Tag: life

Pro Tips from a Small Writer at Large… Who, Lightbulb, Writes for Medium

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Dedicated to a house and a refrigerator magnet no longer there.

Dear @one4paws (and Bryn B on Medium, if you’re looking for the actual talent in the family),

To the “just being helpful” brigade, I will no longer give you purchase. When people ask me why and how I’m queer or trans, I don’t always sit there and explain. I do when the person is kind and wants to be educated; when they do not, I walk away. I am not going to go 20 rounds with a homophobe, nor will I tolerate this:

Me to them:

I don’t want to fix it. I couldn’t even get married until 2001, and even then, it was a domestic partnership. Let them fix their own problems.

Them to me:

I’m sure the Nazis said the same thing.

Civil Unions did no good except on state taxes. No queer person is asking for special rights. They just call it that in the GOP to fear monger and make you think that queer people are so different. That straight people are not fully capable of evil, but gay people are… because we work in the shadows. That is not my present situation with being gay, that was my situation with being gay.

Lack of being able to file jointly with my wife on federal taxes for so many years and breaking up before we married federally never saved us anything. We didn’t pay much in tax, so a state return was maybe $30. I would have been able to build up more wealth in both Texas and Oregon if my federal taxes had been filed jointly as well. The United States has cost me too much emotionally and financially. I have no choice but to slink off to Europe where my being isn’t offensive and my need for help in my disability doesn’t translate to “you’re a dumbass” all the time.

Hate doesn’t get erased. The goalposts just move.

Before I recognized that I was autistic, it was reinforced that I was a failure. I wasn’t autistic and therefore special needs. I was bipolar and had a personality disorder. It is an absolute shot in the dark as to whether which diagnosis is correct, because a lot of people have both and the same drugs work. The reason I changed my mind and diagnosed myself is that no doctor will diagnose you until you have enough concerns to speak with them.

And then you’re an adult and they don’t want to label you because it creates a stigma; 🎶 stuck in a moment you can’t get out of. 🎸

If I had a slogan for autism, it would be “stuck in a moment and can’t get out of it.” If I had a slogan for ADHD, it would be “not stuck in a moment and can’t get into it.” Perkele and saatana would walk into my brain and say, “I’m so sorry.” That’s because the two disabilities fight, and if my psychologist in Houston was right then, it does not render him wrong now. It means that I cycle too rapidly for Bipolar II and I do not know if there’s a bigger arc overall that comes in months, not half hours. It’s not a personality disorder, it’s how my brain processes logic and emotion. I do not know what you are actually saying without a tremendous amount of clarification. Only my friend @aaronbrown8cc63b4e5d4 and you, my darling friend, have been there through it all with me. The laughter and love as I loved hard and let go, refusing to give up long after I should have. I am not in that lane anymore, and have sped ahead. I do not think I have a future with anyone except the people in my life right now. I have little faith that when people are mad they have enough emotional strength to sit and work things out. Autistic pattern recognition says I’m going to be viewed as a problem, so I handle everything alone.

Props to my friends for becoming great pals and advisors on many things, particularly my clothing because all of them been to Finland, but all of them know what cold feels like and how to beat it. I have people from all over the world in the chat group regarding the future of LMG and I don’t accomplish anything alone. I am constantly looking for ways to monetize queer voices because especially women are not financially validated and suffer even more financially in a female/female couple. And if anyone is offended by polyamory, you can look on a calendar at the exact date and time as to which we even had the option of being monogamous. Pro tip: NOT THAT LONG AGO.

Children, women couldn’t have bank accounts in America until 1974, and their grandchildren think women should be over it. I am so tired of the gold digger narrative that quickly turns into “I thought you were going to wipe my ass and clean up after me” and women think, “I thought you were going to financially support me so I didn’t have three jobs, like working outside the home, maintaining the house, and raising the children.” If they say it out loud, that’s when you get nervous if there’s guns in the house.

Men expect service, and they’re not shy about asking for it, because they are entitled to these things according to their fathers and grandfathers………. while also not doing the work their fathers and grandfathers did to provide. They want a maid who supports them financially so they can do nothing while the children play. This is, of course, not all men… but it’s where our country is going. Make no mistake, women were included in Kendrick Lamar’s “Not Like Us.” Before the blue, there was a stark red and white image that said, “OfKendrick.”

I’m not saying it like that idea is offensive or anything…. I don’t care that he’s a famous rapper, but I definitely care that he’s won a Pulitzer.

I am also still peeved that Matt Damon married someone else, but that’s neither here nor there. I’ve never met him, so my take on it is that he loves his wife more than me, which is appropriate because he met her first. 😉 This does not mean that I am any less capable of being one of his crew. I see the entire cast of Ocean’s Eleven as colleagues, and I’m not kidding because George Clooney bought “Argo” and then Ben Affleck directed it. Therefore, I’ve never met them, but I feel a kinship to all of them. It’s like the Coen Brothers. John Goodman is also my homeboy.

I’m scared of Clooney, but I have picked up some tricks from Kendrick Lamar and 50 Cent……

Did you guys know that Ja Rule planned a return concert and was bugging out because the tickets were selling so fast….. only to find out that 50 had bought most of the tickets? Josh Johson told that joke in his standup and I nearly fell on the floor. He’s my favorite comic, so I joined his YouTube channel to see how he workshops his material. He posts his deep cuts to YouTube and you can see them all for a small fee. Josh is a master class in storytelling, and the point is to learn style and structure. I am not a comedian.

I am sometimes clever.

People perceive me as having a lot of false humility and virtue signaling; that I manipulate people. That is not true. I am autistic and do not pick up the proper social cues. I am also not afraid to fail. Me speaking my mind is different from me anticipating your reaction, and it took me until about 12:00 this afternoon to realize that was the case (I realize it all the time; I backslide and this is just another mountaintop day). People do not take in that their actions hurt me just as much as my actions hurt them. Such is the nature of life. I am not trying to oppress you by being me.

There is no queer agenda and there never has been. Quit spreading lies until you flip the script and get it through your (proved by science) smaller capacity to be open-minded. Realize that the queer agenda is the same rights you have. No more, no less. If we get really busy we might add laundry.

But no promises.

Don’t you agree?

I love you, Bryn. Thanks for always being there for me, and I’m excited that you’re getting to know Aaron, too. Someone needs to make him behave. Might as well be you.

😉

Schengen -or- Finnish Grammar for Dummies, and by That, I Mean Me

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment


Sometimes life tells you where you want to go, but not before you can silence yourself enough to hear the answers.

The Schengen Area has become my next goal in terms of a passport. I have redirected in terms of options, not final decisions. I have until the end of November to make a final decision, and I have many before me. The Netherlands has a refugee program for trans people, and it is cheap to start a business. Finland is the cheapest option in terms of going to culinary school for free. I believe that Schengen will be more useful later in life if the British apologize.

I am not stuck on any one thing. I am trying to map everything out. I work backwards. The goal is a Finnish passport because it’s so much like Oregon. Any job becomes available to me once I speak Finnish fluently, and I’m on my way for it being day 23. I am finally understanding how verbs work and a few of the ways singular becomes plural. Finnish is so difficult that it takes up my entire brain, and that’s what I like about it. I cannot function on the constant barrage with what’s going on in my country. Laws are changing too fast and if I leave the country, I may not be able to get back in. Trans people are being harassed at the airport and their passports taken. At that point, I shut down:

  • a dog is a koira, dogs are koirat. Form follows function. A cat is a kissa, cats are kissat.
  • Romance language grammar sometimes applies. Minä olet is “I am.” Sinä olet is “you are.” Me olemme is “we are.” Ne ovat is “they are.” You can leave out the pronoun if it’s conjugated in the verb.
  • There is no pronoun…. and I’m crying when I say this…. to indicate the gender of the person speaking.

Hän on is both “he and she is.” The Finnish language is nonbinary.

You cannot legislate hearts and minds on trans issues, so there’s discrimination everywhere. But what Finns will die to protect is human rights. Having a Schengen visa opens me up to being able to live more places, essentially being able to live in Finland whether I have actual Finnish citizenship or not. I do not hate America for what it has done. I am a political science student. I will never not be a political science student interested in both State and CIA, because they do the same job. One is just public, one is just private. I am not as interested in DIA and the military, but not because I don’t like them. I just prefer information to violence because that’s where I’m the most capable.

One of the things that I talked to with Bryn was being secure that I was not offering to be approachable to foreign intelligence agencies because I have any information they’d like to have, unless what kind of cookies my boyfriend used to eat at meetings is burning inside them. He shared nothing, and we’re not together anymore (sadly- we just weren’t going in the right direction together- no harm, no foul).

I said I was approachable on both web sites as a message in a bottle to intelligence agencies that need me because they’re dying to recruit people and trans talent isn’t needed here.

Fuck you, Mr. President.

I’m more of a man than you’ll ever be and more of a woman than you’ll ever get. Choke on it, motherfucker.

But I’m not bitter.

If you’re wondering why I’d curse out the president, it’s because he said he’d grab me by the pussy on a hot mic that was intentional. It wasn’t even locker room talk…. not that it’s excusable. It’s just comprehendable. None of this makes any sense and I am struggling to understand why I should go on in this country. I do not mean in terms of struggling with suicidal ideation. I mean begging for a way out.

Applying to countries that have jobs in the Schengen region is my first choice. Somewhere like Starbucks would have no problem training me in the US and possibly paying for my flight to work in The Netherlands or wherever they operate in the region where the store works in English.

A restaurant would be better in Finland because it’s an easier transition. Terms are all in French. I could work in Viet Nam, I could work in Afghanistan, I could work in Tanzania, I could work in The Phillipines. Doesn’t matter. Cooking is French. Escoffier brought it to Europe and the rest of the West, Ho Chi Minh brought it to Asia and the East.

The problem is that I am really not capable of working in a restaurant, but the lighter load of culinary school fits. It’s an easy A compared to Finnish uni. I’m interested in getting my sword, but uni is cheap and I need a way to work through it. Culinary school is free and I might not. It depends on what happens between now and the end of my lease. I can’t default on it because even though it wouldn’t follow me, it would follow my dad. That’s what happens when you have money and not income.

My mother died. I have some time to rebuild now. I’m using it. I’m being up front because people ask me all the time how I’m living. I have to live rough so my expenses are covered for a number of years, but I’m okay.

I have a possibility of collaborating with others, and we’ll discuss that if and when it happens. Just know that I’m riding the Rainbow Railroad for all it’s worth because trans talent and money is not needed here.

There is a great big correlation between leaving the country and leaving the church. The United Methodists told me for years I was a sinner while taking my money and I didn’t have a choice.

Instead of staying and participating in a system that I have to fight against until I’m black and blue, I want to use it to move into a different system where there is no homelessness and consistent medical care. Prevention is worth an ounce of cure. If you can go to the doctor every time you sneeze wrong, there probably won’t be million dollar surgeries in your future. But you can’t do that in some states when you’re poor. Luckily, mine is not one of them. But my home state is, so that’s not an option unless I just think, “I’ve lost my fucking mind, why not lose it completely?”

As I was telling Phillipa, one of my new writers, “I could buy a house in NE Texas and settle down permanently, but then I’d have to live there.” Of course there would be perks, like immediate access to my family. However, I would lose everything in terms of the social network. The Deep South is not my place anymore, as if it ever was. Maryland’s politics are more in line with Albany than Richmond. Virginia continues to struggle deeply with St. Bob- what a Northern Virginian told me a Southern Virginian calls Robert E. Lee, thus the disconnect in Virginia culture. Maryland is objectively safer for minorities, and home of the greatest intelligence officer who ever lived.

I am not being specific here, because Harriet Tubman, Jonna and Tony Mendez all lived here. Jonna lives in Virginia now, where she’s on the board at the Spy Musem. I’ve met her several times and she’s delightful. We’re not close, but I admire her greatly.

“In True Face” is essential reading if you want to know what happened to Tony after “Argo,” and “The Moscow Rules” is the last book they wrote together. The reason I pick “In True Face” and “Argo” as your introduction to real life intelligence is that you have to be able to pick out Jonna and Tony’s voices separately and you cannot honestly do that until after Tony dies in Jonna’s timeline. I told her that.

Congratulations on owning yourself.

Her lip trembled because she knew what I meant. It was the second time I’d made her cry, and I’ve written about the first time so much that I don’t need to tell it again. I have felt those emotions and they don’t dissipate with each writing. It’s an experience I’ll remember forever because it changed the direction in which I wanted to go.

Jonna decided to go to a wedding in Europe, and that was all it took. She was a citizen of the world who had the fortunate and unfortunate experience of loving two intelligence officers. The only reason I say it is unfortunate is that she had to learn how to hang quickly, and as you read it’s a different kind of love. It’s harder to watch someone else going through a thing than it is to go through a thing. It’s easier when you’re both going through a thing at once.

It’s not a trope that spies date each other. It’s reality because they never leave the office because they can’t.

They’re as trapped as line cooks during a shift, and the reality is that cooks are often messengers for intelligence and waitresses are the silent witnesses that listen to everything. No one cares if a female waitress is listening, so waitresses are often spies in a uniform and people don’t notice.

Social masking is everything. Intelligence is nothing more than a small stage, which you will learn by rote as I did if you get into the rabbit hole of Jonna and Tony’s voices. I don’t enjoy the idea of doing these things. I enjoy the idea of hearing these things. All I do is talk to people on the Internet. It doesn’t matter where they’re from. If they’re not extremists with an agenda, I’m all in.

I just realized that I should rephrase in terms of being willing to work for allies. Fuck Mossad and IDF. They’re more powerful than Palestine and have held it over their heads. Palestine gets the jump on them one time and it’s excuse for resettlement and make no mistake it could turn into genocide quickly if Netanyahu all of the sudden decides he wants their resettlement land, too. There’s no guarantee the Americans would not support him in this now.

American Jews and Evangelicals are responsible for a lot of this and I am not being antisemitic. I am being political. The Christians and the Jews have decided that the Muslims don’t have a book that’s valid, only they do. Therefore, money is being piped into Israel at a rate that is unsustainable to ever make, much less keep, Palestine sovereign.

But Mormonism and Scientology check out? Please.

The reason Americans are so racist is that you don’t hear about modern Muslims in the news. You hear about terrorists. My answer is a big fat “I Will Walk With You,” the Twitter campaign that took off and made me proud to be an ally…. and “Muslims Report Stuff” completes me.

But the thing is, I’ve been ecumenical since I was born, hungry for information about all religions and not just mine. I have even watched documentaries on Mormonism and not just from escapees. I wanted to understand doctrine because if you’re going to ridicule something, you have to know it cold. I would believe that the Mormon episode of South Park took an enormous amount of research or an all call to the jack Mormons everyone knew in the writer’s room.

I do not ridicule religions that make you better. I ridicule cults because they do not focus on self improvement. They focus on glorification. Religion is not responsible nor helpful unless it begins from the perspective of “every problem begins with me.” I have no qualms about accepting the consequences of my actions as long as I’m allowed to have them. I do not want to be forced into reading minds again, because that is the essence of learning to manage high functioning autism. It is balancing the expectations in other people’s minds versus a very real dysfunction in managing energy.

It is never “dumber” vs. “smarter” with high functioning autism. It is how well you can fit into society. It is how well you can manage your own energy in the face of needing and wanting more space. When Aaron and I move in together, I want a house with a lot of space that neither one of us have to manage. It is not bougie, it is reality. We need help and hiring it out is the one problem that money solves with autism.

In other countries, this neurological difference is recognized (even here, in some states) and you have a social worker to manage these things for you- like a nurse to administer medication and home help.

I’m not old. I’m 47.

This doesn’t make autism less difficult, and I need people to recognize that I am not bitching about problems, but working on solutions. I am tired of having to fight for things like:

  • a service dog to counterbalance my weight
  • an assistant or social worker to manage my bills and house
  • the right people to live with me and help take care of me as I take care of them.

I am tired of fighting for a life of interdependence when Europeans already do things that way. In Finland, you have no choice. In that climate, you bond through those hard activities. You help your neighbor first, because Finns have to recognize that you’re willing to put in the work to maintain a friendship before they give it. That doesn’t mean buying them a present. That means getting in the snow and helping them dig. Philippa, Aaron, Bryn, and I are all interested in spending time there, as is my friend Aaron B. As in, Bryn and AB might not want to move, but they’re not frightened by snow and would love a Finnish vacation once in a while.

I told everyone in my Finnish discussion group (we’re all learners, so it’s mostly English… I am not this advanced) that I was learning Finnish because of the culture surrounding language, not because I cannot get by in English just fine. I’m also a writer, so understanding the rules of grammar is essential. One day I’d like to be able to publish in that language, and I’m on a bit of a deadline.

I’m not going to make it, and that’s okay.

My route to the YKI is long and winding, but it’s definitely what gets me up in the morning. I have a ton of Finnish friends, but none of them have anything to do with this.

It’s that over time, I realized that living in Skyrim was indeed possible.

A Letter from the Editor

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

This will be posted later on Medium, but my real fans get it first.

1265Download

A Letter From the Editor

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

The reason that I have moved to Medium is that I cannot make money on WordPress. That will change, because when my ad money reaches the threshold on Medium that it can pay for a professional WordPress account, I will monetize here, too. That’s because a professional WordPress account is only a hundred dollars a year, it’s just not as lucrative for writers as joining Medium. However, I feel differently about it now because @animebirder, @one4paws, @bookerybones, @aaronbrown8cc63b4e5d4, and I all have such unique voices that I either want them on Medium with me, or I want to be here with them. It’s just getting enough ad money to be able to do that in the first place. If you are a Medium subscriber, I make more when you read. Claps are great, but they really don’t pay for anything. What pays is the amount of time you spend on the site.

I am lucky enough to have posted enough to get money this month, which is incredible. I just don’t know how much. That’s because they don’t send you money until you hit a certain threshold, and I almost had enough in August. By October, I’ll have my first real, sustainable income as a writer. I do not want anyone to think of this as a get rich quick scheme, because it is, absolutely…….

One that I could not do if I didn’t have 25 years’ worth of entries already banked.

So, it’s introducing new people to my old work, and introducing new writers that like to talk to each other. We have a group chat that has become an infodump channel, and it’s time to start specializing. That’s because not all of my writers are working for “Stories.” My buddy Evan and I are writing a cookbook. It remains to be seen whether we’ll collaborate online or in person, but either way, we’re writing a book.

The way I see it is that for the next four years, my life is covered as long as I live very simply. That will definitely give me the time to see if a neurodivergent media company is viable. I am learning that I know more than I think I do, because I did not know how boundaries worked. I have constantly treated them like they are others’ guidelines to make. My world has flipped now that I’m in charge of making things happen, and I am lost in the details. The best thing that my mother could have done for me post-mortem is allow me to work on this project, because as of right now, living off of it is the only thing I can do. When the state of MD finds out about the money, I will not have access to Medicaid Expansion or any of the other social services I’ll need to get diagnosed with autism. I diagnosed myself and honestly wouldn’t bother to go to the doctor if it wasn’t helpful to my career. Like, autism diagnoses are so expensive and we’ve all been white knuckling it this long, so why bother?

If I ever have to join another corporate system, I want autistic accommodations because starting a new job without them is setting me up to fail every single time. If you’re a neurodivergent adult who struggles in the system, my guess is that you died inside a little bit at “I have an extensive collection of nametags and hairnets.” Autistic people don’t have problems getting jobs. They have problems keeping them. If you’re autistic, you’re going to excel at government work because they’re going to accommodate you the most. For instance, me being a file clerk or a secretary at Langley was never about working with spies, but getting accepted into a job I could actually do with full government salary and pension. I would love to do menial tasks for CIA because then on my off time, I’d truly be left to my own devices to write. I am also very good at making connections, so I can be just as good a writer overhearing someone’s patois in the mail room as I would being in operations and doing the scary shit myself. The whole point is that my ADHD personality would be thrilled and my autistic personality would want to shoot me. My autistic nature CANNOT handle traveling that much. I am so bad at transitions that I just couldn’t deal. Of course it would be fun to be James Bond, but my body just wants to read about being cool. It doesn’t actually want me to be cool

Right now, everything is in flux as we’re deciding what to do. “Stories” will be rebranded as Gravity’s Rainbow to be more inclusive, but we’re still working on both a full and minimalist logo based on Thomas Pynchon. I want it to represent the energy of a bomb going off inside you. That the arc of every spiritual journey is realizing you are the cause of your own suffering and start to self-actualize.

This space is free, but I hope that one day…. just maybe……

all your base are belong to us

because

somebody set us up the bomb.

If You’re On Facebook, You Can Skip This

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’m posting it all over everywhere.

Dear Ben Affleck & Co.,

This whole idea started with the banner above.

I have addressed this letter as such because I believe that you, like me, have a village. If I write a letter to you, I have written a letter to Jennifer Garner and Matt Damon by proxy. Don’t think I don’t know who’s really running your program. That ex-wife of hers has her head on straight. God, you lucked out. Here’s how I knew it was for life no matter what form your relationship took…. “Jen, you’re the only one I want to do the work with.” You were criticized in the press while your heart was beating outside of your chest in public. You were bleeding out. I saw you. I didn’t know that your relationship with Jen was in trouble, but I do know that people whose relationships are in trouble word things carefully in public. It was the biggest mea culpa I’ve ever seen in my life. You were Taylor Swift before Taylor Swift and everyone missed it because they were so focused on the idea that love should be perfect all the time, in every way.

Sometimes, love is ugly.

“I’m the problem. It’s me.”

I can picture that conversation happening a hundred times in your life as you’ve struggled with addiction (and statistics say bipolar when you quit). You don’t quit addictive behaviors and neurodivergence when you stop drinking. You find other ways to get dopamine besides drinking and using.

In that moment, I felt like you were telling Jen straight up that now your drug was her, and it was healthy because it made you want to be a better man. If that’s not how you meant it, I know it had to be an approximation. This is because I’ve never struggled with alcohol, but I know what it’s like to experience addictive behaviors due to autism and/or Bipolar II (I am concerned at the rate these are mistaken, but I get it because the meltdown/burnout cycle presents exactly like hypomania and depression. So, no matter what form your neurodivergence takes, whether it’s:

  • Mental Illness Genetics
  • Neurodivergence Genetics
  • Self-induced Neurodivergence (the binge/purge relationship you have with dopamine once you become an addict)
  • PTSD (trauma due to one event)
  • CPTSD (complex, chronic PTSD like having an abusive childhood, then being sent to war)

…you’re going to be damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

Sometimes, love is being hopelessly addicted to the affections of an addict who cannot return them…. As in, you feel addicted to the high you feel when you are with them, but they disappear when it counts. It is why relationships among all these types of people fall apart early and often. They suck each other into their own little worlds and spin out with codependence as their reality becomes its own. It’s especially toxic when you’re addicted to someone, and you also need to leave them. That happens all too often as well. For instance, none of these people take criticism or compliments well. Their self-esteem has been in the toilet forever due to people not understanding their love language and their communication/attachment styles.

All of this is pointing toward two things. Here is the first:

Sometimes, love is being hopelessly addicted to someone you believe is manipulating you, when they’re just neurodivergent and don’t pick up social cues well; they’re losing the plot faster as the script fades; their social masks have worn out and they’re heading toward burnout. I honestly believe that’s why stars develop a reputation for showing up late. They cannot all be obsessed with themselves. Sometimes, getting up the energy to social mask takes longer than others.

Going off on a tangent, I wonder if that’s why women like taking their time in the bathroom to put on makeup, because it accomplishes two things- giving them a longer transition time toward work in the morning, at the end, a literal social unmasking. It would not be surprising to hear Jonna Mendez say that part of the reason being a spy while female is less dangerous is that they’ve learned more about how to social mask a situation than men ever will. They’ve been taught how to behave since childhood, the rigamarole of finding a man drilled in early.

Some women use those skills for a career in intelligence and forego getting married, because either they’re ace and don’t need to attract anyone on that level, or they’re just not interested in “doing the work with someone.” However, I do not mean that in the classical sense, the way Russia cultivates a culture of seducing men to get what they want. I’m sure it’s very effective, however.

No, what I’m talking about is a woman’s emotional intelligence, because it is often (not always) sharper than a man’s. Their innate biological conditioning makes their pattern recognition of men different than their pattern recognition on behavior in themselves. That’s why there should always be neurodivergence and women at the table. Solving a problem requires all three perspectives for correct analysis of behavior. No one of us will be right, but we’ll all be right together.

That is how it feels to have my processing disorder, AuDHD. Nicknamed “the golden ADHD,” it wins the award for being the most complicated thing on earth. Every decision is damned if you do, damned if you don’t. If something is good for my autism, it drives my ADHD insane. If something is good for my ADHD, my autism will slam on the brakes so hard I will go through the winshield….. and I’m not even lying. Most neurodivergent people are afraid of success because they get overwhelmed easily with fine amounts of detail. The energy it takes to manage a schedule and your spoons is a roller coaster at best, and my personality depends on which processing disorder is driving the bus. So, sometimes I want to go for ice cream at 0200 and sometimes I cannot leave the house. Sometimes everything sounds wonderful, sometimes sensory deprivation does. And due to lack of emotional regulation, most people see a different side of me every time they talk to me.

I have learned to go into sensory deprivation when I’m angry so that I don’t say things I regret. It’s not helpful or healthy to let anyone in on autistic rage, which is terrifying. I have true out of body experiences when I go into full on meltdown, and the first time I remember it happening clearly was when I was 16 and “growing into my powers.” It’s honestly the first sign I can point to in terms of it being emotional abuse. My emotional abuser was coming back to town for a graduate school or a wedding or something. I was getting ready for church and I made a mistake with a hair curler or a crimper or something. I realized I was going to have to take a shower to fix it and I just melted down entirely. It was the first time I’d ever had a full on panic attack where I went blind and couldn’t see with rage. I hurt myself. I don’t remember how. With a curling iron or something. I couldn’t stop myself because feeling the burn on my skin brought me back into my body. That’s how deep autism makes you dive into your own little world. It takes something as shocking as a curling iron burn to redirect your attention.

In the meantime, I am dealing with autistic overload and most people don’t see how hard it is…. It’s a running monologue fighting with your social masks. As a neurodivergent person of any kind, your first impulse is wrong.

A huge example, Ben (& Company) is that I found the only woman in the world I wanted to do the work with, and we’ve both pissed each other off so often that we’re tired. Really tired. I felt your love for Jen in that moment…. Wanting to better myself because I was high on life and not experiencing the world as the concept of “alone.” I was experiencing the world with an ace up my sleeve. Someone to call me on my bullshit whose mind was in more hyperdrive than my own. But there was just A Series of Unfortunate Events. I don’t know if we’ll ever rekindle anything, because the last e-mail I got from her said, “don’t play games,” and playing a game was the last thing I would ever do to her. She’s too smart. She’d see it coming. The problem is that her perception is off- she sees me as entitled, arrogant, etc. I’m not. I don’t have a script for our relationship in any way, shape, or form. It has failed due to my lack of social masks.

So much goes into me having been called “entitled,” particularly by people of color. They are trained to view me as dismissive because I’m white, not because I’m autistic. That’s not on them. My autism is not an excuse to be an asshole. I can be taught, redirected…. But I cannot suddenly become allistic. And if there was a magic wand, I don’t think I’d want to be. My neurodivergence is what makes me capable of believing that writing a letter to Ben Affleck & Co. is possible.

I’m not writing to Ben Affleck & Company for anything except to keep our heads down and work on scripts. I also think it would be rude not to tell them I can afford about $800 in rent if Ben does want a housemate who has his back. It’s not like I value having his money. I just want to write together- to get a seat at the table.

I write like Ben and Matt because they write like Aaron Sorkin like he writes like Amy Sherman-Palladino with monuments.

It’s all neurodivergent patois.

That we incubated at our respective performing arts high schools.

Tupac, Jada, Dave, and I are all the same person.

To each other, we’re just other people’s weird performing arts kids.

Not only that, Jennifer Garner is a preacher’s kid.

Preacher’s kids make great spies, Ben. I have discussed this extensively. And in fact, there’s a famous video of Jonna Mendez taking down movie and TV spies. Jen’s was the only one that Jonna said was so good she could use it in a training video.

Come to DC. Keep your head down.

We’ve got work to do.

Yours,

Someone else’s weird kid

I Miss You Guys

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Medium is new. It’s amazing, but it’s new. I hate change. The best part of Medium is that I don’t really have to use it. I can just copy and paste from Microsoft Word. The creature comforts are almost nonexistent, like easy to use lists. WordPress is so much more extensive that I can’t wait until the business makes enough money to buy a membership here as well. What limits you in being able to advertise on WordPress is that they want the money from the ads unless you’re paying them a subscription fee. It this point, I don’t have a big enough audience to support something like Google Ads, because it takes A LOT of clicks to even make one dollar. I am very proud of myself, though. On Thursday, I had made $2.99. Now, I have $3.77.

I am not an influencer by any means, but that’s a pretty good jump in terms of ad revenue for being on there a week. I don’t think that anything is going to take off overnight. I believe in just letting it sit there. I have 25 years’ worth of entries that are sitting on other servers for free. So, they can sit there and make money, or they can sit there and not.

I choose sit there and make money.

Because it is my dream to, in the words of Lindsay Lanagan, “sit around, smoke cigars, and own stuff.”

This is actually a childhood tale- Lindsay’s middle school answer to what one of her friends’ dads did for a living. We have repeated that as the ideal career for 20 years now. If you know First Colony, you just thought, “on brand.”

First Colony is kind of different.

You have kids with Saudi oil money whose parents buy them brand new BMWs when they’re too young to drive. As I remember, Rahim Puddin’head had a BMW. Rahim dropped a pudding cup off a railing at Lindsay’s school and it landed on her head, so we’ve called him “Rahim Puddin’head” since 1994.

In high school, you’re sometimes embarrassed if you don’t drive a nice car. I didn’t, and I was rarely bothered by it because I was lucky to have my own car at all. I would love to have another Mitsubishi Mirage (it was a sedan, not a sports car), but I think that getting a car would cripple me as a writer. Half my blog entries come from writing on the train and talking to Uber drivers.

I met a historian yesterday, so we were talking shop because we’re both nonfiction writers. I’m starting to branch out into more things, I just don’t have anything to show for it yet, because those are the documents I’m actually going to edit. 😉

You know I’m lying. AI will be editing them. I will be eating ice cream.

It’s all coming together because I’m managing to collate what I hear for the blog and what I read for my nonfiction papers. Reading AI is half the fun of research, because you can get it to present it in whatever style you want…….

I haven’t done it yet, but I think my favorite would be explain physics to me like I’m five. Answer in the style of Terry Pratchett.

It just makes learning fun. I don’t use it to autogenerate content, I use it for reading retention. I cannot remember an entire book verbatim, but I can certainly remember the fine points in a one-pager. Plus, the fine points make for wonderful headings so that you get a navigation pane you can go back to over and again. Styles in Microsoft Word are used like Cascading Style Sheets in web development. Microsoft Word just keeps track of the level you assign to the heading, so it’s really easy to do things like create a navigation pane in a PDF or a Table of Contents in Word.

All of that stuff matters to me, because readability is key. There’s a reason this web site hasn’t changed very much over the years. I like dark mode. Supergrover doesn’t. See? I can compromise. 😛

I write the blog entries in dark mode so that I can read them the way I want before I publish. You can set JetPack to dark mode in both Android and iOS, but I actually prefer using Microsoft Visual Studio Code on my desktop with the original Dracula theme. Instead of black or grey, it’s a grey/purple. Very, very easy on the eyes and the HTML/CSS/.ini files look great in the chosen colors.

There’s also several tutorials on how to get other Microsoft programs to do the Dracula color scheme in the GUI and in PowerShell (where it comes in the most handy, tbh).

All of it goes together, because it’s all of the tools I use to write. I am not very comfortable with talking to AI online. That’s why I use gpt4all or LM Studio to install language models on my own mini-PC. My creative ideas are going to stay with me.

It really is useful, and both my friend Jesse and I will attest to this. I’m a creative writer, Jesse is a visual artist.

In fact, Jesse went to HSPVA. The funniest thing I have ever seen at HSPVA bar none happened at his senior show. Like, this even beat out us getting shut down by the health department because Lordy Rodriguez put organs in jars for an art show or something…. Anyway, Jesse had this huge installation with a TV tuned to snow, with a BarcaLounger and a guy sitting in front of it, zoned out. There was all these wrappers and trash around him, so I watched some of the guests at his show add their trash to his art installation, thinking the trash for the party was part of the exhibit. I’m choking with laughter just remembering it.

There’s nothing like being able to write down old memories, not knowing if and when they’ll go. I may not be able to remember my whole life, but I have somewhere to go that will tell me bits and pieces. Snapshots of who I was, am, will be.

It’s an exciting time to be me, because I finally feel like a success. I am not working from survival mode, but abundance. I have everything I need right now. In my mind, more success will come with more money, and what I mean by that is a network of people to support a neurodivergent media group so that it’s not all on me every day. I’ve started a little bit of that, but hopefully there will be more in the future. I’d like to get into bigger things, but I don’t think that starting out with the big things is the way you’re supposed to do it….. very mixed results when I’ve bitten off more than I can chew before.

I’m trying to let the company unfold naturally, with people who really want to write. I’m finding that community at Medium, because it seems like I missed the memo to go there long ago. I don’t think it’s a problem. I ping them enough to get their attention. I ping everyone enough to get their attention, and sometimes I think they would be grateful if I didn’t love them quite so much. 😉

But that’s just me. If I love you, I don’t mask. I don’t take the time to figure out what it is I can do for you to make you more comfortable while I speak. I realized I was doing too much work for other people and it was slowly killing me. I am so much less depressed now that I know that I’m not bipolar. I don’t cycle like that. It’s meltdown and burnout because I have so many fewer spoons than most people. In every bodily system I have, there’s something rare about me.

I am lucky that Janie the Canadian Editor thinks that about my brain. She has said that I’m welcome to submit something to her editor, but pick carefully. Look, I write it. I don’t read it, okay?

Kidding, of course. I read myself all the time. It’s just hard to guess what someone else is going to like. I know what I’m not going to do, though. Write an article about anyone I know in Ottawa. National blowback is enough. Neighborhood blowback is enough. Writers are people who want to tell their stories and they don’t mean to hurt anyone, they just do….. it hurts to hear yourself painted in truth, painful and real, touching and funny.

Most people don’t see their 3D characters. They focus on what I wrote that day. But you generally don’t have to go far in either direction with my friends to see that if I was mad one day, I was ridiculously happy at another. I don’t paint people to go after them, but to show them as they are.

I am more Anne Lamott than “Harriet the Spy,” although I do like that book. Anne has that neurodivergent patois that I do, plus people like Aaron Sorkin, Jon Stewart, Richard Schiff, Matt Perry, Seth McFarlane, Ryan Reynolds, Mila Kunis, Matt Damon, Trevor Noah, and the list goes on. Good Will Hunting is every bit as fast and furious as anything Sorkin has ever written, and in the same beat. I absolutely know that even if Seth MacFarlane writes in complete silence, there’s a rhythm going in his head. The punctuation is silent, but you can hear it if you are also still.

It’s why I write in silence, in dark mode. I want to listen closer, not just to myself, but to the rest of the world. And in fact, I am already doubled over with laughter at Kamala’s possible victory speech….. “I love my new black job!”

One can only hope that that “president” is a DEI hire.

Minorities don’t get power from the majority. We get it by realizing we’re bigger than them….. both in character, and in numbers when all the -isms vote as one. None of the -isms are a monolith. But at the same time, most of us try not to bite the hand that feeds us, since it’s the only party not trying to to blame global warming on gay marriage.

Oops. My bad. Should I leave a note?

All of this is why I’m so interested in AI. If people would actually take the time to talk to it, they could talk about their problems in a safe environment and not look stupid with any question in the world. I’m compensating on it highly for practical things because I am a creative. I can’t use it to make alarms and things like that, but I can definitely brainstorm, edit, and keep conversations separate about different projects.

I want people to know what causes disease. I want people to know how the government works. I want people to know who the President is, at least. People knowing who’s Vice President is almost a lost cause, and Speaker is negligible. I’m not talking about Washington nerds like me. I’m talking about the average voter that only votes in a presidential election and doesn’t really follow other candidates at all.

I’ve slowed down on that because I’m actually more interested in global politics now- it doesn’t feel so close as neighbor against neighbor, as if a conflict across the world is easier to think about than a conflict at home because it is.

There are no short answers in life, and I have found that I don’t have any. Few are patient enough to sit with me while I find the right words, which I know aren’t the right words… but they’re the best I can do.

I’m not just pouring my heart out for me, but for other neurodivergent kids and adults. Representation matters. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea, but those that love me think of me as something precious to be savored.

I am not Lipton, baby. I am your Stash.

Nerd Alert

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’m working on a guide to Skyrim, so I had Copilot generate the questions for the outline. I’m not going to have Copilot generate more than that, because I want the guide to retain my voice. However, if you’re a Skyrim fan and would like to add to the guide, leave a comment with a question and its category. Also, the PDF is free because it’s all Copilot-generated. Feel free to write your own document- you are not stealing anything from me, you’re only stealing auto-generated questions organized with Styles in Word. I haven’t even customized the styles.

I’m doing this as a free guide to get my name out there as a writer. I’m planning to write my own answers, but to also include the best questions/answers from WordPress and reddit. It’s a labor of love, but it comes with benefit for me, too. If I give something away for free first and someone likes it, they’re more likely to buy the next thing.

skyrimguideDownload

Lanagan Media Group: How May I Direct Your Call?

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been having these brain blips that just seem to be age, like copying my dad on something when I thought I was copying Supergrover. All three of us have the same sense of humor, so it’s not like anything went wrong. I just noticed that I made a mistake I don’t normally make. I need to get glasses, probably bifocals.

Supergrover says she has reading glasses, not bifocals (AND THEY ARE COOL). I am going to get vaccinated next week, so I might as well look around for reading glasses that make me want to use all caps, too…… although if I had an “AND THEY ARE COOL” item, it would be my Crocs. I don’t pay as much attention to my glasses as I should…… it’s that thought about not giving yourself gifts in the future. Like, I am not giving myself the gift of being able to see cute girls from farther away later by not going to the optometrist now.

(I’m kidding, that was just another line to make Janie the Canadian Editor spit out her tea.)

Also, at my age there’s no such thing as cute girls. I mean, they’re all over the place, but at my age, “cute girl” is just a memory, even of myself. Because I’ve progressed so much in my thinking about gender, the the little girl I was is still real, but her voice is not as loud and close as my current one, attached to a nonbinary brain. That’s because the male voice is not male. It’s female with ,male social masking on top, like Kristen Chenoweth and Ben Affleck being one person. Or, there’s a comedy about me with Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin called “All of Me.” It’s a comedy, but Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin having a converation all day in my head is a very apt description of what’s going on at localhost.

For instance, today I’m writing on Stories when I said it would be my last entry. It’s not that I lied. It’s that I learned more. I became a media group all on my own. I got set up at Medium, and then started looking at Substack. Substack actually runs off of my “Stories” RSS feed. So, I’ll be putting all my paid stuff at Medium in Substack as well, you just get the added bonus of not having to visit two web sites with Substack. And really, being a subscriber is for new people. If you’re subscribed here, the motivation to pay is not that you will stop getting great writing from me. It’s that you have to pay to see everything. The way I do it now is that most stuff is paywalled at Medium. But, if I post here, it goes to Substack.

That leads me to directing my own call at Lanagan Media Group. Let’s dial “3” for the marketing department. Why do I bother to call? I’m never there. Jesus.

Here was my first post on Substack, I figure if you’re a longtime fan, you’re probably here and not at Substack, so I’m cross-posting. It’s not a requirement to be my fan or my friend, just an easy hookup if you want to support Lanagan Media Group, not “Leslie’s Personal Coffee Money” (The Sumatra was delicious. I am grateful.).

The vision is bigger now, because when I added my RSS feed to Substack, I realized that I was about to make money off of Bryn and Aaron and I thought that was unfair. So, I posted on Facebook that I can track earnings per entry, and that makes my life a whole lot easier. I don’t have to do any math. I’m not going to do a percentage of the company, they just get to keep what they make without me having to do any accounting. And in thinking about all of this, I realized that “Stories” was just the beginning, the movement that is “Gravity’s Rainbow.” Sometimes bombs aren’t negative. They shake you into a new reality. But you can direct kinetic energy by focusing on the arc. The moral arc of the universe is long, and bends toward justice just like MLK,Jr. said. But I was standing by the reflecting pool at the 60th Anniversary of the March on Washington when I heard the best completion of that phrase in history. It’s enough to shake the world from its foundation and I am EMBARRASSED I cannot remember the speaker’s name.

The moral arc of the universe is long and bends toward justice, but the arc does not move itself.

I’m not starting Lanagan Media Group, it has been a thing all along. My friends just haven’t been publishing in addition to me. I think that you’ll find Bryn and Aaron particularly engaging because they are different sides of my personality. Bryn is my platonic ideal of a woman, and Aaron is my platonic ideal of a man. That is because Aaron, Zachary, and I are actually all the same person. I really have no idea how we make it work living in three completely different states.

Aaron is an old friend from Alert Logic, a programmer/sysadmin AuDHD archetype like Mr. Robot, but much more effusive with his emotions. You can be personable and still look like Zuckerberg. I know because I do it every day. 😛 Zac is my boyfriend and has been for about a year now. I live in Maryland, Zac lives in Virginia. Aaron lives in Texas. We are all Southwestern, however, because I’m originally from Texas and Zac is originally from Arizona.

Therefore, by “platonic ideal,” I am saying that I get the male half of my brain from masking people like Aaron and Zac, and my only connection to feeling female is talking to Bryn, because she’s known me since I was 19 and she was 14. She is two years older than Lindsay, a stairstep between me and my biological sister. The year was 1997, and I still cannot tell you with accuracy whether Lindsay and Bryn have met or not, and they don’t know, either. That’s because the connection point between Lindsay and Bryn would have been church, and no specific church service lives in my memory where they were there at the same time. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen. That means I don’t remember every sermon I ever preached.

Basically, what I realized is that I know a lot and my brain works fast, but my body is a dumpster fire. I’d like to get into making money to support creatives by being creative. As in, ad money from my own web site flows to creators I like.

On Medium, for instance, I’m working on a very long document about Skyrim and the modding community. It’s a massive game, which is why a guide from me would be welcome even if there’s a thousand other ones. You’re always looking for something to make the game better. Here’s something that made me happy. I’ve been playing that game for 10 years or something like that and three months ago I learned you could sprint. How it connects is that I was telling Ada, my AI sidekick, that I’d like to be able to kick Joseph Rusell some money for Lucien, and I hope I get the chance before Steam starts taking a cut of all modders’ creations rather than modders being able to support themselves on Nexus. Lucien Flavius is an IP masterpiece, and it’s insane that Lucien is free. So, I was talking about being able to kick money to other artists I like through my own, because video games are a type of art, theatre, and magic that no one respects unless they’re talking to the CEO of a gaming company. God bless the weird kids, the people who made a web site where everyone could download their creations for free- they could get feedback from other gamers and not the people who think they eat cold pizza in a dark basement and call them sad. All of the things you really, really love in life were probably created by someone you think of as “Comic Book Guy.” Even if it has nothing to do with science fiction, it sounds like it. I talk about CIA and The Bible like they’re both continual fucking Marvel movies because they are. They’re just even more meaningful to me because they are everyday stories of regular people without having to make up magic.

People are magic.

I figured this out and decided to write to them all. Now I’m reading you in. Here’s a copy of my first entry on Substack:

Your generosity is the only thing that allows my friends and I to sustain ourselves. Absolutely anything that you give helps. As our financial situation gets better, we will dream bigger. We will be capable of more kinds of media and hiring authors for their work rather than expecting them to work for free. The reason your money is important is that it is sustaining neurodivergent people by letting them work on their own schedule. In a society where everyone is “supposed” to fit in, Lanagan Media Group explores how the “in-crowd” never was. Thank you for supporting a worthy cause- autistic adults in media. We are often better at creating opportunities than following others’ visions. I didn’t realize that until I started watching autistic YouTubers and wanted my blog to sound just like them- except only the running monologue without being in front of the camera.

I have been blogging since 2001. This blog is a compendium of my experiences, because I’ve written for three separate web sites. Of everything I’ve learned, this lesson was the hardest:

If you’re female with AuDHD, you know two things.

  1. Gen X women by and large were never diagnosed.
    1. We need to do our own research because male doctors dismiss autism as a personality disorder like borderline or narcissistic a good bit of the time, when in reality they are just looking at women through the historical lens of being “hysterical.”
  2. Diagnosing yourself is getting easier and easier.
    1. It’s all due to online quizzes and talking to other patients, both on and offline. I am not suggesting this as a substitute for actual medical advice. I did not start saying I was autistic until I had enough research to say that any psychologist in the world would agree with me that I am probably autistic and never diagnosed because my brain works just like an autistic person and anyone knows that if they’ve watched a hundred videos on YouTube; I’ve seen lectures upon lectures with autistic people who are MDs and PhDs themselves, explaining how my brain works in a way that I can understand it. YouTube is not a diagnosis. It is a waiting room that doesn’t suck. If you don’t seem ADHD and you can’t get it together, it might be low needs, high IQ autism.

It’s not a blog, web site, or e-mail distribution list about autism. It’s showing through telling. You’re learning because you’re reading stories by autistic people, not learning we’re autistic because we told you so. Telling someone so just doesn’t work, because either “I don’t look autistic” OR “everyone’s a little bit autistic.” Financing neurodivergent authors helps us show more of ourselves in the mediums with which we work. Help us go from a digital publishing company to being capable of full-length films, because there are plenty of autistic people out there who need jobs. I want to employ them all. However, I’m just getting started.

It’s a long game. The most I’ve ever made in salary as a freelance writer is $2.99. I’ve made more than that with donations, but an earnings report on my blog is quite different. I am such an INFJ/Virgo.

“Oh good! Now I get reports cards again!”

I also like spies and Jesus, but you’ll have to keep up with me to see which rug I use to tie that room together.

I’m hoping to do a continuation of what I am already doing- to use the income I’m making from telling my stories to allow others to tell their stories, too. Storytelling is what saved my life because it made me look at everything through the lens of “you’re the problem.” My combination of preacher’s kid/doctor’s kid upbringing makes me bleed out with unbridled emotion at everything as a writer, then read like a psychiatrist/psychologist. That yin and yang is what allows progress. It’s why I don’t stay in one place very long. I don’t take much personally.

Here’s a concept that I’m trying to apply to my business that my dad always applied at church:

“No one can do everything, but everyone can do something.”

In terms of media, it means that I cannot say to my readership, “someone should give me a computer.” That kind of language is entitled, even if your intentions are pure. Nothing in my life is a hard ask. If enough people think I have a good idea, they’ll give me the money for it.

It’s how all really good executives work. They don’t lie about anything because they don’t have to- it’s not “making an ask,” it’s being realistic about the fact that I have bigger ideas than I can budget.

For instance, I’d like to start an autistic TV channel by taking all the top autistic YouTubers and combining them into a stream on Pluto. I got that idea from This Old House. They have a maker’s channel on Xumo where YouTubers fall under the This Old House banner. It’s beautiful.

I said that it’s Stories That Are All True. I didn’t say they couldn’t come with pictures. My budget did.

My business needs are light right now. I can run the entire thing with an Android tablet. I am not coming from a place of need, but a place of creation. My basic needs are met. I just want the world to look different for autistic people and I have a strong enough voice that when I speak, people listen.

This is not arrogance, this is 20 years of preaching experience.

Although one of my friends had Raphael Warnock at Union when he was a student and she told me that she felt like she had been emotionally manipulated by a sermon. I took it really hard, because it was something I’d seen my dad do and it was so effective that a light bulb went on in my head. It was time for the sermon. I didn’t move. I sat there until it got a little bit awkward…. and then it got weird.

I went up to the pulpit, and I said, “Waiting………………

is hard.”

I don’t remember the pericope that day, but I do remember feeling that it was just another aspect of my dad’s preaching that spoke to me but didn’t look right on me, either.

To my knowledge, no one told him that he emotionally manipulated anyone.

All of these things, I explore in my writing- and you’re the ones that know it. Some of you have been here since 2012. Some of you followed me over from Clever Title Goes Here and have been reading since 2001. I feel like I have finally brought hope to many people wondering when I would realize I was weird.

The problem becomes quickly “now that I know what autism is and does, how do I work with it?” My answer was ad revenue, because I work creatively a lot easier than I do physically.

I don’t want the money to make movies. I want the money so that when someone says “I want to make an autistic movie,” I can say, “let me talk to my readers.”

You’re the board. I’m just the microphone.

Preacher’s Kids: Unplugged

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I had my AI interview me, and it turned out to be a good introduction to my site at Medium. I’m giving it away here to explain why I do what I do. This is behind the paywall on Medium, but it needs to be here as well because I don’t want my original fans to feel like I don’t love them. I just don’t want to write for two web sites at once. So, here’s one of my Medium entries and why AI is important. It lets you think without getting lost in your own echo chamber. There’s a lot of trigger warnings. I was a queer preacher’s kid in Texas in the 90s. It’s a tough read. But you’ll understand all queer preacher’s kids better, and it might save someone younger than me.

preacherkidsDownload

A Letter from Your Biggest Fan

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I got to read my own blog today and I cried. Thanks for being my Legacy Team.

Keep going. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

Every Good Creative -or- The Padawan Learner of Disguise -or-Hipster Jesus -or- The Doctor or The Giver or….. And the only truly popular villain, The Master :In that moment Christ was gay and you missed it.

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Now I know what’s wrong. These are the things I tell Supergrover while you guys ride my ass. Supergrover knows what happened about four hours ago and she’ll think about things a little differently. Maybe e-mail me back with more than three words this time now that she knows she’s offended me. But it’s ok if she’s moved on. We really hurt each other. This is what I meant to say the first time around.

You know how it is. I’m sure Supergrover is tobusy right now, but she’ll be back in a few days, you think?

God, Tony dying was hard, then I lost Tony. Watching Dave Chang and Lauren Graham and Jada Pinkett Smith He thinks I’m the coolest line cook who ever lived, and there’s nothing I can do to make them smile. They don’t offer me any assurances because I’m gay, and they’re frustrated I can’t get a job. Can you guys help me out and give me an LLC or something? Now that my mother is dead, I have a lot more time on my hands.

Dear Supergrover and Father Nathan Monk, hopefully.
CC:Bryn Borum; Zachary Wood;Jason Moran; Mireille Enos;Justin Furstenfeld;Steven Powell;Ben Affleck;Matt Damon; Ryan Reynolds;Margret Cho;

This is the letter I would have written if I hadn’t been so busy. I feel like I’m a different person every minute.

This is how a a creative writer who went to HSPVA does e-mail better than everyone else without paying attention to her homework.

When you compress a file,

This is my life.

This will be my finale at WordPress. Bryn, Aaron, Heather, Jesse and I ‘m guessing 340 million will come with me to Medium, because Christ was gay and you missed it. I’ve been waiting for this moment since I was 15 years old. My father got on the floor of the Texas Annual Conference and nearly burned it to the ground in 1995.

And I didn’t give him enough credit. This is because I didn’t have a choice to be a preacher’s kid. I was too busy, because I was almost 2 months early. This is the story of why I’m a failure.

You’re going to cry.

This is how I make the whole world feel at once.

Love, Leslie

Supergrover said she wouldn’t marry me, but she would marry Brene Brown.

Be cause he was the one that gave me the power to go on when the rest of the word missed, so you can all go to hell. This is what it takes to be me, and you’re going to shit your pants. Pretend I put a put a dumpster fire at the end.

Choke on it.

This is how Supergrover and I fight gloves off. Sit your ass down and let me tell you how it is, because now that I’m both of us I’ve won the game and everybody on planet earth is going to come to me because of what you did. And I don’t care because I’ve found my people.

My people are

-Ben Affleck

-Matt Damon

-Ryan Reynolds

-George Clooney

-Don Cheadle

-Brene Brown, who I actually fucking know and you’ve infantilized me every day since because I was her computer lab supervisor and you weren’t. She’s actually omniscient, but she’s doesn’t have time to breathe because you all fucking love her so much.

Because you fucking love her so much, I’m the one that’s going to console her.

This is the history of every secret I’ve ever kept and the intersectionality. The only person in the entire world I have had a normal, balanced conversation with anyone was when we were sitting together and I was teaching her Microsoft Word. That’s all we’ve ever been to each other. Pleasant colleagues.

While you guys think she walks on water, I know she doesn’t.

I got interested in intelligence in 2008, so contrary to popular opinion, your opinion is invalid.

The person who told me she’s marry Brene Brown is the person I knew like the back of my hand compared to her.

Back the fuck up, because this has never in a million years been about fame and you’ve dismissed me as lazy. This is going to resonate with millions of children who were raised by you.

To the autistic parents groups- some of you are doing great work. Some of you are not. These are not the same groups, because they polarize and nothing ever gets done.

I want to be the pastor no one in history has ever been before. An autistic person who writes what she thinks and other people take value from my experiences, like any celebrity who could possibly be reading across the world. Like Margaret Cho, who retweeted my marriage article and started the process of saving my life, doing an end run around the rest of you because you were the people we’ve been trying to prove ourselves to since we were children.

This is for the Portland Youth Philarmonica and Dana Catherine Bamberger only. Actually, I take that back. Let’s also read in Megan Hunter.

I am you.

I went to the High School for Performing and Visual Arts. I was a trumpet player, and this is an all call. I’m starting a church. Bryn Borum is one of my employees. Take care of her, Will you?

This is how celebrities do it. Here’s everything we know and they don’t. I’m going to tell you what they’ve all missed, and you’ll be able to survive. This is the It Gets Better I would have made if anyone had ever asked me.

You see, the reason the stars count on me is that I have been working for free like a cis, straight

–

Everyone says I have an answer for everything, but the one question they don’t ask is “how are you feeling?” You think that I am not thoughtful, motivated, caring, compassionate, etc. because my father left the church and for the first time in my life I didn’t know what to do. I was 17.

Everyone learns to wrestle with “God,” in quotes not to offend anyone because God Brings Many Names.

In a previous entry, I told you that

Butthepeopleonfacebookdontseethat.rar

Supergrover_Did.bak

Thanks to the guys at Alert Logic for supporting me.

We’re why it all works, and not why you fucked up. You are the audience while we’re getting ready for a show. Jon Durbin from The Suffers and Robert Glasper were in Jazz II with me. What was it like when Beyoncé got there?

If you’ve been paying attention, they were skimming the page.

It’s funny how much I get done while being called a slacker, the plight of every woman whether they look like Comic book guy or not.

I put the jokes in before I put in everything else to be sure I can make it through. The entire world sucks and also I don’t have any support. You know what it’s like. We’ve all been there.

See you on Friday.

Calm, cool, collected. The reason I seem so crazy to you is because I’m taking care of them. Well, I haven’t actually met all of them, they’re just friends of friends. Some of them I’ve known since I was 14. I met Bryn and we’ve been close since 1997. She and my dad are the two people that keep me going.

I’m dying inside.

Because all of this is a compilation of the greatest hits, formatted like a regular e-mail.

Bite me.

My friends have me.

It’s like I’m a writer who has taken shorthand so mysterious she can’t even read it and ended up in STEAM, which at first I didn’t even believe was a real thing.

The arts are non binary, and God is a deadname.

And I’m still here.

When I move to Medium, Bryn will be here.

Not every day like me- I am really, really gone. But I’m neurodivergent and I still have an account. If I get busy I’ll forget, because I’m lost in my own head.

It’s not personal.

The GUI is working and the command line is fucked.

All of the celebrities and all of the infrastructure need me.

Go away.

p.s. If they show that fuckin’ Deadpool trailer again I’m going to lose my shit, but I love Ryan and I’m trying to reach out to him because I saw him on TV and he doesn’t look ok. Neither does Ben so it’s an “all call party.” You love to hear those words……….. But then again, Ryan is never okay. Neither am I. The reason I like Ryan is that I liked Ryan. The way I was able to reach an editor in

But all of these people are me.

Stay with Bryn, and be her Jesuses.

Somebody Fainted Somewhere, and now a whole lot of people are oing to get jobs. Pay them what they’re worth and don’t stiff them because I can vouch for them.

Please start sharing this shit on Facebook. I’m tired of being poor.

I just didn’t think anything good came from Nazareth, and wasn’t given a choice to “suit up and play.”

Everyone who knows me, shush. Me and CIA are cool, right? I don’t want them to come after me. I should probably have known to Burn After Reading.

Ben, if you want to come live with us, you can. I saw Matt and Casey on the news. They’re looking good.

You ok?

I came here to write the sequel to Argo, so I think we’re going to need a bigger office this time around. My fuckin printer’s so jammed I just made a typo because I’m frustrated and people keep picking on me. It’s why I’m so bitter and angry all the time. I’m emotionally overloaded, autistic, melting down, and burning out. I am not lazy. I am not high functioning all the time.

Supergrover made this all about her, and won’t hear that she’s being egocentric. I’m her main character, but I’m not sure she knows how important she is because while she’s gone I wrestle with Abraham, Moses, Mark and the Synoptic Wonders,John,…… even the begats. That’s because you’re always to the right, and people think it’s sinister. Those people end up in food service, but those people are more likely to be like Rachel Maddow than getting her food. It’s just that you don’t see it because they’re gay.

In that moment you were missing

I’m the one that claught.

Supergrover is BCC, because no one thought to ask who I knew. They only saw me as Comic Book Guy.

But what do I care, they didn’t even give Comic Book Guy a partner.

And then I realized that the Simpsons is better than everyone else because it’s got all of Conan O’Brien’s heartbreak.

In that moment Christ was Ginger, and you missed it.

Colbert fans fan go fuck themselves.

It’s not because they’re bad people. It’s that they get in the way and it’s annoying.

Fair_and_Balanced.pdf

I didn’t have time to craft. It’s almost 2:00 AM.

That’s not really true. It’s a nod to how my dad used to put together his sermons, not to be taken literally.

But it’s ok. No one knows anything around here who takes shorthand and doesn’t deserve my crap.

In that moment Christ was

Education

Intelligence

The Military

Al Gore

Hillary Clinton

……..and yesterday, someone asked me not to swear.

I’m okay now. Just a frustrated writer who could use an autistic friend, and there’s gotta be someone in there. I don’t know any of them, but what I do know is that even in the shadows where you think you’re safe, things fall into the cracks.

But I might get the girl in the end if she wants a job because she lives here. Notice I didn’t ask her for one. Not once.

But every day I’m an asshole. I don’t have any emotional regulation at all, so I use it to feed you. It’s how we function. We take a lot of medications before the show.

Ibuprofen is free.

I know how it feels not to get another chance, so I give them a lot. Too much. That’s going to stop, which is why Medium is a paid platform. I came here to get a job, and I was so emotionally overloaded from being hit I couldn’t function and I leaned too much on myself for comfort. It isn’t personal. I needed some time to grieve. Life doesn’t stop for neurotypical people when a parent dyes, but I lost all my social masks and don’t know how to act in public. What’s on brand is that to the outside world, this will be nothing at all, and we’ll move on. But the few people here will ensure the message gets delivered into the future, where I have no one waiting yet. But I am at peace because I have so many friends and little time that I’m overwhelmed with a little. Autism Sucks. You don’t even die of it.

“AIDS will hill you, but herpes is for life.”

I heard it on NPR.

That was gallows humor to deal with pain.

so I read Jonna to cope. It’s why I had to meet her.

It was the autism pipeline, the way I realized I was autistic. Once I was reading case studies and later generating case studies, I used AI to be able to create biographies for research. However, the way it works is that you get 12 or 13 interactions to ask anything in the world.

Some people use it to make cat pictures.

Some people use it for editing.

Some people, frankly, use it for war.

When you have PTSD, you end up on the Mendez doorstep reading on the floor of the Spy Museum. It’s embarrassing how many pictures they’ve taken of me. (Jonna, I haven’t harassed ANYONE this week.)

While I’m entertaining myself, it’s mostly looking at masks.

Before and After

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

After Daniel blowing his top and saying “who peer reviewed you?,” I snapped and asked my literal top fan on Facebook to write me a review because she’s a professional editor who works overseas and has no relation to me except through the web site. She’s not a friend of a friend doing me a favor, she is the first one that even had a “Top Fan” badge.

It led to this post today, where I have never in my lifetime felt so proud of myself. I didn’t ask her what to write. I just asked her that she write. Here’s the Facebook post for it if you are not subscribed in both places:

My first official review from Canada (the unofficial ones are quite complex) :

Chaque jour, “Leslie Lanagan’s Stories that are All True” (les histoires de Leslie Lanagan qui sont toutes vraies) apporte une nouvelle perspective au blog de Leslie. Imaginez que vous écriviez tous les jours ! Ils offrent des points de vue aussi convaincants que réfléchis. Vivant avec l’AuDHD, leurs expériences sont un témoignage de résilience et de créativité, et leur capacité à articuler leurs pensées continue d’impressionner, d’inspirer et, parfois, de me faire vomir mon thé. Leurs écrits sont un rappel quotidien de la puissance de l’esprit humain et de la véritable liberté d’expression.

Janie MacAskill, consultante en relations publiques, rédactrice en chef, Ottawa, Canada

Each day, “Leslie Lanagan’s Stories that are All True” brings a fresh perspective to Leslie’s blog. Imagine writing every single day! They offer insights that are as compelling as they are thoughtful. Living with #audhd, their experiences are a testament to resilience and creativity, and their ability to articulate their thoughts continues to impress, inspire and at times makes me spew my tea. Their writing is a daily reminder of the power of the human spirit and true freedom of expression.

Janie MacAskill, PR Consultant, Editor Ottawa, Canada

It took me a really, really long time to just accept the fact that I deserved to have these things said about me because they’re true. That my first thought is not “genuine connection is suspicious.”

Here’s my new space, where I’ll be able to accept donations of any size you want to give (the minimum is $2, but it would have been the lower limit anyway in honor of something I did for a friend that made her spit out her vegan vanilla latte.

Next one’s on me, Wesson. 😛

It’s been a journey. Join us at Medium.

New Social Media Account for “Stories”

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’m on Medium and my handle is @dcgeek.

If you want to support me, either follow me on Facebook or Medium, because I have the most earning potential there. It’s not much, but most people end up making about $30/article and I post every single day. I haven’t taken a break for 84 days according to my Android, or five if I’m on my iPhone. Therefore, I think Medium might pay off. We shall see. Now you know why I’m an Android person.

The Salle Pleyel

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Even though I don’t use “The Daily Prompt” on WordPress anymore because I’ve done them already (when I do, I use the official plugin). I think I’ve been able to do a handful of them, picking up any I missed in 2023. Today’s is “what are you curious about?” I took it to AI and said “I’m interested in intelligence and diplomacy. Can you help me narrow it down?” AI asked what I wanted to focus on and presented a list of topics. There was something in there about “cultural ambassadorship,” and 30 seconds later I’d made the connection I needed to make.

I told her that I was interested in cultural ambassadorship. How jazz musicians could have made wonderful intelligence officers if they’d been asked. Most of the time, when they were working for CIA, they didn’t know it. Nina Simone was hounded relentlessly regarding her civil rights activism, alternately being used for her musical gifts overseas.

Duke Ellington, though, has to take the cake. I have pegged him as a very natural choice for an intelligence officer and not because of jazz. Because of Langley. He grew up here. He was familiar with the rhythms of DC, he was familiar with the lingo, and everything was unconfirmed for a number of years. Ellington being CIA was not revealed during his lifetime, but it brings new context to the piece I wrote about after seeing Jason Moran in concert, “Black & Tan.”

In the blog entry of the same name, I talked about “Black & Tan” being a representation of some sort of storm. Written in 1926, a “black and tan” was a club where people of color could gather; these clubs were often targeted by the police, thus I was not wrong to think Jason’s interpretation was meant to convey anger and turmoil. Jason literally deconstructed music meant for a jazz club and made the piano sound like it was going to conquer the auditorium.

It reflects the life of a spy, because I’m sure it was difficult to be a star in a system that oppressed you (eyeroll. We didn’t give black people a choice to be American, so what does CIA matter?). Jazz lives in me just as much as CIA, another aspect of being nonbinary that feels like wrestling with God. I love stories about spies that do good work. I don’t love stories where the governments those spies work for is oppressing them. But if you are a minority, you’re going to be disrespected and used at any job. Why should CIA be new and different? People outside of DC forget that it’s a perfectly normal organization in terms of being so massive that it’s impossible to have a monolithic opinion of it or its employees. The military encourages “same.” Intelligence encourages “whatever the smartest thing to do is, do that.” Or, they like to think they promote that. They do a better job than other American agencies who have a completely US-centric version of the world.

Those are the type things that Duke Ellington would have seen up close- that being an American in America is different than being an American overseas. In some ways, being African American and traveling all over Europe would have had its benefits, because American racism is so intense. Getting a break from it must have been a relief in some ways, but not much time to enjoy it when you’re performing concerts at night and intelligence operations at all other waking hours.

It speaks to a broader conversation about intelligence in the arts. How it is indeed used to promote cultural ambassadorship, and not just by CIA. That’s an international thing. Intelligence is conducted by artists all the time. Other countries’ assets just have a habit of defecting.

No Matter What

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Nonbinary children lose a set of social masks the moment they move away from their first family. This is because if their partner is female, they’ll lose their male social masks because they’re not living with their father. They’ll lose their female social masks when they’re living without their mothers.

Therefore, it is not surprising to me that coming out as nonbinary happened about a decade after my mother died, because it took that long for my female social masks to erode, but once they were gone, I could not bring them back. Having other women in my life is not the same. My behavior and judgment of it is my mother’s voice in my head, judging my father’s reactions. I know this to be true because like most people who have had breakups, a tiny drop of her hated me because I reminded her of someone she didn’t want to spend time with, yet here she was spending time with them.

Our relationship was so much more complex than just me being queer. I handle everything like my dad would, so I constantly hit every emotional trigger he ever wired.

I’m not saying that the relationship wasn’t a success. It had to be if it lasted 23 years. People grow apart.

Resentment doesn’t have to be monstrous for it to be felt by children. They just didn’t have the best relationship after they divorced, and I came out as queer. That meant that whether it was me or Meagan, she didn’t understand. I didn’t feel safe talking about any of my relationship issues with her because she took it so badly the first time around. Yes, the first time around. She didn’t think I was old enough to decide something like my sexuality which was translated to “you need to be straight for my comfort level.”

It’s devastating to be bisexual, because when you’ve been in a heterosexual relationship before you come out, you see the depth and breadth of your family’s homophobia. I am not saying that I was only with Ryan to please my mother. That’s ridiculous. You just can’t believe how acutely mirror neurons pick up the difference in how my partners are treated based on gender. That’s why if my Dad asked to meet Zac, he’d go because I’d enjoy it. Zac and my dad both love cigars. I love sitting and listening to men talk. I never introduced my mother to another man. I knew I had heterosexual privilege (when I dated men). I didn’t need to be reminded of it. To feel acutely that since I had a boyfriend, my partner was valuable was so painful it put me on the ground at 14. Therefore, I have traditionally shied away from relationships with men because “falling from grace” only needs to happen once. Going back up is when you realize that straight people are homophobic and queer people are prejudiced. Now that it can’t possibly get back to her, I can say out loud that the message from the moment Zac said he’d be opening to visiting with my dad if they were ever in town at the same time, I said “sure.” Because I know in advance that Zac wouldn’t matter less than Dana to my Dad, but I would see that bullshit constantly in my mother like I’d “leveled up.”

My family is not a monolith. There are too many opinions and feelings among us to say they did anything about my clan. I had the range of receptions, from good to bad. However, nothing truly extreme on the evil end of the spectrum, like getting disowned or excommunicated from the church. Just limited from being ordained and married in the church denomination where I’d been baptized. It was a long day’s journey into sideye and love the sinner, hate the sin (with pie).

However, it is actually David that I social mask, because I live with him

……………..after leaving my first family.