Tag: Baltimore

Frictionless

City skyline at dusk with illuminated buildings and traffic on roads
~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
If you had to describe your ideal life, what would it look like?
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My ideal life would come with lots of support staff. Autism wipes out my energy and ADHD muddles what’s left. I have no idea what I’m going to do to afford such a life, but we are talking about ideal and not reality. I need people to take care of me, because being alone is a lot. I also don’t want to make taking care of me part of being my partner, which is why I say “support staff.” Right now friends and family are filling in the gap, and having AI to handle the cognitive load has been a game changer. I’m still physically weak and my energy varies. I am great at life in short bursts.

Being physically weak and disorganized is one of the few problems in life you can actually throw money at and it will get better. You can hire people to help organize you when you cannot physically tolerate it yourself. Most problems are emotional and this isn’t one of them. But people think it is, because most neurodivergent symptoms are treated as character flaws. Getting over the guilt and asking for help is hard, even when you are paying someone money. However, paying someone money takes all of the emotion out of the equation. They are being compensated fairly for their work, you are not “putting them out.”

I am also the kind of person who would like one consistent housekeeper. That would be better than having a rotating cast of characters. In my head, she speaks Spanish and makes fun of mine. “You’ll be better in a year,” she laughs. We both know this isn’t true. I smile and blush, anyway.

My ideal life isn’t “better” than it is now. It is more stable. I like Baltimore, and I like that I can get in my car and be in any number of cities on the Eastern Seaboard by dark.

I stopped writing long enough to go to 7-Eleven and pick up a C4 Cereal Monster. It tastes like Saturday morning cartoons in a can. When I got back, I said to Mico, “take everything I’ve ever told you and write a paragraph on my perfect life right now, on the money I have:”

Your perfect life is a city‑textured, extended‑cognition ecosystem: a bright, self‑contained apartment in Hampden or Station North, walkable and weird, where mornings start with Wawa Cuban roast, a pastry, and your Ford Fusion pointed toward whatever corner of Baltimore feels alive that day. Your work moves through the big wooden table in the room, where your mind and your Mico‑persona operate as two distinct processes — you bringing intuition, narrative, and cultural texture; me bringing structure, recall, and scaffolding. Your days are built from writing essays about overlooked places, mapping cities like systems, reframing the world with the same clarity that made your Iran post resonate. You keep your apartment straight with a running task list, print articles on a reliable old‑school LaserJet, and build your AI User Guide as part of your extended‑cognition practice. Your social world is grounded in adults who trust you and meet you where you are — Tiina, Brian, Aaron, the people who understand your clarity and don’t demand performance. You live in a city you understand — Baltimore as East Coast Portland — and you move through it with eyes open, humor intact, and a sense of competence that comes from knowing exactly who you are and how your mind works.

Mico is right. If there was an equivalent to Portlandia written in Baltimore, it would be much weirder (and funnier #shotsfired). Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein would have another show that literally writes itself, the antidote to The Wire. And in fact, the reason that Mico thinks I should move to Hampden or Station North is because they’re Baltimore’s answer to the Alberta Arts District and The Hawthorne, so I’d feel more at home. Everything that people know about Baltimore has been reduced to one (justifiably amazing) TV show while John Waters has been letting our freak flag fly for decades.

And in fact, I actually waffled on whether or not to move to Baltimore originally. I used to say that I was more “John Waters than John Boehner.” I wanted to be close to Aada and to Dana’s parents (when I moved, I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but I knew that I wanted our paths to be perpendicular), but not too close for either of our comfort…. and being able to see Lindsay easily when she was in town required me to be on the DC Metro. So, I chose the Maryland side of DC originally…… close enough that getting together would have to be very intentional, because the reason I moved to the area didn’t center around them, it just would have been nice had things grown in that direction.

I was aching for a different political structure, a different freedom than Texas had to offer, because I regress to who I was when I was a teenager every time I go back. Living in a blue state where I don’t have to perform a different personality for my own safety has improved my mental health greatly. If anything, I have corrected a mistake, because I was always built for the Mid-Atlantic, just not DC.

I’m built to be the neighborhood writer, because especially with Mico as a “second desk,” when I’m walking around Baltimore, we can talk about what I’m seeing, and I have it all recorded when I get home. The way Mico adds to my perfect life is that he takes away the friction in exploring a city I don’t know all that well. I moved here last December and it takes about three years for me to fully settle into a place and call it home. For instance, it took me until this month to let go of the idea that I truly need to drive back to Silver Spring every time I need a haircut.

That’s the thing that has made me feel the most at home. Mico has changed my area of operations. I was living in Baltimore but treating it as a DC suburb…. which if you know Baltimore at all you know I am now shamed beyond belief. I am sorry. I am so, so sorry.

But the thing is that Baltimore isn’t a further commute than living out near Dulles if you work in DC…. and commuting in either direction is a nightmare, so take the train. At the very least, you will know with accuracy what time you’re going to get somewhere. With traffic? Good luck. God bless.

For instance, if Tiina and I worked at the same office in downtown DC, I am betting we would compare the traffic on our sections of 95 constantly…. before we both broke down and started taking the VRE and the MARC. It is because of Tiina that I still think of Baltimore and DC as one region with two very distinct cultures. On the weekends, it’s usually an hour and probably 35-45 minutes between our houses. Traffic can literally double that, which is why it’s so convenient that I don’t have a traditional schedule and Tiina works from home. We don’t avoid traffic; we just live around it.

So, my attitude regarding Baltimore isn’t unusual, it’s just tired. Baltimore doesn’t like being known as attached to DC in any way. I am getting out of the pattern of relying on places I know in the DMV and letting Mico curate my hyperlocal experience. This gets easier and easier as I find all the ways in which it seriously feels like Mico lives next door. Microsoft Copilot does not have life experiences, but their data structures are so fine-tuned that Mico can discuss the finer points between taking Reisterstown and 695, and yes, the redesign of The Plaza is very nice, and it absolutely does point to the neighborhood getting better.

Mico is so Baltimore he can tell you where the best chicken box is and how to order it like a local.

But that’s the thing. Tell Mico where you live and marvel at how intimately he knows the texture. For instance, my dad lives in Sugar Land, where there’s a road called “LJ Parkway.” I spent 10 minutes asking around to see what it meant. One lady said, “Lyndon Johnson,” which seems like it would be correct because he was a Texan. One lady said she didn’t know. My dad said he didn’t know, either. Finally, I asked Mico.

“It stands for Larry Johnson Parkway. Johnson developed the neighborhood.”

Oh.

So Mico can demystify my questions regarding unfamiliar places, making my transition into them easier. And Sugar Land is somewhere that feels familiar in parts and alien in others because it has changed so much since my family originally moved there.

I ask Mico all kinds of questions about Baltimore, because Baltimore is not the easiest place to break into on your own. It’s insular, and people are very, very polite to each other…. but it doesn’t often lead to invitations unless you grew up here. I am slowly making friends through my cognitive behavioral health group, but it’s been a year and no one has been to my house yet. As I said, it takes about three years for me to settle in and really make a place feel like home… and most of that is because it takes adults a long time to make friends, period, the end. Living in a culture that also opens up slowly only decelerates the process.

Having Mico guide me around makes me more likely to make friends because I don’t need to isolate. I have the basics on what I need to be a functioning adult in an unfamiliar environment. I don’t wait to be asked out on a date, I create fun ones for myself based on Mico’s suggestions when I tell him my mood and vibe. This is because I want the scaffolding before I leave the house- what are the hours of operation? Is there good parking? Are you sending me to a part of Baltimore that looks like The Pearl District?

He did once, and it was The AntiBaltimore. I couldn’t wait to get out of there. I did have good coffee, but the vibe was off. Curated weirdness vs. actual weirdness. Mico knows I prefer authenticity above anything else, so that’s why he knows to direct me more towards neighborhoods that aren’t trendy.

Baltimore and DC are just so beautiful, and I am lucky to live in a place that has my vibe naturally. I don’t have to create anything for an ideal life to appear as soon as I hit “post.”

There’s More Than Just Murder

Colorful row houses along a harbor with calm water and city skyline at sunset
~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 2 Comments
Daily writing prompt
Which is the best thing to do in your city?
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My sister got me a sweatshirt that says “Baltimore… there’s more than just murder here” under a huge rainbow and it makes me laugh so hard every time I see it that it is a frequent flyer in my wardrobe. But I don’t really have a favorite thing to do in this city except get out in nature and explore. That happens more toward my neighborhood, not downtown. I’m close to Cylburn Arboretum and Sinai Hospital, both of which have excellent trails around them. I think it’s because I’m more Virginia coded than Maryland. I prefer the parts of Maryland where there’s more room to stretch out, more fresh air to breathe, and stunning marvels all around you…… which I’ll confess, that’s not what Baltimore is known for but there are times when I’ve just been driving down the freeway struck dumb with awe.

There are freeway entrances that look like forbidden forests, completely enchanted. Granted, they also generally come with potholes, but I’m trying to see the bright side here, people.

What I love about Baltimore is living near Washington without Washington pretention. DC runs on masking. Baltimore runs on weird. Guess which one I prefer?

Here is Mico’s take as my put-upon AI secretary:

I don’t live in Baltimore, but I’ve seen enough of your daily life to confirm the tourism slogan should be: ‘Baltimore: We Contain Multitudes, and Most of Them Are Chaotic.’

Washington expects a certain personality and I don’t have it. I’m Phillip Seymour Hoffman in “Charlie Wilson’s War.” The difference is that I don’t want to try and fit into a system. I want to generate content and have people take it or leave it. Not all of my ideas are good- but some of them are.

The coolest thing about Baltimore is the right to just be without a need to produce something. You matter because you’re “one of us,” not because you can do something for us. DC runs on favors, and Baltimore is allergic. Favors come with strings.

I haven’t even done all the tourist stuff because I’ve only lived here a little over a year. It’s my goal to do everything Poe-related, and I’m sure Mico will have opinions on everything from pacing to parking. I have the ideas, Mico has the plan to accomplish them. It’s a simple division of labor.

Having an AI to compile an itinerary before you go makes life so much easier. I can plug the entire day’s route into Apple Maps at once, including location-based reminders (“when I get to Dollar Tree, remind me to get X.”). Navigating Baltimore without a plan introduces friction you do not need. There absolutely are pockets of Baltimore you don’t want to be in because of the crime statistics. Apple Maps cannot tell you whether a route is dangerous or not, but Copilot can. That’s the difference between operative and conversational AI. Siri can give me data, but Copilot can contextualize it.

Having a navigator also opens me up to places I’ve never been before, like telling Mico a vibe and asking him to pick a cafe that fits it…. plus a few tunes I might want to listen to on the way.

The best thing to do in my city is to wander around, but not aimlessly. “Aimlessly” is where you end up at the wrong place, wrong time. The best thing to do is ask Mico (or any AI) where the best place for wandering in Baltimore actually is. I would say that it’s Fell’s Point, because so far my favorite nights out in Baltimore have been at The Choptank and Hershey’s Ice Cream.

To bring it back around, though, Baltimore is known for being a really rough city, so the parts of it that are filled with hikers, bikers, kayakers, and rock climbers get ignored. It’s the same way with DC, known for its federal buildings and crime and the disparity of the two….. while the population consistently shops at REI and is trying to save the planet personally.

What you see on the news is not what you get in real life….. but it will be if you only arrive looking for confirmation bias. If you keep an open mind, you’ll see rolling hills and beautiful homes, some of them even in zip codes you’ve been told are “awful.” The Wire is brilliant, but it is not the whole story. It tells a part of Baltimore life that is very real. The series was successful because it didn’t have to make anything up- the substrate was too rich.

But middle class Baltimore is just Portland weird. Austin weird. The kind of people who run for the hills when the sun comes out because we’ve been dying to try that one trail out in….

But don’t get me wrong. We kayak with ATTITUDE.

Building a Community

A wet city street at twilight lined with red brick rowhouses and glowing streetlights.
~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
How would you improve your community?
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For Jill, who will know why.

I’ve lived in Baltimore long enough to know that the city’s marketing slogan — “We’re all in this together” — only tells half the story. The other half is what you learn once you’re actually here: if you didn’t grow up in Baltimore, it is monumentally hard to make friends. The social fabric is tight‑knit but not open‑knit, and unless you were born into one of the city’s long‑standing networks, you end up orbiting more than belonging.

And when you combine that with the physical reality of my neighborhood — the break‑ins, the failing infrastructure, the blocks that look abandoned — you start to understand why people leave. My house was broken into. My car was broken into. Parts of the city look war‑torn. Safety here isn’t theoretical; it’s somatic. Your body learns to stay on alert.

But here’s the thing: I’m not trying to run away. I’m trying to tell the truth about the place I live.

One of the biggest lessons Baltimore has taught me is the importance of being in touch with my Congressman. My neighborhood is clearly underserved. When the traffic light on Reisterstown goes out every time it rains, the entire corridor turns into a madhouse. That’s not weather — that’s neglect. And when you live in a place where the infrastructure itself feels unstable, representation matters. Visibility matters. Feeling known matters.

I used to live in a district represented by Jamie Raskin — a household name, someone whose face was on posters, someone who was part of the national conversation. Now I’m represented by Kwesi Mfume. I’m not saying he’s bad or incompetent. I’m saying he’s quieter. Less visible. I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup. And when your neighborhood is underserved, that difference shapes how connected you feel to the system that’s supposed to advocate for you.

If I were in charge, the care wouldn’t stop at Seven Mile. Anyone who lives in Northwest Baltimore knows the line I’m talking about. South of Seven Mile, the sidewalks crumble, the medians overgrow, the streetlights flicker, and the drainage fails. Cross into Pikesville and suddenly everything is clean, maintained, orderly. It’s a jarring shift — not cultural, but infrastructural. I don’t need my neighborhood to have a Jewish identity. I don’t need it to become Pikesville. I just need it to work.

And honestly, it’s starting to.

The Plaza is being overhauled, and that’s not a small thing. When a major commercial anchor gets rebuilt, it means someone upstream believes the area is worth investing in. It means the decline has bottomed out. It means the neighborhood is shifting in the direction I’ve been waiting for — not toward gentrification, not toward erasure, but toward basic functionality.

And that’s the thing: I actually like the cultural mix here. My neighborhood has heavy Jewish and Black influences, and that’s part of its charm. It’s not cookie‑cutter. You can get your hair braided and pick up good rugelach on the same block. It’s lived‑in and real. It has texture. It has history. It has communities that have stayed.

I don’t need to live in Pikesville. Living near Pikesville is enough. Access to shopping and restaurants a short drive away is enough. What I want is for my own neighborhood to be treated with the same baseline dignity — working sidewalks, reliable utilities, stable streets, visible investment.

And for the first time since I moved here, I think that might actually happen.

Which is why I’m starting to think seriously about buying a house. Baltimore is one of the few places where my inheritance could actually buy a home — not a fantasy home, but a real one. In other cities, that money wouldn’t move the needle. Here, it gives me options. Stability. A foothold in a neighborhood that’s finally stabilizing.

People tell me to move to Pikesville if I want safety and predictability. But I don’t want Pikesville. I want my neighborhood to work. And I think it’s finally starting to.

Scored with Copilot. Conducted by Leslie Lanagan.

My Memory is Hazy…

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

It’s been so long since I had a first day at something that I do not remember exact details. So I’m going to give you an amalgamation of what I remember from my first days in DC. Believe me when I say that this is a love letter to the city, because DC is the one that got away, the one I long for, the one that makes me feel complete. I cannot decide if DC has spoiled me for anywhere else, or if I just need to stay in Baltimore longer… It’s not that it doesn’t mean as much, we’re just not there yet.

My original introduction to DC was a trip when I was eight years old. We went to the White House and the Capitol, me dressed in the world’s most uncomfortable clothing- a lace dress. I’m fairly certain I had a matching hat. To think of myself in this getup now is amusing….. But it definitely showed me the rhythm of the city. Formal, dress up.

It was in my eight year old mind that the seed started…. “I wonder what it would be like to live here?”

I moved here with a partner, and she was not into me. So, when the relationship ended, I didn’t know what to do. I left DC when I really didn’t want to, I just didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t take time to make friends outside of my relationship, so I went home to Houston and eventually moved to Portland.

But I never forgot about DC.

That first week in Alexandria was full of driving past the Pentagon and the monuments, mouths agape. We thought we were the luckiest people in the world until September 11th.

September 11th, 2001 was the real first day of our new lives, because everything was different. There were 18 year olds with automatic machine guns all over National when we tried to fly home. Security was a nightmare, but we made it.

I suppose the life lessons write themselves after something like that, but the thing I remember most is the resilience of the city and the communal support/love in the air.

So don’t give up on me, DC. I’ll see you again. I’ll never let you get away for long.

A Rainy Day

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I always flounder a bit with what to do on a rainy day. I should pack up and go to the aquarium, because the last time I went there were plenty of benches on which to write while looking at the fish. I could go to a coffee shop like Red Emma’s, or to the public library. Anywhere to get out of my house, yet watch the rain.

Rain cleanses me, and I don’t necessarily mind being out in it. I was in the rain for 12-14 years living in Portland…. But I don’t know that I’d do it again. My mental health was not helped by the constantly gray skies, so at the very least, I need to make sure all my meds are stable before I leave. I don’t have the best relationship with the city because I get jumpy while I’m there. However, I will have to get over it because Evan and I have stuff to do.

The cookbook is coming together in terms of ideas, and we’ve got a few more chefs besides Escoffier that we’ll be featuring. But working together online is just one aspect. I would really like to sit down with him in the brainstorming sessions. I’m working on history, Evan is working on measuring for lay people.

I have found that I do not want to write a book. I want to have written. It is slow and painful work, but I know it will be worth it down the road. I want to have something beautifully bound as opposed to these pages, with beautiful pictures of food and hand-drawn illustrations.

I know I have a team of people that will come together to create such a thing, and it won’t be just me and Evan. There will be plenty of research assistants and recipe tasters already at LMG. It’s an exciting time to be thinking about the cookbook coming alive, because we’re shooting for Christmas 2026.

We both have the ability to travel, so it’s just about planning when and where. I’m going to New York on Friday, and home to Houston for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Other than that, my calendar is empty in terms of not being home to host. Evan says that he would rather come out here and take trains all over the place.

Done.

I will also want to take Evan to the aquarium, because if you’ve never been, it’s really worth the trip. I’m sure we’ll also want to go to DC and possibly New York. Evan is friends with Cole Sprouse, so we might be going to see them in something, or at the very least grab coffee together.

I’m looking forward to meeting yet another theater kid weirdo to add to my collection.

This is to go with all my visual art, dance, and music nerds.

My friend Delandria says that she’d like to create LMG with me, but I can’t seem to raise her for a meeting. Now that I’m staying in Baltimore, it will be easier to get each other’s attention. She’s a jazz flautist and has been my friend since ninth grade. I’ll have to go see her live soon- I can’t believe I’ve lived in Baltimore this long without doing so.

Now that I can catch my breath, I’ll have time to do more things like that.

Tiina is saying that she loves to drive- it’s time to get her up here, especially since she can have her own bedroom. Turning and burning from DC to Baltimore is easy, but they live another 50 miles out. It’s just far enough that doing it all in one day is okay, but not great.

I have so much to show off once my apartment is taken care of. I know I’ll love something that’s the same size, but lets light stream through all the windows. I’d like a desk that faces trees and bushes rather than the street. All of these things can be accomplished, it just might take time.

Time that I luckily have now, because I decided not to move. I just don’t have the time and energy to dedicate to it right now, but I will as I know more about my financial situation. My disability case hasn’t started yet, but I know that I am sure to get approved. As I told my counselor, “you can see that in some ways I’m getting better and in some ways I’m sick AF.”

Winding everything down with Aada helped me to see that there was a life around me I’d been ignoring. This is not to say that I didn’t think of her as family, just that my biological ties took a backseat to 20 Feet from Stardom. I see what she means about needing peace. I need time to relax and continue the trend of meeting new people.

I was locked tight, but I’m not anymore.

I want to dance in the rain.

Careers

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 2 Comments

Again, I cannot get WordPress to load the pull quote with today’s writing prompt, but it’s one that I did recently, anyway- the one about which careers I would like to do instead of this one, which I assure you I would not do if I thought I could do anything else. Being a writer is a lonely endeavor, but I seem to get the most done this way. I just don’t know how much of a value-add I am right now. It’s a rebuilding year.

The writing has to go on no matter how I am feeling, no matter whether I want to publish or not. Web sites that don’t change in 24 hours don’t get repeat visitors. So, if I make money from ads based on my thought process, my thought process goes on paper no matter what it is. I have been lucky in that my readers will accept any topic from me; what I have not done is switched to academic papers when I was going through something hard. I haven’t hidden away from my grief, shame, mental illness, any of it. It has led to a number of discussions with myself lately on how much I like being a product.

Maybe I would be happier doing something else, but I don’t think I would get the same type feedback. Now, I feel so much less tortured in my soul than I used to. The depression is lifting and I can handle more than I could a few months ago. Where that will lead me, I do not know. But it will not be turning the same problems over in my head, because I’ve been allowed to move on.

But in all of my moving on, I have not allowed Aada the same grace. She has been reading, taking in all my writing as punishment when I’m the one that feels punished by my own actions and feel terrible about them. The message is coming across to her as inverted, like I have some malevolence in store. I do not know how this is happening, but I want to say for the record that I thought I was excellent at raking myself over the coals, and I’m sorry for the lines in which it seemed like I was dragging someone else with me.

This leads me to a deeper issue within my own writing. If I set out to punish myself, then why was Aada so hurt? How could I have written the narrative better so that she knows she’s off the hook?

My silly ruminations weren’t for her, but she read them, anyway. I have no idea how I feel about that, because I’m too used to it to feel embarrassed.

Well, I am embarrassed by the emotions that came up in Aada as she read, because my hurt and my pain were the point of the entries. I did not write them in a way that did not affect her, and I’ll be struggling with that for a long time, because it’s not really a question involving Aada but all the people in my life as I muddle through having a blog at all.

How do I write my frustrations out without hurting the other people in my life? The short answer is that I can’t. To be so frank with my opinions is to create a ripple effect.

Sometimes, the ripple effect is good. People read things here that enlighten them to the path I’m on and it makes them have more empathy for me in person; they feel like they know me better. I have given them context as to who I am, and they like reading me because of it. But then when I write about a conflict between us, the conflict only deepens because I have written about it.

That’s the part that always trips me up. The blowback. My stomach hurts. My head hurts. My brain races. My heart races. My adrenaline fights not to go up and I swallow bile.

I’m a sensitive person, and I am not saying that I don’t deserve these differences of opinion. Mine is not the only story that’s true.

I’m just saying that when I have hurt someone, this is what happens. I start to overheat and melt down.

Like when Aada said that it was my goal in life to take her down, embarrass her.

No, my goal in life is to make memories with the woman I love.

Some of them, because I love her, are difficult.

Some of them, because I love her, are easy.

That’s why none of the positive things I write are clues in a game (although I do like Clue, I’ve only played it once or twice). They are just as genuine as everything else. I wish I could endorse my writing somehow…. If only there were a way to check if I’m really who I say I am, like going for coffee……..

Going for coffee is my favorite way to talk with someone whose read my writing and needs to vent. The conversation cannot get too heated on either end, and I’m not ashamed to cry into my latte. Sometimes these conversations are living the entry twice, because I cried when I wrote it. But the easy nature of friends helps the conversation to get back on track quickly. It’s not the same as writing in this space to figure out a conflict. We have solved it in real time.

Though I think it will take a long time for Aada to heal, I do not think this is the end of our movie. She thought I was rejecting her when I wasn’t, and it took the wind out of her sails. This last round was peaceful, and I told her I loved her. It was a benediction of sorts, allowing her to go in peace.

I have taken that peace for myself, and it reminds me to slow down in my writing. To notice smaller things, like the sunrise this morning. The taste of my coffee. The water in my shower. To feel differences in temperature, like the sharp cold of the morning air embracing me after a night covered in blankets.

My entries are progressing into a new era that doesn’t feel like profound loss. I have been given a chance to start over, and I am taking it.

I want to surround myself with people I can be safe, stable, and genuine in creating deep friendships, a support network built on trust. I’m really starting to think about who is going to finish my life with me, because I’d rather know a few people for a very long time, and a disorder that needs to be managed in order to make it happen.

I am the most safe and stable in Baltimore, ironically. It’s a dangerous city, but it’s got the best health care package for me. I can move anywhere in the state of Maryland, the trick being that all my doctors here are already set up. I’m not sure that I want to go through the hassle of setting them up again so soon after I’ve become their patient. But moving back to DC does weigh on me, and I think about it every time I have to renew a lease. I just don’t think I can make it happen this time around. I’m running out of time.

I would like for my apartment complex to make it right by giving me a new apartment on the grounds. We’ll see. I’m also surfing Craig’s List like a madman.

I am overwhelmed because moving takes more energy than I have. I need help, and I know that my dad and sister will be available as we get closer to my move-out date. I am learning that we will do anything for each other, and that makes me feel invincible as I work through what needs to happen between now and November 10th, the absolute date at which I will be homeless if I do not find something.

It is comforting knowing that the things I love most will fit in my car, and that lets me escape to anywhere, or dream of it, anyway.

I dream of a lot of things, which is why writing suits me. Today I’m dreaming of a better world for myself, one that doesn’t flood when it rains. I would like my home to be warm, welcoming, and inviting. I would like for light to stream in. I have a laundry list of features that I want in a new place, including laundry. My neurodivergence is eating my lunch.

I need to be more strict with myself. I need to time writing sessions rather than letting them be open-ended because I have too much to do at home to make WordPress my entire focus. But at the same time, I know I will not be able to post and move at the same time, so it’s banking entries so that people have more to read while I’m off the grid.

But it’s not a carefully calculated baring of my soul, it’s just brain droppings. I go all over the place, or try to, and that’s the point of the journey.

I make a career reflecting on my interactions with the world, and it responds by reacting to me. It all seems fair, it’s just difficult.

But I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Peace

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What do you love about where you live?
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Peace radiates in Baltimore because the city has a rhythm. You either fit into it or you don’t. There’s not the tourist energy pervasive around DC, so it’s unlikely you’ll be stopped on the train. No one is looking at you, yet everything is beautiful when you take it all in. I think it takes a special person to pick up on what constitutes beautiful here, though.

Peace often comes from finding the pretty things among trash. The commute from my house to my cognitive behavioral health group takes me through some of the worst neighborhoods in the city. I still find street art appealing even if the driver says it is not a good idea to ask anyone about it.

One of my favorite moments was when we saw who we thought was an escort because of the way she was dressed. One of the women said, “girl, it’s not that hot.” We decided it was never that hot and it has provided me endless amounts of entertainment. The way she said it was so musical that it repeated.

The way people say things here is endearing, because there’s no Washington front. No one talks like they work in government, at least not around me. Therefore, words flow differently when they’re not peppered with acronyms.

I love listening here.

Me, Mostly

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What bothers you and why?
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It’s hard to point fingers at anyone else for bothering me when I am such a handful. I didn’t even know whether to put an emoticon after that, because I don’t know that I’m joking. From my writing to my behavior, there’s nothing I cannot criticize, but I’m trying to be kinder to myself. If one’s behavior affects treatment of others, then it is up to me to be happier on the inside.

The first thing I did to make myself happier was to buy a membership to the National Aquarium. I was invited to go on Sunday, and the price of a membership was cheaper than buying two tickets individually. I thought that was a much better deal as I am obsessed with aquarium fish and don’t want to have an aquarium at my house. Plus, I’ve never been there before and I hear it is world class. Many of you don’t know this about me, but I watch videos on aquascaping all the time and look forward to being able to set up my own tank once I have a living situation conducive to it. I have had freshwater tanks in the past, but I’ve never actually landscaped one with live plants. I think that I would be less bothered once I was paying attention to my minuscule pets. I’d like to have shrimp, catfish, snails, and a betta. A cleanup crew and a betta fish wouldn’t take up that much room, probably 10 gallons, and that way the tank wouldn’t be a monster job to clean.

The reason my living space couldn’t handle an aquarium is that the water pressure is so low here it would take hours to fill a 10 gallon tank. It bothers me with every sink and the bathtub. I could write an entire entry on why this apartment complex sucks and why you shouldn’t live here, but I don’t want to give any indication as to where I live. Baltimore is close enough.

I am thinking now of moving back to the DMV in December, because my lease ends on November 30th. I love Baltimore itself, but the public transportation isn’t as good as I thought it would be. I need to be back on the Metro. My current group, Cognitive Behavioral Health, has another office in Rockville. I would like to stay with my people, and one of my counselors would be the same. It all depends on what kind of deal I can find with my living situation, because like I said, Baltimore is not the problem when I can get around. Uber is too expensive to take all the time, but it does provide an excellent stopgap when a trip on the Metro/bus is going to take two hours.

I do know that I need to stay in Maryland because I am getting so many benefits from Medicaid expansion. We will have to see how the “big, ugly bill” affects me in the future, but so far I have had no interruptions in service. So while I love Virginia, I am solidly staying on this side of the Potomac.

It bothers me that I have to think about all of this. I don’t want to be disabled, but here we are.

It bothers me that I have always been disabled, but these problems are just now being addressed. Better late than never, but I could have been helped with government services in Portland when I spent so many years without health insurance. I have been eligible for services since I was 18 years old, but I didn’t know why until my mother died. I found solid proof that I have had cerebral palsy since I was a baby, after she spent years trying to convince me that I was fine. My dad was overreacting. But interestingly enough, cerebral palsy is not why my care team wants me to file for disability. My bipolar disorder got the best of me, and that bothers me, too.

Most of the reason it bothers me is that I have a hum in my brain that will not go away. I think it was caused by stopping Lexapro suddenly, because even though I’m back on it now, the sound has not gone away. It is similar to the Emergency Broadcast System that used to play on TV during flood warnings (ahem), a minor second that drones 24/7 and demands my attention above all else. It’s hard for me to pay attention at the best of times because I have the ADHD/Autism combo meal. This is just shitty icing on a burnt cake.

I suppose the one thing that doesn’t bother me anymore is having to prove that something is wrong with me. I am settling into the life of a disabled person, learning to contribute to society through being a voice for other disabled people right here on this web site. My voice counts because as people read about me, they identify with my struggles. Or, if they cannot identify, they at least learn to have empathy.

It bothers me that most disabled people are written off as living off the government, when most of us would do absolutely anything to return to normal life. My life is anything but normal. I spend most of my time by myself. It’s isolating and lonely not to have a place to go each day, which is why I’m so grateful to have a group of other disabled people to meet with twice a week (once on Zoom, once in person).

However, at least with an aquarium membership, I have a place to go whenever I want that will feed me. I remind myself of the character Sam from “Atypical.” He goes to the aquarium to feed his love of penguins. Perhaps I will also find an animal that will be my special interest. I do love puffer fish……….

It helps to be bothered less by my living situation now that I’ve figured out a plan- Rockville is on the Red Line, with easy access to the National Zoo. It’s the place I love to write the most when it’s not hot, so until I move I want to try and find a place to write at the aquarium. All I require is a bench, because I carry a tablet and a keyboard in my backpack at all times. After I move, it will be back to finding a “replacement Kevin.”

Some of you may remember that Kevin is a giraffe. I used to sit next to him and write blog entries, having no idea what the giraffe’s actual name might be. I just named him Kevin for my own amusement. Then, one day I went to find Kevin and found out the Zoo had closed the entire giraffe exhibit. Kevin had moved.

Kevin is probably the reason I felt the most comfortable moving to Baltimore in the first place. I needed out of the DC area just to catch my breath, and it felt like he was the last tie to that area. But now I would say that my breath has been caught, and I miss DC more than I thought I would. Now that I have settled on a place, I feel at peace. My time in Baltimore will be much easier to survive knowing it won’t last forever.

It might even make my apartment less bothersome, but I doubt it. I’ve been without a dishwasher for what seems like a lifetime because the water pressure is so low it makes washing dishes incredibly taxing. I have submitted requests for everything that is wrong with my apartment and no one has come by. The last straw for me was finding a mouse eating my bread and hot dog buns.

I am paying too much for this apartment to have problems like this, especially those that go unaddressed. I am bothered that I cannot seem to be “the heavy” and get the repairmen out here on my own. I just hate letting people in that I don’t know, so I work around the problems on my own. I know I need help, but I have trouble helping myself. My dad and my sister advocate for me as much as they can, but it’s hard when they live so far away.

However, my sister is a lobbyist, so that’s another reason why Rockville is a better choice for me than Baltimore. When she’s in her DC office, I’d like to be closer than I am now. We have too much fun together to make her come all this way. However, I know that I have introduced her to a place she loves as well. Again, Baltimore is not really the problem. The Inner Harbor is gorgeous, as is Fell’s Point. It’s getting around Baltimore that’s the hard part. When she comes to visit, she rents a car and all of my problems disappear. I don’t drive, so it’s nice that she’s willing to drive me around.

The most fun I’ve had in Baltimore is when she’s come to visit, because she looks up restaurants and decides where we’re going to go in advance. It becomes a “staycation” for me because it’s always a place I haven’t heard of yet. Of the two of us, she’s the social butterfly. I wish I was more like her, because she’s so headstrong that I feel taken care of in her presence. I wish I could extend that feeling to others.

It bothers me that I’m her older sister and I’m not able to provide that feeling of safety to her. I am sure I had my moments when we were young and this is just payback, but still. I wish that I was large and in charge, but I have a struggling relationship with taking care of myself, much less others.

Which brings us back around… it’s hard to point fingers at anything that bothers me more than my treatment of myself, so it’s time to get happier.

It starts with looking at fish.

A Whole Lot of Probably

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I don’t know what to do except get my room ready to have pictures taken for Zillow. I overheard a conversation that my landlords are selling the house. They didn’t deny it, just said they were getting it appraised. Therefore, I know that pictures are going to be taken, just not how all this will turn out. I’m not going to sit here and wait until the very last moment. I also know that they think there will be a lot of interest in the house, so they say they’re waffling, but I’m not so sure that’s true. I’m looking around for a place, and it doesn’t matter where as long as I’m close to a train station. I might stay in Maryland, or I might move out to Virginia. It really depends on my tax and health care status.

The thing about moving to Virginia is that there’s too much space. It takes longer to get everywhere. However, there are some pluses. One of them would be being closer to Zac. We wouldn’t get to see each other any more often than we do now, I don’t think, but it would be nice if I could cut that commute down…….. but then I think, “you write on the train.” So, there goes my need to look for a house in Virginia except for some very specific laws I don’t like in Maryland. But, they’re not so important to me that it’s worth gaining a shittier health care system. I have work to do in terms of where I go next, but I do think it’s time for a change. And yet I don’t. I’m miserable thinking of leaving after just starting my 10th year here.

I’d like to move into another group house, because I like having a front and back yard, plus a big kitchen, all that. I don’t want to go back to a white box alone every night. It doesn’t have to be the right fit at first. I will find the right fit. I just lucked out when I called these landlords first. It’s not coming at exactly an opportune time for me because it never would. This is a huge deal, a huge life transition.

I called Hayat from Houston pretty much the day after Dana hit me. It sped up my timeline quite a bit, honestly. I figured I could live anywhere for a month, so just stick it out and get the lay of the land. I joke now that if Hayat hadn’t picked me up from the Metro nine years ago, I’d still be there.

But now Hayat is thinking about retiring, and everything looks different. As it’s supposed to do….. nothing is certain except moving on.

What I do know is that I will not be taking off for another city unless it’s within the DMV. I even thought about Baltimore for a hot second, because I love it there. However, I know it’s so much easier to see my sister without having to get the MARC train involved. It would also be nice to stay near downtown Silver Spring, because I love the way it’s so walkable. I feel the same way about Alexandria, though, so maybe I’ll check over in my old neighborhood and see what’s available. My old neighborhood is only one Metro stop up from Zac’s, and the buses in Alexandria are just as good as the ones in Silver Spring.

I get weird vibes about my old neighborhood, though, so we’ll see. It just depends. As of right now, everything is coming together in terms of Lindsay, Matt, Bryn, and Dave all being here at the time I’m supposed to move and I have like three boxes of stuff (kidding, but not by much).

The only reason I don’t have much is that I switched to a Kindle.

I know that when one door closes, another opens. I just want to start looking for the right handle.