clothing – Stories That Are All True

I didn’t go on my morning coffee run to Dunkin because I dropped my car off for service. Something is wrong with the EVAP sensor, and it is the damndest thing… My air intake hose is missing. I think it must have been stolen off of my car, because Ford would have noticed it if it had been missing when they changed the oil. The only way that is possible is if I left it unlocked, and I might’ve. Who knows? I am still getting to know the car and could have spaced it. All I know is that I have never popped the hood and removed anything myself.

It’s crazy how fast I have become attached to driving, as if riding the bus doesn’t enter my thought process anymore. I will have to arrange a ride to my Cognitive Behavioral Health group if I do not get my car back by Wednesday, because I cannot call Metro for transportation day of- I must call or register online the day before.

If I get my car back tonight or in the morning, I’m driving out to see Tiina in Stafford because she has the day off work. We had such a good time in Baltimore that I’m eager to see her and her “progeny in tow.” I will be really disappointed if I don’t get to go, but I want my car to be safe for me, as well.

I am practically itching because the shop opens in four minutes. Surely I will have a better idea of how long they’ll have it by sometime today. I need my Apple CarPlay. 🙂

I cannot be trusted to drive without it, because Apple Maps is so handy. I have Waze, too, but Apple Maps works with my watch, alerting me by touch and voice when it’s time to turn. And, in Baltimore, I rarely know where I am going. I have lived here long enough to see the map, not explore it. Plus, right now I’m on my own time and can drive when traffic is least. I prefer it, and also I’ve set my GPS to no toll roads. That means I have driven on a lot of two-lane highways that are relaxing and windy, so much preferable to a straight line with trees on both sides the whole way.

I got to go through some of the most beautiful country I’ve ever seen, and because it was raining or threatening to rain the whole weekend, it was not the time to get out with my camera. I didn’t have warm enough clothes to get wet. I should have brought my waterproof pants, but I forgot I even had them. #facepalm

When it’s cold and rainy, I like to wear lined waterproof pants. When the winter really sets in, I add a pair of leggings and wool socks under them. I also wear two or three layers on top, so that most of the time I’m good in a hoodie/rugby jacket with a vest over it. If it jumps down to really cold and I’m going to be outside for an extended period, I have hiking boots and a peacoat.

My hiking boots will be almost too warm with wool socks, but good prep is essential for bad weather.

My car absolutely died from a loose connection on the battery. I was at least wearing a warm fleece and sweat pants, but if it had been any colder I would have been screwed. The car can only help you so much when the heater doesn’t work. Luckily, there was just enough power that after about half an hour, it started again. I took it to AutoZone, where I had the battery checked. They fixed the loose connection and made sure it didn’t need replacing. Luckily, it was just the connection.

Ok, Kara just called and I have a Thursday appointment to get everything done that’s critical, but neither job is too expensive. I just need to wait until they get the part in stock, which will take two days. I was going to do the job myself, but there were so many different versions on Amazon that I had no idea which one I needed, and neither did the guy at AutoZone.

I’m stuck here until at least Thursday, because the part I need doesn’t come in until then. They told me I needed to keep the car there, because they could give it to me and a rock could come through that air gap and cause $5,000′ worth of damage.

No, thank you.

So, I tried to chase down a rent car so I could still go to Tiina’s tomorrow, but no dice. I went to two Enterprise locations, and neither one of them had cars. I just gave up and came home. There’s plenty of stuff to do around here.

Right now, that aim is to talk to you so I don’t melt down and burn out. This is really stressful because I’ve gotten into a routine since my car arrived, and now it’s all in disarray. For instance, I didn’t go get my coffee this morning. I didn’t leave the house until Kara told me she had a rental car reservation for me, and she told me the wrong location. So, I went to the right location and they still didn’t have cars.

Life seems a bit smaller, but I can walk to the gym. I haven’t done that this week, and it would be absolutely grueling and fun at the same time. I can get my mind off things.

But again, I am flabbergasted at how fast this disorienting feeling came on.

I’m oriented towards doing the same thing every day. Because of my ADHD, sometimes I will get a wild hair to do something. Not often. Most of the time, I most resemble Bert from Sesame Street. I am very happy with my pigeon and bottle cap collection.

Hrmph.

I don’t mean to seem like a grump. I just do. But I am not, in fact, a grump. I just get introverted and set in my ways. I’ve lived alone for so long that I might be feral.

Driving has definitely put me in a better mood because my adrenaline is higher during even short trips. But I live for longer ones. Opening my car up on the highway gives me great pleasure, because I can set the Adaptive Cruise control and the car will slow itself if the traffic slows down, and speed up to my setting automatically without having to hit any buttons.

I keep talking about my car because I’m so excited to have it. Pride of ownership goes a long way.

Unless my car is in the shop.

What’s the oldest things you’re wearing today?

I mentioned in another piece that I wear an ichthus necklace that has my mother’s fingerprint as the pattern inside the fish. I got it in 2016, which edges out my pants by, I think, a year or two. I’m wearing the sweat pants that Zac got me at the Pentagon, a soft dark green t-shirt, my Apple Watch, and two bracelets that match ones I bought for Zac. One is a rainbow friendship bracelet, and I am an idiot because I didn’t buy them for Bryn and Dave as well. If they’re reading this, I will rectify the situation when I can. 😉 I bought them on our double date to the Spy Museum and Irish pub. The other is a gift from Zac. I got him a set of bracelets made of nautical rope, and when he opened them, he put one on me. It’s maroon with black plastic hardware and looks great up against the rainbow. Meaningful, yet not old.

I would like to say that I’m wearing these pants because I’m pining for Zac and they make me feel closer to him. I would like to say that. However, they are the most comfortable pants in the universe, Zac or no Zac. They came from the Pentagon, ergo, the government cares that I am comfortable. 😉 One of my favorite things in life is when Zac says, “I’m a middle aged white man who works for the government. I’m here to help.” He is aware of how it sounds and plays it up for comedic effect.

The fact that my man knows how to use comedic effect is one of the reasons he’s my man. Zac is on the brain because we finally made plans for tonight, “plans” being relative because the “plan” is to sit on the couch and watch TV. There may be some excitement, though, because Zac is having his car serviced. He said we could Uber or he would pick me up on his motorcycle. I said it was okay to pick me up on the motorcycle if it was a sunny day. I decided that Lindsay wasn’t going to be the only one on a motorcycle before she died.

Please know that I know riding motorcycles is dangerous, and if something happens today, know that I went out doing exactly what I wanted to do…. live a little. It’s a calculated risk because I am not going to be operating the motorcycle, I will be riding with someone who is very experienced. Also, military men are too confident to be daredevils on the road most of the time. Anything they needed to prove, they’ve already done it.

Plus, my friend Donna Schuurman has gone on these long, involved rides all over the US and Australia and I thought, “if Donna can do that, you can trust Zac from the Metro to his house.” Pretty sure he’s driven that route a time or two.

I feel like I have a different view of death than I did before my mother died, and the way she died in particular. The reason she got sick and died in 30 minutes is that the problem was originally a broken foot. She developed an embolism in the foot. It came loose and traveled, which made her faint. It blew, and she was dead. Because of the speed, I know that the best surgeon in the world could have been right next to her when she started feeling faint and there still would have been a 95% chance she’d be dead, anyway. It’s a scalpel, not a magic wand.

It is very comforting to know about medicine in a time like this. To know the limits of what medicine can do and actually be able to say “it’s no one’s fault.” Maybe if she’d moved her leg more when her foot was broken, but that has to undo the last six or seven weeks of her life, not the day she got sick.

As a result, I have a very practical, pragmatic view of death. It could happen at any time and without fanfare, so just be as honest with people as you possibly can because you really don’t know that it’s going to be the last time you talk to someone. I’ll give you a for instance. My mom’s choir had a perfectly healthy director and organist one Sunday, and a dead one the next with absolutely no warning or fanfare. That is not an easy transition. Everyone was lost and confused, not just me.

It’s one of the reasons I have become so adamant about telling my stories and getting my voice out there. I want my friends and family to know about me, and I know they’ll treasure my blog when I die. It is not about leaving a legacy once I’m famous, but leaving a legacy at all. My grandfather wrote a five volume series on the Lanagan family, and they all eat it up. Therefore, I know that the joy of a book doesn’t come from how many people have read it. The joy of a book comes from writing it.

So whether I die today or 50 years from now, I’m just going to be blunt and lay it all out there. I don’t have blinders on anymore. Death is random, and I do not have to be afraid of it because it is so random. The universe is not out to get me. It is a numbers game. What it has given me is the strength to keep asking the big questions of myself, because the smaller ones don’t matter.