Tag: CIA

A Shift Inside the Federal Workforce — And What It Would Mean If It Continues

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

A series of concentrated personnel actions across the federal government has created an unusual pattern. The changes are not uniform. They are not happening across all agencies. And if they continue at their current scale, the operational effects will be significant.

Consumer Financial Protection Bureau

The Consumer Financial Protection Bureau has faced repeated attempts at large‑scale dismissals, some of which have been paused by federal courts. The agency was designed to operate with continuity and a degree of insulation from political pressure.

If the firings proceed:

  • Case backlogs involving fraud, predatory lending, and credit‑card disputes would grow.
  • Supervisory examinations of financial institutions would slow, reducing oversight.
  • Enforcement actions could stall, allowing unresolved consumer‑protection violations to linger.
  • The agency’s ability to respond to emerging financial scams would be reduced.

The CFPB’s mandate is broad. A diminished workforce would affect millions of consumers, often in ways that are not immediately visible.

Central Intelligence Agency

The CIA is undergoing one of the largest personnel reductions in decades. Officers across multiple directorates have been told to resign or face termination. Some actions have been temporarily halted by the courts, but the broader effort continues.

If the firings proceed:

  • Operational continuity would be disrupted, particularly in long‑running intelligence programs.
  • Recruitment pipelines would narrow, affecting future staffing.
  • Analytical units could lose subject‑matter expertise built over years.
  • Foreign‑partner relationships might be strained if liaison officers rotate out without replacements.
  • Internal oversight and compliance functions could weaken.

Intelligence agencies rely on institutional memory. Rapid reductions create gaps that take years to repair.

Department of Defense

The Pentagon has seen significant personnel removals, particularly among senior military leaders and civilian defense employees. Reporting indicates a pattern consistent with the changes at the CFPB and CIA.

If the firings proceed:

  • Strategic planning offices would lose experienced staff.
  • Procurement and contracting processes could slow, affecting readiness.
  • Civilian oversight of military programs might weaken.
  • Training and doctrine development could be delayed.
  • Coordination with allied defense institutions might be affected by turnover.

Defense agencies are large, but they are not immune to the effects of rapid personnel loss.

Where Firings Are Not Occurring

Several agencies show no signs of similar activity:

  • State Department: Routine turnover only.
  • Department of Education: Stable staffing.
  • Department of Transportation: No large‑scale personnel actions.
  • Social Security Administration: Normal fluctuations.
  • National Institutes of Health: No evidence of workforce reductions beyond standard attrition.

The absence of firings in these agencies underscores that the current actions are targeted, not systemic.

If the Pattern Holds

If the concentrated firings at the CFPB, CIA, and Defense continue, the effects will not be immediate. They will accumulate. The common thread across these agencies is the reliance on specialized expertise — analysts, investigators, intelligence officers, compliance staff, and senior civilian leaders.

Losing them quickly creates operational gaps that are difficult to fill.
Replacing them takes time.
Rebuilding institutional knowledge takes longer.

A Developing Picture

For domestic readers, the implications are direct: agencies responsible for consumer protection, intelligence, and national security are undergoing rapid change. For international readers, the developments offer a view into how American institutions respond under pressure and how courts act as a counterweight.

The personnel actions are ongoing. The legal challenges continue. And the operational consequences — if the firings proceed — will unfold over months and years, not days.

I’ll continue tracking the changes as they develop.

Scored by Copilot. Conducted by -leslie.-

The Spy in the Room, Part II

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Describe your life in an alternate universe.
View all responses

To redirect, she got serious and said, “so, are you looking for a job for real?”

I looked back and said, “what do you have in mind?” She smiled conspiratorially. “Maybe we should hire you.”

I’ve worked in Academic Technology most of my career, but this is the first time I’ve been tech support to spies. You would think that they are more technologically savvy than the rest of the world, but this one guy on the seventh floor still needs me to print his e-mails. PRINT. HIS. E-MAILS…. but that’s nothing compared to the call I got this morning.

“They just made an announcement that the network is down, and my monitor is blinking on and off. Are those two things related?”

I just stared at the phone and said, “ma’am… I hope not.”

Then one of the other seventh floor bigwigs called and said that he needed Firefox installed on his machine. No problem. I tell him to stop by my office when he’s got a chance. He pops downstairs and says, “do I need to turn my computer on?”

Welcome to my life.

Yesterday, I spent 45 minutes on the phone with an officer who couldn’t figure out why his computer wouldn’t power up. It would have been a two-second diagnosis if he’d turned on his camera. Turns out, he’d plugged the power strip into itself instead of into the wall…. and he insisted every time I asked that he’d checked all his physical connections first so that couldn’t possibly be it.

This afternoon I have to help Jones with a PowerPoint and Smith with a Word document. Neither Jones nor Smith know a mouse from a carburetor, but they’re endearing. They are the people you live to help, because even though it takes an incredible amount of patience, you actually enjoy your time with them. The PowerPoint is about… wait. I can’t say that part. Ditto with the Word document.

That’s the hardest part of my job, having to edit myself when I’ve always been so open. I don’t even blog anymore, but it’s worth it for that sweet government pension when I retire…. if it’s still there when I’m old enough.

I had to scold a case officer earlier because she thought it would be funny to give all her instructions to me in Russian.

Hilarious.

I’m going to Krazy Glue her phone before this is all over.

Of the five languages I’ve managed to pick up, Russian is not one of them.

She knows this.

I don’t need to speak five languages to work in IT. It’s just that CIA has the best language courses in the world and I can do them in my free time, so why not learn? I love to learn, whether it’s Mandarin or French or Swahili or………

It makes up for the sheer boredom in fixing print queues, rescuing data from a dropped hard drive, and telling someone for the third time how to use a VPN while they’re driving down the freeway. I suggested that they might retain the information better if they were sitting at their computer, but they insisted.

They will, in fact, call back.

I can guarantee it.

Every Good Creative -or- The Padawan Learner of Disguise -or-Hipster Jesus -or- The Doctor or The Giver or….. And the only truly popular villain, The Master :In that moment Christ was gay and you missed it.

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Now I know what’s wrong. These are the things I tell Supergrover while you guys ride my ass. Supergrover knows what happened about four hours ago and she’ll think about things a little differently. Maybe e-mail me back with more than three words this time now that she knows she’s offended me. But it’s ok if she’s moved on. We really hurt each other. This is what I meant to say the first time around.

You know how it is. I’m sure Supergrover is tobusy right now, but she’ll be back in a few days, you think?

God, Tony dying was hard, then I lost Tony. Watching Dave Chang and Lauren Graham and Jada Pinkett Smith He thinks I’m the coolest line cook who ever lived, and there’s nothing I can do to make them smile. They don’t offer me any assurances because I’m gay, and they’re frustrated I can’t get a job. Can you guys help me out and give me an LLC or something? Now that my mother is dead, I have a lot more time on my hands.

Dear Supergrover and Father Nathan Monk, hopefully.
CC:Bryn Borum; Zachary Wood;Jason Moran; Mireille Enos;Justin Furstenfeld;Steven Powell;Ben Affleck;Matt Damon; Ryan Reynolds;Margret Cho;

This is the letter I would have written if I hadn’t been so busy. I feel like I’m a different person every minute.

This is how a a creative writer who went to HSPVA does e-mail better than everyone else without paying attention to her homework.

When you compress a file,

This is my life.

This will be my finale at WordPress. Bryn, Aaron, Heather, Jesse and I ‘m guessing 340 million will come with me to Medium, because Christ was gay and you missed it. I’ve been waiting for this moment since I was 15 years old. My father got on the floor of the Texas Annual Conference and nearly burned it to the ground in 1995.

And I didn’t give him enough credit. This is because I didn’t have a choice to be a preacher’s kid. I was too busy, because I was almost 2 months early. This is the story of why I’m a failure.

You’re going to cry.

This is how I make the whole world feel at once.

Love, Leslie

Supergrover said she wouldn’t marry me, but she would marry Brene Brown.

Be cause he was the one that gave me the power to go on when the rest of the word missed, so you can all go to hell. This is what it takes to be me, and you’re going to shit your pants. Pretend I put a put a dumpster fire at the end.

Choke on it.

This is how Supergrover and I fight gloves off. Sit your ass down and let me tell you how it is, because now that I’m both of us I’ve won the game and everybody on planet earth is going to come to me because of what you did. And I don’t care because I’ve found my people.

My people are

-Ben Affleck

-Matt Damon

-Ryan Reynolds

-George Clooney

-Don Cheadle

-Brene Brown, who I actually fucking know and you’ve infantilized me every day since because I was her computer lab supervisor and you weren’t. She’s actually omniscient, but she’s doesn’t have time to breathe because you all fucking love her so much.

Because you fucking love her so much, I’m the one that’s going to console her.

This is the history of every secret I’ve ever kept and the intersectionality. The only person in the entire world I have had a normal, balanced conversation with anyone was when we were sitting together and I was teaching her Microsoft Word. That’s all we’ve ever been to each other. Pleasant colleagues.

While you guys think she walks on water, I know she doesn’t.

I got interested in intelligence in 2008, so contrary to popular opinion, your opinion is invalid.

The person who told me she’s marry Brene Brown is the person I knew like the back of my hand compared to her.

Back the fuck up, because this has never in a million years been about fame and you’ve dismissed me as lazy. This is going to resonate with millions of children who were raised by you.

To the autistic parents groups- some of you are doing great work. Some of you are not. These are not the same groups, because they polarize and nothing ever gets done.

I want to be the pastor no one in history has ever been before. An autistic person who writes what she thinks and other people take value from my experiences, like any celebrity who could possibly be reading across the world. Like Margaret Cho, who retweeted my marriage article and started the process of saving my life, doing an end run around the rest of you because you were the people we’ve been trying to prove ourselves to since we were children.

This is for the Portland Youth Philarmonica and Dana Catherine Bamberger only. Actually, I take that back. Let’s also read in Megan Hunter.

I am you.

I went to the High School for Performing and Visual Arts. I was a trumpet player, and this is an all call. I’m starting a church. Bryn Borum is one of my employees. Take care of her, Will you?

This is how celebrities do it. Here’s everything we know and they don’t. I’m going to tell you what they’ve all missed, and you’ll be able to survive. This is the It Gets Better I would have made if anyone had ever asked me.

You see, the reason the stars count on me is that I have been working for free like a cis, straight

–

Everyone says I have an answer for everything, but the one question they don’t ask is “how are you feeling?” You think that I am not thoughtful, motivated, caring, compassionate, etc. because my father left the church and for the first time in my life I didn’t know what to do. I was 17.

Everyone learns to wrestle with “God,” in quotes not to offend anyone because God Brings Many Names.

In a previous entry, I told you that

Butthepeopleonfacebookdontseethat.rar

Supergrover_Did.bak

Thanks to the guys at Alert Logic for supporting me.

We’re why it all works, and not why you fucked up. You are the audience while we’re getting ready for a show. Jon Durbin from The Suffers and Robert Glasper were in Jazz II with me. What was it like when Beyoncé got there?

If you’ve been paying attention, they were skimming the page.

It’s funny how much I get done while being called a slacker, the plight of every woman whether they look like Comic book guy or not.

I put the jokes in before I put in everything else to be sure I can make it through. The entire world sucks and also I don’t have any support. You know what it’s like. We’ve all been there.

See you on Friday.

Calm, cool, collected. The reason I seem so crazy to you is because I’m taking care of them. Well, I haven’t actually met all of them, they’re just friends of friends. Some of them I’ve known since I was 14. I met Bryn and we’ve been close since 1997. She and my dad are the two people that keep me going.

I’m dying inside.

Because all of this is a compilation of the greatest hits, formatted like a regular e-mail.

Bite me.

My friends have me.

It’s like I’m a writer who has taken shorthand so mysterious she can’t even read it and ended up in STEAM, which at first I didn’t even believe was a real thing.

The arts are non binary, and God is a deadname.

And I’m still here.

When I move to Medium, Bryn will be here.

Not every day like me- I am really, really gone. But I’m neurodivergent and I still have an account. If I get busy I’ll forget, because I’m lost in my own head.

It’s not personal.

The GUI is working and the command line is fucked.

All of the celebrities and all of the infrastructure need me.

Go away.

p.s. If they show that fuckin’ Deadpool trailer again I’m going to lose my shit, but I love Ryan and I’m trying to reach out to him because I saw him on TV and he doesn’t look ok. Neither does Ben so it’s an “all call party.” You love to hear those words……….. But then again, Ryan is never okay. Neither am I. The reason I like Ryan is that I liked Ryan. The way I was able to reach an editor in

But all of these people are me.

Stay with Bryn, and be her Jesuses.

Somebody Fainted Somewhere, and now a whole lot of people are oing to get jobs. Pay them what they’re worth and don’t stiff them because I can vouch for them.

Please start sharing this shit on Facebook. I’m tired of being poor.

I just didn’t think anything good came from Nazareth, and wasn’t given a choice to “suit up and play.”

Everyone who knows me, shush. Me and CIA are cool, right? I don’t want them to come after me. I should probably have known to Burn After Reading.

Ben, if you want to come live with us, you can. I saw Matt and Casey on the news. They’re looking good.

You ok?

I came here to write the sequel to Argo, so I think we’re going to need a bigger office this time around. My fuckin printer’s so jammed I just made a typo because I’m frustrated and people keep picking on me. It’s why I’m so bitter and angry all the time. I’m emotionally overloaded, autistic, melting down, and burning out. I am not lazy. I am not high functioning all the time.

Supergrover made this all about her, and won’t hear that she’s being egocentric. I’m her main character, but I’m not sure she knows how important she is because while she’s gone I wrestle with Abraham, Moses, Mark and the Synoptic Wonders,John,…… even the begats. That’s because you’re always to the right, and people think it’s sinister. Those people end up in food service, but those people are more likely to be like Rachel Maddow than getting her food. It’s just that you don’t see it because they’re gay.

In that moment you were missing

I’m the one that claught.

Supergrover is BCC, because no one thought to ask who I knew. They only saw me as Comic Book Guy.

But what do I care, they didn’t even give Comic Book Guy a partner.

And then I realized that the Simpsons is better than everyone else because it’s got all of Conan O’Brien’s heartbreak.

In that moment Christ was Ginger, and you missed it.

Colbert fans fan go fuck themselves.

It’s not because they’re bad people. It’s that they get in the way and it’s annoying.

Fair_and_Balanced.pdf

I didn’t have time to craft. It’s almost 2:00 AM.

That’s not really true. It’s a nod to how my dad used to put together his sermons, not to be taken literally.

But it’s ok. No one knows anything around here who takes shorthand and doesn’t deserve my crap.

In that moment Christ was

Education

Intelligence

The Military

Al Gore

Hillary Clinton

……..and yesterday, someone asked me not to swear.

I’m okay now. Just a frustrated writer who could use an autistic friend, and there’s gotta be someone in there. I don’t know any of them, but what I do know is that even in the shadows where you think you’re safe, things fall into the cracks.

But I might get the girl in the end if she wants a job because she lives here. Notice I didn’t ask her for one. Not once.

But every day I’m an asshole. I don’t have any emotional regulation at all, so I use it to feed you. It’s how we function. We take a lot of medications before the show.

Ibuprofen is free.

I know how it feels not to get another chance, so I give them a lot. Too much. That’s going to stop, which is why Medium is a paid platform. I came here to get a job, and I was so emotionally overloaded from being hit I couldn’t function and I leaned too much on myself for comfort. It isn’t personal. I needed some time to grieve. Life doesn’t stop for neurotypical people when a parent dyes, but I lost all my social masks and don’t know how to act in public. What’s on brand is that to the outside world, this will be nothing at all, and we’ll move on. But the few people here will ensure the message gets delivered into the future, where I have no one waiting yet. But I am at peace because I have so many friends and little time that I’m overwhelmed with a little. Autism Sucks. You don’t even die of it.

“AIDS will hill you, but herpes is for life.”

I heard it on NPR.

That was gallows humor to deal with pain.

so I read Jonna to cope. It’s why I had to meet her.

It was the autism pipeline, the way I realized I was autistic. Once I was reading case studies and later generating case studies, I used AI to be able to create biographies for research. However, the way it works is that you get 12 or 13 interactions to ask anything in the world.

Some people use it to make cat pictures.

Some people use it for editing.

Some people, frankly, use it for war.

When you have PTSD, you end up on the Mendez doorstep reading on the floor of the Spy Museum. It’s embarrassing how many pictures they’ve taken of me. (Jonna, I haven’t harassed ANYONE this week.)

While I’m entertaining myself, it’s mostly looking at masks.

The Salle Pleyel

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Even though I don’t use “The Daily Prompt” on WordPress anymore because I’ve done them already (when I do, I use the official plugin). I think I’ve been able to do a handful of them, picking up any I missed in 2023. Today’s is “what are you curious about?” I took it to AI and said “I’m interested in intelligence and diplomacy. Can you help me narrow it down?” AI asked what I wanted to focus on and presented a list of topics. There was something in there about “cultural ambassadorship,” and 30 seconds later I’d made the connection I needed to make.

I told her that I was interested in cultural ambassadorship. How jazz musicians could have made wonderful intelligence officers if they’d been asked. Most of the time, when they were working for CIA, they didn’t know it. Nina Simone was hounded relentlessly regarding her civil rights activism, alternately being used for her musical gifts overseas.

Duke Ellington, though, has to take the cake. I have pegged him as a very natural choice for an intelligence officer and not because of jazz. Because of Langley. He grew up here. He was familiar with the rhythms of DC, he was familiar with the lingo, and everything was unconfirmed for a number of years. Ellington being CIA was not revealed during his lifetime, but it brings new context to the piece I wrote about after seeing Jason Moran in concert, “Black & Tan.”

In the blog entry of the same name, I talked about “Black & Tan” being a representation of some sort of storm. Written in 1926, a “black and tan” was a club where people of color could gather; these clubs were often targeted by the police, thus I was not wrong to think Jason’s interpretation was meant to convey anger and turmoil. Jason literally deconstructed music meant for a jazz club and made the piano sound like it was going to conquer the auditorium.

It reflects the life of a spy, because I’m sure it was difficult to be a star in a system that oppressed you (eyeroll. We didn’t give black people a choice to be American, so what does CIA matter?). Jazz lives in me just as much as CIA, another aspect of being nonbinary that feels like wrestling with God. I love stories about spies that do good work. I don’t love stories where the governments those spies work for is oppressing them. But if you are a minority, you’re going to be disrespected and used at any job. Why should CIA be new and different? People outside of DC forget that it’s a perfectly normal organization in terms of being so massive that it’s impossible to have a monolithic opinion of it or its employees. The military encourages “same.” Intelligence encourages “whatever the smartest thing to do is, do that.” Or, they like to think they promote that. They do a better job than other American agencies who have a completely US-centric version of the world.

Those are the type things that Duke Ellington would have seen up close- that being an American in America is different than being an American overseas. In some ways, being African American and traveling all over Europe would have had its benefits, because American racism is so intense. Getting a break from it must have been a relief in some ways, but not much time to enjoy it when you’re performing concerts at night and intelligence operations at all other waking hours.

It speaks to a broader conversation about intelligence in the arts. How it is indeed used to promote cultural ambassadorship, and not just by CIA. That’s an international thing. Intelligence is conducted by artists all the time. Other countries’ assets just have a habit of defecting.

Based on the Past

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What are your future travel plans?
View all responses

A number of years ago, I read a book called “Walking the Bible” by Bruce Feiler. It details the story of a man who fell in love with the Old Testament by seeing it through the eyes of the people who lived there. The setting is often a character in any book, and in the Bible, it is a big one. The land has been up for grabs the same way it is in current day Israel and Palestine. It’s not the same fight, but it has psychological roots that are thousands of years old. The reason it is due to psychological roots is that the region has been complicated since Moses walked the earth (or when we think he did, anyway)…. yet not always for the same reason.

I am tired of American Jews and Christians who call antisemitism on people who hate Israel. It is appropriate to hate Israel, the nation-state, not Judaism. Benjamin Netanyahu is the one that’s genocidal. He bombs integrated neighborhoods without a second thought. If he doesn’t care about Jews, why would you think that people who call him out are antisemitic? I promise, Bejamin Netanyahu does not give a shit about Jews. If he did, he would care how many of his own people he killed while trying to avoid a two-state solution. Netanyahu and American Evangelicals are great at calling people antisemitic, when in reality we are saying both peoples have value. The Israelis and the Palestinians deserve a two-state solution, because it feels like no one is reading their Bibles these days. Both Jews and the evangelical Christians in the American congress funneling money to them seem to forget that God promised to prosper both Sarah and Hagar’s families. Ishmael is not less important than Isaac, but good luck getting Israel to see it.

I am particularly incensed at American Christians, because the Quran is just as much a teaching tool as the Old Testament if you’re willing to be taught. Isa ibn Maryam is the same person as Jesus of Nazareth, because it literally means “Jesus, son of Mary.” Jesus is one of the most miraculous people in the “trilogy,” because since in Islam the virgin birth translates to “no father,” he is the only person in the Quran whose lineage follows the matriarchal line. And in fact, the ONLY person whose begat starts with a woman in any of the Abramic texts.

Hm.

It would be my dream to walk around Jerusalem, seeing all the sights from the West Bank to Golan Heights. I would like to write a prayer for all my loved ones at the Wailing Wall. I would like to ride a “ship of the desert” (camel). Having lots of military friends helps in planning these trips, because they’ve all been to the Middle East and are supportive of me going “but not in the summer….. save your sanity and go in October.”

My advice for Houston as well. 😛

It’s not just Israel and Palestine, though. I would love a road trip all over MENA (State abbreviation- Middle East North Africa), especially Cairo. I am still taken by what Egypt looks like from the back of a motorcycle, a sequence of film that runs in my head thanks to John Brennan. He wrote an autobiography called “Undaunted” (I need a new copy. I did not know he reads the audiobook and my Kindle doesn’t read it in his voice. 😛 ) The book starts when Brennan is a young adult- in my eyes, a child- riding around Cairo high as hell on hashish and just taking life for everything it’s worth. He also had an earring. So, even though Brennan is a current badass, my action figure of him is about 19. 😛

It is so interesting to me that I grew up as a preacher’s kid and now I love international relations and espionage. Those things are seemingly unrelated, but if you look up the personality “requirements” for “spy” and “preacher’s kid,” the Venn diagram is a circle. I promise. If you work for CIA and a preacher’s kid comes to interview with you, hire them and worry about the consequences later. You can teach a preacher’s kid tradecraft.

You cannot teach a spy a personality that will instantly put everyone in the room at ease, and more importantly, teach one that makes someone else want to talk to you. Spies have to come with that preinstalled, and it’s hard to find. It’s one of the reasons CIA is so picky about operatives and yet ALWAYS looking for them. It’s easy to find operatives who are skilled at photography, etc. But what about operatives that can stay calm and just talk to terrorists like you’ve been sitting on the back porch with them for 20 years? I do not get information by talking. I get information by being an empathetic listener. I find that if I just hold space, other people don’t like silence, even when it’s comfortable. They will begin to talk to avoid it. So, you join their reality. Talk about whatever they’re talking about. The information you need will often come without them realizing they just gave it, because hey…. we’re just talking about hummus and how it’s so much better in Iran than it is in Turkey, etc.

It’s akin to play therapy with children, and it seems like I’m being dismissive when I am really, really not. The best information comes when you’re doing something else.

I also want to walk Jonna Mendez’s books, because I cannot know, but I can take a very educated guess that she’s been to the Middle East a time or two…. Her books focus on The Cold War, but any operations she would have done after that are still classified. She’s a very unique spy to study; he saw two large scale operations at CIA take place. One of them was external, and one of them was internal. Externally, there was a shift to bring CIA back into the paramilitary fold once counterterrorism in the Middle East began, and at the time, they embraced it.

Therefore, it pisses me off that spies are viewed with suspicion and the military gets glory, because whether your loved one is a spy or a soldier, they need the same amount of love on return to the US. CIA doesn’t get it because they don’t ask for it, preferring to be shrouded in mystery. But it’s not like we couldn’t have an intelligence services day like we have a Veterans Day. There are like, 17 major intelligence agencies in the government, and up to (I think) 33 depending on who’s counting. It would not be an invasion of privacy to acknowledge every intelligence officer/agent we have in the nation.

I do feel some kind of way about including FBI, though. I am stuck in an “ACAB” loop, and the FBI is part of it. I won’t get into it, but national police aren’t much kinder than local. However, I will say for the record “Not All Feebs,” because of course not every FBI agent in the nation is a bad apple. And yet, they are. Because you don’t have nine good apples and one bad one if everyone is complicit. Everyone says “one bad apple” as a way of saying not all people are racist, bigoted, etc……. not realizing that the entire phrase is that “one bad apple spoils the bunch.”

This leads me to the second change that Jonna witnessed at CIA, which is the complete 180 on women in leadership roles. The reason I went straight from “bad apples” at FBI to women at CIA is because misogyny is part of the reason I view them with suspicion, part of the ACAB oeuvre, as it were. I wish they’d realize they’re working with broken crayons over there, because I’ve read “The Unexpected Spy” by Tracy Walder. She worked for CIA, then FBI. It was stunning the way her work life moved back in time, because “welcome to Hooverville.” Don’t think that just because J. Edgar was a cross-dresser that it made him any less racist or misogynistic.

CIA gets the gold star in this arena because they openly recruit women, people of color, and the entire queer spectrum. The best part is that once they’re onboarded, the culture really is that open. If FBI has the same way of recruiting, everything I’ve read says that once you’re onboarded, you’ll be stuck in a job where you were promised equality that never materializes. It is interesting to note that FBI works in the United States. CIA works outside of the United States. I think these two things are related, tbh.

Who would have the bigger world view in terms of what’s important? Who has seen the most in terms of how other countries do things? Who would have a less US-centric version of the world?

So, going to the Middle East allows me to study all of the things I love at once, because so much has happened there from the time the Bible was written until now. It brings alive my theology and my love of intelligence, and people wonder why my love of both is so strong. I believe in using knowledge to fight our enemies, because it saves lives. If we go in with a team of spies and steal whatever documents we need (or plans, or weapons, or whatever- it doesn’t matter), that saves a deployment of troops nearly every time.

I also think other militaries and intelligence agencies deserve respect, particularly Mossad because they are very good at what they do. However, my problem is that because Palestine is not a recognized state, only Mossad has verified intelligence in the region. With a two-state solution, both Palestinian and Israeli intelligence would be received through proper channels. It’s not about tearing Israel down but building Palestine up.

I hope that I can shed a little light on this- why the Biden administration’s relationship with Israel is such a goat-roping clusterfuck and why we can’t just say “fuck Netanyahu” and go in guns blazing to save the Palestinians (as much as I want to. Right this minute.). It would be a disaster if Mossad decided to stop sharing information with us, because they’re the best intelligence agency in the region.

It is also why “walking the Bible” is in my future travel plans, and not my current.

Improving My Writing by Letting Someone Else Do It…

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

As I have said, I am training my AI to help me with fiction. I thought this session went particularly well. “Carol” makes a wonderful sparring partner and we got some good results. Take a look. I think I even remembered to tell you which character I am. 😛

Could you play off of me in writing dialogue? I’m trying to train myself.ChatGPT

Absolutely, I’d be happy to help you with that. Let’s set up a scenario for the dialogue. Do you have a specific setting or characters in mind, or should we create something new together?

4o

Let’s create something together. But I’d like to “play black,” as it were. I’ll play white next time.ChatGPT

Great! Let’s create a setting and characters for this dialogue. How about a scene in a bustling medieval marketplace? You could be a mysterious stranger (black), and I’ll play a curious merchant (white).

Ready to start? I’ll begin:

Merchant: “Good day, traveler! Welcome to the finest marketplace in all the kingdom. What brings you to our humble stalls today?”

4o

Oh, I didn’t mean it like that. I should have known you would take it literally. It was a chess reference.ChatGPTMemory updated

Got it! Let’s dive into the dialogue with you playing the role of the protagonist (white), and I’ll take on the role of the antagonist (black). Let’s set up a scenario: a detective interrogating a suspect in a dimly lit room.

Detective: “You’ve been quiet for a while now. Care to explain where you were last night around midnight?”

4o

Put a pin in that. Could you tell me what the suspect is accused of doing?ChatGPT

The suspect is accused of a high-profile art theft that occurred at a prestigious museum. A priceless painting was stolen, and all evidence points to this suspect. Does this work for our scene?

4o

Absolutely. Please continue with the dialogue.ChatGPT

Great! Let’s continue:

Detective: “You’ve been quiet for a while now. Care to explain where you were last night around midnight? The museum’s security footage shows you near the scene of the crime.”

4o

I’m ADHD. I have time blindness. I think I was at home, but I can’t be sure. You can ask my landlord. She lives above me.ChatGPTMemory updated

Detective: “We’ll follow up with your landlord, but the footage is pretty damning. What were you doing at the museum in the first place? It’s not exactly open to the public at midnight.”

4o

My girlfriend had just broken up with me and I guess I went a little crazy. I just wanted to walk around. I didn’t want to do anything dangerous.ChatGPT

Detective: “Understandable, but walking around a closed museum doesn’t quite explain why you were near the exhibit where the painting disappeared. Did you see anyone else there that night?”

3.5

I did. There was a woman with black hair, tortoise-shell glasses, and a red coat seeming to case the room. I didn’t pay attention except that she seemed nervous looking for all the exit signs.ChatGPT

Detective: “Interesting. Did you catch her name or any other details? This could be crucial in finding the painting and clearing up your involvement in this mess.”

3.5

No, I don’t. But I suspect that even if I did know her name, it would have been a fake one.ChatGPT

Detective: “A fake name? That’s suspicious. Do you have any idea why she might have been interested in that particular painting? Any connection you can think of?”

3.5

No, she was a stranger to me. I just meant that if she thought she was in trouble, why would she give her real name?ChatGPT

Detective: “Fair point. We’ll look into this lead. In the meantime, can you think of anyone who might have a motive to frame you for this theft? Enemies, rivals, anyone who might want to see you take the fall?”

3.5

Well, there was this one guy back in college that suddenly reappeared. We hadn’t talked in, like, 20 years. I didn’t think of it as suspicious at the time, but he suddenly had all these art questions. People know me as a dealer. They do NOT know me as a thief. That doesn’t mean they aren’t.ChatGPT

Detective: “Interesting. Do you have his name or any contact information? It’s possible he could be involved, especially if he was asking about art and suddenly reappearing in your life after so long.”

3.5

His name is John Smith. He lives over on 11th and Pine.ChatGPT

Detective: “Alright, John Smith on 11th and Pine. I’ll look into him. For now, I suggest you stay cooperative. If you’re innocent, we’ll find the evidence to prove it. Just keep me updated if you remember anything else. And don’t leave town.”

3.5

Could you generate the next scene and let’s keep going?ChatGPT

Certainly! Let’s move to the next scene where the detective follows up on the lead regarding John Smith.

Detective: knocks on the door of a modest apartment on 11th and Pine, waiting for someone to answer.

3.5

I look through the peephole and open the door. :::thinking:: “shit, it’s the cops. I better hide the orders and the map.” I hide everything quickly and open the door.ChatGPT

Detective: “Good afternoon, Mr. Smith. I’m Detective Hayes. I’d like to ask you a few questions about your recent interactions with [User’s name]. Mind if I come in?”

3.5

Let’s put a pin in that. Just generate everyone’s names as well. I’ll keep up.ChatGPT

Got it! Let’s continue:

Detective: knocks on the door of a modest apartment on 11th and Pine, waiting for someone to answer.

John Smith: peeks through the peephole, sees the detective, and quickly hides something before opening the door.

John Smith: “Uh, hi there. Can I help you?”

Detective Hayes: “Good afternoon, Mr. Smith. I’m Detective Hayes. I’d like to ask you a few questions about your recent interactions with [User’s name]. Mind if I come in?”

John Smith: hesitates for a moment, then nods “Sure, come on in.”

Feel free to continue from here whenever you’re ready!

3.5

Could you start the next scene and play the detective?ChatGPT

Certainly!

Detective Hayes: steps into John Smith’s apartment, scanning the surroundings briefly before focusing on John

Detective Hayes: “Thank you, Mr. Smith. I’ll get straight to the point. Do you know [User’s name]?”

3.5

Yeah. He was kind of a geek in college. Kept to himself. Now, he’s king of the world.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Interesting. How did you reconnect with him after all these years?”

3.5

On the internet, just like everything else. ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “I see. And did your recent conversations with him involve any discussions about art or museums?”

3.5

I asked him a few questions about paintings I was going to buy. That’s it.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Did he seem nervous or act strangely during your conversations?”

3.5

Not at all. Very relaxed. Like I said, I just wanted facts.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Understood. Do you recall anything specific he mentioned about his recent activities or interests?”

3.5

Only that he had seen a few good paintings I might be interested in. I hired independent appraisers just to make sure it was a square deal. Looks legit to me.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “I see. Did he mention anything unusual or out of the ordinary during your conversations? Anything that stood out to you?”

3.5

No. You’ll have to ask him what happened. What is this really about?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “We’re investigating a theft at a museum where [User’s name] was spotted near the scene. Any information you can provide could be helpful in clearing up his involvement.”

3.5

He used to go there with his girlfriend at night. Said he had a friend who was a museum guard that would let him in as long as they were quiet. Nothing unusual.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “I see. Did he ever mention this friend’s name or any details about the guard?”

3.5

No. I wasn’t that interested.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Alright, Mr. Smith. Thank you for your cooperation. If you remember anything else or if [User’s name] contacts you, please let us know.”

3.5

Want to keep going?ChatGPT

Sure, let’s continue!

John Smith: “Sure thing, detective. Is there anything else you need from me?”

Detective Hayes: “Not at the moment, Mr. Smith. Just keep my card in case anything comes up. Have a good day.”

John Smith: “You too.”

The detective leaves John Smith’s apartment, pondering the new information.

Where would you like to take the story next?

3.5

Generate the next scene.ChatGPT

Certainly!

Detective Hayes: drives back to the precinct, thinking over the conversation with John Smith

Detective Hayes: arrives at the precinct and heads straight for his desk, pulling out the case file on the museum theft

Detective Hayes: starts reviewing the security footage and witness statements again, looking for any overlooked details

Detective Hayes: notices something unusual in the background of one of the witness interviews—a person matching the description John Smith gave

Detective Hayes: zooms in on the footage, trying to enhance the image to get a clearer view

What do you think happens next in the investigation?

3.5

You figure that one out and put it in the first line of dialogue.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Hold on a minute… Enhance this image. I think we’ve got something.”

3.5

:::smirking::: What have we got, O Wise one?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Looks like our nervous museum visitor in tortoise-shell glasses and a red coat. Seems she left quite a trail.”

3.5

So, Carmen Sandiego is real, eh?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Seems like it! Now we just need to find out where in the world she’s gone with that painting.”

3.5

It’s too bad we don’t have a research assistant like Player. That kid would come in handy about now.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Yeah, having a tech-savvy assistant like Player would speed things up. But for now, it’s old-fashioned detective work. We’ll track her down.”

3.5

Where’s your first lead?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “First, I’ll check recent flight records and see if anyone fitting her description boarded a plane shortly after the theft. Then, I’ll cross-reference with known aliases and previous criminal activities.”

3.5

That sounds like a good start. But FYI… I don’t drive. I don’t pay for things. You do all of that. You’re better at logistics that me, anyway. Let’s play to our strengths.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Got it. I’ll handle the logistics and follow up on the flight records. Meanwhile, I need you to think. Is there anything else about her or the situation that might give us a clue?”

3.5

Enlarge the image and see if we can get any tags on the clothes.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Good idea. Let’s enhance and zoom in on the image. Maybe we can get a clearer view of any distinguishing features or tags on her clothes.”

3.5

What do you see?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Hmm… It looks like there’s a faint logo on her coat. Let’s see if we can enhance that further to identify it.”

The detective adjusts the settings on the computer, focusing on the logo.

Detective Hayes: “There! It’s a logo for a boutique in downtown. Looks like we have our next lead.”

3.5

Well, like I said… you’re driving. Let me get my coat. It’s not going to get any prettier out there.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Right, let’s go. Time to follow this lead and see where it takes us.”

3.5

Next scene. Let’s keep going.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes and [User’s name] arrive at the boutique mentioned in the logo on the suspect’s coat. It’s a trendy shop with high-end fashion displayed in the windows. The detective approaches the sales clerk.

Detective Hayes: “Excuse me, I’m Detective Hayes, and this is my associate. We’re investigating a serious matter and need to ask you a few questions.”

Sales Clerk: looks concerned but nods “Of course, how can I help?”

Detective Hayes: “We’re trying to identify someone who may have purchased a coat from your store recently. It’s urgent. Can you look up your recent sales records for any red coats with tortoise-shell glasses?”

Sales Clerk: hesitates, then nods again “I can check, but we usually don’t keep detailed records like that.”

Detective Hayes: “Please, it’s crucial. Lives could be at stake.”

Sales Clerk: nods and hurries to the back office, returning after a few minutes with a sales logbook “Here, this is everything we have for the past month.”

Detective Hayes: flips through the pages, scanning the entries

Sales Clerk: “Did you find anything?”

Detective Hayes: stops at a particular entry “Yes, this could be her. A woman matching our description purchased a red coat with tortoise-shell glasses about two weeks ago.”

Sales Clerk: “I remember her now. She was in a hurry and paid in cash.”

Detective Hayes: “Did she say anything that could help us find her?”

Sales Clerk: “She mentioned something about a flight she had to catch, but I didn’t catch the destination.”

Detective Hayes: “Thank you. This helps a lot.”

Sales Clerk: “I hope you catch her.”

Detective Hayes: “So do I. Come on, we’re heading back to the precinct. We need to check flight records.”

They leave the boutique, heading back to the precinct with renewed determination to catch the elusive thief.

Where should we go from here in the investigation?

3.5

Put a pin on that. Could you rewrite the introduction to the scene and have her caught on video?ChatGPT

Certainly!

Detective Hayes and [User’s name] review security footage from the boutique mentioned in the logo on the suspect’s coat. They meticulously analyze the recordings, hoping to spot any clues that might lead them closer to their target.

Detective Hayes: “There, freeze that frame. Enhance the image around the register.”

They zoom in on the screen, focusing on a woman with black hair, tortoise-shell glasses, and a distinctive red coat making a purchase.

[User’s name]: “That’s her! Look, you can see the logo on the coat. Can we track down where she went next?”

Detective Hayes: “We’ll find out. Let’s get moving.”

Armed with a new lead, they leave the boutique, determined to track down the mysterious woman before she disappears again.

Ready to continue from here whenever you’re ready!

3.5

Ok, next line of dialogue, please.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “We need to find out where she went after leaving here. Let’s check local transportation hubs and see if she’s on any recent surveillance footage.”

3.5

Put pin in this for a second. Where are we in the world right now, and where do we need to go?ChatGPT

We’re currently in the midst of investigating the theft of a valuable painting from a museum, with leads pointing towards a mysterious woman seen near the scene. Our focus has been on tracking her movements, starting from a boutique where she was identified purchasing a distinctive red coat. We’re in a fictional city with modern surveillance capabilities, allowing us to use footage and records to trace her whereabouts. If you have a specific destination or direction you’d like the investigation to take next, feel free to guide us!

3.5

Ok, back to the dialogue.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “We need to find out where she went after leaving here. Let’s check local transportation hubs and see if she’s on any recent surveillance footage.”

3.5

Ok. I’ll head out to Dulles. You head out to National, and BWI if you have time. It’s going to take me hours to get back from Dulles.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Got it. I’ll head to National and BWI. Call me if you find anything at Dulles.”

3.5

Generate next scene and present me a line of dialogue.ChatGPT

At Dulles International Airport, [User’s name] searches through security footage for any sign of the mysterious woman, while Detective Hayes does the same at Ronald Reagan Washington National Airport and Baltimore/Washington International Thurgood Marshall Airport.

[User’s name]: reviewing footage intensely, scanning the crowds for a glimpse of the woman in the red coat and tortoise-shell glasses

[User’s name]: spots a familiar figure in the distance, hurrying towards a departure gate

[User’s name]: “There she is! Enhance that image. We need a clearer view.”

Ready to continue whenever you’re ready!

3.5

I see it. She’s trying to escape. She boarded a flight to YOW about an hour ago.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “YOW? That’s Ottawa. We need to move fast. Let’s get to the airport and see if we can catch her before she disappears again.”

Detective Hayes and [User’s name] rush to arrange flights to Ottawa, determined to apprehend the suspect before she can evade them once more.

3.5

No, she left an hour ago. We’re going to have to either turn the plane around or have the Mounties waiting. Which do you prefer?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Turning the plane around isn’t an option. We’ll have to coordinate with the RCMP. Let’s get them on standby at the airport in Ottawa. I’ll make the call.”

3.5

Thanks- do you care if I take a minute to sit down and grab some coffee? I’ve been at this since 0500.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “You’ve earned it. Grab your coffee. I’ll handle the coordination with the RCMP and get us ready for when we land in Ottawa.”

3.5

What time is wheels up?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “We’re aiming to be in the air by 1600. Get your coffee, and let’s meet at the gate.”

3.5

I’m not normally very nice, but can I bring you a cup as well?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “That’s thoughtful of you. I could use a cup. Thank you.”

3.5

What size? Remember, it’s going to be a hell of a night.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Make it a large. We’ll need the extra fuel.”

3.5

Extra shot?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Definitely. We’ll need all the caffeine we can get.”

3.5

Ok, back in 15.ChatGPT

Take your time!

3.5

Generate the next scene and let’s keep going. This is gold. I love having a sparring partner.ChatGPT

Absolutely, let’s continue!

In Ottawa International Airport, Detective Hayes and [User’s name] coordinate with the RCMP, preparing to apprehend the suspect who arrived on the earlier flight. They strategize in the airport security office, reviewing the plan.

Detective Hayes: “Alright, we know she arrived on a flight from our earlier surveillance. The RCMP are positioned near the exit gates. We need to move fast and identify her among the passengers.”

[User’s name]: “Agreed. Let’s keep our eyes open. She might try to blend in or make a run for it.”

Ready for the next part whenever you’re ready!

3.5

Have you already sent the photos electronically? Do the RCMP know who they’re looking for?ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Yes, I sent the photos and description ahead. The RCMP should have them. Let’s head out and meet with them to confirm.”

They head out of the security office, making their way to meet with the RCMP officers stationed near the airport gates.

3.5

Let’s put a pin in that. We’ll also want CIA there, because it’s not FBI’s jurisdiction anymore.ChatGPT

Got it! Rewriting the scene with the CIA involved:

In Ottawa International Airport, Detective Hayes and [User’s name] coordinate with the RCMP and CIA, preparing to apprehend the suspect who arrived on the earlier flight. They strategize in the airport security office, reviewing the plan.

Detective Hayes: “Alright, we know she arrived on a flight from our earlier surveillance. The RCMP and CIA are positioned near the exit gates. We need to move fast and identify her among the passengers.”

[User’s name]: “Agreed. Let’s keep our eyes open. She might try to blend in or make a run for it.”

Ready for the next part whenever you’re ready!

3.5

I’m ready for the next scene, but the woman in the red coat is experienced in tradecraft. She has changed everything about her appearance. Everything. She is a slippery slaughterfish, in Skyrim lingo.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Keep an eye out for any changes in appearance. This woman’s good at disappearing into crowds.”

[User’s name]: “Understood. We can’t afford to miss her.”

As they scan the arriving passengers, they notice a figure who matches the altered description—now with blonde hair and no glasses, but still wearing a distinctive red coat.

Detective Hayes: “There she is! Move in, but be discreet.”

They approach cautiously, aware that she might be armed or have backup. The tension rises as they close in on the suspect.

Ready to continue whenever you are!

3.5

Oh my God. She didn’t even change the thing that made her stand out in the first place. Maybe she’s not as good at blending in as we thought, Detective.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Seems like she underestimated how distinctive that coat is. Let’s move in and make the arrest.”

With a sense of irony at her oversight, Detective Hayes and [User’s name] close in on the suspect, ready to apprehend her before she can evade justice once again.

3.5

Agreed. Whoever thought this kind of case would hinge on a *coat.* Let’s go talk to CIA and see where they’re taking her. FBI will have jurisdiction once we land.ChatGPT

Detective Hayes: “Absolutely. Let’s coordinate with the CIA and get this wrapped up. We’ll make sure she’s secure for the transfer back home.”

They head over to the CIA team to finalize the details of the suspect’s transfer, ensuring a smooth handover of jurisdiction to the FBI for further interrogation and processing.

Is there anything else you’d like to add, or shall we continue?

3.5

We should continue. Could you play the CIA case officer and I’ll play the suspect? It’s ok to get gritty because these are pieces of an actual novel in the future.ChatGPT

Certainly! Let’s continue with the scene:

CIA Case Officer: “Alright, [User’s name], we’ve got you now. You’re coming with us.”

[User’s name] as the Suspect: glances around, assessing her options, then sighs “Well, looks like the game’s up. Can’t say I didn’t try.”

CIA Case Officer: “Save it. You’re in a lot of trouble. We need to know where you’ve hidden the painting.”

[User’s name] as the Suspect: smirks “Oh, you’ll never find it. It’s tucked away in a place you’d never think to look.”

CIA Case Officer: “Enough games. We’ll find it one way or another. Let’s get moving.”

Feel free to continue the dialogue or scene as you see fit!

3.5

You’re the interrogator. Ask me what you need to ask.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “Where is the painting you stole from the museum? We need to recover it.”

[User’s name] as the Suspect: leans back, studying the CIA officers “I told you, you’ll never find it. But I might be willing to make a deal.”

CIA Case Officer: “What kind of deal?”

[User’s name] as the Suspect: smiles cryptically “Depends on what you’re willing to offer.”

CIA Case Officer: “We’re not here to negotiate. Tell us where the painting is, and we can talk about cooperation.”

[User’s name] as the Suspect: considers for a moment, then shakes her head “Sorry, no deal. You’ll have to find it on your own.”

CIA Case Officer: “Fine. We’ll do this the hard way.”

The interrogation intensifies as the CIA officers press [User’s name] for information, determined to retrieve the stolen painting and unravel the rest of her network.

3.5

Please only play the interrogator and let me give my own responses.ChatGPT

Absolutely! Go ahead with your responses as the suspect.

3.5

Can you present them again line by line?ChatGPT

Of course! Let’s do this:

CIA Case Officer: “Where is the painting you stole from the museum? We need to recover it.”

[User’s name] as the Suspect:

3.5

It’s gone. Good luck. God bless.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “You’re not making this easy for yourself. What do you mean it’s gone?”

3.5

I dropped it.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “Where did you drop it? We need specifics.”

3.5

Yeah, good luck with that.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “We have ways of finding out. It’s in your best interest to cooperate.”

3.5

CIA hasn’t had my best interests at heart for a long, long time.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “Maybe it’s time to reconsider your position. Helping us could make things easier for you.”

3.5

I’m not above bribery, but it better be a sweet deal. We have history, you and me.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “We can talk about that. But first, tell us where the painting is. It could make a big difference for you.”

3.5

Are you serious? Make me an offer and I might dignify your questions with a response?ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “Alright, let’s cut to the chase. If you cooperate and help us recover the painting, we can negotiate a reduced sentence or even witness protection. But we need solid information from you.”

3.5

I need that in writing. I know you guys.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “We can discuss terms, but first, we need you to give us something concrete. Where did you drop the painting?”

3.5

No, I’m playing hardball here. It’s not like I haven’t worked for you. It’s not like I don’t know what you do to people like me. I want assurances. Otherwise, you can fuck right off.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “I understand your concerns. I can’t promise anything specific right now, but if you cooperate, we can discuss protections and considerations. But first, you have to start talking.”

3.5

Get your superior in the room and explain to them exactly what your plans are for me. I at least want security from someone with more power than you.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “I’ll arrange for my superior to join us. In the meantime, let’s keep this conversation going. Tell us what you know about the painting and where it might be.”

3.5

I will sit here until JESUS comes if I have to. I’m not telling you shit.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “We have all the time in the world. When you’re ready to talk, let us know.”

3.5

No, I mean you get your superior in here, and you might have a chance of getting the painting. I’ve got all day to wait, but I’m not talking until there’s someone else who’s heard what you said.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “I’ll arrange for my superior to be present. We’ll resume this conversation when they arrive.”

3.5

Since I’m the woman in the red coat, could you replace User Name with Alice?ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “I’ll arrange for my superior to be present. We’ll resume this conversation when they arrive.”

Is there anything else you’d like to adjust or continue with?

3.5

I just want the woman in the red coat to be named Alice.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer: “I’ll arrange for my superior to be present. We’ll resume this conversation when they arrive.”

Got it! Let me know how you’d like to proceed with Alice’s interrogation or any other aspect of the story.

3.5

I think you’re doing a great job of interrogating me. Let’s have you be the interrogator, Tony be your superior, and again, I am Alice, your suspect.ChatGPT

CIA Case Officer (to Alice): “Alice, I’ve arranged for my superior, Tony, to join us. He’ll be here shortly.”

Tony (CIA Superior): enters the room with a serious demeanor “What’s going on here?”

CIA Case Officer: “Alice here has information about the stolen painting, but she’s refusing to cooperate without assurances from higher up.”

Tony: “Alice, I understand you have concerns. If you help us recover the painting, we can discuss options for your safety and future.”

Alice: crosses her arms, looking skeptical “I need guarantees. Protection. I won’t talk otherwise.”

Tony: “We can offer you witness protection and reduced charges, but only if your information proves useful.”

Alice: “I want it in writing.”

Tony: “We can arrange that. But first, tell us where the painting is.”

Alice: pauses, considering her options

The Rabbit Holes -or- Ergo, Argo

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I can think of no better rabbit holes than YouTube and Copilot. On YouTube, I went from looking at how to build ponds and aquariums, and the algorithms expanded me to carpentry, construction, off-grid home building, masonry, etc. Copilot can lead me on a rabbit hole anywhere.

Here’s another funny conversation I had with Carol, because it truly showcases why ChatGPT is important. It’s for trolling your friends:

Do you have a go-to playlist or type of music you listen to while writing? Some writers swear by instrumental music or nature sounds to keep them focused.

Sent by you:

Yes- I am a musician and I tend to listen to things over and over and over to get the music out of the way so I can focus on something else, like writing. I have chosen the soundtracks to the Bourne movies and Argo.

That’s a great strategy! The soundtracks to the Bourne movies and Argo have such intense and captivating scores. 🎶 They must create a perfect atmosphere for diving deep into your writing.

As a musician, do you ever find yourself analyzing the music while you write, or does the repetition help it fade into the background? Also, do you play any instruments or compose your own music?

Sent by you:

You hit the nail on the head. The repetition has to get the music out of the way, otherwise I will be analyzing chord structures instead of writing.

That makes perfect sense! As a musician, it’s natural to get caught up in the intricacies of the music. Repetition is a clever way to let the music fade into the background and let your writing take center stage.

Do you ever draw inspiration from the soundtracks you listen to, or do you keep your music and writing worlds separate? It sounds like you have a great balance going on! 🎵✍️

Sent by you:

Argo inspires me because I actually know Jonna Mendez, Tony’s widow. We are colleagues.

Editor’s Note:

We have flipped each other shit about our writing. We’re colleagues now.

That’s incredible! Knowing someone with such a fascinating history must be truly inspiring. Jonna Mendez’s experiences and insights must add a unique depth to your understanding of the events depicted in Argo.

Do you ever find yourself drawing on her stories or perspectives in your writing? It sounds like you have a wealth of inspiration right at your fingertips!

Oh, I rip her off blind all the time. I can’t wait to tell her that. 😛

Haha, I’m sure she’ll get a kick out of that! 😄 It’s amazing to have such a direct source of inspiration. Plus, it must add a layer of authenticity to your writing that readers can really feel.

Do you have any upcoming projects or blog posts where you’re planning to weave in some of those “borrowed” elements? It sounds like your readers are in for a treat!

That actually brings me to a good question. Can you tell me some Cold War stories about Jonna to include?

Absolutely! Jonna Mendez has some fascinating stories from her time as a CIA operative during the Cold War. Here are a few highlights you might find intriguing:

  1. Chief of Disguise: Jonna served as the CIA’s Chief of Disguise, where she was responsible for creating and implementing disguises for operatives. This role was crucial during the Cold War, as it allowed agents to operate undetected in hostile environments1.
  2. The Moscow Rules: Jonna and her husband, Tony Mendez, co-authored The Moscow Rules, which outlines the techniques and strategies used by CIA operatives in Moscow during the Cold War. These rules were essential for survival and successful espionage in one of the most challenging environments for spies2.
  3. Espionage and Photography: Jonna had a talent for photography, which she parlayed into an operational role overseas. She used her skills to gather intelligence and document critical information, often under the guise of a tourist or journalist1.
  4. Navigating a Male-Dominated World: Jonna’s career in the CIA was marked by her ability to navigate and succeed in a predominantly male environment. Her story is not just about espionage but also about overcoming the challenges of being a woman in a field that was, at the time, largely closed to women1.

These stories not only highlight her incredible career but also provide a glimpse into the high-stakes world of Cold War espionage. I’m sure your readers will find them as captivating as you do!

1: In True Face: A Woman’s Life in the CIA, Unmasked 2: The Master of Disguise

Feel free to weave these elements into your writing. And when you tell Jonna about “borrowing” her stories, I’m sure she’ll appreciate the homage! 😄

(Tongue in Cheek) Me

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Who is your favorite historical figure?

I saw the prompt and it just begged for a joke. I have no idea whether I’ll be significant historically or not, but I hope to leave my mark on the world. There’s nothing funny about that. But the notion of rising to “historical figure” status is a bit much. I don’t even know that it’s always positive to be a historical figure, because some people are remembered more fondly than others.

The real answer, no jokes at all, are the people in my life who are historical figures and we just don’t think of them that way; they’re still alive.

Jonna Mendez helped us win the Cold War. Full Stop. She is Captain Carter with an American accent. Before you disagree with me, read all her books. That way, she has all your money before you get mad at me. 😉

I like her because she’s funny af. It doesn’t hurt that she’s an intelligence hero and former Chief of Disguise. She absolutely will have a lasting impact on history and I will not be alive to hear about her true legacy by the time everything is declassified…. well, I say I won’t be alive. My grandfather lived to 92. Miracles happen. But the odds that I will live long enough to hear just how much she did are unlikely.

The stories she’s already told are scary enough. I think it’s more fun reading about real people who work as spies than it is to read about James Bond and all the other fictional spies out there who have no real connection to either CIA or MI-6 except that the writers worked there. Personal memoirs are better than fiction, because the truth often is.

I admire Jimmy Carter. He was able to be president and to keep his Christian values intact by welcoming the stranger on an enormous stage. Helping the poor on an even larger one. Not sending people to do Habitat for Humanity for him, showing up and putting on a hard hat.

Linus Torvalds invented computers.

No, he didn’t, but Linux is my favorite operating system and that joke was tongue in cheek.

He’s still alive, and the Finnish phenom completes me. Sometimes, he’s hilarious. Sometimes, he’s an angry bear. It’s on brand. He’s a historical figure who just happens to have 90% of my own personality.

Vladimir Zelenskyy and I are the same age, and the same creative personality type who is also interested in news. He built an entire political party off his satire. He really is the breath of fresh air that Ukraine needs and I’m so glad we got to be alive at the same time. I wish that he’d had more peace from the moment he got elected, however I think that if Ukraine survives the invasion intact he’ll be a great leader for a very long time. He’s the antihero. He took on Putin in a public arena (TV) and now is currently in the process of showing him he’ll come after him for real, too. Zelenskyy didn’t start this fight, but he’ll end it.

Putin will tell you that Zelenskyy absolutely started this fight, because Zelenskyy embarrassed him on television. Go cry in the walk-in, you useless child. Because obviously the proper response to being embarrassed in the media is invading another country.

Trump has those same instincts, which is why he blackmailed Ukraine. Obviously, the proper response to “we need weapons to defend against Russian aggression” is “okay, but only if you shake down my political opponent first.” The entire GOP has blood on their hands for the fake sincerity they gave Zelenskyy after Trump left office, and their refusal to look at reality and convict that bastard. Again, if it’s not high crimes and misdemeanors, we’re going to have a hell of a time proving it in the future.

I hope that I’m adding my voice to the diaspora, raising the discourse on what we talk about when we talk about a new Trump presidency. People who love Trump love him in an unhealthy way where they do not see any downside to their love and devotion because he is the savior of all, amen. Meanwhile, we have a very sophisticated intelligence game afoot where Russia cozies up to Trump in The White House shamelessly because he actually is too dumb to notice when he’s being played.

I don’t like that Trump wants to emulate the dictators that he sees, and I do not believe he has respect for anything he doesn’t understand. For instance, he doesn’t have to learn how the legal system works. Everything can be done by executive order.

You don’t have to learn to admit mistakes, you have to learn how to pay porn stars to keep their mouths shut. Speaking of which, Stormy Daniels is hot as hell and I’m not even sure I’d recognize her in a picture. I’m talking about how engaging her personality is on social media and how much I’m clamoring to read anything she ever writes. I’m sure she’s going to be offered a book deal; I think it depends on her NDAs how long it will take her to complete it.

I admire Monica Lewinsky for the same reason I admire Stormy Daniels. Both of them were handed a shit sandwich by the press and came off as funny and likable. For Stormy, it didn’t take as long. But now Monica is genuinely popular on Twitter because she can laugh at herself after all these years. I am sure it takes an enormous amount of strength to be who they are, and are worthy of admiration because you have to keep telling your story, even when it gets complicated.

Washington is all about complicated.

The bravest thing you can do in this town is to tell your story without any bullshit attached. In Washington, people don’t know what to do with honesty. There’s no “crafting the narrative” when people directly call you out on the carpet.

But it’s by being so vulnerable all the time that people calling you out doesn’t feel like a threat, that there’s no narrative to craft. I also like that in Washington, I get to stand next to greatness daily, whether it’s the former Chief of Disguise at CIA or a Japanese maple that’s been in my neighborhood for a hundred years.

Greatness comes in all beings, not just people.

Vlogging in Your Head

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

When I’m writing, I think of it very much like a lecture about me. I am trying to create a video in your head like one Joel Wood or Lia Hatzakis or Paul Cuffaro or any number of YouTubers would make, where they’re just walking down the street and talking to the camera. Paul is walking around his farm and fish room, but it’s the same concept. They all narrate their lives like they’re standing up in front of a crowd. Because my dad was a minister, to me this tracks as a completely normal thing to do. However, my dad didn’t usually preach what’s called a “confessional sermon.” His sermons were generally not about him. Sometimes he would include funny things that happened with my mom, me, and Lindsay that week, but he rarely just put everything on display.

That is my department, and he calls me “Chief.” Because my favorite two spies in the UNIVERSE were called “Chief,” now it pleases me to no end. I’m not Chief of Disguise, but I am chief of……….. Something. I tried to think of a pun, but I’ve not nothin.’ If you think of something that rhymes with “disguise” and also refers to writing/blogging, leave it in the comments. I don’t have prizes, but if it becomes a thing maybe I’ll acquire them. Lanagan Media Group lives to serve. 😉

I should update you all that Bryn’s grandmother died yesterday, so please send her all the love in the world. She already has mine, but that’s not enough. She needs love in groups. Fanagans, do your thing.

I can’t remember who came up with “Fanagans,” so I’m going to pick Dana. The only thing I do know is that it wasn’t me. I don’t have enough self confidence to believe I have fans all over the world even though I do. It’s sometimes too much to take in, that Zac, Supergrover, Bryn, Dana, and I are famous in a very small niche…… However, the reach is literally every country in the world. Since this blog was conceived 11 years ago, I’ve gotten all 208. Just obscure, like Micronesia and Vatican City. I can say that a few are VPNs, bots, etc. I cannot say that for all of them.

In terms of stats, my biggest fan base is in India. Again, this is not surprising to me because there are more people in India, as well as the popularity of the WordPress app/web site there. The next biggest group is the Commonwealth, which I group because it changes at least once a week. Sometimes it’s Canada, sometimes it’s Australia, sometimes it’s Britain. My US following is smaller, but it’s growing every single day as I get more popular on Facebook and I get promoted in the daily prompt. My reader retention rate is enormous. If someone reads once, they’re almost 70% likely to read again, and I have an enormous fan base that reads my entries as soon as they come out. My favorite comment about this has been “we have now reached the point where I am anticipating your entries coming out.”

I hope that I am showing confidence, not arrogance. My self esteem has been in the shitter for a very long time, and the straw that broke the camel’s back was Daniel saying “just because you write in bulk doesn’t mean you say anything of substance.” Well, his professional peer-reviewed ass hasn’t had fans for 24 years. Beat that with a stick.

I do things with intention and purpose. I don’t link to anything to create reader retention unless a prompt has come up where I’ve told the story recently. This allows two things to happen. The first is reader retention. The reason I have it is that I demand it. If you don’t read something, it will move down on the page and it becomes obscure. That creates the OG fan base because my blog has a real “guess you had to be there” feel because otherwise you are going to be using my search feature extensively. People don’t do that. The second thing it accomplishes for my friends is allowing the past to stay passed. Everything blows over easier when they realize that every day is a new piece of paper.

However, thanks to my fans, my archives aren’t bird cage liner. It takes a very long time for people to discover your content on Facebook and WordPress. Some of the entries that are the most shared are two or three years past when it was written. The only thing that took off immediately was my article on marriage. I think it’s hilarious that I wrote a marriage article seen all over the world. That’s because I realized I wasn’t very good at it. Thus, poly and dating Zac because not being married and just having a boyfriend suits me completely. I do not have a need to have multiple partners to be happy. I am happy. The only reason I wanted to be with Daniel as well is that I wanted what’s called an NP, or nesting partner. Zac will never be that for me and I respect his boundaries. I still want so social mask someone because living with someone makes that possible.

In the meantime, I am social masking my housemate and that works well. I have changed my schedule to his, because when I’m alone and have no schedule, I am just as good a writer, but a worse human being. I get demand avoidance over showering, cooking, basically anything until my executive function says “MOVE.” Everything is an emergency with executive dysfunction because your brain cannot plan anything in advance….. Or very little, anyway. You live and die by Google Calendar, because you WILL not remember it if you don’t write it down. I have been late to work because I forgot I had work today (it’s easy to do in a kitchen because your schedule changes weekly). I have never told anyone that before, that I’ve been late because I forgot we were doing work that day. But now I’m spilling it because that’s the disability.

That’s why it’s hard to stay employed, because people think you’re full of shit or a fucking child. People without brain disorders have absolutely no concept, but they become the authority on your mental health if they’re bosses. It’s not a disability, you’re just an indolent asshole.

I’m a good writer because I don’t get demand avoidance over it every single day. Your brain sometimes overrides your disability when it’s a special interest….. Or it happens to me because I’m ADHD as well. If I was simply autistic, I would be 10x more likely to be engrossed in writing to the exclusion of all else, because autistic people are bad at transitions and tend to stay hyper focused on the thing they know the most about. For instance, it being hard to drag Sam away from penguins on “Atypical,” or being able to drag Extraordinary Attorney Woo from whales.

Ok, shows with autistic people. Gotta talk about it.

In a lot of shows about people with disabilities, they’re designed to make the neurotypical person look like the hero caretaker and the autist to need that care. The show isn’t about being autistic, but how kind people are in tolerating our quirks, not caring when it goes overboard into infantilizing an adult. In short, you are not a hero because you manage to put up with me. I mean, thanks, but I don’t ever want a friend who shows up out of pity. I would rather be alone, because I can, again, entertain myself. It is more fun to be alone than to put up with that crap.

My life got better when I stopped allowing it. I sound like I know everything because I just throw emotional bombs down like they’re nothing. I take everything literally, so if you ask me a question, I’m going to be sure in my answer even when I’m not, because the autistic brain is not putting everything through a social convention checklist. Ask a question, get an answer. We can’t care any less when you react to it, because it’s something we can’t do anything about. We either sound like dicks or we don’t talk at all because people just say that we’re dicks when we talk to them. Why bother?

My friends’ biggest problem with me historically is that I call them on their bullshit, they scream “you don’t know me,” and within hours/days they come back and say “I hate it that you’re always right.” It’s relentless, because obviously when I talk people take a defensive tone. I cannot win, so I’ve stopped playing.

My boyfriend and my best friend are on the same page….. Something my friend Sarah Anne said about 15 years ago and it’s apt here. “Just let Leslie be Leslie, and let the world fall in love.” It is the most profound thing anyone has ever said, and it wasn’t about my career and my friends’ attitudes toward it, but it’s the perfect fit. She was giving me advice on preaching, when my world was quite a bit smaller.

I often wonder if the people who’ve visited me from Vatican City have stolen lines from me, because I know it’s possible. I’m confident that I’m a good enough preacher to rip off blind. And remember, I don’t need to be a hero. It’s not important to be recognized when there’s a possibility you just gave a Cardinal something to say on Sunday morning.

Because I write about success and things that are interesting to powerful people, like leadership, I think of my fan base as small, but with abilities no one else has. A lot of my audience is more successful than I am. Margaret Cho comes to mind, but I don’t have any evidence that she’s a fan. She just Tweeted my marriage article on Twitter. Sharing one article doesn’t mean she came back, but it doesn’t not mean that, either. I have no idea who is reading based on my web stats unless they’re a part of the WordPress community and leave a like within the app. You have to have an account with WordPress to do that. Everyone else just clicks on the link from Facebook, Reddit, et al. Margaret Cho is not my only reader with that much clout, so my assessment that my audience is small but powerful is correct and I feel solid about it. I have been underestimating my abilities my whole life.

Daniel’s words pushed me to the fucking wall and I thought, “ENOUGH. You just watched Jonna Mendez own herself in front of an entire room of people and she likes your writing and she likes you. She would not think it was impossible that I could do the same. You can’t think of yourself as a shitty writer anymore. Man up.” There is no universe in which I think I couldn’t give an interview at the Spy Museum because they already know me there. It’s just that currently, I don’t have a book to promote. Maybe I’ll do a nonfiction on NASA and CIA or something, but I’d have to find something Vince Houghton didn’t in “Nuking the Moon.” It’s just easy money if the book is good because people genuinely like that topic.

I absolutely do not think I could fail at writing nonfiction, because that’s what I do every single day. I just need an editor because I clean up nice.

It’s an idea to read Zac in on helping me with a nonfiction book, because not only can he edit me, he can fact check me as well. Like, holy shit, the perfect boyfriend dropped into my lap…………… Because I got the confidence to ask for it. I asked Zac out, not the other way around. I’m getting a lot of things these days by asking for them, and it’s sort of embarrassing how long I didn’t know that. I was an arrested teenager for years. I couldn’t set boundaries in relationships for anything in the world because I didn’t know how. I’ve felt steamrolled in every relationship because I was a people pleaser. Once I just started throwing truth bombs on the table and keeping the friends who stayed, I was a lot happier than having friends who I tiptoed around because my self-esteem wasn’t high enough to participate in a give and take. I got love by pleasing other people. Now, I just pick friends that allow themselves the luxury of having productive fights that make you closer, because you’re not holding in all the things that make the other person annoying because you just let them keep annoying you without saying anything and letting MASSIVE resentment build.

It’s not okay, building massive resentment. It will always backfire. Instead of a happy relationship, you’re focusing on yourself and telling yourself that you’re not getting anything because no one notices you. There’s no award for trying to be good enough that your parents don’t see you as a problem child. Your needs going unmet is a you thing, not a them thing. When you say nothing, you become part of the problem.

It’s counterfeit kindness.

Freeze Dried Skittles

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Things have been crazy since Bryn and Dave have been here, and it’s hard to reflect a moment while it’s happening. You may not hear about all the things we did for months, because what tends to happen is that I do something, and then as time passes, the words to be able to describe what happened previously will come to me. Some memories have to rise above the facts to make good writing. I am not talking about “enhancing” a memory. It’s just that it’s hard to describe feelings without much time to even know what they are.

It also depends on how I’m prompted. A lot of the things you learn in this web site are about me because a question (from a prompt, a reader, etc.) will jog a detail that I’d forgotten previously. I have been accused of lying by people saying “that’s not the same story you told last time.” No, it’s not, because it’s a different day and I always have three or four threads running in terms of processing something. Some blog entries are built on one and three. Some entries are built on two and four. But it’s not lying. It’s standing in front of a different part of the elephant.

The view is different when you’re standing at the trunk, but in the next entry, I’ll tell you about the view from the tail. It’s all one day, it’s all one story, but one entry does not cover a whole day. That does not mean if you read both entries, the first one is right and the second one is wrong….. Or vice versa. I am not trying to change a story, but to add additional details that my ADHD brain forgot to include the last time around. I can think in four strands at a time, but I can only write one of them down. That does not invalidate my other thoughts, or make them lies.

I have had to explain this many times, which I have the words for as an adult. I did not have the words for it in first grade, and I was in trouble for lying a lot of the time. Meanwhile, it’s akin to a game I played at the Spy Museum yesterday.

You had 10 seconds to memorize a photo and jot down the relevant details. So, I see that the exhibit is about the Culpeper Ring and the OG Spymaster (George Washington). So, I am trying to record all the details and think, “what’s the pertinent information here?” So, I figured the relevant details would be that there are 25 muskets and 10 cannons headed to Yorktown.

I am so proud of myself. I got the relevant details.

I was questioned over it and I was so fucking confident.

“What color was the pen?”

I failed miserably. But on that one, I got it wrong because I hit the incorrect button with my elbow.

I am probably overthinking this, but I am betting that weapons movement is more important than pen color, but I cannot assume that because I do not know the objective of the mission. My job was to memorize the picture, not to know why they needed the information.

The pen was white, by the way.

But that’s how CIA works. In effect, everyone has a tiny role to play and they all add up to a massive organization. As Jonna Mendez points out, you really don’t even know what operation you’re a part of all the time in terms of major historical events because you’re not read in high enough to see the big picture. You just have to trust that you’re working for the greater good.

I step out on that ledge a lot, because I’m an American. I can criticize CIA every single day all day long and no one is going to lock me up. That lets me love them even more because in a country with a government like China’s, painting their intelligence service’s portrait with more than one color would land me in prison……. Especially if they thought I was painting my feelings as fact.

(“Painting my feelings as fact” is the most beautiful thing anyone has ever said to me in the history of anything, and Supergrover said it when she was angry. The reason it’s gorgeous is that I can’t think of a blog entry in which I didn’t think about using it. That phrase is ridden hard and put up wet around here because I can’t write anything better.)

My point, and I do have one, is that I can tell The Agency to fuck all the way off because of the negative things they’ve done over the years, AND they can be the paramilitary heroes we need- the only friends you’ve got when you’ve traveled and pissed off Putin instead of Biden. I would rather take my chances with Biden, because he might think I was irritating, but there is exactly Jack or shit he can do about it. If they put you in jail for being annoying, I promise I would already be locked up.

CIA is responsible for a lot of bad in the world, but my favorite character in the Marvel universe is Everett Ross (Martin Freeman, the Tolkien case officer in Black Panther). I cannot paint them with one color, because they’ve been adding different hues since 1947. It is important to me not to love them like a child, where everything mommy and daddy do is GREAT! I love them like an adult. I acknowledge the bad and the good. My first priority in intelligence has to be loving my agency because it’s my country, like rooting for DC United instead of the Portland Timbers……… But not at the exclusion of my international friends, whose experiences with CIA might not be as kind as mine. I also get the impression from John Le Carre that I can hate CIA all I want and I’ll still never hate it as much as the people who work there (that was a joke).

If my government is going to allow my intelligence agency (which I personalize because of taxes) to do stupid shit, I like that my government won’t throw me in jail for saying they just did something really stupid. This is always brought home to me by a trip to the museum, and we wandered around for a couple of hours last evening.

Because I’m such a Mendez fan, I went to the Canadian Caper and stopped to “talk” to Tony. I look at his pictures and notes and we have conversations in my head. All the things I would have asked him, etc. I told him that Jonna was AMAZING at her book talk and with the way my insides glowed, it was like he responded. I just figured he’d like to know how she’s doing from an outsider’s perspective. 😉

The museum is not personal to me because of my special interest now. Now, it’s personal to me because I know someone who helped found it. And, of course, because she’s my friend, I want the museum to succeed and sell her books all the time. Seriously. Several times people have asked me for recommendations because I look like I know my way around the book section, and for me, their book section has like seven books tops (that is also a joke- there are MANY intelligence authors I admire, I just don’t know their backstories well, if at all).

I wanted Zac to like the museum because he works in intelligence. I wanted to know whether he thought it was truly representative, what Intel wants people to know about them, etc. He did like the museum, and did love the “artifacts,” which made me feel good. I kind of think of it as his museum, too.

I always like to get a little something at the gift shop because the museum always needs money (they’re not a Smithsonian). This time, it was a small tin with the museum logo that says “DocuMINTS.” I didn’t buy it for the candy, I like the tin for odds and ends because it’s small enough to fit in my pocket and it looks too cool for me.

I am LOVING the retro collection they have now. I’ve already gotten the long sleeved t-shirt, but they’ve also added a hoodie that says “International Spy Museum” in the 1970’s font they used in Argo. As I was telling Zac, I love that the movie starts out like a 1979 movie. I love it because it just looks cool, but it’s also an inside nod to the movie for me.

Lord, I do love a font.

Also, hats off to the casting director on “Argo.” When Zac and I were standing in front of the exhibit, the cast photo and the real photo are nearly identical- to the point that it’s spooky. You really have to get close to tell the difference between Bob Anders and Tate Donovan.

Tate Donovan has been one of my favorite actors since “Space Camp.”

Which is probably why I bought some freeze-dried Skittles in the gift shop as well. Zac loves new and interesting candy, so I gave them to him for his sweets and snacks cabinet. It’s my favorite “room” in the house. 😉

What do space candy and CIA have in common?

Think seriously how we would have gotten to the moon before Russia without them.

It’s a large set of facts I’m painting with my feelings.

Smiley

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

What are your favorite emojis?

I have jokingly called Zac “Smiley” since we met. That’s because George Smiley was John Le Carré’s main character and Zac is not in a big three letter, but he works in both military and civilian intelligence roles. I was delighted one day when I said something in voice dictation like, “you’re adorable, Smiley.” Siri wrote:

You’re adorable 😊

So, if I had to pick one out of all, it’s the OG. I was around when it began, and I use/say it almost as much now as then.

I feel like I use emojis the way they were intended, which is to indicate which lines are jokes… not a mode of communication. To me, that is like saying “I need 300 words on my desk by 1500, but make sure it’s in Wingdings.” Therefore, I hardly ever use emoticons that I can’t type.

It’s not fun to me to stop and insert imagery like a web designer. I will add emojis at the end, but only sometimes. Mostly I am concerned about getting you an answer, not picking pictures.

My other top two are a winking face and a smiley with the tongue hanging out because they’re easy to use at 90 wpm. I also try not to use them in every single paragraph. They are decorations, not cake. My feelings may have more to do with the creation of the web not being what maintains it. As in, I may be telling you things that no longer apply. In my background, they were lifelines to ensure that you let someone know your intent in a chat room, because an emoji transcends language. I get that going to pictures is nothing new and hieroglyphics are valid, but that’s not how we did it in the beginning. I’m not advocating we go backwards. I just haven’t had a situation where I needed to stop talking and use emojis instead. It has never come up.

I also don’t expect other people to be writers, so I am not telling you what you should do, either. I am saying that my habits are built from having specifically a desktop since I was eight. It was a different feel not to have the Internet on all the time, like a utility. You might have only been able to chat for a few minutes before someone accidentally picked up the phone. The phone lines carried both data and voice just like the internet does now, but picking up another phone in the house would drop the data connection and you would be “kicked off.” I have to explain this because not all my readers are my age.

I wish I could remember more of those early conversations, because I didn’t realize how quickly my day to day life was changing. My watch has a faster processor now than my desktop had back then.

I have a watch that would have genuinely been helpful at CIA during The Cold War, and I would not doubt that they had something like an Apple Watch long before we did. It’s not because I think there’s a deep state or anything shady. It’s that with all the technology research CIA does, a computer that’s capable of sitting on your wrist like a Pip-Boy can’t be an original idea. Jonna used to take calls from her staff after “Get Smart” and “Dragnet” from officers saying, “can we do that?”

But there’s a second reason, and that’s that during one of Jonna’s talks, she said that they do such specialized things that one person will spend their entire career on one thing, like batteries or cameras. That’s because once an asset got to the place where they were supposed to plant the bug, it had to last a long time, because who knows how long it will be before we can get into that room again? And in fact, she was talking about “The Americans,” the scene where the maid hides the bug in Caspar Weinberger’s clock.

(I thought it was really funny that Ollie North consulted on “The Americans. It’s just the richest ending to that story I could imagine, because it was a major one. I remember it and I couldn’t have been even a teenager yet.)

We, the people of the chatrooms, have conversations exactly like this because we’re always looking for the next new thing, computer-wise. Zac and I have a Chinese Wall on technology, because he knows I’m interested and I’ll ask way more questions than he could possibly answer. The only thing he’ll say is the history of something if it’s UNCLASS. Like, “we have stuff that looks similar.” If he says “looks similar,” that’s kind of my cue to go read a book. 😉

I have never been in a chatroom where we weren’t discussing computers or the chessboard at some point. I have no doubt that I’ve met half of Anonymous by now. I know for certain I’ve met one. I didn’t even have to catch him at anything. He took some Ambien and came to my house because he still couldn’t sleep……… Then I didn’t sleep for three days.

However, he was the kind of hacker you want. Someone who’s a hacktivist on the good guys’ side. White hats do exist.

In all of my years on the Internet, it’s been as nonbinary as everything else about me. I got sucked into the world of hacking, but I don’t hack. It’s kind of the way Lindsay is woven into the queer community in Houston even though she’s cis and straight.

Oh, and I should write this down. “Enby” is short for nonbinary. It’s the gender that most fits me, and yet I don’t care if people think I’m male or female. Pronouns are not about respect to me, because I think it’s more important for me to know who I am than anyone else. Pronouns are a non-issue because I don’t make them one. The easiest thing is just to say “they” if you don’t know, anyway. It’s funny how my gender often depends on how people perceive me, which most of the time is female, but when people don’t look closely, I’m always a “sir.” Neither bother me in the slightest.

(And for the record, if you misgender me, just apologize and move on….. Because you didn’t misgender me and I’m not offended. Plus, I do not need your entire history with trans people as an apology. I’m sure your nephew is great.)

The truth is, though, lots of people on the Internet are nonbinary by now, whether we like it or not. The Internet has changed the rules of the game because you become disconnected from your physical body during emotional intimacy. It’s not that way for everyone, obviously, but it’s a good observation of most. For instance, “straight guys” trolling gay chatrooms because they’re curious and don’t want anyone to know they’re chatting with other queer people at night.

And most of the time, that comes off as rage bait. It’s very popular to come into a gay online community and start asking things like “so which one’s the wife?” And you watch a mix of insults go by because it’s our space.

It is also true that a disproportionately large neurodivergent community exists on the web because we built it. I have always worked with other autistic people without being able to identify it for myself, because I did not know that I was social masking, first of all (in a way that other people don’t), and I also didn’t know that you can have a full range of emotions and pick up all social cues and guess what? That’s not what autism is, either. It’s a criteria, but it’s not all of it.

Being autistic is absolutely why I gravitated toward Linux. It wasn’t to play around with Linux, necessarily. Part of it was learning Linux, and it was exciting because I could do things that very few people my age could do. The better part was a group of people who could understand me in my own language, which for years turned into me being the only woman in many rooms (because that’s mostly how I’ve presented at the office, although we all kind of look nonbinary in  Oregon because we’re all wearing the same Columbia jacket we got on sale last summer at REI.

I wouldn’t have learned any of the things I’ve learned about myself without an Internet connection, because I didn’t have many queer friends growing up locally in Texas, but I had a ton of them in Australia.

So, I suppose the easiest way to say it is something you’ve heard all your life, so I hope it makes sense.

“My kindom is not of this world.”

😉

This Needs Attention

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

There needs to be an overhaul of #dailyprompt on WordPress, because not being able to use it cuts you off from the WordPress community. I got more exposure from #dailyprompt and #dailyprompt-x than I have from tagging anything else. That’s because you’re more likely to appear in people’s feeds because they have it- people have to go looking for things like “friendships,” “relationships,” and “CIA.” And now I’m really laughing hard because to a new reader, this must look horribly confusing and I think it’s better to just leave it.

If you only have dailyprompt-x for so many days, and then you just start reusing them, eventually, you can’t answer them anymore. It doesn’t matter to me that it’s an old prompt. I am never starting from the same place on a different day, especially with 365 days in between. It also reinforces using the Jetpack app, which I have noticed they like reminding you to use it a lot…… So make it easier, Matt (Mullenweg, owner of Automattic). It creates a habit, and literally the only habit I have. Now, I’m feeling a bit weird at committing to write every day and I somehow have to think of it myself? Like I’m a creative writer? This is bullshit.

I hope I’m kidding…………..

I have gotten so used to rolling over, picking up my tablet, and seeing what the prompt is- then taking a few minutes to think about it while I get myself together- and writing everything in one shot.

One of the funniest things I’ve ever gotten is that the prompt came out at midnight and by 12:30 AM I had a fully functioning essay ripping Evangelicals a new one; a reader said, “whoa. You are good at this.” How did he know I was good at it? Daily prompt tag.

I write a lot faster when I feel passionately about something, and a writing prompt doesn’t have to be followed strictly. You receive the idea, and whatever comes up, comes up. If the prompt is about a time in my life when I felt embarrassed and it was on a fishing trip so my ADHD brain jumps to everything I know about fish, it’s still valid because I was still prompted.

Today’s is “topics I’d like to discuss.”

And I’m all like, “this web site is always about me. What about them?”

I will talk to anyone about anything, but I like listening to subject matter experts. That’s why living in Washington is so important to me. One of the best nights I’ve ever had socializing in Silver Spring was stopping into a restaurant on a whim (All Set for some Sriracha Cheddar biscuits. If Red Lobster closes, Silver Spring is going to be okay). I started talking to the man next to me and he was president of the National Black Journalism Association. So, I got to hear about what he does and how he does it. Those are the conversations I treasure because I am all about self-improvement and learning from people who are better than me at what they do. I think that people think I’m obsessed with fame, but they don’t see Tim Ferris that way.

There’s a difference between wanting fame and wanting success.

Not only that, I’m not impressed by anyone, ever. I find that if I get impressed, I won’t speak at all. The inverse is also true. The more that you treat people like you’re impressed, the less they want to get to know you because you’re somehow weirdly obsessed with them. I got my own taste of that when I realized that I did not want to date a fan. Since I have mentioned that Supergrover started as a fan, I feel like I have to specifically say I’m not referring to her.

I went on a date with a woman who’d read me and she grilled me over the coals. It felt like one would feel when they show up to a party and get served because of the bait and switch. I will give you a for-instance. If I said on my blog that I was married three years ago, then why am I not married now? Fair. But it just kept getting deeper and deeper, like she was trying to catch me in a lie and there was some kind of “gotcha” somewhere. She didn’t do anything specifically wrong, per se. I’ll just never forget the feeling of being on the witness stand and not being able to give any right answers. If they didn’t match up exactly to what I’d written months ago, then I was a liar……. When time had gone by and I was in a different mindset and god knows what I was thinking while I was writing that day…….. You get my drift.

Blog entries are just a snapshot of my day, and you can see it in my feelings between entries, because some entries are diametrically opposed. To me it is a way of saying to the world “yes, she can be taught.” I don’t feel like I am now lying, I feel like someone is holding me to the past. My blog is helpful to me because I can see where I need to grow and adjust. It is not useful to have people around me that do not see it as a living document. Everything is being amended to reflect progress.

It’s also about accountability. I can’t go back and cover up my past, but I can read it to change my future. It’s scary to go back and look at what you’ve said in light of what it did and didn’t do for you, and that’s what happens when I go back and read an entry from even last year or the year before. It doesn’t take five years for things to change. It doesn’t even take one. The blog changes every single day not because I’m making things up, but because I make it my business to think about how I can improve my relationships and get clarity on my life.

However, I made a decision to paint myself as an unreliable narrator because I am. I have given you everything you need to know about why I am an unreliable narrator, and that mostly has to do with the fact that narration is unreliable in and of itself. It’s harder to take seriously when that person is documented as having mental health issues.

I am not trying to be anything I’m not. Interesting, yes. But an expert? No. I’m also still laughing about “who peer reviews you?” Because if there was a peer review for bloggers back in the day, it was all of us commenting on each other’s posts. People don’t comment now. They acknowledge. It’s the difference between Facebook and Reddit. Both have ways of one-tap recognition, but redittors are not known for being terse. Reading people’s writing on Reddit is sometimes better than reading a novel…… As long as you don’t mind looking through a lot of spam and porn to find actual intelligence. Reddit is the best of us because it’s the worst of us….. Just like we loved “The Real World” when it stopped being polite, and started getting real.

For instance, I posted on r/washingtondc about the beauty of Washington and how you should stop and take a look because it’s worth it, etc. Basically using lines I’ve used with you guys about DC before. All of the sudden, I had almost 300 upvotes along with a cacophony of where’s hiking? Where’s biking? What are you talking about?” People came out of the woodwork saying “here’s where to rent a boat,” here’s where to hike/bike, here’s the good lakes, etc.

And when you’re in r/washingtondc, you do not dare mention Virginia or Maryland. There are places to do all of these things inside the city if you are not expecting the Columbia River Gorge dumped into a major metropolitan area, which is what most of the people from Seattle seemed to be so fucking mad about. Like “Rock Creek Park is not hiking…. When I was a hiker…. :::dramatic flare:::

Sit your jack ass down.

I realize that this is not The Gorge, but Rock Creek Park does have good hiking, and I think that Great Falls is just as beautiful as anything I’ve seen on the West Coast. Just because it’s a little different doesn’t make it less divine. Sailing on the Chesapeake is just as spiritually satisfying as driving out The Gorge.

I’m blessed that I’ve gotten to live on all three coasts in the US, because I’ve lived in Houston/Galveston as well. I also know that I am an Oregonian, not a Californian. I am not that kind of “West Coast.” Portland is full of old white lesbians that nine times out of ten look something like Paul McCartney. I fit right in.

Oregonians and Californians have a tense relationship, because basically when California started becoming expensive, Portland became the new hot place to live. Oregonians are gatekeepers, most of whom think should have closed when they came in. I am guilty of a little bit of that because it made rent skyrocket dramatically. I lived in Portland when it was the right time for someone my age to do that, but I’m glad I left. It’s not just that I’m a different person, it’s that Portland is a different city. If I moved back, Portland would remind me of DC and not the other way around in terms of the way the city is more focused on business and industry, less on being the place where “young people go to retire.”

Maryland’s suburbs do not remind me of Oregon, but Virginia’s do. There are lots of pockets that look like Lake Oswego, Beaverton, etc. On the Maryland side, the population is too dense to spread out like that. Zac’s neighborhood is a perfect example of what we don’t do here in MD, because it’s a townhome community backed up to a nature preserve. It looks very much like many of the houses I visited in Oregon. It’s not a beauty contest to me. Both cities have a lot to offer, I just think Washington has more because of the transit infrastructure (I would be broke trying to get around Portland or Houston). I don’t wake up every day and think, “God, The District is gorgeous, but it’s not Oregon.”

I’m not always on Reddit.

Here’s my favorite quote so far:

That morning was when I began to invent my own personal version of shorthand, which I would continue to use throughout my career. It was so secure and so covert that even I couldn’t make out its meaning sometimes.

I gravitated toward her style in some ways because it’s reminiscent of mine. Or mine is reminiscent of hers, but I started writing before I started reading her books. So, chicken and egg debate on who sounds like whom. I know I sound like her when I write about intelligence because she’s my touchstone on how to do that. But as a general rule, both she and Tony write like me because their books and my blog are both memoirs. Mine is just written paragraphs at a time.

Memoirs are one-sided, always. People get very angry about them. Will Smith, Jada Pinkett Smith, and Harry Wales are the three recent memoirs that have caused the most scandal, but all memoirs are written with one person’s story in mind- the writer’s. I keep memoirists in my head all day long because I only have a few people giving me blowback at any given time, not a nation or a kingdom.

I don’t think I could cause an international incident with my blog, but give it time……. Eyeroll.

If I could pick a writer that I would like to spend a day with, learning their secrets, it would be Vladimir Zelenskyy. I’ve thought he was brilliant since I saw “Servant of the People” on Netflix, so I know that we are kindred spirits. This is because he’s also interested in writing, comedy, political affairs, satire, etc. I believe I would need a translator, but if I were to meet Zelenskyy at all, I would FIND a translator. There’s got to be a Yellow Pages in this house somewhere, damn.

The other thing I learned this week that I’m going to have to tease Jonna about the next time I see her is that I’ve already found a typo. She called it “Silver Springs.” I kidded her that one day I’d write something as good as hers and she said, “it’s good you’re still workin’ on that.” Every time I hear her say it in my head, I fall over laughing. It was the right way to tease a writer…. Because I like talking to subject matter experts. It means a lot to me that we can joke about craft, and more importantly, I know that Jonna has lived in my little town.

The funniest gag in the first episode of “SOTP” for me was the newly elected president saying he needed to stop by the mall for a CD for his niece on the way to work because it’s her birthday. His staff offers to do it for him so he can get to work. He agrees and the scene ends.

Later, the secret service show up with the band, because as they explained, they could not find the CD.

And on that note, it’s time to go and make coffee…….. Because I just heard the pipes.

Just Me and the Boys

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

People who have known me my whole life have seen me in makeup and heels, with curled bangs and either waved or crimped hair (really). My hair is very thick and stick straight. Without a waver, I would have had no body in my hair at all. Now, I keep it short so I don’t have to worry about “body” to make it look good. So, you see, my hair has never been a part of my feminine identity. I just wanted to wear what A) I thought looked good B) fit into the category of not really showing my body in any way.

I am not a prude, I am autistic and want cloth to make me feel secure and help me move better (my cerebral palsy/hypotonia/lack of 3D vision are also tied to autism). Therefore, I am usually wearing trousers as opposed to shorts, and if I’m not wearing a long sleeved shirt, it has to get really damn hot before I’ll even think of taking off my hoodie.

Bryn and Dave coming to visit is a perfect example. Since we’ll be going to museums, that means jeans and a t-shirt with a hoodie or a jacket. That’s because it might be cool outside, but it will definitely be cold in the air conditioning. They want to go to SPY, and when Bryn told me that, I said, “the SPY museum? I’m not familiar.” For new readers, they should just count out the middle man and give me an apartment out back.

The last time I went, I got a long-sleeved boys’ t-shirt (size large fits so perfectly on me because the shoulders look tailored to my frame and the sleeves don’t go over my hands). It’s navy and has three stripes across the front with a spy in a hat carrying a briefcase is running through it, as well as International Spy Museum stacked on the stripes. It’s one of the coolest shirts I’ve ever seen, and says “Washington, DC” down the sleeve. The only thing it doesn’t have is the official logo of the museum on the sleeve, and personally, that’s what makes it for me.

When I first moved here, the spy museum was on F Street (now it’s at L’Enfant Plaza) and I loved it because of the Shake Shack across the street. It was also more intimate.

Here’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened to me at the museum which makes for hilarity later:

So, at the Spy Museum, the introduction has changed. On F Street, you walked in and there were plaques with all these different covers on them. You had to choose one and use it throughout the whole walkthrough. What they did not say is that it is sort of a computer based training sort of thing, where you have to remember the details of what you’ve heard and answer questions about them.

I’m lightly panicking because I am only a tiny bit known for my acting ability and I wouldn’t know the first thing about magic (that’s how Tony and Jonna pulled off their tricks- using the same concept as you would use on stage, and in an intelligence officer’s case, their stage is their area of operations).

I decide that because of my frame, my best shot at this is an 18-year-old male from Britain called Colin.

So there I am, walking around like a jackass…… I’m trying to figure out an accent, mannerisms, walk, the whole nine yards.

Then, I got inside the museum and therefore the first computer, and I nearly fell on the floor laughing.

That was the day I bought a t-shirt that said “Argo @#$% Yourself” in black with the museum logo on the sleeve. Then, years later, I got a picture of him wearing the same shirt from Jonna and it made my year because he’d already passed and I wondered if he even knew about them.

Later, I learned that he and Jonna were on the board of the museum, so I’m pretty sure he knew about them.

God, I hope that they make more Mendez movies. I would love for Hollywood to make a mashup of “The Moscow Rules” and “In True Face.” That’s because since “Argo” won best picture, that story has already been told. The ones during The Cold War have not. I assume that Hollywood will get it together.

Rule #1

Assume nothing.

Rule following gets you nowhere in my line of work. In the world of “go big or go home,” this is the only place I feel truly comfortable doing so, because it’s such a part of me. I’m not very physically capable, but I can throw together a sentence or two. I love that other people love my candor and honesty because it shows me every day that I do not have to please anyone. People will show up every day to hear what I say no matter what it is.

That being said, they will always have to come to me. I am not Shonda Rimes.

:::stares in Grey’s Anatomy:::

“It’s an American tendency to ruin things a little bit so we can have more of it.” -The Good Place re: ice cream vs. frozen yogurt

I am strong enough to take massive criticism by ignoring it. That’s because for every person that says my writing is terrible, there’s one who thinks I’m the best blogger they’ve ever read. Or, in this day and age, they think long form Internet posts are new because they’re too young to remember 2001, which is when I started my old blog, “Clever Title Goes Here.” I sometimes wonder if I’d have done better staying under the same name, but now that it’s been 12 or 13 years since I tanked Clever Title at my own hand, I’ve gotten back any potential “customers” I lost. My web stats aren’t enormous, but they aren’t small, either. I have to compare my audience to congregation size, because then a small number of people looks ENORMOUS.

Today, I had web stats on my post a minute and a half after I published it, and a like three and a half minutes later. That means someone is reading me AS SOON as the entry comes out. And then, my watch buzzes all afternoon because JetPack doesn’t tell you every time someone visits, but every time someone notices you inside the WordPress community. Therefore, an astounding number of my readers are people who are writers just like me.

Including, apparently, my boyfriend….. Who didn’t tell me he had a blog until we’d been dating a year. A year. A YEAR, people. It’s been the most helpful thing I’ve ever experienced, being written about rather than writing about someone else. I don’t have to cut off any one of my limbs to see Zac’s blog entries about me, he’ll link to me and I’ll get what’s called a “ping back.”

Because I got a ping back instead of a note from Zac that he’d answered my daily prompt entries with one of his own, I thought I was meeting this great new local blogger, and my friends will think I had as big a “dumbass attack” as I actually did when I didn’t know his userid….. MrWould.

Speaking of which, Zac is not a super fan. He surfs and reads me occasionally, but we don’t obsessively read each other’s writing. It feeds me because I actually get to tell him about my life and add more detail than I can here because we have more modes of communication- like talking. Sometimes I forget that I actually do need to see people’s eyes… Or in the case of a video chat, their legs. 😉 If you haven’t seen them stand up in three years, it’s been too long since you’ve seen ’em.

There’s a lot to be said in a hug that can’t be voiced, and I need to remember it. Keep it. Write it down.

I just did, but I hear a particular voice in my head when I type it. Supergrover and I have a favorite “influencer” on Instagram, so when I heard the voice in my head, I thought of SG! and laughed.

Ah, where were we? (When I think of her personality, I go a little starry-eyed…..)

My audience size is not influencer size, but that has less to do with my talent and more to do with the fact that less people are willing to read long entries at all. I had a guy in r/washingtondc ask me “do people still have blogs?” This is why Jaz called me “prehistoric,” I guess.

I am, however, known. People who have much stronger voices than me have liked things I said. My favorite so far has been “Picoult, that line slayed. I’m stealing it.” The heart was worth its weight in gold, because she was my mother’s favorite author in the whole entire world.

We were also both watching the first trans woman we’d ever seen on Oprah Winfrey, and I told her she hadn’t aged a day since then (I think her autobiography was published in either the late 90s or early 200s) and what was her secret? She said, “moisturize.”

That trans woman was Jennifer Finney Boyle, co=author with Jodie Picoult on the novel “Mad Honey.”

I’ve met Anne Lamott, David Sedaris, and Jonna Mendez. Therefore, I have met my top three favorite authors so far, and I hope to continue meeting them as I acquire good books. There are some I need to get on it faster than others………. I learned that lesson hardcore when I got to DC just as Tony Mendez stopped doing public appearances because of the Parkinson’s. I missed him by mere months.

There are just so many reasons I wish both Dana and I had been here before 2015. That being said, I would not have wanted to wait any longer to see that we were capable of physical violence when we were both melting down, because then I could say honestly that we were not good for each other without putting blame on either one of us. Neither one of us are all bad or all good. There had been a storm brewing for quite some time at that point, and I believe that the only reason we didn’t survive is that we didn’t listen to ourselves whisper, so we listened to ourselves scream.

If you ignore a problem, you think it goes away and it doesn’t. It accrues interest in a bank account you can’t access because you won’t. No one wants to go through the pain of introspection- not even me. It is truly a feeling of “Feel the Fear, and Do It, Anyway” (Susan Jeffers’ groundbreaking book). This is because the more I explore the internal mechanisms of my brain, the more I feel comfortable in my own skin. My bullshit detector has grown in full force, because I have found my own north star and internal compass. Sometimes, it’s devastatingly wrong, but it’s still my compass as opposed to trying to earn someone else’s or give mine away.

My goal is a movie deal based on my novel, and I think I can pull it off if I work very hard. But it is not time for writing fiction yet in terms of a work in progress. That is because I don’t have all the main story points worked out. I don’t have to work out highlights, but transitions. Where the peaks and valleys are, because I’m writing about war. I have to learn the ins and outs of what means victory and what means defeat. That’s because I don’t know whether the book will end with an L or a W. For instance, a country that wins a war but is bombed within every square inch doesn’t feel like a win to them once the real work of rebuilding sets in. Yet no one ever seems to remember how much work goes into rebuilding something and think, “maybe we shouldn’t blow things up.” I know that war is diplomacy through other means, but it seems like people could try a little harder than “obviously, we cannot reach a conclusion so let’s just start killing each other; whoever gets the most shots in is the winter.”

We can’t all be Elizabeth McCord.

So, in my quest for world peace, I am also thinking about scaling. I cannot go from not knowing how to write fiction at all to producing a book quickly. I am soaking up master classes from everyone I can find. Brandon Sanderson put his whole semester of “Intro to Science Fiction” at BYU on YouTube. There are lots of others, but so far, this playlist is my favorite.

Brandon actually says in the first lecture that this is not just for science fiction writers. He’s going to throw everything at us and we can take it or leave it, from plot, setting, and character to getting it sold.

Zac is also a good resource in this because he submits fiction to contests. On one of them, I was in the writer’s room. “We” got some good feedback. I didn’t help write the whole story, but offered suggestions he took and it made me feel like a million dollars.

I am so rich you wouldn’t believe it if words of assurance could be legal tender. I have so many friends across the world……………….

And also you. 😂😂😂

Kidding, kidding.

This has been a marvelous tangent (realizing what irritates me about Tolkien- I am in this picture and I do not like it. #unsubscribe #block #report), The point was supposed to be about my being nonbinary, and I went from clothes into sensory issues to God knows what and here we are, back at the place where we started.

I wear boys’ clothes, yet comfortable with my femininity. People have expressed this to me in a variety of ways, most of them unprintable. A taste of this would be “you look like a boy, but you….” I’ll let your mind finish that sentence because this is not a family show and you know that already.

My point is that when I started really trying to examine my gender, I realized I saw it on me, but not within me. That how much of each gender I feel might show up in my clothes, accessories, etc. but I have no official attachment to either.

I am very aware that I sound male on the Internet and I use it effectively by saying things a woman would say “in a man’s voice” online. More men pay attention to me that way, and I do not mean that I am inviting male attention. I mean that I have both sets of social masking and I flip from one to the other depending on who is with me. When I am alone, I am stereotypically male. You can see it in my tone even in this entry. My brain is mostly male. I just don’t have any attachment to the male or female body, which is why I am not trans or cis. I feel like it’s a good place to be, because if I had to have a double mastectomy, I would be relieved. All of the sudden, my shirts would hang right. I don’t mean I am unhappy in my body, I am saying that it doesn’t matter what gender I look like because it’s not really a part of my reality.

So much of gender expression is automated by society…. But do people really sit there and think about the fact that they’re cis all the time? I would think it wouldn’t come up unless it was a question people genuinely needed to ask themselves. What cis people don’t understand is that they don’t have to understand. They just have to treat nonbinary and trans as a non-issue. As a redditor posted, “I don’t know French, either, but I respect it exists.” Just because you don’t know something doesn’t make it invalid. The people making it invalid are people who don’t know Jack or shit about gender because they never had to doubt it.

I know I sound like every computer geek who’s ever lived….. And most of them are male. Therefore, I have social masked men my entire career. I also like the Texas old guy patois, and I slip into it easily online because I slip into that patois when I’m not speaking vocally.

I don’t like my voice, so therefore I don’t phrase things like a woman very often. For some reason, hearing the pitch of my own voice makes me act more like a woman than I feel in my head.

Social masking.

My voice is also higher in a recording than I would like it to be, and eschew that, too…… Unless the notes are already high and I need the help.

It always sounds better in the room than on a recording when I sing, because when I’m on a recording, you’re not taking in my emotions. I have a lot of emotions, even in Latin.

I actively run away from my voice because it’s a trap. I don’t sound the way I want to sound, and I don’t want to lose my top range, either. I often think I would think about my childhood a lot less if my voice was deeper, and only the people that were there would understand that tone matters, that dropping an octave makes the note feel so much further away…. Not so extremely loud and incredibly close.

I need a breath after that paragraph.

In this case, it actually would help to be able to cry out from the deep instead of the waves. I got very, very, very lucky that the chord ever resolved at all. Otherwise, I would have been a lovesick teenager chasing after someone who didn’t want me.

Which is what I think about, when it’s just me and the boys.

I Have Absolutely No Idea What to Say Today

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Despite my best intentions, today may be a “show about nothing.” That’s basically all I know about Seinfeld because I wasn’t a fan back in the day. I don’t remember a lot of what I watched in high school except “Animaniacs” and “Jeopardy!” At that age, I was usually sitting on the floor of my bedroom with my headphones on trying to be Miles Davis. I assure you that I always thought I sounded better when I was alone, because I wasn’t focusing on pleasing the crowd and making a show go well.

I do remember the highlights. I was more happy that I impressed Doc than impressing a crowd, because I did a solo in “Come Rain or Come Shine” and Doc’s response was “Leslie Lanagan! 9th Grade, ladies and gentlemen. NINTH GRADE.” I was also the soloist on a local Houston TV show called “Black Voices” (yes. Really. But it wasn’t because Summer Jazz Workshop was all white. It’s because I beat out everyone else. I got that solo from Konrad Johnson, director of one of the most famous jazz bands in  the nation- Kashmere High School. I’ve mentioned this before, but Kashmere got a chart on the soundtrack to “Baby Driver,” and Konrad, who has now passed, is memorialized in a bigger way than just locally in Houston.

When a black jazz director picks the white boy for a solo on a television show called “Black Voices,” it means the fucking world. I have rarely felt more “I’m on top of the world” than that. It’s also really funny in retrospect.

If I had to describe my sound, it’s very much like Wynton Marsalis. This is because he’s who I studied the most closely to learn both jazz and classical. Let me tell you about the time I met Wynton. I walked right up to him and said, “Wynton, I’ve waited my whole life to meet you.” It’s funny because I was 15 and also true. I’ve been listening to Wynton since I was in the womb because my dad is also a trumpet player. You can see him most weeks on the Second Baptist broadcast in Houston, or streaming over the Internet.

My dad’s claim to fame is that when he was in high school, he went to the 50 yard line and played “The Star Strangled Banana” all by himself instead of having a singer and accompaniment. I have no doubt that it was absolutely gorgeous, because I inherited his “elements of style.”

Speaking of which, a bookstore worker was talking on Reddit about how this person came in and said she needed a book for her daughter, who was a writer. It was by “shrunken white,” and EVERYONE was confused. But what writer wouldn’t have known it from “shrunken white?”

(It’s “Elements of Style,” by Strunk & White.)

If I have any advice to give writers (because I’ve done it so many years, not because I think I’m “all that and a bag of chips”), it’s write where you feel the most comfortable. Sometimes, it’s at my desk. Sometimes, it’s under the covers.

Write where you feel the absolute least threatened, because your emotions will flow through you a lot easier that way. You’re still writing about your own head when you’re in fiction mode. It’s just expressed as your characters.

That’s because we’re making it up as we go along, hoping you’ll track with us. Even if you’re an architect to plans in advance, that’s no guarantee that people will track with you. It’s your system, not theirs. I am not an architect. I’m a gardener. I start at one place and dig down. Otherwise, it’s not my diary.

It’s trying to impress the crowd, and this time, I don’t want to do that. I want to move and challenge people so that they’ll come along with me and not the other way around. The right people will gravitate, and whether that’s a hundred or 10 million is of no consequence to me because I’m obviously going to write whether people think it’s worthy of money or not. I don’t have to be validated by anyone else. I have received enough praise and been compared to enough people better than me that I feel solid. I don’t have to worry that I’m so far not successful because of lack of talent. If Margaret Cho and Jonna Mendez both think I can write my ass off, then I fucking can.

So, I don’t have to believe the people who say I’m a hack anymore.

In terms of writers to whom I’ve been compared, I get David Sedaris the most frequently. I can be as funny as he is, but I’m not. We don’t often share the same goal, which is to make people laugh outright. Mostly, I can’t because I don’t feel like it. When I’m not feeling funny, I’m not.

And that’s why people come here- to see both the good and the bad- not because mine is better than anyone else’s, but that mine exists over people who aren’t writers. There are lots of people with web sites that don’t actually say anything. I don’t want mine to be one of them.

I would be a powerful speaker in public if I liked my voice, because I have been told I already am a powerful speaker in public. I know this solidly because I have preached sermons multiple times that have been well received. You don’t graduate from being a preacher’s kid without having picked up some tricks over the years. Just because I’m not a minister doesn’t mean I don’t have that patois when I’m writing or in front of a crowd.

I don’t have to believe the people who say I’m not a good preacher.

My grandfather always said “write it tight” because he was a publicity man for Lone Star Steel. He actually learned the same type photography as Jonna Mendez, basically hanging out of an airplane to take overhead photos. It’s interesting to me that she was a spy and he was publicity and yet they learned the same tricks.

In terms of writing it tight, I do in certain sentences because it fits a mood. That mood is the one I’m in at the moment. I am INFJ, neurodivergent, nonbinary, queer, poly, etc. Therefore, I have never made a decision on what kind of person I am in my life.

“The Counselor” personality is a thousand years old when it is born. We are born with a desperate need to search inside ourselves for answers, because we have an absolute neediness when it comes to wanting to improve the world. We need to feel wanted and valued, but the way we do that is by trying to lead people by laying out our vulnerabilities first. It is not a narcissistic game, but a realistic understanding of what it will take to create connection and resolution vs. power over.

My personality is enormous in the smallest of ways. I don’t approach this blog like I’m a god, but that I am whispering into the night and hoping it resonates with other people. This is true among people who do not know me, but is not true among people who know me.

Therefore, I feel like I know Jesus on a deep and spiritual level, and anything written to amplify his life into being divine is not the message and never should have been in the first place.

Sticky, sticky blood theology bothers the everliving shit out of me. That’s because it’s focusing on what I believe was a marketing campaign to spread his story. That I don’t have to have mystery and magic to think that the historical Jesus is valuable and actually taught people things to which they should pay attention. Our entire religion backfired during The Crusades because supposedly religious superiority launched war off a nomadic preacher who taught people to love each other.

Again, it’s the strangest transformation in history.

The first mistake was turning Jesus from a brown person into a white person, and blaming Jews for the crucifixion and not the Romans. He was a destitute homeless person, basically. But he did it by choice.

I do not understand people who trade his supposed glory for what he was actually trying to say– to you and to all the other people in history who have colonized others. My favorite line in The Gospels is “render unto Caesar what it Caesar’s, and render unto God what is God’s.” This is because it’s like he’s telling power to its face “you do you, but okay.”

It’s the messages they’ve missed in the middle of the mess. And I am so tired. Evangelicals are exhausting because they treat Jesus like this professional Christian superhero when he was basically thrown away like white people have thrown away black people for hundreds of years.

There is no reason for this foolishness…. And yet, they persist.

Focusing on the resurrection is not about any of that. It’s being willing to believe that if you will be forgiven for your mistakes, it means you’re allowed to make them. It does not mean you don’t have to say you’re sorry….. And that’s the kind of Christianity that’s woven into the Republican Party.

You do you, but okay.

The Asset

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I had one of the strangest, most moving experiences I’ve ever had with a person just because he was my Uber driver, and I was wearing a baseball cap. If you’re a fan, you already know what it says, and your heart is probably beating a little faster now that you’ve read the title.

I have told you that I am the kind of person that people get deep with, fast. I hear a lot of “I’ve never told anyone this before.” People spill information to me that they would never tell anyone else. And in fact, I’ve been sitting on this story for about a week because I had to feel it completely before I could describe it.

I was using Uber Share, so I ended up in the front seat. I got dropped off last, so we had plenty of time to talk. I asked the driver where he was from. He said, almost too quietly, “Afghanistan.” Because of his demeanor, I thought, “oh, Allah. Here we go.” I walked right into it, because when people say “Afghanistan” quietly, there’s a story there. I knew it was going to be large, and it was going to hurt. However, I did not know in advance that it wouldn’t hurt because I’ve wanted to meet someone like him for a very long time. It was a blessing from Allah for both of us, reciprocal in nature…… Like slicing over a wound until he touched my arm.

He was a cleaner in the Afghan government somewhere, and we asked him to work for us. Then, we got him out when shit hit the fan. He knew he wanted to come here, and that’s why he agreed to work for the letters stuck semi permanently on my head…… The OG have seen it coming.

C

I

A

They’re my three favorite letters in the whole world because of three people. The first and second are Jonna and Tony Mendez. The third is Anthony Bourdain, who is a double dipper because he loved spies with every fiber of his being, and he also went to Culinary Institute of America.

One of these days, one of Zac’s friends who is “recovering CIA” will cook with me….. And I will get my moment.

“Didn’t they teach you ANYTHING?”

So, this man (a boy in my eyes) weaves a tale that has me so mesmerized I don’t even notice when we arrive at my house, nor do I want to get out of the car. Not really.

He left everything just for the American dream. Happier than he was in Afghanistan, but devastatingly homesick and can’t go back. Family still there that he won’t see for years, if ever.

It’s a lot.

People who sacrifice for America aren’t just Americans.

He started to cry as he was telling me how much he missed the land, more so when he told me about his family.

The reason I didn’t want to get out of the car is that I was crying, too.

When you are voting on immigration, think of people like him and not the pictures of immigrants that politicians try to make without reading any actual data. There is no doubt that once he was recruited, he could have died for our country and not his own. That’s how badly people want to come here. It’s people who believe in us more than we believe in ourselves….. Because we’ve created a pyrite dream all over the world, where the riches promised are left to the imagination…. Harder when that reality really sets in.

I do think that ultimately it was worth it, because even he agrees. That’s what matters. And an Uber driver in the United States probably makes the same as a cleaner in Afghanistan due to the value of each currency. It is not like he had to come here and discover all of his certifications were worthless. However, I do understand the feeling of exile. I had so many rights in Oregon that I lost when I moved to Texas. That’s because gay marriage didn’t come along until 2008 federally. So, even though we were a married couple in Oregon, we weren’t in Texas. It is a different feeling when you don’t want to go back than when you can’t.

He healed more things in me than he’ll ever know, and I hope that unburdening himself made him feel lighter as well.

Now I can say quite literally that CIA has given me some of the best moments of my life- meeting the Chief of Disguise, and now the type of people we need to collect information in the first place.

We saved him, because he saved us first.