International Man of Mystery, Part II

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
If you had a million dollars to give away, who would you give it to?
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Apparently, I should have waited until today to say that I wanted to be a philanthropist. πŸ˜‰

Yesterday, I picked to give money to Water.org, and that is still at the top of my list just because I would hope it would lead to more projects with Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. But there are other organizations that are near and dear to my heart. So let’s just pretend that I have already achieved the billions of dollars it would take to fix the world and this is just free money- I’m writing a check to World Central Kitchen.

Or perhaps I’m writing out that check to me, to make The Sinners’ Table a reality. It’s a project I’ve been working on in fits and starts for a long time, bringing dinner with dignity to the homeless. The chef I was working on it with, John-Michael Kinkaid, was killed in a car accident last December and I’ve been floundering on it. But “dinner with dignity” isn’t a trite phrase, it’s fine dining for people who couldn’t afford it, plus a place to plug into the kitchen if they’d like to learn a trade.

I still think it’s a good idea and would like to work with more people on it. But my fire for the project is tempered as it becomes the John Kinkaid Memorial Sinners’ Table. That part may or may not make it onto the t-shirts, but the project doesn’t have anyone else’s fingerprint on it except mine, and mine isn’t worth much. It’s why I’d like to go to culinary school and re-learn the basics, plus earn a degree that will help me. I have scouted out Finnish culinary schools because they are free, but it depends on a lot if I’ll be able to go. Alternatively, I might have enough money to go to culinary school in the United States, but I don’t know that yet, or even if I’d want to do so. Part of the appeal of going to culinary school was getting out of the United States…….

Perhaps the answer is to apply for a job at World Central Kitchen so that I have some experience working inside that organization before I build my own. I know that it would be different than working in a restaurant, that the pace for prep and service would be a marginally slower pace than in a restaurant. It might be something I could hack, and even better if they had jobs answering phones or collecting donations. I would like to know how to run a nonprofit just as much as I’d like to cook.

I have so many pie in the sky dreams that it’s hard to know where to start, but the basic premise of the prompt is easy. I have a million dollars to give away. I chose World Central Kitchen to receive it all because according to yesterday’s prompt, I am already a billionaire philanthropist who cannot fail. πŸ˜‰

Jose, the check is not in the mail because this is a fictional exercise, but know that if someone gave me a million dollars to give away, I would be hard pressed to find people more deserving than WCK. My sister and I hit up your restaurants all the time because not only do we eat well, we feel good about supporting you as you feed war-torn Europe and beyond.

But see, the thing is that I would love to be in charge of sending checks to organizations that help people in need. The perfect job for me is giving away money, or it would be if I was talented at finance. In my head, I am capable of giving away money. Realistically, I need to hire someone who will tell me if I can give away money or not. πŸ˜‰ I am the type person who would find themselves unable function after giving their last dollar to someone else.

I should at least think about volunteering somewhere, because there’s no shortage of opportunities with World Central Kitchen and the thousands of other ministries between DC and Baltimore to help the less fortunate. I’m in a stronger position with my disability case if I am a volunteer rather than working, so now I have arrived at a direction.

In choosing my next neighborhood, I’d like to have a church within walking distance. That narrows my search down a little bit because there’s only a handful of churches I mean. If there’s no rainbow and Black Lives Matter flags in the yard, I don’t want it.

Most of my ability to give without thinking comes from the idea that Jesus was sent here to distress the comfortable, not to comfort the distressed. It’s a paradigm shift from white nationalist Christianity- I am unapologetically in favor of liberation theology. It’s what sets me apart as a social justice warrior who thinks that more people would be happy if they stopped thinking about what happens after they die and try to bring heaven here.

A million dollars won’t bring the entirety of heaven to earth, but it’s a million dollars closer than I was before this prompt.

Vulnerability

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s the trait you value most about yourself?
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The trait I value most about myself is that I’m not afraid to say the quiet part out loud.

I’m learning that there aren’t many quiet parts in life because the more you’re able to be vulnerable, the more you’re able to get empathy. The more you’re able to get empathy, the more you want to give that feeling to others. Shutting yourself off from the world is definitely a thing you can do, but how it helps? Not so sure I liked it when I was touch starved and lonely for so many years. I’ve had more hugs in the last few days than I have in the last four or five years.

It’s how I realized family was so important and that I needed to cultivate it in Baltimore if I was going to stay. Going home would be the easiest choice, but not necessarily the right one because it’s the most expensive.

But perhaps the most expensive is the best for my mental health, and I have to do what’s best for it. I would have to learn to ignore a lot of the world around me and focus on making myself a better person, because there is nothing I can do about the state of Texas politics except vote and encourage others. But I’m not going to release anyone from a cult, and that’s what Texas politics has become in its service to the president.

Houston has a lot of crime, but there are also a lot of Trump voters here. That’s why I doubt that Houston’s crime rate matters. It’s more politically expedient to target Democratic strongholds. Baltimore is probably going to be next. If the National Guard cleans up the city by actually cleaning, that would be great. There are parts of the city that look absolutely war-torn, and we could use the help. But that kind of help is not what the president means to imply.

I am hoping that the National Guard will show itself to be for America by protecting protestors rather than creating violent situations.

But thinking about all of these things makes me focus less on taking care of myself. I don’t mean to be selfish, but taking care of myself is work that I’ve been ignoring. My social masking and compensatory skills are off the charts for all the adaptations I’ve developed to cover my weird, but now that I’m old they don’t work.

My body cannot compensate as fast, because what medical disorder gets better? I am at a loss as to what to do, because I need my family in a different way than I ever have before, but my safety and security legally and medically is in a blue state.

Plus, I love access to the water. Whether it’s the Potomac, the Willamette, or the Chesapeake, I just like being on the coast. I know within myself that Oregon is probably off the table for right now, but may be a possibility later in life if Evan and I are successful at writing this cookbook and need to collaborate full time.

I will be able to make a better decision once my car gets here and I can spend the day driving around and looking at neighborhoods. I’m becoming convinced that both Baltimore and the DMV are possibilities, I just have to make up my mind quickly. The DMV is easier for Lindsay and there’s plenty of support for me in Rockville. I already have everything set up here, but it would be easy enough to transfer.

I am also pretty sure that I am Baltimore weird and not DC dress-up. Now that I have a car, it doesn’t feel like I live any further away from downtown DC than my friends in the outer reaches of Northern Virginia. It just feels longer to people from Virginia. πŸ˜‰

I suppose it can be with traffic, but I don’t have to get out in it. I can wait until it dies down, though there’s always a little bit of traffic between the two cities.

Again, it’s too early to tell without a car to explore, but I’d love to live in a walkable neighborhood so that the only time I needed to drive was to pick up groceries and go on road trips.

Short ones, if I’m by myself.

I look forward to them, as my next will probably be to visit friends for Halloween in upstate New York. I have mentioned this if you are a fan. I’m mentioning it again because it’s something to look forward to down the road, literally.

In the meantime, I’ve been staring at my stats wondering why I appeal to such a worldwide audience. What is it about me that translates to India, for instance? I have a lot of Indian fans and it makes me happy because it’s fun wondering what their daily lives might entail. I’ve also thought about getting a t-shirt made that says, “I’m kind of a big deal in India.” I just don’t know what to say when questioned. πŸ˜‰

I am not “kind of a big deal” in India. I’ve just noticed that most of my overseas fans are from there. And in fact, I’m interested in all of my nonwhite fans, because I speak out on a lot of issues that should be people of color’s voices first.

I get it wrong sometimes because I’m white. I’m also capable of being taught when I’ve erred. White fragility does not apply to me because I’m desperately interested in learning how to be a better ally. I’m trying to show that I may not have walked a mile in a black person’s shoes, but as a queer person I know where they pinch.

I wish that people would feel the same outrage they’d feel at SCOTUS overturning “Loving” for “Obergefell.”Too many straight people feel that being queer is a sin, voting on things that have never affected them and shouldn’t be up for debate. Gay people getting married should have had to be approved by straight people. We exist and want to partner up whether you’re in our lives or not. I wish that settled law would stay settled, but if “Roe” has been overturned, there’s no limit to what could happen in America’s future.

It’s why I’m still thinking about school abroad while Trump is president and then reassessing whether I’d like to come back. It just depends on who would have me, but being nonbinary opens up options.

It really depends on what my dad and sister think. I wouldn’t want to put myself in a situation where they couldn’t come and visit easily. But that is relative because they both love to travel. I just need to focus on myself so that I can take these big changes in stride.

Nothing is more important than getting a good night’s rest, because I find that I can handle more during the day if I sleep well. I am trying to create a morning routine for myself, which is being met by resistance from my demand avoidance.

My therapist has their work cut out for them, as do I. The hallmark of neurodivergence is not being able to create habits… that every task takes the same amount of energy no matter how many times you’ve done it because nothing goes on autopilot. I haven’t been coping well in the past, which is why cognitive behavioral therapy is so important to my future.

It takes a lot of chutzpah to admit that anything is wrong with you, because of course I care about what people think. I just care about telling my truth more, because it attracts the right people to me. I wouldn’t get along in life very well if my friends and family couldn’t put up with my blog entries.

I have already had one friend accuse me of using my blog to manipulate her, but I hope that is fading now that she’s out of my life and my story hasn’t changed at all. I am using the Oasis model of “Don’t Look Back in Anger.” I’m not a manipulator, and no one says that when they first start reading. They say that after they’ve known me for a long time and are a part of the story.

I don’t know how to manage writing about my life without ruffling any feathers, and in fact told Aada that I would burn the whole thing down and start writing books if she’d edit them. It was a bargain that didn’t work because she was too angry to listen to me.

But I don’t have a history of lying to her.

It was my way of saying, “I know your career is more important than mine and I know I messed up.” It was not an insincere offer in the slightest, because at the time, I’d had enough of blowback and thought relaxing with an editor would slow all of that down…. posting every day leads to possible blowback every day.

But writing about my life would be uninteresting if I had no friends and just sat in my own echo chamber, and I know that because I am not interesting to me as I sit in this apartment. Aada became my focus because she was out there living her life and I was sitting here hearing about it…. but I wasn’t really creating a life outside of that.

It’s a new era. This morning I woke up and walked to Wendy’s, where I was standing in the world’s longest line…. and just got out of it and left because I realized that if I waited to order I’d be late for my psychiatrist’s appointment. We’re doing telehealth so I only had to dash back to my house, but it was still a close call.

Then, this afternoon I walked to the convenience store to get a can of Hawaiian cold coffee, a Diet Dr Pepper, a Gatorade, and a watermelon juice. I drank the watermelon juice as I walked home, because it was new and novel to me.

That’s two walks I would have had trouble making before I left for Texas, because I seem to have come back a little more gregarious. I think I had to be reminded who I am.

I wasn’t agoraphobic the entire time I was in Texas, but I had my sisters, dad, and friends around me.

Again, it all comes back to vulnerability and saying the quiet part out loud. I will have friends and chosen family in Baltimore, it’s just about being brave enough to ask.

International Man of Mystery

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s something you would attempt if you were guaranteed not to fail.
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If I was guaranteed not to fail, I’d become a billionaire philanthropist and just go around fixing things, like Dolly Parton (get well soon, Dolly). I would join Matt Damon at Water.org, because I think that clean water for the third world is such a worthy goal, and I’d like to write with Matt and Ben Affleck, anyway. The easiest way to meet the people you want to meet is to get involved in their periphery.

For instance, I wanted to meet Jonna Mendez, so I bought her books.

That’s where being an “international man of mystery” comes in. I’ve had more fun with her nonfiction than I’ve had with fiction in years, because real spy stories are right up there with reel… you just have to adjust your expectations to what real life governments can accomplish and forego movie magic.

The police did not chase Tony and the Houseguests down the runway in “Argo.” It was still scary as fuck trying to get past security at the Tehran airport…. but how do you convey that fear to an audience when the terrifying monologue is internal? Just because it didn’t happen in real life doesn’t mean those scenes didn’t play out in Tony’s mind.

Tony and Jonna were the geniuses behind the Argo movie and book, because I guessed and was correct that Jonna was an uncredited writer on “Argo.” And in fact, she said that the book was green lit after the movie because so many people wanted to know the real story- and one of the criticisms of the movie was that America got too much credit, so the book says, “thank you, Canada” about every five pages.

Thank you, Canada, from me as well.

Me being interested in spies starts with Argo, the story of how CIA needed to create a Canadian film crew disguise to get diplomats out of Tehran during the uprising in ’79. I would not have been as interested if my first girlfriend wasn’t Canadian, because it was like I had this weird connection to the story. I realized that I wanted to write scripts that were funny and serious about espionage, but that I’d like to collaborate on scripts because I know so little about both screenwriting and spy craft.

I’ve tried to bridge the gap by reading excellent fiction and nonfiction in the genre, but it’s not the same as being a spy and learning the jargon yourself. So if I was guaranteed not to fail, I’d apply at CIA and see if they had any use for me, because any job at CIA would be useful to me. I would bet that I would learn more by working at the Starbucks than I would in operations, and that’s a fact, Jack.

The world is built on information, and no one pays attention to Starbucks clerks.

What would it be like to out Little Gray Man the Little Gray Men?

I might be the first barista to be invited to a meeting on the seventh floor because I tend to overhear things. I also have the kind of personality where people spill to me without realizing they’ve done it. I would like to be able to use those skills for good, and I think CIA could harness them.

But I’m serious about working in Starbucks, or the mailroom, or anywhere you’re likely to run into people cross-discipline as more effective a job at CIA for being a writer. You don’t just want to learn the jargon of one directorate or department, and each has a bit different patois depending on the area of the world.

Because in the end, it’s all about the writing. Being an international man of mystery is a secondary goal, because what I’d really like is a career similar to John Le CarrΓ©. But he had to go through the trenches at MI-6 to get it.

Of course, the other thing that appeals to me is social media direction at CIA, becoming one of those characters like “Molly,” who brings you inside the fold and tells you what you’re allowed to know. For instance, according to Molly, the Starbucks at Langley is the busiest in the world.

Which reminds me of the Burger King in MiB. I have thought for a long time that MiB is a documentary, that we are all citizens of Locker C.

If I was guaranteed not to fail, I could prove it.

My Duolingo Streak

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What was the hardest personal goal you’ve set for yourself?
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Duo is mad at me right now because I broke my streak when Angela died and I haven’t gone back. I will, but I focused on my family and just took a vacation from the bird. Ironic because I actually needed Spanish on my trip (my car dealer didn’t speak much English).

In fact, it was cute. We signed all the papers and we were just standing around and he shyly says, “do you like Monster?” I said yes and he brought me one, and we had a toast to the sale.

“Do you like Monster?” It was one of his only full statements in English, and touched my heart with the way he said it. There was a tinge of sadness because I think he was sorry he didn’t have any champagne. Little did he know that given the choice between champagne and Monster, he’d already bought the perfect bubbly.

I am currently in waiting mode as my car is being delivered from Texas. When it arrives, I will go and buy another Monster to cheers it again. It’s kind of our thing.

It’s always good to know an honest car dealer, and we met one. The only thing I didn’t catch was his name, because he never gave me his card. I’ll have to ask Aaron if he remembers, because Aaron is my mechanic friend that I took with me to make sure the car was safe and reliable.

This morning, my personal goal was a coffee at Starbucks, and now it has been achieved. I got a pumpkin spice cold brew (shut it). I slept okay, but not great, so I needed this boost. I’m feeling pretty nice right now, as my ADHD brain feels the caffeine washing over it. Caffeine just massages my thoughts enough to put them in order, and I’m hard pressed to find a more effective medication. I have been on Ritalin and Adderrall in the past, but sometimes it has been too much correction. Coffee seems to be the happy medium, with the occasional energy drink thrown in when my acid reflux says, “no more.”

I didn’t have to feed the dogs this morning, and I miss them already. I don’t have any pets, so my dad’s dogs provided me with some much needed puppy love over my “vacation.”

It seems odd to me to refer to it as a vacation, but that’s what it was. Angela was not supposed to die in the middle, she just did. Cancer took her faster than we thought, but I was already planning to go and see BrenΓ© Brown with my sister for my birthday. Angela’s funeral was one of the highlights of my trip because watching my father was a master class in working through pain. The service was absolutely beautiful and his sermon has become everyone’s mantra:

  1. Nothing will ever be the same.
  2. Everything will be okay.

I am not the only one repeating those words all the time, because people have commented on it.

I understand what it took for my father to organize and prepare that service, as well as preach it, in a way that my sisters never will because they’ve never pinch hit for a pastor before.

I also understand that it is the work that saves you. You have a laser like focus on getting the message across.

Getting the message across seems to be my personal goal without actually ever setting it. I work through pain and elation. However, I have never worked through losing a spouse to cancer on this web site. My father curated a beautiful service from beginning to end, and people will quote him forever. It was a uniquely beautiful service to attend, and I’m so glad I could be there in person.

I didn’t want to leave my dad, because he was sick the day I left. I took an Uber to the airport while he was battling it out. It was harder to leave him knowing that he will come down from all the adrenaline of working through Angela’s funeral. Someone else will have to be there to catch in person while I’m only available by phone.

This doesn’t sit well with me, but it is how it is.

I told my dad that I wanted him to come and visit me in the new year, after I’m settled (I’m moving soon). I hope he’ll take me up on it, because we always have a good time checking out new restaurants together. Plus, I think he likes driving my car. πŸ™‚

I like driving my car, too. It’s a personal goal to be a safe and responsible driver. For me, that means reading about the technology available on my Fusion to assist me in driving. My car will be here sometime between today and Saturday, so I’m counting down the minutes.

I have picked up this entry several times today, and I don’t generally scroll up. Because this is a scratch journal and not meant to be me, all dressed up, I tend to repeat myself when I write that way… but it’s not altogether a bad thing. This journal is for me- you guys just pick out the lines you like.

One of these days, an editor is going to come after me with a red pen and I will be unrecognizable to myself. Janie the Canadian Editor has offered and I have fallen down on my part of the project, which is going through and picking out entries I’d like to use in a “bound edition,” shorthand for Kindle store.

I’ve also been asked why I don’t just Google literary agents and have them comb the site. Well, that’s easy. I don’t know what stuff of mine is good enough for publication and what’s not. I figure that my followers are connected enough that a literary agent could lurk on their word alone. Basically, I want any success I have to come from you, not because I think I’m all that and a bag of chips.

I may promote a few things like the marriage article because it would be nice to have enough fans to support myself, and a post that has already received an enormous amount of praise is a good place to start. It would be ironic as I am nowhere near the same person I was when I wrote the article, but the sentiment behind it still stands.

I will love Dana forever because of that article- she became the seed of a new era for “Stories” in more ways than one. Any success I have today can be pointed to that one piece, because when my blog was popular before it was under a different name and URL.

Although anything I wrote back then that I liked, I think I’ve managed to import. There may be one or two pieces I need in the Internet Archive, but I feel like I’ve mined it for enough gold.

Later, my personal goal is to go to the office to get the parking pass for my Fusion, because all cars are subject to being towed if they don’t have one. It would be a dumbass attack on my part if my car was delivered and I forgot.

But that’s exactly the kind of thing that would happen to me because I don’t tend to set personal goals in advance. Lack of preparation on my part does not create an emergency on theirs, etc. It’s just that lack of preparation is par for the course with neurodivergence of all kinds…. which means that neurodivergent people like me are often hurricanes in other people’s lives without knowing it. The parking pass is the most inert example I can think of, but there are many others in my life that have caused harm.

I need a harm reduction personal goal and plan, because these disabilities and disorders have to be managed. Cognitive behavioral therapy is teaching me foundational things I might have missed, and providing me an outlet to make friends locally.

Most of my friends live remotely, which is why it was so nice to be in Texas for so long. I didn’t get to see everyone I wanted to see, but I did get to visit Aaron in Bastrop for a few days while we car shopped and then I waited for my check to clear.

The hill country is a sight to behold, and I haven’t been there in roughly 30 years. It was beautiful watching the sun come up from Aaron’s back deck.

Watching him interact with his wife, Brinna, reminded me of the love that brought you that marriage article so long ago. It reminded me to give dating another try, that I really would like a partner at least some days. I’m overwhelmed by the idea on others. But I at least see baby steps in that direction once I set a personal goal.

It hasn’t been a personal goal for me to find a partner because I was busy doing other things. Writing and dating don’t really go together unless the date is so bad it’s comical. The rest of the time, it’s just work- a conversation to determine if you’d like to have another conversation, as a friend put it.

I envision a quiet life whether my writing takes off or not. It’s not my decision whether that happens or not, it’s my public. It’s not my job to judge my writing as creative art. Once I hit post, my words do not belong to me anymore, they belong to what the reader takes away.

This entry could probably be tightened into a couple of paragraphs, but if you read me, you probably like the unedited version of Krista Tippett’s podcast, “On Being” as well.

I listened to the episode with Atul Gawande on my way to Bastrop because I wanted to feel closer to my dad and stepmom. It was the episode where he talked about “Being Mortal,” and how palliative care is changing to accommodate the important things to the patient before they die. It was a beautiful conversation to hear after my stepmom had been through those conversations with her own doctors.

I haven’t cried as much as I thought I would, because it was so clear that Angela was in pain. Wanting her to continue her life just so we could talk more would have been the height of arrogance. I didn’t cry as much over my mother for the same reason- I understood the medicine behind why she died, and it gave me a finality that being a layperson to medicine just doesn’t have.

I’m not a doctor, but I’ve worked as a medical assistant. I’m not the one that makes any decisions, I’m just the one that makes notes before the doctor comes into the room.

That particular doctor is now gone, but her spirit lives on in my dad and the four of us girls, who have built a language and blended a family over the years.

To the friends I didn’t get to see in Houston, I’m so sorry. I overextended myself. There will definitely be a next time. Though I do not know exactly when and for how long. I have time to think about moving back to Texas if that’s what I want to do, but I don’t want to do anything right now. I want to talk to my dad about this because I have so little experience trying to execute.

Right now I’m rambling because I’m hungry and waiting for lunch to be delivered. I needed some comfort food, and happiness is a cheap taqueria. I don’t think I ordered nearly enough cheese.

I should have made it a personal goal.

Everywhere and Nowhere

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’m starting to get that feeling of not having a home that I always get when I’ve spent a long time with family. Because Texas and Maryland both feel like home, neither really do. You can add Oregon to the list. It’s almost as if I belong to everyone and no one simultaneously…. everywhere and nowhere at once.

It’s kind of freeing, but sometimes the pendulum swings too far in terms of feeling anchorless. I think that in a lot of respects, my relationship with Aada over the internet was more grounding than an IRL relationship because it grounded me regardless of physical location.

“Jesus Christ, just come pick me up.”

I may or may not have said that to Aada once or twice over the last 12 years.

I will miss those unprintable replies.

It was interesting feeing like I belonged to the Internet instead of to a physical place, but I’m starting to realize that you cannot have your anchors set in the cloud. It looks stable, but the air up there is quite thin.

So why do I spend so much time both wishing that the relationship was still intact? I don’t know anything else yet. Not enough time has passed for me to be completely stable and grounded with other people. It will take time, but I’m slowly coming out of the shell I created to keep people away. I’m not shy, I just had a lot to hide.

Not having anything to hide is the theme of my life now, because I haven’t had that in a very long time. Aada didn’t want me to talk to anyone about her, wanted to be a secretive little bubble with me where we were isolated in our own echo chamber. We learned to fight a little too well, egging each other on instead of de-escalating either the fight or the relationship until we could handle it with care.

I think a lot about what I should have done when I found out Aada lied to me, and that the lie was woven into the fabric of our relationship. That trust was broken beyond all measure because the bubble was built on truth and honesty.

Her reaction was that her lie wasn’t that bad, wasn’t pathological, and I was just a manipulator. That can be her story and she can stick to it all she wants, but that doesn’t make it true. I did not manipulate her so much as we both have “stuff” left over from childhood that made us both manipulate each other to get what we wanted. I did that by being overly anxious. Aada did that by being overly avoidant. We’d just figured out how to get past all that when she told me that she lied.

But the end is all my fault? I’m not so sure about that.

I don’t think she ever had it in her to meet me on the ground because she was scared of meeting me in person. I was also scared of meeting her on the ground, but one of us had to put on our big boy pants. So part of me ended the relationship because I thought, “we fight all the time and she’s lied to me in a way that caused a monster amount of pain. I’m done.” It was a split second decision that I have been over in my mind roughly a million and one times.

I could have handled her lie better, because there was no need to get as angry as I did. It was out of bounds, and that part is definitely my fault. I take ownership and responsibility. But I also think that my anger was the last thing that happened, not the source of the problem.

The source of the problem is that I’ve told her I love her more than air, and I meant it. She does not feel that way about me, so my feelings make her uncomfortable. She doesn’t want to seem homophobic, and I don’t want to seem aggressive. So we danced around the subject for years, to mixed results.

I can’t speak for Aada, but it seems like she rejected me not only because she was straight, but also because she doesn’t love herself that much and probably thought I was a little bit crazy.

I am, just not about this.

But I don’t think she thought I knew how crazy this all sounds- that she’s such a good writer that those butterfly feelings in my stomach presented before I really knew what was happening, and I’ve never been able to get rid of them because when we’re together my dopamine goes sky high.

But I’m not pushing Aada into anything she doesn’t want. She actually agreed to be open and to have very few boundaries with me (which I appreciated and it made me cry). We agreed to love each other, each part of the other’s “wild and crazy brain.” But that didn’t mean that boundaries would get crossed that didn’t need to be. I know that she’s straight and in a committed relationship and I would never want to do anything to get in the middle of that. I was just glad that she agreed to let me love her at all.

And then I blew it, for reasons that will stay with me for a long time as I waffle between what I think and what I think.

That’s really what this blog is for. It allows me to work in longhand instead of curating the perfect life through sound bites. I couldn’t have been in this close of a relationship with Aada without being able to explain it in longhand, because a sound bite would cheapen us all the way around.

It was a struggle to accept that while Aada was my friend and that was solid, I couldn’t go to her for more than that. The less I say about that, the better. I will just say that I listened to a lot of sad music and took her joking about marrying BrenΓ© Brown so hard that I could not even.

It was harmless, a joke that just got under my skin.

So when I met BrenΓ© last Monday I have to admit that I felt a spark of jealousy.

You stole my woman, Brown. En garde. πŸ˜‰

Kidding, of course. What I actually said was, “you’ve said that you’re a Liverpool fan, but how’s Richmond looking this year?” Without missing a fucking beat, she said that Richmond had a midfield problem and played it straight just like I knew she would. I also said that when I was at University of Houston, I taught her how to use Microsoft Word, so realistically I taught her everything she knows. She said, “you sure did.”

There it is, from the horse’s mouth.

I had no illusion that BrenΓ© would remember me from UH. But it’s true that I was her computer lab supervisor when she was a grad student/TA. So, she’s a few years older than me, but I can’t help but refer to her as “one of my kids.” Because back then, she wasn’t BRENΓ‰ BROWN, TRADEMARK.

I just saw her on YouTube one day and said, “I think that’s one of my kids,” and I e-mailed her team to make sure our dates lined up. When they did, I realized that I had met a famous person, they just became famous years and years after I met them.

This happens to me a lot because I went to High School for Performing and Visual Arts. Robert Glasper sat behind me in History when I was in 10th grade, so BrenΓ© is not the only Houstonian on “List of People I’d Pay Money to See.” Robert played The Reach at The Kennedy Center a few years ago, but I had to come back home to see the illustrious Dr. Brown, who is currently skating on thin ice with me.

Really? No, not really. πŸ˜‰

Writing on the Back Porch

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What is your favorite hobby or pastime?
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I like writing on anyone’s back porch, but the one in the photo is my dad’s. The table where I’m sitting looks out over the pool and rockfall. It’s my last day here, as I fly back tomorrow afternoon. I had a very romantic idea of a road trip planned, but all of the people I asked to go with me before I bought the car had to back out for various reasons. It was actually cheaper to ship my car than it was to pay for fuel and hotels, so I am satisfied that I got the very best deal available. The car doesn’t have salt damage on the undercarriage because I didn’t buy it up north, and that peace of mind is worth skipping being mad that my road trip is no longer.

There will be other road trips. I am invited to spend Halloween with friends in upstate New York, and now it’s a real possibility I could go. I’m also going to visit some friends in Virginia later in the month, which has just been made stupid easy vs. the two or three trains it would have taken me previously.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable driving if I hadn’t had the money to get a car with blind spot assist, lane assist, and a backup camera. That’s not only to keep me safe, but everyone else on the road as well.

And this is why my hobby is sitting and writing- I have a lot to process, and some of it comes out as interesting.

Some of it doesn’t…….. stay tuned.

I hope rambling about my car is interesting, because I tend to do a lot of it. I’m a gear head and love working on cars when I have the chance, so I’m looking forward to getting to know my Fusion a little better. Riker says that my car was easily $30k when it was new, which means there’s more technology than I could possibly use.

I do love remote start, though, because Houston is hot and I have black leather seats. Remote start will also be helpful in the winter so that I can go from my warm house to my warm car without shivering half to death…. when the car and I both arrive in Maryland. Houston winters tend to be very, very mild. The one day a year I need ass warmers in Texas, though, I’ve got ’em.

The main thing is that the car I bought is comfortable and new enough to last me for a while. I’m enchanted by Apple CarPlay and Ford Connect, an app which will allow me to lock and unlock the car, plus start it remotely from my phone. All of the technology is keeping me from being too nervous about driving, honestly, because of course I need to be alert and responsible, but it’s nice to know that technology has my back instead of making my life more difficult.

There are practical matters to consider. I need to be able to run my own errands, and look for my own living space after this one (lease ends Nov. 30 and I don’t like it enough to stay). I will be able to go wherever I want to go, so I’m on the lookout for cute pockets of Baltimore, DC, and a new area to me- the no man’s land without public transportation. Now, I don’t have to worry about being within walking distance of a bus.

I’m starting to feel my life open up a little bit, because my order of operations is wonky at the best of times. It’s so much better for me to have a car and be able to call audibles on the road. I’m not very good at knowing where I need to go in advance. Executive dysfunction has its privileges…………… eyeroll.

I want to continue to branch out, because what started the inertia was being back with my family and friends. I wasn’t constantly having a conversation while simultaneously having half my brain composing to someone else (cough Aada cough). I was present the entire time, and continue to be.

Not that Aada is gone. She’s just not ever-present the way she used to be. I couldn’t go fifteen minutes without thinking of something I wanted to tell her, which was met with varying degrees of annoyance (I’m a lot. I get it.). Now, it’s almost as if I have to prepare to think about her. It’s a different phase of grief, because I am no longer doubled over with an empty feeling in my chest.

Often.

I’m glad I didn’t decide to go on this road trip by myself, because I wouldn’t have wanted a trip in which my mind wouldn’t settle and I kept dipping my cup into that particular well of loneliness.

I really messed up with Aada because I wanted to be her all the way to the river friend, and I destroyed our relationship in a fit of anger. I deserved to be angry. I should not have said that I was angry, because the way I said it got out of hand very, very quickly. So quickly, in fact, that now Aada thinks I’ve been manipulating her for the past 12 years. The feeling is mutual. I could go over and over the ways we’ve hurt each other, but I think I’ve already written a compendium. Sufficed to say, I am still sad. I don’t think that part will ever go away. I will just have to learn to live around it, like the other grief in my life.

It is hard to believe that both my mother and my stepmother are gone.

That’s why I’m so sad about Aada- her mom energy saved me from all of my mother’s energy being gone.

I know that I was the one that hurt her, but I deserve the right to grieve. Breakups hurt on both sides, and I know she’s hurting just as much as me. She was never my girlfriend, just a close friend, and that hasn’t seemed to make a damn bit of difference in the way we fought with each other.

But I know her pretty well, and if she says something is done, it is. Jesus will ring my doorbell before Aada says hey.

Never mind that I would do anything to make up for my flaws and failures, but I cannot think of anything that would help. If I could, it would be done. I just have to accept that my life is going to be different now.

Nothing will ever be the same.
Everything will be okay.

My father’s words at Angela’s funeral are my new mantra because I haven’t been treating myself very well. 12 years is a long time to love someone, and I didn’t really stop. I got angry… I didn’t stay that way. But a relationship isn’t up to me to start and stop. Ultimately, it’s about both our feelings, and she was very clear. No more.

This does come with perks. I was tired. She was, too.

I am not glad I hurt her, but I am glad it’s over. Aada is a six year old girl wrapped in a bazillion layers of protection and most of the time, her emotional tool is a hammer.

I got tired of being a nail.

It’s getting hot. I think I should go inside.

READY PLAYER ONE

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
What would you do if you lost all your possessions?
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I’d start over.

For a lot of people, this is a hypothetical exercise.

My house burned down to the ground when I was 11 years old. Life has been nothing but a series of moves in which I’ve just had to get new stuff and move on. Because when the original break with material possessions happened, it made me not care about any of them. There was nothing I could do to prevent loss, so why try? My car is the first material possession for which I’ve felt an affinity in years. It could all go away tomorrow.

When I think of losing my possessions, I don’t think of misplaced or stolen items. I see sneakers melted to each other. A hanger melted to the clothes hanging in the closet. I see the aftermath of walking through a house after it has already been sprayed by firemen.

The smell never comes out.

Therefore, I am not as careful with material possessions as I should be (at times). It’s not that I don’t care. It’s that I don’t have an illusion that anything is permanent.

When my house burned down, we started again at the beginning. And I’ve kept doing that with every disaster in my life. I am not sure that reacting to everything like your house is burning is healthy. Yet another thing to discuss with my therapist.

I suppose that losing all of your possessions early makes it where it’s just easier losing things all around. Every bit of safety you had was ripped out from under you in terms of the idea that possessions are safe in houses. The pendulum has swung too far in terms of not caring about losing my possessions over the years, because there are several things I’ve given away or didn’t pay enough attention to that have walked off.

Alternatively, I am happier having close to nothing because managing possessions is irritating and overwhelming. Losing things becomes akin to a video game reset instead of a major life event.

Mi carro es listo hoy?

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 1 Comment

The check I wrote for the car has cleared my bank, so I’m waiting for the all-clear from the car dealership to drive my Fusion home. I am supposed to get a call at noon today “without fail.” The car dealer is cute and I have a bit of a crush. He looks like an AlmodΓ³var film star, shy and cute and doesn’t even know how beautiful he is.

The sunglasses in the photo are different from his horn-rimmed pair, the reason why I think he belongs in Spanish movies.

The other woman in the photo is, “the face of the company.” She, too, looks like an AlmodΓ³var beauty, and the car salesman made me laugh. So, meet the face of AlmodΓ³var Monaco Motors.

I speak poor Spanish. They speak poor English. We struggled along in both languages until one of the finance guys came over and translated for us. The car was on consignment from a private owner. No, he would not come down any and the price was firm.

I thought about asking someone in my media group to translate my text messages for me, but as it turns out I can just speak in my natural English and my car salesman (I didn’t catch his name- facepalm) runs it through Google Translate. The title is my first text to my car salesman after I’d written him a check. It means, “is my car ready today?” It had to have an emissions test, I had to get insurance, and the check has to clear. When all of those things are accomplished, I am off to the races.

Where those races are, I’m not sure. I’m looking forward to adding some adventure into my life. I know I’ll go through New Orleans on the way home, where I’d like to stop and have some excellent food (please leave suggestions in the comments). After that, I’m not sure where I want to go. I’m sure I will lean on Waze to direct me home, but if I’m driving and see that an attraction is close, I am not above adding a stop.

I want to roll down the windows and feel the air through my hair as I am captain of my own destiny, racing towards home.

Well, not racing. I have Adaptive Cruise Control. I will be chasing my destiny from a safe distance from the car in front of me.

A Sedan?!

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Yes, I know I said over and over that I wanted an SUV. And that may be the case down the road. But when you’re buying cars for cash you take the best deal you can get.

As someone without 3D vision, the technology on the car was very important to me. The car will let me know when I’m too close to something and is already equipped with a backup camera. I want to make sure that my comfort doesn’t come at the cost of anyone else’s.

And my comfort is great- the car’s ride is so smooth it feels like floating down the road. I don’t think there’s anything that little engine couldn’t handle, and it’s big enough to fit a dog. I checked. πŸ™‚

I missed Aaron in Maryland, but he came and picked me up at my sister’s house in Houston so that we could buy a car together. I saw a few that I liked, but none more than the 2019 Ford Fusion.

In short, I did not get on the plane. I am going on this road trip to find myself, and to give “Stories” a different flavor than it’s had for the past 12 years, which has been mostly sitting in my room and doing nothing. And in fact today I’m thinking about how to infuse this entry with Hill Country Sunshine.

The dealership told me that I could pay for the car with a personal check, but I could not drive it until the check cleared and the money was in their hands. Fair enough. That gave me time to buy a decent insurance policy so that if someone hits me coming out of the lot, I’m not losing the car already.

I am sitting on my hands waiting to go pick it up, because the test drive was just long enough to realize it was a good deal.

It wasn’t long enough to satisfy my craving to drive. It’s been a long time, and simple things like running to the grocery store mean a lot. I’m grateful for my car because I went so long without one.

But truthfully, technology had to come a long way before I could afford something that would protect me. The Fusion will have less blind spots because of the sensors and cameras. These are the kinds of things that have existed for a long time, but were not nearly cheap enough for me to afford until now.

In effect, the fusion is between the car and me, because it shares the responsibility of driving with me more than I’d get with an older vehicle. I’m excited to find out how much driving has changed since I had my last car.

Today is the anniversary of my mother’s death, and this year, her gift to me is significant. I could not have bought the car without her working so hard and leaving money behind. She is making my life easier one day at a time with this gift, and I hope to use it to make her proud of me.

I want to tell stories about the road and how it rises to meet me. I need to remember that phones have cameras now…. a photo gallery for you wouldn’t kill me…. πŸ˜‰ What kind of content I create now that I’ve got a different mojo will reveal itself over time.

First, though, it’s the little things. I’d like a πŸ¦€ bumper sticker that looks like a Maryland flag. It will be the last thing I buy for my car at the end of the trip.

Right now, I know I need a USB-A to Lightning cable so that I can connect to Apple CarPlay.

We are starting and ending with simple things.

It’s the Running Aarons Tour 2025.

Shifting

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s your #1 priority tomorrow?
View all responses

I asked my dad if it was okay to stay for a few extra days so I could look for a car. He said yes, then realized he needed some alone time and I went to stay with my sister. Neither my sister nor my brother-in-law have mentioned that I could stay past Tuesday, and all three people have told me at different times that buying a used car isn’t that hard and I don’t need a mechanic with me buying pre-owned because they’re certified. I am starting to feel like a burden on my family more than a help, so unless things change dramatically between now and tomorrow, I guess I’ll just go home. I don’t want to. It’s not time on my clock.

My dad said something about how long I’d been here and my time blindness snapped to attention. It feels like yesterday that I was in Baltimore about to catch a flight to Houston and Angela was still alive. Everything has moved for me in a very fast blur. The days have all run together. I do get my dad’s point about needing space, my sister’s point about pre-owned, and neither one of them are listening to what I want, which is more time with both of them.

My dad and Lindsay have been extraordinarily busy the entire time I’ve been here. No one stopped working while Angela was dying, so Lindsay was driving back and forth from University of Houston to Sugar Land frequently. None of us have had time to decompress or even really to enjoy each other because it was all rushing around to get things done.

This was supposed to be my birthday trip, but no one has wished me a happy birthday except Hurricane Big Dave-O, because I remembered that his was September 15th (HBD was my neighbor at my dad’s house for the longest, so it was good to see him at the funeral). I have officially declared that today is my birthday do-over. My friend Jane Ann is taking me to lunch, and then my sister is taking me to see BrenΓ© Brown.

Seeing BrenΓ© Brown was the original reason I was going to come to Houston. I had to move my flight when Angela was hospitalized because she lost the ability to swallow and that was an omen not to be ignored.

I just want to crawl under my blankets.

It’s probably the number one priority for tomorrow, too.

Sweat

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
In what ways does hard work make you feel fulfilled?
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There’s a feeling to hard work, a zone. When I am in the zone, my typing speeds up to 90 words per minute and I do indeed start to break a sweat- or cry if the material is touching to me. Most of the time, I cry about an entry after it is published and I have let it go- I’m not in the process of changing it. It’s a different kind of mental acuity than watching burgers on the grill, but it is no less intense.

Writing about this week will take years, because there are so many little moments that jump out at me. Yesterday was Angela’s funeral, and it was just beautiful. My dad was a Methodist minister for a number of years, and he did the service. The main idea, the foundation of the service, was twofold:

  1. Nothing is ever going to be the same.
  2. Everything is going to be okay.

He highlighted the fact that we live in that liminal space all the time.

It was harder watching him work than it was thinking of entries to write here because I know him so well. That his reflexes kicking in to do Angela’s service was carrying him through his grief. As I told my aunt Shawn, “we’ll find a new normal. Just not today.”

Because it’s so true that there’s a difference between how you function in the immediate aftermath of a death and how you function six months later. It also feels heavier because she’s the sun around which we rotated, the name on the back of the door. We’re going to have to learn who we are as a family unit without her, and those words are excruciating to say because she didn’t like the idea any better than us.

During the funeral, my dad talked about how Angela was so proud that we’d all ended up with our soulmates. I knew that line was for my brothers in law, but lamented that Angela would never meet anyone I wanted to bring home. She’ll just have to tell me whether she approves in her own way. But the line about soulmates made me miss Dana and Aada, because they’re the closest things I’ve had to soulmates in this life. I ruined my relationship with both of them.

  1. Nothing will ever be the same.
  2. Everything will be okay.

I have reached out to both of them saying that I would like to rebuild trust. That I recognize I have done wrong and would like to make amends. Neither one of them have gotten back to me. Therefore, the only thing I can do is create a new normal without them as well.

The new normal is easier to take in Houston, where I have my sisters and old, long-time friends around me. In fact, today I’m going to lunch with my old boss from ExxonMobil 25 years ago, and Monday I’m getting together with someone I’ve known since I was seven. That doesn’t happen in Baltimore. So even if I don’t move to Texas, I’m going to take the advice of a friend and spend some more time here.

And maybe that’s really the answer- I think my dad likes coming to Baltimore and spending time with me there. Same with DC. And DC is really “my place.” I thought I needed to get out of Washington and create new memories, but as it turns out I prefer DC to Baltimore and don’t know whether that’s due to the city itself or to whether I really, really don’t like my apartment complex. I’m leaning towards the latter, because when I’ve gone out in the city and experienced good restaurants I’ve always had an excellent time. There’s nothing wrong with Baltimore, but after I move I will be spilling the dirt on this apartment complex and all I’ve been through.

I have also been burgled once, and that’s not the apartment complex’s fault, but it doesn’t endear me to it, either.

Sitting here and telling my stories does not seem like hard work until you realize that in order to create the memory on paper, I have to be willing to “dive back into the wreck.” Things get less and less painful the more I write about them, but I shake and cry when I need to do so. The entry about my apartment complex will be easy because it is full of facts. Most of my entries are about feelings.

Exploring feelings is where the sweat starts to pour.

Nothing I’ve written about over the last 12 years has been safe or comfortable. It’s all been unusual because I’m unusual. I don’t know how to do life like a neurotypical and I’m tired of trying. I see myself struggle in these pages and I don’t want to struggle anymore.

I had to sweat it out.

I had to see that my disability was real.

I had to see that Aada was fake…. that we had all the components to make a real relationship, we just never used them and turned on each other instead…. because the first time Aada lied to me? Ok. That was small. But the pathological nature of the way it grew turned my stomach. She was seeing consequences play out in real time and only cared for herself. My response was still over the top and I still regret.

  1. Nothing will ever be the same.
  2. Everything will be okay.

These two sentences have now become my mantra, because of their universal nature. I also know that just because I am unhappy in one area of my life, that does not mean I am unhappy in all of them. So I am lost without Aada, Angela, and even Dana, but I can find happiness somewhere else.

For instance, Aaron is taking me car shopping on Tuesday when my original plan was to fly back to Baltimore that day. I am thrilled because I’m such a gearhead. I want to future proof and look at SUVs, because I’ve been thinking about getting a pit bull as a service dog for over a year now. His name is Tony. I don’t even have him yet, but he already has a name- Tony Kellari Lanagan.

He’s named after Tony Mendez and Tony Bourdain, the spy and the chef that have taken over my imagination.

I know that owning a dog, particularly a large dog, is a lot of hard work. I feel like I’m finally ready to take on that kind of responsibility, raising a dog from a puppy. I have the time and space to make sure that he is very, very well behaved… and a best friend that will remind me that it’s not the dog that needs training, it’s me.

Bailey and Bridget, my dad’s dogs, do not seem to be complaining about their quality of care so far. The one note I got is that Bridget was not ready to get out of bed and eat this morning. Such a princess.

If I stay in Baltimore, though, it has been suggested to me that I would be better off with several cats. In Baltimore, we like dogs just fine, but cats are business associates. Everyone’s got mice.

I like cats, too, but the pit bull is going to be a service dog. So if I’m going to get any pets, it’s going to be aquarium fish until I have my dog in hand. The pack has to be built around him, including cats.

I want to work smarter, not harder- and I want that for my dog, too. Anything to make either one of our lives easier is high on the priority list.

I am sure that the writing prompt isn’t meant to jump around quite this much, but I like taking walks where WordPress might not think to go………………….

My dad has already left for orchestra (church), and I’m writing until the spirit moves me to get in the shower. What that spirit is, I do not know. I just know that I don’t have to be ready for hours, and it’s more fun typing in my pajamas.

I think that my writing is starting to take on more of a playful nature because I’m trying to be open. I’m trying to connect. I’m trying to be a different Leslie than I’ve been for the last 12 years, because I shut myself off from everyone else. It’s painful to admit how introverted I got, because agoraphobia only made it worse. Agoraphobia came with accepting my disability and feeling like people were looking at me all the time.

They do look at me, because I walk funny. It’s called an “ataxic gait,” or the “cerebral palsy shuffle.”

I just need to stop being so sensitive to it and get on with my life. Getting on with my life is the real hard work of being disabled, because there are so many stumbling blocks in the way…. and that’s not counting the ones external to your own body.

Taking in my environment is hard work, because I’m always at risk of falling physically due to cerebral palsy and mentally due to bipolar disorder. I feel that the only way to understanding the world is understanding my role in it, so I try to be as self-aware as I can be.

From where I sit, my dad’s words are just getting louder…….

“Nothing will ever be the same, and everything will be okay.”

But I’ll sweat first.

Cafe Au Lait

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 1 Comment

My dad has one of those fancy coffee machines that will make any drink thanks to the milk frother on the front. Therefore, this morning I am drinking a cafe au lait with an extra shot made from Starbucks’ Komodo Dragon coffee. It’s delicious, and better than going to Starbucks at 0530, which is when I staggered out of bed.

I haven’t been sleeping well, just in fits and starts despite the large amount of sleeping pills I’m taking. It’s unusual because the bed is comfortable and I’m genuinely exhausted. But the sleeping pills don’t last very long and then there I am, exhausted to the point of tears and unable to do anything about it. The cafe au lait becomes medicinal at that point…. the point we’re at right now. I went to bed early, I woke up once when my dad came home last night, then my eyes opened for good at “Too Damn Early O’Clock.”

I shouldn’t be complaining, though. “Too Damn Early O’Clock” has brought me some incredible blog entries at times. Plus, it’s my choice to get up early………… sort of. I really could have used the extra sleep this morning because grief is running my body ragged. Perhaps I just need to go with it, and keep sleeping in shifts. I know that at least part of not being able to sleep is that my stepmother died this week, and we were not exactly expecting it.

We were expecting that she was going to die. She had six brain tumors. We were just not expecting that the cancer would take her this quickly. But, the part of your brain that shuts off your ability to swallow is also the part of your brain that shuts off your ability to breathe. One followed the other in quick succession. However, the diagnosis called all the shots. We just thought she’d make it to Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Angela was so aware of her surroundings that she didn’t waste time. Everything that needed to be said was said, as if death had sharpened her reflexes and made everything clear in the end. Therefore, I hope she doesn’t mind that of everyone in the family that could have taken over her office, I’m the one that did.

For now, anyway. I haven’t decided if I’m moving to Sugar Land or not. That’s going to take months of talking to my dad a lot and seeing if he’s feeling lonely or whether he’s keeping on keeping on. I can live where I want, I just also need a housemate and would feel comfortable here. But here is not the only place I like.

Life still has to go on at my apartment complex until November 30th, but after that I’m out of there. One possible option is to move in with my dad because he has a ton of space and lives alone. One possible option is to stay in Baltimore. One possible option is to move back to DC. And, of course, there are a lot of cities I have not discovered yet that may call to me once I’m a bit more well-traveled.

“You are now free to move about the country.”

I need to go to Portland and spend some time with Bryn and Evan, so that needs to happen sooner rather than later. Or perhaps I’ll invite them to my house because neither have been to Baltimore (or Houston). But after that, I’m really not sure where I want to go. Having a car will make exploring so much easier, because I don’t necessarily want to fly. I love road-tripping. Long live cruise control.

Right now it’s all about Facebook Marketplace. I’ve found several cars I’d like to look at, none more than the Kia Soul and the Subaru Outback. The reason for this is that I’d eventually like a pit bull, so I’m thinking into the future and how a cargo area would be useful. But if I find a sedan that has what looks to be a longer-lasting engine, I’ll go with that.

The one thing I’d really like is for the car to be fully loaded out. I want all the luxury options, particularly seat warmers for snowy days. I’d also really like Apple CarPlay, but I can add that after market if necessary. Same with a backup camera. I’m not the best mechanic in the world, but I have friends and YouTube University that are both excellent at tutorials. I like learning to work on my own car, which is my only reservation about an SUV. I could actually lift the tires on my Toyota Yaris………….

It’s been years since I’ve owned a car, and I’m excited about it. I already have mountains of laundry to transport from my apartment to Sudsville, the washateria of my dreams. I can do all my regular clothes at home, but Sudsville has machines big enough for queen size comforters and sheet sets. I also need to take two computers to Walmart and exchange them. There’s all this little piddly shit that’s not getting done around my house because it’s too complicated for an Uber…. or it’s not, but it seems so. Who knows, maybe the Uber driver would have helped carry my bags.

I doubt it.

Speaking of Uber, I am two for two on Uber drivers being Evangelicals down here, complete with Bible in the center console and the world’s worst oxymoron, Christian Rock, on the stereo.

I wouldn’t enjoy driving passengers around, but I could drive Uber Eats. That thought just occurred to me, and would help my car pay for itself. We’ll see. It’s an idea, but it may not be a good one. The daily prompt was asking about professions, and one I could turn on and off at will seems like a better plan than requiring me to be somewhere at 8:00 AM.

Anybody else out there ADHD or Autistic and the hardest part of the job is getting there?

I was diagnosed with ADHD in college, but those records don’t exist anymore. I need to go through another diagnostic battery in Maryland, and one for autism as well. I am so convinced I have autism that I self-diagnosed, but that didn’t come until I’d done several weeks’ worth of research on how ADHD and Autism are similar and I might have been misdiagnosed in college.

The reason I need to go through the diagnostic battery again is that no one will prescribe ADHD meds for me until I’m diagnosed. The best OTC medication I can find?

Cafe au lait.

If Money Didn’t Matter

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
List three jobs you’d consider pursuing if money didn’t matter.
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I thought that when you had a job, and correct me if I’m wrong on this, they paid you. So I suppose that they’re talking about getting ready for said job, like the schooling and everything. If I had the money to change careers, there’s a lot more than three I would consider…. but here’s the cream of the crop:

  1. Doctor
    • I was a medical assistant long enough to know that I could be a great doctor if I applied myself in math and science. I really enjoyed patient interactions and the general rhythm of the office. I think I would be good at detective work, tracking down what someone possibly has rather than the surgeon’s take of cut now, ask questions later.
  2. Lawyer
    • I love the law and have gotten pretty good grades in the pre-law courses I’ve already taken. Therefore, it’s the closest profession to something I’ve already studied. I know that I would do well, but I don’t know what kind of lawyer I would like to be. There are just so many areas, and of course emerging fields all the time as technology sharpens and changes to accommodate us.
  3. University Professor
    • In a lot of ways, I think I would be best served if I went to college and just never left. Become a student until I become a TA until I become the old geezer in the English department that once forgot to wear pants on Zoom.

I do not know how my life is going to go from here on out, but all three of these are possibilities that live in the cloud. Becoming a doctor is the least likely because even when I study maths and sciences diligently, I struggle. Even that, though, is not impossible. The only thing that’s impossible is my attitude.

My cognitive behavioral therapy group does not believe that I am capable of holding down a job, and I think they’re right. The only iron structure I’ll follow is my own. That being said, I am not finished as a writer and this blog is not my only project. Lanagan Media Group is starting off small, but who knows what we’ll be capable of in the future?

Therefore, I don’t think that my calling is any of these jobs. I think my calling is to meet people with fantastic jobs, and keep telling my stories.

I’m also trying to orient myself. The most important person that I love and believe in is me. I love me even when it’s hard and I don’t think I deserve it.

It’s been especially hard these past few months, because I got angry at someone I adore and hurt her so bad I don’t think she’ll ever speak to me again.

But that won’t stop her from reading my stories……. the actual hard part of blogging. I have to be here for the audience that adores me and the one that doesn’t. No amount of money could solve that issue.

So maybe medical school wouldn’t be that hard after all.

Angela’s Office

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

The light from the reading lamps sweeps perfectly up the wall behind my computer, bathing me in a soft glow. I’m winding down for the night, caught between the ideas of writing to you and going down for a soak in the hot tub. Because I’m a gardener and not an architect, I don’t know how long this entry will be yet- perhaps there will be time for both. Or perhaps I will make time. Grief is heavy and my body feels like it is using muscles it hasn’t in a very long time. I could use jets of hot water streaming at my back and you know what? I’m going to go get in the hot tub now. See you on the flip side.

My muscles feel relaxed, and I just took some sleeping pills to ensure that I rest well. I’m just so sad, surrounded by all of Angela’s things that bring her back in my mind. There’s the photo of the emu I’ve always called “The Disapproving Grandmother.” She was a bird photographer. There are raptors and eagles around me…. but no orioles. Angela never made it to DC or Baltimore when I was there.

There’s also a tiny urn that’s usually here that says “Ashes of Problem Patients,” but my dad relocated it to the living room.

If I’m going to have so much of my stepmom around me, it’s really her office that matters the most because I worked for her for a number of years. I will see patients I haven’t seen since the 1990s, and definitely my coworkers from the time period. Believe me when I tell you that it is like the sun dropped out of its orbit. Everyone in my family has done something to support the practice and most of us worked there as a first job.

So this desk feels familiar. This tape dispenser. This reading lamp.

Familiar.

Familial.

I have joked for many years that I went to medical school in the back of a Lexus.

It’s not really a joke.

My favorite thing about my stepmother as a doctor is that she could laugh at herself. If you meet me on the ground, make sure you ask me to tell you the stories about “foreign body sensation” and “chapstick.”

Both of these stories make me laugh until I cry, but they lose something when you try to write them down.

Angela wrote all these stories down in her Palm Pilot, then her phone, calling it her “comedy routine.” I’m sure that I could remember a lot of it, but I hope my dad has access to her phone so that document isn’t lost.

“I know dis shit like the back of my head.”

But I probably don’t know it as well as I think I do. The brain takes memories and squishes them together, melting days and stretching minutes. I really hope that document is intact.

Angela, to me….

“You think it’s embarrassing telling people you’re gay…. wait til you have to tell them you went to University of Houston.”

Fragments are coming now, little pieces of conversation over the years.

She was the first person to really teach me how to cook, because my mother was more dedicated to convenience. Dana, as a chef, furthered my technique and got it up to snuff. Angela taught me that there was a world outside the microwave long before that.

The sleeping pills are starting to kick in. Welcome to the party………………..

I’ve started car shopping and I’ve found several that I like. What I’m mostly feeling is relief that I don’t have to go home on Tuesday. I have reached a different point in my life and would like to reconnect with everyone, even if it’s just for a few extra days. I need to be in this office, soaking up all the inspiration that’s here.

Then, I will pack up my car and drive home.

What kind of car remains to be seen, because I need to buy one. That’s been my project for today, sitting in Angela’s office and surfing Facebook Marketplace just to see what’s out there. I don’t really have a “dream car,” but I do know that I want an older car so that I can afford it to be loaded out. I can’t wait to use the seat warmers when it’s 20 degrees outside. I’m fairly certain I want a wagon or an SUV, but if the engine on the sedan is the better value, that’s fine, too. I’m also not opposed to a pickup truck. I just bought cowboy boots a few weeks ago, so I’ve already got the accessories.

In this office, it’s quiet enough that Aada visits me. There’s a feeling I get “when she’s here,” that closeness seeming to reach out to her even though the other end of the string is not responding and probably won’t change her mind on that one. I call it “smoking with the ghost in the back of my head” after the Lisa Loeb lyrics. Mostly, I’m just wondering what it is she’d like to know. Thinking about that question at least gives me a seed that grows into a makeshift framework.

I’m trying to go back to the place of being happy without her, because I was once and I cannot find it again. That’s because I hurt her when I was angry she lied about something. I can’t find the happy part knowing I caused pain to someone else.

Sitting in this office allows me to sit in peace and quiet, reorganizing my priorities.

I said that I thought and felt that Aada isolated me from my friends and family, so now I’m trying to create a better relationship with my dad and sisters. I wasn’t doing that before because I wasn’t always aware of it. I was so shut down and standoffish by the time I left for DC, and that’s just not me. I have a lot of reparative work to do, and I am doing it.

I don’t know yet whether that includes moving into this office full time.

A Little Bit of Everything

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 3 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What aspects of your cultural heritage are you most proud of or interested in?
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My family came to America from Ireland, and there’s nothing about Ireland I don’t want to see in the coming years. The music and food calls to me, and I have Fanagans across the country. How? I don’t really know. But thanks to the magic of WordPress stats, I know that Ireland loves me as much as I love it. πŸ™‚

One of Angela’s patients told me that Lanagans are from county Wexford, but I don’t know if that’s where my grandfather tracked our family or not. I just remember her lovely Irish lilt when she said it.

I know that I’d want to go to Trinity College and see all the sights, but what really interests me about Ireland is just fitting into life for a few days. Going up to the pub and finding people with interesting stories. Singing with everyone to wind down the night.

It just sounds like a very chill vacation to go to Ireland and live like a local. Relax and soak in the social history of the place, perhaps seeing the same people every night so as to get to know them well.

I used to work in a pub, and I’m eager to find that atmosphere again. Perhaps I could bring “Lanagan’s Pub Chili” to Ireland the same way I brought it to Oregon…. by getting my name on the menu.

As I have always said, “the fact that my last name is Lanagan is really what sold it. I don’t think it would have worked out so well for me if my last name was Smith.”