Vulnerability

The trait I value most about myself is that I’m not afraid to say the quiet part out loud.

I’m learning that there aren’t many quiet parts in life because the more you’re able to be vulnerable, the more you’re able to get empathy. The more you’re able to get empathy, the more you want to give that feeling to others. Shutting yourself off from the world is definitely a thing you can do, but how it helps? Not so sure I liked it when I was touch starved and lonely for so many years. I’ve had more hugs in the last few days than I have in the last four or five years.

It’s how I realized family was so important and that I needed to cultivate it in Baltimore if I was going to stay. Going home would be the easiest choice, but not necessarily the right one because it’s the most expensive.

But perhaps the most expensive is the best for my mental health, and I have to do what’s best for it. I would have to learn to ignore a lot of the world around me and focus on making myself a better person, because there is nothing I can do about the state of Texas politics except vote and encourage others. But I’m not going to release anyone from a cult, and that’s what Texas politics has become in its service to the president.

Houston has a lot of crime, but there are also a lot of Trump voters here. That’s why I doubt that Houston’s crime rate matters. It’s more politically expedient to target Democratic strongholds. Baltimore is probably going to be next. If the National Guard cleans up the city by actually cleaning, that would be great. There are parts of the city that look absolutely war-torn, and we could use the help. But that kind of help is not what the president means to imply.

I am hoping that the National Guard will show itself to be for America by protecting protestors rather than creating violent situations.

But thinking about all of these things makes me focus less on taking care of myself. I don’t mean to be selfish, but taking care of myself is work that I’ve been ignoring. My social masking and compensatory skills are off the charts for all the adaptations I’ve developed to cover my weird, but now that I’m old they don’t work.

My body cannot compensate as fast, because what medical disorder gets better? I am at a loss as to what to do, because I need my family in a different way than I ever have before, but my safety and security legally and medically is in a blue state.

Plus, I love access to the water. Whether it’s the Potomac, the Willamette, or the Chesapeake, I just like being on the coast. I know within myself that Oregon is probably off the table for right now, but may be a possibility later in life if Evan and I are successful at writing this cookbook and need to collaborate full time.

I will be able to make a better decision once my car gets here and I can spend the day driving around and looking at neighborhoods. I’m becoming convinced that both Baltimore and the DMV are possibilities, I just have to make up my mind quickly. The DMV is easier for Lindsay and there’s plenty of support for me in Rockville. I already have everything set up here, but it would be easy enough to transfer.

I am also pretty sure that I am Baltimore weird and not DC dress-up. Now that I have a car, it doesn’t feel like I live any further away from downtown DC than my friends in the outer reaches of Northern Virginia. It just feels longer to people from Virginia. 😉

I suppose it can be with traffic, but I don’t have to get out in it. I can wait until it dies down, though there’s always a little bit of traffic between the two cities.

Again, it’s too early to tell without a car to explore, but I’d love to live in a walkable neighborhood so that the only time I needed to drive was to pick up groceries and go on road trips.

Short ones, if I’m by myself.

I look forward to them, as my next will probably be to visit friends for Halloween in upstate New York. I have mentioned this if you are a fan. I’m mentioning it again because it’s something to look forward to down the road, literally.

In the meantime, I’ve been staring at my stats wondering why I appeal to such a worldwide audience. What is it about me that translates to India, for instance? I have a lot of Indian fans and it makes me happy because it’s fun wondering what their daily lives might entail. I’ve also thought about getting a t-shirt made that says, “I’m kind of a big deal in India.” I just don’t know what to say when questioned. 😉

I am not “kind of a big deal” in India. I’ve just noticed that most of my overseas fans are from there. And in fact, I’m interested in all of my nonwhite fans, because I speak out on a lot of issues that should be people of color’s voices first.

I get it wrong sometimes because I’m white. I’m also capable of being taught when I’ve erred. White fragility does not apply to me because I’m desperately interested in learning how to be a better ally. I’m trying to show that I may not have walked a mile in a black person’s shoes, but as a queer person I know where they pinch.

I wish that people would feel the same outrage they’d feel at SCOTUS overturning “Loving” for “Obergefell.”Too many straight people feel that being queer is a sin, voting on things that have never affected them and shouldn’t be up for debate. Gay people getting married should have had to be approved by straight people. We exist and want to partner up whether you’re in our lives or not. I wish that settled law would stay settled, but if “Roe” has been overturned, there’s no limit to what could happen in America’s future.

It’s why I’m still thinking about school abroad while Trump is president and then reassessing whether I’d like to come back. It just depends on who would have me, but being nonbinary opens up options.

It really depends on what my dad and sister think. I wouldn’t want to put myself in a situation where they couldn’t come and visit easily. But that is relative because they both love to travel. I just need to focus on myself so that I can take these big changes in stride.

Nothing is more important than getting a good night’s rest, because I find that I can handle more during the day if I sleep well. I am trying to create a morning routine for myself, which is being met by resistance from my demand avoidance.

My therapist has their work cut out for them, as do I. The hallmark of neurodivergence is not being able to create habits… that every task takes the same amount of energy no matter how many times you’ve done it because nothing goes on autopilot. I haven’t been coping well in the past, which is why cognitive behavioral therapy is so important to my future.

It takes a lot of chutzpah to admit that anything is wrong with you, because of course I care about what people think. I just care about telling my truth more, because it attracts the right people to me. I wouldn’t get along in life very well if my friends and family couldn’t put up with my blog entries.

I have already had one friend accuse me of using my blog to manipulate her, but I hope that is fading now that she’s out of my life and my story hasn’t changed at all. I am using the Oasis model of “Don’t Look Back in Anger.” I’m not a manipulator, and no one says that when they first start reading. They say that after they’ve known me for a long time and are a part of the story.

I don’t know how to manage writing about my life without ruffling any feathers, and in fact told Aada that I would burn the whole thing down and start writing books if she’d edit them. It was a bargain that didn’t work because she was too angry to listen to me.

But I don’t have a history of lying to her.

It was my way of saying, “I know your career is more important than mine and I know I messed up.” It was not an insincere offer in the slightest, because at the time, I’d had enough of blowback and thought relaxing with an editor would slow all of that down…. posting every day leads to possible blowback every day.

But writing about my life would be uninteresting if I had no friends and just sat in my own echo chamber, and I know that because I am not interesting to me as I sit in this apartment. Aada became my focus because she was out there living her life and I was sitting here hearing about it…. but I wasn’t really creating a life outside of that.

It’s a new era. This morning I woke up and walked to Wendy’s, where I was standing in the world’s longest line…. and just got out of it and left because I realized that if I waited to order I’d be late for my psychiatrist’s appointment. We’re doing telehealth so I only had to dash back to my house, but it was still a close call.

Then, this afternoon I walked to the convenience store to get a can of Hawaiian cold coffee, a Diet Dr Pepper, a Gatorade, and a watermelon juice. I drank the watermelon juice as I walked home, because it was new and novel to me.

That’s two walks I would have had trouble making before I left for Texas, because I seem to have come back a little more gregarious. I think I had to be reminded who I am.

I wasn’t agoraphobic the entire time I was in Texas, but I had my sisters, dad, and friends around me.

Again, it all comes back to vulnerability and saying the quiet part out loud. I will have friends and chosen family in Baltimore, it’s just about being brave enough to ask.