Gratitude

The air, trees, and water were all perfect today. It rained some, but I loved the contrast between Portland and Maryland weather.

The soft serve at Wawa is delicious with tart cherry syrup and chocolate sauce on top.

Waffle House tasted as good as I remember.

I didn’t dress up by any means, and everyone I met today was kind and helpful. Slowly, my mood changed into something resembling a person.

There’s been a change in my resting heart rate, and that can only be positive.

I sort of slept last night, so thank God for small favors.

I really, really love driving my car and have put a stunning amount of miles on it for the little time I’ve had it. I know the newness will wear off, but I’m just so grateful that I have a car that is capable of assisting me in being a better driver.

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It’s the next morning, where I have already been on quite the drive. I went to get some Dunkin, then didn’t feel like going home. I drove to Columbia and back just to listen to NPR and feel the road under me a little longer. It was so early that there was no traffic at all, and I’m going to remember it because I didn’t sing today. I need another stretch of time in the car with no traffic to be able to get out my emotions. Today, I was running away from them. I needed peace from all my rumination because there is literally no point to it. Continuing to dwell on anything but gratitude is unwise.

So, I’m grateful yet again that I have a car and can go on these journeys that allow me to explore the outside world when I have been so resistant to it over the years. Baltimore makes me feel strong, but what makes me feel even stronger is knowing that DC doesn’t feel far away anymore. I am not a burden on my friends.

I am grateful for Sam, my ex-girlfriend, who doesn’t pop up in my memory all that often but apparently I was driving close to her house without knowing it and her address appeared in CarPlay as a pin. It was jarring; the pin was made in 2022 and didn’t have her name attached. I just remembered that was where she lived because her street is the name of the town where Bryn grew up.

Now, when I say I was driving near her house and I didn’t know it, the pin popped up when I was six miles away. I jumped and then when I calmed down, I remembered her incredible smile. I do not think that she wants a friendship with me, or to date me again. It was just a moment of surprise that I don’t often get in my daily life. I didn’t feel the need to reach out, but I did feel the need to think about her for the length of a red light.

Sam completed me in a way that no other woman ever has, which is being a singer and conductor. Some of my favorite memories are of us singing in the car, and I wish we’d done more of it. But Sam thought it was a huge red flag that I didn’t have a car back then, plus grew to hate that I was a blogger, which is fair.

It’s a lot like dating a comedian, I would imagine.

I do miss our rush of romance and wish it had lasted. I was crazy for her, and wanted a very long relationship. She told me that my assessment that we were having a great time and she flipped out is accurate. But, of course, since she was so freaked out that I didn’t have a car, the first thing I thought of when her address popped up is, “I wish I could go pick her up and show off my new baby.”

Then, I thought, “nah. I’m good.” I did follow her on Instagram because her kids are doing exciting things in music and I went to High School for Performing and Visual Arts. I think it’s great that her kids are excelling and wish them all the best.

Maintaining solid boundaries is important to me. I followed Sam on Instagram. She will see that and she can decide if I’m worth revisiting. I don’t think that dating is a good idea, at least not currently. But what I do think is a good idea is realizing we live six miles away now. I knew that Walmart looked familiar. Shit.

Right now, I just need a friend who will eat ice cream with me and tell me that they are fully aware that my life is in transition so here, have some more hot fudge. We will sort this all out.

I don’t have high hopes, but it’s stupid not to reach out after so much time has passed when we genuinely enjoyed each other as friends. What I loved most about Sam is that my joy returned. I couldn’t contain myself when she was in the room. I know I can have that sort of positive energy for her if I keep it light and cultivate healthy boundaries.

I tried to be as honest as I could, but dating did not work out. That does not mean her value in my eyes reduced as a person. It means that I got very angry and I got over it, not eager to try dating again but eager to recapture the joy of seeing someone familiar.

That’s the thing about Baltimore. I’ve only lived here since December, so things are just starting to feel familiar. I have a counselor I can call for help, so it’s not like I’ve got no one…. and I have a ton of acquaintances, but none that are close enough to me that they’ve actually been to my house.

Sam came to visit me several times at the Wire Ave. house, but she’s never seen my apartment that is apparently so close to her.

I would like to meet on neutral ground and just catch up with someone. The universe reminded me that there’s actually someone I do like enough to have coffee, and one leads to another in terms of creating a network.

If Sam has no interest in reestablishing contact, it won’t hurt my feelings. I just needed to stop automatically assuming she never wanted to talk to me again and ask.

Baby steps.

I also am not blind to the fact that I want to connect with Sam and Tiina and everyone else who knows me in this area so that I can stop focusing on Aada. I did not wake up crying this morning, and that’s progress. I think that the crying is over, for the most part, because I’ve realized that I’ve put away something huge… which is this constant need to be umbilically connected to the internet.

My attention needs redirection, and I am not looking for it from Sam because she is an ex. I would like it if she also wanted to move on and be friends because did I mention that she’s six miles away?

Proximity means more than our previous relationship, so I hope moving on is possible.

If I can forgive her for absolutely wrecking my heart, she can forgive me for being angry about it. It’s been three years. I haven’t held onto anything because I wrote about it. I didn’t sit there and seethe. Once everything was out on paper, I could look at it and let it go.

But of course I only control my own feelings and I don’t get to decide how long she’s hurt. All I can do is be open and try to mend our relationship in a healthy way, respecting no contact if she wants that as well.

I have gone overboard in trying to get messages to Aada when she didn’t want contact and I could say the same thing of her in reverse, that her emails weren’t always wanted. I felt justified because there was a stunning lack of clarity in her last communique.

Is it “for good” or “for now?” Are you using resources to track me or not? I am hoping that we are now truly inconsequential to each other because I am always worried that her consequences for me are far more dire than she ever lets on.

They never have been, but I didn’t get the safety and security of knowing it. I am still reeling from her little alerts doorknob, and trying to bring down my cortisol to a manageable level.

I got my answer on “for good” or “for now” when she blocked me on my secure channel. The other mail servers wouldn’t tell me that all email from my IP address had been permanently deferred. She never said, “don’t write to me again.” I had to figure that out on my own.

On Tony Mendez’s birthday.

Well played.

I know for sure that it’s not personal, but my imagination goes overboard into believing it is. She actually wished me peace and good things, so I think I can calm down and just let life happen despite the lack of clarity. When a relationship ends, you’re never going to get all the closure you want. You just have to get off the train.

Well, the ship. Aada’s first nickname on this web site was Argo, and my favorite line I’ve ever written about us is “I sleep deeply in the belly of the ship, for I know my passage is safe.” I will probably get a line drawing of the Argo as a tattoo in memory of our relationship, because I know that this is a time in my life that deserves a place of honor on my body. It can go near the ichthus, because writing to Aada felt religious.

She has asked to be transferred into the pantheon of gods that determine my actions….. meaning, it will be a long time before I stop hearing her voice in my head. New scripts compile themselves out of old conversations.

WWAD?

It is better for her that we not be friends, because it is better for me, too. She was brilliant for me in some ways, and terrible for me in others. She’s just another relationship that I broke and I will remember those sins for many years to come.

Maybe that’s why I’m hoping for a redemption story with Sam. I couldn’t fix things with Aada, but I might be able to fix things with others that have been off my radar. Sam is just the most important because again, six miles away.

I need to reach out to more people in the area, but I want to make amends to Sam first because new friendships are great, but so are old ones.