What’s the longest trip you’ve ever taken?

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The longest trip I’ve ever taken was when I apparently hallucinated a Naval Officer saying she was my River Song and that she’d had a fight with her son over me and they weren’t speaking and all this bullshit, bullshit, bullshit (in retrospect). I lost the plot, but at the time it seemed so real. You’d just have to take a history and physical to know why this storyline seemed so legible to me in my delusions. But unfortunately for you, that H&P has already been taken and I am not eager to repeat it.

There was one line that was repeated ad nauseam that made me sick(er).

A genuine line, and “you are always the best.”

A line insinuating that I am dark, manipulative, and cruel? You are always the best.

I thought that CIA was with me in the psych ward. I saw Jonna and several other players; everything made perfect sense because she is the former Chief of Disguise.

And if that wasn’t enough, I hallucinated a man coming up to me insinuating that he was Aada’s husband and he said, “if I was dead, you could have her to yourself.” I looked at him and said, “no, the fuck I couldn’t. Who even are you?” Everything was designed to trigger me into reacting, such as pointing me to a locked door and telling me that Meagan (the Canadian Ex) was behind it. Two guys on the street even asked me to prove it was me by asking what Meagan called me in high school. I said, “Wingnut,” and they told me which door to knock on….. so it is inconceivable to me that I was literally out of my mind. You don’t get other people to participate in your hallucinations, or at least, I didn’t.

I hallucinated that the naval officer in question lead a double life between NoVA and Africa, and she wanted me to live with her in her Africa life, not her NoVA one. And I was just crazy enough to say, “ok. Sure. Whatever.” Now, this was also someone from my past, so I have to wonder if all of it came from “somewhere over the rainbow.” I just do not know whether it was my own brain or whether it was The Wizard’s that was actually in charge.

I felt out of control of my own life, and had to focus on stability afterwards. I do feel a deep connection to the Navy now, though. I bought a windbreaker that’s Naval Academy colors and a navy t-shirt that has the big N and the red star, but the N is filled with a Maryland flag pattern. I love the Navy, but I am staking claim on a different geographical area than my inspiration. I also wanted to pick up some Marines merch in honor of Mummo, but I ran out of money and will have to go back. 

I do not love Heytch more than Mummo. I love navy blue and naval gear has a lot of it. Not so much with the Marines, but I did find a couple of t-shirts I wanted. I’m also hot to go to the military surplus stores in Glen Burnie to pick up gear, because they’re generally the only game in town with pants that fit me.

The main point is that my life is influenced by the military and intelligence, but I am genuinely confused about the degree. I do not think that intelligence is out to get me, but I would not be surprised if they were curious about my work. They would be curious because I am, too. How do you reverse engineer a hallucination to pick out what is true and what isn’t?

It is also unusual for a hallucination to create two stories in front of you and you have to pick the one that is valid. In one story, Heytch wanted to disappear me into Africa so that she didn’t have to be out in NoVA. In another, Heytch and Mummo created a nonprofit for me and I could come and live with their crew as long as I was willing to give up everything in my current life. 

I absolutely was, which is why both stories appealed to me. I was not disappointed that one was true and one was not. I was crushed that both stories weren’t real….. and mystified as to whether those ideas came from my center of gravity or someone else’s. Because in one story, my friends cared about me and provided an intervention. In another, I was on my own.

I like the version in which my friends helped me, because I’m on the right path now.

And the best part is that I don’t need proof.