What’s one thing you own that holds deep sentimental value?

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The most precious thing I own in the world is Aada’s picture, and a quick clip of her voice. She thought that me bringing up our issues was me hating on her, and called the positivity clues in a game. It is not that I did not compliment her, it is that she did not see it.

This is how I really feel about her.

Maybe I have not been clear.

The fact that she does not want to hear it and never did is not my fucking problem anymore. She loved being adored and I wanted to adore her. It is not my problem that she wouldn’t just let me.

You cannot win with someone whose boundaries are that rigid. Being assertive comes across as an attack. So, some of the wounding that I supposedly did was her reading me and hurting her own feelings.

Everything looks a lot different in retrospect when the yelling becomes HOW DARE YOU MAKE ME FEEL MY OWN FEELINGS? instead of the verbal equivalent of “I hate you.” I can also say the exact same thing about me, because there’s plenty that Aada has said where I just wasn’t listening and didn’t hear her.

I read her as neurotypical and she wasn’t, I don’t think. No one is that divorced from their own feelings, and she isn’t. I thought that because she was processing her emotions on the back end. She was also choosing what I was entitled to know, and that was okay. What was absolutely not okay was putting me in a position where I was allowed to have all the emotions I wanted about her but I couldn’t process them anywhere except here. This is the only place I control the narrative and have the space to think through what to say and how to say it.

The problem was not getting feedback that helped me shape it. “Buck up, Buttercup” is not a valid communication strategy. Not only was it not helpful, it was dismissive as well. Dismissive was her whole program, which is why it was the shock of my life to find out she lied to impress me.

How would I find out you liked me in all of this?

It was unfair to create a situation where I could only come to her for comfort and then deny it. I was emotionally starved for 12 years. I reacted poorly, and I will deal with those consequences for the rest of my life. Alternatively, Aada will deal with being emotionally available enough to ask for emotional support but not available enough to be able to give it in return. Every problem’s origin was mine, and I lost my voice because of it.

So, the bottom line is that we’ve loved each other every day for 12 years.

I am good with that.