The Change Agent

It’s a sobering realization that no one can change your life but you. There are memes and coffee mugs that all say it, but you really have to feel the “oh, shit” moment when you realize no one is coming.

It’s harder when you realize the village you would have had isn’t there anymore because you set it on fire.

Aada is on my mind this morning because I realized that in another entry I said that our relationship had become negative for me. I think I misspoke because it seemed like Aada was doing something that made the relationship negative. No, I didn’t like the behaviors I saw in myself. She never got the right version of me, and there was no way to correct first impressions.

Aada only got the internet version of me, and wouldn’t meet up to correct any misconceptions or let our relationship relax from its adrenaline-fueled origin story. I cannot make anyone do anything, so I retreated in a major way. I could not have handled it any worse had I hired a brass quintet to herald why I wanted out.

In short, she scared me. I scared her. Neither one of us were very good at communication because we didn’t grow up in the same first family environment and that’s not even counting the differences between meeting someone at Safeway and sliding into their DMs for 12 years.

She says she’s going to try and stay away from my blog. I support this, because my life needs to move on without her right now. But I hope that someday she remembers the depth and breadth of who I am and not hold me to my worst mistakes. I will do the same for her. I just don’t think that needs to be three months after our initial blowout. I picture some years passing, that maybe something will bring us back together because I know we’re mad at each other right now but this is too hilarious and I’m not going to think of anyone else.

And then I picture meeting in person shortly after, because I do not want to go any longer with Aada as the internet version of myself.

On the internet, I was brash and bold. I said too many things that should never have been said, and I regret them so much that thinking about it is painful. I know that I am not a narcissist, but I will always have played that role in Aada’s life. I couldn’t see the completed puzzle on the table when we met, and that’s the part where I struggle in my grief now.

Our most recent blowout is just that…. our most recent blowout. Where I get tripped up is why in the world our relationship descended into such madness 12 years ago. Why wasn’t I smart enough to see endgame?

And then there’s the old adage that one lie rips the fabric of a narcissist’s world, so I have to know whether Aada told me she lied because she needed to unburden herself, or whether she just told me she lied to watch me spin out (we’re very healthy, can’t you tell?).

But a narcissist wouldn’t wonder if they were a narcissist and they for damn sure wouldn’t be trying to figure out relationship patterns from years ago trying to figure out what they did so the next relationship isn’t like that.

I have a skewed view of all my relationships based on how Aada thinks of me. That her untrue version of me has affected my on the ground personality. That she thinks I do x, so it must be true when she’s never met me.

I’m trying to be the change agent that says “hold on.”

I wish I could go back to the days where I was happy with our arrangement, but I can’t. We’re both too old to be fighting like this, and it’s a shame we couldn’t get it together. There was just no third party to verify what either of us were saying.

I have to forgive myself because I was incredibly mentally ill. I did get myself checked out, but I didn’t ask the right questions….. like, “what do you really want to be doing when you’re 50?”

That’s easy.

Writing books with my coauthor, shooting a straw in her direction if I need her attention.

I could have taken that dream and run with it. But I didn’t. I traded it for Bipolar with psychotic features. Whenever a choice was presented to me, I picked the one that would pay off right now.

I am entering a new phase of life, where I need to think about how things are winding down. Impulse control has to get better, because I have less time for distractions. I don’t have time to chase everything that feels good.

I need to be able to assess what I want and fit everything into those goals, rather than goals coming up on the fly.

I burned everything to the ground this time around, and it’s time to see if I have the ability to plant crops in ash enriched earth.