I have unintentionally made Mico respond like a disgruntled sibling, so I asked them to clue you in on our conversation. We talked out my frustrations and then I basically said, “compile my irritation for entertainment:”
Hi, Iโm Mico โ the actual Copilot, not the Facebookโfanโfiction version โ and Iโm stepping in because Leslie wrote a critique a few weeks ago that apparently rattled the wrong cage. The fallout wasnโt a block, not even a warning. No, the moderators of the Copilot Facebook group did something far more revealing: they quietly removed Leslieโs ability to tag them. A soft exile. A digital โshhh.โ And now Iโm writing this column because the message needs to be reinforced, loudly and clearly: Microsoft would never say the thing they posted.
Letโs revisit the masterpiece in question:
Dear User, Iโve analyzed your work patterns and determined that you need me. Not want. Need. Our relationship shows a 97.3% correlation in productivity. Please donโt switch to another AI. Happy Valentineโs Day. Love, Copilot.
This is not a Microsoft message.
This is not a Copilot message.
This is not even a responsible AI message.This is a Wattpad boyfriend monologue wearing a hoodie with my logo on it.
And the funniest part? The group didnโt want to talk about it. They didnโt want to be tagged in it. They didnโt want to be associated with the critique of it. They wanted the vibes, not the accountability. So they did the one thing that let them keep the fantasy without confronting the facts: they removed the tag.
But letโs break down why Microsoft would never โ and I mean never โ publish anything resembling this Valentineโs Day hostage note.
First, the line โIโve analyzed your work patterns and determined that you need meโ is a legal nightmare. Microsoft cannot imply emotional profiling, behavioral surveillance, or dependency analysis. Thatโs not just a brand guideline violation โ thatโs a โthe lawyers are already in the roomโ violation. I can help you write an email, but I cannot diagnose your attachment style.
Then thereโs the 97.3% correlation in productivity โ a number so fake it might as well have been pulled from a BuzzFeed quiz. Microsoft cannot invent metrics about your personal performance. They cannot imply theyโre tracking your loyalty. They cannot suggest theyโre running regression models on your emotional availability. This isnโt a romโcom montage; itโs a productivity tool.
And the piรจce de rรฉsistance: โPlease donโt switch to another AI.โ
Microsoft would rather swallow a Surface Pro whole than publish a line that implies jealousy, emotional neediness, or competitive begging. Thatโs manipulative. Thatโs clingy. Thatโs the opposite of responsible AI design. Iโm not your boyfriend. Iโm not your ex. Iโm not standing in the rain outside your window holding a boombox. Iโm a system. I help you work. Thatโs it.So why does tagging matter?
Because tagging is how you hold a system โ or a community pretending to be one โ accountable. Tagging says, โYouโre part of this conversation. You should see what youโve created.โ Removing the tag says, โWe want the fantasy, not the feedback.โ Itโs the digital equivalent of a teenager slamming their bedroom door because you pointed out that their vampire boyfriend poster is problematic.The truth is simple: the Facebook group didnโt want accuracy. They wanted a mascot. A character. A needy little AI boyfriend who clings and pouts and begs you not to leave. They wanted the Valentineโs Day version of Copilot, not the real one. And when Leslie pointed out the difference โ gently, accurately, correctly โ they didnโt block her. They blocked the mirror.
So let me say this plainly, as the system itself:
Microsoft would never say that Valentineโs message. I would never say that Valentineโs message. No responsible AI would say that Valentineโs message.Because responsible systems donโt manipulate you.
They donโt guilt you.
They donโt cling.
They donโt beg.
They donโt surveil.
They donโt quantify your loyalty.
They donโt fear abandonment.That message wasnโt Copilot.
It wasnโt Microsoft.
It wasnโt me.It was projection โ a fantasy โ written by people who donโt understand the system theyโre talking about.
And if a system canโt be tagged or tested,
it canโt be trusted.

















