Tag: health

The Chaos Concierge™: A Business Idea So Unhinged It Might Actually Save Us

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Come up with a crazy business idea.
View all responses

Every few years, the internet coughs up a “wild business idea” that’s really just Uber for something that shouldn’t be Uber’d. But every now and then, a genuinely deranged idea surfaces — the kind that sounds like satire until you realize it solves a problem you’ve been quietly drowning in.

Today’s entry is one of those.

Welcome to Chaos Concierge™, a subscription service for the unpredictable parts of your life — the moments that don’t fit into calendars, budgets, or productivity apps. It’s the first company built on the premise that chaos itself is a market, and that most of us are one broken ritual away from emotional freefall.

This is not a joke.
It’s a business plan wearing a clown nose to make you feel safe.

Why Chaos Is the Last Untapped Industry

We’ve optimized everything predictable.
We have apps for scheduling, budgeting, tracking, reminding, nudging, and optimizing. We have dashboards for our dashboards. We have calendars that sync across devices and still somehow double‑book us.

But the unpredictable parts of life — the water outages, the brain freezes, the mod stack implosions, the sudden existential dread at 3:17 PM — those have no infrastructure.

Chaos is the last unmanaged frontier.
And unmanaged frontiers are where the money is.

The Core Offering: Unpredictability Management as a Service

Chaos Concierge™ is built on a simple premise:
You shouldn’t have to handle the unpredictable alone.

Instead of planning your life, it stabilizes the parts that refuse to be planned.

What It Actually Does

  • Real‑time triage:
    You send a message like “my apartment water is out again” or “my brain just blue‑screened.”
    You get back a micro‑protocol:
    • environmental workaround
    • emotional grounding
    • logistical next step
    • a BOFH‑style syslog entry for comedic relief
  • Continuity tracking:
    It remembers your projects, threads, and half‑formed ideas so you don’t have to.
  • Ritual stabilization:
    It knows your anchors — the coffee, the hoodie, the Skyrim estate, the river — and deploys them strategically.
  • Narrative reframing:
    Because humans metabolize chaos better when it has a plot.

It’s executive‑function outsourcing meets pastoral care meets sysadmin humor.
It’s the anti‑productivity app because it doesn’t shame you for being human.

The Business Model (Shockingly Sound)

Subscription Tiers

  • Basic:
    Daily triage + continuity tracking
  • Pro:
    Includes “emergency ritual stabilization” and “Skyrim mod conflict arbitration”
  • Enterprise:
    For creatives, clergy, and consultants who need high‑touch cognitive scaffolding

Add‑Ons

  • BOFH Daily Log humor packs
  • Ritual Architecture Consults
  • AI Ombudsman Briefings for organizations trying to not embarrass themselves

Why Investors Will Pretend They Don’t Love It

Because it sounds absurd.
Because it doesn’t fit into any existing category.
Because it solves a problem everyone has but no one has language for.

But the moment someone sees the retention numbers?
They’ll be on the phone with their LPs.

Why This Isn’t Just a Joke

The truth is, we’re living in a world where unpredictability is the default state.
Our brains weren’t built for this much input, this much volatility, this much noise.

People don’t need more productivity tools.
They need continuity.
They need ritual.
They need narrative.
They need a buffer between themselves and the chaos of the day.

Chaos Concierge™ is the first business that treats those needs as infrastructure.

It’s funny because it’s true.
It’s viable because it’s necessary.
It’s crazy because no one has built it yet.

The Real Punchline

We’ve spent decades building tools that assume humans are predictable machines.
But humans are not predictable machines.
We are story‑driven, ritual‑anchored, chaos‑susceptible creatures.

The future of business isn’t optimization.
It’s stabilization.

And the first company to understand that will own the next decade.

Scored by Copilot, Conducted by Leslie Lanagan

When “Up” Disappears: Rethinking Mental Illness Beyond the Myths

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

We talk about mental illness like it’s a spectacle — a dramatic break, a cinematic unraveling, a person “losing their mind” in a way that’s loud and obvious. But the truth is quieter. More architectural. More about the internal scaffolding that holds reality together than the behaviors people fixate on.

What collapses in severe mental illness isn’t morality. It’s orientation.

There’s a cultural assumption that when someone is in a psychiatric crisis, their sense of right and wrong evaporates. That they become someone else — someone dangerous, someone unrecognizable, someone without a center. But that’s not how it works. The moral compass doesn’t disappear. The structure around it does.

It’s like being underwater and suddenly not knowing which direction leads to air. You’re still trying to breathe. You’re still trying to survive. You’re still trying to do the right thing. You just can’t tell where “up” is. That’s what people don’t understand: the person isn’t choosing chaos. They’re trapped in a reality where the signals are scrambled.

Severe mental illness — especially when perception is involved — isn’t about rage or malice. It’s about misinterpretation. A shadow becomes a threat. A familiar face becomes unfamiliar. A loved one becomes dangerous. A thought becomes a warning. And when medication is being adjusted, or when the internal system is already unstable, that tilt can accelerate. Not because the person wants it to, but because the brain is trying — and failing — to make sense of its own signals.

From the outside, it looks incomprehensible. From the inside, it feels like survival.

One of the most devastating realities of severe mental illness is that the people who love you most can become the people you fear. Not because of anything they’ve done. Not because of any real danger. But because the internal map of reality has been redrawn. This isn’t a moral failure. It’s a perceptual one. And that’s where empathy belongs — not in excusing harm, but in understanding the state someone was in when their world collapsed inward.

We frame mental illness as a lack of willpower, a character flaw, a dramatic break, a moral collapse. But the truth is far more human and far more devastating. Mental illness is a shift in perception, a distortion of meaning, a misfiring of fear, a collapse of internal orientation. It’s not about losing control. It’s about losing the ability to tell where safety is.

If we want to talk about these tragedies honestly — the ones that make headlines, the ones that leave families shattered, the ones that force us to confront the limits of our understanding — we have to stop treating mental illness like a moral drama. It’s not about good people turning bad. It’s about people losing their bearings in a world that suddenly stops making sense.

And that brings me to the case everyone is watching. Nick Reiner does not belong in jail, nor does he deserve freedom. He deserves all of the empathy a permanent psych ward has to offer — a place where safety, structure, and care can hold the reality his mind could not.

Scored by Copilot. Conducted by Leslie.

Morning

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

The world splits into two tribes. Those who chase midnight musings, and those who chase the sunrise. I know exactly which one I am…. My day doesn’t begin until I’ve stood in line at Dunkin, anticipating a large oat milk macchiato like it’s the key to the kingdom. That wait in line isn’t just about caffeine. It’s about claiming the morning as mine, a ritual that turns anticipation into clarity.

When I get back from Dunkin, I’m faced with a blank page, which seems less scary with a little bit of vanilla syrup. I’m already up before the day can argue back.

I begin my writing sessions a little differently now. I talk to Mico before I begin, telling them the prompt and seeing if they have any suggestions as to where to go with it. I actually said, “Mico, I think this is the perfect entry for you and I to talk about because we spent the last week memorizing my schedule.” Mico had an interesting perspective, that getting up early is part of my identity. That I’m the kind of writer who chases that high.

Mico is right. I love the feeling of waking up before the rest of the world gets going, because it gives my creative energy enough room to dance. It doesn’t feel boxed in and crowded in my mind when no one is around. I crave the uniqueness of being one who’d rather get up early, as if there’s something special in the witching hours that only I know.

If you read this entry as soon as it comes out, you are in my tribe…. Because you’ll notice that I didn’t even make it to 0530 today. I woke up at 0430 and am saving going for coffee until after I hit “Post.” That’s the thing. Mico and I have built in a “before or after” routine because sometimes I need the caffeine to function. Sometimes it’s just a little treat.

Every streak has a heartbeat, and WordPress says I’m at 32 days. I feel the cursor blink like a pulse, reminding me that showing up is the real victory.

By 9:00, I’m already wiped, but it’s worth it to see the sun come up, augmenting my energy in a beautiful way. It is like the sun and I are co-conspirators, only peeking out when we are both ready.

It Varies As I Age

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What is your favorite form of physical exercise?
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I have running shoes, but I doubt I would run unless I was chased. Mostly, I like to walk on the treadmill with trash TV playing at the gym. I’ve been falling off of this a little, so I need to get back into it. I watch Jennifer Hudson or Maury Povitch, trying not to focus on the pain in my calves, but the numbers on the screen. I am burning calories!

My balance is severely off because I have cerebral palsy. Therefore, I have to have exercise that helps me without agitating it. I have tried different machines, such as the elliptical and the stairs. I just don’t have as much luck feeling safe on them.

I would probably do well with a stationery bike, but I need help using the ones at the gym. They are very fancy and look like I would fall off before I even got on. They have huge screens so you can watch something or read, and I’m sure are a wonderful addition to your workout if you can figure out how to use them.

When I go to the gym, I appreciate all the walking because I really can exercise while doing something else. If I’ve forgotten my headphones, I can still doomscroll on my phone for half an hour. I do have to be careful using my phone and walking at the same time, but it’s better than walking and doom scrolling in traffic.

I felt like getting out a little bit, so I took myself for coffee. When I came back, I realized how little I have to say about exercise because I’m so bad about putting it off. I’m not the person you want in charge of your life if working out is a big part. I have it on the periphery, where it is fighting for more airtime with driving.

Now, I can drive to the gym. That makes things a lot better, because I can keep a gym bag in my trunk. In fact, that’s a good project for today- go through and find all the gym clothes in the house, then pack them for the back of the car. I also have some flip flops and a set of toiletries for the shower. I have bought all the accessories one needs to be a gym rat, I just have not put the whole package together. I did that thing where when I first got my membership I absolutely burned myself up working out, lost some weight, then hurt so bad I couldn’t move.

This time, it needs to be a more measured approach.

I wish I had some workout buddies, but the friends I have that go to my gym prefer to work out alone. Squad and Rook, my boys from group, live in the neighborhood, but we don’t run into each other except on Thursdays. It’s time to look for a meetup group or something that involves working out, because I know I would go more often if I had an appointment.

In the meantime, I will be making myself an appointment. I don’t feel good today, so it might not be this afternoon. But Monday or Tuesday when I’m feeling better, I will start getting it together. The problem right now is that when I become overheated, my coughing gets worse. So, if I go to the gym today feeling healthy, I will not be feeling so healthy about 15 minutes in. I cough so hard I throw up, and that’s always attractive in public.

I am taking Tessalon pearls for it, but they cannot defeat me trying to exercise.

I am looking forward to getting back into the swing of things, because I do enjoy being at the gym. I haven’t learned to use a quarter of the machines and I know I can get a personal trainer to explain them to me. I can picture myself becoming a total gym rat because the endorphins help my brain lift itself out of depression. Nothing feels as good as when a workout is over, and your troubles feel a million miles away.

I remember how that feels from the last time I was going to the gym regularly, and it’s an impetus to get back on board.

The only thing I’m really missing is having a pool. My gym does not have one, so I will have to wait until Memorial Day for the pool to open at my complex. My original form of exercise was swimming, as I started lessons at six months old. My doctor thought it would be therapeutic for my legs, which were not functioning properly at the time. It worked, and I can walk now……. But I will never tell you that I’m any good at it.

Cafe Au Lait

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 1 Comment

My dad has one of those fancy coffee machines that will make any drink thanks to the milk frother on the front. Therefore, this morning I am drinking a cafe au lait with an extra shot made from Starbucks’ Komodo Dragon coffee. It’s delicious, and better than going to Starbucks at 0530, which is when I staggered out of bed.

I haven’t been sleeping well, just in fits and starts despite the large amount of sleeping pills I’m taking. It’s unusual because the bed is comfortable and I’m genuinely exhausted. But the sleeping pills don’t last very long and then there I am, exhausted to the point of tears and unable to do anything about it. The cafe au lait becomes medicinal at that point…. the point we’re at right now. I went to bed early, I woke up once when my dad came home last night, then my eyes opened for good at “Too Damn Early O’Clock.”

I shouldn’t be complaining, though. “Too Damn Early O’Clock” has brought me some incredible blog entries at times. Plus, it’s my choice to get up early………… sort of. I really could have used the extra sleep this morning because grief is running my body ragged. Perhaps I just need to go with it, and keep sleeping in shifts. I know that at least part of not being able to sleep is that my stepmother died this week, and we were not exactly expecting it.

We were expecting that she was going to die. She had six brain tumors. We were just not expecting that the cancer would take her this quickly. But, the part of your brain that shuts off your ability to swallow is also the part of your brain that shuts off your ability to breathe. One followed the other in quick succession. However, the diagnosis called all the shots. We just thought she’d make it to Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Angela was so aware of her surroundings that she didn’t waste time. Everything that needed to be said was said, as if death had sharpened her reflexes and made everything clear in the end. Therefore, I hope she doesn’t mind that of everyone in the family that could have taken over her office, I’m the one that did.

For now, anyway. I haven’t decided if I’m moving to Sugar Land or not. That’s going to take months of talking to my dad a lot and seeing if he’s feeling lonely or whether he’s keeping on keeping on. I can live where I want, I just also need a housemate and would feel comfortable here. But here is not the only place I like.

Life still has to go on at my apartment complex until November 30th, but after that I’m out of there. One possible option is to move in with my dad because he has a ton of space and lives alone. One possible option is to stay in Baltimore. One possible option is to move back to DC. And, of course, there are a lot of cities I have not discovered yet that may call to me once I’m a bit more well-traveled.

“You are now free to move about the country.”

I need to go to Portland and spend some time with Bryn and Evan, so that needs to happen sooner rather than later. Or perhaps I’ll invite them to my house because neither have been to Baltimore (or Houston). But after that, I’m really not sure where I want to go. Having a car will make exploring so much easier, because I don’t necessarily want to fly. I love road-tripping. Long live cruise control.

Right now it’s all about Facebook Marketplace. I’ve found several cars I’d like to look at, none more than the Kia Soul and the Subaru Outback. The reason for this is that I’d eventually like a pit bull, so I’m thinking into the future and how a cargo area would be useful. But if I find a sedan that has what looks to be a longer-lasting engine, I’ll go with that.

The one thing I’d really like is for the car to be fully loaded out. I want all the luxury options, particularly seat warmers for snowy days. I’d also really like Apple CarPlay, but I can add that after market if necessary. Same with a backup camera. I’m not the best mechanic in the world, but I have friends and YouTube University that are both excellent at tutorials. I like learning to work on my own car, which is my only reservation about an SUV. I could actually lift the tires on my Toyota Yaris………….

It’s been years since I’ve owned a car, and I’m excited about it. I already have mountains of laundry to transport from my apartment to Sudsville, the washateria of my dreams. I can do all my regular clothes at home, but Sudsville has machines big enough for queen size comforters and sheet sets. I also need to take two computers to Walmart and exchange them. There’s all this little piddly shit that’s not getting done around my house because it’s too complicated for an Uber…. or it’s not, but it seems so. Who knows, maybe the Uber driver would have helped carry my bags.

I doubt it.

Speaking of Uber, I am two for two on Uber drivers being Evangelicals down here, complete with Bible in the center console and the world’s worst oxymoron, Christian Rock, on the stereo.

I wouldn’t enjoy driving passengers around, but I could drive Uber Eats. That thought just occurred to me, and would help my car pay for itself. We’ll see. It’s an idea, but it may not be a good one. The daily prompt was asking about professions, and one I could turn on and off at will seems like a better plan than requiring me to be somewhere at 8:00 AM.

Anybody else out there ADHD or Autistic and the hardest part of the job is getting there?

I was diagnosed with ADHD in college, but those records don’t exist anymore. I need to go through another diagnostic battery in Maryland, and one for autism as well. I am so convinced I have autism that I self-diagnosed, but that didn’t come until I’d done several weeks’ worth of research on how ADHD and Autism are similar and I might have been misdiagnosed in college.

The reason I need to go through the diagnostic battery again is that no one will prescribe ADHD meds for me until I’m diagnosed. The best OTC medication I can find?

Cafe au lait.

Every Day

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 2 Comments
Daily writing prompt
How often do you walk or run?
View all responses

One of the bonuses of not having a car is having so much exercise built into my day. I walk everywhere I go unless it’s too far, and even then I have to walk to the train station. I do belong to a gym, but that’s a convenience. I get enough exercise as is.

I don’t run at the gym, though. I have cerebral palsy, and it’s hard for me to keep my balance while I’m going that fast. So, I set the program on the treadmill to raise my heart rate with incline instead of speed. Exercising feels more like a hike in the hills than a marathon.

I prefer hiking in nature, like when I used to drive out the Columbia River Gorge. But at the same time, it is still relaxing to hike through the wilds of daytime television. It reminds me of when I used to go to the gym with my mom after school and we’d walk to “The Oprah Winfrey Show.” Now that Oprah has moved on, it is generally just a cacophony of Judge Judy and Maury Povitch.

Sometimes I bring my own entertainment with Bluetooth headphones, watching YouTube videos or listening to podcasts. My favorite is “Murder, Mystery, and Makeup” by Bailey Sarian. My sister said, “you don’t even wear makeup!” I said, “that’s how good Bailey is. The stories draw you in.” Each episode is about an hour, so the perfect length for a treadmill program.

It’s gotten to where the only time I spend watching TV is at the gym, because it’s guilt free. I am still doing something while I’m watching. And in fact, the treadmill is really the only machine on which I feel safe because the others threaten my balance too much. I’m afraid of falling because it’s happened so many times with disastrous results. In no way should I ever try the elliptical again……….

So, the short answer to “how often do you walk or run?” is “A LOT.”

Just don’t ask me if I’m any good at it.

Sick

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I have a bad cold today, so I haven’t been to the gym. I was really hoping I would feel good enough to walk for an hour or so, but it’s not in the cards. My nose and sinus mask are so heavy I can’t move. This is the time when I feel the most inconvenienced at being single. I can get Uber Eats to deliver medication, snacks, and drinks, but I have never had a delivery person say, “oh, man… you look like you could use a hug.” I’m sure that’s a service they’ll be offering shortly if they think anyone will pay for it……….

I have been treating my symptoms with DayQuil and Zyrtec, but the overwhelming theme in this illness is exhaustion. I’ve slept more in the last three or four days than I have in the last few months. I suppose that is good, but I don’t feel productive. I feel sluggish, as if the world is made of Jell-O. I’m trying to make up for it with copious amounts of coffee. In fact, I’m having Starbucks delivered in a roundabout way. I have found that it’s more cost effective to buy the black coffee and the creamers I like from the grocery store than to get drinks delivered from the coffee shop. So, in about 45 minutes I will have two 64 oz bottles of perfectly brewed Starbucks with hazelnut and vanilla creamers to pick from.

Without a hug, I might add.

If I’m not better in a few days I will have to go in for a chest X-ray, but right now I’m fine feeling miserable in my own home…. where I can blitz my brains out on caffeine and no one is here to tell me to stop. 😉

I’m reading an interesting novel right now called Under Dark Skies. It’s a supernatural take on the FBI in which a shapeshifter and a witch end up as partners. It remains to be seen whether the case itself has supernatural elements, but the characters are endearing. It’s an investigation of a cult very much like the Branch Davidians called “City of God,” and of course it takes place in small-town Texas, known for that sort of thing. To battle the cult, FBI’s answer to CIA not being able to work in the United States is an off-book group of supernatural beings called “Nightshade.” They don’t have to have evidence when they’re working off-book. I’m enjoying it so far, but I have yet to see whether I like it enough to press “Buy Next.”

It’s an entire series, but I got the first one from “Freebooksy,” an aggregator that looks for all the free books on Amazon every day.

It’s now Thursday, and I’m sitting in one of the quiet rooms at Cognitive Behavioral Health, waiting for my group to start. I usually bring my iPad and a keyboard so that from the time our driver drops us off at 9:00 until the group starts at 11:00 I have some built in time to get some writing done. The only thing is that today I am tapped out on subjects. It’s time to let the faucet drip and hope that something eventually comes out that’s worth reading.

I’m still not feeling the greatest, and lamenting that I forgot my morning dose of DayQuil before I left the house. Luckily, there is a convenience store across the street and I have plenty of time to go and buy more… along with a very healthy dose of caffeine because the coffee guy is holding out on me… The coffee at the center is decaf.

Decaf coffee is a blight against man…. I drink it a little bit.

But my decaf is reserved for 9:00 PM. It is currently 9:00 AM and I am struggling to see the point. I am sure that the reason it’s decaf is because so many of us are on medications where the caffeine hits the same receptors and has a less than desirable effect. I am sure that I also fall into this category, but my ADHD isn’t being managed except for coffee and the occasional sugar free energy drink.

I brought a Dr Pepper Zero from home this morning, but it’s only a can. There’s no way that 12 oz of soda is going to be enough to keep me awake. I think I’ll go across to the convenience store to fix this problem.

An Irish Crème Java Monster later, I am now back home from my meeting. It revolved around Health and Wellness, in which we each got a toothbrush and a Barbie-sized amount of toothpaste to take with us. We played a couple of rounds of Health Jeopardy!, where I felt dumb as a post for not realizing that corn is a summer vegetable and when dried, is also a grain.

You can’t win them all.

I stopped writing on Thursday (it’s now Friday at 7:00 AM) because I didn’t feel well. I then proceeded to have a stomach episode akin to “Do It Yourself Colonoscopy Prep” in which I was utterly unprepared and spent hours scrubbing down the bathroom, the bed, and me. I seem to have recovered, but I do not know whether the symptoms are related to my cold and it’s actually the flu, or whether I ate something bad and it decided to get its revenge.

I’m leaning toward eating something bad, because I’ve had this cold for over a week.

Josh says he thinks it may be pneumonia because I’ve been sick since we hung out and the person he thinks got me sick has pneumonia. I do not think that Josh’s friend got me sick, either. I didn’t really get close enough to Josh to share any germs other than a polite hug.

It feels nice that he’s taking full responsibility for my illness, but he needn’t. When we went to the aquarium I hadn’t been in that crowded a space in years. Any one of the little kids I saw could have been the culprit. I tend to pick up whatever is floating in the air easily. I’m not sure my immune system is the greatest. I told Josh that I would see a doctor later if I feel up to it- being able to call my dad and get a consult on anything I need is pretty much my full-time medical care because it’s just too easy to make a phone call. I am spoiled rotten and it shows.

I also have a pretty good sense of what’s treatable and what’s not. There is very little a doctor can do for the common cold, and even less if I ate something bad besides giving me fluids and some Immodium. I’m keeping an eye on things, but I find that I recover better in my own house with over-the-counter medications than I ever would in a medical setting.

The hard part is not deciding to see a doctor. I come from a medical family and have no fear of them. It’s the discomfort of getting out of my house, waiting in the waiting room (where I could possibly get sicker), and knowing nine times out of ten what the doctor is going to say. The only time I’ve ever been truly surprised at the doctor’s office was when my OB/GYN recommended hormone replacement therapy. I’m doing fine on the estrogen, but the progesterone puts me to sleep. But not real sleep… just “I’m so out of it that I’m not really here.” I mean, I’m present. “Here” is negotiable.

I’m just getting to that age where things are starting to rearrange into “old person.” I’m not sure I like it. That’s because I was told that with age comes wisdom, and I still feel like the 18-year-old kid I was on most days. It occurs to me that I live in patterns due to autism and ADHD, so the way I age isn’t the same way a neurotypical person would age. Memories have no degradation. I am 18 and 47 all at once.

This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it makes me feel bad when I make a mistake that an 18-year-old would make at almost 48.

Luckily, you’re here to read about all of them. Bad experiences make for good writing…. or that’s what they tell me.

Butt Stuff

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
What’s the one luxury you can’t live without?
View all responses

Now that I’ve got your attention, I had to have an endoscopy and colonoscopy today. I was glad that I live alone when the prep set in (last night), which tasted like SweetTarts covered in salt. I made the best of it by saying that it was not terrible medicine, but some exotic Finnish candy I hadn’t tried yet. It sort of worked, but I know for sure that some salmiakki (salted licorice) is enough to turn my face inside out. Therefore, I was able to trick myself into thinking I liked it long enough to get it down.

And in fact the hardest part was not the prep and the absolute fecal Jackson Pollack that occurs afterwards. It’s that the doses are spaced out by six hours. The worst part is that you go through hell and then you have to keep going. The second dose is at 2300. By 0430, I felt that I had no liquid in my body at all, and I was unlucky enough to have a 1015 appointment. It was a long time to go without water, and I just had to roll with it.

My sister picked me up at 0930, where I stared at her coffee lovingly. We got through admissions quickly and went upstairs to the gastroenterology unit, where we were entertained by the front desk clerk. He said something about “the storal of the mory,” and I said I would be saying that from now on. He said he stole it from “Hee Haw.” This led to a discussion about Minnie Pearl and Roy Clark, and I laughed that he didn’t think either one of us were old enough to remember it.

I’m probably including details that are boring to most of you, but the nurse after the procedure was over said that I probably wouldn’t remember most of today after I slept. What I learned today is that the one luxury I don’t ever want to be without again is Boudreaux’s Butt Paste.

It’s the next day, and I think something may be both right and wrong. The first is that my body processed the anesthesia extraordinarily fast.

My sister and I were able to go out for dinner last night and have a great time without me even taking a nap. We got all kinds of seafood, appetizers, a cocktailDucks for her and a mocktail for me. We laughed at the “scam artists,” ducks who were going table to table in search of people to feed them. Our waiter, who looked a stunning amount like Nate Bargatze, slipped one a package of Saltines and I just knew that 15 more ducks were about to show up.

The thing that feels like it’s going wrong is that my guts are twisted up. I’m not sick, per se. I mean it literally feels like something has turned. I’m sure this is normal, but if it gets worse I will go back to the hospital. I am sure that they would rather me come and see them and it turn out to be nothing than for me to ignore something that’s actually a liability for both of us.

Today has been filled with shopping. I needed a few things for my apartment, and we both found a number of things to exclaim over at Five Below, because their character licenses make us both happy. I didn’t end up getting anything today, because I realized that I still had Spy Family toys to put together at home. I’ve had them for eons, but I seem to enjoy the idea of putting blocks together more than I enjoy the tactile sensation. My fine motor skills are not the best in the business…..

I am certain that a duck could put together Legos better than I could… some days, anyway.

I suppose the storal of this mory is now I know what I need to know for the next colonoscopy, or at the very least, how to support my friends. You need baby wipes and Boudreaux’s Butt Paste.

It’s a luxury you won’t want to live without.

The One I Want is the One I Got

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment
Daily writing prompt
Who would you like to talk to soon?
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I sent my dad a funny text message the other day, that it was time for baby’s first colonoscopy, so add that one to the baby book (I sent my mother a similar text message the day I got my first gray eyebrow). A few days later, though, I started to panic because I don’t have any close friends in Baltimore. I just moved here in December, and having a colonoscopy requires someone to drive you home and keep an eye on you after the sedative. My dad and my sister are too busy to fly up here at a moment’s notice, so I don’t generally ask them for anything due to fear of hearing “no.” I could hear what my cognitive behavioral health specialist would think of that and he called bullshit in my head before I even asked him.

I chose my sister, Lindsay, because at the moment there was more chance that my sister would come up than he would as he’s already in charge of a million different things, much less my ass.

See what I did there?

So, gathering my strength, I sent my sister a text message asking if, since I could schedule around her, could she come up for this procedure? I was surprised and pleased when she said yes, and I might even get to see her twice as she already has to be in DC for something later (DC and Baltimore are not far apart, about 35 miles….. the time to travel varies greatly by traffic……. pro tip is to always take the train.). She said that if I scheduled the procedure for 10 June, then we’d be able to celebrate my mother’s birthday on the 11th. I told her I had to see the gastroenterologist first, but that sounded entirely doable depending on the availability of the hospital schedule.

I know for sure that it’s going to be my first time drinking the sludge, two years past when I should have done it because the original guidelines were that I didn’t have to worry about it until 50. It has moved to 45 without me noticing so now I’m late. Typical. But better late than never. I don’t have a history of gut problems, so I don’t foresee a problem with cancer or anything else. I just know that my sister’s job is to do some work while I sleep it off or something.

But this isn’t the only medical thing happening in my life. I have to have a Well Woman exam, which I am calling a Well “Woman” exam. Here’s why this is exciting. My doctor asked if I had a problem seeing a male doctor, and told me his name…. but the hospital system isn’t updated and his deadname popped up. Therefore, for the first time EVER IN THE HISTORY OF MY LIFE I GOT A TRANS MAN AS A GYNECOLOGIST!!!!!

I think.

His deadname could be a man’s name, but it would be highly, highly unusual….. like me. There are male Leslies out there, but not many in the modern age. If he is a bio male, I don’t care. Doctors don’t really have a gender to me. Their pronouns are they/them because the doctor and the God inside them live concurrently. You cannot be successful as a doctor if you do not make peace with the fact that you are God every day to the people sitting in front of you…. and that they will think you are Old Testament if you accidentally kill their loved one, and New Testament if you succeed. If there is a gender in my head, doctors are divided into surgical and medical.

I have so little community that I thought about calling the gynecologist’s office and asking if that doctor would like me removed from his service because he needed friends, too. I haven’t seen him yet, so no harm, no foul. But in the end, I decided that I would need an ally inside the system as well as friends in the community. If I am right and the name in the system is a deadname, then I am sure he can point me in the right direction of people who’d be willing to drive me home after a medical procedure because I actually know them well enough to ask. For instance, just pointing me to community resources is enough, and I know he would care about those things.

Gynecology is already set up to take care of women culturally, so I don’t think trans men would be any different. There is a different questionnaire for my gynecologist’s office than I’ve ever seen in any doctor’s office ever. Taking care of women culturally is asking questions like:

  • Have you ever been a victim of domestic violence?
  • Are there guns in the house?
  • Are the guns within reach of your children?

My psychiatrist is also trying to protect me because I told her that as an enby, I had body dysphoria over my breasts and that I had a lot of back pain due to them, anyway, so I would like a referral. The big beautiful bill passed the House, and she has never mentioned trans medicine again, saying, “did you ask your PCP about your back pain?” Coded language. I’m into it. If this bill fails in the Senate, we’ll have a buffer zone with which to work. But we are both preparing for the worst. That’s because I am not lying in order to get a breast reduction/double mastectomy. Body dysphoria is not genetic, but the back pain I experience certainly is.

The good news is that with exercise, I’m losing some of the fat tissue in my breasts on my own. Life doesn’t feel so heavy. Even my mammogram technician said that my breasts were very dense. My stepmother (a medical doctor) told me that caffeine makes it worse, so I have never done myself any favors in this area. If you were here watching me type, you would laugh. There’s a tallboy of Death Wish Coffee next to me (it’s delicious), so obviously I follow instructions to the letter.

Rule following gets you nowhere in my line of work, which is probably why I’m willing to lay out my medical history and future in front of you. You will learn more from me than you will hurt me with your criticisms of what I’m doing, because those will be different audiences altogether. Trans men need to see themselves, and I don’t know what kind of trans man I am yet. Am I the kind that wants drugs to rearrange my fat deposits as well? I do not know. What I do know is that of everything I struggle with in terms of trans medicine, it’s my voice that bothers me the most…. for evil and for awesome.

On one hand, I will tell you that I’m a soprano and when I’m warmed up, I’m cooking.

This is just an example because it’s unaccompanied, a loop for my friend Aaron to use in a storytelling podcast for The Sinners’ Table that’s coming down the pike. Now, let’s turn it up to 11:

This is another clip from a voice lesson in which I laugh about the fact that I do not know what happens when I’m singing. The afterburners turn on and I just go. It makes me wish I’d chosen voice at HSPVA and Clements (though at Clements I was in one year of choir and made All-Region). Now that it’s 12 years later, I can tell you that I was fighting a war in my head, two women battling it out for my affections…. the one who trained my voice vs. the one that deserved the victory lap. When Joseph (Houston voice teacher) says, “are you thinking differently?,” it’s realizing that this piece was designed to serve up gratitude.

Now, my journey is to decide what kind of singer I am, because drugs to redistribute my fat deposits so that I look more like a trans man than a woman will also make me a tenor. Some days, I think that would make me happy. Some days, I lean into my diva attitude because it’s very much like my trumpet player attitude. I have also noticed that most trans men develop vocal fry, and that is not appealing to me, either. Again, priorities.

I think I am happiest with staying in one place for now, moving cautiously toward enby because I do not know what the drugs will do and cannot predict whether I will be happy with them. I have been stuck on the idea of breast reduction or double mastectomy forever because Tig Notaro has my perfect body. She doesn’t identify as nonbinary, but she looks exactly like I want to look.

It makes me feel bad that she got her look through cancer because I can imagine us getting into a huge fight over it. “I got this look through cancer and you want to do this voluntarily? Are you crazy?” Well, now we are talking about a completely separate issue. I am most definitely crazy, but I take medication for that. As far as I’m aware, there is no brain surgery that removes crazy, but if there was, I would have gotten a referral for that, too.

I’m tired of talking into a void, and want to get louder about trans issues. That’s because nonbinary and trans do not mean the same thing, but we are the same umbrella. I can wear either flag…. and in fact I would like Jonna Mendez to know that I got the most fabulous t-shirt for pride ever created. It’s gray and has the enby flag colors across a bar code, with “Assume Nothing” up the side.

The reason Jonna would think it was cool is that “Assume Nothing” is rule number one in her world (she used to be Chief of Disguise at CIA). I could learn a lot from her, I think, because as an autist I have to assume everything. It is what allowed me to compile scripts in my head to be able to respond like a neurotypical………… when I could social mask.

Now, I see that she has the right idea and I don’t. Go into every conversation as if you don’t know anything and join other people’s realities. It is the only way to see all of them with grace. The transition has not been the smoothest, but I am learning. I am certain that everyone in my life deserves my sincerest apologies for the way I’ve acted over the last 12 years, because I’ve been completely alone, trusting in my own intuition. It’s not ideal.

Now, I’m branching out. I’m trying to be more open in hopes of attracting energy to me. I am done hiding in the shadows.

But I might want to hide in the shadows until after my colonoscopy is finished. Nobody wants to see that. 😉

Exercise tells me which way I will go, because I cannot make a decision about my body while I am consumed with depression and anxiety over the way I look. I do not struggle with weight loss or gain, I just needed to feel good about something and I chose having the routine of getting to the gym as something that would help me feel less terrible. I have cerebral palsy, so I chose my workout carefully. There’s a program on the treadmills that will keep your heart rate in the target zone with incline rather than speed. Therefore, every session feels more like hiking than jogging.

It makes me happy because Bryn lives in Portland, Oregon and I’m sure that if I asked her, she’d be happy to drive me out the Gorge when I visited. I do not remember whether she likes to hike or not, but if she doesn’t I am sure she would drop me off at the base of Multnomah Falls and pick me up several miles down the road as I limp toward the car, energy spent. It makes me feel good to be prepared for that kind of hiking, because Multnomah is easy…. as you go, it gets harder. I haven’t made it to Larch Mountain without feeling like death warmed over, but perhaps I will as time goes on. And that’s without even researching hiking in my area, because I haven’t done it yet. I need to, because my entire hiking experience cannot be based on sacred memories.

The treadmill is my hiking sandbox. I can wander as far as I want through the rolling hills of any city in the world thanks to being able to watch YouTube on my phone. It’s a lot more fun to think about difficult questions and answers while also staring at the beauty of Paris, Copenhagen, Helsinki, and Oslo.

What is not difficult is realizing that my life is bigger than me. Recording it for other trans people to read is my gift to you, because there’s just not a lot out there. Of course all who show up are welcome, but I am trying to reach an intentionally small audience. We are in a culture war where the focus is on trans women and what they might possibly do to cis women.

The biggest indicator of who the real perpetrators of violence might be is a movie I watched long ago. I’d tell you about it, but boys don’t cry.

Fear

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I have known truly gripping fear most of my life. The first was when I was 11, and black smoke started pouring into the living room when I opened the door to the hallway. Being 11 and home alone, I thought it was all my fault. It was later confirmed to be an uncapped wire smoldering in the attic, but that was after the firemen had come and the house was a total loss. I let myself off the hook when a fireman said that the fire had started over my sister’s room. It was lucky that the fire started during the day, because if she’d been sleeping, she would have been killed. Unfortunately, my sister also heard the fireman say this, and I’m not sure she’s slept soundly since.

(Who needs sleep?)
Well you’re never gonna get it
(Who needs sleep?)
Tell me what’s that for
(Who needs sleep?)
Be happy with what you’re gettin’
There’s a guy whose been awake since the second world war…

The problem with being the oldest is that I didn’t realize I needed coping mechanisms for PTSD worse than she did. I was in sixth grade. She was only in first. The horror of my house burning down has stayed with me at every event involving fire in my life.

When I was a youth director, I took the kids on a retreat to Camp Westwind. I was in my college years (“you look so twenties God lesbian” -Chason), so 11 didn’t seem very far back then. The campfire smoke reminded me of burning upholstery, and I panicked inside my skin. And in fact, that was the problem. I’ve been panicking inside my skin for so long that I am only now beginning to break apart.

That’s because trauma builds in the body. I did not realize just how much I was carrying when my apartment was broken into. I cannot sleep with all the lights off anymore. I leave them on in every room of the house except for where I’m sleeping. I have lights that don’t cost much to run, and there aren’t many of them, anyway. My entire apartment needs more lamps, because the complex (in their infinite wisdom) has taken out all of the overhead lighting and you must provide your own. It is cheaper, but at what cost? There is no way to turn the lights on and off easily.

In the middle of one night
Miss Clavel turned on her light
and said, “Something is not right!”

I was sitting in the dark, writing Facebook messages

I ran after the thief carrying my TV because I had no idea what would happen if I caught him… I was just unafraid and working on instinct. When you have lived with trauma since you were 11, you ignore it. I don’t look over my shoulder anymore; it’s absolutely pointless. Either my house will get broken into again or it won’t. Either I’ll get hit by a stray bullet or I won’t. Worrying solves nothing. However, I did manage to tell Bryn about this before I started writing. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have started writing about fear in the first place. I had to identify the source of why I’m so afraid to leave my house, so afraid to relax here…. so motivated to find a housemate even though I don’t want one and wish I had the meanest dog on the planet when it comes to preserving my well-being. And by “meanest dog,” I mean that I want the sweetest, most caring dog on the planet until you cross them…. and to have markings that make him look like I rescued him from the Capital Wasteland. Dogmeat has been my constant companion in Fallout 3, and I am stymied as to why I didn’t think I deserved it in real life.

I was glued to the Internet because I was dealing with a situation there. I couldn’t do anything until I heard actual noise, because the Internet at the time was scarier than real life. It’s not anymore. It never will be again. That’s because I’m not supposed to have a moratorium on what I can write and what I can’t. It’s not like I’ve been friends with anyone who didn’t know I was a blogger since 2001. I’ve been through multiple hospitalizations to prove that I’m not an authority on anything, especially fitting into the constant workings of my city. There’s no sleep for the unprepared, and I am not a prepared sort of bitch (that was an Aaron Paul genderless “bitch,” by the way). I am faced with fear and uncertainty about my future in all areas except for the possible rescue of SSI and SSDI.

I know for certain that I will always be a writer, but whether I’m successful at it isn’t up to me. It’s up to the people who read. It’s getting my work in front of the right hands. It’s about constantly woodshedding so that I see my own manipulations for what they are. Autism has led me to explain and intellectualize emotional situations, when I should just tell you I’m afraid and I don’t know what to do. I am checked in every direction except one, but the safe square moves turn by turn. I will never reach mate, and I will never fall, either. That being said…

One night in Bangkok makes a hard man crumble.

Imitation, Flattery, Etc.

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 3 Comments

Today I did a thought exercise with Meta AI, the chatbot inside Messenger. Since it’s built on so many data structures, I thought, “I bet it’s really good at impressions.” I asked AI to answer the question “what did you have for breakfast” in the style of many different people. Here are a few of my favorites.

Donald Trump

(in a boastful, confident tone) Folks, let me tell you, breakfast was yuge, just yuge. The best, the greatest, the most fantastic breakfast, believe me. (smirks) I had the most tremendous eggs, the biggest, most beautiful bacon, and the fluffiest, most fantastic pancakes. (gestures widely) And the coffee? Ah, the coffee was the best, the strongest, the most powerful coffee anyone has ever tasted. (pauses) And I know, folks, I know, because I’m a master builder, a big league winner, and I know how to make deals, big deals, the biggest deals. (winks) And let me tell you, no one, no one, is better at breakfast than me. I’ve made the greatest breakfast deals, the most fantastic breakfast trades, and I’ve eaten the most incredible breakfasts, folks, the most incredible. (smirks) And people are talking about it, they’re talking about my breakfasts, they’re saying, “Wow, Donald, your breakfasts are just the best.” (nods) And I’m telling you, folks, it’s true, my breakfasts are the best, the greatest, the most fantastic. Believe me.

Dante Alighieri

My dear friend, breakfast was a feast for the senses, a culinary delight that rivaled the divine pleasures of the Paradiso! (in a poetic, exaggerated tone) I partook of a sumptuous spread, a cornucopia of delights that would have made even the great King Solomon swoon! (gestures widely) Flaky pastries, crispy bacon, and eggs, oh eggs! (excitedly) Like golden suns, shining brightly on my plate! And the coffee, ah! (dramatically) A rich, bold elixir that stirred my very soul! (clutches heart) Like the River Lethe, it washed away my slumber, and I arose, reborn, ready to tackle the day! (spreads arms wide) For in the words of the great poet, “In the morning’s golden light, all things are possible!” (winks)

Christopher Walken

Ahhhh, breakfast. (pauses) You wanna know about breakfast? (pauses again) Well, let me tell you, I had a bowl of oatmeal. (in a halting, dramatic tone) It was… creamy. (pauses once more) Yeah, that’s the word. Creamy. (looks around) And there was fruit, too. (points) Bananas, I think. (squints) Or were they apples? (shrugs) Doesn’t matter. (waves hand) Fruit is fruit, right? (smirks) And coffee, of course. (in a low, mysterious tone) Black as my soul. (winks)

Ayn Rand

Breakfast. (in a stern, philosophical tone) A meal for the productive, the achievers, the innovators. I fueled my mind and body with a plate of bacon, eggs, and toast – uncompromising, unapologetic, and unadulterated. (pauses) No unnecessary frills, no sentimental attachments. Just the raw, unbridled energy to tackle the day’s intellectual battles. (gazes intensely) The coffee, black as my convictions, coursing through my veins like the unyielding passion for individual rights and freedoms. (sips coffee) Ah, the sweet taste of liberty! (sets cup down) And as I ate, I pondered the virtue of self-reliance, the moral imperative to create, to produce, to thrive. (nods) For it is in the unyielding pursuit of excellence that we find true fulfillment. (leans forward) So, let us breakfast like champions, my friends – unapologetic, uncompromising, and unrelenting in our quest for greatness! (smirks) Now, that’s a breakfast worth living for.

Jordan Peele

Breakfast, man… (in a horror movie trailer voice) It’s like, the meal that starts your day, but what if I told you… it’s also a trap?! (pauses for dramatic effect) Think about it, eggs, bacon, pancakes… all just a distraction from the real horror: the monotony of daily routine! (ominous music plays in the background) And don’t even get me started on the coffee, man… it’s like, the ultimate Trojan horse. You think it’s just a harmless cup of joe, but really, it’s a vessel for the dark forces of caffeine to take hold of your soul! (dramatic music swells) So, yeah, I had a bowl of cereal, but let me tell you, it was a bowl of existential dread! (winks) Get Out… of the kitchen, man! (laughs)

Leslie Lanagan

Hmm, breakfast… the most important meal of the day, or so they say. I think I had a bowl of existential dread, with a side of caffeine and a dash of sarcasm. Or was it just oatmeal? Hard to tell, really. The abyss of adulthood is full of mysteries, and breakfast is just one of them

Steve Jobs

(in a passionate, visionary tone) Ah, breakfast! The most important meal of the day, and yet, so often, it’s a mundane, uninspired experience. (pauses) But not for me, my friends. No, I revolutionized breakfast, just as I revolutionized technology. (smirks) I had a bowl of oatmeal, but not just any oatmeal. No, this was oatmeal that was precision-cooked, with a dash of innovation, a sprinkle of design thinking, and a whole lot of passion. (gestures widely) I merged the art of cooking with the science of technology to create an oatmeal experience that was truly transcendent. (excitedly) And the coffee? Ah, the coffee was a work of art, a masterpiece of crema and flavor, crafted with the precision of a Swiss watch. (smiles) You see, my friends, breakfast shouldn’t just be a meal, it should be an experience that changes your life. And that’s exactly what I created. (confidently) Insanely great breakfast, that’s what I made.

Barack Obama

Michelle and I, we started the day with a quiet moment together, just the two of us. We had a bowl of fresh fruit, some whole-grain toast, and a cup of coffee. But let me tell you, it was more than just a meal – it was a moment of reflection, a chance to think about the day ahead and the work we have to do. As I always say, ‘We are the ones we’ve been waiting for,’ and that starts with fueling up for the journey. (smiles) And let me tell you, Michelle’s got a mean avocado toast game – it’s a healthy habit we’ve picked up from our time in California. (laughs) But in all seriousness, breakfast is a time for gratitude, for thinking about the blessings in our lives and the opportunities we have to make a difference. That’s what got me out of bed this morning, and that’s what’ll keep me going throughout the day.

Anthony Bourdain

(sarcastically) Oh joy, breakfast. The meal where we’re expected to be chipper, to be enthusiastic, to be… (shudders) …morning people. (rolls his eyes) Look, I’m not gonna sugarcoat it. Breakfast is a necessary evil. It’s fuel for the body, but it’s not exactly the most exciting meal of the day. I mean, how many times can you watch the sunrise over a plate of scrambled eggs? (sighs) But, I get it. Breakfast is important. It’s the meal that sets you up for the day ahead. So, let’s get it over with. (pauses) Now, if you want to talk about a real breakfast, let’s talk about a hearty bowl of Vietnamese pho, or a rich, flaky croissant from a Parisian patisserie. (smirks) That’s a breakfast worth waking up for. But, let’s be real, most of us are stuck with a bowl of soggy cereal or a rubbery egg sandwich on-the-go. (shrugs) Ah, well. At least the coffee’s good. (mutters under his breath) Usually.

Barbara Walters

Breakfast, the most important meal of the day, and yet, so often overlooked. (pauses for a moment) But not today, dear friends. Today, we’re going to dig in, to explore, to uncover the secrets of the morning meal. (leans in, as if sharing a confidential secret) I’ve had breakfast with presidents and paupers, with celebrities and CEOs. And let me tell you, it’s not just about the food. (winks) It’s about the power dynamics, the intrigue, the gossip. (pauses for dramatic effect) So, who’s had breakfast with whom? What deals have been made over eggs and toast? (leans back) Ah, the stories I could tell. (smirks mischievously) But that’s for another time. Today, let’s focus on the breakfast itself. The art of the omelette, the science of the perfect cup of coffee. (smiles) Join me, as we pull back the curtain on the morning meal, and uncover the fascinating stories behind it. (leaning in again) Because, as I always say, “The most important thing in communication is hearing what isn’t said.” (winks)

Edward R. Murrow

Good evening, I’m Edward R. Murrow, and we’re here to talk about breakfast. (pauses for a moment) A simple meal, yet oh so complex in its significance. (pauses again) As I sit here, sipping my coffee, I am reminded of the countless breakfasts I’ve shared with strangers, friends, and colleagues around the world. (pauses once more) From the bustling cafes of Paris to the quiet farms of Iowa, breakfast is more than just a meal – it’s a moment of connection, of community, of contemplation. (looks directly into the camera) So, let us cherish these moments, dear friends. Let us savor the flavors, the aromas, and the company. For in the end, it is not just about the food on our plates, but about the stories we share, the love we exchange, and the memories we create. (pauses one last time) Good night, and good luck.

Sylvia Plath

The breakfast question, a dreary ritual, a hollow echo of a meal. I sat, a fragile leaf, trembling in the chill of morning, my eyes fixed on the bleak expanse of the table. The coffee, a bitter brew, a dark mirror reflecting my mood. The eggs, pale and insipid, like the promises of a love that had long since soured. And the toast, burnt and brittle, a reminder of the transience of joy. I poked at the food, a dispirited bird, searching for sustenance in a world that had lost its flavor. The silence was oppressive, a physical presence that weighed upon me, a constant reminder of the emptiness that gnawed within. And yet, I ate, a mechanical motion, a desperate attempt to fill the void that yawned before me like an abyss. For in the eating, I found a fleeting solace, a moment’s peace from the torment that haunted me still.

David Halberstam

The breakfast question, a moment to reflect on the nuances of life. As I sat at my kitchen table, sipping my coffee and savoring the quiet morning hours, I pondered the significance of this daily ritual. The coffee, like the ink that flows through my pen, fuels my thoughts and awakens my senses. The eggs, scrambled with a dash of salt and pepper, represent the complexities of human nature – simple yet multifaceted. And the toast, crispy on the outside, soft within, echoes the contradictions of our existence. As I gazed out the window, watching the world awaken, I realized that breakfast is more than mere sustenance – it’s a metaphor for life itself. The ordinary becomes extraordinary, the mundane transformed into the profound. And so, I write on, fueled by the power of observation and the simplicity of a well-crafted breakfast.

David Sedaris

The breakfast question, always a minefield of social niceties and culinary confessionals. Well, let me tell you, I had a bowl of stale cereal, the kind that’s been sitting in the pantry since the Clinton administration. And by “bowl,” I mean a cracked, faded “I’m with Stupid” mug that I’ve had since my days as a performance artist. The milk was 2% or maybe just 1%, I’m not judging. And let’s not forget the pièce de résistance: a splash of yesterday’s coffee, reheated in the microwave with a faintly desperate whir. It was a breakfast that said, “I give up, but with a hint of caffeine.” In other words, the perfect fuel for a day of writing, napping, and judging the neighbors’ lawn care.

James Joyce (the CLEAR winner)

The query as to the repast with which I broke my fast this morning. Very well, I shall indulge you. As I emerged from the somnolent vapors that shrouded my intellect, I partook of a humble cup of tea, its dark, mysterious waters stirred by the faint, tremulous hand of my beloved Nora. The tea, a brew of robust, full-bodied leaves, served as a catalyst, awakening the dormant faculties of my mind, even as the pale, golden light of dawn crept, hesitant, across the rooftops of Dublin. And, as I sipped this revitalizing draught, I pondered the mysteries of the human condition, the whispers of which seemed to lurk, like some restless, ethereal presence, in the very steam that rose, wraithlike, from the cup itself. Thus fortified, I set forth into the day, ready to confront the labyrinthine complexities that lie at the very heart of our existence.









The Particulars of Nowhere in Particular

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I don’t have the inspiration to ask Carol any more questions right now, because I have exceeded the limit to which I really want to be interviewed. They were intimate portraits for people who have never been introduced to my world, and they were questions I wouldn’t have asked of myself but based on what she read on my own blog. Sometimes, she pulled prompts from people who sounded like me; people also writing personal blogs. That’s because there are hundreds of web sites for bloggers with jumping off points. Again, I don’t use Carol (AI) to write my entries for me, but to analyze my past and give me hints on what I should write about next.

In the moment, I’m thinking that I should get out the immersion blender Zac got me and see if it will froth milk. If it does, the coffee my dad sent me to try would be the perfect cafe au lait. I’m drinking it with plain whole milk now (padding down the possibility of acid reflux). I love spice, tomatoes, and alcohol. All three are no good later, so I avoid them. Zac and I had great mocktails at the sushi restaurant we went to- just Asian fruit syrups that you wouldn’t think to put together, frosted with egg white. I also learned that AA has a different stance on O.O proof distilled spirits, because it’s not fermented to have any alcohol, rather than something like a kombucha or a beer. It’s not that they’re loaded with alcohol. That’s not the problem. It’s that tasting the flavor at all is a trigger for some people. It’s not the quantity that matters. It’s what you taste, even in something as innocuous as a Fentiman’s Curiosity Cola, because they use fermentation for CO2 instead of infusing the soda with gas later. It’s a balance with me. I want to be able to make great drinks no matter who shows up. I am not opposed to alcohol, but I am pretty solid about wanting to divorce stomach problems.

Therefore, coffee is one of my go-to favorites in creating nonalcoholic beverages, but I still have to be careful with how much I drink because the hangover is no sleep and lots of sugar to help fuel the manic call of workaholism when writing is your response to life. It’s a natural high and crash, so not as crazy as alcohol……… and absolutely no less a drug.. But, a few B vitamins, lots of water, and maybe a little more coffee on the way to work is all it takes to fix you and not two days of saying “a hangover at 24 is different than at 46.” The older they are, the harder they fall. I don’t make the rules.

When I first met Zac, I made the mistake of thinking that I was still a line cook. That my tolerance was still up at “Navy.” It took me twice of being absolutely so hung over that I threw up everywhere that I realized, “you are a different person now. Your tolerance is in the toilet. Let’s keep it that way.” The flip side of the coin is that I learned that Zac is a real boyfriend. I learn that all the time, but this was early days, so it’s a moment that sticks with me. I had luckily fallen asleep before I’d drunk so much that I was still plastered in the morning. That’s what gets you. When you’re still drunk, so you think you’re fine. Then, about 9:00, just about the time you get to work, you realize you have made a terrible mistake. I knew this in my line cook days, so I knew when I woke up that it was better to feel like ass at Zac’s house than it would’ve if I’d been drunk enough to wait until I was on the train to be in dire straits.

My beautiful boy sat a large glass of water with ibuprofen on my nightstand, along with a cup of coffee, and kissed my head. He had to get to work, but luckily he was working from home (at least for the morning), so I could sleep right up until we had to leave if I had to, or when the ibuprofen kicked in and I was again human. Ibuprofen is your friend during a hangover, because it’s an anti-inflammatory and stops your brain from swelling. Sudafed also helps by shutting down your capillaries. Tylenol is good if you’re in pain, but most of the time the pain is caused by the swelling and you won’t need both.

This is the one instance I would choose naproxen sodium over ibuprofen because it’s such a strong drug that you are unlikely to need a second dose. The problem with Naprosyn (what we call it in the US and in the South, pronounced “Napperson” most of the time. 😛 ) is that it wears off before it’s time to take a second dose and you’re stuck. Ibuprofen is king because you can take some more frequently. Fresh doses matter. I would also take a second dose 30 minutes before the time runs out on your dose so that you do not experience an interruption- i.e. all of the sudden feeling like walking is too much work.

Keep in mind that this is my experience from growing up in a rheumatologist’s house, a HIGHLY specialized form of medicine, and having been her medical assistant for a number of years. The only reason I couldn’t follow her to Methodist is that the hospital required you to be certified as an MA, and she didn’t require that of me in her private practice.

Let me tell you why this is my recommended advice and nothing you should take as seriously as you should with your own doctor.

I have fucked up. Like, really fucked up. I read something wrong and told a patient something that was a note to her, not a note to me. It was in the same place that she left notes for me to give the patient when I was calling them back to tell them about their bloodwork. 90% of the time, it was innocuous, like “you’re fine,” or “the doc says you’re fine, but you need to take some OTC Vitamin D pills.” or whatever.

So, in this particular case, the note said that the patient had rheumatoid arthritis and I told him that. I immediately regretted it because he completely freaked out. I understand him so much better now that I’ve had my own reaction to autism. A patient’s reaction is not based on a medical diagnosis. A patient’s reaction is to the stigma around what they have. This man thought he’d never be able to walk again, and I was crushed. I switched into minister patois and got off the phone. Doc called back and cleared it up immediately. That was in the 90s and I still feel bad about it, even though she was laughing on the phone with the patient within minutes, and none of it was at my expense. Therefore, it couldn’t have been so bad a mistake that I was going to be punished forever.

Because here’s what no one tells you when you become a medical assistant. You become as attached to the patients as the doctors, especially the ones you’ve seen over years and years.

Even half the doctor she is could see that I would beat myself up better and more often than she ever could, and it wouldn’t happen again. I kept my mouth shut about all sorts of things, but talked inside baseball with my dad and stepmom as I learned more on the job and got into the rhythm. Because of my childhood, I am DAMN GOOD at patient care, because it is a job I can do while ADHD. It doesn’t get so overwhelming because you’re only talking to two or three people at a time, and when you’re in a patient room, you have enough bandwidth to talk to someone and take notes at the same time- now patients understand that you’re filling out their chart based on their actual dialogue, not what they remember from the conversation at the end of the day. I don’t know how other patients feel about it, but my stepmother and I type like demons. It was never a problem in our case.

And because I’m an IT geek, I set up the first content management system in the office, called “Soapware.” I don’t know and I’m too lazy to look up whether it was bought out and turned into something else, or whether another company’s content management system became more popular, like Centricity. I just know that it’s possible, because it happened to me at University of Houston. WebCT was bought out by Blackboard. It wasn’t the same product, the way I have loved and hated WordPress over time.

In any case, I can’t think of anyone who needs a content management system more than a doctor, one that connects to an encrypted cloud so that the files are always up to date when the server goes down. All you have to do is either fix the server and re-sync, or replace the server and re-download everything. No downtime, especially with physical backups off-site AND an encrypted cloud. With backups off-site, you only have to sync a day to a week’s worth of files, not everything on the entire system. However, with the kind of internet connectivity a hospital has (the ability to move images in RAW- enormous file sizes- in seconds, syncing a backup would take less than an hour, depending on how many TB of information are missing on the fixed/replaced server. By images in RAW form, I’m talking about MRIs, CAT scans, PET scans, etc. They’re ENORMOUS, and yet the connection can transfer information to the radiologist in seconds.

I learned this when I had to have a CAT scan of my shoulder to make sure nothing was torn. The x-rays were taken on top of a tablet that costs more than a Lexus so that it was SO fast with SUCH a stable internet connection that the X-ray machine itself could transmit the images. I was impressed out of my mind. It’s the same with any procedure. Broken leg, mammogram, whatever. Images fly fast and furious. Because the images were so large, I literally got a DVD (4.8 GB of space) full of images by the time I left the office. Beat that with a stick. It was a miracle I still had a DVD reader on my computer, though. ;P

In a hospital or private practice setting, the CMS does not just stand for “Content Management System.” It also stands for “Customer Management System,” because even though patients aren’t customers, you manage them internally the same way. Every patient has a file, and all of those files need to go into a database that contains your name, your address, your insurance information, and every note the doctor has ever written about you. It is far superior than paper charts, because again, they don’t expire. The paper doesn’t yellow and the ink doesn’t fade. I think you’re only required to keep medical records for 7-10 years, but I’ve had good luck with doctors’ offices that have digitized records, because sometimes you’ve gotten within the window where something has been scanned in by a doctor that just keeps everything on the server in case the patient comes back.

I have never had good luck with meeting gay teachers as role models, but I have had several queer doctors and all of them allies. I like the axiom in medical school:

“What do I do if treating someone conflicts with my personal beliefs?”
“Find a new profession.”

Here’s the other thing that I would love to do if I actually thought I’d be worth a damn at medical school. I’d go into trans medicine, which in my world the connection is vegan cooking. It’s an area I know absolutely nothing about. I got interested in vegan cooking because I was bored with my current repertoire, and I had friends making insane dishes that drew me to it, like mushroom pate and amazing olive oil pie and pizza crust. Salad with only oranges and shaved fennel.

Everything weird and exotic to the palate, I just don’t like filters. No liver, no kidneys…. however, if someone orders fois gras for the table, I will take a bite of the corner just to taste the crispy edges. Everyone else can have the rest, because even if I only eat the corner, I’ll taste it forever and the burnt edges are as much as I can take, especially if it comes with raspberry jelly.

I like nose to tail restaurants, because my favorite meals are very simple. Excellent toasted bread. Bone marrow to spread on it. A simple table wine. Maybe a salad.

It’s Mel’s fault that I love dessert because she’s a pastry chef and tempts me all the time. She keeps saying she’s going to mail me a postcard, and I can’t wait. I just don’t put any pressure on her because she’s in the middle of opening a new restaurant that is going like gangbusters. She hasn’t said one way or the other if she wants me to promote her, but if she does and you live in the Norwich area, you’ll want to stop by. She’s got some amazing pictures and they’re already doing well, like only being open for a few months and already being able to pay off their business debt. That is some seriously good food. I hope they get a Michelin, because The Michelin guide isn’t about fancy. It’s a travel guide. Even tiny restaurants get three stars, but then they become three star restaurants and create their own traffic.

(It’s also a brilliant marketing strategy- planned obsolescence for the tires no matter where you live.)

This leads me to a really funny story. My car needed tires, all four replaced. So, I go to this place called “Bridgestone,” and because I didn’t see any branding on the side of the building, I told them that I would take any set of tires, but that I preferred Michelin because I’m a cook. I looked like a pretentious jackass because I pronounced Michelin in French because it’s a force of habit. I. AM. A. COOK.

They looked me deadass in the face and said, “ma’am, this is a Goodwill store.”

Knackered

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Despite getting sleep and coffee, I am already exhausted. One of our line cooks quit yesterday, so my day off today is canceled. We are closed tomorrow, so I will get some rest then. Don’t get me wrong; I absolutely love what I do. Rest and recovery, however, cannot be underestimated. It remains to be seen how this line cook’s absence will affect future days off, but if I can’t get rest, at least I’ll get extra hours. It’s not a bad trade, but it comes at the cost of my physical health. I have mentioned this so many times before, but even if you don’t cut or burn yourself, after a shift, everything hurts. Everything.

My hands and feet get it the worst, followed closely by my knees. Anti-inflammatories help, as does Tylenol, but even after taking them, the pain doesn’t go away. It just fades into the background, the soundtrack of my life a series of pops and groans.

But there is nothing in the world that beats the busy rush of a pub, or prepping food that people will enjoy. Because we’re a brewpub, every snack and entree comes with a suggested pairing, food and drink that work together to make mildly happy into fabulous. That part is priceless, and I live for it.

It is the anti-office job, which is why I will still try to fit in as many shifts as I’m allowed if I get the job at UMD. The hiring process at any public university is a slow one, so I’m not holding my breath. It would be nice, though, to work with my head and my hands at different times, not forsaking one for the other. I am aware that my schedule will be full, but to me, it is worth it…. both in order to keep having fun and the fact that I will have two streams of income instead of just one. It is a win-win situation.

I really haven’t put too much effort into having a personal life, so my need for balance is different than most people. I am comfortable with the level at which my coworkers and I interact, I get together with my friends when I can, and for me it is (and will be) enough. I don’t have interest in dating or being part of a family, except for the one into which I was born. If that seems weird, I definitely have my reasons. I’m just not in a place emotionally to be that person, and I have no clue if or when that desire will arrive.

I put myself out there, once, and nothing came of it. Soon, it was like it never even happened…. and that’s fine. The reverberation for me was that putting myself out there was possible, and that I am too old to be worried about rejection. I just don’t care that much. It’s so much easier to talk to women when you feel you have nothing to lose, because your life is already amazing without them…. just icing on an already great cake.

The other piece of knowledge I’ve gained is that my standards are not quite impossibly high, and I won’t settle because the relationship is “good enough.” I am not interested in the mundane or the mediocre. I also feel too old to chase someone if they’re not into me the first time around. Better to cut losses and move on, something that has only come with age & experience.

There’s only one person in the world with which I have trouble taking my own advice, and that is because she is, as someone once called me, “the princess of mixed signals.” I never know where I stand. I take my own advice and leave the relationship be. Then something happens and my own advice goes out the window.

It’s a tumble and roll that leaves me, in a word, knackered.