, and should look for a literary agent. I do not think my writing is as good as my readers do, but I am over the moon that many people think it is.

I do not know what the future holds for me, but gratitude flows within me that I have so many options. I do not want to go down in history as just a writer, so I’m also grateful that my nonprofit ideas are taking off. I really do want to give the unhoused a place to go, to eat and learn to cook. I am unsure how to do this, because both my ideas seem to resonate. The first is a set of pop-ups to give the unhoused “dinner with dignity,” food that they could never afford on their own.

The second is to build a library based on Oodi, which not only has books but a maker space as well where anyone can rent tools, there’s a kitchen space for all I want to do with my pop-ups and cooking classes, and is a bigger idea than all of my other ones put together.

Yesterday, I came up with the idea to write to Oodi and ask if I could have a copy of their original business plan for the Finnish government. I need a guide as to how to get the idea through the Maryland house. My sister is a lobbyist, and I know that she could help me with the form, perhaps sending me a blank bill to fill out. I need to find a sponsor, but I don’t know any….. yet. I know when I find someone, that will be a great day full of thanks and tears.

I do not want to sit on my laurels, I want to bring hope to other people while I am able. I am not sure that people will take me seriously, but it only takes one person to believe in me.

I am grateful that I can come up with lots of creative ideas on a dime, and these have resonated with people I admire. I have said many times that I came to the area to do great things, and I am working toward them by joining Kindle Unlimited and checking out all the books I can find on starting a nonprofit.

Gratitude will get me the rest of the way, because so many legislators go without thanks as they work towards ideas that may never come to fruition. Saying “thank you” instead of being angry that things aren’t happening fast enough is key, because right now ideas for the disenfranchised don’t pass through congress quickly if I want to take this idea to the federal government instead. I have a feeling I will need both state and federal grants to get the library I want, because Baltimore is a small city. I do not know if their budget will sustain a library like Oodi, but it would be a shame not to try since that is a democratic base.

It starts with me, though. I have to put in the work and I’m grateful that I do have enough energy to sit and type at my computer. I am also grateful for the 10 years I spent in the kitchen, because while I am not capable of a full-time job there anymore, I am definitely capable of creating a brigade for other people. I know how to organize stations, and I know how to teach. I learned from the best, and I intend to pass on my knowledge to people who need jobs and don’t know how to get started.

Those that can’t, teach…. and the hardest part of teaching is remembering what it was like not to know. I do remember those days fondly, and not every dish I make turns out perfectly. I have gratitude that other people can and will see me fail. I am not a chef lording my talent above them on high. I am human, and so are my potential students. Sometimes, failing up is the best lesson, and instead of getting angry at yourself, you have to figure out what that failure is trying to teach you.

It’s reaching up for gratitude because anger will only lead to more mistakes, especially if you are under pressure during service.

I am also taking a lesson from José Andrés, that feeding people is not political. I do not want to check political credentials at the door, but there must be a basic respect for all. I will be grateful if this library does not turn into a political fight because people of all backgrounds find themselves without a place to live.

The Sinners’ Table is being elevated because I realized that it is a great project in and of itself, but we have a chance to add even more specialties with a library that rents out equipment, gives the unhoused a place to go during the day, and provides more avenues for learning than just cooking.

We have the ability to create a performing arts center with classes of all kinds in a soundproof basement or top floor, providing beginner lessons on instruments that kids cannot afford on their own. When people think of “the unhoused,” they rarely think of hungry children who also need an outlet for their emotions.

I have a feeling that private donors would be interested in this as well, but government money is key because I need buy-in. They’re the ones that will give me the money to build what I need or overhaul a historic building without having to endure the ups and downs of private fundraising, of which I’m sure I will also do plenty if government grants aren’t enough.

I keep telling my HR and PR teams at Lanagan Media group that their favorite word needs to become “endowment.” That’s because I cannot think of a city that needs something like this more than Baltimore. There are places within my city that look like a war zone, and have the crime statistics to prove it.

People turn away from crime when they feel loved and needed, when they feel their own gratitude shining through. Recidivism goes down when people become educated, and a library like this gives all people, rich and poor, a place to go that is free.

It’s also a way to redeem my own sins and feel gratitude that I’m actually giving back to my community. My plan, should it work out, is to actually spend time in Finland at a vocational school so that I can actually get my chef stripes. I need to learn more about teaching while working in the bubble that comes with culinary school. The school itself, Vami, is free. Living in Europe is not.

My gratitude will overflow if I get my wish to study there, because I cannot find a free school in the United States. However, I do feel that it is necessary to become a chef in order to lead others in an administrative fashion, because I am not cut out for the line. I am cut out for HR, inventory, menu planning, and teaching the prep and line cooks what I need them to do. They’re the ones that will take on the heavy lifting of feeding the multitudes. I have put in enough time to know that cerebral palsy and 50 lb bags of flour do not mix.

In school, I would have a lot more support with things like that than I would in the fast-paced world of the line. I have heard too much about what culinary school is like not to believe it, because I’ve had friends that have been to Johnson & Wales, Oregon Culinary Institute, and Culinary Institute of America. All of these stories have led me to believe that I could make it through school with a lot more ease than I could work in a restaurant every day, and it is the education I am missing in order to create the fine dining experience I want the unhoused to have when I get back.

I would have gratitude that I got to sit out what’s happening in America for a while. I do not like the direction that the country is going and I need a break from the constant crazymaking. I am over the Republicans being the party of “no” and the Democrats trying to appease everyone all the time so that we cannot make headway. Gratitude would be the ability to forget what is happening and focus on Finland, even though the odds are that it would be attacked by Russia while I was there.

The thing is, though, the Finnish military is prepared and no one is better than them at fighting in that climate. I would be safe nearly anywhere, and with an American passport, I could leave at the first sign of trouble. I would stay if I became fluent in Finnish and Russian, though, because I know I could help just by overhearing conversations and reporting them.

My gratitude would be turning my blog into an important war story about someone who once was lost and then was found in the strangest way possible… that when it got dangerous, I got calm.

That’s the gratitude with ADHD and Autism. The crazier it is around me, the more calm I become. I think I would be an excellent war reporter because my instincts are sharper when my cortisol is sky-high.

I quietly take in my surroundings and triage what needs to be done, then when the cortisol subsides, I write about my experiences.

Feeling the gratitude that I was once again able to make it through something I thought I couldn’t.