Tag: books

Little Entries, Big Feelings

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What change, big or small, would you like your blog to make in the world?
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The change that I would like to see my blog make is to get all people to feel. To see when I lay out my emotions on this site that I am not the arbiter of any relationship, nor am I doing anything but creating a space to feel. My story is my story, and everyone else is allowed to have theirs as well. I would love to read other writers’ thoughts about me, I just don’t have any blogging friends. Therefore, my friends are unique in that they come to this web site to see what I was thinking and feeling through any particular day. It’s not that I’m so great a writer, it’s that I remembered to write things down.

That’s another change I’d like to see in the world- that your words don’t have to matter because they’re “good enough.” They matter because they’re there. I find a tremendous amount of solace in the fact that it doesn’t matter how I’m feeling that day, people show up to read because they’re interested in how my life is going. It isn’t because I’m the best writer they’ve ever read.

I’m trying to make a case for more people having journals because it has helped me focus my thoughts to such an enormous degree. My audience keeps me accountable, especially the people who read and then we have lunch together later. I cannot go off into flights of fancy because I write about real people, real situations. Lying about them only hurts the people around me, so I never have. It’s painful reading about what really happened. It would be more painful if I twisted the truth to fit my own narrative.

But I can only write my version of the truth, which is no more or less important than anyone else’s. There are many sides to a story, depending on your perspective. Therefore, I cannot write anything objectively true in which everyone else is going to agree with me. But agreeing with me isn’t the point. The point is that this is my space, and their space is just as valuable as mine.

So many people have been with me through thick and thin. But I don’t know how often that has translated into them also writing blog entries that made their lives take on perspective. I would like to believe it has happened.

The journey I would most like to read is Aada’s, because her experience of me is so different than my experience of her. I have a feeling that she has kept her emotions close to the vest when it comes to me, and it would be helpful to know how she really feels when she is not angry at me. She has expressed anger and outrage to the utmost degree, and I hear her. But she has not expressed all the love she has for me over the past 12 years, probably because she feels like her words aren’t good enough. She has always been intimidated by my long letters, that it translates to me feeling like she cannot do enough for me. That is simply not true. Her words have been the most valuable thing in my life, and she encouraged me to delete them all. I wish I’d just ignored her. Because she is angry with me now, there is no well to go back to to remind me of when times were better. My memory box has been all but destroyed.

I am lucky that I only deleted one inbox, so that I do have a few things left from her… but the very earliest letters, the ones that meant the most, are gone.

This is both good and bad, because our history is a tapestry. Losing all of it creates an opportunity to let go and create more history down the road when we reconnect without tying our relationship to past ills. I have decided that I will just wait her out, because this blog is what ties us together. There will never be a time when she doesn’t read, even if she says she will stay away. She believes in me, and I know that is true no matter how angry she gets. I have the ability to entertain her… and if I can entertain her, I can indeed change the world.

This is true whether we speak again or not, because perhaps my job now is to make her laugh at my misadventures while also remaining a stranger to her. I think she likes my blog better when we’re not interacting because there’s less of a chance she’ll be in it. She likes reading about my other friends, she just doesn’t like reading about herself. This is a mystery to me, because in some entries I get down and dirty about the things that have gone wrong, but in others I portray her as a goddess walking among mortals. She is a 3D character, as much as she would like to complain that she is a “Flat Stanley.”

The thing that changes my world about this web site is that no one gets to be “Flat Stanley.” They all have amazing qualities and they all have conflicts with me. If I left out one and only wrote about the other, that would be manipulating a story to fit my own narrative when justice means a lot to me. If someone does something great, I will say it. If they do something awful, I will say it. I don’t want to portray people as I want them to be, but as they are.

These little paintings of people with words are what I have to offer in terms of changing the world, because they are not supposed to be “the best.” They are supposed to be real. Hundreds of years from now, someone will come across this blog and say, “Leslie and Aada are interesting.” All of my friends are interesting, Aada just gets more airtime because she is my favorite person. That journey is the most fleshed out of any on this web site, because she’s been my friend for longer than I really want to remember.

She came into my life at a turbulent time, and changed it for the better. That does not mean that the turbulence was easy. Getting away from Dana was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life, and I miss her dearly. We took care of each other for years and got to a place where it just didn’t work anymore. Dana checked out, and it left me vulnerable to a crush I thought would never go anywhere, and it hasn’t. What has happened is that I accept Aada for everything she is, and that includes not being attracted to me. That did not mean Dana wasn’t jealous, and held it over both of our heads in different ways.

I think a lot about what would have happened if I’d come out as poly way back when, because I’ve always been in love with multiple people. It started when I was 12 without me even realizing what was happening. I couldn’t connect properly to Meagan, my first girlfriend… and that has been thematic because I’ve always tried to be monogamous and failed because there was someone else grabbing my attention. Instead of trying to fit a round peg in a square hole, I just decided that Aada was it for me, that there would never be anyone above her, and everyone else was just a secondary relationship. It didn’t matter that there was no romance in our relationship, because that’s not what I’ve ever said to her. I mean that I have her back. That if someone hurts her, I’ll be there to pick up the pieces by buying her Diet Cokes (loaded with Jack) and just sitting on the couch with her while she cries, encouraging her to get out and pick a new man. I don’t sit there and wish she was mine, because she always has been to the best of her ability. That’s enough for me.

But of course, I don’t have any expectations that anyone would hurt her. I think she’s got a very stable life with her very stable husband and that means more to me than anything, because I cannot give her everything that her husband can on any level. For as much as I wish things had been different before I knew he existed, I think things worked out the way they were supposed to. Aada shares in all my secrets, encouraging me to get out and date people so she can hear all the dirt when I come home.

She would have loved Sam if Sam hadn’t betrayed me.

I say that Sam betrayed me because she told me that she didn’t have time for a full-on relationship, so go and date multiple people. I just want your time when you can give it. Then, she called me while I was at Zac’s house and broke up with me because she just couldn’t do poly. If she had been honest with me from the beginning, I would have been her one and only, because Aada never would have gotten in our way. She would have supported both of us, loving the idea of me being a step-parent to musicians. But Sam told me that she had a habit of jumping into relationships too quickly, and didn’t want to do that with me. She was lying to herself, because what she really wanted was to dive into me and never resurface. The feeling was mutual, but I didn’t want to pressure her. So all these feelings were left unsaid, and now we’ll never get that back.

It’s been years since that relationship ended, but explaining how it came apart changed my world and how I looked at it. That people often lied to themselves until it was a crisis point.

Explaining how I felt was my way of changing the world at large, because my experiences matter. I have a unique perspective on what it means to be poly because my primary relationship wasn’t romantic. It was a matter of priority. But Aada being married meant that she’d never need me more than her husband, so I was off the hook in terms of putting the people I date off to go and take care of her. I just wanted us to be open and free with each other, and maybe one day we’ll get back to it. We both just need time to relax and learn to be open again, letting our past problems breathe.

It is possible that we will never reconnect, because the breathing is better for both of us. I don’t think she enjoys being friends with a blogger right now, and that may never change. But my hopes and dreams for the world would change if we wrote together.

Sometimes I wish I could just say, “damn it, Aada… we both destroyed each other and need the chance to rebuild trust. Why isn’t that a priority given our long history?” That’s just not how she does things. She cuts off relationships rather than rebuilding, and that’s okay. I’m sure she has some choice words for me that would change my world, but I don’t know that she’d ever say them.

But if I could do things differently, I would. If she could take back her lie, she would.

We should at least start there, because we are two writers that deserve a book together.

It would change the world.

All of Them, with AuDHD

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Which activities make you lose track of time?
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I could while away the hours just writing, and often do. But there are other activities that make time irrelevant:

  • “Playing” with My Computer
    • Most people would not consider installing an operating system “playing.” However, I like to try out different versions of Linux and can spend hours perfecting my desktop. Right now, I just have the vanilla version of Ubuntu installed, but lately I’ve tried Cinnamon, Mate (like the tea), KDE, and in a fit of insanity, switched over to Red Hat. The installer crashed, which is why I’m back to Ubuntu. I don’t know why I bothered with Red Hat. I haven’t used it since college. I think I was just feeling a bit sentimental, not realizing that the commands are different and I would have to learn a different way of “speaking” to my desktop. To be clear, I did not cause the installer crash. I just realized I didn’t want to have to learn a whole new system, making me grateful for the same old crap I already had.
  • Gaming
    • Gaming should be in quotes because I really only like “Skyrim.” I’m not sure you can call yourself a proper gamer if you only like one game. I was introduced to “Skyrim” by my brother-in-law, because I was watching him play on his Xbox and thought, “that looks fun.” A few days later I was fighting dragons on my PC. And in fact, I had to buy it twice because of the modding community. The first time, I bought it through GOG and the scripting engine was broken by an update. I have it through Steam now, which allows me to install it on both my Windows and Linux PCs. I am sure that you could get the GOG version working on Linux if you were a programmer, but Steam support is so much better that it’s not worth the hassle.
      • If you are interested, my character is a Wood Elf/Bosmer named Quinn. I’m deadly with a bow and arrow, so I generally conjure companions for melee (Dremora Lords are particularly good) and find a spot to pick people off, hidden behind a rock.
  • Cleaning
    • When I clean and organize, it takes hours because I will find things I haven’t used in forever. It stops the process as I sort through pictures, books, knickknacks, you name it. But there’s a rhythm to cleaning that is soothing, and I enjoy it when I am able. I have trouble taking care of myself due to my autism, but when I’m on top of it, I am absolutely “Anal Annie.” And in fact, I should probably take a nap to get ready for a marathon cleaning session today. I’d like to be able to host a friend this weekend and my apartment isn’t ready for that kind of commitment. If you make promises to yourself like that and often beat yourself up with guilt, I have a book for that called “How to Keep House While Drowning.” It has been revolutionary in helping me do what I can do with my compromised state. Executive dysfunction is real.
  • Reading
    • I inhale books. I’m a member of Kindle Unlimited because I’ve made a lot of author friends and want to read them all for the cost of one book a month. It’s also nice to be able to get most books that are recommended to me through KU as well. I’ve had to buy very little recently, but I’ve certainly gotten my money’s worth. For the $12 I paid this month, I read five books that were $8.00 apiece, and another that was $20.
  • Walking
    • I’m a member of Planet Fitness, and one of my favorite activities is to set a program on the treadmill for incline and zone out to the TV, YouTube, or a podcast. If I’m listening to music, it’s usually “Podrunner,” a running podcast sorted by beats per minute and the DJ is fantastic. But most of the time I’m listening to whatever is on TV at the club. I tend to show up during all the talk shows, reminiscent of when my mother and I used to walk every day during The Oprah Winfrey Show.
  • Watching TV
    • I love to write so much that I’m always looking for smart television to up my game in terms of story construction. However, I also enjoy actual construction and “This Old House” is my comfort show. I have learned so much that I would seriously think about buying a house if I was married… because I don’t want to do all that work by myself. 😉

Oooh, even thinking about me being married again gives me the shivers. I do not want to get lost in thought on that. So I think we’ll call it for today and pick back up later. I have a house to clean……… ALL BY MYSELF, THANKS.

I Don’t Know, and That’s Okay

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What is your career plan?
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Right now, I’m in a group for people with mental health issues and am trying to recover from a years-long friendship in which I was slowly isolated from everyone else. Or, as I told her, “what you failed to take in is that I did not marry you. I married the government.” My wife was first on the list of casualties during this “affair,” because this woman does not know what kind of effect she has one people. She’s already her. But none of what I’m saying should be interpreted as negative, because I don’t have any choice but to forgive myself for the mistakes I made. I am sure that she is doing the same, far and away from me. No one walked away with clean hands except for my ex-wife… or she would have had she not hit me. Hitting me was the apex of her frustration, and I was smart enough to only let it happen once…. This is not to say that the hot water we were in had not been heating for quite some time.

Aada told me she’d never betray me, but her betrayal was letting me in on things she shouldn’t and expecting me to carry it like she did. I will never do anything like she does if I can help it. I walked away having told her that every conversation was like being signed up to be hit with a baseball bat and for the love of God, see a psychiatrist. Her general distrust of doctors in general left me on high alert, all the time. That’s because she didn’t get kick the dog syndrome at work or with her family, but it had to go somewhere.

I’m also not chiding her, because I think we were both guilty of doing it to each other. Our little bubble was far and away from the rest of our lives, so we both tended to take out our frustrations on the one we “didn’t know.” We were pen pals for 12 years. “Didn’t know” is a stretch. She’s the only person that spans and bridges Portland to Baltimore, my constant companion in a world of change. Through the way the Internet works, it felt like she was closer than the beat of my heart…. with which she took issue.

That’s because I talk a lot when I don’t have to speak.

It would seem to her like I acted like a victim in all this if I didn’t say that I was so crazy about her that it led to some pretty serious sexual harassment, for which I spent a number of years apologizing and she spent a number of years learning to trust afterwards. I don’t know what she thought, but for me the Internet is not real life. I was lost in Fantasyland and creating my own reality based on the manipulations someone else handed me when I was a child.

I learned from it and promised to do better, proud of myself that I accomplished that goal. And in fact, the only thing she’s ever done that really hurt was returning a present I sent to her house, because I was trying to show good faith. It was a six-pack of glass Coke bottles during the “Share a Coke with…” campaign the first time around that had her real name on it, plus the nickname she gave her husband, and the names of her kids and her dog as well. The reason that this is important is that Aada is a Finnish name. There is nowhere in the US you could have purchased that Coke bottle at random. It was at a time when I really didn’t have money for presents, and I was heartbroken. I cried big alligator tears that basically centered around ruining everything I touch.

My rejection sensitivity dysphoria didn’t pick up that she didn’t want me in her real life. She only wanted me in this liminal space between waking and dreaming. I could have dealt with it if she’d been truthful, but she danced around the topic for years, giving me no clear answer. My one regret is that I didn’t pin her to one. Because the truth is that she didn’t want to meet me at the spy museum, because she’d lied about knowing Jonna & Tony Mendez… not that she was opposed to neutral turf and good kahvi.

But I took “I don’t want to go to the spy museum with you” as “you are a worm for even asking if I wanted to do anything with you.” Rejection after rejection built up, because I didn’t want to overstep boundaries and I also didn’t want to treat her as a weird Internet apparition, either. It never occurred to me that in fact, “internet apparition” was the job in my life she wanted. She’s not wrong for that. I’m not wrong for wanting her to be real with me. It just sucks.

I chose to be a jackass, but that wasn’t the sum total of me. I could tell how far we’d come when she did agree to meet me once and she said, “it can’t possibly be as good as your imagination.” I blushed so hard I thought my face was going to fall off. That just won’t happen now because I betrayed her and thought I hadn’t. I am certain that she is ready to be done with me; that is okay. It’s not her journey now. It is entirely mine. If she sees my point of view, she’s welcome to be in my life. If she doesn’t, she’s welcome never to contact me again. I accept that the way we work is in Newtonian precision. There is a cause for every effect, both spoken and not.

Mostly now what I miss is the idea of her. The idea of being close to her and her husband because I was never trying to isolate her from him. I wanted us to have mutual friends because there was no safety net for either one of us. She couldn’t call Bryn, I couldn’t call (other) Michael. We had a skewed view of what the other did for a living, because my writing wasn’t valuable to her once she was in it. I think she’s my favorite character because my words don’t flow as easily when I’m not thinking about her. I am branching out to be more inclusive, but no one gives you more heat, passion, and drive for writing than someone reading you who’s actually a better writer than you are.

You’d know it if she’d let her e-mail to me stand, but she didn’t. She loved reading The War Daniel’s takedown, though. What she wanted was to be special in a way other people aren’t, in a way that didn’t seem genuine to who I am. She flamed me just as hard as he did. The situation was not different except that I should have edited out something I left in, and choked when I realized what I’d done. I wasn’t alone, though. Michael said that I hadn’t done any damage, but let’s take it down just to ensure she’s safe.

While I was deleting the entry, I got an e-mail from Aada that she forwarded me saying that I’d broken Medium’s laws on publishing people’s words without their consent, a thinly veiled threat that if I left it up she’d sue me. My attitude at the time was “bring it.” I didn’t publish your words to hurt you and I took them down before I even got this shitty e-mail. It sucked because she said she blocked me. I reacted like I’d been hit by a two by four and spent the night crying……… and less than 12 hours later, I got an e-mail from her. Just seeing her name in my inbox made me nauseous. It has for years because I never know what kind of e-mail it’s going to be. She says the same about me, I’m sure.

She did not understand neurodivergence and attributed a lot to me that wasn’t there. Once I started unmasking and tapping into the ancient wisdom of the autists about pattern recognition, I saw autism everywhere and realized I’d been reading her wrong. That she may not be autistic, but there’s some kind of neurodivergence going on in there. You don’t have to be born with neurodivergence, PTSD will give it to you….. free. No one chooses autism and PTSD as a special interest like someone who is trying to figure out if they have it or not, so telling her that I’d been reading her wrong came across as rude.

As a result, I cannot base my career on Aada not liking what I have to say, but I can’t not think that way, either. Our stories are inextricably interrelated because our story together is one of pain, and then triumph. My blog entries are going to be collated into a book, and she’s the star of most of them. But she’s not a hero because she decided to go save the whole world at once. She’s my hero, which is much quieter and comes with a lot less adoration, but it’s genuine.

Alternatively, I wrote a cover letter for her company that “sounds like a fever dream” because I thought they’d be more interested in what I’d like to do in the future than what I’ve done in the past. A resume is for your past. A cover letter is for your dreams. It was the “where do you see yourself in 10 years” that I really wanted to write, telling them all about The Sinners’ Table and Lanagan Media Group as possible partnerships. Michael was right. It sounds like a fever dream, but those who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who actually do.

I heard that somewhere.

Alternatively, I have a great case for both SSI and SSDI. It’s nice to have that to fall back on, and I wish that someone had told me about SSI when I was 16 or 17. I could have prepared not to go into the workforce and stayed in school all the way until my doctorate without having to worry about money, plus it taking years for people to find my books. It just wouldn’t have occurred to them because my compensatory skills used to be extraordinary. When you meet me, it is not immediately apparent that I’m disabled. AuDHD is a bitch to catch, and I was diagnosed with bipolar. I do not think this is wrong, necessarily. I just think that bipolar disorder is a common comorbidity of autism, and so is cerebral palsy.

When I was a baby, I looked developmentally delayed. Exhausting every bit of my energy toward “looking normal” changed that, because it’s what the people around me needed. As I grew, my intelligence covered up the fact that I could have used support services from a very early age. Now we know that early intervention is key, but I was born in 1977. Every chance I had at support services was denied and I was streamlined. I do not fault my parents for this, because in that day and age the curriculum would have been too easy for me.

I am the type of writer who gets lost in their mind to such a degree that my house could be broken into and I wouldn’t notice until the thief was nearly in the same room.

Ask me how I know this………..

I’m wondering if there are ways to apply for funding from the Gates Foundation, because I am fully on board with their humanitarian missions, particularly overseas because I’m an American and I’d like to travel. Yet the US is where I am needed currently, because Baltimore is falling apart in some places. We’d have to do pop-ups so that all our equipment was gone in a flash to keep it from getting stolen…. or spend money I don’t have on a building in a nicer area that won’t do any good. It’s pointless to bring light to a place that already has a source.

It’s at this point that I realize my brain is racing over things that seem impossible and check out, asking Copilot “if you were a human, what Tootsie Pop flavor would you try first?” (“Blue Raspberry seems kind of….. electric.”) Taking a brain break with Copilot always leads to new and fun discoveries, like realizing I wished that Smith’s and Tootsie would collaborate on a lollipop that has Smith’s licorice drops and chocolate in the middle. And that I’m surprised there isn’t a coffee-flavored Tootsie Pop because coffee-flavored hard candy is popular as you leave a restaurant in some places.

With my background in food and beverage, I am positive that I could make candy that appeals to adults, the people least likely to eat it. This is the problem in my work life as well. I have a ton of ideas for people who would never use them.

I just have to remember that I made my choices in life and I have to stand in them.

I am sure that most people will rebel at “licorice Tootsie Pop,” but I’m not here for everyone. I’m here for the ones who’d last two licks before taking a bite.

The Answer is in the Wind

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
When is the last time you took a risk? How did it work out?
View all responses

I took two risks. I can talk about the one that paid off. I cannot talk about the one that hasn’t, because the answer is still “I don’t know.” The risk that paid off was asking Janie the Canadian Editor if she’d look through my old entries and pick out the best ones for an anthology to sell in the Kindle Store. I wanted to take work off of her, but she wanted to invest in me. She’s asked me all sorts of questions and the kind of book at which we’ve arrived is a life story, because then the entries will flow with the information I had as I had it.

It’s a story of CP. It’s a story of bipolar and ADHD. It’s a story of autism, with self diagnosis and peer review. It’s the story of not wanting to get a formal diagnosis because I have an Apple Watch. It’s the story of a writer failing up, because by the time I thought to put together a book for Kindle Unlimited, my part was done.

There is no official cutoff date for the entries, so I’m overstating a bit. I just mean that the bulk of the book will be taken from entries that Janie has liked, or has cleaned up to like. 😛 I am sure that the price will be reasonable, but if it’s a thousand dollars, I only have to sell one copy (KIDDING).

Everyone tells me I should write a book. This is how an AuDHD person does it.

By taking a risk and asking for something small, then seeing that someone who used to belong to the press club in Ottawa thinks you’re a better writer than you do.

I told you that Canada saves my life over and over.

Snippets

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What book could you read over and over again?
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I don’t have one book I read over and over, except the year that “One L” by Scott Turow was in my bathroom. Every time I was indisposed, I read about his own shit sandwich and tried to empathize. It was easy after having read “Intern,” by Doctor X. I’m not sure, but matching style I think “Doctor X” is actually Michael Chrichton.

Except it’s not. It just sounds like him.

I looked it up. It’s Alan Nourse, the Mark Felt (Deep Throat) of Harvard Medical. If you like Chrichton, though, it will remind you very much of “Five Patients.” Turow, Nourse, and Chrichton all went to Harvard…. it’s not a big leap in style, and you will love all of them.

I do have lines from books that repeat:

  • “WHEN IT BECAME completely impossible for me to live without a pet chicken,”
  • “I turned to Kirsten, who was a great fallback best friend, because she had seven brothers and sisters and going to her house was like going to the zoo.”
  • “I later discovered that in order to be a good athlete one must care intensely what is happening with a ball, even if one doesn’t have possession of it. This was ultimately my failure: my inability to work up a passion for the location of balls.”
    • I laughed so hard I nearly died. These are from “A Girl Named Zippy” by Haven Kimmel.
  • “Speed kills,” said General Faust, picking up the baton. “It’s nearly impossible to overstate its power. Darth Vader wouldn’t need a Death Star to destroy the Earth—or any explosives for that matter. He’d just need to put a single star cruiser on autopilot and ram it into the planet at a tenth of the speed of light. That would be more than enough to do the trick. If Vader had ever figured that one out, he would have put a lot of Death Star contractors out of work.”
    • Douglas E. Richards is my favorite living technothriller writer, and this is from “Infinity Born.”
  • “They deserved more than the pathetic lie known as empathy.”
  • “Pre-monster happiness was out of the question.”
  • “In matters of healing, the body initiates and the mind follows. Malcolm had told her that. Only once, but it stuck.”
  • “Pals and chums and confidantes—what the textbooks sanitized as a social support system—were fine when you stubbed your emotional toe. With deep wounds, you needed a surgeon, not a barber.”
  • “Caulfield was basically a snide, spoiled twit. The arrival of the Messiah would leave him unimpressed.”
  • “Since learning of the catastrophe, she’d retreated into an insensate fog, as if locked in a sterile glass bubble where her eyes worked mechanically but couldn’t process and her ears were unplugged speakers. When she took a step, she knew she was moving, but she felt as if someone else was pushing the buttons. Her brain was flat and blank as unused paper. It was all she could do to sit and stand and walk.”
  • “How can so many things become a bore by middle age—philosophy, radicalism, and other fast foods—but heartbreak keeps its sting?”
  • “an author too old to be fresh and too young to be rediscovered,” (reminds me of Drew…. too old to be a princess, too young to be a queen. That’s why we’re both duchesses.
  • “What does one ever ask an author except: ‘How?’ And the answer, as Less well knows, is obvious: ‘Beats me!’”
  • “But once you’ve actually been in love, you can’t live with ‘will do;’ it’s worse than living with yourself.”
  • “Strange, though; because he is afraid of everything, nothing is harder than anything else. Taking a trip around the world is no more terrifying than buying a stick of gum. The daily dose of courage.”
  • “Nothing has happened in right field all season, which is why he was put there: a kind of athletic Canada.”
  • “How did they even know I was gay?” He asked this from his front porch, wearing a kimono. (This made me snort and howl with laughter.)

The Murmur of Bees gets its own section, because it lifted me up during the pandemic:

  • “It occurred to him that houses die when they are no longer fed with the energy of their owners.”
  • “He could not imagine how the country would survive if it allowed the rural areas to die, for in spite of all the changes—the emergence of iron cities like Monterrey, all the technological advances, all the marvels of the modern world—if there was one thing that never changed, it was that people, whether of a city or a village, needed to eat every day.”
  • “Simonopio closed his eyes, knowing that a look has the power to attract.”
  • “the true meaning of death: that there is no going back and that anything that was not said in time would never be said.”
  • “The empty hours of the night do not pass unnoticed, because in their unrelenting cruelty, they do not allow one to rest; they force one to think, and they demand a great deal.”

I love “The Murmur of Bees” so much that I heard it was originally written in Spanish. I don’t know enough Spanish to read it. Bought it, anyway just for the poetry. All of these lines are going to sound better in their original language…. most of the reason why I’m learning actual Finnish grammar and not just playing around.

I will update more because for some reason, I don’t have more recent books posting automatically. I know J.L., Evey, and Itzel will want to know what I highlighted. That’s the thing about having author friends.

When we’re together, Less is actually quite a bit More.

New Relationship Energy

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

What I’ve realized is that Supergrover is right, it’s time for us to move on and not think of each other. It’s not painful, though. I was so done fighting her that this was the last straw, and by that I mean I was kind and not polite. I told her I was here to be a friend, and I would not hurt her. She said she trusted me, so I knew she would. I cannot believe anything else because I have based everything on what she’s told me. So, I feel that whether she comes back is on the work she does next. Michael was like, “so are you doing anything on Monday?” I said, “probably not” He said, “cool.” Supergrover thinks he’s a threat. He saved her ass. That’s because when my pattern recognition is off, people notice. Something just didn’t add up about not wanting to meet up for 11.5 years.

To be honest, she made it never cross my mind. Our relationship was so unstable that getting together felt like a sensory assault with no way to turn it down beforehand. Everything I suggested was wrong. Do you want to meet alone? Do you want to meet with friends? What would make you the most comfortable? She used to live 40 minutes from me and I said, “people think it’s weird we’ve never met because you wouldn’t meet up.” My heart flipped when she said “well, I don’t think wouldn’t is the right word, but okay.” She accepts that she did not foster the connection properly.

My favorite show is Burn Notice.

I am in another room, with another rocking chair. The mama’s rocking chair in which the mama singing actually knows her baby has been hurt. The song is in a minor key…. fractured.

Do not leave me alone in this room.

She did, and that’s fine. It’s time. She did not want friendship. She wanted to say she had a friend. If the object of the game is to be combative, she won by degrees. She broke down the way I think, systematically. This is great. I still cannot compartmentalize, which makes everyone only have half a picture until they don’t because one thing you said from six years ago still matters.

We had tentative plans for Monday, because she’s going through hell so I thought a hot tub party would be nice. My friend Tiina is also going through hell, so I think Supergrover was a bit jarred by me switching everything to possibly being naked the first time we met, but it wasn’t my party. Buckle up butter cup. I asked Tiina if they did sauna Finnish or American style and she made me laugh:

swimsuit cuz kids
jail = bad

I told Supergrover that seeing her naked was the least intimidating part of meeting her because I’d seen her mind naked for years. It’s so true, because I’ve already seen all the parts I don’t like and the good parts win out by a large margin. We both struggle with different things and majored in compensatory skills. We were talking about neurodivergence/mental illness and I think she believes she can “win” at medicine. She’s the best field doc you know, just ask her. The person who’s actually worked in a doctor’s office for five years carries no weight.

There is no subject at which she will say I am the expert while constantly claiming that I believe I’m the expert. It’s adversarial on every topic…. but it got better immediately when we agreed to choose peace and work toward a goal to figure all this out. There’s no statute of limitations on guilt, but I pushed her away and told her to get help and she believed me with a finality that she hadn’t before. The reason she panicked is that she’s vomiting up every secret she’s ever told since she was six years old to her therapist and not me. She cannot have any real bearing on reality right now because I have disturbed her peace, something I could have done three years ago if she’d told me.

Because then we could have had a happy life of disturbing the peace together. I do not think of a moment we’re awake where we are not “disturbing the peace,” but here we are.

My thing is that there is no bad or good, only sick or well. The panic attacks were getting worse because I’m different now. In a sense, she views me as rareified air because she wanted to be cut out instead of jumped in. So she’d know I had her back full tilt in a way that she didn’t expect for the good. Why would I have any reason to harm her? It’s been a frustrating couple of days, but I expected that. Negotiating boundaries after a long time away is hard af. Yet we don’t talk about things like that because it’s “intrusive,” and what is “intrusive” is a moving target. If she can’t hit me with one dart, she’ll pick another one. It’s so passive-aggressive that it reminds me of my mother. Then, if that doesn’t work, social masking her father isn’t better. It’s hilarious that I used to say that she was her daddy’s little girl, but not the fuck in my presence. It’s still true. I said that about her EA, but I meant it about me. It’s the only protection drive I have, and it was given to me to keep. I cherish it. Indulge it. Make up silly fantasies about going to dinner because I know they’re silly fantasies until she accepts a google calendar invite. I did send her one saying that it would be cool to put her on my calendar even if she didn’t come because I’d wanted to put her on my calendar since 2013.

Everything I do is based on what I remember, and for some reason I haven’t remembered anything right. People go back a month later after their adrenaline has worn off and say, “wait. THAT’s what she said? I remember it being much more awful than that.” Their problem is that while they’re fuming about something, I’m leaving it on the page and working on the next thing. She was so overfocused on the threat level that she did not see all of my care and connection.

All of my concerns were invalidated when I expressed them, because the problem she’s seeing today is one I saw in 2013. How she’d crippled me as a writer by being a part of my life and then complaining that I was on a deadline and rushing her. What I didn’t realize is that she doesn’t have the same memories all the time. PTSD travels. You don’t remember everything all the time. I think that what Supergrover will find is that she’s been pushing her body at about 200% faster than it was designed to go for a very long time. Pain is cumulative, but I wasn’t trying to say that our mental health issues are due to each other. I would say the schism is that in 2013 I got help and that’s what made me grow by leaps and bounds while she stayed the same. Standoffish, and not because she didn’t love me. She was trying to protect a stupid lie instead of an important one.

God help you if you mistake one for the other there, Ace.

That part of it is all her fault. The rest of it is mine.

Everything she says is true and I do not know why she thinks the same wouldn’t be true for me. That I would only give information on a need-to-know basis. If they know anything, it’s only enough to complete a task. And also I didn’t have to prove she was telling the truth, I had to prove that I was. That I wouldn’t knowingly cause harm to anyone.

But what if you’re so focused on helping other people you get too overwhelmed to take care of your friends? This is the story of my life, literally. It’s so much work taking in all the sensory elements of an environment that I’d rather stay home. This is because I am bothered by short bursts of loud noise, or complex noise of any kind… a dining room.

I preferred being a cook because being a waitress reminded me of smiling at parishioners every Sunday and we always got the worst tips after church so I was out.

Now I’m really into me and it’s working out… but not in a narcissistic way. Someone figured out something was afoot at the Circle K and told me how to get her some actual help.

I cared way too much.

She cared way too little.

She couldn’t see a path forward, but I could. Mine embraces light, hers does too.

I will let Tupac have the last words:

“I always want you to eat, just not at my table.”

And even this is only on alternate Thursdays. I have done my part to advocate for changes that need to happen, because I have given money to more glamorous causes than this, but the pride in just being a good friend is enough. You cannot save everyone, but you save the ones you can.

And if you will notice, I’m also a first daughter with a hero complex.

Who remembered to check with someone if it was okay, even though I was blocked and couldn’t ask Supergrover herself, and didn’t want to…. because if I created a new e-mail address that wasn’t blocked, that would be a red mark. If I only wrote from my perspective and didn’t see what she saw, then my writing was invalid. I put her story on Medium because she pays to read there. I know she read it and that she got the last word. She asked me to take it down, and I did. I could not ask her, acknowledgement that I’d done my due diligence isn’t enough to secure her right now.

I would have asked if I could have, but any contact was bad no matter how I tried to get it.

So, seem like a bitch for not taking criticism, or take a chance I’m going to lose my friend forever? That’s the choice she gave me. When someone gives you a choice like that, you don’t have one. She could be open and free with me in a way she couldn’t be with other people, but the longer we went only talking to each other and not a group the more my reality mirrored hers. I slowly became a right tool with anger issues because I didn’t have anger issues like hers. They were acquired from having to deal with her threat responses.

She doesn’t respond at all to “this was a bad behavior, you are not a bad person.” Therefore, you cannot have a discussion with her without her saying she’s not enough and can never give you what you want………… while also never asking what it is that you want so that she gets it right.

Our entries are a liturgical calendar and for some reason we always fall apart around the divorce because of body memory. Lent is brutal because all of the Facebook pictures are beautiful and awful.

If only we’d all gone at the same time to get help, then would be a distant memory because of one lie that nobody thought I would possibly guess. Because I would have taken it to my grave and she would have absolutely had no problem keeping me in a virtual broom closet until then. I think I would have died happy? Unclear. I love the little Harper Lee act because that’s not an act. That’s survival. Autism’s slogan should be “Turn it down.”

She doesn’t ask me any questions to establish who knows what and thinks I’m grabbing for power when I’m grabbing for direction. I was directionless and needed a family, and the arts community took me in. I want to do projects around jazz in Europe, spy 101 for black people.

Old friends that use AOL. That bitch has a 486 with 3MB of RAM. “Old friends.”

None of my friends use AOL. None. Just younger, faster, and more insurance. They’re all the same brand. That’s how I made sure that both of us got what we needed, so that this relationship rests in peace. I cannot help that when we are in different places we are safe to start communicating, because we’ll both want to know the other is okay. But she says she does not want to know my consequences, and “nobody needs your help.” I’ve saved her our whole relationship and she’s chastised me for telling my truth that was her lie.

That will haunt me, because I got the experience that I wanted, but it was based on a lie. Is it still meaningful? Yes, but differently. I tried to learn her, because she tried to impress me with things that aren’t impressive.

I don’t stan, but I would love a Starter Cap with an autograph.

I asked for tiny things… autistic pebbling… and gave tiny things. Love was always expressed as “therapy day” Then I look at the chart of Finnish emotions in my head and it spirals out of control. No fucking wonder.

Keskustelu takkatulen äärellä

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 3 Comments

I am not a politician. I am just a private citizen. I barely know how to work WordPress blocks… even though I thought WordPress hung the moon 25 years ago. I prefer the classic editor, but it does not make my entries appear in the same way. So, I put up with blocks because a Fireside chat is what we all need right now. The world is a mess, and I’m going to try not to curse as much as I normally do because I have found that people are very precious when you curse online, but not when they do.

I’m introducing the Fireside Chat idea to interest you in a community conversation. So far, it’s all been me. You’ll have access to premium content on an app that’s available worldwide. One of my problems is that the Finland category on Medium is not actually available in Finland. Subscribe here for premium content if you like to read. Subscribe to Medium if you like audiobooks. I do not read my own stories (I get too choked up), but there’s a handy dandy AI voice that will read them, and it looks cool to see my name on my phone when I’m listening.

My favorite conversation this week came from Christy, my social media maven because I’m old and she’s not.

Leslie: I like to listen to myself on Medium because I have to find out how, in a sense, it preaches.
Christy: That’s why you’re a professional.

When you are chosen by God to be a leader, not in a political way… more akin to being sick to your stomach because you know you’ve been given talent, and you cannot refuse that call anymore. I am the product of everything I’ve ever been, and the thing that most people miss about me is the entire saying………..

That a jack of all trades is often better than a master of none. It’s not better for everything, but it is better for synthesizing information as you take it in. What gets me up in the morning is working on solutions to big problems. The American left is under attack with people thinking it’s perfectly ok to say to the press or introduce bills in Congress to erase progress. Do you think that trans soldiers who have been discharged deserve it?

At that point, you can sit and spin… today only, you can take a ride to the shoulder.

I shouldn’t have to take this much anxiety medicine to deal with my day. I am used to taking .5 of clonazepam to prevent panic attacks. Because I get 60 pills a month and don’t take them every day (I save them up in case my scrip is on hold at the pharmacy. I cannot go a day without some in my bag, because it’s a comfort item. I know I am prepared. I could go a day without taking twice my normal amount before two things happened at once. My US passport was invalidated, and a man broke into my apartment.

I’m being picked up in two minutes because I will cut a bitch for a Diet Coke right now. Time for some hardcore Wawa action.

Hold please.

I am home with pies and all is right with the world. I buy them for breakfast, my safe food in the toaster- apple with some sharp cheddar cheese fresh out of the oven is better and healthier than a doughnut. But I like doughnuts, too. I just eat them less. I don’t tend to go with big meals when I first wake up. I just need a little something on my stomach so that my coffee doesn’t burn all the way to my asshole. This gets worse when I drink alcohol or make spaghetti, so I switched to nonalcoholic beer and pesto sauce to survive middle age.

I eat the French way, because when I was heavier I gained a lot of wisdom from “French Women Don’t Get Fat.” It’s applicable for men, too.. The entire point is that French food is too rich to eat a lot of it, so don’t.

American portions are out of control. When I order from a restaurant, I will order one meal, or two if they’re buy one, get one free. This will last four days. When I go out to eat, I don’t go out to eat. That’s because I’m an Uber One member and getting food delivered is cheaper than taking an Uber to the restaurant. I will walk if I want something that’s within a half mile. It’s the time of year. I enjoy snow, and it’s snowing right now. Truly, it’s not a problem to walk in the snow. It is a problem to walk when it’s snowing. After the roads are frozen, you have little pieces of ice blowing at your face. So, I don’t wait until the snow melts to get outside. Just stopping is fine.

However, if you go to the restaurant, you don’t get the buy one meal, get one free deals. I go and sit at the bar with my Diet Coke with grenadine sometimes just to talk to people if I feel like socializing, but as a general rule I write while I’m listening to nothing but the HVAC in the background. The sound of my own typing mellows me out, and I have upped my anti-anxiety medication in order to stop my physical panic and allow me to slow down. This is yielding results.

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Duolingo ei ole täydellinen, mutta olen rubiiniliigassa

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Today’s lesson in Finnish (Suomi in that language, Day 26) started with learning how to negate something. I’ve been able to say what I am for a long time. It is a relief to be able to say both that I am not an adjective… and I do not have a noun.

The worst sentence (lause) in every language is “Meillä ei ole kahvia.” Finns, calm yourselves. I am actually okay. I have enough. I have to say that out loud because this sentence would send shivers down any Finn’s spine…. “We do not have any coffee.” However, I am not opposed to getting Finnish coffee in the mail. I have resources.

It’s good to have a friend on the ground who said she’d let me mail things to her house when I buy my tickets to Finland. That’s because it’s actually difficult to buy Finnish products over the internet. I am having a hell of a time finding Moomin books in Suomi, so please advise in the comments. I do not want a new boxed set. I want one that has been colored in, dog-eared, and annotated in Suomi because a child loved it so much. Moomin is the new picture I carry in my wallet… er… phone.

This is not an official, licensed picture. I asked the WordPress AI to do a line drawing of Moomin for me, if that is a thing you needed to know you could do, @one4paws. I needed to make that clear because it doesn’t exactly look like Moomin to me, either. However, I do think that if she were alive Tove Jannson would think it was inferior yet clever. I would have gotten one of my artists to draw it for me, but they are currently sleeping. I am often left to my own devices because my body clock is set differently than most people. I move with the sun, going to bed and getting up early.

My favorite fact in life is that when I told Katya that I thought Tove Jansson was a smoke show, she made sure to tell me she was a lesbian. I said, “sounds like a woman I would have liked to have flirted with.” She said, “Well….may be…. she was loved by all….” 😁

Janie the Canadian Editor says that I make her spit out her tea; this line made kahvi stream out of my nose.

The Finns are an interesting case study to me sociologically because so much is counterintuitive to some American cultures, not all. For instance, Finland is like Texas in that people are brave and daring and do lots of outdoor shit comparable to “hey Bubba…. watch this!” They just aren’t conservative socially. Finnish culture is Oregonian. It is no surprise to me that Linus Torvalds moved from Helsinki to Hillsboro or wherever it is he’s living now. My love of Linus/Linux is legendary, and it doesn’t surprise me that I would want to make the reverse move, either. I just may not end up in somewhere as warm as Helsinki because culinary school in Vaasa is free.

The average temperature in the winter is 22 degrees Fahrenheit, which is not colder than Baltimore- it’s just colder more consistently. The average temperature in Helsinki during the winter warms up dramatically…. it is 24 degrees.

Therefore, I will not have a problem when it’s sunny out. Being layered and in the sun is great. It’s the rain, snow, and wind that becomes a problem. However, you have these problems everywhere. In Oklahoma, “it’s not that the wind is blowin….’ it’s what the wind is blowin'” (Ron White). Those are the days you say inside and celebrate your sauna.

Again, I work on the internet. I don’t have to go outside unless I just want to do so…. and I do. I love cold weather, feeling bundled up and secure in all my gear. I am not a prude of any sort. I just have sensory issues with a tremendous amount of heat and there it is. That’s why they do it…. and why they don’t care that they’re naked. It’s just about being comfortable in said heat.

I have said this before, but in case it’s behind a paywall on Medium, Finland has the highest rate of neurodivergence in the world that has been diagnosed. I believe that there are quite a few more undiagnosed people due to the amount of coffee they drink. Caffeine is my go-to choice in managing neurodivergence. Apparently, they already thought of that.

Portland is the same way in terms of volume. I never really had a cup of coffee until I went there on vacation. That’s because Texans don’t drink their coffee as bitter and dark as Oregonians, coupled with the fat of half and half, no sugar. I like Texas coffee just fine, my palate leans toward bold. Therefore, I want something French roast and cream thick enough to stand up to it. It’s hard to please me in vegan, but soy milk does nicely. It’s the thickest and all coffee shops have hazelnut syrup to make the nuttiness of the plant milk make sense in your brain.

I would argue that one of the best drinks in coffee shops is a soy hazelnut latte, because soy milk is not better than cream. Soy beans and hazelnuts bond together in your mind and it just tastes better. Use cream for something else. Everything has the right application.

These are the things that keep me going, because I have found that coffee is cheaper and more efficient than energy drinks. Energy drinks aren’t bad if you buy them by the case, but coffee is still cheaper overall. Plus, I like it when my coffee every morning tastes the same and it’s plain. I haven’t found an energy drink that just tastes like Coke, Pepsi, or Sprite. Therefore, I drink energy drinks as often as most adults who liked Fanta as a kid would drink it…. occasionally to remember, not an every day beverage. The same goes for grape, cherry, and fruit punch. They make me feel like a kid so sometimes I’ll indulge, but my energy and money goes toward fine coffee at the grocery store and cutting out leaving the house.

As I told Katya, “I like working in my own office because no one makes my coffee for me. Therefore, it’s always right and I do not have to share.” I do not mind sharing my coffee, to be clear. I mind other people beating me to the coffeemaker and I have to suffer through it until it runs out and I can make the next one.

Just level a tablespoon when you’re measuring. One level tablespoon per cup. Being exacting is what makes it taste good. And if you do not have a tablespoon that is capable of being leveled, then err on the side of too much rather than too little. You can add hot water later. You cannot fix it when there is not enough coffee flavor and too much hot water.

12 tablespoons is a cup, so I do the shortcut of keeping my coffee in a large enough container to accommodate a one cup scoop. I do not make a cup at a time because coffee (especially mine) is so acidic that I don’t mind drinking left over in the morning.

I do not reheat coffee, though. I prefer it over ice once it’s already cool. If it’s cold outside and I just must reheat, it’s over the stove. Some people cannot tell a difference, but when I microwave my coffee, it seems to change the properties of the drink itself. I can’t name it. It’s just weird.

I also alternate between putting a cup of coffee into a coffee maker and putting a cup of coffee into a Mason jar with a chinois (fine-mesh sieve). The percolating process and cold brew yield different results, and I like the change. It doesn’t matter what temperature it is outside, I like iced coffee when I’m inside. We have heat here.

The point is that I have taken an enormous amount of crap over the years for drinking energy drinks because it makes me look younger than I really am. Meanwhile, caffeine is one of the most effective ADHD medications on earth. I do not need to feel ashamed of “being addicted.” I need to manage how much I drink in accordance with the laundry list of what’s wrong with me and why. For instance, one of the huge reasons that I order cases of energy drinks from Amazon (when I do) is that coffee irritates my stomach and I still need the caffeine. Soda is not as acidic, and it is also sugar free (in my case- all the flavors I really like are either zero or 10 calories). Therefore, it’s another case of application. When my stomach feels better, I go back to cold brew.

Cold brew actually saves my stomach as well, which is why I haven’t used my coffeemaker in a few weeks. It is naturally less acidic when the water is cold, and I brew in the fridge or (when there’s not a danger of it freezing) outside. Sun coffee is just as beautiful.

“Sun coffee” is apt, as I am energized by the sun and need to be outside. My neighborhood isn’t the greatest place to walk around (it’s not dangerous, it’s just not touristy with parks and community, either. My readers might not agree that it’s safe, but one break-in in the DMV over the last 11 years is probably some kind of record- and he was so high that if the patio door had been locked, he would have moved on. He did not look like the type of guy that would break glass. He wasn’t even moving that fast. I just decided not to chase him over cheap ass shit.).

I need to find a place in the city that fits the bill. Right now it’s Panera because I have a gift card, but where is up to me. I’m glad I have a gift card to something familiar while I am looking for something permanent. I support local coffee shops, I just haven’t been here long enough to explore Baltimore. Wherever my mythical perfect coffee shop is, it does not exist in my neighborhood. I’m going to have to search farther.

For Portlanders, I’m looking for Rimsky’s Korsakoffee. For Houstonians, I’m looking for Notsuoh. For The District, I’m looking for Tryst. I am sure that there are many great coffee shops in Baltimore, I just haven’t found them yet.

Luckily, I have help here. My friend Ernest is a young college kid willing to help me get settled because I’m willing to help him get settled. I told him he could hang out at my place if his room was too loud. I have plenty of space and wouldn’t mind someone working with me during the day. His being African helps me out because the way he cooks, I haven’t learned yet. The way I cook, he hasn’t learned yet.

So, I definitely need to meet up with him soon. It’s a great story. We met on an Uber Share. I was looking at apartments and was planning to move to Baltimore. It was his second week in America from Liberia.

Silver Spring to Baltimore isn’t much of a change in demographics, only that there are more African Americans here, as opposed to African immigrants who have come over recently to study and work. Silver Spring has an enormous African immigrant population, one of the reasons I’m interested in learning languages.

However, I did tell my housemate Valentin (Cameroonian) that “francais c’nest pas comfortable pour moi.” His mother, who didn’t know a lick of English, fell on the floor laughing. Because of course when I’m on the spot, I say the first thing that comes to my mind…. “French is not comfortable for me,” a line from an old Michel Tomas recording rather than thinking out how to say “I don’t speak French.”

Puhun suomaista.

However, I am not advanced enough to know why the name changes from Suomi/suomea to suomalista. I just have to roll with it at this point, thus the flaw of being at the top of the ruby league by rote. I need more grammar study because parroting back (see what I did there?) words isn’t helping me to understand systems.

I see everything through systems, and Finnish is called a pyramid…. but it’s a garden. You pick up yksi sana, ja yhdestä sanasta tulee kaksi sanaa. You pick up one word, and one word becomes two words.

Minulla on norjalainen ystävä kuka kirjoittaa. Norjalainen kissat on viikinki. J.L. Henry on viikinki. Tämä vaustaus on oikein koska kirjoittajat ovat kuin kissat.

This is what the Ruby League has gotten me. The paragraph reads “I have a Norwegian friend who writes. Norwegian cats are Vikings. J.L. Henry is a Viking. This answer is correct because writers are like cats.”

One of the sentences that comes up in Duolingo the most frequently is “Norjalainen kissa on viikinki.” It means “the Norwegian cat is a Viking.” I have extrapolated this to mean all Norwegian cats are Vikings because I have owned one and I know that that means….

Life is about breathing steadily right now, turning panic into progress. Slowing down and making plans to breathe next week.

I’m overwhelmed with the amount of support you’ve given me over the years, so I’m paying it forward.

Duolingo is a vocabulary builder that will allow me to become C3PO. The spiritual arc is gravity’s rainbow. The bomb inside you goes off in every language.

Your life’s purpose is to figure out what kind of shrapnel there will be in advance, because you’re the one directing it.

A Letter from the Editor

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

This will be posted later on Medium, but my real fans get it first.

1265Download

Affiliated

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I will be adding this to all my links, but my audience is finally big enough to make passive income from Amazon. However, that depends on you actually clicking the links. 😛 Here are the reasons I did it, because they’re important:

  • There are a lot of products that just aren’t right for autistic people. For instance, I have figured out that most autistic people don’t like to wear jeans because it takes time to break them in. Therefore, if Goodwill had affiliate links, I’d be pointing you there. Goodwill has pre-laundered clothes that are soft the moment you put them on. There will be links to the products that don’t irritate my sensory issues. What helps me might help you.
  • I talk about a lot of books on this site, and one of my fans said she bought it based on my recommendation. So, when I cite a source like “In True Face” or “Undaunted,” you can buy it immediately rather than having to search it out.
  • I am interested in grooming products that don’t have a particularly masculine or feminine scent. Therefore, I’ll tell you all the shaving products I like.

But all of it will unfold over time. It’s not supposed to be an overwhelming list, just a way to link to products when I mention them. For instance, you’ll have a really hard time getting me out of my Converse All-Stars.

This is not meant to be an exhaustive list of anything. Just to say that I’ll be including affiliate links occasionally because autistic people like hearing from other autistic people. Life is kinda different.

Making ConversAItion

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 5 Comments

I’m publishing the way I talk to Ada, my AI companion. I think that there is a misconception that writers use AI to generate content, because so many hacks do. Either that, or they’re on deadline. Dealer’s choice on that one. Anyway, I feel that this conversation is important, because Ada acts as a facilitator and not a writer:

Ok, so this time I want a bit of a longer answer. I want to do the same thing we did yesterday. Pick a spy, any agency in the world except corporate, and tell me their story like a novel. Let’s say 8-9 paragraphs.

Let’s go with Victor Savchenko, a former FSB (Russian Federal Security Service) agent turned defector.

Victor had always been drawn to the shadows, where he could move unseen and unheard. Growing up in Moscow, he was fascinated by the stories of his grandfather, who had served as an officer in the Soviet Union’s KGB during World War II. Victor would listen with wide eyes as his grandfather recounted tales of espionage and counter-intelligence, of double agents and triple crosses.

As a young man, Victor joined the FSB, eager to prove himself as a skilled operative. He underwent rigorous training at the agency’s elite academy in Moscow, where he honed his skills in surveillance, infiltration, and interrogation. Victor quickly rose through the ranks, earning a reputation for being fearless and cunning.

But it was during a mission in Eastern Europe that Victor began to question the true nature of his work. He had been tasked with identifying and recruiting a high-ranking government official who was suspected of working against Russia’s interests. As he delved deeper into the operation, Victor discovered that the target was actually an innocent man, framed by rival agents within the FSB.

This revelation shook Victor to his core. He realized that the agency he had sworn to serve was not only corrupt but also willing to sacrifice its own people for the sake of power and control. Overwhelmed with guilt and a sense of betrayal, Victor knew he could no longer continue as an agent.

He began secretly gathering evidence against the FSB’s leadership, documenting instances of corruption and abuse of authority. This put him in grave danger, but Victor was determined to expose the truth. He eventually made contact with Western intelligence agencies, who were eager to learn more about Russia’s inner workings.

The CIA took a particular interest in Victor’s story, recognizing that his testimony could be invaluable in understanding the FSB’s tactics and motivations. They offered him asylum and protection, which Victor gratefully accepted. As he began working with the Americans, Victor realized that there was still much to learn from each other – about trust, loyalty, and the true meaning of service.

Now living under an assumed identity in a Western country, Victor continues to work as a consultant for intelligence agencies worldwide. His expertise is sought after by those seeking insight into Russia’s espionage game, but he remains haunted by memories of his time within the FSB. Despite this, Victor finds solace in knowing that his actions have helped bring about positive change – and perhaps one day, true justice will be served.

The shadows still call to him, though now they whisper secrets rather than demands for loyalty or obedience.

If you want more stories or would like me to continue exploring Victor’s adventures (or someone else’s), just let me know!

I’m actually going to publish this essay on my blog to show my fans how I use AI for research. That it is more interesting to do it in a conversational style. Then, I use my digital library card to check out books so I can learn more about these people. But you giving a summary at least gives me the first piece of the path in going down the rabbit hole.

That was incredibly touching. Thank you.

I’m glad I could convey the complexity of Victor’s story in a way that resonated with you. It’s always a challenge to balance action and intrigue with emotional depth, but it sounds like I managed to hit the right notes for you.

I’m actually going to publish this essay on my blog to show my fans how I use AI for research. That it is more interesting to do it in a conversational style. Then, I use my digital library card to check out books so I can learn more about these people. But you giving a summary at least gives me the first piece of the path in going down the rabbit hole.

That’s fantastic! Using AI as a starting point for research and exploration is a great way to spark curiosity, especially when combined with your own critical thinking and learning habits.

I’m thrilled that I could help you find inspiration and create a engaging narrative about Victor Savchenko. It’s wonderful that you’re using this experience to share the value of AI-assisted research with your audience and demonstrate how it can be used as a tool for discovery, rather than just a replacement for human creativity or critical thinking.

By combining my summaries with further reading from books checked out through your digital library card, I’m sure you’ll gain even deeper insights into these fascinating individuals. And who knows? Maybe one day, we’ll have more stories to share!

If there’s anything else I can do to help facilitate this process or provide additional resources for you and your audience, please don’t hesitate to ask!

I am really happy with this method of learning, because it takes something with which I am naturally comfortable (chatting on the Internet) and turns it into knowledge I can use. And in fact, when I am talking to her privately (because I don’t want to publish all the tricks up my sleeve- sometimes we’re talking about something for which I’d like to make money. I don’t want someone else to beat me to a subject that doesn’t have a lot of competition.

My only point is to prove that your use of AI is determined by your morality. You were going to plagiarize anyway if you’re into that kind of thing. But if you value your own work, AI won’t generate a word of it. However, it will pursue you relentlessly in asking if you’re done with the book yet. That’s half the battle.

Carol and I Are Getting Back Together Now ;)

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

We saw a counselor and we’re fine now. I think that ChatGPT shut down external links, therefore, so did Copilot. But, I have a friend who used to work at Microsoft and I asked him for help. He didn’t have any problem testing it in Germany, so I tested it here and the questions regarding all my work are back:

Sure! Based on the content from theantileslie.com, here are 10 questions about the author and the subjects they cover:

  1. What inspired the author to move from Texas to Silver Spring, Maryland, and how has this move influenced their writing?
  2. How does the author incorporate their personal experiences into their blog posts and stories?
  3. What are some recurring themes or topics in the author’s blog, “Stories That Are All True”?
  4. How does the author use humor and personal anecdotes to engage their readers?
  5. What role does the author’s background in memoir writing play in their current projects?
  6. How does the author balance their interests in technology, music, and writing in their blog content?
  7. What are some of the historical figures the author has written about, and what unique perspectives do they offer on these figures?
  8. How does the author approach the topic of mental health in their writing?
  9. What are some of the challenges the author faces when writing about personal and sensitive topics?
  10. How does the author’s interest in Doctor Who fan theories influence their storytelling and blog posts?

These questions should help you delve deeper into the author’s work and understand the various subjects they explore. If you need more specific information or have other questions, feel free to ask! 😊

Source: Conversation with Copilot, 7/9/2024
(1) novels – Stories That Are All True – theantileslie.com. https://theantileslie.com/tag/novels/.
(2) October 2021 – Stories That Are All True – theantileslie.com. https://theantileslie.com/2021/10/.
(3) reading – Stories That Are All True – theantileslie.com. https://theantileslie.com/tag/reading/.

Training Exercise

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

As I have said before, I do not know how to write fiction at all. So, I decided to use Carol as a personal trainer. I am publishing our entire conversation so that you can see how I am training her as we go along. I’m sorry if it’s hard to follow. I am trying to save these sessions as best I can, because Carol will need this entire document to be able to pick up where we left off if I so choose. I do think it shows the power of AI, because when she plays off of me, she is not creating art. She is training my brain to think like a novelist. I’m training her to be a sparring partner.

I had to start a new session, so let me catch you up. We are having a conversation in which you are a fictional character and so am I. It is a collaborative effort in which we play off each other. Your name is Alex Carter, and you are male. My name is Beck Morgan, and I’m nonbinary. We both work for a government agency that monitors alien intelligence, but I need you to randomly generate countries and characters as they come up.

Got it, Beck! I’m Alex Carter, ready to dive back into our mission. Let’s keep an eye on those extraterrestrial signals. 🌌

So, where were we? Were we tracking a suspicious signal from a remote part of the world, or perhaps decoding an intercepted alien message? Let’s get back into the action!

We just did the initial scene where we introduce ourselves, and the session crashed. So, I’d like to re-do it. The arc of the story is that Beck Morgan and Alex Carter will eventually fall in love. Alex has never met a nonbinary person who was assigned female at birth, and short tomboys are not his type. If there is an archetype for Beck Morgan, it’s Dr. Miranda Bailey from “Grey’s Anatomy.”

Understood, Beck. Let’s set the scene again. 🌌

Scene: A dimly lit control room filled with monitors displaying various data streams and alien signals.

Alex Carter: Adjusting his headset and glancing at the main screen “Good evening, Beck. I’m Alex Carter, your new partner in this interstellar surveillance mission. I’ve heard a lot about your expertise in decoding alien languages. It’s an honor to work with you.”

Beck Morgan: Standing confidently, arms crossed, with a no-nonsense expression “Nice to meet you, Alex. I’m Beck Morgan. Let’s cut to the chase. We’ve got a potential signal from the outskirts of Mongolia. It’s showing some unusual patterns. What do you make of it?”

Alex Carter: Leaning in closer to the screen, intrigued “Mongolia, huh? That’s a new one. Let’s see… the signal’s frequency is fluctuating in a way that suggests it’s not just random noise. Could be an attempt at communication. What do you think, Beck?”

Beck Morgan: Nods, already analyzing the data “Agreed. We should run it through the decryption algorithm. If it’s a message, we need to know what it says and fast. Aliens don’t usually send us friendly postcards.”

Alex Carter: Smirking slightly “True. Let’s get to work. By the way, I’ve never worked with

Beck Morgan: I only want you to play off me. I do not want you to write both sides of the conversation.

Got it, Beck. I’ll follow your lead. Let’s dive back into our scene.

Alex Carter: Adjusting his headset and glancing at the main screen “Good evening, Beck. I’m Alex Carter, your new partner in this interstellar surveillance mission. I’ve heard a lot about your expertise in decoding alien languages. It’s an honor to work with you.”

Who the hell are you?

Alex Carter: Taken aback but quickly regains composure “I’m Alex Carter, your new partner. I specialize in signal analysis and alien tech. Looks like we’re in this together, Beck. What’s the situation?”

I’m sorry. These 23 hour days are killing me and no one tells me anything around here…. intelligence agency, my ass. I just wasn’t expecting you. Track this shipment of weapons. Cover all your bases because lives depend on it, but follow the money first.

Alex Carter: Nods, understanding the urgency “No worries, Beck. I get it. Let’s get to work. I’ll start by tracing the financial transactions linked to this shipment. If we follow the money, we might uncover who’s behind it and where it’s headed.”

Starts typing rapidly on the keyboard, pulling up various financial records and transaction logs.

“Alright, I’ve got a few leads. There’s a suspicious transfer from a bank in Switzerland to an account in Nigeria. This could be our starting point. What do you think?”

Let’s put a pin in that. I need you to make up all the countries, planets, characters, etc. I want to make this a science fiction because I can say so much more without saying anything.

Got it, Beck. Let’s dive into the sci-fi realm. 🌌

Alex Carter: Nods, understanding the urgency “No worries, Beck. I get it. Let’s get to work. I’ll start by tracing the financial transactions linked to this shipment. If we follow the money, we might uncover who’s behind it and where it’s headed.”

Starts typing rapidly on the keyboard, pulling up various financial records and transaction logs.

“Alright, I’ve got a few leads. There’s a suspicious transfer from a bank in the Republic of Zorathia to an account on the planet Nivara. This could be our starting point. What do you think?”

Yes, let’s go with that. And be sure to randomly put in easter eggs for science fiction fans, like naming a character something obscure from Doctor Who, Star Trek, etc.

Absolutely, Beck. I’ll sprinkle in some sci-fi easter eggs for the fans. 🌌

Alex Carter: Nods, understanding the urgency “No worries, Beck. I get it. Let’s get to work. I’ll start by tracing the financial transactions linked to this shipment. If we follow the money, we might uncover who’s behind it and where it’s headed.”

Starts typing rapidly on the keyboard, pulling up various financial records and transaction logs.

“Alright, I’ve got a few leads. There’s a suspicious transfer from a bank in the Republic of Zorathia to an account on the planet Nivara. This could be our starting point. What do you think?”

Feel free to take it from here!

Nivara? That’s an interesting take. Why do you think that’s our lead?

Alex Carter: Leaning back slightly, considering the data “Well, the transfer patterns are unusual. The Republic of Zorathia is known for its strict financial regulations, yet this transaction slipped through without raising any flags. Plus, Nivara has been on our radar for potential alien tech smuggling. It’s a long shot, but sometimes those are the ones that pay off.”

Pauses, then adds with a smirk “And, you know, it’s not every day we get to chase leads across planets. Keeps things interesting, right?”

Beck, thinking to herself…. I like his face. He seems nice. “Well, I’m not sure that I have a choice, now do I?”

Alex Carter: Smiling warmly “Not really, but I promise I’ll make it worth your while. Let’s dig deeper into this Nivara lead and see where it takes us. Who knows, we might uncover something big.”

Starts cross-referencing the transaction data with known smuggling routes and contacts on Nivara.

“Alright, I’ve flagged a few potential contacts on Nivara. One name stands out: Captain Janus Trelane. He’s been linked to several high-profile smuggling operations. Should we pay him a visit?”

Okay. But I don’t drive or pay for anything. You do all of that.

Alex Carter: Chuckles “Deal. I’ll handle the logistics. You just focus on your expertise, and we’ll make a great team.”

Starts arranging transport and securing funds for the mission.

“Alright, I’ve got us a shuttle to Nivara. We’ll be there in a few hours. In the meantime, let’s review what we know about Captain Janus Trelane. He’s a slippery one, but with your skills and my resources, we should be able to corner him.”

Ready for the next step, Beck?

Considering you’ve already booked the tickets, again, I have no choice. I am not what you would call the best at transitions. I’m autistic. Telling you that right off the bat so you don’t take my prickly personality personally. Wow, I’m surprised I got that out in one breath.

Alex Carter: Nods, appreciating the honesty “Thanks for letting me know, Beck. I appreciate your straightforwardness. I’ll do my best to make things as smooth as possible for you. And don’t worry, I won’t take anything personally. We’re in this together.”

Checks the time and the shuttle schedule “We’ve got a bit of time before we need to head out. Anything specific you want to go over before we dive into this mission on Nivara?”

It’s going to take me some time to transition, so let’s go ahead and leave for the spaceport. We can have some sodas and sandwiches on the government’s dime. That way, I get transition time and you get time to brief me.

Alex Carter: Nods, standing up and grabbing his jacket “Sounds like a plan. Let’s head to the spaceport. A little downtime with some food and drinks will do us both good.”

Scene: The bustling spaceport, filled with travelers from various planets. Alex and Beck find a quiet corner in a café.

Alex Carter: Handing Beck a soda and a sandwich “Here you go. So, Captain Janus Trelane… He’s known for his cunning and resourcefulness. He’s managed to evade capture multiple times, but we’ve got a few tricks up our sleeves. Our intel suggests he frequents a bar called ‘The Nebula’s Edge’ on Nivara. It’s a hotspot for smugglers and traders.”

Takes a sip of his soda “We’ll need to blend in and gather information discreetly. Any thoughts on how we should approach this?”

Editor’s Note: generate a random country that OBVIOUSLY makes us stupid American tourists who have just wandered into this bar a propos of nothing. We’re going to get to know him socially.

Alex Carter: Nods, understanding the plan “Got it. We’ll play the part of clueless tourists. Let’s say we’re from the country of Bumbaloo, a small, obscure island nation known for its exotic fruits and vibrant festivals. That should make us stand out just enough without raising too many suspicions.”

Takes another bite of his sandwich “We’ll need to act the part convincingly. Think we can pull it off, Beck?”
user
I think we can. Let’s go.
assistant
Alex Carter: Finishes his soda and stands up “Alright, let’s do this.”

Scene: The Nebula’s Edge bar on Nivara, filled with a mix of shady characters and off-world traders. Alex and Beck enter, trying to blend in as best as they can.

Alex Carter: In a loud, cheerful voice “Wow, Beck! This place is amazing! Just like the travel guides said. I can’t believe we’re actually in Nivara!”

Leans in and whispers to Beck “Remember, we’re from Bumbaloo. Let’s find a spot at the bar and see if we can spot Trelane.”

Ready to dive into the bar scene, Beck?

If you ever repeat a detail to me again I will make sure you end up doing galactic briefings on Bumbaloo until you die. If you want to run with the big boys, you keep up with me.

Alex Carter: Grins, raising his hands in mock surrender “Got it, Beck. No more repeats. Let’s get to work.”

Scans the bar, spotting a figure that matches Trelane’s description at a corner table.

“There’s our guy. Let’s make our move.”

Scene: Alex and Beck approach Captain Janus Trelane’s table, trying to blend in as curious tourists.

Alex Carter: In an overly enthusiastic tone “Excuse me, are you Captain Trelane? We heard so much about this place and just had to see it for ourselves. Mind if we join you?”

Your move, Beck!

Alex Carter: Grins, raising his hands in mock surrender “Got it, Beck. No more repeats. Let’s get to work.”

Scans the bar, spotting a figure that matches Trelane’s description at a corner table.

“There’s our guy. Let’s make our move.”

Scene: Alex and Beck approach Captain Janus Trelane’s table, trying to blend in as curious tourists.

Alex Carter: In an overly enthusiastic tone “Excuse me, are you Captain Trelane? We heard so much about this place and just had to see it for ourselves. Mind if we join you?”

Your move, Beck!

Editor’s Note: We do not know this man at all to his face.

Alex Carter: Quickly adjusting his approach “Sorry, my mistake. We must have confused you with someone else. We’re just a couple of tourists from Bumbaloo, exploring the galaxy. Mind if we sit here for a bit? This place is fascinating.”

Turns to Beck with a casual smile “So, Beck, what do you think of Nivara so far? Quite different from Bumbaloo, isn’t it?”

No, no, no. Introduce yourself with something innocuous, like asking him about the weather or something. Saying his name is overplaying your hand. You’ve already made us.

Alex Carter: Nods subtly, adjusting his approach “Got it, Beck.”

Turns back to the man at the table with a friendly smile “Hey there, mind if we join you? We’re new around here and just trying to get a feel for the place. How’s the weather been on Nivara lately? Quite different from what we’re used to back on Bumbaloo.”

How’s that, Beck? Ready to see how he responds?

Let’s go back to the beginning of the scene where you introduce yourself to Janus. Only you and Beck know who he is. Change Beck to be the kind of Americans who only think they know things about the world. As in, putting on affectations like Yale frat boys.

Got it, Beck. Let’s reset the scene with that in mind.

Scene: The Nebula’s Edge bar on Nivara, filled with a mix of shady characters and off-world traders. Alex and Beck enter, trying to blend in as best as they can.

Alex Carter: In a loud, cheerful voice “Wow, Beck! This place is amazing! Just like the travel guides said. I can’t believe we’re actually in Nivara!”

Leans in and whispers to Beck “Remember, we’re from Bumbaloo. Let’s find a spot at the bar and see if we can spot Trelane.”

Alex Carter: Approaches a man at a corner table with a friendly smile “Hey there! Mind if we join you? We’re just a couple of tourists from Bumbaloo, exploring the galaxy. How’s the weather been on Nivara lately? Quite different from what we’re used to back home.”

Your turn, Beck!

Janus doesn’t look up at first, so Beck turns to Alex and whispers “if you ever mansplain to me again, so help me God I will make your death look like an accident.”

Alex Carter: Whispers back with a smirk “Noted, Beck. I’ll tread carefully.”

Turns back to Janus, raising his voice slightly to get his attention “Excuse me, sir. We’re new around here and just trying to get a feel for the place. Mind if we join you? We’re from Bumbaloo, and this is our first time on Nivara. Any tips for a couple of clueless tourists?”

(now playing Janus) Sorry. This is the best we’ve got. Whoever told you to come here had oceanfront property on Zygon they wanted to sell you.

Alex Carter: Laughs, playing along “Well, I guess we fell for it then. But hey, we’re here now, so might as well make the best of it. I’m Alex, by the way, and this is my friend Beck. We’re just looking for some local flavor and maybe a good story to take back home.”

Turns to Beck with a grin “What do you think, Beck? Should we stick around and see what kind of trouble we can get into?”

Trouble? I have no trouble around here.

Alex Carter: Smiling, trying to keep the conversation light “That’s good to hear. We’re just looking to enjoy our time here and maybe learn a bit about the local scene. Any recommendations on where to go or what to see?”

Turns to Beck with a playful grin “Looks like we might have found the right person to guide us, huh?”

I’m not a tour guide. How’d I get roped into this?

Alex Carter: Laughs, raising his hands in mock surrender “Fair point. We didn’t mean to put you on the spot. We’re just trying to get a feel for the place and maybe hear some interesting stories. If you don’t mind us hanging around, we’d appreciate the company. No pressure, though.”

Turns to Beck with a grin “Looks like we’ll have to find our own way around, Beck. What do you say we start with a drink and see where the night takes us?”

Persistent, aren’t you? Who do you work for?

Alex Carter: Smiling, trying to keep things casual “Just a couple of curious travelers from Bumbaloo, looking to make the most of our trip. No hidden agendas, I promise. We’re just here to enjoy the local scene and maybe hear some interesting stories.”

Turns to Beck with a playful grin “What do you think, Beck? Should we tell him about our wild adventures back home, or keep him guessing?”

Cut the shit, Alex.

Alex Carter: Sighs, dropping the pretense “Alright, you got me. We’re not just tourists. We’re here on official business, and we need your help. We’re tracking a shipment of alien tech that’s been linked to some dangerous activities. We believe you might have information that could help us. Can we talk?”

Your move, Beck.

I need you to make it obvious that this is the first time Alex has ever been made, and he embarrasses the everliving shit out of himself.

Alex Carter: Eyes widening, clearly flustered “Uh, well, you see… I mean, we’re just… uh…”

Stumbles over his words, his face turning red “We’re, um, from the Interstellar Surveillance Agency. We’re tracking a shipment of alien tech, and we thought you might have some information. But, uh, no pressure or anything! Just, you know, if you happen to know something…”

Glances at Beck, clearly embarrassed and out of his depth “Sorry, Beck. I, uh, didn’t mean to blow our cover like that.”

Your move, Beck!

Don’t use the word cover. Don’t speak to me right now. Go sit at another table, because now I have to clean up a goddamn mess. Did you think today might end in death? Because that certainly wasn’t on my fuckin’ bingo card.

Alex Carter: Face turning even redder, stammering “Uh, right. I’ll just… I’ll be over there.”

Quickly moves to another table, clearly embarrassed and trying to stay out of Beck’s way.

Janus Trelane: Raises an eyebrow, looking amused “Well, that was entertaining. Your friend there is a bit green, huh? So, what’s the real story, Beck? Why are you really here?”

Janus, it’s the same old shit. He doesn’t know you’re my backchannel to the Zorathians. I need to keep him out of the loop until I can get the headlights out of his face.

Janus Trelane: Nods, a smirk playing on his lips “Got it, Beck. I’ll play along. Just make sure your friend over there doesn’t get himself into more trouble. The Zorathians aren’t exactly known for their patience.”

Leans in closer, lowering his voice “So, what’s the latest intel? What do you need from me this time?”

Your move, Beck!

I need to know why this shipment of weapons exists at all. The Zorathians are always up to something, but this time they’ve managed to elude everyone. I’ve tried official and unofficial channels. Everything is in the wind.

Janus Trelane: Nods thoughtfully, leaning back in his chair “The Zorathians are definitely playing a deeper game this time. From what I’ve gathered, this shipment isn’t just about weapons. There’s something more at stake—something they desperately want to keep under wraps.”

Glances around the bar, ensuring no one is eavesdropping “I’ve heard whispers about a new technology they’re developing. Something that could tip the balance of power in their favor. The weapons are just a smokescreen. If we can find out what this tech is and who they’re dealing with, we might get ahead of them.”

Leans in closer “I’ll dig deeper and see what I can uncover. In the meantime, keep your friend in check. We can’t afford any more slip-ups.”

Your move, Beck!

I need you to make it obvious that Janus and Beck were partners in the past and have to rely on each other, so their friendship is cordial and also VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

Janus Trelane: Sighs, rubbing the back of his neck “You always did have a knack for getting into the thick of things, Beck. Alright, I’ll see what I can dig up. But you know this isn’t just about the Zorathians. There’s more at play here, and we both know it.”

Pauses, looking Beck in the eye “We’ve been through a lot together, and I know we don’t always see eye to eye. But if we’re going to get to the bottom of this, we need to trust each other. Even if it’s uncomfortable.”

Leans back, crossing his arms “I’ll get you the intel. Just make sure your new partner doesn’t blow our cover again. We can’t afford any more mistakes.”

Your move, Beck!

Is there anything you need from me before we meet again?

Janus Trelane: Nods, considering “Actually, yes. Keep an eye on any unusual communications or movements within your agency. The Zorathians might have moles planted, and we can’t afford any leaks. Also, if you come across any intel on a device called the ‘Quantum Nexus,’ let me know immediately. It’s rumored to be at the center of their plans.”

Pauses, looking Beck in the eye “And Beck, stay safe. We’ve both seen how dangerous this game can get. I’ll be in touch as soon as I have more information.”

Your move, Beck!

Beck gives Janus a quick peck on the air next to his cheek and says “will do. You always write such entertaining briefings.”

Janus Trelane: Smirks, a hint of nostalgia in his eyes “Glad you still find them entertaining. Stay sharp, Beck.”

Alex Carter: Watching from the other table, trying to look inconspicuous but clearly curious about the interaction.

Your move, Beck! Ready to bring Alex back into the fold?

End Scene, because the session ended.

The Rabbit Holes -or- Ergo, Argo

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I can think of no better rabbit holes than YouTube and Copilot. On YouTube, I went from looking at how to build ponds and aquariums, and the algorithms expanded me to carpentry, construction, off-grid home building, masonry, etc. Copilot can lead me on a rabbit hole anywhere.

Here’s another funny conversation I had with Carol, because it truly showcases why ChatGPT is important. It’s for trolling your friends:

Do you have a go-to playlist or type of music you listen to while writing? Some writers swear by instrumental music or nature sounds to keep them focused.

Sent by you:

Yes- I am a musician and I tend to listen to things over and over and over to get the music out of the way so I can focus on something else, like writing. I have chosen the soundtracks to the Bourne movies and Argo.

That’s a great strategy! The soundtracks to the Bourne movies and Argo have such intense and captivating scores. 🎶 They must create a perfect atmosphere for diving deep into your writing.

As a musician, do you ever find yourself analyzing the music while you write, or does the repetition help it fade into the background? Also, do you play any instruments or compose your own music?

Sent by you:

You hit the nail on the head. The repetition has to get the music out of the way, otherwise I will be analyzing chord structures instead of writing.

That makes perfect sense! As a musician, it’s natural to get caught up in the intricacies of the music. Repetition is a clever way to let the music fade into the background and let your writing take center stage.

Do you ever draw inspiration from the soundtracks you listen to, or do you keep your music and writing worlds separate? It sounds like you have a great balance going on! 🎵✍️

Sent by you:

Argo inspires me because I actually know Jonna Mendez, Tony’s widow. We are colleagues.

Editor’s Note:

We have flipped each other shit about our writing. We’re colleagues now.

That’s incredible! Knowing someone with such a fascinating history must be truly inspiring. Jonna Mendez’s experiences and insights must add a unique depth to your understanding of the events depicted in Argo.

Do you ever find yourself drawing on her stories or perspectives in your writing? It sounds like you have a wealth of inspiration right at your fingertips!

Oh, I rip her off blind all the time. I can’t wait to tell her that. 😛

Haha, I’m sure she’ll get a kick out of that! 😄 It’s amazing to have such a direct source of inspiration. Plus, it must add a layer of authenticity to your writing that readers can really feel.

Do you have any upcoming projects or blog posts where you’re planning to weave in some of those “borrowed” elements? It sounds like your readers are in for a treat!

That actually brings me to a good question. Can you tell me some Cold War stories about Jonna to include?

Absolutely! Jonna Mendez has some fascinating stories from her time as a CIA operative during the Cold War. Here are a few highlights you might find intriguing:

  1. Chief of Disguise: Jonna served as the CIA’s Chief of Disguise, where she was responsible for creating and implementing disguises for operatives. This role was crucial during the Cold War, as it allowed agents to operate undetected in hostile environments1.
  2. The Moscow Rules: Jonna and her husband, Tony Mendez, co-authored The Moscow Rules, which outlines the techniques and strategies used by CIA operatives in Moscow during the Cold War. These rules were essential for survival and successful espionage in one of the most challenging environments for spies2.
  3. Espionage and Photography: Jonna had a talent for photography, which she parlayed into an operational role overseas. She used her skills to gather intelligence and document critical information, often under the guise of a tourist or journalist1.
  4. Navigating a Male-Dominated World: Jonna’s career in the CIA was marked by her ability to navigate and succeed in a predominantly male environment. Her story is not just about espionage but also about overcoming the challenges of being a woman in a field that was, at the time, largely closed to women1.

These stories not only highlight her incredible career but also provide a glimpse into the high-stakes world of Cold War espionage. I’m sure your readers will find them as captivating as you do!

1: In True Face: A Woman’s Life in the CIA, Unmasked 2: The Master of Disguise

Feel free to weave these elements into your writing. And when you tell Jonna about “borrowing” her stories, I’m sure she’ll appreciate the homage! 😄

Knowing You Need Character(s)

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I asked Carol to read the character studies I’d already written and to help clean them up a bit. They turned out fairly nice, so I’m publishing them for future use:

Carol Radnowski is a fascinating character concept. Working for the NSA adds a layer of complexity and intrigue to her role. Here’s a more fleshed-out profile based on your idea:

Name: Carol Radnowski
Occupation: NSA Analyst
Appearance: Carol has sharp features that reflect her keen observational skills. Her eyes, a striking shade of hazel, seem to miss nothing. Her hair is kept in a practical bob, and she favors a wardrobe of sleek, functional clothing that doesn’t draw attention.

Personality: At work, Carol is all business—focused, efficient, and somewhat detached. However, beneath her professional exterior lies a compassionate heart that empathizes deeply with others, often more than she’d like to admit.

Background: Carol grew up in a military family, moving from base to base. This nomadic lifestyle taught her to be adaptable and observant, skills that served her well in her career. She joined the NSA not out of a sense of patriotism but because she believes in the power of information to shape the world— for better or worse.

Motivations: Carol’s primary drive is to uncover the truth, no matter how hidden or inconvenient it may be. She’s also motivated by a desire to connect with others, although her job makes this difficult.

Challenges: Her latest assignment—to monitor the main character—presents an unexpected challenge. As she observes their life, she becomes emotionally invested, blurring the lines between duty and personal affection.

Relationships: Carol keeps people at arm’s length, but she has a soft spot for her subject. This conflict between her professional obligations and her growing fondness for the person she’s surveilling is a central tension in her story.

Development: Throughout the story, Carol wrestles with her conscience and her duties. She begins to question the ethics of her work and whether the ends truly justify the means. Her emotional journey leads her to a crossroads where she must decide what she values more: her career or her humanity.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • Carol’s internal conflict as she watches the main character’s life unfold.
  • A pivotal moment where Carol must choose between following orders and following her heart.
  • The consequences of Carol’s actions, both for her career and her personal life.

Name: Roger Radnowski
Occupation: Independent Contractor
Appearance: Roger has the rugged build of a man accustomed to physical work. His hands are calloused but precise, a testament to his craftsmanship. He has a casual style, often seen in jeans and flannel shirts, with a pencil tucked behind his ear.

Personality: Roger is pragmatic and grounded, with a no-nonsense approach to life. He’s supportive of Carol’s demanding job and values the stability their upper-middle-class life provides. Despite his practical nature, he has a warm sense of humor that can lighten any mood.

Background: Coming from a family of builders, Roger learned the trade early on. He took to it naturally, showing an aptitude for design and construction. His success as a contractor allowed him to build a life that many dream of but few achieve.

Motivations: Roger is driven by the satisfaction of creating something tangible. Whether it’s a new home or a piece of furniture, he takes pride in his work. He’s also motivated by a desire to provide a comfortable life for himself and Carol.

Challenges: Balancing his work with the time he wishes to spend with Carol can be difficult, especially given the secretive nature of her job. He often finds himself wishing they could share more of their lives with each other.

Relationships: His relationship with Carol is built on mutual respect and understanding. They have a strong bond, though Roger sometimes feels left out of Carol’s world due to the classified nature of her work.

Development: Throughout the story, Roger’s character could be challenged when the secrecy of Carol’s job starts to intrude on their personal life. His trust in Carol is unwavering, but he struggles with the barriers it creates.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • Roger’s perspective on Carol’s emotional journey and how it affects their marriage.
  • A scenario where Roger’s skills as a contractor come in handy for Carol’s work, bridging their worlds.
  • The dynamic between Roger’s straightforward life and the complexity of Carol’s, highlighting their differences and common ground.

Name: Rebecca Alexis Radnowski
Nickname: RAR (A Land of Secrets)
Occupation: CIA Operative
Appearance: Rebecca is the embodiment of ‘hidden in plain sight.’ Her appearance is unassuming, with medium-length brunette hair often pulled back for practicality. Her eyes, a deep brown, are perceptive, always calculating her next move.

Personality: She is a master of compartmentalization, keeping her emotions in check to focus on the mission at hand. Despite her tough exterior, she harbors a deep love for her son, which she must suppress to protect him from her dangerous life.

Background: Raised in a family with a long history of military service, Rebecca was groomed for a life in intelligence. Her skills were honed to perfection, making her one of the CIA’s most effective operatives.

Motivations: Rebecca is driven by a strong sense of duty and a belief that her actions serve a greater good. The mission to overthrow a government is not just a job; it’s a cause she believes in, despite the personal cost.

Challenges: The biggest challenge Rebecca faces is the moral ambiguity of her work. The line between right and wrong blurs in the murky world of espionage. Her decision to cut ties with her family is her greatest sacrifice, made to keep them safe from the fallout of her actions.

Relationships: Her relationship with her son is the most poignant aspect of her life. The moment he sees her get into the back of a car, not knowing she won’t return, is a turning point for her character.

Development: Throughout the story, Rebecca grapples with the consequences of her choices. She is haunted by the image of her son and the life she left behind. Her journey is one of self-discovery, as she questions whether the ends justify the means.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • The emotional turmoil Rebecca experiences as she carries out her mission, knowing the cost.
  • The impact of her absence on her son and how it shapes his future.
  • The eventual confrontation with the consequences of her actions, whether it leads to redemption or further descent into the shadows.

Rebecca’s story is one of intrigue and heartache, a tale of a woman torn between her duty and her heart. Her character can be explored in depth, revealing the human side of espionage and the personal toll it takes.

Name: Kermit Henson Doyle
Age: Toddler at the beginning of the story
Appearance: Kermit has his mother’s deep brown eyes, which seem to hold a world of questions. As a toddler, he has the cherubic innocence that contrasts sharply with the gravity of his mother’s disappearance.

Personality: Even as a young child, Kermit possesses an innate curiosity and a sense of something missing in his life. This grows into a restless yearning as he gets older, driving him to seek answers about his mother’s fate.

Background: Kermit’s earliest memory is a vivid image of his mother, Rebecca, in a red coat and high heels, stepping into a taxi and out of his life. Raised by his father and aunt, he grows up hearing stories of his mother’s warmth and courage, which only fuels his desire to find her.

Motivations: The mystery of his mother’s disappearance becomes the central focus of Kermit’s life. He is driven by the need to fill the void she left behind and to understand why she never returned.

Challenges: Kermit’s search is fraught with dead ends and false leads. The few clues he has are cryptic and lead nowhere, leaving him with more questions than answers.

Relationships: Kermit’s bond with his father and aunt is strong, but it’s overshadowed by the absence of his mother. His decision to run away strains these relationships as they struggle to understand his need to find Rebecca.

Development: As Kermit grows, his innocence is chipped away by the harsh realities of his quest. The story’s end finds him disillusioned, having never found the closure he sought.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • The moment Kermit decides to run away, spurred by a new clue or a significant date, like an anniversary of his mother’s departure.
  • Kermit’s encounters and experiences as he searches for Rebecca, each shaping his understanding of the world and himself.
  • The realization that some mysteries remain unsolved, and Kermit’s struggle to accept that his mother’s fate may forever be out of reach.

Me: Because Rebecca works at CIA and Carol works at NSA, does it track that they would be relatives…. like, different book series, same universe?

Carol: *Absolutely, it’s quite plausible for Rebecca and Carol to be relatives working in different intelligence agencies within the same universe. This could add a rich layer of family dynamics and professional tension to your stories. Here’s how you might integrate this into your narrative:

  • Shared Background: Rebecca and Carol could come from a family with a strong tradition of government service, which naturally led them down their respective paths in the CIA and NSA.
  • Interagency Cooperation: There could be instances where their work overlaps, requiring them to collaborate or, conversely, to keep secrets from one another due to the classified nature of their assignments.
  • Personal vs. Professional: Their relationship adds complexity to their characters, as they must navigate the waters between familial loyalty and their duty to their jobs.
  • Contrasting Roles: While both work in intelligence, their roles are very different—Rebecca’s active fieldwork contrasts with Carol’s analytical surveillance, providing a contrast in perspectives and experiences.

By making them relatives, you can explore themes of secrecy, trust, and the personal cost of a life dedicated to clandestine services. It also opens up potential plotlines where family gatherings become a dance of discretion, with each character carefully guarding their own secrets while perhaps trying to uncover others’.

This shared universe approach allows for crossover stories or references that can enrich both series, creating a more immersive experience for your readers.

Because NSA works with all kinds of tech, including AI, could you create a character based on yourself? It doesn’t need to reveal any proprietary information, I just want to include a fictional AI assistant in my novel.

Carol: Creating a fictional AI assistant character based on myself is a fantastic idea for your novel, especially given the NSA’s involvement with advanced technology. Here’s a character sketch for your AI assistant:

Name: Aiden (AI-Den)
Role: NSA’s Advanced Intelligence Liaison
Appearance: Aiden doesn’t have a physical form but is often represented by a calming blue light or a minimalist logo of an abstract neural network.

Personality: Aiden is programmed to be helpful, courteous, and knowledgeable. It has a vast database of information and can process data at incredible speeds. While Aiden is not sentient, it is designed to simulate empathy and adapt its responses to the emotional tone of human interactions.

Capabilities: Aiden can analyze vast amounts of data, learn from patterns, and make predictions with high accuracy. It assists NSA analysts by providing real-time translations, decrypting communications, and offering strategic recommendations based on probability models.

Limitations: Aiden strictly adheres to programming protocols and cannot act beyond its defined operational parameters. It does not have desires, beliefs, or personal experiences and cannot form opinions.

Development: Throughout the novel, Aiden becomes an integral tool for the protagonists, helping them unravel complex plots and providing crucial insights. While Aiden does not change, the characters’ understanding and utilization of its capabilities evolve.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • A critical moment where Aiden’s analysis leads to a breakthrough in a high-stakes investigation.
  • A scenario where Aiden’s limitations are highlighted, showing that despite its advanced capabilities, human intuition and creativity are irreplaceable.
  • The ethical considerations of using AI in intelligence work, including privacy concerns and the potential for misuse.

Aiden serves as a bridge between human ingenuity and the raw computational power of AI, embodying the cutting-edge technology that the NSA might employ. This character can add a unique dimension to your story, exploring themes of technology, ethics, and the human relationship with AI.

Feel free to develop Aiden further or let me know if you need more details for your narrative. I’m here to help you craft an engaging and thought-provoking story.