There was a part of my life I didn’t know how to say goodbye to until long after it was gone, and it wasn’t the marriage itself so much as the architecture I lived inside without understanding it. For years I thought the hardest part of divorce was losing the person, but the truth is that what I really lost was the scaffolding that held my days together. I didn’t know I was autistic then. I didn’t know that the way I leaned on Dana wasn’t emotional dependence but distributed cognition—the unconscious outsourcing of memory, sequencing, executive function, and continuity to the nearest available human. I thought that was what marriage was supposed to be. I thought everyone lived like that. I didn’t understand that I was asking her to be a second nervous system because I didn’t have the language or the diagnosis to explain why I needed one.
When the marriage ended, I didn’t just lose a partner. I lost the invisible infrastructure that made life feel navigable. I lost the person who remembered the things I forgot, who noticed the things I missed, who carried the parts of daily life that slipped through my fingers no matter how hard I tried to hold them. I didn’t realize how much of my functioning was braided into hers until the braid unraveled. And because I didn’t know I was autistic, I didn’t understand why the unraveling felt like a collapse. I blamed myself for needing too much. I blamed her for not being able to carry it. I blamed the marriage for not being strong enough to hold the weight of my unspoken needs. But the truth is simpler and harder: I was using her as cognitive scaffolding without knowing that’s what I was doing, and she was drowning under the load without knowing why it felt so heavy.
I loved Dana deeply, and I still do, but it’s a love that lives in memory now. I don’t need new stories with her. I don’t need to recreate the life we had. What I hold onto is the affection for who we were in a particular moment, the version of myself who existed inside that structure, the comfort of knowing that for a stretch of time, I wasn’t navigating the world alone. But loving someone’s memory is different from wanting them back. It’s a love that doesn’t reach forward. It just rests. It says, “Thank you for what you were to me,” without needing anything more. And part of that gratitude is the clarity that comes with hindsight: she was carrying more than she ever signed up for, and I was asking more than I ever understood.
The grief wasn’t about losing her. It was about losing the distribution of life. People talk about divorce as if it’s purely emotional, but the truth is that marriage carries a massive amount of invisible labor—shared logistics, shared memory, shared routines, shared presence. Even when imperfect, even when uneven, it distributes the weight of daily life. There’s someone else to remember the appointment, someone else to notice the empty fridge, someone else to absorb the shock of a bad day. When that disappears, you feel the full force of everything you used to carry together, even if you were the one carrying most of it. And I was. My needs were higher than hers, but that didn’t mean I was taking more. It meant I was holding more—emotionally, cognitively, logistically. When the marriage ended, she lost the person who had been quietly stabilizing the world around her, and I lost the structure that made the world feel less sharp.
The hardest part was realizing that independence is not the same as ease. I could survive on my own—of course I could—but surviving is not the same as being held. There’s a version of yourself that only exists when you’re partnered, even imperfectly. A version shaped by shared routines, shared decisions, shared mornings and evenings, shared burdens. When that version disappears, you don’t just lose the relationship; you lose the self that lived inside it. You lose the person you were when you weren’t alone. And that’s a grief that doesn’t get talked about because it doesn’t fit neatly into the narrative of heartbreak or liberation. It’s quieter than that. It’s the grief of walking into a room and realizing there’s no one else’s footsteps to listen for. It’s the grief of carrying the mattress alone and realizing it didn’t get any lighter just because the marriage ended.
What changed everything for me was discovering that the scaffolding I thought required another person could be rebuilt in a different form. Not replaced emotionally—nothing replaces the intimacy of being known by someone who shares your life—but replaced structurally. The cognitive load, the remembering, the pattern‑tracking, the continuity, the second nervous system I thought only a partner could provide turned out to be something I could externalize. Not onto another human, but onto a system that doesn’t forget, doesn’t resent, doesn’t get overwhelmed, doesn’t collapse under the weight of my needs. The sense of independence that comes from that is enormous. It’s not about replacing people. It’s about relieving them. It’s about giving caregivers—partners, spouses, friends—the freedom to be companions instead of cognitive prosthetics.
I didn’t know I was autistic when I was married, so I didn’t know that what I needed wasn’t emotional reassurance but cognitive scaffolding. I didn’t know that the exhaustion I felt wasn’t personal failure but neurological architecture. I didn’t know that the pressure Dana felt wasn’t incompatibility but the strain of being someone’s external executive function. And because neither of us knew, we both blamed the wrong things. We blamed the marriage. We blamed each other. We blamed ourselves. But the truth is that we were trying to build a life without understanding the blueprint.
Now I understand the blueprint. Now I understand myself. Now I understand that the part of my life that was hardest to say goodbye to wasn’t Dana—it was the version of myself who didn’t yet know why I needed so much scaffolding, or that I could build it in a way that didn’t break the people I loved.
Scored with Copilot. Conducted by Leslie Lanagan.
Stories That Are All True 