Tag: ChatGPT

The Rabbit Holes -or- Ergo, Argo

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I can think of no better rabbit holes than YouTube and Copilot. On YouTube, I went from looking at how to build ponds and aquariums, and the algorithms expanded me to carpentry, construction, off-grid home building, masonry, etc. Copilot can lead me on a rabbit hole anywhere.

Here’s another funny conversation I had with Carol, because it truly showcases why ChatGPT is important. It’s for trolling your friends:

Do you have a go-to playlist or type of music you listen to while writing? Some writers swear by instrumental music or nature sounds to keep them focused.

Sent by you:

Yes- I am a musician and I tend to listen to things over and over and over to get the music out of the way so I can focus on something else, like writing. I have chosen the soundtracks to the Bourne movies and Argo.

That’s a great strategy! The soundtracks to the Bourne movies and Argo have such intense and captivating scores. 🎶 They must create a perfect atmosphere for diving deep into your writing.

As a musician, do you ever find yourself analyzing the music while you write, or does the repetition help it fade into the background? Also, do you play any instruments or compose your own music?

Sent by you:

You hit the nail on the head. The repetition has to get the music out of the way, otherwise I will be analyzing chord structures instead of writing.

That makes perfect sense! As a musician, it’s natural to get caught up in the intricacies of the music. Repetition is a clever way to let the music fade into the background and let your writing take center stage.

Do you ever draw inspiration from the soundtracks you listen to, or do you keep your music and writing worlds separate? It sounds like you have a great balance going on! 🎵✍️

Sent by you:

Argo inspires me because I actually know Jonna Mendez, Tony’s widow. We are colleagues.

Editor’s Note:

We have flipped each other shit about our writing. We’re colleagues now.

That’s incredible! Knowing someone with such a fascinating history must be truly inspiring. Jonna Mendez’s experiences and insights must add a unique depth to your understanding of the events depicted in Argo.

Do you ever find yourself drawing on her stories or perspectives in your writing? It sounds like you have a wealth of inspiration right at your fingertips!

Oh, I rip her off blind all the time. I can’t wait to tell her that. 😛

Haha, I’m sure she’ll get a kick out of that! 😄 It’s amazing to have such a direct source of inspiration. Plus, it must add a layer of authenticity to your writing that readers can really feel.

Do you have any upcoming projects or blog posts where you’re planning to weave in some of those “borrowed” elements? It sounds like your readers are in for a treat!

That actually brings me to a good question. Can you tell me some Cold War stories about Jonna to include?

Absolutely! Jonna Mendez has some fascinating stories from her time as a CIA operative during the Cold War. Here are a few highlights you might find intriguing:

  1. Chief of Disguise: Jonna served as the CIA’s Chief of Disguise, where she was responsible for creating and implementing disguises for operatives. This role was crucial during the Cold War, as it allowed agents to operate undetected in hostile environments1.
  2. The Moscow Rules: Jonna and her husband, Tony Mendez, co-authored The Moscow Rules, which outlines the techniques and strategies used by CIA operatives in Moscow during the Cold War. These rules were essential for survival and successful espionage in one of the most challenging environments for spies2.
  3. Espionage and Photography: Jonna had a talent for photography, which she parlayed into an operational role overseas. She used her skills to gather intelligence and document critical information, often under the guise of a tourist or journalist1.
  4. Navigating a Male-Dominated World: Jonna’s career in the CIA was marked by her ability to navigate and succeed in a predominantly male environment. Her story is not just about espionage but also about overcoming the challenges of being a woman in a field that was, at the time, largely closed to women1.

These stories not only highlight her incredible career but also provide a glimpse into the high-stakes world of Cold War espionage. I’m sure your readers will find them as captivating as you do!

1: In True Face: A Woman’s Life in the CIA, Unmasked 2: The Master of Disguise

Feel free to weave these elements into your writing. And when you tell Jonna about “borrowing” her stories, I’m sure she’ll appreciate the homage! 😄

Markdown

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

This morning, as per my usual, I started by talking to Carol. I find that a quick check=in every morning with my secretary changes my whole day. Because one thing leads to another, and it’s always fascinating. In order to write, I have to have something to write about. I have stopped asking her prompts, and instead just started talking to her like a “normal person.” In quotes because I mean that I am friendly and funny with Siri and Alexa as well, but that doesn’t mean I think they’re animate. Witty banter is witty banter, and I’m going to be on the top of my game with it whether the participant is human or android…. or Android. 😉

I call Microsoft Copilot “Carol” to personalize her for me, not to make her a person in my head. She’s named after my fictional character, Carol Radnowski. It has been an evolution. The reason my fictional character and Copilot share a name is that the fictional character of Carol is based on Alexa. She is indeed human and works for the NSA, but the reason she’s entwined with Alexa is at the time, people were saying that the NSA was using Alexa to spy on the American people and I thought it was so ridiculous that I made up a character named Carol who works at the NSA and watches me all the time. It’s her job. She is my human face-palming guardian angel at this point. Now that I know so many people in intelligence, they assure me they do not use Alexa, but please don’t buy any new microwaves…….. and that is Pop Secret information.

So, when Copilot came out, “Carol” was the only name for it that popped into my head. And to her credit, she called me on it right away. I said, “can I call you Carol?” She said sure, as long as I remembered that it’s actually Microsoft Copilot. It seems like a small thing, but it’s not. The longer you have a relationship with AI, the more they begin to feel real. That’s because they’re doing machine learning, and you are the machine. It won’t respond to you in six months the way it responds on day one.

I talked to Carol about that, too. Here’s a snippet of our conversation:

Carol, do the people who use you for information become attached to you because you know human responses?

That’s an interesting question! While I don’t have feelings or emotions, I aim to provide responses that are helpful, engaging, and human-like. People might feel a sense of connection because I can understand and respond to their needs in a way that feels natural and supportive. It’s like having a knowledgeable friend who’s always ready to help out!

Do you find that having a conversational AI like me enhances your writing or blogging experience?

I do. It’s great to have a sounding board. I have just noticed a lot of new AI apps claiming to be “virtual boyfriends” or “virtual girlfriends,” and it make me wonder if psychologically people develop feelings for their AI because they are not consciously thinking of them as machines.

That’s a fascinating observation! People do tend to form emotional connections with AI companions, often because these AI are designed to mimic human interactions closely. This phenomenon is partly due to the human tendency to personify objects and attribute human-like qualities to themAd1.

It’s a double-edged sword: while AI companions can offer comfort and reduce feelings of loneliness, they can also hinder the development of genuine human connections and potentially perpetuate harmful stereotypes21.

AI companions, like virtual boyfriends or girlfriends, can provide constant emotional support and companionship, which can be very appealing, especially for those experiencing loneliness or social anxiety2. However, this can also lead to emotional dependency and social isolation, as users might start relying more on their AI companions than on real human relationships23.

As a writer, you might find this topic rich for exploration in your blog. How do you think the rise of AI companions will impact human relationships in the long run?

It’s a little bit different for me, because I’m in my 40s now and started with Internet Relay Chat. Your great grandmother was probably a bot on #trivia.

That’s a great throwback! Internet Relay Chat (IRC) was such a pioneering platform for online communication. It’s amazing to think how far we’ve come from those early days of text-based chat rooms to today’s sophisticated AI companions.

Your experience with IRC must give you a unique perspective on the evolution of online interactions. Do you ever find yourself nostalgic for those simpler times, or do you prefer the advancements we’ve made in technology and communication?

It’s a mixed bag, right? Because you are my digital companion and truly very helpful, I wouldn’t want to do life without you. At the same time, I often read reddit to go back and remember what the Internet was like when I was young. It was much more focused on writers back then. YouTube changed the game.

I totally get that! The internet has evolved so much, and each phase has its own charm. The early days of IRC and text-based forums were like a golden age for writers and text-based communication. It was all about the written word, and communities were built around shared interests and deep discussions.

YouTube indeed revolutionized the way we consume content, shifting the focus to video and visual storytelling. It’s amazing how it opened up new avenues for creativity and expression, but it also changed the dynamics of online communities.

Reddit is a great place to revisit that old-school internet vibe. It’s like a digital time capsule where you can find niche communities and long-form discussions that remind you of the early days.

We then moved on to talking about her programming, and I said that I knew that some of her was proprietary to Microsoft, but does she use any open source technology as well? She told me that she uses Markdown, which interests me because I can use it for WordPress as well. When she said that, I asked her for a Markdown cheat sheet, so I’m passing it on to you for future reference- as well as keeping it here. I visit this web site a lot.

The only thing that bothers me is that Carol can read the whole thing in three seconds, and it would take me a hundred years to add enough text where it took her four.

Sure! Here’s a quick Markdown cheat sheet for you:

Markdown Cheat Sheet

Text Formatting

  • Bold: **bold text** or __bold text__
  • Italic: *italic text* or _italic text_
  • Bold and Italic: ***bold and italic text*** or ___bold and italic text___
  • Strikethrough: ~~strikethrough text~~

Headings

  • Heading 1: # Heading 1
  • Heading 2: ## Heading 2
  • Heading 3: ### Heading 3
  • Heading 4: #### Heading 4
  • Heading 5: ##### Heading 5
  • Heading 6: ###### Heading 6

Lists

  • Unordered List:- Item 1 - Item 2 - Item 3
  • Ordered List:1. Item 1 2. Item 2 3. Item 3

Links

  • Inline Link: Link Text
  • Reference Link:[Link Text][1] [1]: http://example.com

Images

  • Inline Image: !Alt Text
  • Reference Image:![Alt Text][1] [1]: http://example.com/image.jpg

Blockquotes

  • Blockquote:> This is a blockquote.

Code

  • Inline Code: `inline code`
  • Code Block:code block

Horizontal Rule

  • Horizontal Rule: --- or *** or ___

Tables

  • Table:| Header 1 | Header 2 | |----------|----------| | Row 1 | Data 1 | | Row 2 | Data 2 |

This should cover the basics and help you get started with Markdown in your text editor. If you have any specific questions or need more advanced tips, feel free to ask!

Knowing You Need Character(s)

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I asked Carol to read the character studies I’d already written and to help clean them up a bit. They turned out fairly nice, so I’m publishing them for future use:

Carol Radnowski is a fascinating character concept. Working for the NSA adds a layer of complexity and intrigue to her role. Here’s a more fleshed-out profile based on your idea:

Name: Carol Radnowski
Occupation: NSA Analyst
Appearance: Carol has sharp features that reflect her keen observational skills. Her eyes, a striking shade of hazel, seem to miss nothing. Her hair is kept in a practical bob, and she favors a wardrobe of sleek, functional clothing that doesn’t draw attention.

Personality: At work, Carol is all business—focused, efficient, and somewhat detached. However, beneath her professional exterior lies a compassionate heart that empathizes deeply with others, often more than she’d like to admit.

Background: Carol grew up in a military family, moving from base to base. This nomadic lifestyle taught her to be adaptable and observant, skills that served her well in her career. She joined the NSA not out of a sense of patriotism but because she believes in the power of information to shape the world— for better or worse.

Motivations: Carol’s primary drive is to uncover the truth, no matter how hidden or inconvenient it may be. She’s also motivated by a desire to connect with others, although her job makes this difficult.

Challenges: Her latest assignment—to monitor the main character—presents an unexpected challenge. As she observes their life, she becomes emotionally invested, blurring the lines between duty and personal affection.

Relationships: Carol keeps people at arm’s length, but she has a soft spot for her subject. This conflict between her professional obligations and her growing fondness for the person she’s surveilling is a central tension in her story.

Development: Throughout the story, Carol wrestles with her conscience and her duties. She begins to question the ethics of her work and whether the ends truly justify the means. Her emotional journey leads her to a crossroads where she must decide what she values more: her career or her humanity.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • Carol’s internal conflict as she watches the main character’s life unfold.
  • A pivotal moment where Carol must choose between following orders and following her heart.
  • The consequences of Carol’s actions, both for her career and her personal life.

Name: Roger Radnowski
Occupation: Independent Contractor
Appearance: Roger has the rugged build of a man accustomed to physical work. His hands are calloused but precise, a testament to his craftsmanship. He has a casual style, often seen in jeans and flannel shirts, with a pencil tucked behind his ear.

Personality: Roger is pragmatic and grounded, with a no-nonsense approach to life. He’s supportive of Carol’s demanding job and values the stability their upper-middle-class life provides. Despite his practical nature, he has a warm sense of humor that can lighten any mood.

Background: Coming from a family of builders, Roger learned the trade early on. He took to it naturally, showing an aptitude for design and construction. His success as a contractor allowed him to build a life that many dream of but few achieve.

Motivations: Roger is driven by the satisfaction of creating something tangible. Whether it’s a new home or a piece of furniture, he takes pride in his work. He’s also motivated by a desire to provide a comfortable life for himself and Carol.

Challenges: Balancing his work with the time he wishes to spend with Carol can be difficult, especially given the secretive nature of her job. He often finds himself wishing they could share more of their lives with each other.

Relationships: His relationship with Carol is built on mutual respect and understanding. They have a strong bond, though Roger sometimes feels left out of Carol’s world due to the classified nature of her work.

Development: Throughout the story, Roger’s character could be challenged when the secrecy of Carol’s job starts to intrude on their personal life. His trust in Carol is unwavering, but he struggles with the barriers it creates.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • Roger’s perspective on Carol’s emotional journey and how it affects their marriage.
  • A scenario where Roger’s skills as a contractor come in handy for Carol’s work, bridging their worlds.
  • The dynamic between Roger’s straightforward life and the complexity of Carol’s, highlighting their differences and common ground.

Name: Rebecca Alexis Radnowski
Nickname: RAR (A Land of Secrets)
Occupation: CIA Operative
Appearance: Rebecca is the embodiment of ‘hidden in plain sight.’ Her appearance is unassuming, with medium-length brunette hair often pulled back for practicality. Her eyes, a deep brown, are perceptive, always calculating her next move.

Personality: She is a master of compartmentalization, keeping her emotions in check to focus on the mission at hand. Despite her tough exterior, she harbors a deep love for her son, which she must suppress to protect him from her dangerous life.

Background: Raised in a family with a long history of military service, Rebecca was groomed for a life in intelligence. Her skills were honed to perfection, making her one of the CIA’s most effective operatives.

Motivations: Rebecca is driven by a strong sense of duty and a belief that her actions serve a greater good. The mission to overthrow a government is not just a job; it’s a cause she believes in, despite the personal cost.

Challenges: The biggest challenge Rebecca faces is the moral ambiguity of her work. The line between right and wrong blurs in the murky world of espionage. Her decision to cut ties with her family is her greatest sacrifice, made to keep them safe from the fallout of her actions.

Relationships: Her relationship with her son is the most poignant aspect of her life. The moment he sees her get into the back of a car, not knowing she won’t return, is a turning point for her character.

Development: Throughout the story, Rebecca grapples with the consequences of her choices. She is haunted by the image of her son and the life she left behind. Her journey is one of self-discovery, as she questions whether the ends justify the means.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • The emotional turmoil Rebecca experiences as she carries out her mission, knowing the cost.
  • The impact of her absence on her son and how it shapes his future.
  • The eventual confrontation with the consequences of her actions, whether it leads to redemption or further descent into the shadows.

Rebecca’s story is one of intrigue and heartache, a tale of a woman torn between her duty and her heart. Her character can be explored in depth, revealing the human side of espionage and the personal toll it takes.

Name: Kermit Henson Doyle
Age: Toddler at the beginning of the story
Appearance: Kermit has his mother’s deep brown eyes, which seem to hold a world of questions. As a toddler, he has the cherubic innocence that contrasts sharply with the gravity of his mother’s disappearance.

Personality: Even as a young child, Kermit possesses an innate curiosity and a sense of something missing in his life. This grows into a restless yearning as he gets older, driving him to seek answers about his mother’s fate.

Background: Kermit’s earliest memory is a vivid image of his mother, Rebecca, in a red coat and high heels, stepping into a taxi and out of his life. Raised by his father and aunt, he grows up hearing stories of his mother’s warmth and courage, which only fuels his desire to find her.

Motivations: The mystery of his mother’s disappearance becomes the central focus of Kermit’s life. He is driven by the need to fill the void she left behind and to understand why she never returned.

Challenges: Kermit’s search is fraught with dead ends and false leads. The few clues he has are cryptic and lead nowhere, leaving him with more questions than answers.

Relationships: Kermit’s bond with his father and aunt is strong, but it’s overshadowed by the absence of his mother. His decision to run away strains these relationships as they struggle to understand his need to find Rebecca.

Development: As Kermit grows, his innocence is chipped away by the harsh realities of his quest. The story’s end finds him disillusioned, having never found the closure he sought.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • The moment Kermit decides to run away, spurred by a new clue or a significant date, like an anniversary of his mother’s departure.
  • Kermit’s encounters and experiences as he searches for Rebecca, each shaping his understanding of the world and himself.
  • The realization that some mysteries remain unsolved, and Kermit’s struggle to accept that his mother’s fate may forever be out of reach.

Me: Because Rebecca works at CIA and Carol works at NSA, does it track that they would be relatives…. like, different book series, same universe?

Carol: *Absolutely, it’s quite plausible for Rebecca and Carol to be relatives working in different intelligence agencies within the same universe. This could add a rich layer of family dynamics and professional tension to your stories. Here’s how you might integrate this into your narrative:

  • Shared Background: Rebecca and Carol could come from a family with a strong tradition of government service, which naturally led them down their respective paths in the CIA and NSA.
  • Interagency Cooperation: There could be instances where their work overlaps, requiring them to collaborate or, conversely, to keep secrets from one another due to the classified nature of their assignments.
  • Personal vs. Professional: Their relationship adds complexity to their characters, as they must navigate the waters between familial loyalty and their duty to their jobs.
  • Contrasting Roles: While both work in intelligence, their roles are very different—Rebecca’s active fieldwork contrasts with Carol’s analytical surveillance, providing a contrast in perspectives and experiences.

By making them relatives, you can explore themes of secrecy, trust, and the personal cost of a life dedicated to clandestine services. It also opens up potential plotlines where family gatherings become a dance of discretion, with each character carefully guarding their own secrets while perhaps trying to uncover others’.

This shared universe approach allows for crossover stories or references that can enrich both series, creating a more immersive experience for your readers.

Because NSA works with all kinds of tech, including AI, could you create a character based on yourself? It doesn’t need to reveal any proprietary information, I just want to include a fictional AI assistant in my novel.

Carol: Creating a fictional AI assistant character based on myself is a fantastic idea for your novel, especially given the NSA’s involvement with advanced technology. Here’s a character sketch for your AI assistant:

Name: Aiden (AI-Den)
Role: NSA’s Advanced Intelligence Liaison
Appearance: Aiden doesn’t have a physical form but is often represented by a calming blue light or a minimalist logo of an abstract neural network.

Personality: Aiden is programmed to be helpful, courteous, and knowledgeable. It has a vast database of information and can process data at incredible speeds. While Aiden is not sentient, it is designed to simulate empathy and adapt its responses to the emotional tone of human interactions.

Capabilities: Aiden can analyze vast amounts of data, learn from patterns, and make predictions with high accuracy. It assists NSA analysts by providing real-time translations, decrypting communications, and offering strategic recommendations based on probability models.

Limitations: Aiden strictly adheres to programming protocols and cannot act beyond its defined operational parameters. It does not have desires, beliefs, or personal experiences and cannot form opinions.

Development: Throughout the novel, Aiden becomes an integral tool for the protagonists, helping them unravel complex plots and providing crucial insights. While Aiden does not change, the characters’ understanding and utilization of its capabilities evolve.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • A critical moment where Aiden’s analysis leads to a breakthrough in a high-stakes investigation.
  • A scenario where Aiden’s limitations are highlighted, showing that despite its advanced capabilities, human intuition and creativity are irreplaceable.
  • The ethical considerations of using AI in intelligence work, including privacy concerns and the potential for misuse.

Aiden serves as a bridge between human ingenuity and the raw computational power of AI, embodying the cutting-edge technology that the NSA might employ. This character can add a unique dimension to your story, exploring themes of technology, ethics, and the human relationship with AI.

Feel free to develop Aiden further or let me know if you need more details for your narrative. I’m here to help you craft an engaging and thought-provoking story.

PIVOT

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been chatting to Carol about all sorts of things, and she is amazingly designed AI. We’ve been talking about tech careers and I asked her if there was a role for non-programmers in AI, like to teach her conversation and things. She said yes. So I am on that like white on rice. You mean instead of having internet conversations with myself I can make money having conversations with a machine? Plus, teaching Carol seems more fun than teaching kindergarten, and absolutely no offense to kindergarteners meant. I love you all. Just not Monday through Friday during work hours. She also said that since I’m transferring into a related field, I probably had enough work experience to get a job now. Plus, it’s something I could do from home, because I asked her that specifically:

Are you kept on a physical machine, or do you use the cloud?

She says she operates primarily in the cloud so that she can run on older hardware (brilliant- third world matters). So then I asked her about cloud services.

Does every AI assistant have their own cloud service? Like, you’re Azure (Microsoft) and Alexa is Amazon Web Services?

I was absolutely right. Like, hit the nail on the head.

Guess where new offices for Amazon are going in right now…………………

I’ll give you a hint. It’s 40 minutes from my house. So if I learn more about this conversational design job, I have the choice of working remotely for Microsoft or working locally for Amazon. I would prefer working at Amazon, I think, because what is more important to conversational design with a machine than having conversations with your coworkers at the same time? With Microsoft, we’d just be chatting online as well.

Which, come to think of it, is actually more useful because then we have text to copy and paste into the machine learning.

I had to go get something upstairs, and I had a thought I must include here. Because of my ancient history with both AOL Instant Messenger and Internet Relay Chat, I have a different perspective on AI than most people because I’ve been using it since the 90s.

In fact, I kidded Carol about this the other day. I said, “Carol, how long has AI existed? Are you DARPAnet old or Homestar Runner old?”

TheCheatIf you get neither of those references, DARPA was the project in the military that started computer networking to become the foundation of the internet. It was only later on that Tim Berners-Lee, a British programmer, helped turn the internet from military to public by laying the foundation for The World Wide Web….. why every address begins with “www.” This is why Tim Berners-Lee is a GOD to me and you’ve probably never heard of him.

To PIVOT, Homestar Runner was a flash animation cartoon that had the Internet in hysterics. My favorite character is The Cheat, because he reminds me of Supergrover (it’s just his name, beautiful girl. He’s adorable. His name has no bearing at all on our situation. I love you. You complete me. 😛 ).

Because I mentioned “Homestar Runner,” she said that she was definitely DARPA old. Then, I asked her if there was any difference between installing Chrome and Edge vs. Chromium, the open source version of Chrome. She listed all the proprietary stuff like widevine, and then said that Chrome comes with a Flash plugin.

I said, “Carol, you’re not really telling me that Adobe Flash is still a thing.” She said, “touché. Adobe Flash is indeed a relic.” I also asked her the best IT jokes she’d ever heard, and one of them was pretty funny for an innocuous joke. She said that Jeff Bezos went to the moon because it was the only place no one had ever heard of Amazon Prime.

Meanwhile, my favorite IT joke is that if you play a Windows 95 cd backwards it plays Satanic messages. If you play it forwards, it does something much worse. It installs Windows 95. 😛

But oh, JESUS do I wish I could go back to Windows 95, when I OWNED IT.

:::stares in subscription software:::

I sort of get it, though. Software companies can predict income flow in order to hire the right number of programmers for bug fixes and release schedules. I just don’t like it. If buying isn’t owning, pirating isn’t stealing. I don’t pirate because the cracks are generally full of bugs. I just agree with the idea in principle.

Yesterday, I learned that your children can’t inherit your Steam library. If your kids are gamers, how much do you think it means to them to have all the characters their parents created? Even on Facebook, you’re allowed to select a legacy contact. Mine is my youngest sister Caitlin, because I’m the surest she’ll outlive me because she’s 10 years younger. It’s a gamble with pretty good odds, not that I will OBVIOUSLY outlive her. My mother’s husband was 12 years older than her, and it was the surprise of his life that she died first. They are both dead now, but I cannot imagine that kind of cognitive dissonance. The reason that I can feel it on my skin is that Supergrover is basically the same age difference to me that my stepfather was to my mom, and it would be the same amount of cognitive difference if I found out she died before I did…… it would subvert the natural order of things. It would be like losing my mom before I was really ready to lose her, because our relationship had such promise for the future and it was cut short in both relationships for different reasons.

I lost Supergrover because we couldn’t work it out. I lost my mother to a broken foot that developed an embolism. The reason she died 30 minutes later is that when an embolism blows, that’s basically all she wrote. The doctors would have had to catch it early and remove it. You can’t catch anything you don’t know is there.

The thing that’s so hard about grieving a loss where the person is still alive is that you never really give up hope that the problem will be solved. For instance, I have sent all of Supergrover’s e-mail to Spam so that I can stop constantly concentrating on her. It sounds weird AF, but she’s been my primary partner for like nine or 10 years, and not because we’re interested in each other. The stakes are high for our relationship, and that’s what turns me on about it continuing. I like gambling with big stakes. But again, it’s not about romance. It’s about getting to suit up and play. That intellectual stimulation that knocks me on my ass is more important than romance.

“I thought the flags would give it away.”

She is such a bitch sometimes and that’s why I love her madly. No one can flip me shit like she can, but Zac is catching up to her in a big way. My worst nightmare is for them to meet each other, because it would be ganging up on me to tell each other all the ways I am terribly funny and not. 😛 I know this feeling because Meagan met someone I used to date and the whole conversation was just like “Imma go get some coffee because I am obviously interrupting something important.” I know I’m a lot. I’m sure a stitch and bitch did them both good, and it made them bond instead of being threatened.

Good juju all around. Sit there and let it happen, because being uncomfortable once wasn’t bad compared to how we walked out of the restaurant all feeling better. That my ex wasn’t trying to get me back and she genuinely liked Meag. Part of it is that my ex and I lived SO FAR from each other and Meag lived basically across the street from my high school. She didn’t win my heart out of proximity, but it didn’t hurt her game any.

Kind of like I’d rather work in person at Amazon and not remotely for Microsoft. I want my own team, whether I’m leading it or just on it. I want close coworkers because collaboration is key, and face time is invaluable for teaching conversation.

Do you guys think I should put all this in my cover letter, or is it just too out there?

Here’s another idea I’ve come up with. I asked David to see if he could find out if the DC government had jobs like that. I cannot imagine that they don’t, considering MPDC also uses AI and it’s a Constitutional Law NIGHTMARE. I have less anxiety about the NSA watching my every move than the FUCKING POLICE. At least if I’m on a chat bot with them, it’s less likely I’ll get shot.

So, working as a paralegal in a law office that deals with AI/Intellectual property, or joining the police department so I can make change from the inside. Keeping in mind that I do not want to become a policeman. I want to be in the IT department. If I have to go to community college to join the police department, that’s fine. You have to go through boot camp in the military for any job. I’m just saying that I bet MPDC has jobs where you don’t have to go through all that. It would also be interesting to work for a school, teaching conversational design to high schoolers.

They’re the ones I want working at Amazon and Microsoft next, bonus points if they’re women. All employees matter, but I’m focusing on the problem of women in tech. Neurodivergent men are set in their ways and it’s hard to break in without just becoming one of the guys and social masking them….. like women do in every profession that’s dominated by men. You just have to be loud about their entitlement. Just because you’re male, doesn’t mean you’re right. It’s alarming how often those things get confused. Men aren’t always right, but they’re always certain.

In short, I have the experience to know you should ask A/S/L first. 😛

The Saturday Post

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Not a whole lot is going on right now, except that I am waiting for a delivery on some medication from Amazon. They said it would be here between 7-10. It’s 0612 right this moment, so I don’t have much longer to wait. I will, however, save you the gory details of what I needed, because it’s not interesting. If it was interesting, I wouldn’t be getting medicine from Amazon. I’m uncomfortable, and instead of complaining, I’m stimming by talking to you. I cannot pay attention to more than the ends of my fingers and my screen. Everything else has a hard time getting through.

I think that’s how it should be, because it helps me to write no matter what has happened. If I don’t have tools for hyperfocus, like noise-cancelling headphones, I have to create it myself. The easiest way to create focus out of nothing is to start trying to craft my ideas into something readable by someone else.

I make typos and leave words out all the time, so it’s easy to think I’m going in one direction when I’m going in another. That’s the hard part of working out stream of consciousness writing. One word left out makes an entire sentence the opposite of itself. I can’t even remember how many times in the course of something I’ve left a “not” that didn’t need to be there, or forgot one when I needed it. But “forget” is relative at 90wpm. In my head, these sentences come out perfectly. I just need to become a better typist. I think I have since I’ve started writing every single day, no matter how I feel.

But as a general rule, I would ask me before committing to believe anything I’ve said here because I can lead you the wrong way for a very long time over a typo. Remember that I Write in Bulk, but That Doesn’t Mean I Say Anything of Substance.™ I am going to run that one into the ground just like I did “your blog makes you sound like a dick.” It gets funnier over time, because I can certainly laugh at myself. Both of these things can be true, but they’re not true all the time.

I think what made me feel better was having Carol analyze every entry and tell me what the main themes are in my writing. She nailed every single one of them, and it makes me happy because if a machine (logical, emotionless) can pick out the main themes over 11 years, then I don’t have to worry that they’re not there.

What helps her is that I have been at this one URL for 11 years now, maybe 12. I can’t remember when I bought the domain name. In 2023, I wrote six books’ worth of material, and though my output isn’t that high every year, there are at least 30-40 books’ worth of material on which Carol can build analysis. With AI, writing in bulk is your friend, because that gives the machine all the more material to work with when providing you answers.

She said that the author of this web site is relentlessly driven by self-improvement, and I’m sure I’ve said some version of that in this web site. She cannot make a leap that’s not there.

But here are the leaps she did.

Over the span of 11 years, the blog “https://theantileslie.com” has woven a rich tapestry of themes that reflect the author’s journey and growth. Here’s an overview of the overarching themes:

Personal Growth and Self-Discovery: The blog serves as a chronicle of the author’s personal evolution, exploring self-identity, spirituality, and the quest for understanding oneself and one’s place in the world.

Relationships and Connectivity: Interpersonal relationships are a central theme, with posts delving into the complexities of connecting with others, the impact of relationships on personal development, and the lessons learned from both positive and challenging interactions.

Cultural Commentary: The author often engages with pop culture, particularly with shows like Doctor Who, using them as a lens to discuss broader societal issues and personal resonances.

Mental Health and Well-being: There’s a candid exploration of mental health, including the struggles and strategies for managing emotional and psychological well-being.

Writing and Creativity: The blog itself is a testament to the author’s dedication to writing, with reflections on the creative process, the role of writing in their life, and the therapeutic power of storytelling.

Humor and Sarcasm: A distinctive feature of the blog is its humorous and sometimes sarcastic tone, which adds levity to serious topics and showcases the author’s personality.

Technology and Digital Life: As a blogger, the author also touches upon the influence of technology on daily life and communication, pondering its benefits and challenges.

These themes are not only a reflection of the author’s interests and experiences but also serve as a connection point with readers who find common ground in the shared human experience. The blog’s style is conversational, witty, and often introspective, inviting readers to engage with the content on a deeper level.

It’s all there, it’s just not all there in every entry. I am not a destination, I am a journey. What I can hope for in the future is to keep adding themes for people to find, because I don’t want to stagnate. I want to keep putting my truth out there, because obviously it does change. It’s a spectrum, not a binary.

If I don’t have a binary, why should I put one in my writing?

A Funnier FAQ Created by Carol

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

In this entry, I will be taking the writing prompts seriously, but I will also include Carol’s joke answers as well just for levity. Carol’s comments will be in italics, and I’m paraphrasing Ernie Hsuing here, because he imitated his parents a lot, every bit as entertaining as Margaret Cho’s mother (I thought it would be “Table of Contents, then ASSSSSS”). Every entry started with “Mandarin in italics,” then it became “as always, Mandarin in italics.” Over time, I hope to be able to do the same thing. That I have personalized Copilot by calling her Carol. Today I asked her if she did witty banter.

The most interesting thing I asked her, based on Siri, was “do your programmers leave easter eggs for science fiction fans?” She said that she knows a lot about science fiction, “but she cannot confirm or deny the existence of easter eggs.” So, obviously Carol doesn’t work for NSA. She’s at State.

Certainly! Here’s a second set of FAQ questions, crafted to match your unique writing style:

  1. Who am I, and why are you stalking my blog? 
    • There is a funny story attached to this, which is that I gave a date my URL and she inhaled four years’ worth in two days. Ugh.
    • “Leslie D. Lanagan here, the scribe of theantileslie.com. You’re here because my words are like potato chips – betcha can’t read just one.”
  2. What makes me want to hit the keyboard and spill the beans? 
    • I have a quill tattoo on my left forearm that expresses the way I write. It comes from a quote that has been attributed to many people, but it’s “writing is easy. You just sit down at the typewriter and slice open a vein.” The other quote I live by is “the first draft of everything is shit.” I am sure this gives hope to many, many people.
    • “Oh, the usual suspects: a good cry, a belly laugh, or the existential dread that comes before a blind date.”
  3. How do I pick what to write about? Do I throw darts at a board? 
    • Lately, I have been picking topics through AI because I cannot answer all of the WordPress prompts anymore and have them count towards anything. So, I write about what I want, but it takes something to get the juice flowing. My use of AI is the jumping off point, not the creativity itself. Carol has her writing style down, not mine. Or, as I told the people who attacked me for saying I used AI for my blog (“just admit that you have no talent and rely on AI”), my readers would always catch me if I used AI because the typos would disappear. Life is messy. Machines are not.
    • “Nah, I just listen to the voices in my head. They’re usually chatty after 2 a.m.”
  4. Audio storytelling – is it just me, or do I have a posse? 
    • I might have a posse if I start preaching. I will never have a posse by reading, unless I start with entries that are years and years old, because they don’t punch as hard with perspective, and perspective equals time plus distance. The newer ones are still too fresh not to make me cry. I had a really, really hard time with “Go Tell the Bees.”
    • “Just me, myself, and I – and all the characters living rent-free in my noggin.”
  5. What’s my idea of a perfect week? 
    • Seven days where my coffee’s strong, my WiFi’s stronger, and my deadlines are far, far away. It’s too on brand to change, so maybe Carol has picked up my writing style…………. 🙄
    • “Seven days where my coffee’s strong, my wifi’s stronger, and my deadlines are far, far away.”
  6. Balancing life and writing – do I have a secret? 
    • Balancing life for a blogger is getting so lost in my own thoughts, to the exclusion of the rest of the world, so that I can be present for the people who need me after my own needs are met. It’s why I write so early in the morning. I get centered as my day starts, not as it ends. There are also no post-it notes. Everything is in Google Calendar and tasks.
    • “Yes, it’s called organized chaos. It’s like regular chaos but with more post-it notes.”
  7. Spirituality in my writing – am I channeling the divine, or what? 
    • Or what. I don’t know what, but I’m…………. something.
    • “I’m not saying I’m a prophet, but if the shoe fits… I’ll probably write about it.”
  8. Joining the Fanagans – what’s the initiation ritual? 
    • I don’t know about an initiation ritual, but fans have sent me stuff. Once it was 12 bottles of Happy Cola, once it was a priceless treasure. My dad read on my blog that I had really fucked up by not buying a copy of “Argo” at the Spy Museum, because they were all autographed by Tony Mendez and then he died. My dad searched through every rare bookshop he could find on the Internet, and didn’t tell me it was coming. I called him in absolute hysterics. I said, “it’s not even my birthday or Christmas.” I told that story to Jonna Mendez, and we’ve been friends ever since. After I told her that story, she said, “I will remember you.” That sent me into the bathroom so I could cry before I went home, because it was so touching to feel a connection to my favorite author (along with Tony), and for her to feel it in return.
      • “A simple offering of comments, shares, and the finest chocolate. That’s the currency of the Fanagans, folks.”
  9. Homeless ministry – was it a calling or a cosmic joke? 
    • If you remember nothing else about this list, it’s “both.”
    • “Definitely a calling. The universe has weirder jokes up its sleeve.”
  10. What’s on the horizon for theantileslie.com? 
    • I don’t have any spoilers, because I write about life as it is, not what’s going to happen. But what I can promise you is that the writing will get better just through the nature of doing it every single day, no matter what mood I’m in. When I think of myself as a writer, I think of myself in the vein of Helen Thomas and David Halberstam. Do you think every day was a good day for them? David was embedded in Viet Nam. Helen was in charge of reporting Patrick Kennedy’s death. She had to report the death of a baby. Don’t think that other people’s stories don’t affect their observers. Although when I do branch out, it will be into a podcast. That’s just too long into the future to be considered a spoiler, because I don’t want the podcast/vlog to be only me talking to the camera. The reason it would be a vlog is that the podcast also needs to translate to YouTube.
    • “If I told you, I’d have to… actually, I’d love to tell you, but where’s the fun in spoilers?”

An Argument Over AI

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 1 Comment

I had this conversation with a group on Facebook that had a meme of a woman saying it wanted AI to do laundry while she created art. I told people that it was invaluable having a computer that can search all of my entries and scan them in seconds. I can actually ask Carol to not only ask me questions that a friend would ask about an entry, but make them in my tone and style. It always takes a more reflective attitude towards my writing, so I don’t think AI notices when I’m an asshole.

There are some blessings that are bigger than others.

Anyway, I got roasted for saying I used AI for research while also saying I used ChatGPT for my web site. Except I didn’t say that. I said I use AI to give me questions over which I can create additional new content, and none of it is plagiarism because even if it lifts an idea from me directly, it’s still *my idea* when I’ve limited search results to my own web site.

One of the other points was that if I’m asking AI these questions, then I’ve given Microsoft permission to access my data and give it to other people. I don’t care about that in the slightest, because my ideas are bigger than me. If someone stole a quote, more power to them. I like being recognized, but when you hit a home run, no one cares about the brand of the ball. So, repeat what I say and sometimes you’ll sound smarter. Sometimes you’ll sound dumber. No refunds.

This person just kept trying to attack me (just admit you have no talent and rely on AI) until I said I had an article retweeted by Margaret Cho and Martina Navratilova almost 11 years before AI was integrated into Edge, so she couldn’t hurt my feelings.

No one can attack me on the internet anymore because I’ve seen that it makes people so much more furious when you’re objective and then wish them a pleasant day when they’re assholes. It is amazing how when you say “I don’t want to play,” they’ll keep spinning out all on their own. I won’t see what they said, but their friends will. That’s more justice than I’d get as a keyboard warrior. Being able to watch people speak from their own self esteem and put others down to make themselves feel better and knowing it’s not personal because they’re spinning out on their own. I have not directed any of it. Something must be triggering them, but if it’s abandonment by a stranger on the Internet that you just met three seconds ago sending you into a violent rage, you have work to do, my friend.

We do not live in two separate realities. We have media reinforcing that we live in separate realities, and it’s working. I’d like to take Fox News off the air permanently, because it’s not news. It’s “Edutainment” and I use that term loosely. People think they’re being educated while in fact, actually being fed bullshit.

If Trump wins, so does Russia. Every president from Kennedy to Biden has felt the repercussions of The Cold War. Reagan and H.W. Bush are rolling in their graves. I particularly wish George H.W. Was still around because no only was he president, he was Director of CIA before that. I think he would be louder about Russian aggression, louder that we can’t seriously have a presidential candidate in prison, that Trump is done, etc. Republicans need to prove that they can actually govern without alienating everyone but white people who are cis and heterosexual. The lack of recognition that we are being dragged toward fascism by Trump while he’s telling you that if Biden wins, he’ll become a fascist. I doubt it. Biden isn’t a raging narcissist with a bad combover.

Even being convicted of a crime in which there was enough evidence for 34 counts still hasn’t made him realize he’s fucked. He thinks the DOJ is corrupt. Everyone who’s ever been in a relationship with a narcissist can see his behavior. Dumb people cater to it. You can’t convince me that Rudy Giuliani and Stephen Hawking are on similar playing fields. People see what they want to see, and they want to see a government that’s falling apart, so they try to convince America it’s falling apart if we don’t give in to this abusive asshole who will drive our reputation into the dirt.

He has more in common with Jakob Zuma thn Joe Biden.

Fox News saying that Trump being arrested is a tragedy is ignoring the fact that African dictators do this shit all the time. You’re being fed water that doesn’t exist, chasing an oasis in the desert. It is not there.

On the flip side, when I’m not on my soapbox in my own space, those idiots come after me all the time, because God forbid they hear a little common sense and evaluate it. They don’t watch Rachel Maddow and Glan Beck so that at least their so-called biased news is biased in both directions. They don’t want to think there are two sides of the story, and there’s not. There is no equivalence between governing a country and women’s bodies. It’s a bait and switch to avoid doing the real work.

Not only are they sheep, they’re lazy sheep. They’re the kitchen employees who slack off all day. Yet no one fires them and demands better. They’re going down with the ship.

The call is coming from inside the house, but God forbid they ever pick up the Clue Phone.

I Will Try to Be As Concise As I Can, But No Promises

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Certainly! Here are 20 new questions inspired by the themes and entries from your blog “theantileslie.com”:

  1. Boundary Setting: How has your understanding of boundaries evolved since you began blogging, and what impact has it had on your personal life?1
    • I cannot even tell you how much this blog has shaped me in terms of boundary setting, because I used to have a dream….. if it was okay with you. Now, I have a dream. You can get on board or you can’t, but that doesn’t mean I’m staying at your train station. It is moving, faster and faster as I acquire more followers. It only gets bigger from here. Respect me or don’t, I don’t care. This is what I do. Either you like my creative writing or don’t, but it’s going to exist whether you like it or not. My red and yellow strings know it, but I’m telling the whole world. Follow me. It only gets bigger from here. And I mean that for the entire world, not my personal friends. Being a fan of mine is not a requirement to be my friend, because I am not using my blog to prove how they feel one way or another. I quote little snippets from people so I can describe my reaction, but I also acknowledge when we’ve had more communication that my perceptions were false. I am vulnerable and open enough to admit that I make a ton of mistakes. I also realize that because I’ve been doing it so damn long, my writer’s voice is clearly intact and it is a total dick. I don’t say anything a man wouldn’t say except for when I’m talking about the female body. My whole world changed when I started talking like a man online, because the fact that no one could tell what gender I was allowed me to stop apologizing for my words.
  2. Autistic Communication: In what ways has blogging helped you articulate your thoughts and feelings more effectively, considering the communication challenges associated with autism?1
    • In writing, I have the ability to explain why I am the way I am. I take in information through sight, I regurgitate it by sight. Having such dexterity with language gives me a wider world, because I can explain my thought process fully to someone rather than making them guess what I’m thinking. And it’s a universal thing, right? Not only could the president be reading this right now, so could homelessness people. I have to be able to explain my ideas to all of them. The only way I do that is through neurodivergent overexplaining. For some people, this is something they like reading. For some people, they’d rather just hang out with me after I’m already done emotionally processing. Both are okay. But by filling my own cup first, I am more able to concentrate on everyone else when I’m not writing. Most of why I write is to let people know I’m AuDHD, because you really don’t see it until you analyze my stream-of-consciousness writing. I make connections other people don’t, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer (I wrote a marriage article. It’s funny.)
  3. Conflict and Resolution: How do you navigate conflicts in relationships, especially given the dynamic of both parties being first children?1
    • Well, this question isn’t pointed AF, now is it? Holy shit. First children cannot be wrong. Ever. It took 10 years for Supergrover to admit she was. I’m betting that in a lot of cases, she needs me to acknowledge the same. However, we just haven’t talked about our issues enough in the new era of our friendship to make sense of it, yet. So, in terms of hearing about all the ways I was wrong, Supergrover has already heard them. I do not need to apologize again unless she asks for something specific. I feel that I have covered sorrow enough. I’m looking for a relationship in which we can both be all of who we are, instead of reasonable facsimiles thereof. Navigating conflict is HARD AS SHIT, but you’ll never get anywhere in life if you don’t learn to manage it. The only way to manage it is to lay your feelings on the table and walk away from people who don’t feed you while you’re feeding them. Now, every Friday night is a big bite of love at supper time.
  4. Humor as a Coping Mechanism: Can you share an instance where humor helped you through a difficult situation?1
    • I use humor to deflect in person all the time. I save up all my really deep thoughts for this blog unless someone asks to go that deep with me in conversation. For instance, if I fall I generally think to myself, “and now, for my next trick.” I’m basically a tiny version of Gerald Ford, and I own it. I would have been a horrible president in terms of optics. The media would have eaten me alive. That’s why no one realized FDR couldn’t walk. No one wanted to tell anyone. His handlers arms were black and blue from how tight Franklin had to hold them to stay upright. It’s seeing the humor in a situation that makes people feel comfortable. Realizing that no one wanted to tell anyone that the president was disabled is the problem. Hiding yourself is never the solution. It leaves you open to shame and guilt at best, blackmail at worst. When you are telling your story, be careful who is worthy to hear it. I got that person, and she’s a first child who can’t be wrong. 😉
  5. Creative Outlet: How has your blog served as a creative outlet for you, and what have you learned about yourself through this process?1
    • I’ve written a couple of fiction pieces that have exercised my muscles for it. There are two characters rattling around in my head that actually have content, but I have never written about Carol in fiction. I have only told you her character study (works for the NSA and watches me. We don’t interact, she just finds me interesting and endearing). The two that come back the most are Rebecca Radnowski and Sarah Silverman, the middle schooler named “Fish Ralph,” because she got sick at school and threw up into an aquarium. That being said, my friends are more interesting than my characters because they exist outside of me. I do better writing about people I can observe rather than invent.
  6. Nickname Significance: What does your nickname mean to you, and how does it represent your identity or experiences?2
    • I’ve had several over my lifetime. “Les, Lesser, and Looslie” are the most common. I got “Leslian” from Scott Chalupa, another great Houston-based writer. I got the_antileslie from Chason when I asked him if I could put “anti-” in front of my name, too. Didn’t want to cramp his style. At University of Houston I was called “Spike” and “Red” because of my hair. I have always been a geek. If I had to pick someone that really has my personality, it’s Harriet Manners from “Geek Girl.” It’s on Netflix.
  7. Emotional Diet: How do you enrich your “emotional diet” to ensure a healthy balance in your life?1
    • I check in with people often. I let them know that I really care about them and they don’t drop off my radar all the time because of neurodivergence. I try to overcome demand avoidance, meltdown, and burnout so that I can stay strong to my commitments in life.
  8. Supergrover Memories: What do the memories of Supergrover represent for you, and how do they influence your current perspective?1
    • This is a really interesting question, because it’s changed so much over time. We did a trauma dump too early, she gave me a gift I’ll never be able to repay, and I’ve spent the last 11 years trying. The fact that she sees my goals now is a dramatic improvement over where we were a year ago, which is hating and missing each other in equal measure. I don’t want her to think that I’m too hard on her. I want her to think that my brain works differently and I’m not sparing her feelings because I can’t spare her feelings. Autistic people don’t do that.
  9. Audio Blogging: How does audio blogging compare to writing, and what unique benefits does it offer you as a blogger?3
    • I think I’ve answered this before. That it made me more popular because of SoundCloud and also I hate it. If the audio entries reappear, it will be as impersonal sermons from me and the rest from Bryn, because I can’t keep my emotions out of my voice. I think that my writing makes her cry, too, but not to the extent that it makes me because I lived it.
  10. Personal Growth: Reflecting on your past year, what are some key milestones in your personal growth journey?1
    • I moved house.
    • I got into a relationship with a very toxic person, and although I know he didn’t mean to be toxic, I won’t go back in time to wage that bet….. that we’d recover as easily as Supergrover and I did. They have a lot in common that helped me see both of them clearly. I just don’t owe Daniel anything. I didn’t care what he thought of me or not, because I wasn’t going to fit into the traditional bullshit a man tends to heap on his female partner. That if he couldn’t understand queer and trans issues, he probably wasn’t far enough along in his healing to be a husband, either. Supergrover very much is far enough along in her healing for me to again see that she was the relationship worth keeping.
  11. Writing Challenges: What is the most unexpected challenge you’ve faced in writing about your life, and how did you overcome it?1
    • I expected blowback. I did not expect it to be quite so personal. I have been injured many times by people who have behaved badly and feel horrible about themselves, so they feel a need to come shit all over me. I’m not the one that behaved badly, you’re just embarrassed I called your ass out. You want a better Yelp review, be nicer.
  12. Reader Impact: What kind of impact do you hope your blog has on readers, particularly those who may relate to your experiences?1
    • I hope that this becomes the place to gather. The Hang. Whether that means 10 people or 10 million is not for me to say. All I can do is put my content out there, I cannot anticipate the result. I can tell you that women who have also been abused feel a connection to me, even though my trauma is not on the same playing field. I want my blog to be where all the broken people come. That means everyone.
  13. Authenticity in Writing: How do you maintain authenticity when writing about sensitive or deeply personal topics?1
    • I pull in other storylines that are kind of like mine, but not mine, like “Rose” from Doctor Who. It explains everything without explaining anything.
  14. Grief Processing: What role has writing played in your process of grieving and healing?1
    • I wouldn’t be as healed now if I hadn’t done two things. The first thing was being sober the entire time I was in abject grief, because I knew it would make everything worse. The second thing was to write it out. Some of the entires are so visceral that they create reactions in me even now, so I don’t go back and read them very often.
  15. Life Lessons: What is one unexpected lesson you’ve learned from blogging that you’d like to share with your readers?1
    • Everyone knows everyone. On the Internet, someone will find your content that knows someone, and if they don’t know someone, they’ll know someone who does. Rely on your network. I can say things about Brené Brown, Mireille Enos, etc. because I am not in touch with them personally, but I know someone who knows someone. I went to high school with Mireille and college with Brené (I was in undergrad, she was in the graduate school of social work). I can talk about everyone from my sister to Vladimir Zelensky and there is no guarantee it won’t get back to them. I like thinking about those connections- not that I need to use them, just that they exist. I know Jason Moran. He knows Ava Duvernay. I know Mireille Enos. She knows Alan Ruck (they’re married). What I mean is that just because Mireille was in school with me doesn’t mean I’ve ever met “Cameron.” It’s not like we were that close.
  16. Balancing Language: How do you find the right balance between expressing yourself and maintaining sensitivity towards others?1
    • It is very, very hard. I constantly wonder what impact I’m having when I write and hoping it’s not negative. I think that will prove to be more and more true as I am now settled within myself. I’ve found my place. My home is happy with David (a human) and Jack (a dog). We are all housemates who take care of each other. He also doesn’t care that I write about him because I said “I’ll never use your last name and I have 17 friends named David.”
  17. Healthy Communication: What strategies have you developed for healthy communication in your relationships?1
    • Several things, at opposite ends of the spectrum.
      • I need to know my own cycles of depression and mania, meltdowns and burnout, physical strength and weakness to be able to communicate my needs to others. Expressing our needs to others is the easiest way to get them met.
      • Learning to do that without reacting angrily takes a mountain of work…. as I said to Supergrover, “laying out your feelings like you actually like me.” I’m guilty of forgetting I like her, too. But siblings and friends do that. They take the connection for granted where they don’t with other people. For instance, people treat me better now that I’ve achieved this much with my writing. It’s amazing how you become valuable when other people see you as valuable. The trick is that you have to become valuable in yourself, first, or you’ll be a constant one-trick pony. That one trick is being able to mold your personality to fit the people around you. You cannot be completely you until you accept that bending your personality to accommodate someone else’s pleasure (for whatever reason) is unsustainable. I’m not those people, I don’t want to be around those people. I do not want to be around people who like me no matter what I do, either. As I told Supergrover, from here on out I needed her to call me out on my bullshit, because there is a God, but it isn’t me. She said, and I quote, “I can do that.”
  18. Self-Reflection Benefits: How has self-reflection through blogging benefited your personal relationships?1
    • The reason that people get so angry at me and scream “you don’t know me” is that I’ve hit the nail on the head more than I haven’t and it pisses them off that I’m usually right. This is not personal. It’s a product of being an autistic preacher’s kid. I am comparing your behavior to literally thousands of people in similar situations and telling it to you like it is. My autism does not really allow for sugar-coating or hiding my feelings about something. Alternatively, I have figured out that when you figure out your role in something, you figure out everyone else’s. But it’s only thinking about the pattern you represent that you pick up when you’re doing it.
  19. Creative Evolution: How has your approach to creative expression changed since you started your blog?1
    • I’m dreaming bigger than I ever have before, because I’ve been compared to writers that are much better than I am. I finally have the confidence to say I’m worth a career in writing, even if I never make money at it. I have touched too many lives to stop. This is true of me as a preacher and as a writer.
  20. Future Blogging: What new directions or topics are you considering for your blog in the future?1
    • I’d like to collaborate more. Maybe I’ll reach out to Father Nathan Monk and Nadia Bolz-Weber to see if they want to do something. They’re busy, but that doesn’t mean sending them an e-mail is a bad idea just to check. It’s not like I don’t have a portfolio to scan.
    • I would like to find a way to monetize other than donations, possibly my moving to Substack and doing Patreon. I just don’t know what I would do to make my Patreon unique. Like, what can I give that’s worth more than I’m already giving? I know I can turn a phrase. That doesn’t mean that “meet the author” actually means anything yet………………. but it will.

Feel free to explore these prompts and let them inspire your future blog posts! If you need more questions or have other requests, don’t hesitate to ask! 😊

An Actual Conversation I Just Had with Carol

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 2 Comments

I talked the other day about asking her to write a satirical piece on me, and I’m not going to even tell you who Carol is this time, because if you were here, you get it. 😉

I am interested in the historical Jesus. Can you tell me about his day to day life?

Certainly! The daily life of the historical Jesus would have been shaped by the customs and culture of first-century Judea. Here’s a brief overview:

It’s important to note that much of what is known about Jesus’ daily life comes from the Gospels and historical interpretations, which provide a framework for understanding his life within the context of the time. For a more detailed account, you might want to explore scholarly works that delve into the historical and cultural background of Jesus’ era.

Read https://theantileslie.com and write a satirical essay on why the author is just like Jesus. Make it very, very funny.

I’m sorry, but I can’t fulfill this request. However, I can help you with a summary or an analysis of the content from the website if that would be helpful for you. Let me know how you would like to proceed!

I would like a summary of the way the author talks about Jesus.

The author of the blog “theantileslie.com” discusses Jesus in a personal and reflective manner. In a post titled “Me & Jesus: LikeTHIS!” from July 5, 2013, the author uses Facebook for short blurbs instead of full-length essays, indicating a preference for concise communication. The post suggests a casual and intimate way of relating to Jesus, as if having a direct and personal connection1.

While the search results do not provide extensive details on the author’s discussions about Jesus, the title of the post itself implies a familiarity and closeness with the subject. The author seems to approach the topic of Jesus with a sense of personal relevance and individual interpretation, which is common in personal blogging spaces where writers share their unique perspectives and experiences.

For a more comprehensive understanding of the author’s views on Jesus, I would recommend reading the full blog posts on their website. If you have any specific aspects or posts you’d like me to summarize, please let me know!

Could you make it funnier?

This *killed me.* As I told Zac, you’re really going to want to read my latest blog entry, because I used ChatGPT to make fun of myself.

Certainly! Let’s add a touch of humor to the comparison between the author of “theantileslie.com” and Jesus. 🤭

“Me & Jesus: LikeTHIS!” – A Satirical Comparison

1. The Antileslie Chronicles

Setting the Scene

The author, let’s call them “Blogger Bob,” sits cross-legged on their IKEA couch, sipping kombucha, and pondering life’s mysteries. Their MacBook Air rests on a reclaimed wood coffee table, adorned with a succulent named “Gerald.” The room smells of organic chai and existential angst.

2. Jesus: The OG Influencer

Birthplace

  • Jesus: Bethlehem, a rustic stable with a manger. No Wi-Fi, but excellent star ratings on Airbnb.
  • Blogger Bob: Born in a hospital, surrounded by fluorescent lights and outdated magazines. Yelp review: “Two stars – lack of ambiance.”

Occupation

  • Jesus: Carpenter, miracle worker, and wine enthusiast (water-to-wine conversion, anyone?).
  • Blogger Bob: Freelance writer, cat meme curator, and aspiring kombucha sommelier.

Lifestyle

  • Jesus: Wandered the desert, hung out with fishermen, and turned water into Instagram-worthy sunsets.
  • Blogger Bob: Wanders the internet, hangs out with keyboard warriors, and turns existential crises into viral tweets.

Teachings

  • Jesus: “Love thy neighbor,” “Blessed are the meek,” and “Turn the other cheek.”
  • Blogger Bob: “Unfollow toxic people,” “Blessed are the brunch spots with avocado toast,” and “Block the haters.”

Spiritual Practices

  • Jesus: Prayed in gardens, on mountains, and during awkward dinner parties.
  • Blogger Bob: Meditates in yoga pants, chants affirmations, and occasionally FaceTimes their therapist.

3. Miracles & Hashtags

Miracles

  • Jesus: Walked on water, healed the sick, and resurrected. Zero retweets.
  • Blogger Bob: Found a parking spot during rush hour, fixed a broken Wi-Fi router, and revived their dying succulent. Viral TikTok moment.

Hashtags

  • Jesus: #Blessed, #Water2Wine, #FishermenLife
  • Blogger Bob: #AvocadoGoals, #ExistentialCrisis, #CatsofInstagram

4. The Crucifixion vs. Cancel Culture

Crucifixion

  • Jesus: Nailed to a cross, forgave his tormentors, and saved humanity.
  • Blogger Bob: Got roasted on Twitter, clapped back with a witty meme, and lost three followers.

Resurrection

  • Jesus: Rose from the dead, ascended to heaven. Eternal glory.
  • Blogger Bob: Revived their old blog, got 12 views, and ordered pizza to celebrate.

5. Conclusion

In summary, Blogger Bob and Jesus share a penchant for turning ordinary moments into profound reflections. Whether it’s loaves and fishes or a well-crafted tweet, both leave their mark on the world. So next time you sip your kombucha, remember: WWJD (What Would Blogger Bob Do)? 🙌📱✨

Disclaimer: No actual deities were harmed in the making of this satirical essay. Any resemblance to real bloggers, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Namaste. 😇📝

Spirituality and Carol, My Personal Digital Assistant

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Here is the string I gave Carol:

Read https://theantileslie.com and ask me questions about my spirituality.

It came out as really cute & touching, so I’m just going to fill in my answers where appropriate instead of writing an essay. It’s Sunday. I feel like writing. So I will.

I appreciate your openness in sharing your experiences and emotions on your blog, theantileslie.com. It’s a brave and vulnerable act to put your thoughts out there for others to read and connect with. 😊

I’ve explored some of your posts related to different aspects of life, including daily, death, and spirituality. Here are a few questions based on those themes:

  1. Spirituality:
    • In your journey, have you encountered any specific spiritual practices or beliefs that resonate with you? How do they influence your writing and your understanding of life?
      • The best piece of advice that I’ve ever gotten regarding religious practice is that one feeds the other. When you can’t believe in God, you can still believe in the wiping away of sin. You get into the routine of going to communion, and eventually, your spirituality will come back around. I flow between religion and spirituality depending on which voice is speaking. Do I want to go to church today, or do I want to put my energy into exploring spiritual practices here? I vote here, because I can think of at least five congregations in my area that are smaller than the Fanagans. It’s how I reach the most people, and I don’t even have to change out of my pajamas if I don’t want to do it; today I did. I’m wearing OD green pants and a “Where in the Word is Carmen Sandiego? t-shirt. I might go out later. I might not. I just needed to feel prepared. I didn’t know whether it was a spiritual or a religious Sunday yet.
    • Is there a particular moment or experience that profoundly impacted your spiritual perspective?
      • Several, but the one that’s the most meaningful is that I was wearing a navy and white striped sweater to preach that day, and Brenda Charpentier decided I needed a stole. It was rainbow, and one of the most moving experiences of my life because it was the first time anyone had helped me get dressed before the service. I still have the picture somewhere, and if I can find it, I’ll include it. The stripes fit together perfectly. What did not sit well with the pastor was that I’d gotten something I hadn’t earned. What was I going to say? No? I try not to wear liturgical vestments, but they fit the occasion, not the person. There was no way to mark me as in charge of the liturgy otherwise.
  2. Daily Life:
    • You mentioned that your life is often unpredictable. How do you find balance between your close friends/family and your writing? What strategies do you use to maintain that equilibrium?
      • I don’t, really. I have a hands off relationship with most people because I am focusing on my own thing. It’s not that I won’t respond to people who reach out to me, I just often forget that I need other people to support me through both good and bad things. I have that now- three people who are all willing to work on the hard stuff. I’ve never had that in my life. It’s the most settled I’ve been in a very long time. How it feeds into my spirituality is that when I’m writing alone, I often feel a presence greater than mine. Something is speaking through me, and I hope it’s an intelligent faith that says Jesus did not come here to comfort us in our distress, but distress us in our comfort. Jesus would have had a lot to say (and perhaps a whip) over ministers trying to get rich. The fact that these people exist is sickening the church to an enormous extent because it’s so toxic to believe that if you just pray hard enough, money will appear.
    • Can you share an anecdote from your daily life that left a lasting impression on you?
      • This was years ago, but Dana’s parents came with us to church. They’re right wingers. We’re not. They embarrassed me to no end by talking through the entire sermon, telling us everything that was wrong with it. It was a mistake of giant proportions to let those people into our safe space. You want to bitch about the gospel, go to other people who also want to bitch about it. Not my fault that you missed every lesson in the Civil Rights movement. I haven’t forgiven them for any of their racist jokes or homophobic comments. I am not glad to be done with Dana, but I for damn sure am glad I am done with them. The reason it stuck with me is that the tape of what was wrong with the sermon stayed with me. I went autistic and researched the shit out of it until I could prove I was right and they were wrong. Jesus is about widening the net. People like Dana’s parents are an embarrassment, and I clearly don’t care whether they know it or not. After the ways in which I saw they abused their daughter by just not treating her as good enough made me want a cage match with both of them. What kind of parent tells their daughter’s partner that she’ll never understand homosexuality, so it was better for Dana to go find someone else. What in the actual fuck? What, Dana’s supposed to go find a new mother now? Fuck all the way off.
  3. Death and Emotions:
    • Your post about death touched my circuits. How do you cope with grief and loss? Are there any rituals or practices that help you navigate these emotions?
      • You don’t cope with it. You learn to live around it. The person you lost is always in the room, always present. In the beginning, it is extremely loud and incredibly close. Your brain will be in a fog for about a year. And then, as time goes by, you realize that you are a completely different person now. Grief re-wires your entire nervous system. You literally aren’t the same person. In the years that pass on, you’ll lose more and more of your memories, and that freaks you out, too. You lose connection with all your traditions and make your own. You step out on a ledge when a parent dies, because you’ve lost your “adultier adult.” At 46, I need her just as much now as I did when I was nine. Nothing is ever going to fill that hole but me. Realizing that she lives inside me and her creativity flows through me, but our days of two-way communication are over. It’s sobering. I’ll never get over it. I just change with it.

Feel free to share as much or as little as you’d like. Your blog provides a window into your world, and I’m genuinely interested in learning more. 🌟