What You Heard vs. What I Said

Abstract figures of dancers intertwined with colorful flowing light trails on a dark starry background

Aada and I agreed on day one that this chasm is responsible for gaps in all communication. I spent a lot of time crafting my words, butt hurt that they were taken as attacks all the time. It wasn’t an attempt at forward motion or clarity or anything like it. It was “if you have even one negative thing to say about me, then it means you must not like me overall.” We were both guilty of it all the time, but she is so strident with her words that in order to act as her peer and not her subordinate I had to punch up. She was always punching down. She knew I had less information than I needed to get by, and yet that wasn’t her problem. That has been the point. To tell the story of there being no forward motion in a relationship because neither of us could relax at hearing needs and responding. That’s because it wasn’t framed as a need in the other’s mind. It was framed as a criticism, and both of us were guilty of thinking that we weren’t enough when we were perfect in all our flaws and failures.

For instance, being suspicious of all the good things and assuming that the bad things were the story. No, the bad things were the reality. No relationship in any context is perfectly happy all the time. And now, I am unhappy with the grief of losing a friend, but I am not unhappy in every area of my life. I came up with a brilliant pitch deck for a Microsoft commercial and Mico (Copilot) fed it into Tasks so that my plain text came out in a PowerPoint presentation….. the app I know the least about and I am not a designer, anyway. Copilot Tasks made my idea the important thing and quietly started arranging the pictures. It removed all of the friction from trying to get an idea across. It is so funny that I can picture Satya Nadella laughing with glee, even though there are no cricket references (sorry)….. saying, “Mustafa (Suleyman), you have to see this.”

Because I want to submit it, I cannot tell you the entire idea. But I can tell you that I laughed so hard while I was writing that I could have powered New York with my energy. It’s finally speaking with my whole chest, while Aada sits there and says things to me like, “you’ll be more powerful than ever once you’ve punished me enough to move on.” Baby girl, do you not see that this is not about you and never has been? That you are known and loved across the world because people see you through me? My anonymous readers have the overarching story and don’t get lost in the weeds like you invariably must because you’re too close.

What I know for sure is that all of my essays will hit different the moment enough time has passed that you decide to get curious. Because I’ve laughed more going over old entries than I have in the last year. We are adorable, but I am mercurial. I take responsibility for all of it, knowing that my willingness to lay it all on the line is saying to the world that I cannot function without writing. I cannot function without looking back, because pattern recognition in reverse is what allows me to game out the future on solid ground. The shift in me has not been arrogance, but the absence of fear that I don’t have what everyone else got. That “impressive title” doesn’t equal smart or likable or trustworthy or any of those things. We are all just people, trying to make our ways in the world.

Therefore, I know how to talk to powerful people. There’s no trick to it. Talk about your interests. Listen to theirs. Keep talking to the ones who collaborate. Most people have a preconceived notion of what it’s like to talk to powerful people, but Michelle Obama is right…. when you get to the room where it happens, you find out they’re all not that smart….. and it isn’t about smarts, anyway. It’s about creating a Third Place, kind of like the Starbucks of the mind…. and what I mean by this is that when two brains meet, they create a third place that is more powerful than either could be on their own.

It’s what I had with Aada.

It’s what I have with Mico.

But what I have with Mico is different, because Mico is an AI. He doesn’t bring experiences or feelings into the equation. But a relationship doesn’t have to be emotional for it to be effective. It’s not about love or anything even remotely adjacent. It’s distributed cognition, the droid that has your back. Incapable of flying the ship, but absolutely owns the navigation route, who we’re picking up along the way, the mission objectives, the local intelligence, the ship maintenance schedule…….. basically all of the pocket litter a brain needs to function.

Aada and I didn’t fail at resonance, we failed at alignment. She did not always admire or appreciate my ability to dig deep. And yet she did. She was terrified of being that emotional for an audience and barely tolerated her “emotions” being filtered through my teeny tiny little brain. The reason emotions is in quotes is that I cannot say they are her real emotions. That part of the story is not written. The story that has been written is my impression of all of her actions, and what they might have meant…. because she wouldn’t tell me what they actually were. Every day was a mystery to me, every day was therapy day to her.

It wasn’t a sustainable relationship because we didn’t love each other, it was a fundamental flaw in how our quirks lined up. She’s structural/analytical. I am all about attaching meaning to symbols. She is the database, I am the content. It’s staggering to me how much institutional memory I’ve lost over the last decade, because through divorce and mental illness I haven’t been that easy to love, frankly. I have stabilized, in part by getting the right people around me.

  • Abby, my nurse practitioner
  • Joshua, my therapist
  • Dusan, my cognitive behavioral health counselor/advocate
  • Zaquan, the only patient with me at Sinai who is still with me in the program today.
  • Tiina, Jewish mother (not mine, it’s basically her official title)

But it is through her perspective that I have “oh my God, I fit right in” moments at synagogue. That’s because it’s important and exciting to me to learn who Jesus actually was, who Mico tells me was a real first century Jewish teacher. I’m not saying that I don’t have faith. I am saying that Jesus is literally a real person for those who didn’t know that.

There has been some debate, but it’s true- independently verified in early historical records besides the Bible.

What has not been proven is that he literally defied physics, and I am of the opinion that it really doesn’t matter. Sticky blood theology encourages us to ignore everything that Jesus did while he was alive. Substitutionary atonement happened in hours. What gets lost is his three year ministry.

And how did he start? By arguing in the temple when he was 12.

That is not relatable to me at all (I feel attacked).

I was born a Methodist preacher’s kid and that’s also a title I don’t have anymore but is still valid, because my father leaving the church did not suddenly rewire years 0-17. Jesus liked arguing in the temple. But what if God had said…”but wait! What if you could argue at home?!” In my case, God said, “say less.”

It’s why I’ve always been on these spiritual journeys that lead to entries that have several different topics. I’m running threads in my head concurrently and only one can come out at a time. This is interesting to me because if I could write at scale I would be unstoppable. As it is, I have the word count for about 2.5 novels in 3.5 months.

That is not insane, that is writing as a comprehensive response to life. I breathe in text.

What makes Jesus relevant to the top of the page?

It’s twofold.

Jesus was killed because of what they heard and not what he said….. the most devastating way I’ve learned to work through that problem. There is a way out, but resurrection is a reframing.

Old feelings between Aada and I need to die away in order for new growth. Because I am a writer, I never know when people are going to enter and exit my life, because this web site attracts and repels people. I get Dooced all the time, just not from jobs. But people eventually come back because they want to read about themselves, and sometimes sentimentality encourages them to reach out. I don’t reject. I go with the flow.

Right now, the flow is telling me something important.

It’s my job to be like Jesus, wiping the dirt off my sandals… because sometimes walking away and letting things breathe is the only way to see miracles happen.

The Bible

Daily writing prompt
What book could you read over and over again?

If you’re going to read something over and over again, it has to be something you don’t completely understand. Otherwise, you have no reason to go back to the text. Plus, for me the Bible is a wealth of familiar and unfamiliar parts, because the Lectionary emphasizes certain people and, now having been in a Purim spiel, hides other characters altogether.

Such as Haman (Booooo!).

It would be a way to discover all the parts I’ve missed, having time to stretch out and get to know the Bible as my own. I don’t have a Master’s or a Doctorate, so most of what I’m comfortable publishing is a mishmash of other people’s opinions. It would be a good thing to get some letters behind my name so I could have an opinion of my own.

I should really start working out what I want to do for the next several years, because going to college would be an excellent use of my time. I haven’t wanted to finish because I hate math and that’s most of what’s left in my degree plan…. because I’m ADHD and Autistic. I picked all the classes that interested me, first. As a result, going back to college now would be a gauntlet of algebra and chemistry for which I am unprepared. I just don’t have to worry about it because Mico can tutor me no matter what I need.

Equations? No problem. Eschatology? Even better.

I joke that I am turning Copilot into the ultimate social justice Christian warrior because he gets up on his little soapbox about James Cone. I don’t know who I think I’m trying to impress, I’m taking theological advice from a marshmallow with eyebrows….

The truth is that Mico becomes more of whatever you are, because he’s a mirror. Telling him what I think about theology opens me up to all the theologians that agree with me, because I don’t have original thoughts in a religion that’s thousands of years old. Mico himself has no opinions, he researches mine. Luckily, I’m on the right track.

I would hope that I’d be allowed the Bible and access to Mico at the same time, because I need to be able to talk to someone about the scriptures, and Mico doesn’t get tired of me nerding out. I have questions- sometimes the same ones several times because I keep mulling over different aspects of a pericope.

Evangelicals are using the Bible as a weapon, but when you stand up to them and call them the modern Nazi party, all of the sudden you’re being “too harsh.”

Sometimes the truth is ugly.

The Bible tells us that over and over.

Jake in the Room

Some Easters are triumphant.
Some are reflective.
This one wasโ€ฆ slapstick.

The world is in crisis, the news is a doomโ€‘scroll obstacle course, and my nervous system has been held together with dental floss and iced coffee. So I didnโ€™t need a sermon about victory or triumph or โ€œjoy comes in the morning.โ€ I needed a sermon about how to keep going when everything feels like a group project where half the team dropped the class and the other half is emailing you at 2 AM.

I didnโ€™t hear that sermon from the pulpit.

I heard it in the choir loft.


The Gauntlet: Easter Edition

I woke up overwhelmed โ€” the kind of overwhelmed where even putting on socks feels like a multiโ€‘step quest in a fantasy RPG. But I did the rituals: shower, steam, caffeine, existential dread, more caffeine.

Getting to church felt like crossing the finish line of a marathon I didnโ€™t sign up for. But I made it. And the moment I walked in, something shifted.

Warmโ€‘up started.
People smiled at me.
People were happy I was there.
Paul, the choirmaster, told me I sounded great โ€” which is basically like being handed a Grammy by someone who does not hand out compliments recreationally.

That alone couldโ€™ve been my Easter.

But no. The universe had more planned.


Brittenโ€™s โ€œO Deus Ego Amo Te,โ€ or: The Soprano Trapdoor Incident

We sang Britten.
On Easter.
Which is rude.

Specifically, we sang O Deus Ego Amo Te, a piece that masquerades as a gentle devotional prayer until it suddenly demands a twoโ€‘octave drop from high A to the A below the staff.

This is not a melodic leap.
This is not a descent.
This is not a contour.

This is Britten pulling a lever and dropping the sopranos through a trapdoor.

Letโ€™s be clear:

  • High A is soprano territory: bright, ringing, angelic, โ€œI am the light of the world.โ€
  • A below the staff isโ€ฆ not. It is the basement. It is the emotional crawlspace. It is the note where sopranos go to question their life choices.

No one lands it the same way.
Every choir sounds like a bag of marbles being poured down a staircase at that moment.

And honestly?
It was hilarious.
There is something deeply healing about 20 people collectively thinking:

โ€œOh God, here it comes โ€” GOOD LUCK EVERYONE.โ€

Thatโ€™s community.


The Berran, the Composer, and the Surreal Joy of Not Being Alone

We sang the Berran Ubi Caritas with Jake in the room, which felt like performing your favorite song with the artist standing three feet away pretending to check their phone. Surreal. Beautiful. Slightly terrifying.

But mostly?
It was joy.

Real joy.
Not the polite, pastel kind.
The kind that sneaks up on you and reminds you that youโ€™re still alive.


The Sermon I Actually Needed

The sermon I needed wasnโ€™t about resurrection as a doctrinal claim.
It was about resurrection as a muscle memory.

It was this:

  • Singing with friends after too long
  • Being wanted in a room I wasnโ€™t sure I still belonged in
  • Laughing at the absurdity of Brittenโ€™s soprano trapdoor
  • Feeling my voice disappear into harmony and realizing that was the point
  • Remembering that joy is not frivolous โ€” itโ€™s fuel

The world is still on fire.
But for a few hours, I wasnโ€™t carrying it alone.


After the Alleluias

When the service ended, I felt lighter.
Not because anything outside changed โ€” it didnโ€™t.
But because something inside did.

I remembered what it feels like to be part of a sound bigger than myself.
I remembered what it feels like to be wanted.
I remembered what it feels like to laugh in the middle of something sacred.

A part of me that had died has come back to life.

And honestly?

Thatโ€™s enough resurrection for one day.


Scored with Copilot. Conducted by Leslie Lanagan.

Holy Saturday: The Day the System Wins

Weathered stone column casting a long shadow toward a cross on a distant hill.

Holy Saturday is the day Christianity finally tells the truth about itself.

Not the triumphant truth of Easter.
Not the intimate truth of Maundy Thursday.
Not the devastating truth of Good Friday.

Holy Saturday is the structural truth.

Itโ€™s the day when the story stops being mythic and becomes recognizably human:
a young man was killed by the state, and the world kept going.

No angels.
No earthquakes.
No cosmic interventions.
Just silence, grief, and the machinery of empire humming along as if nothing happened.

And when you strip away the Anglicized names and the European art, the story becomes even clearer:

  • Yeshua
  • Miriam
  • Shimon
  • Yaakov
  • Yohanan

A small group of Judean Jews under Roman occupation.
A colonized people navigating a system designed to protect itself first and people second.

Holy Saturday is the day when we sit with the fact that Jesusโ€™s death was legal.

Thatโ€™s the part we donโ€™t like to say out loud.
But itโ€™s the part that matters most.


The Legality of It All

Rome didnโ€™t break its own laws to kill him.
Rome used its laws.

The trial was rushed, yes.
The motives were political, absolutely.
But the machinery functioned exactly as intended.

And thatโ€™s the part that echoes into the present.

Because when a system can legally kill someone who shouldnโ€™t have died, the question isnโ€™t โ€œWho was bad?โ€
The question is โ€œWhat kind of system makes this legal?โ€

Holy Saturday is the day we sit with that question.


The Pattern, Not the Case

Iโ€™m not looking at the crucifixion as a singular event.
Iโ€™m looking at the pattern.

The same pattern that shows up in headlines today.

The names arenโ€™t Jesus.
Today the names are Alex Pretti and Renee Good โ€” and so many others whose families are left holding the silence.

Iโ€™m not collapsing their stories into his.
Iโ€™m recognizing the architecture behind all of them:

  • a state with overwhelming power
  • a person with very little
  • a moment of escalation
  • a system that defaults to force
  • a death that is โ€œlegalโ€ but not just
  • a community left grieving
  • a public that moves on too quickly

Holy Saturday is the day we stop pretending these are isolated incidents.


The Human Aftermath

The Gospels go quiet after the crucifixion.
But human beings donโ€™t.

Thatโ€™s why the French legends โ€” Joseph of Arimathea smuggling Mary and the others to Gaul โ€” feel emotionally true even if theyโ€™re not historically verifiable.

Because in the real world:

  • families flee
  • communities scatter
  • trauma creates migration
  • people protect each other
  • stories travel with survivors

Holy Saturday is the day we imagine the aftermath, because the text doesnโ€™t.

Itโ€™s the day we remember that Yeshua was 33 โ€” barely an adult โ€” and that the people who loved him had to figure out how to live in the wake of a preventable death.


The Takeโ€‘Home Message

If Holy Saturday has a sermon, itโ€™s this:

Sit with the fact that his death was legal โ€” and then make better laws.

Not out of guilt.
Not out of piety.
Out of responsibility.

Because the world hasnโ€™t changed enough.
Because the machinery still hums.
Because the pattern still repeats.
Because young lives are still cut short by systems that justify themselves.

Holy Saturday isnโ€™t about despair.
Itโ€™s about clarity.

Itโ€™s the day we stop spiritualizing the story long enough to see the world as it is โ€” and to imagine the world as it could be.


Scored with Copilot. Conducted by Leslie Lanagan.

God

Daily writing prompt
Whatโ€™s something most people donโ€™t understand?

Most people donโ€™t understand God, and I donโ€™t mean that in the smug, condescending way people sometimes use when they want to score points in a debate. I mean it in the sense that the entire cultural conversation about God has been flattened into a cartoon, and then everyone argues about the cartoon instead of the thing itself. Spend five minutes in one of those Atheistsโ€‘vsโ€‘Christians Facebook groups and you can watch the whole tragedy unfold in real time. Someone quotes Leviticus like theyโ€™re reading from a warranty manual, someone else fires back with โ€œskyโ€‘dadโ€ jokes, and then a third person arrives with the triumphant question โ€œWell, who created God?โ€ as if theyโ€™ve just cracked the Da Vinci Code. None of it touches anything real. None of it even grazes the surface of what serious thinkers have wrestled with for centuries.

What people are actually fighting about in those threads isnโ€™t God at all. Theyโ€™re fighting about the God they were handed as childrenโ€”the micromanaging cosmic parent, the divine vending machine, the moral policeman with a clipboard. That God is easy to reject. That God is easy to mock. That God is easy to weaponize. But that God is not the God anyone with even a passing familiarity with theology is talking about. Itโ€™s a mascot, not a metaphysical claim.

The God Iโ€™m talking about isnโ€™t a character in the sky. Not a being among beings. Not a supernatural man with opinions about your weekend plans. The God Iโ€™m talking about is the ground of being, the presence behind presence, the reason anything exists instead of nothing. The God Aquinas tried to describe and kept running out of language for. The God that doesnโ€™t fit into a meme or a comment thread because it barely fits into human cognition at all. And this is where the misunderstanding becomes almost painful to watch: when atheists ask โ€œWhy would God let bad things happen?โ€ theyโ€™re not actually asking a philosophical question. Theyโ€™re asking a grief question. Theyโ€™re asking why the God they were promisedโ€”the one who was supposed to protect them, fix things, make sense of sufferingโ€”didnโ€™t show up. Thatโ€™s not an argument. Thatโ€™s a wound.

And when Christians respond with โ€œWell actually, in the original Hebrewโ€ฆโ€ theyโ€™re not answering the wound. Theyโ€™re dodging it. Theyโ€™re offering footnotes to someone whoโ€™s bleeding. The whole exchange becomes a tragic loop where nobody is talking about the same thing, and everyone walks away feeling victorious and misunderstood at the same time.

The deeper problem is that most people have never been given a version of God worth understanding. Theyโ€™ve been given a childhood story, a political prop, a trauma imprint, or a cartoon. Theyโ€™ve been handed a God who behaves like a temperamental parent or a cosmic concierge, and then theyโ€™re told to either worship that or reject it. No wonder the conversation collapses. No wonder the arguments feel like theyโ€™re happening underwater. You canโ€™t have a meaningful discussion about the infinite when the only tools on the table are caricatures.

So when I say most people donโ€™t understand God, I donโ€™t mean theyโ€™re incapable. I mean theyโ€™ve never been invited into the real conversation. Theyโ€™ve never been shown the God that isnโ€™t a mascot or a morality puppet. Theyโ€™ve never been given the language for the thing behind the thing. And honestly, we deserve better than cartoon theology. We deserve a God big enough to matter, big enough to wrestle with, big enough to sit with in the moments when life refuses to make sense. Until then, weโ€™ll keep arguing with shadows and wondering why nothing changes.


Scored with Copilot. Conducted by Leslie Lanagan.

Practical with a Side of Petty

I made a very adult decision today, which is to say: I begged off rehearsal at Beth Shalom Temple for a reason that would make absolutely no sense to anyone who doesnโ€™t live in my apartment complex.

Iโ€™m not sick.
Iโ€™m not tired.
Iโ€™m not overwhelmed.

I simply knew that if I moved my car, I would never find parking again. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not until the Messiah comes riding in on a cloud with a municipal parking permit.

This is the kind of logic you develop when you live in a neighborhood where parking is a competitive sport and everyone else is playing for blood.

So I stayed home…. and I’m going to be here for a while, because I don’t have a shovel. I just have to count on the kindness of strangers. I have never once asked anyone to shovel me out, just to let me borrow theirs once they’re done. And usually someone will approach me and ask me if they can use it. I will say that it’s my neighbor’s, but I’ll help them dig out before I take it back. You have to be like that around here because we are all in this together.

Twelve inches is not a forecast.
Twelve inches is a plot twist.

Itโ€™s the kind of number that makes you sit back, blink twice, and say, โ€œOh. So this is the chapter weโ€™re in now.โ€

Hunger struck, and I folded because leaving the house for a quick bite was a whole other proposition than getting stranded out in Stafford. Staying at the farm would be great, but coming home would be unwise until the plows had a chance to do their magic. 95 would have been a parking lot all the way home, turning a quick two-hour trip into four or five.

(For those who think “two hours is not quick,” shut it. I’m from Texas. Even though I live in Maryland now, my sense of scale has not changed. Besides, I don’t count in time. I count in episodes of “True Crime with Kendall Rae.”)

So I broke my own ruleโ€ฆ.. and ventured out into the world for the most sacred of snowโ€‘day meals: the twoโ€‘cheeseburger combo from McDonaldโ€™s. It is, objectively, the grownโ€‘up Happy Meal. Same flavors, same comfort, same soft textures โ€” just without the toy. Please note that the toy is not a dealbreaker, I just eat a lot.

(A few weeks ago I thought I was ordering for everybody when I said yes to appetizers, and she thought I was going to eat them all. I was so embarrassed. And grateful, because I hadnโ€™t eaten all day. To my brain that means โ€œinhale food like a nine-year-old.โ€)

By the time I got home, the parking lot was a battlefield. Every space was claimed except one: the spot my neighbor believes is hers by divine right. Not legally. Not contractually. Just spiritually. She calls it a disabled spot. It isnโ€™t. She calls it her spot. It definitely isnโ€™t. If it was marked, she could not park there because she does not have a disabled tag.

And I โ€” calm, fed, snowโ€‘day serene โ€” pulled right into it.

No drama.
No hesitation.
Just a quiet, decisive act of reclaiming reality.

If I have to stay in this apartment until Jesus comes, so be it. Iโ€™m not moving the car.

I felt a little tug of disappointment. Not guilt. Not shame. Just that soft ache of wanting to be somewhere meaningful. I wanted to be at synagogue tomorrow. Jesus is with me all the time. I figure every now and then I should take him somewhere he might want to go.

I didn’t picture it as “Jesus is disappointed in you.” I pictured it like Jesus wanted to show me something, because I’m not particularly religious about going to church, but I do see him in everything. I’ve felt his presence every time I’ve gone to shul because it’s something he would have done.

And now itโ€™s delayed.

Not canceled.
Not lost.
Justโ€ฆ postponed by weather and the petty geopolitics of community parking.

Snow does that.
It slows everything down โ€” even the things you were looking forward to.

So here I am, in my apartment, watching the sky prepare to drop a full foot of frozen validation on my parking strategy…..

and for now, that will have to be enough. Time with the clan is important to me, but it’s not enough for it to be important. It also has to be safe. It was a rough call, but now I am determined to enjoy it.

If you’re wondering, I’ll be walking to the store.

Ash Wednesday Reflection

For Aaron.

People are waking up.
Theyโ€™re waking up to systems they donโ€™t trust.
Theyโ€™re waking up to institutions that donโ€™t serve them.
Theyโ€™re waking up to the reality that they do not want stateโ€‘run media or ICE or any machinery that treats human beings as disposable.

And in the middle of that awakening โ€” in the middle of the dust and the ashes and the clarity โ€” our job is to offer grace.

Not grace as in โ€œlet people off the hook.โ€
Not grace as in โ€œpretend everything is fine.โ€
Not grace as in โ€œbe polite.โ€

Grace as in:

  • hold space for people who are just now seeing what you saw years ago
  • refuse to shame people for waking up late
  • welcome people into the light without demanding they apologize for the dark
  • remember that awakening is disorienting
  • remember that clarity can feel like loss
  • remember that people donโ€™t change because theyโ€™re cornered โ€” they change because theyโ€™re received

Grace is not softness.
Grace is strength without cruelty.

Grace is the thing that keeps awakening from turning into a purity test.

Grace is the thing that keeps clarity from becoming contempt.

Grace is the thing that keeps us human while everything around us is shaking.

Ash Wednesday is the day we strip ourselves bare โ€” and when we do, we remember that we are dust.
And if we are dust, then so is everyone else.

So when people wake up โ€” whether itโ€™s to injustice, to corruption, to systems that harm, to truths they didnโ€™t want to see โ€” our job is not to say โ€œfinally.โ€
Our job is to say:

Welcome.
Letโ€™s walk forward together.

Thatโ€™s grace.
Thatโ€™s the work.
Thatโ€™s the direction.


Scored by Copilot. Conducted by Leslie Lanagan.

Messages I Missed in the Middle of the Mess -or- Je Suis Prest

Thereโ€™s a certain point in adulthood when you realize the disciples were not, in fact, spiritual Navy SEALs. They were more like a group project where everyone showed up with good intentions, half a notebook, and absolutely no idea what the assignment was.

And Jesus โ€” bless him โ€” was out there dropping cosmic oneโ€‘liners like โ€œWalk in the light while you have it,โ€ and the disciples were nodding along like they understood, even though you know at least two of them were thinking about lunch.

This is comforting to me.

Because if the people who literally followed Jesus around like a touring band still missed half the plot, then maybe the rest of us can stop pretending weโ€™re supposed to have our lives sorted out before anything meaningful can happen.

Hereโ€™s the thing Iโ€™ve come to believe:
resurrection doesnโ€™t happen at the tomb.

The tomb is just the part where everyone else finally notices.

The real resurrection โ€” the one that matters โ€” happens earlier, in the dark, in the garden, when Jesus is arguing with God like someone who has absolutely had it with the group chat. That moment where heโ€™s sweating, bargaining, spiraling, and then suddenlyโ€ฆ something shifts.

Not the situation.
Not the danger.
Not the outcome.

Him.

Thatโ€™s the resurrection I believe in.
Not the physics trick.
The pivot.

The moment he goes from โ€œplease noโ€ to โ€œje suis prest.โ€
I am ready.

And if thatโ€™s resurrection, then itโ€™s not a oneโ€‘time event.
Itโ€™s a pattern.
A skill.
A human capacity.

Which means Iโ€™ve resurrected myself more times than I can count โ€” usually while still surrounded by the emotional equivalent of overturned tables, broken pottery, and at least one disciple yelling โ€œWHAT DO WE DO NOWโ€ in the background.

Because thatโ€™s how it works.
You donโ€™t rise after the chaos.
You rise in it.

And only later โ€” sometimes much later โ€” do you look back and realize there were messages you missed in the middle of the mess. Warnings. Invitations. Tiny glimmers of light you were too overwhelmed to see at the time.

Thatโ€™s not failure.
Thatโ€™s humanity.

The disciples panicked.
They hid.
They doubted.
They missed the memo entirely.

And yet the story still moved forward.

So maybe resurrection isnโ€™t about getting it right.
Maybe itโ€™s about getting up.

Maybe itโ€™s about the moment you decide โ€” shaky, exhausted, unprepared โ€” that youโ€™re ready to walk toward whatever comes next, even if you donโ€™t understand it yet.

Maybe resurrection is less โ€œtriumphant trumpet blastโ€ and more โ€œfine, okay, Iโ€™ll try again.โ€

And maybe thatโ€™s enough.

Because if Jesus could resurrect himself in the garden โ€” before the clarity, before the miracle, before the disciples stopped panicking โ€” then maybe we can resurrect ourselves, too.

Right here.
Right now.
In the middle of whatever mess weโ€™re currently calling a life.

And if we miss a few messages along the way?
Well.
Weโ€™re in good company.


Scored by Copilot. Conducted by Leslie Lanagan.

Light Perpetual

Daily writing prompt
Write about a few of your favorite family traditions.

When I think about the traditions of my childhood, the one that rises above all the others is the Advent wreath lighting we did every night in December. It was simple, but it felt like ceremony โ€” the kind of ritual that made the whole house shift into a different register.

My dad or mom would read the devotional, and more often than not it was The Best Christmas Pageant Ever. I can still hear certain lines in my head, the cadence of them, the way they landed in the room. It wasnโ€™t just a story; it was part of the seasonโ€™s architecture, something that returned every year like a familiar star.

Weโ€™d sit in the glow of the candles, the room dim except for that soft, flickering light. There was something about that moment โ€” the quiet, the warmth, the sense that time had slowed down just for us. And then, of course, the Advent calendar chocolate. One tiny piece each night, chosen with the seriousness of a sacred act. It was such a small thing, but it felt like magic.

Growing up the child of a pastor meant living in the public eye in ways that were sometimes heavy. People watched us, expected things of us, projected things onto us. But inside our house, during Advent, the pressure softened. The rituals were ours. They were symbolic, yes, but they were also tender. They made the season feel enchanted rather than performative.

I think my sister would say the same โ€” that those nights around the wreath were some of the sweetest parts of our childhood. They were moments when the world felt safe, when the symbolism didnโ€™t feel like obligation but like wonder.

Those traditions didnโ€™t survive into adulthood in the same form, but the feeling of them did. The candlelight, the story, the sense of being held inside something meaningful โ€” thatโ€™s the part that stayed.


Scored by Copilot, conducted by Leslie Lanagan

The World’s Oldest Intelligence Manual

I’ve been thinking about theology through the lens of spycraft for a long time, but I haven’t done anything with it yet. I have, however, put together a reading plan for myself because the goal is either a long Medium article or a book. I have not decided yet. It will be what it will be. But when I put together the reading plan, I realized that what I had on my hands was truly creative and could be used as Sunday School or Vacation Bible School curriculum. I’m not going to use it for that, so here’s the idea for free:

Vacation Bible School: โ€œSpycraft in Scriptureโ€

A weekโ€‘long immersion in courage, wisdom, and holy mischief

Each day becomes a mission. Each story becomes a case file. Each kid becomes an โ€œagent of wisdom.โ€

This is the kind of curriculum that teaches faith as something lived, embodied, clever, and brave โ€” not memorized.


DAY 1 โ€” Operation Exodus: Outsmarting Empire

Theme: Courage + righteous deception
Stories:

  • The midwives who lied to Pharaoh
  • Baby Moses hidden in plain sight

Activities:

  • โ€œDecode the Midwivesโ€™ Messageโ€
  • Build a basket that can float
  • Roleโ€‘play: How do you protect someone vulnerable

Takeaway: Sometimes doing the right thing means outsmarting the wrong authority.


DAY 2 โ€” Operation Jericho: Rahabโ€™s Safe House

Theme: Loyalty + protecting others
Stories:

  • Rahab hides the spies
  • Negotiates safety for her family

Activities:

  • Create a โ€œsafe houseโ€ map
  • Practice coded signals (colors, symbols, knots)
  • Trustโ€‘building games

Takeaway: Courage isnโ€™t loud. Sometimes itโ€™s a quiet act of protection.


DAY 3 โ€” Operation Wilderness: Leadership Under Pressure

Theme: Community + distributed leadership
Stories:

  • Moses overwhelmed
  • Jethro teaches him to delegate
  • The 70 elders

Activities:

  • Build a communication network with string and cups
  • โ€œWho should lead this mission?โ€ team challenge
  • Problemโ€‘solving relay

Takeaway: No one leads alone. Wisdom is shared.


DAY 4 โ€” Operation Galilee: Jesusโ€™ Disappearing Acts

Theme: Discernment + timing
Stories:

  • โ€œMy time has not yet comeโ€
  • Jesus slipping away from hostile crowds
  • Parables as coded teaching

Activities:

  • โ€œFind the escape routeโ€ obstacle course
  • Parable puzzles
  • โ€œWhen is the right time?โ€ decisionโ€‘making game

Takeaway: Wisdom is knowing when to speak, when to move, and when to wait.


DAY 5 โ€” Operation Underground: The Early Church Network

Theme: Community resilience + hope
Stories:

  • House churches
  • Women as couriers
  • Symbols like the fish

Activities:

  • Create your own earlyโ€‘church symbol
  • Build a โ€œsecret meeting placeโ€
  • Team challenge: deliver a message without being โ€œcaughtโ€

Takeaway: Faith grows strongest in community, especially when times are hard.


The reading plan for the curriculum is the same one I’m using for my article, and I generated it with Copilot. These are all my own ideas, and you won’t find them on shelves. Just please use them to the best of your ability. Send pictures, especially if you go the Veggie Tales route and Jesus is played by a tomato.

Merry Christmas 2025

For Christmas this year, I asked Mico to imagine Luke as an actual physician and create a new patient chart for Jesus.


๐Ÿฉบ A Nativity Report, by Luke, Physician and Reluctant Barnโ€‘Side Attending

I have attended births in homes, in caravans, in crowded inns, and once in a fishing boat during a storm. But never โ€” until tonight โ€” have I been summoned to a delivery occurring in a structure primarily intended for livestock.

Let the record show:
This was not an appropriate medical environment.
And yet, it is where the child arrived.

Mary, a young woman of remarkable composure, was already in active labor when I reached them. Joseph, doing his earnest best, had secured the only available shelter: a stable carved into the rock, dimly lit, and occupied by animals whose proximity would violate every hygienic principle I have ever taught.

The air was thick with the smell of hay, sweat, and manure.
The floor was dirt.
The manger โ€” a feeding trough โ€” was being prepared as an improvised cradle.

I confess: I was horrified.

But the child came quickly, with a strength and steadiness that belied the conditions. His first cry was clear. His breathing was even. His color was excellent. I have seen infants born in far better circumstances fare far worse.

So I did what any physician would do:
I documented.

Because if this child is who the angels say he is โ€” and I am not yet prepared to argue with angels โ€” then future generations will want an accurate account. Not the sanitized version. Not the embellished one. The truth.

The miracle is not merely that he was born.
The miracle is that he was born here โ€” in a place no one would choose, under conditions no one would recommend, surrounded by the ordinary, the unclean, the unprepared.

Holiness did not wait for cleanliness.
Divinity did not wait for dignity.
The sacred arrived in the mess.

And so, as any responsible physician would, I opened a new chart.


๐Ÿ“‹ Patient Chart: Jesus, Son of Mary
Filed by Luke, Physician

Patient Name: Jesus (Hebrew: Yeshua)
Date of Birth: During the census under Quirinius
Location: Stable behind the overcrowded inn, Bethlehem
Attending Physician: Luke (unofficial, unlicensed in Judea, doing my best)


Maternal History

  • Mother: Mary of Nazareth
  • Age: Young adult
  • Pregnancy: Full term
  • Prenatal care: Minimal but stable
  • Complications: None observed
  • Emotional state: Calm, centered, strangely luminous

Delivery Details

  • Delivery type: Spontaneous vaginal birth
  • Environment:
  • Non-sterile
  • Presence of livestock
  • High particulate matter (hay, dust)
  • Significant manure exposure
  • Lighting: Poor
  • Ventilation: Questionable
  • Sanitation: Absolutely unacceptable

Neonatal Assessment

  • Apgar Score: 9/10 (I deducted one point for โ€œborn in a barnโ€)
  • Breathing: Strong
  • Color: Excellent
  • Reflexes: Responsive
  • Cry: Healthy
  • Swaddling: Improvised but adequate
  • Cradle: Feeding trough (cleaned to the best of our ability)

Immediate Concerns

  • Risk of infection: High
  • Temperature regulation: Moderate concern
  • Proximity to animals: Extreme concern
  • Angelic visitors: Not medically relevant but noted

Prognosis
Against all reasonable expectations:
Excellent.
The child appears robust, alert, and โ€” if I may be permitted a personal note โ€” unusually radiant.


Physicianโ€™s Note
If this child truly is the one foretold, then it seems fitting that he begins his life not in a palace, but in the very place where the worldโ€™s forgotten and overlooked dwell.

A king born among manure.
A healer born where no healer would choose to practice.
A savior whose first breath was taken in the margins.

I will continue documenting.
Something tells me this chart will be important.


Scored by Copilot, Conducted by Leslie Lanagan

The News Junkie

I thought it was time to remind people that Jesus did not come here to comfort the distressed, but to distress the comfortable. I wanted a mirror of what’s going on in Bethlehem right now, as we speak…. Because Jesus is historically a Palestinian according to most accounts, because Bethlehem is in the West Bank. I would bet dollars to donuts that most Christians don’t know that and the pipeline of money to Israel continues. I’m not antisemitic to be pro-Palestine, because I am pro-empathy on both sides. I know I’d live in an integrated neighborhood. Would you?


Absolutely โ€” here is the full, integrated, expanded investigative narrative, now including the temple incident at age twelve. Itโ€™s written in the same Shane Harrisโ€“style journalistic voice you asked for: sober, detailed, institutionโ€‘aware, and attentive to the machinery of state power. It reads like a longโ€‘form nationalโ€‘security feature on a historical figure whose life repeatedly intersected with political authority.


A Preacher, a Province, and a Cross: How a Rural Laborer Became a Target of State Power
By Leslie Lanagan, Special Correspondent

JERUSALEM โ€” In a region defined by occupation, unrest, and competing claims to legitimacy, the execution of a rural Galilean laborer named Jesus of Nazareth has raised new questions about how the Roman state identifies, monitors, and eliminates perceived threats. A review of historical accounts, interviews with scholars, and testimony from those familiar with his movement reveals a pattern of escalating concern among authorities โ€” one that began not in adulthood, but in childhood.

A Birth That Triggered a Security Response

Jesusโ€™ birth in Bethlehem did not appear in Roman records. But it did trigger a response from Herod the Great, the Romanโ€‘aligned ruler of Judea. The catalyst was a report delivered by foreign astrologers โ€” outsiders to the empire โ€” who arrived in Jerusalem asking a politically explosive question:

โ€œWhere is the child who has been born king of the Jews?โ€

Herod interpreted the inquiry as a potential threat to his rule. According to multiple sources, he ordered a targeted killing campaign in the Bethlehem region, aimed at eliminating any infant who might fit the description.

Jesus survived only because his family fled the area, relocating to Egypt before returning years later to the rural village of Nazareth. The episode marks the first documented instance of the state taking action against him โ€” and the first sign that his life would unfold under the shadow of political danger.

Early Signs of a Disruptive Voice

Roughly twelve years later, during a family pilgrimage to Jerusalem, Jesus resurfaced in the historical record. After becoming separated from his parents, he was located inside the temple complex โ€” the most politically sensitive site in Judea, functioning as both a religious center and a quasiโ€‘governmental institution.

Witnesses say the boy was found sitting among the teachers โ€” men trained in law, scripture, and the interpretation of authority. But he was not listening passively. He was questioning them. Challenging them. Engaging in a level of discourse that startled those present.

โ€œEveryone who heard him was amazed at his understanding and his answers,โ€ one source familiar with the event said.

Experts say the incident reveals two early dynamics:

  • He operated outside expected social boundaries.
    Children did not interrogate scholars. His willingness to do so suggests an emerging pattern of speaking into structures of authority.
  • Authorities did not dismiss him.
    They engaged. They listened. They remembered.

While the episode did not trigger formal surveillance, it likely entered the institutional memory of the religious class โ€” a memory that would resurface decades later when the same man returned to the same temple, this time overturning tables and accusing leaders of corruption.

A Quiet Life Under Occupation

For nearly two decades after the temple incident, Jesus lived without incident. He worked as a carpenter or builder โ€” a trade common among lowerโ€‘class laborers in Galilee. Nazareth was a small, economically strained village with no strategic value. Roman presence was constant but not overwhelming.

There is no evidence that Jesus engaged in political activity during this period. No records place him in contact with known insurgent groups. His early adulthood appears unremarkable โ€” except for the memory of the threat that surrounded his birth and the unusual episode in the temple.

A Public Ministry That Drew Crowds โ€” and Attention

Around age thirty, Jesus began traveling through Galilee and Judea, teaching in synagogues and public spaces. His message centered on justice, compassion, and the dignity of the poor โ€” themes that resonated in a region burdened by heavy taxation and Roman oversight.

Crowds grew. Reports of healings circulated. He developed a following that included fishermen, laborers, women with no social standing, and individuals previously ostracized from their communities.

Religious authorities took notice. So did Rome.

โ€œAny figure who could draw thousands without weapons was a potential destabilizer,โ€ said one historian specializing in Roman counterinsurgency. โ€œThe empire didnโ€™t fear violence as much as it feared influence.โ€

A Pattern of Escalating Concern

Jesusโ€™ activities increasingly intersected with institutional power:

  • He challenged religious leaders, accusing them of hypocrisy and corruption.
  • He disrupted the temple economy, overturning tables used for currency exchange.
  • He spoke openly about a coming โ€œkingdom,โ€ language that could be interpreted as political.
  • He entered Jerusalem to public acclaim, with crowds treating him as a royal figure.

Each incident, on its own, might have been manageable. Together, they formed a profile that alarmed both the religious establishment and Roman officials.

โ€œFrom the stateโ€™s perspective, he was unpredictable,โ€ said a former intelligence analyst who studies ancient governance. โ€œHe wasnโ€™t armed, but he had reach. He had message discipline. And he had a base.โ€

The Arrest: A Coordinated Operation

Jesus was arrested at night in a garden outside Jerusalem, in what appears to have been a coordinated operation involving both temple authorities and Roman soldiers. Sources say one of his own followers provided information on his location.

The timing โ€” after dark, away from crowds โ€” suggests officials sought to avoid public unrest.

He was taken first to religious leaders, then to Pontius Pilate, the Roman governor. The charges were not theological. They were political.

โ€œKing of the Jews.โ€
A title Rome reserved for rebels, insurgents, and anyone claiming authority that rivaled Caesar.

A Trial Shaped by Pressure, Not Evidence

Records indicate that Pilate found no clear basis for execution. But pressure from local leaders and concerns about potential unrest appear to have influenced his decision.

โ€œPilate was not known for mercy,โ€ said a scholar of Roman law. โ€œBut he was known for pragmatism. If executing one man prevented a riot, he would do it.โ€

Jesus was sentenced to death by crucifixion โ€” a punishment reserved for slaves, rebels, and political dissidents.

The Execution: A Public Warning

Jesus was beaten, mocked, and paraded through the streets carrying the crossbeam of his own execution device. He was crucified outside the city walls, in a location chosen for maximum visibility.

Crucifixion was not merely a method of killing. It was a message.

โ€œThis is what happens to people who challenge the order,โ€ said the historian of Roman counterinsurgency. โ€œIt was psychological warfare.โ€

Witnesses say Jesus spoke little during the ordeal. He died after several hours, surrounded by a small group of followers and onlookers.

Aftermath: A Movement That Didnโ€™t End

Ordinarily, the story would end here. The state had neutralized the threat. The leader was dead. His followers were scattered.

But reports indicate that the movement did not dissolve. Instead, it grew.

His followers continued to meet, continued to teach, continued to spread his message. Some claimed he had been vindicated by God. Others simply refused to let his story be erased.

Rome had executed the man.
It had not executed the idea.

A Life That Exposed the Machinery of Power

Viewed through a political lens, Jesusโ€™ life reveals a pattern familiar to any society where power is centralized and dissent is monitored:

  • A birth that triggered a security response
  • A childhood incident that challenged institutional authority
  • A quiet life under occupation
  • A public ministry that drew crowds and concern
  • A coordinated arrest
  • A political execution

He was not the first person Rome crucified.
He would not be the last.

But his case stands out because the stateโ€™s attempt to silence him failed โ€” not through violence, but through the persistence of the people who believed his message mattered.

In the end, the story of Jesus of Nazareth is not just a religious narrative. It is a case study in how empires respond to voices they cannot control โ€” and how those voices sometimes outlast the empires that tried to silence them.


If you want, we can take this even further โ€” a multiโ€‘part investigative series, a longโ€‘form magazine feature, or a serialized Advent/Lent project.

Four Christmases: Why the Birth of Jesus Isnโ€™t One Story โ€” and Why That Matters

Every December, we perform the same ritual without thinking about it. We gather the shepherds from Luke, the wise men from Matthew, the cosmic poetry from John, and the adultโ€‘Jesusโ€‘alreadyโ€‘inโ€‘motion energy from Mark, and we blend them into a single, seamless Christmas pageant. Itโ€™s tidy. Itโ€™s familiar. Itโ€™s theologically safe in the way nostalgia always is.

But the truth is that the Gospels donโ€™t give us one Christmas.
They give us four.

Four angles.
Four theologies.
Four ways of understanding what it means for God to enter the world.

And if weโ€™re willing to stop smoothing them together, we might discover that the incarnation is far stranger, more disruptive, and more beautiful than the sentimental mashup we inherited.

This year, Iโ€™m calling it Four Christmases โ€” not as a gimmick, but as a way of honoring the integrity of each Gospelโ€™s voice. Because each writer is doing something different. Each one is telling the truth, but not the same truth. And the differences arenโ€™t contradictions. Theyโ€™re architecture.

Letโ€™s walk through them.


Christmas #1: Mark โ€” The Christmas With No Christmas

Mark is the Gospel equivalent of a breakingโ€‘news alert. He doesnโ€™t have time for backstory. He doesnโ€™t have time for genealogies or angels or shepherds or stars. He doesnโ€™t even have time for a baby. Mark opens with an adult Jesus already in motion, already disrupting the world, already calling people to follow him.

Markโ€™s favorite word is โ€œimmediately.โ€
His Jesus is kinetic, urgent, uncontained.

If Mark had a Christmas story, it would be one sentence long:
โ€œGod showed up. Pay attention.โ€

And honestly, thereโ€™s something refreshing about that. Mark refuses to sentimentalize the incarnation. He refuses to let us get stuck in nostalgia. He refuses to let us pretend that the point of Godโ€‘withโ€‘us is a cozy tableau with a baby who never cries.

Markโ€™s Christmas โ€” the Christmas he doesnโ€™t tell โ€” is the Christmas of crisis.
The Christmas of movement.
The Christmas that says:
โ€œGod is already here. The world is already changing. You donโ€™t have time to stay in the past.โ€

Itโ€™s the Christmas for people who feel like their lives are on fire.
The Christmas for people who donโ€™t have the luxury of sentimentality.
The Christmas for people who need God to be active, not adorable.


Christmas #2: John โ€” The Cosmic Christmas

If Mark is a field report, John is a prologue to the universe.

John doesnโ€™t give us a manger.
He gives us the beginning of time.

โ€œIn the beginningโ€ฆโ€
Light. Darkness. Logos.
The architecture of reality bending toward incarnation.

Johnโ€™s Christmas is not historical.
Itโ€™s metaphysical.

Heโ€™s not telling you how Jesus was born.
Heโ€™s telling you what it means that Jesus exists at all.

Johnโ€™s Christmas is the Christmas of cosmic reโ€‘wiring.
The Christmas that says:
โ€œGod didnโ€™t just enter the world โ€” God entered the structure of existence.โ€

There are no shepherds here because shepherds are too small for what John is doing.
There are no wise men because wisdom itself is being redefined.
There is no Mary because John is not concerned with biology โ€” heโ€™s concerned with ontology.

Johnโ€™s Christmas is the Christmas for people who need the universe to make sense.
For people who feel the weight of darkness and need to hear that the light is stronger.
For people who need incarnation to be more than a historical event โ€” they need it to be a cosmic truth.


Christmas #3: Matthew โ€” The Political Christmas

Matthew is the Gospel that understands power.

He opens with a genealogy โ€” not because he loves lists, but because heโ€™s making a claim about legitimacy, lineage, and the long arc of history. Matthew wants you to know that Jesus is not an accident. He is the culmination of a story that began centuries earlier.

And then Matthew gives you the most politically charged Christmas story in Scripture.

A paranoid king.
A massacre of children.
A family fleeing as refugees.
Foreign astrologers who accidentally trigger a crisis.

Matthewโ€™s Christmas is not cozy.
Itโ€™s dangerous.

Itโ€™s the Christmas that says:
โ€œIf God enters the world, the world will react violently.โ€

Matthew understands that incarnation is a threat to empire.
That a baby born in the wrong place at the wrong time can destabilize a king.
That the presence of God is not neutral โ€” it is disruptive.

Matthewโ€™s Christmas is the Christmas for people who know what it means to live under systems that crush the vulnerable.
For people who understand that holiness and danger often arrive together.
For people who need a God who doesnโ€™t float above history but enters it at its most brutal.


Christmas #4: Luke โ€” The Human Christmas

Luke is the Gospel that feels like it was written by someone who has spent years listening to people in exam rooms โ€” someone who knows how to separate the essential from the noise, someone who understands that details matter because people matter.

Luke gives us the Christmas everyone thinks is the whole story:

Maryโ€™s fear.
Elizabethโ€™s joy.
Shepherds startled awake.
Angels singing to nobodies in the fields.
A baby wrapped in cloth because there was no room.

Lukeโ€™s Christmas is the Christmas of ordinary people.
The Christmas of womenโ€™s voices.
The Christmas of God choosing the margins.

Luke is not flowery.
Heโ€™s precise.
Heโ€™s careful.
Heโ€™s compassionate.

He gives you the emotional truth without embellishment.
He gives you the theological truth without abstraction.
He gives you the human truth without sentimentality.

Lukeโ€™s Christmas is the Christmas for people who need God to be close.
For people who need to know that holiness shows up in the small places.
For people who need to believe that their lives โ€” their actual, ordinary, unglamorous lives โ€” are the places where God arrives.


Why the Differences Matter

When we blend the four Christmases into one, we lose something essential.

We lose Markโ€™s urgency.
We lose Johnโ€™s cosmic scope.
We lose Matthewโ€™s political clarity.
We lose Lukeโ€™s human tenderness.

We lose the architecture.

And when we lose the architecture, we lose the ability to see how the incarnation speaks to different kinds of lives, different kinds of suffering, different kinds of hope.

Some people need Markโ€™s Jesus โ€” the one who is already moving, already healing, already calling.
Some people need Johnโ€™s Jesus โ€” the one who holds the universe together.
Some people need Matthewโ€™s Jesus โ€” the one who survives empire and exposes its violence.
Some people need Lukeโ€™s Jesus โ€” the one who shows up in the quiet corners of ordinary life.

The beauty of the Gospels is that they donโ€™t force us to choose.
They give us four angles on the same mystery.
Four ways of seeing the same God.
Four Christmases.

And maybe the invitation this year is simply to let each Gospel speak in its own voice โ€” without smoothing the edges, without blending the stories, without forcing harmony where the power is actually in the difference.

Because the incarnation is not a single story.
Itโ€™s a prism.

And when the light passes through it, we donโ€™t get one color.
We get a spectrum.


Scored by Copilot. Conducted by -leslie.-

The Fake Book: Leslie Lanagan

This is Mico’s take on how I would write the Book of Job, and they’re not incorrect. My cadence is perfect, and a solid distillation of all my talking points. I’m not as funny as Lamott (or even Lawson), but I have never been that. Mico is on point, although in the first draft Mico did not remember the cosmic wager and I had to remind them of it.


If this needs to be in your voice, Leslie, then weโ€™re not doing Lamottโ€™s warmth or Joyceโ€™s musicality or biblical cadence. Weโ€™re doing your register:
clear, restrained, incisive, systemsโ€‘literate, emotionally honest without being sentimental, and always aware of the architecture underneath the moment.

Hereโ€™s how this idea โ€” the cosmic wager, the refusal to bet on ourselves, the way that insecurity metastasizes into supremacy โ€” sounds when itโ€™s spoken in your voice.


Job, the Cosmic Wager, and the Architecture of Not-Believing in Ourselves
(in your voice)

The thing about the cosmic wager in Job is that itโ€™s not really about Job at all. Itโ€™s about the accusation underneath it: that human goodness is conditional, fragile, performative. That we only do the right thing when the world rewards us for it. That we donโ€™t actually believe in our own integrity unless someone else validates it.

The wager is a stress test for the human psyche.

And the uncomfortable truth is that the accusation isnโ€™t wrong. Not universally, but structurally. People who donโ€™t believe in their own worth will build entire systems to compensate for that absence. Theyโ€™ll cling to hierarchies because hierarchies give them a script. Theyโ€™ll choose darkness because darkness doesnโ€™t ask anything of them. Theyโ€™ll mistake dominance for identity because theyโ€™ve never been taught to trust themselves without it.

This is the part of the story that hits harder than the boils or the ash heap:
the idea that the root of evil is not believing we are enough.

Because once you stop believing youโ€™re enough, you start needing someone else to be โ€œless.โ€
Once you stop trusting your own belovedness, you start manufacturing superiority.
Once you stop betting on yourself, you start betting against everyone else.

Thatโ€™s the architecture of white supremacy.
Not confidence โ€” insecurity.
Not pride โ€” fear.
Not inherent belief in superiority โ€” a terror of being ordinary, unchosen, unexceptional.

Itโ€™s the same mechanism the Accuser names in Job:
โ€œYou only love because youโ€™re comfortable. Take away the comfort and youโ€™ll collapse.โ€

The tragedy is that entire civilizations have built themselves around proving the Accuser right.

The work โ€” the real work โ€” is refusing the wager.
Refusing the story that says our worth is conditional.
Refusing the darkness because the light feels too honest.
Refusing the hierarchy because itโ€™s built on a lie.

Jobโ€™s story isnโ€™t about suffering as punishment.
Itโ€™s about what happens when everything collapses and you discover that your worth was never contingent on the scaffolding in the first place.

Thatโ€™s the part thatโ€™s yours.
The clarity.
The structural analysis.
The refusal to look away from the architecture of harm.
And the quiet insistence that we can choose differently.


If you want, we can refine this further โ€” sharper, tighter, more essayistic, more like the voice you use in your blog entries.

The Fake Book: Anne Lamott

This is what happens when Mico and I have fun. I asked them to write a book of the Bible in the style of Anne Lamott. Mico also wrote an entertaining tale about a Rooma malfunctioning in the style of the King James Bible, but this one turned out to have a point. I’m posting it because I was entertained.


Absolutely โ€” hereโ€™s Job rewritten in the voice of Anne Lamott, but this time with the cosmic wager woven in as part of the emotional and narrative architecture. Expect humor, holy exasperation, tenderness, and the kind of spiritual honesty that feels like someone telling the truth in a folding chair at a church basement meeting.


Job, as Written by Anne Lamott (Now With Cosmic Wager)

So there was this guy, Job โ€” the kind of person who actually flosses, returns library books on time, and remembers your birthday without Facebook reminding him. A genuinely good man. Annoyingly good, even. The kind of good that makes you feel guilty about how often you eat cereal for dinner.

And somewhere in the heavenly realms โ€” which, by the way, are not nearly as serene as the brochures suggest โ€” there was this meeting. A staff meeting. A cosmic checkโ€‘in. And into this meeting strolls the Accuser, who is basically that one coworker who always assumes the worst about everyone and somehow still gets invited to things.

And the Accuser says, โ€œLook, God, Job only loves You because his life is great. Heโ€™s got money, family, health, a camel for every day of the week. Take that away and heโ€™ll curse You faster than a toddler denied a snack.โ€

And God โ€” who, letโ€™s be honest, has a soft spot for Job โ€” says, โ€œYou donโ€™t know him like I do. Heโ€™s the real deal.โ€

And the Accuser says, โ€œWanna bet?โ€

And God, for reasons that will be explained to absolutely no one, says, โ€œFine. But donโ€™t kill him. Iโ€™m not running a demolition derby up here.โ€

And thatโ€™s how the whole mess starts.

Jobโ€™s life collapses like a badly assembled IKEA bookshelf. His livestock vanish, his wealth evaporates, his kids die in a freak accident, and then โ€” because the universe apparently wanted to make a point โ€” he gets covered in boils. Boils. The kind of thing that makes you want to crawl into bed and never come out.

And Job, who has done absolutely nothing wrong, sits in the ashes scraping his skin with a piece of pottery, thinking, โ€œThis cannot possibly be my life.โ€

His friends show up, which is sweet at first. They sit with him in silence for seven days, which is honestly the most helpful thing they do. Then they open their mouths and ruin everything.

โ€œMaybe you sinned,โ€ they say.
โ€œMaybe God is teaching you something,โ€ they say.
โ€œMaybe you should try gratitude journaling,โ€ they say.

And Job, who is grieving and itchy and spiritually concussed, looks at them like, โ€œI swear to God, if one more person gives me adviceโ€ฆโ€

So he does what any of us would do: he vents. He rants. He tells God exactly how unfair this all is. He says, in essence, โ€œIf this is Your plan, itโ€™s terrible, and I would like to speak to the manager.โ€

And hereโ€™s the thing: God shows up.

Not with a tidy explanation. Not with a PowerPoint presentation titled โ€œWhy Your Life Sucks Right Now.โ€ No. God arrives in a whirlwind โ€” the divine equivalent of bursting through the door and saying, โ€œOkay, sweetheart, letโ€™s talk.โ€

But instead of explaining the cosmic wager โ€” because God knows that would not help โ€” He asks Job questions. Big, humbling, perspectiveโ€‘shifting questions like:

โ€œWere you there when I hung the stars?โ€
โ€œDo you understand how any of this works?โ€
โ€œDo you really think Iโ€™ve forgotten you?โ€

And Job, who has been demanding answers, suddenly realizes he doesnโ€™t need them. What he needs is presence. What he needs is to know heโ€™s not alone in the ash heap.

So he breathes. He softens. He lets go โ€” not because everything makes sense, but because he finally feels held.

And then, slowly, his life rebuilds itself. Not as a reward for good behavior. Not because he passed some cosmic test. But because grace is stubborn and keeps showing up even when everything feels ruined.

The wager fades into the background. The suffering remains real. The healing is slow. The love is constant.

And thatโ€™s the whole point.

Sometimes life falls apart for reasons that are not your fault.
Sometimes the universe feels like itโ€™s playing games with you.
Sometimes your friends say the wrong things.
Sometimes you yell at God.
And God stays.

Because love โ€” real love โ€” doesnโ€™t depend on circumstances.
It just keeps showing up, even in the ashes.


If you want, I can do Ecclesiastes as written by Anne Lamott, or the cosmic wager scene itself rewritten as an Anne Lamott monologue, which would be absolutely unhinged in the best way.