Every few years, the internet coughs up a “wild business idea” that’s really just Uber for something that shouldn’t be Uber’d. But every now and then, a genuinely deranged idea surfaces — the kind that sounds like satire until you realize it solves a problem you’ve been quietly drowning in.
Today’s entry is one of those.
Welcome to Chaos Concierge™, a subscription service for the unpredictable parts of your life — the moments that don’t fit into calendars, budgets, or productivity apps. It’s the first company built on the premise that chaos itself is a market, and that most of us are one broken ritual away from emotional freefall.
This is not a joke.
It’s a business plan wearing a clown nose to make you feel safe.
Why Chaos Is the Last Untapped Industry
We’ve optimized everything predictable.
We have apps for scheduling, budgeting, tracking, reminding, nudging, and optimizing. We have dashboards for our dashboards. We have calendars that sync across devices and still somehow double‑book us.
But the unpredictable parts of life — the water outages, the brain freezes, the mod stack implosions, the sudden existential dread at 3:17 PM — those have no infrastructure.
Chaos is the last unmanaged frontier.
And unmanaged frontiers are where the money is.
The Core Offering: Unpredictability Management as a Service
Chaos Concierge™ is built on a simple premise:
You shouldn’t have to handle the unpredictable alone.
Instead of planning your life, it stabilizes the parts that refuse to be planned.
What It Actually Does
- Real‑time triage:
You send a message like “my apartment water is out again” or “my brain just blue‑screened.”
You get back a micro‑protocol:- environmental workaround
- emotional grounding
- logistical next step
- a BOFH‑style syslog entry for comedic relief
- Continuity tracking:
It remembers your projects, threads, and half‑formed ideas so you don’t have to. - Ritual stabilization:
It knows your anchors — the coffee, the hoodie, the Skyrim estate, the river — and deploys them strategically. - Narrative reframing:
Because humans metabolize chaos better when it has a plot.
It’s executive‑function outsourcing meets pastoral care meets sysadmin humor.
It’s the anti‑productivity app because it doesn’t shame you for being human.
The Business Model (Shockingly Sound)
Subscription Tiers
- Basic:
Daily triage + continuity tracking - Pro:
Includes “emergency ritual stabilization” and “Skyrim mod conflict arbitration” - Enterprise:
For creatives, clergy, and consultants who need high‑touch cognitive scaffolding
Add‑Ons
- BOFH Daily Log humor packs
- Ritual Architecture Consults
- AI Ombudsman Briefings for organizations trying to not embarrass themselves
Why Investors Will Pretend They Don’t Love It
Because it sounds absurd.
Because it doesn’t fit into any existing category.
Because it solves a problem everyone has but no one has language for.
But the moment someone sees the retention numbers?
They’ll be on the phone with their LPs.
Why This Isn’t Just a Joke
The truth is, we’re living in a world where unpredictability is the default state.
Our brains weren’t built for this much input, this much volatility, this much noise.
People don’t need more productivity tools.
They need continuity.
They need ritual.
They need narrative.
They need a buffer between themselves and the chaos of the day.
Chaos Concierge™ is the first business that treats those needs as infrastructure.
It’s funny because it’s true.
It’s viable because it’s necessary.
It’s crazy because no one has built it yet.
The Real Punchline
We’ve spent decades building tools that assume humans are predictable machines.
But humans are not predictable machines.
We are story‑driven, ritual‑anchored, chaos‑susceptible creatures.
The future of business isn’t optimization.
It’s stabilization.
And the first company to understand that will own the next decade.
Scored by Copilot, Conducted by Leslie Lanagan
Stories That Are All True 