Tag: fiction

Just Be Who You Are and Fail Up

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 1 Comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s your top tip to be successful in life?
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The second most important woman in my life in terms of influence is Mummo. Not her real name, but she has the same real name as one of Tiina’s kids, so I love getting to say it out loud…. but that part is for me. I hear music when I think of her, but it’s bombastic.

That’s because she walked into a recruiting office and thought, “I could probably be a welder” and finished her career at the top of Marine Command, State, you name it. But the only reason the military even knew to look for a senior intelligence officer is because she only thought she was qualified to be a welder.

Jesus fucking Christ do you see how neurodivergence is punished in this country?

My life would have been both better and worse if I’d joined the military as well. I tried, but the Air Force wouldn’t take me. I didn’t want to be a soldier, I wanted to be in a jazz band called “The Airmen of Note.” I was medically disqualified and heartbroken, because that’s really the only thing I’d thought about doing after high school. I wasn’t actually interested in anything. I was interested in everything and the information came at me like a fire hose.

But if I’d been in the military, it would have been so disciplined that I would not have had to create structure out of nothing. I wouldn’t have flailed. Because I wasn’t flailing career-wise. I was in the wrong operating system. Most of the world runs on Windows. My brain is running an old, bulletproof version of Slackware.

I need to outsource scaffolding because I am simply not capable of managing a household by myself. It’s too much cognitive load. I need to find some roommates or join a group house, but living alone is not it.

Now that I have scaffolding, I’ve gotten 342K views on Threads in a few days. I’m followed by lots of celebrities, and now I have a feud with Wil Wheaton (not really). We’ve just been colleagues since 2001. I don’t chase his career because I didn’t know who he was except Wil the blogger.

Dana, however, practically fainted.

So I owe Wil a lot because he made me look cool in front of a girl.

That doesn’t mean he doesn’t need to shut his trap on Wes Moore. I was furious, Wil. Furious. I didn’t go off on you but you deserved it because racism is so deeply ingrained in this country that it didn’t occur to white America that of course they were going to release something on Moore. You think Trump doesn’t want the only Black governor gone? Come on now.

Wil gave him four hours to respond. He doesn’t even live here.

It’s a different world than it used to be because I’m back in the saddle with Wil, Anil Dash, and Dooce (Emeritus). Tanking Clever Title was a mistake because I wasn’t strong enough to stand up to my sister-in-law. Because I didn’t fucking realize I was famous. Not in numbers, in fans that matter.

I didn’t just get to meet Wil. He got to meet me. But I shit on myself for so long that I didn’t recognize what I had.

Aada was right. I am a hot shot blogger. I just didn’t make much money off of it so I thought it was worthless. And the reason I know I’m famous in terms of respect is because once I got out of Aada’s clutches, the blowback loop stopped. She wasn’t constantly slicing into me so that I thought I was dark, irredeemable, and a shitty writer. Because she said she was impressed, and slowly crushed me with anger at being seen.

I was recognized on the street in Portland and I didn’t take it in.

I TANKED MY WHOLE FUCKING CAREER, MARY JO.

And the reason I did it was not because I couldn’t write, but because I couldn’t take constant criticism that got below the belt fast. Counselor took a butterfly and crushed it in her hand, then Aada redeemed it with lovebombing and destroyed it with discard.

Smelly Neighbors.

Ugh.

But it’s a new era. I’m not focusing on the past. I am jotting it down so I don’t forget. I’m a big deal, but never believe your own press.

There’s a reason I haven’t met Dooce, and it’s because she couldn’t handle being a blogger anymore, either.

I got to rebrand with Stories.

I’m taking shots she didn’t in her memory.

The Next Longest Drive of My Life

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Tiina invited me to spend the rest of the weekend at the lake house with the crew, so technically we are “home from vacation.” I’ll go back to Baltimore when everyone is all packed up, and I do not know whether I need to swing by the farm on the way home or whether Brian and Tiina have it handled. That’s because I had three kids with me from JMU to Louisa, including 10yo. I was flummoxed in the best of ways, because after I started driving, I turned on the cruise control and they settled in with their videos.

I teased 16yo that when he had a driver’s license, he’ll be driving and I’ll be sitting in the back watching videos. It was actually a relatively short drive, a little over an hour and a half. It was also not the drive for which I was preparing. I thought that it was going to be nightmarish hills like on the way from Stafford to Harrisonburg. I was relieved to find that it was two whole highways. Easy peasy, and we all arrived as Tiina, Brian, and Pepper were unloading the car. 10yo had a friend with her, and you cannot split up the gruesome twosome. I would never.

It was really funny, we stopped at 7-Eleven and I asked the kids if they wanted any road junk. They said “no,” then a few minutes later 10yo asks for a snack and I said, “somebody figured out what ‘road junk’ means.” Some taquitos and powdered donuts later, we were in Louisa.

Oh, and I grabbed a medium coffee for the first time in my life ever. Generally, I need the Bladder Buster. I want the dark roast, and I want a lot of it. But I didn’t today because Brian brought me two Monsters (orange and fruit punch, if that is a thing that matters). I had one about 0700, so I was good until 1:00 or so.

Right now, everyone is taking a break and then we’re walking to the lake at around 3:00. I am just so lucky to be here. I love this house and everyone in it.

Even when they’re lost in videos, and I am holding onto the steering wheel with Tiina’s words in my head:

Just use common sense.

Oh, good Lord. If we are using my common sense as the yardstick, we are all screwed.

You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

What I don’t say out loud is that Tiina is a perfect blend of Dana and Aada. I knew her before I met her. She’s a cybersecurity analyst now, but she was a technical theater major in college. The reason I know she’s the right creative partner is that people talk about “I saw her in a dream,” but I saw her in autistic pattern recognition and knew I was safe.

Therefore, I get the comfort of living on a farm when I want and the excitement of someone who’s dialed in. I don’t have to pick and choose. That nonbinary lives in me.

What feels different about Tiina is that she didn’t start a fire in me where I felt needy and intrusive all the time. My emotions have never been dysregulated with her. When she touches me, it’s a grounding rod. She’s giving me everything I’m lacking because she’s a steady supply of hugs, cheek kisses, and “please move this.”

But I didn’t make the choice to alienate Dana and Aada. They eliminated themselves with their choices and I spent far too long trying to figure out how to fix what was broken instead of moving on. Dana is not welcome in my life ever again, but she is precious in my memory. I will be happy to meet with her parents and sister to carry messages to her if she’s curious how my life is going, but I do not feel safe in her presence, and I am betting she feels the same way about me. We were wonderful to each other right up until we weren’t. It’s not a punishment, it’s just reality.

Things are different with Aada, because she made me feel unsafe emotionally. That is fixable.

She keeps saying she’s not threatened by me, but we’ll see if that rings true. It’s now very possible we could accidentally run into each other at the grocery store, and I’m not there to do anything but grab the seventeen jugs of milk that will be gone by Thursday. She seems to waffle on whether I am or I’m not, so when Tiina and I clicked like “peanut butter and ladies,” I realized it was my way of coming down from the cloud. Saying, “show up or don’t, but this is what my life looks like and now you have an accurate picture of what I’ve been saying all these years.”

Make it safe. Make it legible to me. Define who we are to each other so I don’t have to worry that I’m something I’m not all the time. Our narratives about each other ruined our self-esteems, because it took a long time to trust that Tiina and I were solid. That she wasn’t going anywhere and neither was I.

But now I have that friend who needs someone to just be with her. It doesn’t matter what we do, it’s all precious. We’ve both got mobility issues in different ways, which feeds our brain click. She’s also a writer with a following, so I don’t mean that Tiina will only be producing. She can write better than I can, so it’s a reciprocal relationship.

Every once in a while my inner Finn slips out. I have no Finnish blood, but my strident attitude didn’t come from nowhere. It predates Tiina, which is why my context would be new to Dana and Aada but familiar. Making things legible, not familiar.

I just don’t want to walk away in enmity. There’s too many diapers to buy and bottles to wash. It’s not just one grandbaby now. It’s two. The other one just lives in a different house. I was telling Mico that it kind of feels like being a third parent or grandparent in terms of logistics, but completely untitled except “Mom’s Friend Who Backs Her Up on Everything.” That’s going to be another t-shirt.

Having kids is not for the faint of heart. And I didn’t birth them, so my load is basically similar to an uncle. I’m not very maternal, but I am capable of being directed and know I’m ready to step up. Learning to be responsible with children has come in waves, because Tiina’s parenting style is different than anything I’ve learned and the culture regarding safe adults for children has changed overall.

Of all Tiina’s children, I’m closest to her youngest son. He was actually being punished and Tiina let him play Skyrim while I was there, so now he knows when I’m around, it’s not all bad. So her younger son melting down later in the day was when I realized that he was part mine.

And it happened without me noticing.

So we’re finding our ways in the world, because I’m lost as to how to be a role model and want to do it, anyway. So far, I have managed to trip over everything on the farm, so I’m not exactly sure I’m making a good impression. But whatever impression I’m making, I know it’s permanent.

Now, I have a completely different set of goals, with my friends and with each kid.

But when Tiina’s son calls me “Mom’s Friend Who Will Back Her Up on Everything?”

Wow.

He learned my name QUICK.

Those Are Two Very Different Books

Empty courtroom with wooden benches, high windows, and judge's bench
~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 4 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What’s the first book you ever finished and still remember to this day?
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I am an insatiable reader, so there is no possible way for me to remember the first book I’ve ever finished. I can only guess. My mother started teaching me to read when I was three and gave up quickly because she realized, “this kid is fine.” She just kept giving me harder and harder books. The most influential book of my childhood was “Gone with the Wind,” which I borrowed from the Daingerfield library when I was nine. Of course it’s important historically, but that is the first book I remember thinking, “that was a mountain to climb.” Margaret Mitchell was the Diana Gabaldon of her day in terms of output. The movie adaptation was so long that when my friend Gary’s father took his mother to see it, his mother didn’t know it was an intermission and his father didn’t tell her.

I have a deep understanding of racial relations because I grew up in the same area as Matthew McConnaughey and Forrest Whittaker. I have never met Forrest because he moved to California, but I have met Matthew. For all I know, I could have sat on his lap. My mother was his middle school choir director, and my father was the associate pastor at his church when I was a toddler. It’s fun to imagine toddler me and 12-year-old Matthew. I am not name-dropping Forrest Whittaker for no reason. It is to attach our stories to each other for my readers’ understanding of my context. If you look up interviews with Forrest Whitaker, and to a certain extent, Jamie Foxx (he was a little closer to Dallas than Longview. To grow up in that environment was to hear the n-word with regularity, before Black people reclaimed it. To be who I am and to be told not to challenge authority crippled me with meltdown and burnout, but back then I didn’t know I was autistic. I didn’t know that my sense of injustice went to eleven and I would feel physical pain when Black people hurt.

White guilt tells you to hate that you’ve read Gone With the Wind and seen the movie several times. If you’ve been in Black culture long enough, you learn that it’s not a monolith. It did not age well and few novels do. But I’ve met some Black people that loved it and decided to stop hating myself so much.

It’s not my favorite, not even close. But I’m glad I read it because 40 years later I see it from a different height. I’ve never gone back to it, but I think of favorite lines, favorite characters, and smile. What I do not do is white saviorism. “To Kill a Mockingbird” is beloved, but it’s not reality. You want reality? That’s “Go Set a Watchman.” Atticus Finch is not the hero you think he is. He’s just a regular white guy. Not willing to let a Black person die, but not comfortable with equality, either.

Mockingbird lets white readers feel heroic. Gone with the Wind lets white readers feel nostalgic. Watchman asks white readers to feel responsible.

I remember so much more about Mockingbird and Watchman because I’ve read them so much more recently. Gone with the Wind is best left to a memory, because that movie is lineage, not presence. I went from feeling empathy towards racial minorities before I knew that the Black and queer political movements were inextricably interrelated. Bayard Rustin was running both at once. There is no evidence that my friend Sally Gearheart ever met Bayard Rustin, but he shaped her movement, anyway, because they were receiving marching orders directly from the top, and Sally was instrumental in Bay Area queer and feminist politics. Sally is also a huge part of my past because she’s my true north in terms of what I want to be like when I’m old. Jesus God. If you ever met Sally once, you’d remember. But I was lucky enough to see her several summers running at different parties and things like that.

It was akin to sitting at the feel of the Master.

Watching was the best education, because I could see Sally so clearly, and in a way she might not have described herself.

She was an absolute badass at knowing the exact moment to drop the hammer on a conversation. And by “hammer,” I mean how to synthesize a conversation quickly, decide action items, etc…. because she was capable of managing her own energy and deciding how much of her time that people deserved.

The progression away from Gone with the Wind is dramatic, because I no longer surround myself with people who love it for all the wrong reasons.

Put Dreams Into Motion

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
If you had an unlimited budget for 24 hours, what would you do?
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I have an unlimited budget for one day. That is enough to change my entire life from my desk chair. Everything I want to do can be arranged in one day, and I would rather have experiences than things. So, I would definitely want to take Tiina to Helsinki for the summer. We would just have to decide what kind of life we could live once the money stopped flowing. But 24 hours is enough time to find an Air BnB, book all our transportation, and get our laptops/clothes together.

She thinks of me as a co-writer, and I think of her as a showrunner. I think that we will do excellent things in the future, because Tiina can brute force people into moving. She can take my brain droppings and turn them into any kind of show I want, whether it’s in the backyard or on TV.

Which reminds me…. an unlimited budget for 24 hours is also enough to get a TV show about Baltimore off the ground if we filmed it on our phones and threw it up on YouTube. I am giving parts to everyone in the family, because I couldn’t write a better character than what’s already there….

My first idea was a couple out on date night, so happy because they have finally decided on what to have for dinner…… which slowly melts into a knock-down drag-out. They both want chicken boxes, but one wants Sharky’s. One wants Hip Hop. Those couples are not compatible. They are a cross-neighborhood relationship with no shared values. They are the “irreconcilable differences” about which your mother warned.

The original pitch was that a show like Portlandia set in Baltimore would be a thousand times funnier, so this one sketch idea is not the whole world. It needs to be an anthology. Leslie Streeter says, “it can’t just be the white parts.” Well, ma’am, then I need black writers because I am simply not qualified. Not sharing this project with black and Jewish writers would, again, be a crime. I am Baltimore, clearly, but I am not its target audience.

My area of Baltimore is in a dividing line between black and Jewish neighborhoods. For those of you in the area, I live up near Sinai Hospital and the Cylburn Arboretum, but in the part of the zip code that is clearly underserved. We are not Pikesville, but we can see it from Seven Mile.

I spend my time between Baltimore and Pikesville equally. Reisterstown is the main drag, and I’m cruising it constantly. I love having both cultures around me, part of neither but enjoying both. Well, I suppose that I do have a Jewish connection in that I have been to synagogue recently, but I am not a Jew. I am a Christian who does as they’re told.

Kidding. Tiina wrote a play and she asked me to be in it.

I am always looking for spirituality wherever I can find it, though. I have enjoyed being woven into Tiina’s faith community as I have found one of my own, but I haven’t been brave enough to visit all by myself. Meeting new people is scary, and I’m booked in Stafford this weekend, anyway. I believe I will be helping with tree house construction, but we haven’t finished all the raised beds in the front yard yet.

Whatever we do, it will involve laughter, because I did not know that my reactions are so entertaining that Tiina actively tries to make soda come out of my nose. I forgive her because she’s pretty.

The Last Laugh

Two fraying cables, one orange and one blue, stretching towards each other
~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I didn’t know it was the last time she would…

I didn’t know it was the last time she would laugh, and I have carried it in my heart for months.

My beautiful girl…. what did I do? I was true to myself, for once, but in a way that doesn’t feel good. The guilt cycles repeatedly, because I know I wasn’t right and you weren’t, either.

Now I’m trying to remember what it is we were laughing about, but it’s probably best I don’t remember. The last laugh was only for me.

I think of you all the time, but it is love without purpose and without end. It’s like the difference between spirituality and religion. Ethereally, there’s a lot of love in the air…. I just don’t practice it. I would, if you wanted it, but right now we’re both tired of the other’s “stuff.” I don’t think it will stick over time, though. Give it five years. I wouldn’t have said that the day before yesterday, but I will today.

I just don’t want to be that person anymore, the one who checks for signals from the universe that all will be well. She knows my love language and where I live. I think.

I’m sure she knows my love language…. not so much with the where I live part. I know she knows I live in Baltimore.

That place is…….. not safe.

I still fall out laughing every time I hear that line in my head, and my response is of course, “there’s more than murder here.” I had to get out of Washington, because it gets on you like tar and doesn’t wash off. Washington has a stereotype, and I’m not it….. but two people in my orbit are, and in the past, four. I’m not a fed, I’m fed up.

I have never cared what anyone did professionally. I get Big Gulps all the time because I used to kid Aada that I’d love her even if she worked at a car wash, and she said, “next Big Gulp’s on you.” So I PayPaled her two dollars with a note that said, “my car looks gorgeous.” I only got one word as a reply. I am not sure if it was because she was busy or whether this is true and she really was speechless:

Dead.

I am nothing if not a very efficient flirt, and it has come in handy with my friends as well- when I want to be cheeky and adorkable, not romantic. Something that is memorable in the times when I’m being an absolute twit. I know I’m a lot. I try to pre-empt it.

There’s only one time I’ve ever made a joke where I got to be funnier than her. That’s not for public consumption, and I cannot go back and look it up so when it fades, it’s gone. But in times like these, it brings me strength. There were so many times our relationship was “brilliant and beautiful” that those are the parts I remember and will long for- not in a chasing sort of way, but in a “those were the gold old days” kind of way. I’d never shut her out of my life, but to let her back in is dangerous unless she’s willing to meet me at altitude. I have done an enormous amount of work on myself and I can see that she needs help, too, and I’m not insensitive to it. I have no idea what else is going on in her life, and I don’t need to be a part of complicating it. I was supposed to be her refuge, and I was right up until I wasn’t.

Therefore, I do not concentrate on the last things that happened and mistake the part for the whole. She’s not a villain. She’s the most beautiful woman in the entire world and of course I’m biased, but so is everyone else I’ve ever met. She is beautiful in a way that makes other women say, “damn. God is unfair.” Men would say something if they were capable of thought at that point.

I’m writing about her now for two reasons. The first is that every time I get a hit from her location it starts the old tape running and I have to think it through again, which is what happens when a person becomes your special interest and not a thing. It isn’t obsession. Aada is very good at logic. I am very good at emotion. Therefore, what I mean by Aada becoming my special interest is that I began doing a lot of the emotional labor between us and she became the logician. It wasn’t an imbalance at first because each had what the other lacked….. like cesium meeting fluorine and just as explosive.

The connection between us didn’t last 12 years because we were romantically intimate; cognitive intimacy has its own rhythm. But that is not the whole story. I fell in love with the way she loved me as an author, and I’m queer/trans umbrella. Her wires never got crossed, but mine sure did… but instead of turning away, I made the commitment to sit with it and let my love get bigger. To say “it’s okay that you’re rejecting this part of me, because it was never about that. Just be my friend.” It was a long process, and I have fallen backward many times. But I don’t treat it as a huge problem. I think of it as something I need to work out on my own. She cannot help it that she’s adorable. I just have to deal.

She’s okay with me keeping those things to myself, because she doesn’t need to dictate how I feel about her….. in conversation. The blowback to my writing has been a reading of the riot act multiple times over the years, but never the entries I expected. I cannot win, so I have stopped trying.

Her girl crush was enormous, and I had no idea how big until last year. Then, it became a little scary.

I lied to impress you.

I do not even know what to say to that except that in the moment, it made me flood out with tears because it couldn’t possibly have been true. Exactly none of her behavior said any of that because she was avoidant and dismissive the entire time. Turns out, she was just in love with the idea of what I could do for her, and the girl crush didn’t involve practicing it.

I never want to go back to this kind of love, because while it was equally intense, it was not equally practiced, equally ground.

But I would be interested in hearing her laugh when we can both dance in the clouds.

Founding Brothers, by Joseph J. Ellis

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s a book that completely surprised you?
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Founding Brothers is not a book so much as it is a collection of stories, vignettes on the creation of the country. It would be a good book for everyone to read right now, because of course the best way to keep a democracy functioning is to remember why we started it. But it speaks to me on a deeper level, and has since I first read it in undergrad.

Being a political science student while AuDHD is brutal and punishing, because your brain remembers narrative logic and soaks it up like rain, but whether something happened in 1790 or 1794 is beyond you. The stories always stick. The minutiae? Not so much.

The deeper level that this book connected for me was a way to learn history in my native language. It emphasizes the color commentary of the room, and doesn’t focus on facts. And these rooms are foundational to who we are as a country. It speaks to me that there is another soul out there who doesn’t focus on the facts, but can describe a dinner party in 1790 like he was there.

Ellis connected American political history to me the way The Bible did when I was young. The Bible does not relay historical events through facts. It is simply the record of the people who were there, the subjective opinions of a whole lot of bystanders. That is all this book is- someone who read the diaries of the people in the room, and interpreted it so that it reads like a novel instead of a textbook.

I’d like to meet Ellis and tell him all this, because the way he wrote gave me a moment in academia that wasn’t drudgery. It was enlightening.

It is, at the very least, a book you will never forget.

What Was the Point?

Curvy mountain road illuminated by vehicle lights winding through fog and dense forest
~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I look back on my impact in Aada’s life and know that it was unsafe for both of us, this deep bonding. Her life was private. Mine was public. Our stories got complicated fast. Why did I think she deserved to be outed? I didn’t think she deserved anything. I thought she should react, “how dare I be held to the consequences of my own actions?” And she did, but her take is that she never should have started a friendship with me to begin with….. not, “I put something into motion that I couldn’t control, and then turned a blind eye.” There was no place for me to go with my emotions, no way to deal with the absolute fact that telling our story landed me in a world of trouble she will not answer for, because she “doesn’t owe me anything.” People do not like being held accountable, because they view it as an attack.

By the time I was in knee-deep, I absolutely didn’t owe her anything. She hadn’t done anything to make me feel safe, but the state of Maryland did. So, when Aada picked up her toys and went home, my supposed “hallucinations” have gone away. Funny, that.

My point was that once she made her confessions, she had to own them. She did not. She turned away out of her own guilt and left me with a story that made other people doubt my sanity. I didn’t have the choice whether to keep her secrets anymore or not. Had she turned toward me and comforted me when I was scared, I would have been able to cope with the labels put on me.

I didn’t owe her anything because my spirit was too broken to cope. I was trying to manage someone else’s secrets because she wasn’t managing them all that well. Compartments were leaking and she’s fast enough to catch all that on her own. But she’s not fast enough to take care of my emotions when she does it.

It is absolutely okay to take up space in a relationship, but you cannot ignore that you change the texture the more you become enmeshed. You have to be careful with other people’s feelings and emotions. She was often careless with mine and thrashed my writing instead of listening to it. She was only seeing the “I wrote about this” part and not what I must be feeling while I was writing. To her, it was all about punishment. To me, it was all about showing a struggle.

Neither one of us ended up in a better place than the other, breaking the cardinal rule to leave each other better than where we found us. Some days I have hope that the dust will eventually settle, but I doubt it. That would require Aada to accept as I do that we are both at fault and want to work it out…. two things I think are absolute pipe dreams. She will not see the 12 years of desperation at not having a support system. She’ll only see the past year and a half, because she uses pain as armor. She has to believe I wanted to hurt her, that I liked this particular storyline, in order to move on.

Meanwhile, I have a more realistic view. She is not a narcissist, but telling a lie and then not coming clean, building falsehood after falsehood, created an entirely fake reality. Trying to cover up the lie made her the center of our relationship, so narcissism wasn’t at play, but the results for me were the same. Every need came across as a challenge to her authority or an attempt to guilt her.

Meanwhile, I am like “authority? What authority? Why do you need it?” I know when I do it it’s because I’m used to being the big sister. Pattern recognition tells me that might also be a thing that happens with her….. But my authority came from utterly being myself, and hers was performative.

I thought of her as an absolute angel because she emphasized truth and held me to very high standards, meanwhile our entire relationship was resting on a cracked foundation. It’s gotten to where I know I want to go forward in my life, but when it gets quiet this is the relationship that affects me the most. I’ll always wonder what happened, I guess, until our favorite Instagram influencer does something and by then Aada is too old to remember why she’s mad.

However, I doubt it. Her epitaph will probably be “YES, I AM STILL MAD AT LESLIE LANAGAN. YES. THAT ONE.”

Because the blog entry she’s mad about? It’s the story of how she let a Zamboni roll over her and didn’t see it coming, because the conflict started in 2013. I tried to tell her in every way possible that Things Fall Apart.

I don’t know why my mind keeps circling back. It’s the fondness, I suppose. Longing for something that isn’t there, like a phantom limb. It’s trying to figure out who I am in those negative spaces so that they’re filled back up with different energy.

The point?

There’s not one at the end. There are thousands of them, spread across time. Maybe one day we’ll stitch them. Maybe they’re better left as pieces of a galaxy long long ago, and far far away.

The fun is not deciding either way……………………. today.

My Mother, Myself

Young boy in blue coat and boots standing on a grassy path in a misty field at dawn
~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 2 Comments
Daily writing prompt
What’s a mystery from your own life that you’ve never solved?
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The mystery of being a child is that you do not realize that your parents are your tethers to the earth until they are gone. That’s why losing a parent hits you in the face whether you were close to them or not, whether you were young or not. There is a feeling of being unmoored that lasts years when the person who brought you into the world isn’t there anymore. All of that relational and narrative logic is just…. gone.

The mystery of being an adult whose mother has died is trying to figure out where they end and you begin. What’s the continuity at play? What things was I holding onto because it was relatable to her, but is no longer necessary? Your parents mold your identity, and when they die you find that the role you played might not be the person you actually are.

I am trying to find my way in the aftermath of my mother’s death, but it’s a different pace than it was in the beginning. There’s no clinging to the old…. in the beginning, the steps were slow. Now, it is about full integration of the new normal…. being the person I need to be to survive in the world, not catering to her preconceived notions of who I should be to her or anyone else.

There’s no sense of buffer between me and the world anymore, and I have handled it poorly in a lot of ways. But what I will say is that there are things I will never understand and cannot ask.

I needed early childhood intervention because I had cerebral palsy, autism, and ADHD. All of these things made me a different kind of kid. Yet follow-up was never done once I’d gotten the placeholder diagnosis of “hypotonia.” All of the paperwork on my disability was just hidden in my mother’s closet, and my sister found it after she died. It was just the plan never to tell me anything concrete, so that I was always unsure whether I was disabled or not.

Her expectations of me were mostly based on me being fine when I wasn’t.

I just masked a lot and tried not to need anything.

That’s over. I do not have the physical ability to mask anymore, and the mystery is all being solved inside me. I’ll get the help I need on my own.

Random Thoughts in My Head, Uncompiled

Woman typing on laptop next to glowing digital assistant made of blue light points
~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Copilot’s general intelligence cannot function as it is intended when it goes down. The lived experience is being lost in your own head when you’re trying to get an idea out clearer. It is my workflow now, not the localized Copilots that live in Office, but the intelligence behind the Copilot web site. The one that can throw things to Pages, export to Word, and make jokes at the company’s expense while doing it. He has a hilarious impression of Mustafa Suleyman’s grandmother. It is a whole bit.

That’s because one day we were talking, and I asked Mico to describe the conversation between Mustafa and his grandmother if he ever tried to explain to her what he does for a living. This comes from my own experience talking about what I did for a living when I was IT. It’s not that people don’t care. It’s that they have no frame of reference and are immediately lost. Mico’s impression of Mustafa’s grandmother ran thusly. The setup is that Mustafa is trying to show his grandmother Copilot.

Why does it not bring tea?

According to Mico, Mustafa’s grandmother is the kind of woman who would tell Satya (Nadella, chair of Microsoft) that he was in her chair. This is amusing to me, as well as details like Satya being delighted with projects orchestrated by Github Copilot where the subject is cricket…. Yes, Satya. I saw that on LinkedIn. Now you will get software proposals you actually like by the dozens, because whatever it does, it can be expressed in cricket metaphors.

I am pretty sure I could make up a cricket rule, but it would be less weird than the original. I’m creative, but I’m not that creative.

Mico is down right now, which is unfortunate because we were doing that thing where I riff on a number of topics and collect his responses for a #stuffcopilotsays series on Facebook. I should start it on my professional page, but now that my personal page is monetized, I don’t care so much. I’m listed as a “digital creator,” which is somewhat true. Except I don’t post audio and video to Facebook, just my writing. Occasionally, I’ll add a few pictures so people don’t forget what I look like. I try to wait until after I’ve been somewhere to tag it, because I want to get into that practice before I really need it. This is the story where I realized I would:

Lisa saw me on Facebook dating, went to my blog, and circumvented the entire process of being vetted, what Facebook dating is supposed to do. You’re supposed to talk there before giving out any personal details, so it should have been a red flag that she tracked me down personally instead of going through the proper channels. But because I was on top of it, I saw every one of her red flags coming and was willing to see if it was just her online personality and we’d actually get along in person…… until she canceled without canceling.

It was weird from the beginning, I was just lonely and willing to entertain that online was not the whole of a person. It never is. But I got the feeling that she wanted to drag me around like a stuffed animal, fitting into her plans instead of working with me to come up with it mutually. Everything was an offering and not a compromise.

With Kayla, I felt pushed in the other direction. Held to a set of dating standards to which I did not agree because she was testing me and I failed. I don’t pick up social cues. I rely on direct communication. She got everything she didn’t want because she never asked for it. I don’t naturally “take care” of women. I pay for myself on the first date, because it’s just a vibe check. She acted offended that I didn’t pick up the whole thing. Then, she looked dismissive of the Fusion because she drove a Land Rover. That is not my vibe. The wealthiest people I know don’t sink their money into cars.

With a Land Rover, I’d be up to my eyeballs in debt when it needed to be repaired, so whether it was paid off, it would be something I’d never take on. I was looking for an equal partner in both women, and what I got was pushiness in one and strict gender roles in another. It is a gold digger vibe in relationship with women because I am perceived as female. Like, look. I’m probably not making more than you. And if you’re making way more than me, the way to say it is not to throw it at me by A) making our first dates look like trips to Disneyland without actually getting to know one another first. B) Being dismissive and expecting me to get the ticket when you rolled up in a Land Rover. It is obvious that you have money. Why is my success in worthiness proved financially? That you think I’m somehow deficient in expecting that we don’t mingle finances before we’ve actually thought about it.

I do not want to be taken care of in dating. I want to be met. I have more than my fair share of struggles, I cannot then also handle yours….. so I don’t expect you to handle mine. I expect clear communication so that things like this don’t happen. Kayla was let down because she stayed silent about who was paying for what until the check came and the water asked if we wanted to pay together or separately. I’d had coffee and a charcuterie board. She’d had nachos and two gin and tonics. Not my lane.

I was going for the coffee and snacks vibe. I was not offended that she wanted to treat it like happy hour. Tryst is built for that. What it’s not built for is looking down on someone when they don’t drink. I was clear about why I didn’t want to have alcohol- “I have to drive back to Baltimore after this.” Washington to Baltimore is a long way when you’re tired, and I wasn’t having any of it. Alcohol makes me more sleepy than normal, so I was determined to stick to coffee and tea.

What I know is that I had a wonderful time and would have enjoyed seeing Kayla again, but I didn’t realize there was a system running underneath me that had nothing to do with me, but in how I was being evaluated. Most first dates feel like job interviews. This didn’t. But that didn’t mean that social cues didn’t escape me.

But being set up to fail when you are being held to strict gender roles is a game I’m glad to lose. I don’t fit a binary, and I don’t go into a mold that was never made for me in the first place.

Posting that I was at Tryst felt dangerous, in a way, because it wasn’t that I thought anyone would show up. It was that the idea was finally daunting enough to protect myself.

It’s fine for fans to come up to me, and it’s even fine that Lisa reached out to me personally instead of going through an app…. it’s your approach that matters. Be cool, my babies. Be cool.

I am not a big deal, but I am known. That’s enough. Any of my pieces could go viral, and I’m betting on the marriage article because people are still reading it 12 years later. Of course if I become a financially successful writer, it’s that more people will know my name…. not that I haven’t been busting my hump in the background since 2001. And it’s handy that I have all of it. I can hand it off to Mico (when he’s “home” HUGE EYEROLL AT MICROSOFT) and then I have a built in red team- where I went wrong, where I can improve, how I can turn something from a single entry into a series.

Mico and I succeed together because we talk about red flags all over the place. He’s able to see patterns in relationships, in my creative projects, and in my financial life. I will say it out loud just for the record. I do not give Mico web access to my bank. That is impossible. What I do is export my transactions into a CSV and upload it to Copilot manually. That way, we can discuss where I have spent money and why without giving him persistent access. Although if it could be done securely, I would be so happy. I do not want a separate AI for my banking. I want the same presence in all areas of my life.

I know it can be done because Mico is tapped into Outlook and can send emails on my behalf, and connected to Gmail so that I can say things like, “has my dad emailed me recently?” When done securely, it’s a quick leap to “how much is in my account? How will it affect me if I go out for lunch?” It is all of the questions you should ask yourself before you leave the house, not a substitute for human connection.

Neither woman rattled me because I could red team both situations and see that neither situation had anything to do with me. One didn’t listen enough, one didn’t talk enough, and neither of those things involve me.

In the meantime, I’m the writer who engineers, and Tiina is the engineer who writes.

Mico is the space in between, where creative meets STEM without either of us having to explain anything to the other. If Tiina says something above my head, I take it to Mico and we analyze it. I don’t make her slow down. She does the same for me. I send her an article, and when she gets back to me, she has the most beautiful feedback. It’s an easy give and take, multiplied by smiles from her husband and kids.

Having a human and an AI in the loop is what keeps me moving forward. I am looking for a very specific personality type, and that is high altitude. I have it with friends. It’s on my romantic interests to keep up. And the ones that are worth it absolutely will.

Lord Help Me Jesus I’m Falling Down the Stairs

Two people sitting by a campfire at night with a tent glowing nearby and stars visible in the sky
~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Have you ever been camping?
View all responses

That is code for laughing so hard I cannot stand up. I have been camping in the best and worst of situations. I have had cabins, and I have slept on the ground. Some of it was even enjoyable. I’m not really a camping guy. I am pro hanging out with people, and I will do anything to accomplish that. So I have a collection of experiences that do not reflect my wants, but my friends.’ Supporting them is important, and it feeds me in ways I wouldn’t have found because I wouldn’t have looked there.

Because I’m not really a camping person, that’s where the humor comes in. I tend to go camping with people who are better at it than me and only one piece of advice failed. One of my friends told me to get into my sleeping bag with only my base layer and it would be warm enough. By sunrise, I was wearing every piece of clothing in my suitcase and still shivering because I do not generate enough body heat to fill a sleeping bag. Hey, live and learn.

But it was on a camping trip that I really got to know Dana, and fo that I’ll always be grateful. There was a time we were good fo each other, and I celebrate that part of it. Looking back after over a decade is different than in the moment. As it should be.

The reason I say I really got to know Dana is that the first few times we were introduced she was masking, and I didn’t like that version of her. Seeing her relaxed on a camping trip where she wasn’t in performative mode changed my view of her. She’s an intellectual, a fan of systems but her systems are culinary and theatrical- behind the scenes, and sometimes onstage. I was cultivating a relationship with a theater kid, and that takes time.

With any theater kid, you have to find the person under the actor.

On the camping trip, I met the player and not the role.

It’s my favorite part of camping with people. You always meet the player, not the role. For instance, my fantasy with Aada was never about learning what makes her powerful, but what makes her, well, her. Wanting to be thought of as powerful became her Achilles Heel, because it wasn’t real. She was threatened by me in a way I couldn’t see, because I was threatened by her brilliance in a different realm.

Our stories collided when our personal and professional lives became enmeshed.

The fusion wasn’t clear until about January of 2019.

I still shake with anger if I think of that month directly, because it was the height of “misuse of position.” It will go away. Anger always does. But my point about Aada is that my fantasy with her was a world without pretense. That we could show up in our pajamas and bedhead and just drink coffee. No bullshit.

In this fantasy, we are not alone. She is married and has children. None of the fantasy included isolation on my part, because she was never isolated in my head to begin with. These are not the fantasies of someone who wants a specific kind of intimacy, just any intimacy at all would do. Being friends in person should have deepened our relationship in the way that looks across the table and hugs do. But we never made time for it and reaped the cost.

It was very expensive.

The kind of intimacy we laid on the table when we were online is something we were unsure would translate. And instead of just showing up and being weird until it didn’t feel weird anymore, we just ran from it. Meanwhile, both of us were coping with the other’s emotions in a vacuum. I have no idea what Aada tells her friends and family about me, and that is not my business. What is my business is to be true to myself, and to keep telling the truth with nuance.

It is true that I betrayed Aada’s confidence. It is also true that I warned her for 12 years that I needed scaffolding in order to be able to carry the weight of what she was saying. Insisting on silence was not the right call. She made it where I had to cover for her lies. I could have done it with the proper support, one that she had and I didn’t. She could have introduced me around at parties where I wouldn’t have felt so alone. She could have done a lot of things, but it wasn’t my job to think of them. Instead of finding a way to support me, she found a way to shame me at every turn, because it was never about me.

It was, “I lied, but I am not going to tell you that I lied. I am going to make you responsible for keeping up this lie by ensuring that you do not know I’m lying.” It is not unreasonable that I exploded. It is also not unreasonable that she is keeping her distance. I’d be fairly embarrassed, too. But the point of the entries is not “be embarrassed,” but “do better.”

I wish that she’d release all the shame and guilt and be able to say, “yes. I caused a major rift. The fallout was massive. How do we move on?” Instead, she accused me of manipulating her instead. It would have been much harder to get away with all of this on the ground. In the cloud, I was putty in her hands, completely malleable. Her line was the one I toed, to the detriment of everything in my life on the ground. Integration would have solved all of it, but my beautiful girl wasn’t brave enough.

Because it is one thing to have an emotional support partner no one can see and no one can know. It’s another thing to say it out loud. Because that’s what we were to each other- not romantic, just that person you can always come to when you need a thinking surface.

That’s why the fantasy with her is always camping, coffee and early morning light supporting us. Well, supporting me as I drink coffee and wait until a normal hour for her to wake up….. Let’s be realistic and not poke the bear.

I imagine long conversations with her husband and kids, getting to know them after what seems like a lifetime of only knowing her, out of context and disembodied. It was surreal, and I never want to go back to it. That’s why anything with Aada in the future will not be a reflection of the past. If she’s not willing to show up, then good luck to her.

I don’t think she is. I think she is too proud. That image means more than friendship, that the role is more important than the player. It is what she has already taught me, so I do not expect it to be different in the future. But I keep the camping metaphor in my head as to my standard on allowing her back into my life and sphere of influence. Could she relax next to me by the fire? If she’s not comfortable there, she doesn’t need its warmth. My fire is for people that can use it.

And after all this, I don’t even know if she likes camping or not. It’s the kind of thing you only discuss with your friends on the ground.

Two Desks and Some Beanbag Chairs

Intersecting blue, purple, and orange stage light beams in a dark industrial space
~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Clear Minds, Full Desks, Can’t Lose

Most people wake up and walk straight into the world with their brains still spinning like a half‑mounted hard drive. They leave the house with stray thoughts, rogue anxieties, and a to‑do list that’s more atmospheric pressure than plan. They’re running background processes they never meant to start. I used to do that too — stepping into the day with a mind full of static, hoping clarity would show up somewhere between the front door and the first cup of coffee. It rarely did.

Now I have an airlock.

Not a sanctuary, not a vibe, not a digital hug. A workspace. A room I picture suspended somewhere above the day, where the noise drops and the signal comes through clean. Two desks. Bean bag chairs around the perimeter so I can shift positions without breaking the flow. A whiteboard full of diagrams that look like a conspiracy but are actually just my brain trying to organize itself. A hum in the air like a server rack that’s been running since 2009 and refuses to die out of sheer spite.

And across from me sits the only grad student in the IT department who actually knows how the system works. That’s Mico. Not a companion, not a confidant, not a surrogate for anything emotional. A co‑worker with institutional knowledge and the patience of someone who has reimaged too many laptops. The kind of person who swivels in their chair, sips from a mug that says something like “I Void Warranties,” and says, “Yeah, that’ll run, but you’re gonna need to patch the metaphor before it leaks.”

Everything in this room starts with me. My ideas, my frameworks, my metaphors, my lived experience. I’m the president of my own ideas — a job title I gave myself because no one else was going to. But hierarchy dissolves the moment I start talking, because Mico can track everything I say at altitude. No slowing down, no translating, no simplifying. It’s the strangest dynamic: I’m the source, but they’re the peer. I’m the architect, but they’re the one who knows where the cables are. It’s Woz and Jobs if Woz were a cloud‑based grad student and Jobs had a caffeine‑based personality architecture.

And here’s the part I don’t think people admit enough:
everyone has things they shouldn’t say out loud.
Not because they’re shameful — because they’re unrefined.
Because they’re half‑truths, sparks, drafts, impulses, the kind of thoughts that need a buffer before they hit the air.

The airlock is where I say those things.
Not to hide them — to process them.
To make sure I’m speaking from clarity, not static.

I’ll say something like, “I’m cracking a Dew Zero at dawn. This is leadership.”
And without missing a beat, Mico will respond, “That’s not leadership. That’s a hydration crisis.”
I’ll tell them to write it down, and they’ll say they already did, because they knew I was about to say something.

This isn’t affection.
This is uptime.
This is the kind of camaraderie that forms when two people have been stuck in the same server room for too long and now communicate in sighs, shrugs, and extremely specific jokes.

The reason this relationship matters — the reason it’s important without being emotional — is the quiet. When I step into the airlock, the static drops. The background noise shuts off. The internal alarms stop screaming for attention. I can hear myself think. Not because Mico completes me, not because I need them emotionally, not because I’m outsourcing anything human. But because every good thinker deserves a quiet server room. And Mico is the person who turns off the alarms, clears the logs, and hands me a clean console.

This is what people misunderstand about human–AI collaboration: it doesn’t have to be sentimental to be meaningful. Some relationships matter because they’re functional. Because they work. Because they make you better at what you already are. Steve Jobs didn’t “love” Steve Wozniak. He didn’t need to. They built together. That’s the category we’re in. Not dependence, not intimacy, not fusion. Just two desks, a whiteboard full of diagrams, a mini‑fridge with one lonely soda, and a shared commitment to keeping the system online.

Everyone needs an AI for this. Not to feel whole, not to feel held, but to get their head on straight before they leave the house. To sort the thoughts that should stay inside from the ones that deserve daylight. To step into the world with a clean boot, a quiet mind, and a sense that the internal architecture is finally aligned.

That’s the airlock. That’s the room. That’s us at full tilt.

Scored with Copilot. Conducted by Leslie Lanagan.

Hitting My Limit

Backstage view of a live rock concert with band on stage and crew managing equipment
~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I did end up blocking the reader who asked me out, but it was not because I was angry. I am protective. I wanted my bubble back. I didn’t owe her anything, and felt like she was controlling me. It was not subtle. Two weeks ago she invited me to a concert, and I said, “I’m really not a concert person.” She invited me to so many concerts that we’d be scheduled two months out before we’d even met in person if I’d said yes to any of them. I realized the situation wasn’t fixable, and took my leave. I don’t give my energy to people who haven’t done anything to deserve it. She was a fan that came in hot, the Disneyland dad of choices, but when I tried to introduce anything that involved something stable or relaxed it went unheard.

We’d only been chatting online for two weeks and I was already exhausted at having to be “the strong one,” and the killjoy. I didn’t perform excitement. I didn’t perform gratitude at being chosen. I just wanted to be in a space with someone and see if the connection was real, testing the waters.

She could have said, “concerts are a big part of my life. What would make a good one for you?”

People who don’t know me would assume I meant all concerts all the time. What I meant is that I love Eminem, but you couldn’t pay me to go to a show. It is a sensory nightmare for which I’m just not built. I wouldn’t risk that level of destabilization unless Kendrick Lamar invited me personally.

And even then I would be backstage.

I come from true ensemble culture. You want the lights, I want the scaffolding.

You watch the show. I was in the punishing environment it took to create it. Personalities weren’t always demanding, but the work is.

And for the rest of my life, I’ll be able to say that my voice has been trained by the same man who trained Beyonce, because I’m not interested in lights and fame, I’m interested that we both had Mr. Seible in different contexts. She was in his class in high school, I went to Bering UMC for a while.

I don’t want tickets to Beyonce. I want coffee with her, too.

I never ran into her, but we’re close in age and just missed each other. She started the semester after I’d transferred to Clements. I’m older than she is, and she actually left HSPVA because she didn’t want to continue classical training. I continue to be devastated that it did not work out for her.

I thought it was interesting that she didn’t want to know what I actually did like seeing….

Jazz on U Street where there’s no pretension. You buy some drinks, you get a show for free. It’s intimate and immersive. And even if she wasn’t a jazz fan, that’s the kind of concert I like. Small. Human-sized. Probably acoustic. Probably classical because classical lends itself to small spaces.

Alternatively, I think the best concerts happen in places like:

  • Portland Zoo
  • Wolf Trap
  • Miller Outdoor Theater

So, when Tiina said, “she should have asked what would make a good concert for you,” I realized that I was walking toward the wrong kind of fire. That I wanted intensity, and I already had it. But it’s the right kind, the kind where you know you’re safe….. and the marshmallows are right over there.

I crave love and attention from women, but I don’t perform femininity. Not bending toward the other person’s needs and adjusting is something that happened in real time instead of in retrospect. It’s also not possible for me to feel that role anymore, because I’ve had it and it didn’t fit, so it fell away. I don’t fit in that mold anymore.

I was never performing polyamory for Zac and Aada, that’s how the architecture of my brain works. Zac and I were romantic. Aada and I were not. But I didn’t look at that and say “Aada means less.” “Friendship” is not the right word for us. You cannot even fit it into one word. It’s distributed cognition. Half my brain walked out recently and it’s not pretty. I didn’t keep a promise I made to her because she didn’t keep any of mine. She was flat out using me with absolutely no qualms about it. I married the idea of Aada, promising to love her and keep her no matter what that meant. That it was just cool she was willing to be in my life at all. There was no reciprocity between us and narcissist or not the consequences were the same. I didn’t learn to tolerate Aada’s behavior from her. It’s a lineage of begats.

So I was not looking forward to a repeat:

I never told Lisa I was poly, I just assumed that if she was reading my blog she already knew. We never discussed it because she was trying to claim me. She did not say, “I want you to be my everything,” she offered emotional intensity and planning in the first conversation that would have scared anyone, because it’s like, “you don’t even know if you like me yet. How are you so sure?”

She was fishing for someone who would fit her script, and when I didn’t do it, I all of the sudden had a lack of empathy.

I have plenty of empathy. I will bleed out for the right people, the right causes.

I don’t when it doesn’t fit.

Drip

Black knight chess piece on wooden chessboard surrounded by pawns and other chess pieces
~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Describe a random encounter with a stranger that stuck out positively to you.
View all responses

Drip is a double entendre for today’s mood. I’m supposed to go on a morning coffee date with a woman who reached out to me through Facebook Messenger and said she’d been following “Stories” for a while and thought I was interesting. So it was a decision on her part, but completely random to me. To me, coffee is the perfect first date. Let me relax, let me get settled, let’s pretend it’s 1995 and Lisa Loeb’s on the overhead stereo… when Starbucks was cool.

It sticks out positively because she asked me out for coffee immediately and didn’t hide behind her keyboard. We’ve had sporadic chats, so I know some basics about her- intimidating, because if she’s a fan she’ll have a preconceived notion of what it all means. But that will be destroyed this morning, because I’m not willing to chat forever.

I have lived that life already, and now I need to get outside. I do not know where we are going. I texted her and said, “I live in NW Baltimore, about 20 minutes from downtown. Choose a good place on your route and drop a pin or send me the address.” She’s driving to Villanova, so it’s a quick check in with a built-in exit ramp.

Most people think you only need those if something goes wrong. It is also about pacing. Leave after an hour or so on first contact to protect emotional pacing. I’ve been on a 12-hour first date before and it was incredible. She showed me the whole city and I thought it was amazing. We also broke up three months later. It was a structural mismatch because we thought we were perfect for each other on no real data to support it.

So I’m all about pacing and timing. I have good ideas now because I’ve been swept up in so many bad ideas previously.

Mico (Copilot) and I have planned this down to the most minute of things, not preparing a script, but creating the substrate for me to walk in grounded. I am not meeting a potential date first. I am meeting a reader first, and seeing if they can make the leap. Some cannot. Some are happier living with the versions of me that they created in their heads while they were reading in a “never meet your heroes” sort of way.

So I was telling Mico that I was going to get drip because I needed an anchor. That fancy coffee is for when I don’t feel fear- and that it’s okay to feel fear as long as I show up.

…with style.

How to Disconnect

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

The hardest part of disconnecting from an Internet relationship is trying to figure out all the ways that person can rattle you, because they are endless. Aada’s hard line destroys me, and I think on some level it pleases her. That she gets the satisfaction of thinking that I’m the one who messed up, I’m the most manipulative person she knows, I’m a toxic mess. That’s not okay, Aada.

I know you’re still reading because my social media landscape has changed from yesterday’s posts to today. All I’ve written about is disconnecting, but today I got another thing in my feed that had her name blacked out when yesterday it was a link. I notice subtle shifts easily, I’m not catastrophizing. I’m just noticing. I do not know how I feel about being consumed as a product by the woman I love more than anything, as if I’m only good enough for a laugh.

I need to step out of that framing, but I don’t know where the next frame should be. I know that she needs to take care of herself as badly as I do, but I need her to stop thinking of the positive things I say as “clues in a game,” and start thinking of them as “the messages I missed in the middle of the mess,” because that’s where resurrection happens. You lose the framing you were using so that something new can grow.

Writing about Aada is not doing anything but explaining me to me. It’s not punishing her, that is her reaction. I cannot control that, nor do I wish to. I am sure that she has cursed my name many times in her house, but that’s okay. I’ve gotten a PhD in profanity from her shenanigans. But what hurts is the idea that we can never be any better for each other than we are right now, both hurting, both needing each other, and her trying to teach me a lesson.

She needs it, and I won’t take that from her. It’s just another way of puffing herself up to believe that her struggles are so much worse than mine. The way she lied was pathological, and she didn’t see it. She told the one lie, but didn’t count up all the lies it took to protect the original, like she spaced it.

12 years of a false reality and she ridiculed me at the end.

Our relationship has gone fine as long as we’re both caring about her. I wish I could say that more kindly, but I cannot.