I have called maids, and will be scheduling at least monthly for now, if not weekly. I can slowly take over a system once habits are in place, but I can’t just wing it. My executive function will fail within days. It’s why being married kept me from seeing that I was autistic. I wasn’t remembering to do any household tasks; I was mirroring my then-wife. Demand avoidance is helped with social masking because you’re getting encouragement from someone when you remember to do something, and their social cues that they need you to clean are made easier by them getting up to do something, reminding you that you should be busy.
It’s why I’m considering moving in with housemates. It’s not feasible financially for me to move anywhere outside of the state of Maryland unless it’s to another state with Medicaid expansion, which rules out Texas and thus living with family. Once I get my disability case straightened out, I will have a little more freedom…. or less, if I choose it. Supervised housing is an option I’m also considering, because again, I need a safety net.
I also have the opportunity to be a voice for those who have to live in those situations.
I don’t want to fall through the cracks medically or psychologically, because it’s so obvious to me that I need help in different areas of my life. The one thing I don’t have is anxiety about writing, because people tend to listen kindly, as if we’re both just having coffee on the back deck.
And even if they didn’t respond kindly, I think I would still have a need to explore my world the way I do, trying to understand the role I play in it. I am doing my best to make this a bad chapter, not a bad story.
Maybe one day the liar and the betrayer will have a chance to meet without fighting it so hard. I doubt it, but I don’t want to close myself off from it except for in the near future. I need time to heal, to learn how to be a decent person all over again; the last thing I would want to do in having a new relationship is old patterns.
But we’re both going through tremendous life changes that will bring about a rewiring. I don’t know that Aada will rise above past hurts to rebuild, nor am I confident that she should yet. I need something to bring to the table first. Right now I cannot handle my own life.
Sometimes in life we have these catalysts for change that we need, but we don’t know why we need them until reflection on the consequences of our actions. I need to get some perspective on the last 12 years- move away from them entirely so that my life isn’t internet-based.
That part of it is bad for me, because it sets off my adrenaline and cortisol in a way that in-person conversation doesn’t. If Aada never wants to meet on the ground, then I am glad that our relationship is over. I need it to have a different pace… lazy, even. But Aada’s assessment of the situation is that I only write to manipulate her and that she has no interest in friendship with me. I have heard worse and she’s still come back later, which is why I have no idea whether this relationship is truly over or not.
There is a limit to what she can forgive, and we will see in time whether I have reached it. There was a limit to what I could forgive in the moment, but at heart there’s nothing she could do. I just needed time, and I hope that’s the case for her, too.
As for this all being a manipulation, I don’t think so. I’ve been the same person I’ve been since 2013, startlingly self aware and realizing I was making mistakes without being able to make myself stop. Writing about that and holding myself accountable makes me feel safe, so that five or 10 years down the line I have a reliable record of what really happened that doesn’t blame anyone else.
I love myself enough not to lie to me.
The reasons the maids are the first step is so that I can get a system in place to come back into the light. To feel comfortable letting people stay at my house (soon), which still may involve checking into a hotel for a night if my maintenance guys come to finish the demo.
Next steps are moving to a more comfortable place, but not before my Houston trip. That’s all the more reason to get a system in place- I’d like my house to be spotless when I come home.
It’s all about support for neurodivergence, because I lost my cool with Aada and I just don’t want to be like that anymore. I need to quiet all the little frustrations in my life so that they don’t build into big ones.
I see how I do want to walk in the world- humble, gracious, warm… all the things I haven’t been while I’ve been trapped in the internet. I claimed not to have time, because Aada wasn’t pressuring me for responses. If anything, she couldn’t get me to shut up. 😉
I couldn’t make anything else matter in my life but Aada, which sounds like such a weird thing to say unless you know the whole story. Those words would frighten even her, but they are no less true. I would sit and think about all the things I had going on in my life vs. everything going on in hers and my life paled in comparison.
I felt like I was very much “Player,” from Carmen Sandiego on Netflix… the Internet friend that has all the support and the answers but is never physically in the same place with her.
It’s all of those little things that I miss… but I think that my best bet is to start thinking about a beautiful house with or without housemates somewhere in Baltimore or the DMV.
(DC, Maryland, Virginia- what we call the city of Washington that spans all three. If you live in DC, you say that you’re from “The District” and you get irrationally angry with people who live in Virginia or Maryland claiming they live in DC.)
I don’t want to move over the Maryland line because everything is in their hospital systems, but it remains to be seen whether I will return from Baltimore. It just depends on what kind of deals I can get, and that’s what makes me the most nervous. I don’t have my own income. I have money. That doesn’t generally mix with renting places. So it’s a discussion with everyone in my life as to what my next move should be.
But it’s finally a discussion I’m ready to have, because I am seeing that I do have a disability that affects not only me, but everyone else to a large degree. I do not think that I would have hurt Aada had I not been in autistic meltdown because I had no coping mechanisms for it. I was so emotionally dysregulated that I acted horribly to someone I do indeed love, despite the evidence.
My adrenaline and cortisol betrayed both of us because I was so unhinged. I didn’t think about danger or how she was feeling. The only thing I can do to save our relationship is to be dead honest about that because she’d forgive the truth. She would not forgive excuses.
Autism does not mean that I am not responsible for my anger. Autism is what takes anger and turns it into red mist rage before you can get a handle on it. You turn into a different person because your brain chemicals are so hot. It’s what turned legitimate displeasure with a friend that could have been worked out over time into a disaster. Autism and ADHD rob me of time to think about my reactions, so I get a lot of time to go back over them.
I just have to see the silver lining in the storm, which is that this is a chance to regather all the friends I’ve ignored. I cannot believe Aaron Brown is actually coming all the way up here, and I’ve been given an invitation to see my family at the end of the month. Those two things are more exciting than it’s been around here in years.
But the maids are the first step.
Stories That Are All True 