This is of course tied with Robert Glasper’s “Black Radio” and Jason Moran’s “Ten.” These three albums are what’s carrying me through my life in pain and joy.
And right now, there’s a lot of pain.
I wrote about my favorite album last year, how “The Eminem Show” molded me over a number of years. But today is so quiet that I cannot focus. There are people coming at 11:30 to deliver sandwiches, including my former high school principal. As it turns out, she’s a good friend of my dad’s.
My sister is coming over later, and my stepsisters after her. We’re all trying to make the most of our family time because I’m not in town all that often. That may change- we’ll see. Nothing has been decided about our future.
Nothing.
We’re all in this together, as my dad keeps repeating. And we are.
I wish I could say more and will in the coming months, but I’ve reached a crossroads in my life where I’m wondering what my direction should be. I have a lot of choices in front of me, and normally all those questions would go to Aada, who is I’m sure grateful for the reprieve from the constant barrage of e-mail I’d normally be sending her about now.
But this time, there is no “Jesus Christ, just come pick me up..”
That was our code when I’d enjoyed all I could take.
I miss my darling girl, but I have to remember that I chose to separate from her through thought, word, and deed. Things have been done that cannot be undone. That does not make grief at not being able to talk easier. I wish that she would accept my apologies with all that I am, but I do not think that is possible.
What I do think is possible is that this is supposed to be a learning curve for me. That I cannot act in a vacuum. I can wish for forgiveness all I want, but that does not mean it will be granted.
I know what’s on my heart without being allowed to know what’s on hers.
I’m writing about this grief to avoid writing about others, but I’m really going through it right now. I could use all of your good thoughts because there is no hope of anything but major life transitions in store.
The thing I must concentrate on is walking to the river without blinking.
So far, I have. I’ve been afraid and shy and all those things.
But we’re still getting closer with each step.
Stories That Are All True 