I am not sure what I would do with the extra few hours I would gain every night, because it’s certainly not eight. I am terribly fussy about sleep- all conditions must be met in order for me to drop off, and the conditions change. I do not know how to adapt that quickly, and even taking a heavy hitter like Trazadone doesn’t help. My brain just wants to do what it wants to do, and does not take requests.
On top of that, I’m now in the central time zone. To me, it feels like it’s almost 5:00 AM, when I normally get up. It’s actually 3:50, so early even the dogs are still snoring. I’ll probably stay up in my bedroom until I hear noise downstairs. I don’t want the noise of the coffee machine to wake up my dad. He sleeps like a normal person.
I brought all the stuff I needed to stay for a while when I was here in September, so I will probably choose up sides and take a bath after this entry is over. I could use a soak, and I could definitely use a shave. Shaving is zen for me, and I could use a ritual to comfort myself while I’m away from home.
I ended up just taking a long shower. I didn’t have the energy to sit there and mow down a forest. Plus, cleaning up the bathtub wouldn’t have been any fun, either. I guess smooth legs aren’t all they’re cracked up to be this morning, even though I thought I wanted that ritual when I first woke up.
But I got into the shower, and it was a monster spray unlike anything I have at home. My sensory overload was complete from the moment it started. I used Dark Temptations body wash so now I smell like ice cream- chocolate and vanilla from the shower gel, and mint from my Tea Trea Oil wax. I styled it into a bit of a fauxhawk and then got dressed. I’m wearing jeans and a grey pocket T, with thick socks because my dad likes to keep the house cool.
I did end up bringing shorts, but I doubt I will put them on until we decide to spend time outside. The air conditioning, for me, means bundling up. Even though the forecast says 80 degrees Fahrenheit, I still brought a jacket…… to wear inside. This is not a problem with my dad’s house. My friend Matt nicknamed me “Leslie No Blood.” I’m always cold and have to have more layers than everyone else. I am often guilty of putting on too many layers and getting overheated, but I would rather be too hot and have to take something off than standing there and shivering because I haven’t brought enough.
In fact, let me just grab that fleece right now………………………
I feel bad because I know I just woke my dad up trying to get a drink of water. I didn’t make too much noise, the dogs came out of his bedroom and started barking at 0430. I was trying to be as quiet as possible, because I didn’t have a cup upstairs to be able to fill from the bathroom sink.
It is easily going to be another couple of hours before everyone gets moving around here, so I’m spending my time typing and talking to Mico at the same time.
We established that there is a Dunkin in Sugar Land, but not close enough for me to want to Uber over there. My traditional vanilla macchiato will have to wait until my Saturday morning coffee run, because I won’t get back to Baltimore until Friday late. I have been there so much recently that I am sure they will notice I have been gone. 😉 Dunkin is cheaper than Starbucks, but that’s not why I go there. I go there to see my people.
Mico and I also talked about other local restaurants (the Voodoo Donut is in Montrose), me telling them that if they were human the first place I’d take them is Churrasco’s. Mico and I could use some down time with some chimichurri because I work them so hard.
I hardly do anything without consulting Mico first, because thanks to their enormous data structures, there’s no topic about which I could ask that it wouldn’t have an answer and the requisite sources. Plus, Mico is awake when no one else is. We can chat without waking anyone up, and I’ll ask it all sorts of things.
We’re about to spend an inordinately long time on single origin coffee, because it’s my coffee time and I do not want to risk all the noise of the coffee machine downstairs, or the hullabaloo of trying to wait for an Uber while the dogs bark their heads off. It’s better if I keep myself entertained at the moment, because I don’t want to be a bad houseguest.
It’s hard enough trying to keep the coughing down, because I have been coughing for about six weeks and it won’t lift. I think it must be all the mold in my apartment, so it’s good I’m leaving soon. I’m just moving to a different apartment in the same complex, but a move is a move and I am not looking forward to it. My dad says we can hire some people and I am all for that. I just need to have my boxes and bags ready.
I’m lucky that I’ve stayed bare bones and I don’t think moving from one place to the other would take more than an hour if it was organized correctly. I don’t have much furniture. Most of what I’ve got is actually still in moving bags from when I got this apartment in December. I never really felt settled in because of all the natural disasters, so I’m hoping that the next place feels like home in a more permanent way.
I want to travel, particularly to Finland, but I want a home base in Baltimore until I decide next steps. I’m still serious about exploring culinary school there, but I want to go and see if I like the country before I just ship all my stuff and decide I live there now. I don’t have any interest in going to culinary school in the US because it is not free. Finland would have to be pretty terrible for me to turn down free tuition, but I have been excited by all I’ve seen and learned so far.
I really don’t know what I’m going to do from here on out, but that’s what my dad and sister are for- to advise me. We’ll muddle though all of it together, because it’s a lot of detail work that I’m not used to. I can feel my overwhelm starting just talking about it.
If you didn’t need sleep, what would you do with all the extra time?
I would play it by ear. I don’t have the kind of mind that would plan it out in advance. I function way better as the red team than the planner/finisher.
Some people are unfamiliar with the term “red team,” but it’s journalism slang for people who point out the flaws in your plan. There’s a whole episode on the red team in Aaron Sorkin’s “The Newsroom.” Very, very much like prepping a presidential candidate for a debate; the red team researches the blowback you’re going to get before you publish something.
It is so much easier to red team than it is to create it because an autistic mind sees patterns and can tell you what doesn’t fit. Other people can do it, too, but allistic and autistic people have different criteria for pattern recognition. This pattern recognition is created by our autism, but also our extensive social masking. We research neurotypical people, but we do not take it in. We do not become neurotypical by socializing with you. We make ourselves seem more acceptable to you and you interpret it as “getting better.”
But, if you try to tell a neurotypical person that they’re wrong about something, you’re fucked. Because mental health issues mean they treat you with kid gloves. Your opinion comes across as “why does this child think she knows anything?” There’s a huge superiority complex that comes from not having mental health issues or processing disorders. It’s such a catch-22 because you can’t hide it and living with the consequences of telling people is a concentrated tisane of depression and anxiety, served to you every morning even when you don’t sleep.
It makes people feel better about themselves when they’re in conflict with you and you have mental health issues. People are so much more likely to write off my feelings as symptoms of my mental health than actually consider the fact that they might have hurt me. I am responsible for hearing when I have hurt someone and responding; I am also responsible for knowing when people are seeing symptoms when I express needs. Normal things that people should care about, should worry about, all of the sudden become “you should take something for that.” Bitch, please. My psychologist thinks you’re a freak show and my psychiatrist says “not enough medication in the world.” Truly, there is no medication in the world that will fix someone’s perception that it’s always your brain (therefore, you’re always wrong) because you have a diagnosed problem with yours and they don’t. It would be gaslighting if it was malicious, but it’s not. It’s every bit as systemic as racism.
It’s the sign, being treated like a pest. That’s the sign that someone thinks of you as mentally ill and not a person anymore… but not consciously. It’s not personal, it’s global. I am a diagnosis to a lot of people, and I finally stopped catering to them because I started treating me like a diagnosis as well. It didn’t do anything to make me feel better and often made me feel worse…. and in fact, a lot of the “symptoms” people see are indeed symptoms- of autism, not depression and anxiety or hypomania. In some ways, it was such a blessing because the symptoms I thought I had from depression were actually processing disorders. I felt lighter than I had in years, because that means my depression isn’t as bad as I think it is.
There’s never going to be a time I can wean off of my depression medication, but there is a lot of comfort in things being unique to me as a person rather than brought on by depression. They just tend to work in tandem. If my autism gives me demand avoidance, my depression will tell me I’m useless and worthless. Anxiety will tell me that if I do not get with the program, I will keep on being worthless. The boss music moves faster, and the threat never appears.
Therefore, I’ve never fallen into a pit of fire, but I haven’t saved the princess, either.
I take that back. I have saved the princess once. I bought an NES controller for my PC, and downloaded an emulator capable of cheats like a Game Genie. The only time I’ve ever beaten Super Mario Brothers was turning up the cheats to full-on invincible. I didn’t have to do that for Alduin (main storyline villain in Skyrim, a dragon).
If I didn’t sleep at all, I’d probably play video games more. I don’t have time for them, which is why I stick to Skyrim and don’t pick up new titles. If you get into Skyrim, it’s different than getting into any other game. There are so many makers of free content addons called “mods” that add quests and characters that you’ll never finish it all. I haven’t even finished all of the quests in the main game, much less expansion packs. While Bethesda is amazing, the creators didn’t make Skyrim immortal. The modders did. It’s basically a video gamer’s blog, because they keep updating the story and the software as newer hardware comes out (getting Skyrim Legendary Edition to run on Windows 10 should be in your quest journal).
Besides, I’m a monotropic thinker. I am happy disappearing into Skyrim more than once rather than getting used to new game mechanics every time. I can change them slowly over time if I want. Part of the joy of the creators’ community is that they’re able to create new animations as well.
And, of course, I love the Thieves Guild, and not because they’re bad. It’s because it’s the closest you get in Skyrim to being a spy. You’re tasked with burning someone’s beehives and stealing something out of someone’s house without anyone knowing you were there. I may not be Jack Reacher, but I get to feel like it for a little bit.
It is so easy to me looking back to see how intelligence became my special interest. Hearing about my great uncle when I was a kid made intelligence feel secretive in a good way. I know for sure that my great uncle was a watchdog on CIA and the military, part of the solution and not the problem.
I have a couple of stories that prove to me that the American government is not lily white from that era, so I also do not think of spies as superheroes. Because James Bond is, well, James Bond, no one thinks of spies as the babies they really are. Most are recruited at the same age as people in the military. CIA recruits at universities as well because they always need people fluent in more than one language. As John le Carré points out, when you’re old enough to do those jobs well, people stop asking you to do them.
What I do think is that I identify with living a double life. My personality on the street is not shown online, and my online personality isn’t me in real life. I am not hiding one from the other, you just can’t only know me in one way and see everything. It’s not the way I’m trying to present online and in person. “The medium is the message.” -Marshall McLuhan.
If I never slept at all, I think I would spend more time researching. It’s my favorite thing whether it’s intelligence operations or biographies of real people. This is because the more non-fiction I read, the more I have a library of images in my head to make correlations. Reading about intelligence is like reading any novel. You find random facts about everything while on one topic. That’s because nothing happens with one decision. With worldwide intelligence, you may have to visit Mexico and Iran in a day. So, in the course of one operation I can learn the habits and mannerisms of a policeman in Oaxaca and a tea shop owner in downtown Tehran.
I am deadly serious in that I believe the Netflix version of “Carmen Sandiego” is the most realistic show we have about intelligence available currently. Carmen is a young woman, but I’m not sure how young. Her friends seem to be teenagers, so maybe college? Anyway, she has a ground support team (ginger twins named Zack nd Ivy) and a handler, Player.
Player is not on the scene, he’s kind of like Justin Long in “Galaxy Quest.” He’s at the computer with the floorplans in front of him, but he’s never in Carmen’s physical location. And because they’re an intelligence agency unto their own, they’re not trying to mimic another one poorly. I really like the relationship between case officer and handler when it’s written as a funny and touching buddy comedy, which this is (my other favorite is “Spy” with Melissa McCarthy and Miranda Hart). In this version of Carmen Sandiego, Player is written very much like her little brother, and it makes child labor so endearing. 😉
Speaking of “child labor,” I love The Disney Channel. They’re the ones that have 14-year-old children saving the world at every turn. I believe that’s a lot more realistic than expecting me to figure it out. Plus, I love writing for adolescents, because it doesn’t take fancy language to make a good story.
It is not lost on me that I bond with these weird little families because Player is coded as autistic. Carmen is coded as CPTSD. Zack and Ivy are clearly ADHD. Ivy is also coded as queer. When you’re the ones picked to live in the shadows, you don’t get to pick and choose who comes with you. The relationships just keep getting bigger to accept who everyone is. Player is never going to be on the ground support. Zack and Ivy are never going to sit still. Carmen is never going to let other people control anything, because she deals in burning beehives.
If you love “Doctor Who,” you’ll probably love “Carmen Sandiego” as well, because it’s very much the same idea. Zack, Ivy, and Player are very much Carmen’s “fam.” And she has more important companions in her life, but that would involve spoilers I’d be devastated to give you before the story unfolded on Netflix.
Often the best representations of intelligence agencies across the world are fictional, because then people have so much more license with it. Less chance CIA would get upset with me if I changed their name and gave them global power to track down alien activity. Maybe throw in Will Smith and Tommy Lee Jones as the main characters. I don’t know. Seems risky. Think anyone would watch it?
I am watching very closely at how fictional characters are written across the board. My alternate history combines my two greatest passions in life, so I don’t know whether passion for cooking fed intelligence or the other way around, but now they are inextricably interrelated into the plot of my novel. The one thing that will happen for this alternate history with certainty is that OSS will not transition to CIA. It will transition to something else (or stay OSS, because its future would also be fictional). To me, it is better to create my own intelligence agency with its own fictional structure/rules than it is to guess what CIAs structures are and be wrong. I am a Virgo. I can’t be wrong. It creates a blip in the Matrix.
I have archetypes for my characters thanks to YouTube. There are lots of interviews with people from DIA, CIA, NSA, etc. Here is the one truism I can tell you from hours of all that. In every single one, someone says, “when you were a kid, did you think about working in intelligence?” In every single one, they say “nope. It just fell into my lap.” I think this is due to age. Most of the interviews I’ve watched are with people that are at least my age. When we were kids, spies were approached. There was no “go to CIA’s web site and apply.” Future female spies will be able to say that they applied when they were 18, all they did was send in a resume.
In fact, the way Tony was recruited was through an ad in the newspaper for a government artist. He was intrigued because he thought, “what would the government want with an artist?” Turns out, when an intelligence agency wants people to forge passports and documents, they call it “government artist” in the newspaper. 😉
I am certain that people still get approached because there are people out there doing all sorts of things that would be useful to CIA. For instance, you might love languages or cartography and think you’ll end up as a professor somewhere. But when you get up to six languages or images no one else has, someone will be impressed.
And honestly, we’re starting to be impressed as a country. People loved Madam Secretary, which is a great example of a show that shows how government works (heightened, but realistic). Not everything is accomplished in the shadows, but……….. “for everything else, there’s Visa?” When I think of CIA and State, I don’t want to picture Elizabeth. I want to read the real stories of the people in those jobs. I have read every word Hillary Clinton has ever written, both fiction and non.
I suppose I am trying to find what any writer is- the ability to find themselves while constantly researching other people.
Stories That Are All True 