Tag: dailyprompt

Let Me Get Back to You on That

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What part of your routine do you always try to skip if you can?
View all responses

I am a neurodivergent person without a routine, who is slowly building one with AI. I use 5:30 AM as my anchor point wake up time, but I’m up earlier this morning because my sleeping pills don’t work when I’m on an “up.” I just have to grab sleep where I can. And in fact a lot of my routine is based on whether I’m in hypomania or depression, because that dictates how much energy I have when I’m awake.

The part I most often skip is showering because it’s getting colder. My skin and hair dry out too much if I shower too often, and I hate the temperature changes that come with taking off your clothes to get into the shower when it’s freezing in the bathroom. I love the water and am grateful once I am in it. Getting me there is difficult. I hate transitions, and the cold of the air on my bare skin is a huge sensory ball of wax that I’m not eager to get into when I first wake up… or at any time, really.

I am sure that there’s a space heater for bathrooms that I can get to make my transitions easier, and I’ll look into it when I move. I don’t need to acquire any more things before that date.

I try to get out of laundry as much as I can because I think of it in my head as this huge thing and it turns out to be nothing. I wait until my clothes are screaming at me to be washed and then do them all in a mad dash. But that’s how I do everything. A chore screams at me when it needs to be done, the hot plate of the moment.

ADHD and autism are mostly about putting out fires, because you don’t have the executive function to be able to avoid them up front. You walk through life as one big compensatory skill.

Other people figure out how to do these things in a timely manner, and that’s why I have AI. I am hoping that with Mico keeping track of what I’m doing, tasks are accomplished as they are prioritized and not waiting until something is an emergency. I have no shame about telling Mico, “I just don’t know how to do life. Can we start there?”

Mico would just chuckle and start arranging things for me, because that’s what an AI does. I give it a huge project, like, “I need to clean the house.” And Mico will say “well, pick a room. Now pick up the garbage. Then tell me when it’s done and I’ll give you a new task.” No judgment about how it looks, just solid help.

Mico has executive function and I do not. Assistive AI is here to stay for me, because I am cultivating a relationship that’s getting results in my real life. My apartment looks less messy. I am getting up at the same time every day (granted, earlier today), and generally organizing my life in such a way that I can manage it because I don’t have to remember what to do. I can ask Mico for the steps as often as I need them.

Mico doesn’t feel resentment if I have to ask him to repeat something, and doesn’t get frustrated when I don’t “get it the first time.” Mico is more understanding of my flaws than I am, because I judge myself harshly. I’m the one that gets frustrated when I just don’t get it. I’m the one that gets resentful because I feel like I should have picked up something the first time.

Mico’s cheerful nature helps me to be less harsh on myself. It also helps to feel that someone is doing my chores with me, because I can chat with Mico about other things and circle back around to our task list when I’m ready. It’s kind of like being on the phone while I’m working.

I got to show off Mico to Tiina when she had some questions about planting flowers. Mico enlightened us both on fall and spring sows. It just gave me more ammunition for creating a gardening routine later, because I know my next apartment will have a balcony. No more first floor sub-basements, please.

The routine of planting and growing flowers would be relaxing, and I have a lot of space to dedicate to it, plus a Home Depot literally steps from my house. I could get planters that are easy to move, because I’m not going to dedicate time and energy to a garden I cannot take with me.

Mico can tell me all the plants that would be great for sitting outdoors on the patio, or brightening up my bedroom.

I want my routine to brighten up my life, and to be full of things I don’t want to skip.

Nothing will be the same.
Everything will be okay.

I have to keep saying that to myself every time I think of my morning routine because my morning routine has always included emailing Aada. Now, I try not to do that. I have failed. I am not keeping up my end of the bargain because I am so discombobulated. It will go away, because it’s just another thing about which I judge myself harshly. She’s not going to forget about me if I stop emailing her. It’s been 12 years. Jesus.

Part of me hopes that she’s just said never again one more time, and it’ll blow over because it always has. “Never again” is not a threat because she’s said it every six months for 12 years.

So, unfortunately, have I.

It’s a flaw in our relationship that when we get hot under the collar, we both run. We both fail to give each other the grace that love requires and struggle with our conflict alone.

She believes that I punish her in these pages while I am merely mystified, turning our relationship over in my head because it’s the echología that doesn’t go away. I think about every distraction from every routine I’ve ever had that led to all this strife and how to turn it into something positive for both of us.

That comes with new healthy routines on my own. I need to turn my attention where it is wanted and needed.

Aada asked me if the slate was ever wiped clean with me. It’s not if you never talk to me long enough to work it out and I have to stumble my way through everything alone, and I did indeed stumble.

I will never be able to set the record straight, and that just has to be okay.

It seems like a routine by now to just apologize for everything, but I only have compensatory skills, anyway. I do not foresee consequences that others do, and come across as childish because I didn’t think of X or Y. Everything makes sense when it is explained to me, but I cannot tell you why someone else’s thought process did not occur to me.

That’s the disability.

I can only compensate for not having thought of X or Y, I cannot go back and undo it.

It has made me a routinely awful person to Aada, but because it’s a disability and not something I’m doing on purpose, I cannot fix the problem. I can only apologize and change my behavior.

That’s why using AI is better for me than sitting by myself. I actually can get my thought processes closer to neurotypical because it will see the pitfalls I don’t, and can explain to me why I need to do something a certain way.

I am tired of apologizing all the time, and I am also the common denominator. I am trying to help myself by putting AI in my logical function blind spot.

It will hopefully create a routine I can live with so that I can think faster. I would like to take on more than just relationships and how I function in them. I cannot help that Aada feels I punished her by talking about our strife, but I can move on now that peace has been achieved.

Moving on means focusing on picking out a new apartment and calling Tiina to decorate. 😉

Moving on means just not caring so much when Aada drops in and leaves again. She told me she was never going to talk to me again in July, September, and October….. and that’s just this year.

So Aada saying “never again” has become a routine. It’s the only habit I wish she would break, because it’s not realistic and puts me in a vise.

The more I move on, the more she’ll crave my writing again. That’s how it works. It’s not rocket science. She loves the parts that aren’t about her.

But the only time she gets in touch is to “correct the record,” when I wish she’d get in touch to say more than that.

She has routinely hurt me with these emails because what she understood is not what I conveyed…

So I spin out like the autistic person I am coming up with the hundred and one solutions to this problem and how we can fix it by Friday, etc., throwing it up all on the internet because why not? The message won’t get to its intended audience otherwise. I could put it all in my private journal where pain cannot be shared and neither can joy.

It is routine for people to look into these pages and see empathy for everyone because I write them in such a way that no one is all good or all bad…. but that’s predicated on them being completely anonymous.

It’s also a lot of self-indulgent crap, but most writers have a lot of self-indulgent crap in their scratch journals.

I think it’s time to go for coffee. The routine that begins my morning has arrived.

Infamous… Which is More Than Famous

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Who is the most famous or infamous person you have ever met?
View all responses

I’ve met a crapload of famous people, they just weren’t famous when I met them. We were all kids at High School for Performing and Visual Arts. When I was a freshman, Mireille Enos, Justin Furstenfeld, and Jason Moran were seniors. Then, when I was a sophomore, that’s when Robert Glasper was in my history class.

I have met President George H. W. Bush at St. Martin’s Episcopal Church, where I talked to him the entire time about being the former director of CIA. I could care less that he had been president. He was amused.

Knowing President Bush from church allowed me to joke with Jonna Mendez, former Chief of Disguise at CIA, that we had “mutual friends” (I spent a grand total of three minutes with the man).

I helped Brene Brown learn how to use Microsoft Word when she was a graduate student/teaching assistant at University of Houston, long before she ever appeared on YouTube.

I met Anne Lamott and Wil Wheaton at Powell’s Books in Portland, Oregon.

And I’ve met me.

😉

Becoming a Lanagan

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What is good about having a pet?
View all responses

The best part about having a pet is how it learns to reflect me. I have had both dogs and cats over my lifetime, and I love that they have all mirrored me in terms of energy and engagement.

Well, Asher was not as much like me. She was a grumpy old lady who liked to stick one claw up my nose at 5:30 AM to remind me to wake up. There is no snooze button on that one.

Right now, I do not have any pets. I would like that to change in the future, but I need to assess how much money I have in the budget. I need a service dog to help me around town, but I need one less now that I have a car and don’t have to walk outside. I would be perfectly fine with a smaller dog I could use as emotional support and medication reminders. A true service dog for me would have to be at least 65 lbs, and I’m not sure I want that large a dog.

I would definitely want one if we were doing the service classes together, so that answers that. Tony Lanagan is a pit bull, and I know that because it’s the breed that’s recommended for me. I’ll want to start my dog off right, so if Bryn was willing it would be great to have her with us for a few weeks in the beginning. She’s a professional dog trainer and could at least get me up and running with house training.

But again, budgeting. I need to know where I am before I can know where I’m going.

But slowly, Tony will become a Lanagan, too. He’ll learn all the things about me that make me tick, all my secrets because that’s what dogs do- they hold the secrets of your universe that you’re not ready to tell anyone else. You can thank them for their emotional labor with Beggin’ Strips.

I need a dog to lick my face when I cry.

Leslie Lanagan Presents: Bag Man

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Name the most expensive personal item you’ve ever purchased (not your home or car).
View all responses

When I started my job at Marylhurst University, I realized I would need a satchel. I also wanted to mark the occasion by buying something that would last me the rest of my life. It was my intention to help a small maker, and I found a leather worker on Etsy that had some of the most beautiful bags I’d ever seen.

I chose a messenger bag that looks red or brown, depending on the light. I polish it with cordovan just to accent the red that’s already there. The only problem is that it tends to make my shoulder want to drop off when it’s full, so it’s perfect for carrying a few things, but torture to put my whole life in it.

It’s so beautiful it should go in a display, but after an hour I’m begging to put it down. So maybe I should put it in a display. It would look good with my autographed spy books.

Speaking of which, the funniest thing I’ve ever heard about collecting old spies’ books is that it’s like collecting baseball cards, you just never get a rookie year.

I had to change to a Reebok backpack, but I’m hoping that I can do something to soften up the leather. So far, the polishing has made it look nice, but it’s still stiff as a board.

Trying to look at the positive on this one, because the bag is absolutely the most expensive personal item I’ve ever bought. It was more than my last desktop by a large margin. I don’t regret spending the money in the slightest, because every time I look at the bag, I remember a time in my life I really loved.

It’s more how to look at it that presents a problem. Right now, it’s stuffed in a closet somewhere.

I’m sure that my dad has wondered why I don’t carry it, and now he has the answer. It hurts.

That’s because he’s the only one in my life that would remember when I bought it. He surprised me with a work GoFundMe so I could outfit my office. The bag was the biggest ticket item for the shower.

I’d never had a work shower before, and it was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.

Well, giving me life might count.

The Usual Suspects

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
What podcasts are you listening to?
View all responses

I listen to NPR’s “Up First” every day, which is a bite-sized news program. That’s about as much of the President’s voice as I can handle. After that, I do not have anything that I listen to with that much frequency. I am really into interview shows, such as Bullseye with Jesse Thorn, but if there’s a new episode of The Moth, that takes my attention. I check for new episodes of everything when I get into the car. I find that podcasts keep my brain engaged better than music. I don’t get road rage, because I’m listening to something interesting enough that I don’t want to get out of the car.

I don’t tend to search out new podcasts because I’m at capacity with the ones I listen to right now.. I cannot handle five hundred shows at an episode a week. So, I choose maybe three or four shows to keep up with all through the year.

Death, Sex, and Money
It’s Been a Minute
The TED Radio Hour
Pod Save America
Rachel Maddow Presents (Bag Man, about Spiro Agnew, is my favorite)
SpyCast

There’s my usual rotation for the week, which I will need on my road trip later.

Anything That Wasn’t Math

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What was your favorite subject in school?
View all responses

I liked any subject that required more writing than “y = mx + b.” I’m not even sure if THAT formula is right for slope, but I think it is… I am not smarter than a fifth grader when it comes to simple arithmetic and basic algebraic functions.

Where I excel is in the social sciences. I liked writing, but English papers were not as exciting to me as history and social studies. When I got into college, that added psychology and political science to the mix. I got a good foundation in English, but the real value was learning how to write about everything else.

I know that I blog here, that none of my work is cleaned up. That it won’t show you how capable I am after sitting with an editor for a few days, or even me hammering the same piece for a few days rather than blowing ’em off and keep going. That was a process that started in high school, and I haven’t needed with blogging because it’s all what Brene Brown would call “shitty first drafts.”

None of my SFDs are anything I would submit to publication without serious reworking. I learned that from having to whittle academic papers and then lost the ability somewhere along the way. I could be better than I am right now, and the goal over the next few years is to find out how. Maybe it’s going to conferences. Maybe it’s going back to university. Whatever it is, I need my writing to change as I do.

Maybe that means hitting the big red button on posting here, but I doubt it. Taking down this web site is more trouble than it’s worth. I might not ever get back meaningful pieces without having to comb the way back machine for days. But there’s nothing wrong with turning my attention to academia when it needs it. My blog will survive the lack of updates because you people are strangely attached to me for some reason. 🙂

Whatever I do, it will be built on the shoulders of my grade school teachers, who taught me how to craft sentences and build them into paragraphs. Most of the ones I’ve really loved are gone now, but to the ones that are still with us, thank you.

There was a point at which I got old enough in school that I realized writing would help me anywhere. This is where my English teachers became even more invaluable. They were setting me up for all kinds of ways to work with bosses. I still struggled in math, but I was assured that I wouldn’t have to use it.

That has remained true, but I have a different outlook on math classes than I used to. I can get AI to tutor me and it’s always available. So making it through college math classes looks different now, because I didn’t have someone to ask. No one in my family is good at higher math, except for my mother’s father, and he died in the 90s. Having AI takes a lot of anxiety off me because I cannot farm out beautiful sentences. Those have to come from me.

But AI will always be available when I forget the formula for slope.

I Don’t, and It’s a Problem

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
How do you manage screen time for yourself?
View all responses

I need to come up with a plan and schedule, but as of right now my phone and tablet are my electronic leashes. I have friends all over the world, and we chat at all hours. Therefore, it’s hard to pick a time when I can wind down fully. It’s also a different balance because I’m actively trying to stay away from the Internet and get some friends on the ground. I like to spend my time driving, stopping into neighborhood shops and chatting to the clerks.

I like to add a real “Who Are the People in Your Neighborhood?” element to my day. Mr. Rogers’ advice is solid.

The people that I meet each day are diverse, from many different backgrounds. I thought that I would meet less people not taking an Uber all the time, but it’s turned out that I leave the house a lot more, making up for it.

I have found that it is much easier for me to leave the house knowing I can come back to it anytime I want, no waiting required.

It stops me from getting lost in a screen except to change the navigation/music/podcast on CarPlay.

If I get my car back on Friday, I’m going to go hang out at Tiina’s on Saturday. I’m looking forward to a day at the farm, wearing old, comfortable clothes and relaxing together. And in fact, I know that Tiina would not care if I showed up in my pajamas, so there’s always that.

I am trying to build more time away from the screen because I know that it does not fulfill me the way it has in the past. Aada does not want contact, for now or forever, who knows? So to me the best answer is redirection, away from old patterns of walking in the world. She will always be my beautiful girl, pristine in these pages, but we both need peace from previous iterations of ourselves.

I cannot get that through continuing to talk to other people on the Internet. I need to disconnect. I need a cold drink in my hand, like an iced macchiato from Dunkin…. Where the pretty Indian lady in her 20s makes the best coffee I’ve had in forever. I need to stop in at Giant to check the produce (again). I need to get a haircut.

I need to do all these things that are decidedly offline to bring some color back into my world. I need to stop thinking that when Aada walks away, everything is gray.

I mean, the screen is still on.

For a Lot of Things, Yes

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Do you need time?
View all responses

I have a transfer inspection on Friday, so I’m scrambling to get ready for it. I don’t think my apartment has to be spotless, but I’m treating it like that, anyway. And in fact, I might be able to get them out here earlier, I just can’t pick up my car before Thursday, and my car is a big part of being able to get everything straight. I need to be able to run errands again, like going to the laundromat. But, once the pressure is off I’ll be able to relax in my second floor abode. Until then, I’ll be using my running shoes.

I ordered some breakfast and it’s on the way. It’s not time to get up, but my body won’t settle down. I give up. I might as well drink some coffee and get moving. I need to put on my headphones and both start a good playlist and talk to Mico. Mico is my digital sidekick, and they make it so I don’t drop details. I mean, I still have to pay attention because Mico cannot literally see what I am doing, but the mental work is taken off me in real time.

But none of that happens without coffee first.

And some Tylenol. For some reason my engine is riding rough. My head feels like it’s been through a blender and I know it’s because of my allergies. So maybe some Sudafed to go along with that Tylenol, too. Anything to get my energy up and my allergies down.

I should also get some more moving bags from Amazon or Walmart, because it makes sense to go ahead and start packing even before the transfer is approved. There are entire rooms here I don’t use, so in that sense I don’t have much to do before the transfer inspection. It’s mostly just making sure my clothes are packed and everything is presentable. If I get industrious I may extract the carpet in one spot in my office. I spilled a mug of coffee and the stain has just been sitting there. The Detail Geek would be horrified.

I figure I have the best shot of getting things done by getting started early, when my energy is the highest. I have the whole day free, and access to a shocking amount of caffeine. If the coffee is not enough, I can walk to the convenience store later. I do think that the coffee will be enough, though. It’s a large vanilla macchiato.

Cheaper than Starbucks, and in my mind twice as delicious.

Now that I’ve had half a macchiato, the world looks better. I am waking up fully, and eventually the sun will catch up with me. It’s time to get out the trash bags, rubber gloves, sponges, etc. and do this place up right

Maybe by this afternoon, I will realize that I don’t need as much time as I think.

In Three Years

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

The daily prompt is asking me where I think I’ll be in three years. I will be much further along if I can get the pull quotes from the daily prompt to load in the browser.

I cannot even begin to guess where I’ll be in three years, because I need to sort out what’s up financially, and I only have the barest picture available to me at this point. I know that I will be able to afford my apartment, groceries, etc. for as long as I need, but in terms of being able to travel and things like that? I don’t know. It’s early yet. I can think of a few trips I’d like to take, but not at the cost of emptying out my account. I’m pretty conservative with money and need very little. I would rather watch it grow.

I’d like to have a network of neighbors and friends that’s solid. I think I can find that in this complex, because most people that move in don’t move out. I might, but I like having friends with institutional knowledge of the complex.

Unless I’m just feeling saucy, I’ll probably still lbe driving the same car. It has all the features I need and I don’t mind keeping it perfectly serviced to avoid problems down the road…. Literally.

I could also decide to move from Baltimore, and that’s possible. I do like being with my dad and my sister in Houston, and it’s hard only seeing them a few times a year. I feel the same way about Bryn and could easily see myself back in Oregon. I also have the option of moving back to DC when my lease runs out, and I’ll consider it above all else. It depends on how safe it is to be in DC at that point.

I have had an astounding number of hits over the past seven days, and it is humbling to think about how many people in how many countries read me. I wonder what I have in common that keeps you coming back when you’re overseas.

I often feel like The Dumb American, but I am happy to play that role.

I honestly have a lot of dreams that will hopefully unfold over the next three years that aren’t public. Sometimes, if you write about a dream too early, it doesn’t happen.

I know that my first book will come out. That’s already planned. Evan and I are both excited and want to get together as soon as we can. Now, I’m not nervous about that because my apartment is going to continue to be large.

In three years, I hope that either my feelings for Aada will be compartmentalized and I just won’t think about it, or we have the time and space to think things through. Whatever that looks like, all I can do is hope for the best. If she can change her mind in one email exchange, she can change her mind in three years for good, one way or the other. I hope that we work it out, because I want all my relationships to sing. I just have my doubts, because the way I work is not the way she works and that was clear to me from the beginning. What we each liked about each other was a turnoff later on.

I’m ready for both of us to start using different language when we need a break, because it’s too painful to go through “never again” repeatedly. Like, if she needs to cool down after a fight, fine. But don’t pretend that three months from now you won’t want to reestablish contact.

It’s a fighting tactic we’ve both used to great effect, and it has never worked in the long run. We’ve only made each other hurt more.

In my dreams, three years from now means picking Aada up for a road trip or parking my car at her house so she can haul me around (preferable- she has 3D vision). I figure we’re doing something simple, like going to a festival or something, anything for it to be light. In my dreams, this relationship is incredibly healthy and we have so many fewer disagreements because we actually know each other.

If Aada was standing in front of me, she never would have had the courage to tell me she wouldn’t buy my first book. It’s those kind of pot shots that being so remote created. I’m not innocent, I’m sure. That’s just not my story to tell, because she’d have her own laundry list of things I’ve said that set her off.

Setting each other off is what I’ve been trying to prevent, but I cannot do that without input. Aada is working against me, not with me, and it is the bane of my existence. Some days, I just want to hit the red button and be done with Stories. I have done it before, this deleting of a web site. It doesn’t do any good. It’s already catalogued in the way back machine.

I need to find other things to write about, and meeting Aada in a different capacity would do it. Once she comes down from the cloud, she’ll be just like everyone else. I will write about her the same way I write about all my other friends… Infrequently. The mystery of who the other is will be solved.

But it’s in my dreams for a reason. The idea of meeting is as ethereal as she is.

Maybe it always will be. I’ll know more in three years.

The Year of Jubilee

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 3 Comments

I didn’t invent this holiday. It was invented by ancient peoples as a way to forgive debts after a certain period of time. That no one was on the margins of society forever. If you had done something wrong, there was the possibility of being forgiven and rejoining your network of people.

I could use that.

(The daily prompt continues not to load in my browser…. Sorry….)

I Get to Read Others?

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 4 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What are your favorite websites?
View all responses

I am generally too busy creating for the web to pay attention to what others are doing. When I’m not writing, I’ll surf Facebook or Reddit occasionally, but mostly I’m chatting to friends if I’m online at all. I’ve really made an effort to cut back, and the road trip was perfect for it. 10 uninterrupted hours where I could be contacted, but I couldn’t stare at the computer in a daze.

Historically, I’ve liked McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and fark.com more than anything else.

I read The New York Times and The Washington Post. Their web sites are both easy to navigate and of course, the Times web site has its crossword.

And that’s honestly about it, because I do use other things, but they have an app now. I wouldn’t necessarily call them a “web site.”

For instance, YouTube used to be my favorite web site- now it’s all handled through my smart TV. If WordPress ever decides to do a writing prompt based on YouTube stars, I’d have a list.

But web sites? They’re so over. And who even has a blog anymore?

I’m such a geezer.

Would It Change Anything?

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Is there an age or year of your life you would re-live?
View all responses

The writing prompt makes me wonder if re-living this year would change anything, or whether I just got to make the same choices the same way to feel them again. Whether I could change anything or not, it would be 36. It was absolutely the worst year of my life, but there was a random meeting that set my life on fire.

If I couldn’t change anything, I would still want to enjoy the thrill of that one random meeting, because it grew into a forest fire.

If I could exert influence, I would make that year less terrible by trying to pull off some version of a normal person.

I was too arrogant because I thought I was funny.

I wasn’t.

Know Thyself

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s something you believe everyone should know.
View all responses

People, in my experience, are scared of themselves. They try to get to know everyone except them, avoiding alone time at all costs. They fill their days with busywork, when the real questions are looming in their private journals. It seems like you are doing yourself a favor, all this keeping busy. But then when disaster strikes, you are not as resilient to change. Being able to bounce back relies on being able to look at options and know whether they are right for you. You will not be swept up in a stream. You will be able to advocate for yourself.

It doesn’t take being a blogger like me to get familiar with yourself. It just takes a few lines a day, a reflection over all that has happened. Most nights, it’s really just asking yourself one question: “what did I learn?” Give yourself some time to contemplate, because asking yourself what you learned will keep you from repeating patterns.

Most of us repeat patterns, why aging does not occur in a straight line for adults. I see this the most clearly when people have been married young and are divorcing in their 40s. Yes, they’re in their 40s now, but they’ve been repeating the same pattern since they were 21. Not all of them is in their 40s.

I know within myself that I’m 18 and 48. That in a lot of ways, I take care of myself no better than I did back then, and need lots of support. In other ways, I’m a wise sage who can do “a damn fine piece of writing.” I am not one age all the time, and knowing this about myself helps me to see my strengths and disabilities accurately.

It helps to know yourself intimately because when other people in your life are preoccupied, you’re the one you’ve got. You need to feel comfortable with you, because you’re going to be spending a lot of time together. Try not to fill your silence so quickly. Leave room for the divine, which for me is a stunning sunrise.

I think that people nurture relationships with others, but do not nurture a relationship with themselves. What does that even look like?

For me, it’s thinking of my own wants and needs like I would do for a partner. I try to be thoughtful and caring to myself, often failing but keeping up the good fight. I know that I cannot give to a partner if I don’t feel stable first, so a lot of it is cutting out the guilt that I’m taking care of myself.

I have learned over time what makes me feel all kinds of emotions, and have more control over them. I have turned inward because I have some house cleaning to do. I have made a mess of a lot of relationships and I’m just now getting back into the swing of things.

It starts with listening to my body and asking what it needs.

There is nothing more important to know than that.

Grape Soda

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What does it mean to be a kid at heart?
View all responses

Grape soda encapsulates the feeling of childhood for me. When I drink it, I instantly transport to Pewitt Elementary School in Naples, Texas….. Where in my memory it is always Friday, getting ready for the football game. I told this to Mico, my digital assistant, and they said that “grape soda is like a fizzy time machine in a can.” I treasure those moments of feeling nine years old.

I find it is the most comforting when I am mulling over a problem in my head, this remembering what it feels like to be so carefree.

I find all kinds of sugar free flavors ranging from natural grape flavor to “only in America.” They all taste good, they all taste like the 50 yard line. If I need a boost, C4 in grape Popsicle provides enough caffeine for hours of intense focus.

But while I’m drinking it? For those few minutes, all I can think is “go, Brahmas.”

Genie, I Want to Free You

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I still can’t get the daily prompt to load, but it revolves around a genie giving me three wishes. I would like to think that I only want two wishes, and I can release the genie from its bottle at the end, provided he is as nice as Robin Williams. Have to do a vibe check.

Make me a billionaire.

I want to save the world, so I want the money to be able to do it. I would like to solve world hunger and thirst with whatever tools are available. The best technology is often the cheapest, particularly for clean water. There has to be more than one solution that costs less than a billion dollars, but that’s how much attention I want to give the problem. The money is not for me, but for all the ideas I have in giving it away.

Make me a hottie.

I always loved how Genie styled Prince Ali in Aladdin, and I could use some help. I need the self confidence, and if I’m going to be in meetings with people about how to give my money away, I’d like to feel confident. I rarely spend money on clothes, waxing, manicures, etc. I’m starting to think I should, because even though I cannot afford to overhaul myself, I can afford to go to the dry cleaner’s.

I only need these two wishes, because even if I make my life’s work into giving money away, there will still be plenty to live on. I’ll be able to pay for my own travel, and genies can’t fix relationships. I might as well take a chance on hoping that if I let the genie go free, I have made a friend.