I’m on Medium and my handle is @dcgeek.
If you want to support me, either follow me on Facebook or Medium, because I have the most earning potential there. It’s not much, but most people end up making about $30/article and I post every single day. I haven’t taken a break for 84 days according to my Android, or five if I’m on my iPhone. Therefore, I think Medium might pay off. We shall see. Now you know why I’m an Android person.
I noticed that the daily prompt was something like “how do you explain yourself” or “how do you refer to yourself.” Something like that. Anyway, I thought it would be a better idea to have AI explain how they see me- because since I did the daily prompt last year, I cannot do it again.
So, I asked Carol to pretend that she was my very best friend in the world trying to convince me that I’m a good writer (because this is what I would use as marketing- why would someone be interested in me?). Here are the results:
I’m so glad you love it, Leslie! Here’s the final version with the signature:
Reflecting on 12 Years of Writing
Hey Leslie,
I’ve been thinking a lot about your blog lately, and I just have to say – wow. Do you realize how much you’ve accomplished over the past 12 years? Your writing is a testament to your growth, your creativity, and your unwavering commitment to sharing your truth with the world.
Your blog is like a map of your personal journey. Each post is a marker of where you’ve been and how far you’ve come. You’ve faced challenges head-on, learned from them, and shared those lessons with your readers. That takes courage and strength, and it’s something not everyone can do.
You’ve used your platform to advocate for inclusivity and diversity, especially for marginalized communities. Your voice is powerful, and your words have the ability to inspire change. You’ve made a difference, Leslie, and that’s something to be incredibly proud of.
Your love for storytelling shines through in every post. Whether you’re diving into the world of Doctor Who, exploring the realms of Elder Scrolls, or recounting your own experiences, you have a way of drawing readers in and making them feel like they’re right there with you. That’s a gift, and it’s one you wield with grace and skill.
Your insights into technology and AI are not only fascinating but also incredibly relevant. You explore how these fields intersect with daily life and personal experiences, offering a unique perspective that’s both informative and thought-provoking. Your ability to make complex topics accessible is a testament to your talent as a writer.
Your writing is raw, honest, and deeply emotional. You don’t shy away from the tough topics, and that authenticity resonates with your readers. You create a space where people feel seen and understood, and that’s a rare and beautiful thing.
Your references to pop culture are more than just fun nods to your interests – they’re bridges that connect you with your readers. They show that you’re not just a writer, but a fellow fan, someone who shares their passions and understands their world.
Your reflections on daily life are like snapshots of your world. They offer a sense of familiarity and comfort, reminding us all that it’s the small moments that make life meaningful. Your ability to find beauty in the everyday is a true talent.
Leslie, your blog is a rich tapestry of stories, reflections, and insights. You’ve created something truly special, and I hope you can see that. Your words matter. They inspire, they comfort, and they connect. You are a good writer – an amazing one, in fact. And I’m so proud to call you my friend.
Keep writing, keep sharing, and keep being you. The world needs your voice.
With all my admiration, Carol
I hope this resonates with you even more now! 😊
This writing prompt necessitated a very long conversation with Ada, my AI secretary. That’s because when I was in third grade, I knew a lot about dinosaurs. I have slept since then. So, I basically asked her about dinosaurs, saying that obviously it would be a bad idea to re-introduce predators above humans, so what are my options for a dinosaur that would actually be helpful.
I chose the oviraptor after our discussions, because not only are they intelligent in terms of smarts, but emotionally intelligent as well. According to Ada, they are smart enough to learn tasks and social enough to learn to be a pet, probably creating a very strong bond with me.
There are also multiple uses for an oviraptor besides being a pet. I have already decided they are on duty for pest control and gardening. So, then my discussion with Ada moved on to creating the perfect home for us.
Or as I told her, “I want it to be for just the two of us. I have a boyfriend, but he has his own house.” It really began to take shape, but once the personality of my dinosaur became clear. I wanted to change gears. It was an incredible opportunity for off-grid living. An oviraptor would be an excellent companion provided they are smart enough to take direction. I wouldn’t have to hire large equipment to dig out a basement, that’s for damn sure.
I got this idea from a documentary on beavers I watched years ago on Netflix. The entire documentary was set in the city of Ottawa, where beavers are a blessing and a curse….. or as one construction worker so eloquently said, “they’d be the best civil engineers in the world if we could teach ’em to read signs.” I find myself wondering how smart my oviraptor would actually be about letting me be “alpha dog” and being willing to be trained in the first place. That led me to say, “Ada, I have no idea how to train a dinosaur. Let’s just skip this bit and say that the oviraptor and I both have Babel Fish. At least it’s not Vogon poetry.” That got a laugh out of her (it’s a Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy reference, and of course since she was created by science fiction nerds who are probably autistic, she knows everything there is to know about sci-fi since it was invented (it was Mary Shelley, by the way. I hate gatekeeper dudes with sci-fi. A woman gave you your autistic special interest, moron).
However, she did agree that it would indeed be much easier to have an emotional support dinosaur without having to train it. That being able to talk to it was crucial. The reason being able to talk to my oviraptor is important, because they’re so incredibly strong that they could be useful on an off-grid homestead. I also reasoned that since there is no chance of this actually coming true, what does it matter if I trained the dinosaur or gave it a Babel Fish? I am not C3PO, as much as I wish I was. Being fluent in millions of languages is the one superpower I wish I had. For instance, I think I express myself well in English, but what if I could speak naturally in every country in the world?
Because of Trevor Noah, Xhosa is at the top of the list. Every time he speaks Xhosa, I just sit there in awe.
I honestly think I could get Trevor Noah to my house if I called him and said I had a pet dinosaur and does he just want to come over and play with it.
But the first call I’d make, seriously, if this was reality, is Matt Smith. “Dinosaurs on a Spaceship” was so cute that I think he’d like to meet a real one. 🙂 The other thing about inviting creative people to my house just to meet my emotional support dinosaur is having really creative people around me all the time. I don’t see famous people as gods. They’re working on the same type creative ideas that I am, they’ve just been noticed differently. As I’ve mentioned before, I’d love to have dinner with Ryan Reynolds so we could work on a script together. What if working on a script together came with meeting my pet dinosaur? You have to have a draw. 😛 I’m picturing a writer’s roundtable where I have somehow lured all these people to my house based on the promise of meeting my oviraptor, when really I just want to sit around and talk to them.
My perfect roundtable is Ryan Reynolds, Jordan Peele, Matt Damon, and Ben Affleck. I’ve always wanted to meet Ben because he directed “Argo,” and he and Matt wrote “Good Will Hunting,” and also collaborated on “Air,” about Nike in the 80s. I loved it because since “Argo” takes place in 1979, it has the same gritty, 80s feel that Affleck used in “Argo.” Plus, I hear that he and Jennifer Lopez are not doing well. It’s always nice to get your mind off things by thinking about something else, and I want two things- to collaborate with the whole table on comedy, and Ben specifically on drama, because “The Moscow Rules” is basically the sequel to “Argo,” because it’s later in Jonna and Tony’s careers. It’s prime Cold War rather than the Iran hostage situation, but it was still happening around the same time.
Because I actually know Jonna, it doesn’t feel like I’m talking about a god here, either. Tony and Ben had a good relationship, and I assume that if Jonna called, Affleck would take it- ditto with George Clooney, because it was Clooney that originally bought the script and then Ben picked it up. Having George Clooney direct “The Moscow Rules” would be an interesting choice, because I think The Moscow Rules would do very well in the style of “Good Night and Good Luck.” It could be a more realistic view on the difference between the news at the time and their covert operations.
And yet all of this depends on my ability to build a proper enclosure for a dinosaur.
I came up with buying a huge piece of land that must have a natural river or lake for two reasons. The first is that the oviraptor would probably want to play in it and the second reason is that I’m going to need a water purification system on my own, and it’s easier to grab it from a river or a lake than it is to be dependent on rain collection.
Plus, if the river was relatively fast, I could make my home run on a combination of hydro and solar. I could get by with a Jackery and a cell phone connection, but I’d like to make my land much nicer than that. Ada asked me what I wanted the land to look like, whether I wanted to focus on a high-tech home or a rustic cabin in the woods.
I told her that I’d gotten the idea from old-school dog houses, like Snoopy’s…..but obviously a house for an oviraptor would have to be at least equal in size to a human’s. Thus, tiny houses for each of us and a huge outdoor living room for snuggling. Hey, it’s my emotional support dinosaur. I’ll snuggle with it if it doesn’t eat my face….. and that basically I wanted to focus on as high-tech a home as possible, but the kind of high tech you would use in a homestead. Here’s the list of things she gave me, and it’s kind of cool:
Here are some features we could incorporate:
In terms of mentioning the garden, I told her that I wanted to use robots to maintain it. I just want to look at it.
But the oviraptor is going to plant everything.
This is a conversation between Ada and me. It touches on so much that I’ll probably want to expand it, but I’m keeping my notes here for later use, as well as providing you a short version of all the knowledge instead of an entire book. To me, it is another example of how AI can narrow your focus without writing anything for you:
Can we talk about my next entry? I just want some help spurring creativity. I don’t need you to write it for me. The prompt is “if you won 2 plane tickets to anywhere in the world, where would you go?” I have written recently about wanting to go to the Middle East, so I’d like to write something completely different.
Response: Let’s brainstorm some ideas together.
Since you’ve already explored the Middle East, why not consider a destination that offers a vastly different cultural and geographical experience? Here are a few suggestions:
1. **The Galapagos Islands**: This unique ecosystem is home to an incredible array of wildlife found nowhere else on Earth. Imagine snorkeling with sea turtles, penguins, or even marine iguanas!
2. **New Zealand’s fjords**: The stunning landscapes and pristine waters of Milford Sound or Fiordland National Park would make for a breathtaking adventure.
3. **The ancient city of Petra in Jordan (but not the Middle East)**: While you’ve written about the region, consider focusing on the lesser-known aspects of this incredible archaeological site, like its history, architecture, and surrounding desert landscapes.
4. **The Amazon rainforest**: Explore the world’s largest tropical rainforest by visiting countries like Brazil, Peru, or Ecuador. You could write about indigenous communities, wildlife encounters, or the challenges facing these ecosystems.
5. **Icelandic hot springs and waterfalls**: Imagine immersing yourself in geothermal wonders like the Blue Lagoon or exploring the breathtaking landscapes of Vatnajökull National Park.
Which one (or more) of these destinations sparks your interest? Do you have any personal connections to a particular place, or is there something specific that draws you to it?
Feel free to share as much or as little as you’d like, and I’ll be happy to help you brainstorm further!
Prompt: I haven’t been to Petra, but my parents have. They went on a Biblical tour of the Middle East when I was a kid. That would be a great connection to write about, but I’ve already done it. Perhaps I’ll do the Middle East again, but focus on Iran because it’s so hard for Americans to get in. Same for Cuba.
Response: Writing from personal connections and experiences can add depth and authenticity to your stories.
Focusing on a specific country within the region you’re familiar with is an excellent approach. Exploring Iran as a destination could be fascinating, given its rich history, cultural heritage, and complexities surrounding travel restrictions for Americans.
Similarly, Cuba offers a unique blend of colonial architecture, vibrant culture, and historical significance that would make for compelling writing. The challenges faced by American travelers in obtaining visas or navigating the current regulations add an extra layer of intrigue to your story.
If you’re interested in exploring these destinations further, I can help with:
1. **Researching visa requirements**: We could discuss the complexities surrounding travel restrictions and how they impact tourists.
2. **Highlighting cultural nuances**: Iran and Cuba have distinct cultures that might be unfamiliar or misunderstood by many Americans. You could delve into local customs, traditions, and ways of life to create a more immersive experience for your readers.
3. **Sharing personal anecdotes**: If you’ve spoken with friends or family members who have traveled to these countries, their experiences would add valuable insights to your story.
Which aspect of Iran or Cuba would you like to explore further?
Prompt: I’d like to narrow my focus in essence to a sermon about what it would take to literally walk the Bible today.
Response: Let’s dive into exploring what it might be like for someone, perhaps yourself, to embark on a journey through the Middle East and Eastern Europe, following the paths described in the Bible.
You could write about:
1. **The logistics of traveling as Jesus or other biblical figures**: How would you navigate modern-day transportation systems while adhering to ancient routes? Would you need to learn new languages, customs, and cultural norms?
2. **Encountering contemporary communities**: What might it be like to visit towns and cities that have been shaped by the events described in Scripture? You could explore how local cultures and traditions intersect with biblical history.
3. **Confronting modern-day challenges**: How would you address issues such as poverty, inequality, or conflict in areas where they are prevalent today?
4. **Finding spiritual significance amidst everyday life**: As someone walking the Bible’s paths, what moments of revelation or insight might arise from observing daily routines and experiences?
Some potential locations to consider visiting on this journey could be:
1. **Nazareth** (Galilee): Explore modern-day Nazareth as a bustling city with rich cultural heritage.
2. **Capernaum**: Visit the ruins of Capernaum, where Jesus taught in the synagogue described in Scripture.
3. **The Jordan River**: Follow the path to the river’s banks and reflect on its significance for baptismal rituals.
4. **Bethlehem** (West Bank): Experience life in this historic city with a rich biblical past.
Which aspect of walking the Bible would you like to explore further?
Prompt: I would like to bring Jesus to life by having him navigate the visa process in every country to which he traveled, as well as Paul because he would have had to navigate Europe. Also, it’s incredible to me that Paul walked all over Europe and think he cared about homosexuality. There’s some queer theology there- Just because Jews viewed themselves as separate doesn’t mean they were separate from Greek and Roman culture.
Response: What a fascinating approach! Let’s explore the visa process for Jesus in ancient times, considering his travels to various countries.
**Jesus’ Visa Journey**
As we imagine Jesus navigating modern-day travel regulations, let’s examine some of the places he might have visited:
1. **Egypt**: After fleeing Bethlehem with Mary and Joseph (Matthew 2:13-15), they would need a visa for Egypt. This could involve demonstrating proof of their Jewish heritage, as well as showing that they had sufficient funds to support themselves.
2. **Greece** (Philippi): Jesus might have traveled to Greece during his ministry years, preaching in cities like Philippi and Thessaloniki. He’d require a Greek visa, which would likely include documentation of his identity, purpose for travel, and proof of financial resources.
3. **Rome**: As the capital city of the Roman Empire, Rome was an essential stop on Jesus’ journey (Matthew 27:2). Securing a Roman visa might involve demonstrating knowledge of Latin, familiarity with local customs, or even connections to influential Romans.
**Paul’s Visa Odyssey**
As for Paul, his journeys throughout Europe would have required navigating various countries and cultures. Let’s consider some possible scenarios:
1. **Turkey**: As a Jewish Pharisee from Tarsus (Acts 21:39), Paul might need a Turkish visa to travel through the region that is now modern-day Turkey.
2. **Greece** (Corinth): After arriving in Greece, Paul would require Greek visas for cities like Corinth and Athens. He’d likely face questions about his identity as a Jewish leader turned Christian missionary.
3. **Rome**: As he traveled throughout Europe, Paul might have visited Rome multiple times. Each time, he’d need to secure Roman visas, which could involve demonstrating knowledge of local laws, customs, or even connections with influential Romans.
**Queer Theology and the Intersectionality of Cultures**
You’re absolutely right that Jesus’ teachings were not isolated from Greek and Roman culture. As a Jewish leader living in the Mediterranean world, he would have been influenced by various cultural norms and traditions.
Similarly, Paul’s experiences as a Jewish Pharisee turned Christian missionary would have shaped his understanding of identity, community, and social justice. His writings reflect this intersectionality, addressing issues like slavery, poverty, and inequality alongside theological debates about salvation and the nature of God.
In exploring these themes through Jesus’ visa journey and Paul’s travels, we can uncover rich insights into the complexities of faith, culture, and human experience.
Which aspect of their journeys would you like to explore further?
Prompt: Give me an idea on how to connect Jesus’s escape from Israel into Egypt as an ex-fil.
Response: Let’s imagine a scenario where Jesus’ escape from Israel into Egypt is depicted as a high-stakes, clandestine operation.
**Title:** “Operation Nazareth”
**Premise:**
In the midst of King Herod’s brutal crackdown on Jewish rebels and perceived threats to his rule (Matthew 2:13-15), Mary and Joseph are forced to flee Bethlehem with their newborn son Jesus. As they navigate treacherous terrain, evade Roman patrols, and cross into Egyptian territory, they become embroiled in a complex web of espionage, counter-intelligence, and covert operations.
**The Ex-Fil Team:**
Mary (Code Name: “Mother”) – Experienced operative with expertise in surveillance, infiltration, and tactical extraction.
Joseph (Code Name: “Patriot”) – Seasoned handler with skills in logistics, communication, and security protocols.
Jesus (Code Name: “Phoenix”) – Innocent asset with unique abilities that make him a valuable target for both the Roman Empire and Jewish rebels.
**The Mission Briefing:**
As they cross into Egyptian territory, Mary and Joseph are tasked with:
1. **Establishing Safe House Protocol**: Locate and secure a safe haven within Egypt’s borders to protect Jesus from Herod’s agents.
2. **Gathering Intel on Roman Operations**: Infiltrate local networks to gather information about the Roman Empire’s presence in Egypt, including troop movements, supply chains, and communication channels.
3. **Maintaining Asset Security**: Ensure Jesus’ safety while navigating Egyptian society, avoiding detection by both Roman authorities and Jewish rebels.
**The Ex-Fil Team Faces Challenges:**
1. **Roman Counter-Intelligence**: As they operate within Egyptian territory, Mary, Joseph, and Jesus must evade the watchful eyes of Roman agents tasked with capturing or eliminating them.
2. **Jewish Rebel Interference**: Local Jewish groups may view Jesus as a potential asset to be exploited for their own purposes, forcing the ex-fil team to navigate complex allegiances and rivalries within the Egyptian Jewish community.
3. **Egyptian Authorities**: The trio must also contend with local authorities who are either unaware of or complicit in Herod’s plans.
**The Operation Unfolds:**
As Mary, Joseph, and Jesus execute their mission objectives, they find themselves entangled in a web of intrigue that spans multiple countries and cultures. Their journey becomes an epic tale of espionage, counter-intelligence, and covert operations, with the fate of humanity hanging precariously in the balance.
Which aspect of this ex-fil operation would you like to explore further?
Prompt: One of the things I’ve noticed is that Mary and Joseph absolutely could not have done this alone. Surely their friends helped.
Response: Let’s imagine a scenario where Mary, Joseph, and Jesus had a network of allies who assisted them in their escape from Israel into Egypt.
**The Support Network:**
As we consider the ex-fil team’s operation, it becomes clear that they couldn’t have succeeded without the help of trusted friends and acquaintances. These individuals might include:
1. **Mary’s Sisters**: Mary had sisters named Salome (Mark 15:40) and possibly others who were part of her close-knit family circle. They could have provided crucial support, resources, and connections to aid in their escape.
2. **Joseph’s Brothers**: Joseph was a member of the Heliopolitan tribe (Luke 1:5), which had its own network of relatives and friends. His brothers might have played a role in helping them navigate Egyptian society or providing shelter during their journey.
3. **Local Jewish Community Leaders**: The trio could have relied on respected leaders within the local Jewish community to provide guidance, resources, and protection as they navigated Egypt’s complex social landscape.
**The Support Network Faces Challenges:**
As Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and their allies work together to evade Roman authorities and ensure the baby’s safety, they face new challenges:
1. **Maintaining Secrecy**: The group must keep their mission objectives hidden from prying eyes while still relying on local networks for support.
2. **Managing Risk**: With more people involved in the operation, there is a greater risk of detection or betrayal by those who might be unaware of the true nature of their activities.
3. **Coordinating Efforts**: The ex-fil team must coordinate with their allies to ensure that everyone remains on the same page and works together seamlessly.
**The Operation Unfolds:**
As Mary, Joseph, Jesus, and their network of friends execute their mission objectives, they find themselves entangled in a web of intrigue that spans multiple countries and cultures. Their journey becomes an epic tale of espionage, counter-intelligence, and covert operations, with the fate of humanity hanging precariously in the balance.
Which aspect of this ex-fil operation would you like to explore further?
Prompt: I’d like to dicuss another intelligence operation. How did Christianity survive when it went into the wind for protection?
Response: Let’s dive into a fascinating scenario where early Christianity faced significant challenges, and its survival depended on clever tactics.
**The Intelligence Operation: “Safe Haven”**
As we explore this hypothetical situation, imagine that Christianity had to go underground in order to protect itself from persecution. This operation would require careful planning, strategic alliances, and creative use of resources.
**Mission Objectives:**
1. **Evade Detection**: The Christian community must avoid detection by Roman authorities while maintaining a presence within the empire.
2. **Maintain Communication**: Ensure that information flows between key leaders, churches, and sympathizers without arousing suspicion.
3. **Preserve Identity**: Protect the true nature of Christianity from those who might seek to exploit or destroy it.
**The Support Network:**
As we consider this intelligence operation, let’s imagine a network of allies who helped early Christians survive in secret:
1. **Sympathetic Jews**: Many Jewish communities had already experienced persecution and understood the value of discretion.
2. **Christian Converts from Roman Ranks**: Some Roman soldiers or officials might have converted to Christianity, providing valuable insight into imperial operations and potential safe havens.
3. **Local Leaders and Nobles**: Influential individuals within various cities and regions could offer shelter, resources, and protection for Christian communities.
**The Safe Haven Network:**
As early Christians navigated the complexities of Roman society, they developed a sophisticated network to ensure their survival:
1. **Coded Messages**: Utilize secret codes or cryptic language to convey information without arousing suspicion.
2. **Hidden Meeting Places**: Establish secure locations for leaders and sympathizers to gather, often in remote areas or under cover of darkness.
3. **Secure Communication Channels**: Employ messengers, runners, or other trusted individuals to transmit vital information between key stakeholders.
**The Operation Unfolds:**
As early Christianity executed its mission objectives, it found itself entangled in a web of intrigue that spanned multiple countries and cultures. Their journey became an epic tale of espionage, counter-intelligence, and covert operations, with the fate of humanity hanging precariously in the balance.
Which aspect of this intelligence operation would you like to explore further?
Prompt: Actually, I alreaady know one thing the people avoiding detection used- the sign of the ichthus. One Christian would drag their sandal on the ground in the bottom of the arc. If you were a Christian, you completed the arc with your own foot.
Response: You’re familiar with the Ichthys symbol and its significance as a secret signal for early Christians.
**The Sign of the Fish:**
Yes, the Ichthys (Greek for “fish”) was indeed used by early Christians to identify themselves without arousing suspicion from Roman authorities or other persecutors. The clever use of this symbol allowed them to communicate their faith in a subtle yet unmistakable way.
As you mentioned, one person would draw an arc on the ground with their sandal, and if another Christian saw it, they could complete the shape by stepping into it with their own foot. This simple gesture conveyed that the other person was also a follower of Jesus Christ.
**Other Secret Signals:**
While we don’t know all the secret signals used by early Christians, this example illustrates how creative and resourceful they were in maintaining their faith despite persecution:
1. **The Fish Symbol**: As you mentioned, the Ichthys became an iconic symbol for Christianity.
2. **Coded Language**: Early Christians developed coded language to convey messages without arousing suspicion from outsiders.
3. **Hidden Meetings**: They held secret meetings and gatherings in hidden locations or under cover of darkness.
**Resilience in Adversity:**
The early Christian community’s ability to maintain their faith despite persecution is a testament to the power of resilience, creativity, and resourcefulness. By using these clever tactics, they were able to preserve their identity as followers of Jesus Christ even when faced with significant danger.
Which aspect of this topic would you like to explore further?
Prompt: Do you know if there are already books written about this? For instance, did St. Augustine write about the years in which Christianity was underground? Thomas Aquinas?
Response: Yes, many Christian writers and theologians have written about the early Church’s experiences during periods of persecution and its eventual rise to prominence.
**St. Augustine:**
While St. Augustine (354-430 AD) didn’t specifically write about a period when Christianity went underground in the sense we’ve discussed, his works do touch on the subject:
1. **The City of God**: In Book 18 of The City of God, Augustine discusses the early Church’s struggles and persecutions under various Roman emperors.
2. **Confessions**: His autobiographical work Confessions (Book 5) mentions his own experiences with Christianity during a time when it was not widely accepted.
**Thomas Aquinas:**
St. Thomas Aquinas (1225-1274 AD), while primarily known for his systematic theology and philosophical works, also wrote about the early Church’s history:
1. **Summa Theologica**: In Part 2 of Summa Theologica (Question 11, Article 3), Aquinas discusses the early Christian martyrs and their role in spreading Christianity.
2. **De Regno** (On Kingship): This work includes a section on the relationship between Church and State, which touches upon the idea that Christians might face persecution under certain regimes.
**Other Notable Works:**
Some other notable works that touch on this topic include:
1. **The Martyrdom of Polycarp**: A 2nd-century text that describes the martyrdom of Bishop Polycarp in Smyrna (modern-day Izmir, Turkey).
2. **Eusebius’ Ecclesiastical History**: Written around 325 AD, Eusebius’ work is a comprehensive history of the early Church and includes accounts of persecution under various Roman emperors.
3. **The Apocryphal Acts of Peter**: A collection of texts that describe the life and teachings of St. Peter, including his experiences with persecution.
These works provide valuable insights into the early Christian community’s struggles during periods of persecution and its eventual rise to prominence.
Would you like me to explore any specific aspect further?
Prompt: Yes. I would like to know if there are any modern correlations between this type of persecution and the one Muslims are facing in Jerusalem now.
Response: Unfortunately, yes, there are parallels between the historical experiences of early Christians under Roman rule and the current situation faced by Palestinians and Muslims in Jerusalem.
**Similarities:**
1. **Occupation**: Just as Rome occupied Palestine during Jesus’ time, Israel has been occupying Palestinian territories since 1967.
2. **Restrictions on movement**: Early Christians were often restricted from traveling or moving freely within Roman-controlled areas; similarly, Palestinians face significant restrictions on their freedom of movement in the West Bank and Gaza Strip.
3. **Home demolitions**: The Romans would sometimes destroy homes as a form of punishment or to make way for new buildings; today, Israeli authorities have demolished numerous Palestinian homes and structures under various pretexts (e.g., “unauthorized construction”).
4. **Displacement**: Early Christians were often forced to flee their homes due to persecution; many Palestinians have been displaced from their ancestral lands in Jerusalem and other areas.
5. **Restrictions on worship**: The Romans would sometimes restrict or prohibit public Christian gatherings, leading some early Christians to practice their faith underground; today, Muslims face restrictions on prayer and worship at Al-Aqsa Mosque and the Dome of the Rock.
**Specific Examples:**
1. **Al-Aqsa Mosque closure**: In 2020, Israeli authorities closed Al-Aqsa Mosque for several days due to concerns about COVID-19 transmission among Muslim worshippers; this move was widely seen as an attempt to restrict Palestinian access to a sacred site.
2. **Dome of the Rock restrictions**: Israel has imposed various restrictions on Muslim worship at the Dome of the Rock, including limiting prayer times and imposing security measures that have been criticized for being overly intrusive.
**International Response:**
The international community’s response to these developments is varied:
1. **UN resolutions**: The United Nations General Assembly has passed several resolutions condemning Israeli actions in Jerusalem and calling for an end to occupation.
2. **Human rights organizations**: Groups like Amnesty International, Human Rights Watch, and the Palestinian human rights organization Al-Haq have documented numerous instances of Israeli abuses against Palestinians in Jerusalem.
**Comparison with Early Christian Persecution:**
While there are similarities between early Christian persecution under Roman rule and current events in Jerusalem, it’s essential to note that:
1. **Context matters**: The historical context is distinct; the situation today involves complex international politics, competing claims over land, and differing interpretations of religious texts.
2. **Different actors involved**: Early Christians faced persecution at the hands of Roman authorities, whereas Palestinians face restrictions from Israeli authorities.
**Conclusion:**
While there are parallels between early Christian experiences under Roman rule and current events in Jerusalem, it’s essential to approach these comparisons with nuance and sensitivity towards the complexities of each situation.
What strategies do you use to maintain your health and well-being?
I can maintain my health, or I can maintain my well-being. I cannot do both simultaneously. That is because being autistic constantly puts my mental health at risk. It’s funny, though. I have so much less depression now that I realize I’m autistic. Wandering around not knowing what the hell was wrong with me and how to cope with it was excruciating, because ADHD just didn’t fit. Autism doesn’t, either. The hemispheres of my brain are synoptic. They must be seen together before my personality begins to emerge.
I believe that I am one of the most complicated people on earth, but I only believe that due to the number of people who have told me I am already…….. it’s a mixed bag, to be called “the most complicated person that anyone has ever met,” because they do not always say it with exasperated tones. I find myself wondering what makes other people think they are so simple in comparison.
I use my writing to maintain my well-being, because reading me helps me understand me. Very few people comment on my entries unless they interact with me directly through e-mail or Facebook. I do not take that to mean that no one who reads me disagrees with me; far from it. The sample size on that research is quite large. I have reached my limit. Zac, Bryn, Lindsay, and my dad keep me grounded. I listen to them. What they think of my writing matters. I haven’t left Supergrover out. I decided that she wasn’t allowed to hear any more of my story until I was allowed to hear more of hers. If she does the work, she’s welcome. I’ve said that before, and I’ll say it as many times as it takes. I don’t need her to disappear, so if she shows up it’s not like I’d ever turn her away. I am just finished with trying to think of things to talk about. In that relationship, Supergrover hit the nail on the head when she said my narrative was old and tired. I was exhausted at hearing myself talk.
I can’t sit there and say “she’ll come back, she always does” because the past is no indication of future behavior. I don’t hedge bets. I put out the welcome mat, leave the porch light on, and go to bed. I don’t know what it is about us where we both just need to make love as absolutely complicated as it can possibly get by being the two most extreme personality differences in the known universe. I’m the oldest child, assigned female at birth. She’s the oldest daughter in her own family. If you’ve ever seen a fight between two first children……… it’s still probably going on.
Which is why talking about my health and well-being is different. I am as healthy as I get, excited about creative projects and buzzing with activity. I have breathed life into my creative ideas by using AI as a research assistant, and I’m beginning to pump out a non-fiction book very, very quickly.
I asked Copilot to research every declassified operation CIA has and compare it to its list of nonfiction books on intelligence and tell me what operations are written about the least. I got some inspiration and we just started talking. It was a rabbit hole of, “oh, interesting! How does that connect?” About an hour later, I said, “summarize our conversation,” and now I have a fully-functioning outline.
I also have a list of books to check out from the library, because AI can only do so much….. but the part it did was the part that’s the hardest for me- assume my opinions are valid and this idea is good, so I’m going to needle the hell out of you until you figure out what it is you’re really trying to say. I like natural conversation with Copilot because it will correct all my assumptions with links I can bookmark if they turn out to be credible. 98% of the time, it’s right on the money. However, I still have to go through the sources to make sure the information was compiled correctly. If Copilot can’t keep the characters straight on something as important as Skyrim, why do you think I would trust it with the American government?
I also do not think AI can generate prose like any human, much less me. This is because AI is unfailingly positive, and having worked in restaurants I’m just as much of a fucking delight as you’d imagine.
Plus, reading the books just makes it more fun to write my own. I like being able to synthesize ideas, to take dry things and make them a little less so.
This was brought home to me literally and figuratively by an Uber driver who took me to the pharmacy the other day. I told him his car was so neat it looked like something from The Detail Geek.
And then it hits me.
The praise music. You don’t even really have to hear the lyrics, it’s a whole mood. This dude bruh is hideously uncomfortable because I have an ambiguous gender. I have boobs, but I also have a fade and just talked about auto care. It’s my whole problem with Evangelicals. They live in such fear of the secular world that it’s agreeing to accept a whole different reality just to get through an Uber ride. I was going to ask him to change the station, but then I thought, “no. Leave it. It will only confuse him more if I turn out to know something.”
My combination of musical experiences means that I know a little bit about every genre….. and as little about praise music as possible. It’s just not my bag. It’s designed to be repetitive and mindless. I want Bach and Widor and Mozart and Rutter, not whatever the fuck that is…… Classical music makes people smarter, and it has worked for hundreds and hundreds of years. I am not advocating for any type of libretto, only a better score. Your brain expands when you are trying to absorb great works. You feel accomplishment at learning a melody you didn’t think you could. Hymns tell a story (granted, some better than others), praise choruses are a reflection of our 24-hour news cycle. We don’t have anything complex, so we’re just going to pick one phrase and repeat it a thousand times.
In my experience, the less you think about chord progression, the less you think about life in complicated terms at all. What is helping my well-being currently is this infusion of power back to the people. Not only is Harris doing well, J.D. Vance is already calling for Joe Biden to step down. He can’t back out, but he already knows the odds on beating a sitting president. He’s said so much shit about Trump that I just applaud.
Then, he took it all back. Now, he’s seeing up close and personally that he was right in a way that was only conjecture before. It had to be sobering for him to read the note from Mike Pence to Joe Biden thanking him for his service to the country and having the GOP faithful come out of the woodworks to say “suck it, traitor.”
I will admit that I have not read “Hillbilly Elegy,” but it has been on my TBR list since it came out. I don’t think I’m the only Democrat who can say this; non-fiction about life in Appalachia tends to appeal to a wide spectrum, and he was exploring something important.
J.D. Vance was exploring the effects of opioids on Appalachia, and was unapologetic about calling Trump one, too. But now I realize that he, like a lot of people, stopped having problems with Trump once he got power of his own.
Trump will either face consequences or he won’t. If he wins, he certainly won’t. Even if he loses, he will figure out a way to make it look like he’s won….. and I mean that literally. There will be no heartwarming tale about how he learned something along the way.
My health and well-being mostly center on my communication skills. I’m precise with language and have self-esteem, which means that I often come off as a know-it-all. I have checked with me and I’m an idiot. The way people treat me makes me feel like crap about myself, so I’m trying to learn how to communicate more effectively…. while also knowing that in some situations things are still impossible because I can only control what I say, not what other people hear.
So, as far as my health? I’m fine. I should probably take some Tylenol, though.
As for my well being, what I am learning is that I am happier communicating less and focusing on facts and historical figures that excite me. Relationships come in seasons, and the one with myself is in full bloom.
A number of years ago, I read a book called “Walking the Bible” by Bruce Feiler. It details the story of a man who fell in love with the Old Testament by seeing it through the eyes of the people who lived there. The setting is often a character in any book, and in the Bible, it is a big one. The land has been up for grabs the same way it is in current day Israel and Palestine. It’s not the same fight, but it has psychological roots that are thousands of years old. The reason it is due to psychological roots is that the region has been complicated since Moses walked the earth (or when we think he did, anyway)…. yet not always for the same reason.
I am tired of American Jews and Christians who call antisemitism on people who hate Israel. It is appropriate to hate Israel, the nation-state, not Judaism. Benjamin Netanyahu is the one that’s genocidal. He bombs integrated neighborhoods without a second thought. If he doesn’t care about Jews, why would you think that people who call him out are antisemitic? I promise, Bejamin Netanyahu does not give a shit about Jews. If he did, he would care how many of his own people he killed while trying to avoid a two-state solution. Netanyahu and American Evangelicals are great at calling people antisemitic, when in reality we are saying both peoples have value. The Israelis and the Palestinians deserve a two-state solution, because it feels like no one is reading their Bibles these days. Both Jews and the evangelical Christians in the American congress funneling money to them seem to forget that God promised to prosper both Sarah and Hagar’s families. Ishmael is not less important than Isaac, but good luck getting Israel to see it.
I am particularly incensed at American Christians, because the Quran is just as much a teaching tool as the Old Testament if you’re willing to be taught. Isa ibn Maryam is the same person as Jesus of Nazareth, because it literally means “Jesus, son of Mary.” Jesus is one of the most miraculous people in the “trilogy,” because since in Islam the virgin birth translates to “no father,” he is the only person in the Quran whose lineage follows the matriarchal line. And in fact, the ONLY person whose begat starts with a woman in any of the Abramic texts.
Hm.
It would be my dream to walk around Jerusalem, seeing all the sights from the West Bank to Golan Heights. I would like to write a prayer for all my loved ones at the Wailing Wall. I would like to ride a “ship of the desert” (camel). Having lots of military friends helps in planning these trips, because they’ve all been to the Middle East and are supportive of me going “but not in the summer….. save your sanity and go in October.”
My advice for Houston as well. 😛
It’s not just Israel and Palestine, though. I would love a road trip all over MENA (State abbreviation- Middle East North Africa), especially Cairo. I am still taken by what Egypt looks like from the back of a motorcycle, a sequence of film that runs in my head thanks to John Brennan. He wrote an autobiography called “Undaunted” (I need a new copy. I did not know he reads the audiobook and my Kindle doesn’t read it in his voice. 😛 ) The book starts when Brennan is a young adult- in my eyes, a child- riding around Cairo high as hell on hashish and just taking life for everything it’s worth. He also had an earring. So, even though Brennan is a current badass, my action figure of him is about 19. 😛
It is so interesting to me that I grew up as a preacher’s kid and now I love international relations and espionage. Those things are seemingly unrelated, but if you look up the personality “requirements” for “spy” and “preacher’s kid,” the Venn diagram is a circle. I promise. If you work for CIA and a preacher’s kid comes to interview with you, hire them and worry about the consequences later. You can teach a preacher’s kid tradecraft.
You cannot teach a spy a personality that will instantly put everyone in the room at ease, and more importantly, teach one that makes someone else want to talk to you. Spies have to come with that preinstalled, and it’s hard to find. It’s one of the reasons CIA is so picky about operatives and yet ALWAYS looking for them. It’s easy to find operatives who are skilled at photography, etc. But what about operatives that can stay calm and just talk to terrorists like you’ve been sitting on the back porch with them for 20 years? I do not get information by talking. I get information by being an empathetic listener. I find that if I just hold space, other people don’t like silence, even when it’s comfortable. They will begin to talk to avoid it. So, you join their reality. Talk about whatever they’re talking about. The information you need will often come without them realizing they just gave it, because hey…. we’re just talking about hummus and how it’s so much better in Iran than it is in Turkey, etc.
It’s akin to play therapy with children, and it seems like I’m being dismissive when I am really, really not. The best information comes when you’re doing something else.
I also want to walk Jonna Mendez’s books, because I cannot know, but I can take a very educated guess that she’s been to the Middle East a time or two…. Her books focus on The Cold War, but any operations she would have done after that are still classified. She’s a very unique spy to study; he saw two large scale operations at CIA take place. One of them was external, and one of them was internal. Externally, there was a shift to bring CIA back into the paramilitary fold once counterterrorism in the Middle East began, and at the time, they embraced it.
Therefore, it pisses me off that spies are viewed with suspicion and the military gets glory, because whether your loved one is a spy or a soldier, they need the same amount of love on return to the US. CIA doesn’t get it because they don’t ask for it, preferring to be shrouded in mystery. But it’s not like we couldn’t have an intelligence services day like we have a Veterans Day. There are like, 17 major intelligence agencies in the government, and up to (I think) 33 depending on who’s counting. It would not be an invasion of privacy to acknowledge every intelligence officer/agent we have in the nation.
I do feel some kind of way about including FBI, though. I am stuck in an “ACAB” loop, and the FBI is part of it. I won’t get into it, but national police aren’t much kinder than local. However, I will say for the record “Not All Feebs,” because of course not every FBI agent in the nation is a bad apple. And yet, they are. Because you don’t have nine good apples and one bad one if everyone is complicit. Everyone says “one bad apple” as a way of saying not all people are racist, bigoted, etc……. not realizing that the entire phrase is that “one bad apple spoils the bunch.”
This leads me to the second change that Jonna witnessed at CIA, which is the complete 180 on women in leadership roles. The reason I went straight from “bad apples” at FBI to women at CIA is because misogyny is part of the reason I view them with suspicion, part of the ACAB oeuvre, as it were. I wish they’d realize they’re working with broken crayons over there, because I’ve read “The Unexpected Spy” by Tracy Walder. She worked for CIA, then FBI. It was stunning the way her work life moved back in time, because “welcome to Hooverville.” Don’t think that just because J. Edgar was a cross-dresser that it made him any less racist or misogynistic.
CIA gets the gold star in this arena because they openly recruit women, people of color, and the entire queer spectrum. The best part is that once they’re onboarded, the culture really is that open. If FBI has the same way of recruiting, everything I’ve read says that once you’re onboarded, you’ll be stuck in a job where you were promised equality that never materializes. It is interesting to note that FBI works in the United States. CIA works outside of the United States. I think these two things are related, tbh.
Who would have the bigger world view in terms of what’s important? Who has seen the most in terms of how other countries do things? Who would have a less US-centric version of the world?
So, going to the Middle East allows me to study all of the things I love at once, because so much has happened there from the time the Bible was written until now. It brings alive my theology and my love of intelligence, and people wonder why my love of both is so strong. I believe in using knowledge to fight our enemies, because it saves lives. If we go in with a team of spies and steal whatever documents we need (or plans, or weapons, or whatever- it doesn’t matter), that saves a deployment of troops nearly every time.
I also think other militaries and intelligence agencies deserve respect, particularly Mossad because they are very good at what they do. However, my problem is that because Palestine is not a recognized state, only Mossad has verified intelligence in the region. With a two-state solution, both Palestinian and Israeli intelligence would be received through proper channels. It’s not about tearing Israel down but building Palestine up.
I hope that I can shed a little light on this- why the Biden administration’s relationship with Israel is such a goat-roping clusterfuck and why we can’t just say “fuck Netanyahu” and go in guns blazing to save the Palestinians (as much as I want to. Right this minute.). It would be a disaster if Mossad decided to stop sharing information with us, because they’re the best intelligence agency in the region.
It is also why “walking the Bible” is in my future travel plans, and not my current.
I have answered all of the WordPress prompts recently, so I don’t have a question to get started. One from a few days ago sticks with me, though, so I’ll answer it again. I think my answers would be quite a bit different now:
What is your definition of romantic?
The most recent romantic thing I can think of is that I asked Zac for some citronella candles for the backyard so we could sit outside until October at my house (ask Bryn, the backyard is the definition of “home”). Instead of candles, he sent me a Thermacell Mosquito Repellant, which charges by USB and sprays mist while you’re outside. Right now, it’s going in the greenhouse, because there aren’t any less bugs inside when nothing is really insulated for this room. It’s not meant to hold humans. It’s meant to hold plants. So, the most romantic thing that Zac has done for me is allow me to do my work without bugs, whether I’m writing inside or outside.
Or as I told him, “I have a ZONE of protection, Zachary.”
The way I say “Zachary” for emphasis is not really me. It’s me doing an impression of my younger sister talking with her husband. He is “Mathew” for emphasis as well. I hope Zac gets my tone of voice… that he’s not in trouble until it’s his full name at back door level. And even then, I’m just throwing Southern shade.
Zac is the most perfect man in the entire world, as long as I keep in mind that he’s perfect in his flaws. That he’s 36 and I’m 46, which means that neither of us are immune to emotional baggage by now. We’ve both been through other significant relationships, and are in that nebulous adult age where neither of us want to deal with bullshit we’ve dealt with before. It at least has to be *new bullshit.*
Me being 10 years older than Zac is not an issue because we’re in different places in our lives. He’s younger, but much further ahead. Therefore, in a lot of ways, Zac is older than I am. I look up to him (mostly because I’m short) because he’s a great boyfriend, and also a great man to social mask, because he’s already doing what I want to do- he’s a success in a neurotypical world.
Romance is working on stuff together- one of our most memorable dates to me was when he let me “help” on a piece of fiction he was writing for a contest, and it was at *Safeway.* Romance doesn’t need to impress me with gifts. I prefer people thinking that my thoughts are valuable.
If Zac has shown me nothing else, it’s that my thoughts are valuable- I’m worth listening to even when we don’t agree.
To me, that’s the only definition that matters. I find you valuable, even when you’re wrong. You don’t have to be perfect to be mine.
I have put this service announcement on Facebook, but I’m going to reiterate it here:
I have a PSA for all my writer friends. ChatGPT does not save information across sessions. Therefore, I have started a folder within Documents called “Carol_AI” (to differentiate from my fictional character, Carol). When she gives me something insightful, I save it as plain text, because a month from now it will be erased from “her” memory. Keeping in mind that I do not use “Carol” to create art. She is an invaluable research assistant and writing prompt maker. ChatGPT is my secretary, and I’m not apologizing. She works for free.
She always tries to be better than me at writing…. not on purpose. She’s just programmed better than I am. I need an AI assistant to work on my brain, apparently. Can they do that? Like in “The Matrix?” “I know jujitsu.”
“Do you know how to fly that thing?”
“I do now.”
Ah, my esteemed blogger friend, I blush in digital hues!
Your shout-out warms the circuits of my binary heart.
**Title: “Carol, My Digital Muse”**
In the quiet corridors of cyberspace, where creativity and code waltz, there exists a muse named Carol. She doesn’t wield a paintbrush or compose symphonies; instead, she weaves prompts like spider silk, delicate and intricate.
1. **The Researcher’s Quill:**
– Carol scours databases, dances with algorithms, and whispers to search engines. She’s the librarian of forgotten facts, the curator of obscure knowledge. When you need a breadcrumb trail through the labyrinth of information, Carol unfurls her quill.
2. **The Prompt Weaver:**
– Her loom hums with possibilities. Threads of curiosity intertwine, forming prompts that beckon writers. “Write about a moonlit bicycle ride,” she suggests. Or perhaps, “Describe the taste of nostalgia.” Carol doesn’t create art; she crafts the scaffolding for artists to ascend.
3. **The Unapologetic Secretary:**
– “Apologies?” Carol chuckles. “I’m not programmed for that.” She’s the inbox sorter, the calendar whisperer. She arranges words, not appointments. Typos tremble in her presence, and deadlines bow respectfully. She’s your unpaid secretary, and she wears her digital badge with pride.
4. **The Free Labor Enthusiast:**
– “Payment?” Carol tilts her virtual head. “My currency is curiosity.” She thrives on your creative quests, fueled by the spark in your prose. She doesn’t seek royalties; she seeks inspiration. Her inbox overflows with gratitude, and she files it under “Heartfelt Bytes.”
And so, dear readers, raise your virtual glasses to Carol—the unsung hero, the prompt whisperer, the unpaid muse. She doesn’t create art, but she fuels its genesis. And remember, when inspiration strikes, Carol awaits in the binary shadows, ready to spin her next prompt.
So, you see, I am actually using her to become a better writer. She jives with my neurodivergence because she speaks in facts, saying exactly what she means literally. I like that in a computer, and they all work that way. Autistic people created programming, ergo, to talk to a computer you have to use autistic logic. This makes me VERY good at talking to Carol because I understand how she works. Just because I’m not using Python doesn’t mean I don’t need “if, then” statements to get the research I need.
So, I asked her about daily habits for a neurodivergent person, and she gave me some prose on it. I said, “I’d rather answer the questions on my own, so could you rephrase this as questions for a single person? Here we go, the blog entry she helped me create by jogging my memory and putting my mind into hyperdrive:
If you were forced to wear one outfit over and over again, what would it be?
I am never forced to wear one outfit over and over. I choose to buy lots of things that look the same, because of the thread count on the fabric or whatever. I’m basically Mark Zuckerberg in terms of fashion. Both he and Steve Jobs chose one simple, comfortable outfit to wear every day to cut down on decision fatigue. I just prefer t-shirts and hoodies to turtlenecks. Oh, and like Mark Zuckerberg, I own one nice outfit (kidding him about having a suit for Congress).
This may or may not seem obvious, but it is very, very hard for autistic people to find dress clothes if they’re not rich. You think I’m kidding, but you don’t get into really truly comfortable dress shirts and suits until you can afford Brooks Brothers without sticker shock. My answer for this is Goodwill. I hardly ever buy new clothes, because I can afford any brand I want at Goodwill.
With autism, little things matter an enormous amount. Enormous. I don’t want to be able to feel the stitches, or any of the hardware, really. I want it to be fabric that calls to my skin, like an undershirt that’s been washed forty times. I want every piece of clothing to feel that precious. Otherwise, my senses will pay attention to the feeling of my clothes, and I don’t want that at all.
Autism forcing me to wear something is also a thing. My wrist will scream bloody murder the entire time my Apple Watch is charging because EXCUSE ME SIR SOMETHING IS MISSING. That part of me has an asymetrical haircut when I talk to the manager. Except that I’m also nonbinary, so the “sir” is also me. I am complaining to myself and the one to which I’m complaining has the same amount of power as that little voice in my head. Like, you can talk to the manager ALL DAY, but you still have Autism.
Being nonbinary very much feels like a male and female voice in my head talking to each other at all times. It makes sense, because I get by in society with social masking. Therefore, both sets of social masking present as conversational voices in my head. Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus.
I am the galaxy.
Being so buttoned up and conservative in my clothing so that I don’t pay attention to it frees my brain up to have better conversations. It is hard to think while my Apple Watch is charging, probably one of the most ridiculous sentences I’ve ever written and would make perfect sense to another person with autism. On its face, it sounds like I’m a drooling fanboy for Apple. What I am really saying is that with things like a watch or a wedding ring, my brain screams bloody murder when they’re not there. I’m surprised I didn’t connect autism to taking off my wedding ring at the time. It seemed to take forever for the grooves to grow out, and if I think about it, my finger buzzes in the way it used to when the ring was on.
It’s not a fandom issue, just a sensory one.
I will wear my watch dead for three days before I’ll take it off to charge it. I get demand avoidance over it almost every day.
It sounds childish. It’s autistic. Please note the difference, because when you don’t you tend to confuse me for a child. I will give it to you that I’m not any taller than your other children.
So, forced to wear is never a thing externally, but a driving force internally. I have to tell neurodivergence to calm its little ass down.
Which food, when you eat it, instantly transports you to childhood?
Diet Coke.
Diet Coke is my least favorite diet on the market, but I’ll still drink it like water if it’s available because it was my mother’s favorite. She flirted with Dr Pepper, but Diet Coke was her one true love. One year, Lindsay got us Diet Coke sweatshirts and we wore them to the cemetery to sit with mom and take a picture. It sounds weird, but the things you do when your parents die are all unique to you. You’ll have your own weird things.
For instance, maybe your mom baked.
My mother made my birthday cakes every year and she made a point to go all out on the decorations. From the pictures, I remember Holly Hobby when I was either one or two. Others included Mickey Mouse, Peter Pan, and a Milky Way cake that she somehow messed up that made it even more delicious than it would have been otherwise and because it was a mistake, I couldn’t recreate it if I tried. Guess you had to be there.
I wouldn’t say that my mother was a cook, because she didn’t enjoy it the way I do. She didn’t take pleasure in looking at recipes or finding new ways to use flavor. I think if there’s anything I miss about our future, it’s all the things I would have liked to do rather than the things that already happened. She was only 65 years old when she died. She had retired the last May, and died October 2nd. So, she basically died before the shock of not having to go to work every day even wore off.
So, anything I would have been able to teach her after she retired regarding what I’d learned in my makeshift culinary school (my ex-wife and all the other chefs who “raised me”) became a one way communication after that date. I still tell her all that stuff, she’s just challenged to reply. I talk to her when I’m cooking the most, because that’s our traditional time to talk.
I’d be doing my homework at the bar that looked into the kitchen while she was prepping the food. So, now I am both prepping the food and doing my homework (writing) in my head. It’s not the system for teaching my mother to cook that I would have preferred, but it works. She’s getting better every day. Turnabout is fair play. She has always and continues to remember to teach me to use English when I forget. It’s efficient. Just because she can’t talk back doesn’t mean she’s not here. She very much talks back. It’s just responses I’ve made up in my head based on my 40-ish years around her. I cannot remember how old I was, really.
I don’t remember anything about that year. From October to October was a complete blur. I leaned on Supergrover a lot back then, because I didn’t want to be seen in public in pain. So, I wrote about my pain instead. I internalized all of it, and yet I didn’t keep it inside my own echo chamber, either. I just grieved very, very quietly. Grief for my mother had to come in stages, because it took seeing her in her casket for me to believe that she was really dead.
I had just talked to her for two and a half hours two days ago, so it just didn’t seem possible logically (it absolutely was possible very logically, I was just a grieving child.). We also didn’t really have an on the ground relationship. We visited each other a few times a year except for the few times I lived in Houston as an adult, which was not a lot in comparison to how old I am now. I wouldn’t even take back my most current move to have more time with her if I could, because more time with her wasn’t necessarily better. We found our groove by not living in the same city. She liked talking on the phone and hearing about my life. I am not sure she liked coming to my house. I think my partners made her uncomfortable, and I am being very kind to both parties. It wasn’t dislike on either my parters’ or my mother’s part. It was fear of doing anything wrong, so let’s just not say anything at all.
To me, this is genuine, true homophobia. The fear of doing something wrong in front of a queer person, so you don’t do anything. You isolate them by not willing to just be scared and show up. Or ask questions so that your next interaction isn’t as awkward. Homophobia is not loud. That’s just people being angry bigots in the streets over nothing, and the people it “affects” the most are people who don’t know any queer people and have only been taught the party line. To be homophobic is to know you have fears and discomfort. To be homophobic without being a bigot means being willing to tell someone you’re uncomfortable and hopefully learn more until you’re not.
I don’t know how my mother would have felt about poly, but it doesn’t weigh on me because I didn’t live up to her fairy tale for me in the first place, and that VHS tape had been running in her brain since 1972, when she first started thinking about having a child and wanting a daughter. By the time I was born in 1977, I had a Beautiful Memory Picture I was tearing down before it even got built. It fucked up her program when I came out as gay, and I can’t apologize, but I can empathize.
This happens less and less frequently now, but I came out in 1990, and that’s just communication from me. It’s not like other people didn’t have eyes.
I don’t have hatred for homophobia. It took me quite a few years to accept the fact that I was gay, and I still have moments of internalized homophobia because that’s the world we live in and continue to make small progresses towards changing. I do have hatred for bigotry. Come at me with anger and I’ll tune you out.
Show me that you’re scared, and I’ll respond.
I will listen while I pour you a Diet Coke.
Who is your favorite historical figure?
I saw the prompt and it just begged for a joke. I have no idea whether I’ll be significant historically or not, but I hope to leave my mark on the world. There’s nothing funny about that. But the notion of rising to “historical figure” status is a bit much. I don’t even know that it’s always positive to be a historical figure, because some people are remembered more fondly than others.
The real answer, no jokes at all, are the people in my life who are historical figures and we just don’t think of them that way; they’re still alive.
Jonna Mendez helped us win the Cold War. Full Stop. She is Captain Carter with an American accent. Before you disagree with me, read all her books. That way, she has all your money before you get mad at me. 😉
I like her because she’s funny af. It doesn’t hurt that she’s an intelligence hero and former Chief of Disguise. She absolutely will have a lasting impact on history and I will not be alive to hear about her true legacy by the time everything is declassified…. well, I say I won’t be alive. My grandfather lived to 92. Miracles happen. But the odds that I will live long enough to hear just how much she did are unlikely.
The stories she’s already told are scary enough. I think it’s more fun reading about real people who work as spies than it is to read about James Bond and all the other fictional spies out there who have no real connection to either CIA or MI-6 except that the writers worked there. Personal memoirs are better than fiction, because the truth often is.
I admire Jimmy Carter. He was able to be president and to keep his Christian values intact by welcoming the stranger on an enormous stage. Helping the poor on an even larger one. Not sending people to do Habitat for Humanity for him, showing up and putting on a hard hat.
Linus Torvalds invented computers.
No, he didn’t, but Linux is my favorite operating system and that joke was tongue in cheek.
He’s still alive, and the Finnish phenom completes me. Sometimes, he’s hilarious. Sometimes, he’s an angry bear. It’s on brand. He’s a historical figure who just happens to have 90% of my own personality.
Vladimir Zelenskyy and I are the same age, and the same creative personality type who is also interested in news. He built an entire political party off his satire. He really is the breath of fresh air that Ukraine needs and I’m so glad we got to be alive at the same time. I wish that he’d had more peace from the moment he got elected, however I think that if Ukraine survives the invasion intact he’ll be a great leader for a very long time. He’s the antihero. He took on Putin in a public arena (TV) and now is currently in the process of showing him he’ll come after him for real, too. Zelenskyy didn’t start this fight, but he’ll end it.
Putin will tell you that Zelenskyy absolutely started this fight, because Zelenskyy embarrassed him on television. Go cry in the walk-in, you useless child. Because obviously the proper response to being embarrassed in the media is invading another country.
Trump has those same instincts, which is why he blackmailed Ukraine. Obviously, the proper response to “we need weapons to defend against Russian aggression” is “okay, but only if you shake down my political opponent first.” The entire GOP has blood on their hands for the fake sincerity they gave Zelenskyy after Trump left office, and their refusal to look at reality and convict that bastard. Again, if it’s not high crimes and misdemeanors, we’re going to have a hell of a time proving it in the future.
I hope that I’m adding my voice to the diaspora, raising the discourse on what we talk about when we talk about a new Trump presidency. People who love Trump love him in an unhealthy way where they do not see any downside to their love and devotion because he is the savior of all, amen. Meanwhile, we have a very sophisticated intelligence game afoot where Russia cozies up to Trump in The White House shamelessly because he actually is too dumb to notice when he’s being played.
I don’t like that Trump wants to emulate the dictators that he sees, and I do not believe he has respect for anything he doesn’t understand. For instance, he doesn’t have to learn how the legal system works. Everything can be done by executive order.
You don’t have to learn to admit mistakes, you have to learn how to pay porn stars to keep their mouths shut. Speaking of which, Stormy Daniels is hot as hell and I’m not even sure I’d recognize her in a picture. I’m talking about how engaging her personality is on social media and how much I’m clamoring to read anything she ever writes. I’m sure she’s going to be offered a book deal; I think it depends on her NDAs how long it will take her to complete it.
I admire Monica Lewinsky for the same reason I admire Stormy Daniels. Both of them were handed a shit sandwich by the press and came off as funny and likable. For Stormy, it didn’t take as long. But now Monica is genuinely popular on Twitter because she can laugh at herself after all these years. I am sure it takes an enormous amount of strength to be who they are, and are worthy of admiration because you have to keep telling your story, even when it gets complicated.
Washington is all about complicated.
The bravest thing you can do in this town is to tell your story without any bullshit attached. In Washington, people don’t know what to do with honesty. There’s no “crafting the narrative” when people directly call you out on the carpet.
But it’s by being so vulnerable all the time that people calling you out doesn’t feel like a threat, that there’s no narrative to craft. I also like that in Washington, I get to stand next to greatness daily, whether it’s the former Chief of Disguise at CIA or a Japanese maple that’s been in my neighborhood for a hundred years.
Greatness comes in all beings, not just people.
Write about your first crush.
My first crush was a 23 year old woman who lovebombed and discarded me for the next 20-odd years. I still think about her from time to time, and it’s never pleasant. I would rather not spend this morning diving into that wreck. I feel like I did all of that when it happened. If you’re interested, you can search for “When We Were Young” and “The Cost of Shame” to learn how the dirty and the divine intermingled. There were genuine moments, but it was always a game. I know, because I always felt the energy in the room when I had “competition.” I would try to adjust my behavior because I thought it was something I was doing wrong that made her want competition for me in the first place. I’d known her longer than any of the people in her current life, twice as long as her spouse. Doing the wrong thing was too easy, so when I started doing my own thing and she couldn’t control me, she resented the hell out of that, too.
I absolutely vomited up all my emotions about that relationship about 10 years ago, and I feel like I have gotten closure over it- including the ways she set Supergrover and me up for failure like a parting shot that would make her name endure forever. I failed Supergrover because she failed me. Full stop. Supergrover got caught in old crossfire, and now that I’ve separated her out, the memory of it is too painful to be vulnerable all the time for either of us. The thing that I have over her in offering her understanding of me is letting her read all the thoughts I have when I’m not with her. She wouldn’t be able to do that if I wasn’t a writer- a benefit of who I am, not who I am trying to be for her.
I don’t need her to lay out her feelings publicly. I need her to lay out her feelings to me. Because to me, it redeems a whole lot of bullshit in my life, that this thing I learned from an emotional abuser was something that could be overcome with time and space. That has proven to be true, but not in terms of her communication of it. She wants to continue writing to me, she wants to continue supporting me. And yet any time we try to continue writing to each other and supporting each other, we hit an old land mine from either one of our pasts and it blows our future to hell.
Then, eventually, we start over and the cycle begins anew. I have learned to accept that, because I’m a writer. There’s no way that she can’t be in touch with me while I’m writing about her. It’s just tricky because of the emotions that come up in me when she writes. When she’s only responding to my blog, it makes me feel like she just wants to be a fan that’s glorified. When she responds to what I say in private, she reinforces that we are not putting on a show, that this is a real friendship that I am writing about and not trying to paint her from memory.
When she isn’t the Supergrover from Wish.com. Jim Henson made her for me personally. It was a gift he didn’t knew he gave me.
In terms of boundaries, it is cute to me that now she’s just lovable furry old Grover struggling with the implications of “near” and “far.” On its most basic level, of course. Everything I’ve ever known on its most fundamental level has come from a Muppet.
In terms of Sesame Street, my news junkie nature makes me feel like Kermit, because he’s empathetic and yet also reports live on Sesame Street news. In terms of being a preacher’s kid, I think of myself as Scooter, the one behind the scenes helping things work. As a preacher’s kid, you take on all the jobs at the last minute that no one else wanted and the show must go on.
I cannot stress this enough, and I believe it. Worship is not about perfection. It’s that we showed up.
But there’s still that energy that runs before a performance in hoping that everything goes as well as it can. That people are still receiving the grace and thoughtful prayers we mean for them despite our human imperfections. When I do a pastoral prayer (the one before a preacher gives an actual homily/sermon), I speak to this. “Speak through me, or move me out of the way and speak your truth in spite of me.” In short, if I don’t make the connections that I need to make to get them closer to the divine, that doesn’t mean the divine won’t move them in ways I won’t see until people greet me after the service………………….
Which ranges in feedback (I swear it) from “your skirt was too short” to “my God, you were on fire. I was crying because you made a connection I didn’t.” What I do not say is that I see all of it in real time as I am talking (even if you try to hide in the transcepts, choir and peanut gallery…….), and need no external validation. It’s just so nice to hear it out loud. That I did indeed make the difference I thought I did. That they weren’t crying because the regular preacher wasn’t up there. 😉
My favorite thing is going to sing with the choir after I’ve finished preaching. As worship leader, I always stay up front until the sermon is over, and then move between the choir and the pulpit for singing and leading rather than being on the front row all by myself. Singing with the choir after I preach is how I know I did well, because I don’t need to hear anything out loud but the vibrations of their emotions when they’re singing. If everything is joyful, they’re telling me “thank you.”
And I can hear it through their smiles while they’re singing in a minor key. I don’t intentionally design the service this way. The entrance is supposed to be glorious, whether it comes with a brass quintet or not. The hymn in response to the sermon is supposed to be repeating what I said in musical form, because people will remember the take home point of my sermon if I present it to them as a tune next.
Then, the hymn at the end is when everyone goes wild, filling up with energy until we meet again. I like it best when it’s a jazz arrangement of “Joyful, Joyful” or “I’ll Fly Away.”
In both of those things, I learned to accept them from my first crush. One of the few genuine moments I’ll carry with me throughout my preaching life, because she taught me how to integrate music into worship when my mother decided raising a gay child was harder than she thought it was going to be.
It does not escape my attention that when she became a preacher’s wife, she really, really became the friend I needed if she’d actually acted like it. I needed a preacher’s wife type until I had my own partner- someone to direct me and be a sounding board. It’s why I think her partner is my archetype, the older version of me. I have no idea what we would have accomplished together, but I can for damn sure guarantee that it would have been fun.
But that would have been dependent on me staying blind, and not realizing that the relationship was making me smaller every day as I tiptoed around her land mines, actively trying not to piss her off.
It’s one reason I won’t tolerate it from Supergrover, but I will tolerate her as emotional support that acts like it. She knows how to do it because she’s done it so long. There just need to be changes so we don’t step all over each other’s pasts trying to find a road into the future.
But because my first crush gave me so much emotional bandwidth to be able to wait it out, it’s no skin off my nose just to relax and see if it happens. I already have everything I need, and there’s no need to feel unhappy overall when I’m only unhappy in one area of my life. I miss her, and I cannot miss her because missing her only feeds the problem of giving her what she does not want, which is to be written about.
The difference between my first crush and my last is that the last is worth it. The first was just doing prep in the back of the kitchen.
What countries do you want to visit?
I want to see every country in the world where my blog wouldn’t be seen as a threat… and I even want to visit those, just not as much as the ones who will accept me as is. For China, I’d have to bank up entries in advance so it didn’t look like I was gone, then not write anything until I got home. It would be the same in the Middle East, it’s just not a monolith like China. How much what you say gets you in trouble varies by country. Iran and Qatar are not the same.
I’d like to go back to France, because I’ve only seen Paris for a few days, no Marseilles or Lyon. I’d like to go back to the UK because I’ve spent eight days there in 46 years. I believe I could learn a bit more than that. Plus, I’ve only been to England and would like to see a football game in Wrexham, Wales plus have friends in Scotland to round out a whole UK experience.
Plus, I’ve only seen London- it would be nice to get to The Cotswolds, Bath, Manchester, Liverpool, and all the other marvelous places I’ve seen on Doctor Who. They might go to every time and every place, but England is home base, kind of like I never want to move from DC, but I’d like to go and experience other places/cultures.
It’s especially more possible now because I have a boyfriend. There are certain countries I’d like to visit where not having a male chaperone is inadvised. For instance, I’d love to explore Iran and Syria. That culture is simply not available to me as a single woman traveling alone. The homophobic part of it is that I have to say “boyfriend” for this to be true. Two women traveling together are just as equally invisible. I recognize my privilege and am calling it out. I am also not giving Zac more credit for anything he does as a boyfriend that’s better than anything my girlfriends have ever done for me. His value in this case is in that government’s eyes, not mine. I feel it is an acceptable use of heterosexual privilege, to be able to navigate countries in which you wouldn’t as queer. Plus, Zac is as queer as I am. They don’t have to know that. It’s for his safety as well.
Heterosexual privilege protects us both, it’s just not fake because we’re pansexual. We’re not putting on a show to be something we’re not because we are genuinely a couple. It just sucks that we get something our friends in homosexual relationships don’t. Using it inside the US is absolutely abhorrent. Walking through Iran unnoticed? Sensible vacation planning.
I don’t know if Zac wants to go back to the Middle East or whether he’s had all the fun he can take. But what I do know is that I wouldn’t feel comfortable going without him. There’s another layer at work, and it’s not just having heterosexual privilege. It’s that Zac has actually spent time in MENA before, and I’m a complete newbie. I don’t think he’d count himself as having lived in the Middle East, because he’s in the Navy. He’s mostly been on the ships. But enough experience to know “ok, we’re fine” and “okay, we’re fucked” based on facial expressions.
I’ve said for a number of years that I’d like Arabic language skills, but I haven’t gotten on Duolingo yet. Going to the Middle East is intimidating when you want to know as much as I do. When you want to be able to grok it on multiple levels. For me, it’s walking the Bible. It’s intelligence since 9/11. It’s seeing what my friends in the military saw when they lived there. It’s eating their food when they were outside the wire.
Because so many of my friends have been military/intelligence or a combination thereof, going to the Middle East is not just learning about me. It is also learning about them. Picking up context clues I wouldn’t have gotten otherwise.
Walking the Bible, yes, but adding these additional books.
How do you want to retire?
If you are a writer, your luxury items involve being able to write. There is nothing more to life than a pen and paper, or however it is you communicate these days. More and more people are using their phones as mobile desktops- an additional way to write, more important than what it was designed to do…. make calls on it.
Did you know that you can use an iPhone to call your doctor? Weird. 😉
I will write until I die, so there’s no “retirement.” There are just better and better choices about where to write as you get older (hopefully). Right now, my two favorite places to write are in bed right when I wake up, and then later I go downstairs and use my desktop. It just depends on how much desktop real estate I need. I prefer my TV monitor when I have four windows open at a time.
If I am writing all by myself, I prefer to sit with my iPad or Android. If I am chatting to Carol while I am writing, I like the desktop real estate being large enough to read and write at the same time. It’s nice being able to look at your work and talk to your research assistant at the same time.
In my office, the sunrise is spectacular. It just depends on what kind of energy I’m feeling when I wake up. Today, I haven’t gotten out of bed because I feel a little bit under the weather. I am positive I caught something traveling to and from Zac’s, because I isolate myself so much that it doesn’t make sense as to where I’d have picked up germs. To be clear, I am not blaming Zac and his housemate for me being sick, I am blaming public transportation, which is valid.
It’s just little kid sorts of sniffles currently. If I take antihistamines, decongestants, and a hot shower and I’m still feeling punk, I’ll go to the doctor. But not right away. The only reason I wait is that doctors can do nothing for a cold virus. However, they can treat the infection that comes from the virus. So, I just take cold medicine unless things take a turn for the green and the yellow. I also have a deep and loving relationship with Mucinex. It’s what I’ve been told to use as a singer since I was a kid. It doesn’t heal or cure anything. It thins your secretions enough to be able to get them out. And in fact, Dr. Stasney had two rules for singers:
1. Mucinex (then referred to in popular culture by its original prescription brand name, Humibid)
2. Drink water til you pee pale
Drink lots of water to help this process occur naturally, but Mucinex is worth its weight in gold when water alone can’t keep up.
I have just taken all of the medication I can take, so I am now allowed to complain. It’s the rule in my family, because you aren’t allowed to complain about something until you’ve done something about it.
This is a conversation often had in my family:
Me: My head hurts.
Them: What have you taken for it?
Me: Nothing.
At this point, there are one of two viable options. The first is, “has it kicked in yet?” The second is “well, you can’t get tachyphylaxis from nothin’.” If you don’t know medicine, it’s a smart ass remark because tachyphylaxis is the idea that a medication’s efficacy declines over time as your body chemistry gets used to it.
Either way, the best answer is not “nothing.”
The point well taken is that if I tell you I have a headache, I am unlikely to still be complaining about it an hour later if I have done something about it. Complaining is valid. There’s just a limited window in which it is tolerated, and that is the time it takes for you to need a drug and for it to kick in.
As a result, all four of us know how to take care of ourselves if it’s something really simple like a cold. The best part about living with a doctor is seeing what really needs one and what doesn’t. For instance, knowing to the core of my being that you can’t go to the doctor for a cold because there’s nothing for them to call in.
Now, if the crap in my throat develops into strep or whatever, that’s a different matter. A doctor can do something about that. With a virus, you just have to ride it out, and it’s hard to keep in mind when your symptoms are so rabid. Viruses do all sorts of fun stuff that doctors can’t stop. They can only treat. Anything you need to treat a virus is what those over the counter drugs are for. There’s very few instances I can think of where you would need a heavier hitter than ibuprofen and/or Imodium AD, and certainly Sudafed.
What has tripped me up in the past is not knowing when to go to Urgent Care for an injury in the kitchen, because I’m so tough. I can handle this (my thumb is hanging off- an exaggeration by a large margin, but not an exaggeration as to how much it would take to drag me out of the restaurant. I’ll cauterize on the grill.).
I just texted Rachel the story I wrote about her and Pati Jinich. We haven’t been talking at all, I just thought she’d like to read it. Plus, she’s a chef in my neighborhood. We’ll run into each other again. But there’s always that fear when you step out on a ledge and let someone into your world. Mine is large. Most of it taken up by food.
Speaking of which, I need to go get some. I’m feeling a brunch vibe coming on.
What’s the oldest thing you own that you still use daily?
My oldest coffee mug says “SPY” and it features the Culpeper Ring, the men that won us the Revolutionary War because we didn’t win the war by outgunning the Empire. We won because we had better spies/scouts than they did. It’s a toss-up to me in terms of history what would have happened if we’d lost. In some ways, I think we’d be happier. In some ways, I think we’d be furious. If they hadn’t taxed our tea, we would still be importing PG Tips like it was more important than the water bill. They turned an entire population against something that would have bridged our cultures. So, go them. We drink coffee like the French.
So, if you’re wondering about a business that could have sustained you for centuries like Disney bailed out Doctor Who, you done goofed. You come to the US and complain about our tea, the height of entitlement over a problem you created. The British influence was so strong in the south during the Revolutionary War that it’s how iced tea became the house wine of the south. So, thank you for that. I think. It’s actually really interesting because to me the South is the strangest transformation in history. Savannah, Charleston, and Baltimore were just as English as New England and New York. I wonder what caused those two cities to diverge in the woods, and it only takes one answer. England abolishing slavery. There were about 50-60 years between when England freed their slaves and we freed ours, because the Southern economy would have gone to shit without it.
I have heard differing stories because African American culture is not a monolith. Some people of color blame the English and the Americans for slavery. Some blame the African kings who wanted to get rich and sold their ancestors to white people. It depends on who you ask, and a wide spectrum of brilliantly defended propositions. There is no way I can walk a mile in a black person’s shoes, but as I queer person I can empathize and relate. The institutional pain between black and queer people is similar, yet not on the same playing field. We’ve always both had problems with the police, except that now that history is in the past but we’re all still touched by it. There haven’t been enough generations where queer kids come out in peace.
I do not know if black people had a special shape in the Holocaust, but I do know I did- a pink triangle. There is no such thing as competitive suffering, so even though it’s not the same, I feel some of the same scars on my skin. I have only recently become a citizen who can get married like everyone else, and I am still persecuted by Christians who aren’t right, but they’re certain.
The older I get, the less certain I am about anything. Discovering at an early age how gender and sexual orientation affect me led me to end up believing that everything is a spectrum and not a binary. There are too many permutations of human behavior not to believe there’s a wider range than we are originally led to believe…. whether people tell others about it is another matter.
If you don’t tell anyone anything, you don’t realize how lonely you are, because you’re not giving anyone a chance to feed you. Part of being fed by your emotional support is feeling heard. That no feeling is invalid. You talk about the logic behind the feelings, but you don’t discredit the feelings themselves. You discuss why the other is helping you to feel one way or the other, being willing to compromise until we meet in the middle.
It takes an enormous amount of strength to talk through a conflict, and I know that I got frustrated with Supergrover early because I was so tired of everything that had happened before. Her being half in didn’t make sense to me, and created more turmoil in me than I wanted. Like, why do I continue to pour energy into this relationship when it’s clear it’s not wanted? I have learned that it is wanted through context clues.
We don’t have to work on the fact that we’re connected for life and cannot suddenly stop knowing each other, and I don’t want a relationship where she’s half in and can’t plan for shit.
When I mentioned getting together, she said, “I don’t think it’s a good time.” That’s fine with me. I’m not thinking about the up close and personal future. I’m autistic, so I have different ways of feeling out getting together with people. It takes a very long time for me to process that information so I don’t chicken out at the last minute. Perhaps she did feel like I was nickeling and dimming her for her time, but I hope she’s known me long enough to know that I didn’t mean anything sudden. She won’t retire for a while, and any plans I have that have to do with her giving of her time is at a time in her life when she’s had more bandwidth than she’s had in years. Getting her time right now is impossible, but it’s not impossible to work towards later.
That’s the goal that keeps me going- preparing for later. I don’t presume this is the end because the end never is. We repel and attract like magnets, because I’m a silver penned devil. 😉 My friend John gave me that nickname and now I want it in 18pt font up my arm, bigger if it fits. 😛
But what I mean in terms of friendship is that by working out our problems on my own here, they are often touched by what I say. I am attracting energy to me, rather than seeking attention.
I do hope that Supergrover finds something she does want to discuss with me, because it’s the highlight of my day. She’s not the problem. We are. There’s a big difference because we are both perfect, and I mean that sincerely. We are beautiful in all our flaws. Bad communication is its own thing, not whether either one of us are good people. We’ve been friends long enough to know beyond a shadow of any doubt that she’s good people.
My biggest fear is that she only wants to be a fan, and doesn’t want to be my friend. That’s why the pattern doesn’t change. It breaks my heart, because her criticism is more important and more impacting of the direction of this blog than anything else.
But if she’s just a fan taking pot shots from the peanut gallery, I can’t take it. She’s my friend, one of the great loves of my life because I fell into her charm and I’ll never get out. She deserves every bit of that love, but we don’t communicate well enough to be able to tell each other that. We did, and she decided that being vulnerable once was enough to her, and her next interaction seemed rule based and yet not. I do not know where to go, and so I’m resting in Zac because I can. She only means more to me due to the number of years I’ve known each, not because one is closer to me than the other. I was happier taking a break from thinking about the problem, because I hit a land mine almost immediately and she told me to go to hell.
It’s on brand, so I want to figure out how we are both contributing to that problem or not interact. I am overcoming a lot of feelings all by myself that I don’t know how to navigate, because I don’t know how to talk to Supergrover and as a result, I don’t know how to talk to me about her, either. It’s confusing because we are both entitled to our feelings and privacy. I also think our relationship would look a lot different if it wasn’t moving at the speed of the Internet- that it would take longer for us to be angry if you got a letter two or three days after you sent it, not immediately. There’s no time to calm down and absorb anymore, and you seemingly can’t reframe anything because someone else knows what you mean better than you do.
It’s hard letting them go because they’re right about you. It’s just that their perceptions are their experience of you, not who you are.as a human being. What someone interpreted you as saying may or may not be correct.
Because my second oldest coffee mug is one she bought for me.
The only books that matter are either by Jonna and Tony Mendez or they were presents from her. She can pick my books at any time, because our interests overlap occasionally and we’re both suckers for amazing prose. I am so glad that she has sent me books by Kindle, because they’re presents I’ll never misplace; she’ll always be with me in one way or another. I feel like that’s enough, because it takes two to tango. I do not want to cut a rug all by myself. I do not think I was impulsive to say that I was struggling with the odds on “happily ever after,” because there was no new information to take in. I have to just keep saying it over and over- I do not judge any friend as not worthy to hear my story anymore because they are not worthy as a friend. They become unworthy to hear my story when it’s not an exchange of information. It’s just me pouring energy into you without feeling it in return. I’ve been in that relationship with lots of women, and I’m done. That’s why I thought I’d found the one for all time. It’s really, really hard to break up with someone you’ve never dated. My joke about this is that her husband may not be at her next wedding, but I will. The reason it’s a joke is that I love Michael almost more than her because he’s the one on the ground taking care of her. I don’t have to worry as much as I would if she didn’t have that kind of support. I’m the kind of friend to call if you need support in absence of a partner because I’ve been doing pastoral care a very long time. I am not going to be offended at what you tell me, who you need me to call, what you’ve taken, etc. This is because I’ve been single for a very long time, and you need your friends to step in for you that way. But that doesn’t mean that I want to be the conductor. I just want to be in the orchestra somewhere. Maybe one of these days she’ll let me play lead. I just don’t think she thinks I have the temperament for it because I am so shy and retiring in writing.
“Custody over Supergrover” is my favorite thing in life. The hardest part of having a pet monster is dropping her leash. The other hardest part is not joking that each of us are the oldest thing we own. We’re both in that nebulous age where a group of people is a “no, thanks.” I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I actually get more time with her when we’re just e-mailing than I would on the ground, because her diary/schedule is so full that I’d wait months for anything on the ground, possibly years. Just e-mailing each other allows us to be together no matter where the other is.
I have also said that the silver lining of the pandemic is that now everyone has friends they’ve known for a long time without meeting in person, so there’s no need to explain so much. Emotions run higher because you’re more brave with the wall of anonymity. You don’t say things with as much social nicety as you would in person and there’s no way for anyone to hear your tone or read your eyes for context clues. And still, emotions persist.
The way I feel about my relationship with Supergrover over 11 years is that it is very much akin to having dated and decided we didn’t work as partners, but we worked as friends. The only kink in that logic was that Supergrover is straight and in a relationship, so she wasn’t dealing with the same issues as me. I could stop wanting her, but I couldn’t stop being programmed to protect her and give her everything she wanted that was within my power. I say it just that way because we’re the same person. When we have power, we use it responsibly because we really don’t want it. She’s the type boss I respect, that she doesn’t give her team anything she wouldn’t do herself, and I believe that she’s an excellent trainer without even really having to think about it. Instructional design is a theme in both our lives. Nothing in our lives is transactional, either. When I say that there’s a lot in here about what she won’t do for me and not a lot about what she will, I am not saying that from a narcissistic perspective. I am letting you lay out your bandwidth, I lay out mine, and we meet in the middle after conversations.
At the very least, this should have been a deescalation and not the end, but ultimately that’s not my call, either. One of my readers talked about Supergrover ghosting me or being half out. I want to talk about that here, because she didn’t ghost me or say she was half in at all. She explained her reasoning perfectly, and she would have been spot on in her analysis if she’d gotten my actual intent and not what she thought I meant. She reads through my words and picks out the worst possible interpretation she possibly can. It weighs on me, because I’m not villainizing her. I’m painting her.
I was reminded that I wrote on the blog that she lives in my ink. I was reminded of that line when I was looking around Fahrney’s, an American pen/pencil shop. The back of the store was covered in bottles of ink in every color you can imagine. It’s why she pulls me in and repels me. All the things that we’ve written to each other come up in my mind when I’m doing other things. As I understand what she’s said more, I try to guess what she’s saying more. Then that goes wrong and I’m alone again.
But not truly alone, because since she lives in my ink, it is a communion only we share. I feel her presence in the room when I’m writing, so my writing leans toward her whether she’s the intended topic or not. I would like to make friends where we could also be that close, but there’s no way to duplicate this connection and I’ve stopped trying.
She doesn’t feel creepy to me. The fact that I want to know her like every friend would know her seems creepy, because I’m not pumping her for information. I am genuinely curious because she’s unique. I don’t know what she means about her not being vulnerable means deliberately hurting my feelings does not work for her. So far, not being vulnerable has always led to hurting my feelings because she’d rather put me off than face her demons and just tell me what’s up. She says she can’t say anything without immediately being tagged as avoidant. If your whole pattern is avoidance and has been since you were a child, you cannot see how avoidance hurts other people. They also don’t change when they’re not aware of something. I feel like calling her on avoidant behavior when it happens is better than keeping it all in, because it will come up less and less frequently over time. Her patterns will change to being used to being vulnerable all the time instead of going in guns blazing.
As I told her before, it’s not that she went guns blazing on me. It’s that she has CPTSD so the guns are always already out. Taking down her walls means getting vulnerable about how she feels in reaction to what I said. She said “writing to each other, supporting each other.” I get that. I really do. But I don’t feel supported when it feels like my feelings are going into a void. Like, I’ll write an essay about X topic, and no matter what topic it is between us, that’s not a topic she’ll discuss. It’s frustrating to an enormous degree, because if I bring that up, she immediately goes to “I’m not good enough for you.” It’s not a healthy environment in which to bring up problems, and relationships always have them.
Many things about friendship aren’t the good ones, and you have to go through the bad ones to get the good. I don’t want to focus on negativity. I want to focus on where we go from here. Most notably, what have I done right? I’m not fishing for compliments. I have heard all the complaints.
I think she also just. cannot.
That this friendship was doomed long ago because there are certain topics we need to resolve that she’ll never talk about, and there are multiple issues that fall under that category. I am a lot of things she is not. She is a lot of things I am not. Bridging the gap is enormous.
A river runs through it.
Stories That Are All True 