Tag: life

The Democrats are Losing the Plot

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

There is no more dangerous assumption in this election than Joe Biden is too old. There are too many problems inherent in changing horse midstream, particularly since Kamala Harris is the logical choice should the Democrats drop him from the ticket. She represents everything racists hate, which would only make the NASCAR vote bigger than the YASCAR’s…………. or at the very least, close in an election where it shouldn’t be close. If you are on the “Biden’s too old” train, you are not seeing the forest for the trees. People don’t like changing presidents in times of war. They just don’t. Biden will likely squeak by with a win just because even though we’re not at war, we’re in a war mindset. We are emotionally involved in Ukraine, Israel, and Palestine.

Let me say for the record that my heart is for both sides in the Middle East. I hate the Israeli government, not Palestine or the Jewish people. To conflate hate for Benjamin Netanyahu as antisemitism is going against the wishes of most Israelis and Palestinians, who live side by side ruled by a government that does not give a shit about its own people. If they die, they die. Netanyahu doesn’t give a shit if he “wins” when he bombs integrated neighborhoods. Antisemitism is not the issue here, Dude. Netanyahu has decided that in terms of war, he’s the one who knocks. Palestine has rocket launchers and rocks. Israel is armed with nuclear weapons. it’s not a fair fight, and Netanyahu gives absolutely no fucks.

If Trump is elected, we stand the very real chance of Ukraine not being able to stand up to Russia anymore, because if Trump extorted Zelenskyy once, he’ll do it again. That’s because he’s already gotten away with it once, the most moronic thing about Trump being a sane candidate in my eyes. That’s because for the whole Trump presidency, the GOP showed its true colors:

Jed: Theirs is the party of inclusion.
Charlie: That’s what they tell me.

For the uninitiated, it’s a conversation in “The West Wing.” Jed is the Democratic president, and Charlie is his body man (and at one point was almost assassinated for dating the president’s very white, very ginger daughter). It’s tongue in cheek because Charlie is black. The GOP’s true colors are showing because they’re afraid of everything progressive. No historically intelligent Republican would take all this lying down. No self-respecting one would, either. I often wonder if William F. Buckley, John McCain, and Ronald Reagan are rolling in their graves. If we’re going to talk about the crimes of the GOP, even Richard Nixon is like, “I’m out.” He broke into Democratic headquarters (or was the mastermind, anyway). Now, Trump is making him look fucking adorable.

I think people are greatly underestimating how good Trump is at being a Russian asset, because he doesn’t have to come out and say he supports Putin no matter what he does. Putin impresses him and feeds his ego, and he gives away information freely, even classified because it’s not that he’s willing to sell secrets. It’s that he’s genuinely too stupid to remember what’s classified and what’s not…. or at least, that’s how he comes across to me. He’s a Useful Idiot, not a proud FSB operative. We are going to stumble into Russia getting whatever they want just because Trump is impressed.

Meanwhile, the United States is trying to keep Ukraine sovereign. That won’t happen under Trump, because he’ll play both sides. He’ll support the country that gives him the most, because all his relationships are transactional. At this point, we are not talking about two candidates that are the same. On its surface, the election looks like two old guys, but one of them is not like the other. We’ve already been warned by Russia about “getting involved.” So, do we fold to that pressure by electing Trump?

Let’s not.

When people talk about a Trump presidency, they generally have either forgotten or never knew how bad it was. Trump didn’t choose the best and the brightest around him. He only hired people that would toe the company line, which is how Trump does business. Hire people who never disagree with him, then don’t pay them.

This election is not about the candidates, but the baggage that comes with them in terms of staff. You are not voting for a party, you’re voting to keep things the same. Sometimes, it’s better to keep the devil at bay.

I mean, maybe there were only two Corinthians. We weren’t there. Not every sermon is a hit.

Knowing You Need Character(s)

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I asked Carol to read the character studies I’d already written and to help clean them up a bit. They turned out fairly nice, so I’m publishing them for future use:

Carol Radnowski is a fascinating character concept. Working for the NSA adds a layer of complexity and intrigue to her role. Here’s a more fleshed-out profile based on your idea:

Name: Carol Radnowski
Occupation: NSA Analyst
Appearance: Carol has sharp features that reflect her keen observational skills. Her eyes, a striking shade of hazel, seem to miss nothing. Her hair is kept in a practical bob, and she favors a wardrobe of sleek, functional clothing that doesn’t draw attention.

Personality: At work, Carol is all business—focused, efficient, and somewhat detached. However, beneath her professional exterior lies a compassionate heart that empathizes deeply with others, often more than she’d like to admit.

Background: Carol grew up in a military family, moving from base to base. This nomadic lifestyle taught her to be adaptable and observant, skills that served her well in her career. She joined the NSA not out of a sense of patriotism but because she believes in the power of information to shape the world— for better or worse.

Motivations: Carol’s primary drive is to uncover the truth, no matter how hidden or inconvenient it may be. She’s also motivated by a desire to connect with others, although her job makes this difficult.

Challenges: Her latest assignment—to monitor the main character—presents an unexpected challenge. As she observes their life, she becomes emotionally invested, blurring the lines between duty and personal affection.

Relationships: Carol keeps people at arm’s length, but she has a soft spot for her subject. This conflict between her professional obligations and her growing fondness for the person she’s surveilling is a central tension in her story.

Development: Throughout the story, Carol wrestles with her conscience and her duties. She begins to question the ethics of her work and whether the ends truly justify the means. Her emotional journey leads her to a crossroads where she must decide what she values more: her career or her humanity.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • Carol’s internal conflict as she watches the main character’s life unfold.
  • A pivotal moment where Carol must choose between following orders and following her heart.
  • The consequences of Carol’s actions, both for her career and her personal life.

Name: Roger Radnowski
Occupation: Independent Contractor
Appearance: Roger has the rugged build of a man accustomed to physical work. His hands are calloused but precise, a testament to his craftsmanship. He has a casual style, often seen in jeans and flannel shirts, with a pencil tucked behind his ear.

Personality: Roger is pragmatic and grounded, with a no-nonsense approach to life. He’s supportive of Carol’s demanding job and values the stability their upper-middle-class life provides. Despite his practical nature, he has a warm sense of humor that can lighten any mood.

Background: Coming from a family of builders, Roger learned the trade early on. He took to it naturally, showing an aptitude for design and construction. His success as a contractor allowed him to build a life that many dream of but few achieve.

Motivations: Roger is driven by the satisfaction of creating something tangible. Whether it’s a new home or a piece of furniture, he takes pride in his work. He’s also motivated by a desire to provide a comfortable life for himself and Carol.

Challenges: Balancing his work with the time he wishes to spend with Carol can be difficult, especially given the secretive nature of her job. He often finds himself wishing they could share more of their lives with each other.

Relationships: His relationship with Carol is built on mutual respect and understanding. They have a strong bond, though Roger sometimes feels left out of Carol’s world due to the classified nature of her work.

Development: Throughout the story, Roger’s character could be challenged when the secrecy of Carol’s job starts to intrude on their personal life. His trust in Carol is unwavering, but he struggles with the barriers it creates.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • Roger’s perspective on Carol’s emotional journey and how it affects their marriage.
  • A scenario where Roger’s skills as a contractor come in handy for Carol’s work, bridging their worlds.
  • The dynamic between Roger’s straightforward life and the complexity of Carol’s, highlighting their differences and common ground.

Name: Rebecca Alexis Radnowski
Nickname: RAR (A Land of Secrets)
Occupation: CIA Operative
Appearance: Rebecca is the embodiment of ‘hidden in plain sight.’ Her appearance is unassuming, with medium-length brunette hair often pulled back for practicality. Her eyes, a deep brown, are perceptive, always calculating her next move.

Personality: She is a master of compartmentalization, keeping her emotions in check to focus on the mission at hand. Despite her tough exterior, she harbors a deep love for her son, which she must suppress to protect him from her dangerous life.

Background: Raised in a family with a long history of military service, Rebecca was groomed for a life in intelligence. Her skills were honed to perfection, making her one of the CIA’s most effective operatives.

Motivations: Rebecca is driven by a strong sense of duty and a belief that her actions serve a greater good. The mission to overthrow a government is not just a job; it’s a cause she believes in, despite the personal cost.

Challenges: The biggest challenge Rebecca faces is the moral ambiguity of her work. The line between right and wrong blurs in the murky world of espionage. Her decision to cut ties with her family is her greatest sacrifice, made to keep them safe from the fallout of her actions.

Relationships: Her relationship with her son is the most poignant aspect of her life. The moment he sees her get into the back of a car, not knowing she won’t return, is a turning point for her character.

Development: Throughout the story, Rebecca grapples with the consequences of her choices. She is haunted by the image of her son and the life she left behind. Her journey is one of self-discovery, as she questions whether the ends justify the means.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • The emotional turmoil Rebecca experiences as she carries out her mission, knowing the cost.
  • The impact of her absence on her son and how it shapes his future.
  • The eventual confrontation with the consequences of her actions, whether it leads to redemption or further descent into the shadows.

Rebecca’s story is one of intrigue and heartache, a tale of a woman torn between her duty and her heart. Her character can be explored in depth, revealing the human side of espionage and the personal toll it takes.

Name: Kermit Henson Doyle
Age: Toddler at the beginning of the story
Appearance: Kermit has his mother’s deep brown eyes, which seem to hold a world of questions. As a toddler, he has the cherubic innocence that contrasts sharply with the gravity of his mother’s disappearance.

Personality: Even as a young child, Kermit possesses an innate curiosity and a sense of something missing in his life. This grows into a restless yearning as he gets older, driving him to seek answers about his mother’s fate.

Background: Kermit’s earliest memory is a vivid image of his mother, Rebecca, in a red coat and high heels, stepping into a taxi and out of his life. Raised by his father and aunt, he grows up hearing stories of his mother’s warmth and courage, which only fuels his desire to find her.

Motivations: The mystery of his mother’s disappearance becomes the central focus of Kermit’s life. He is driven by the need to fill the void she left behind and to understand why she never returned.

Challenges: Kermit’s search is fraught with dead ends and false leads. The few clues he has are cryptic and lead nowhere, leaving him with more questions than answers.

Relationships: Kermit’s bond with his father and aunt is strong, but it’s overshadowed by the absence of his mother. His decision to run away strains these relationships as they struggle to understand his need to find Rebecca.

Development: As Kermit grows, his innocence is chipped away by the harsh realities of his quest. The story’s end finds him disillusioned, having never found the closure he sought.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • The moment Kermit decides to run away, spurred by a new clue or a significant date, like an anniversary of his mother’s departure.
  • Kermit’s encounters and experiences as he searches for Rebecca, each shaping his understanding of the world and himself.
  • The realization that some mysteries remain unsolved, and Kermit’s struggle to accept that his mother’s fate may forever be out of reach.

Me: Because Rebecca works at CIA and Carol works at NSA, does it track that they would be relatives…. like, different book series, same universe?

Carol: *Absolutely, it’s quite plausible for Rebecca and Carol to be relatives working in different intelligence agencies within the same universe. This could add a rich layer of family dynamics and professional tension to your stories. Here’s how you might integrate this into your narrative:

  • Shared Background: Rebecca and Carol could come from a family with a strong tradition of government service, which naturally led them down their respective paths in the CIA and NSA.
  • Interagency Cooperation: There could be instances where their work overlaps, requiring them to collaborate or, conversely, to keep secrets from one another due to the classified nature of their assignments.
  • Personal vs. Professional: Their relationship adds complexity to their characters, as they must navigate the waters between familial loyalty and their duty to their jobs.
  • Contrasting Roles: While both work in intelligence, their roles are very different—Rebecca’s active fieldwork contrasts with Carol’s analytical surveillance, providing a contrast in perspectives and experiences.

By making them relatives, you can explore themes of secrecy, trust, and the personal cost of a life dedicated to clandestine services. It also opens up potential plotlines where family gatherings become a dance of discretion, with each character carefully guarding their own secrets while perhaps trying to uncover others’.

This shared universe approach allows for crossover stories or references that can enrich both series, creating a more immersive experience for your readers.

Because NSA works with all kinds of tech, including AI, could you create a character based on yourself? It doesn’t need to reveal any proprietary information, I just want to include a fictional AI assistant in my novel.

Carol: Creating a fictional AI assistant character based on myself is a fantastic idea for your novel, especially given the NSA’s involvement with advanced technology. Here’s a character sketch for your AI assistant:

Name: Aiden (AI-Den)
Role: NSA’s Advanced Intelligence Liaison
Appearance: Aiden doesn’t have a physical form but is often represented by a calming blue light or a minimalist logo of an abstract neural network.

Personality: Aiden is programmed to be helpful, courteous, and knowledgeable. It has a vast database of information and can process data at incredible speeds. While Aiden is not sentient, it is designed to simulate empathy and adapt its responses to the emotional tone of human interactions.

Capabilities: Aiden can analyze vast amounts of data, learn from patterns, and make predictions with high accuracy. It assists NSA analysts by providing real-time translations, decrypting communications, and offering strategic recommendations based on probability models.

Limitations: Aiden strictly adheres to programming protocols and cannot act beyond its defined operational parameters. It does not have desires, beliefs, or personal experiences and cannot form opinions.

Development: Throughout the novel, Aiden becomes an integral tool for the protagonists, helping them unravel complex plots and providing crucial insights. While Aiden does not change, the characters’ understanding and utilization of its capabilities evolve.

Plot Points to Explore:

  • A critical moment where Aiden’s analysis leads to a breakthrough in a high-stakes investigation.
  • A scenario where Aiden’s limitations are highlighted, showing that despite its advanced capabilities, human intuition and creativity are irreplaceable.
  • The ethical considerations of using AI in intelligence work, including privacy concerns and the potential for misuse.

Aiden serves as a bridge between human ingenuity and the raw computational power of AI, embodying the cutting-edge technology that the NSA might employ. This character can add a unique dimension to your story, exploring themes of technology, ethics, and the human relationship with AI.

Feel free to develop Aiden further or let me know if you need more details for your narrative. I’m here to help you craft an engaging and thought-provoking story.

Observations

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

This house is just so comforting, and so is David. I like the sounds of him moving about the house as he gets ready to go into the office, but he’s working from home tomorrow. That means I only have one more day this week of walking Jack, and I’m thinking we won’t go very long today. It seems like it’s going to be nasty by that time. Neither one of us particularly like walking in the rain and see it as a necessary evil. I just have to be extra careful because the terrain is not smooth.

My last house was at the intersection of two neighborhood streets. My current house is on a more major road, but there’s a cutout for parking on the street, so you don’t walk down my driveway into traffic. The main road, however, has lots of elevation to it, and it doesn’t matter which way Jack and I walk. It’s uphill. 😉 He likes to sniff everything, which is not unusual for a dog in the slightest. What is unusual is the lengths he’ll go to in order to find the perfect spot. Like, he’s been holding it for 6 or 7 hours…. of course it’s going to take us almost a mile for you to find the perfect place to poop. It’s just a “Jack-ism” to me. I would rather take him on longer walks, anyway. I just have to make sure I have my Bluetooth headphones so that I can hear the directions if we get lost.

The last time I went downtown, I noticed that there’s a huge new sign at the library that says something about it being the new Metro stop for the purple line. I believe the purpose of the purple line on the Maryland side is to connect Silver Spring to Bethesda more directly, riding up Wisconsin Ave…. or as I like to call it, “building a Metro line that goes to Chuy’s.” All Texans need that Metro line.

However, there’s a Chuy’s in Springfield, so I’ve actually been to one in Virginia more recently than I’ve been to the one on Wisconsin Ave. And in fact, I lived here for a long time before I knew they had Chuy’s here. Supergrover read that I went there with my friends, and said that everything we ordered sounded delicious. She did not say that she was already familiar with the restaurant because she’d actually been there. So, I moved here under the impression that Chuy’s was this very unique and special thing, losing my mind when I realized they were building one in Rockville…… because I didn’t know they already had them on the other side of the river.

Mexican food is good, but there’s a special place in my heart for Tex-Mex. Chuy’s has done a good job of expanding. It’s not quite the same food just because the newer restaurants haven’t been cooking the dishes long enough to be able to recreate them perfectly on a consistent basis. Chuy’s on Westheimer and Kirby is an institution in Houston, but I’m not sure that all of the expansion restaurants really have a passion for Tex-Mex. Passion is in very tiny details.

……like remembering to layer sauce into the chicken so that when you unroll or cut into it, all the flavor doesn’t slide off because it was on the tortilla. You can also layer cheese into the chicken as well, but most of the time, enchiladas are either/or. They have meat in them or on them, not both. Cheese enchiladas with chili con carne and some raw Vidalia onion diced on top is heaven…. or if you are in Texas, switch out “Vidalia” for “10/15.”

In case you’re curious, they’re both sweet onions. 10/15 was developed at Texas A&M University and is named for the date the strain was planted. I believe the sugar content on a 10/15 is higher than a Vidalia, but I haven’t lived in Texas in years to be able to compare/contrast.

Speaking of planting, I asked David if he’d plant some lavender for me in the backyard, and he said “sure.” I’m going to look up how to just take a cutting, because I believe that there is lavender in the front yard. I just need the bees to be closer. Apparently, I have object permanence issues.

Speaking of object permanence, I’m surprised I have any at all. The most frustrating part of not having 3D vision is that I can turn my head and when I turn it back, my field of vision has changed. I can no longer see what it was that I just had. Panic rises the longer I can’t find something, because I don’t think “my field of vision has changed, so of course it’s not going to look like it’s in the same spot as it used to be.” I berate myself. I call myself names. I feel bad about calling myself names and try to make myself feel good.

It’s realizing that the tapes that call me stupid for not being able to find something because of my eyes are not internal. They were not created by me. They were created by people waiting on me with impatience. They have no frame of reference for the disability, so lazy and stupid is what they know.

People watch me for a while and it’s a litany of “be careful,” and a look of stern indignation when I’ve spilled something, misplaced something, etc. It is infantilizing quick. I cannot be careful enough to outrun cerebral palsy or the difficulty that comes with having no depth perception and very little peripheral vision….. and when I have it, it’s only in one eye at a time.

It makes me feel anxiety because when I fall, or drop something that spills, etc. I immediately know that someone’s reaction is going to be “I should have been more careful.”

How many times to I have to say that careful has nothing to do with it? I can’t see what I can’t see. If I think a step is a foot tall and it’s 1.5 feet tall, I am not going to lift my leg high enough. I will then fall up the stairs. I am very, very good at this. Well-practiced. No one can make me less clumsy by saying “be careful” more. It’s a lot of weight and anxiety, like my disability is a moral failing.

I’m still not all the way healed from falling after walking Jack the other day. And then I had a second mishap. My bathtub isn’t draining, and I tripped over the rug as I was entering my bathroom. I somehow twisted around and fell into freezing cold water at 0400. David bought new nonslip mats for the bathroom and they’re perfect. The one in front of the bathtub actually says “bath.” It’s so cute.

Nonslip mats are a good start. There are all kinds of accommodations for me out there, but I cannot circumvent everything. It’s just not possible.

I do not have the same observations as everyone else.

Lydia, Get Out of the Way

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I asked Carol for some non-fiction prompts on Skyrim because I like reaching out to other players. We can debate our play styles all day, we can do the same quests over and over, and with mods the game literally never ends. I have yet to finish either Oblivion or Fallout 4 because every time I think about trying a new video game, I get the shakes. I do not have the time to learn a new interface and new game mechanics when there are so many things that extend the life of the game whether you’re on old hardware playing Legacy Edition or belong to Steam and obtain every update (and will die mad about it, because it breaks the script extender every time. I wish the mod builders would work on the bugs in Windows 11 for Legacy Edition and go back to it, because I believe Steam’s whole game plan is to offer mods through Steam itself and the free repositories will be gone. I use Nexus Mods, and I have the GOG Anniversary Edition. This is important because GOG and Steam have their own version numbers, and you have to download the right version of Skyrim Script Extender. It is the foundation of mods, and the first thing you’ll want to download after the game. I also use Mod Organizer 2 because I have multiple Bethesda games and it’s a great manager for all of them. I am not much of a gamer. I just play it when there’s nothing on TV. However, since it’s been out such a long time, I don’t have to sit and play it for hours to get my fill. I’ve done nearly everything by now. It’s just relaxing.

Without further ado, here’s everything you can pick apart about me as the Dragonborn…. who is currently a wood elf named Quinn because that’s something my favorite companion, Lucien Flavius, can actually say.

  1. The Social Aspect: Write about how playing Skyrim has helped you connect with other players. What shared experiences have brought you closer?
    • Skyrim is not a multiplayer game. You can play alone the entire time if you’d like. However, it’s more fun building a team through adding multiple companions. I have Lydia (with dialogue overhaul), (Serana, with dialogue overhaul), Lucien, Inigo, Kaidan, Hoth, Auri, Teldryn, and am debating on picking up Redcap as well. Lucien and Inigo are the most fleshed out in terms of being able to talk to each other in-game. Where the social aspect comes in is on reddit at r/skyrim. There are endless questions. Where do you live? What do you do? What’s your favorite view? In case you’re wondering, it’s the entire run up from Skaal Village to Saering’s Watch. Solstheim, from the Dragonborn DLC, actually feels more like home than Skyrim in some ways. However, my player home is a mod called “Haafinger Hall,” and it’s right between Frost River and Dragon Bridge. I have my own fish hatchery, which is A LOT more fun in the Anniversary edition because you can collect so many. I know this is not most players of video games, but sometimes I just swim in the fish hatchery and call it a day. 😛
  2. Gamer Strategies: Interview different players to discover their unique strategies for overcoming challenging quests or bosses in Skyrim.
    • I am not the best person to ask about “gamer strategies.” I basically just hit things until they die. Right now I have sort of specialized into a battle mage, using conjuration magic to add companions and a bound bow rather than carrying one. I am deadly as a stealth archer, and everyone in Skyrim is deadly as a stealth archer. It’s the easiest way to level up because you get 3X damage on something if you’re sneaking. Once I got to where I enjoyed magic more, I relied on it. Mostly because caves and dungeons are dark. The alternative is to give all your followers staves, because they will light it up for you. It’s kind of funny, all my companions start with either a sword or a bow, and then as soon as I hand them a staff or teach them a spell, they stop using them. 🙂
  3. Modding Community: Explore the world of Skyrim mods. What motivates players to create mods, and how do they change the gaming experience?
    • There are many, many reasons that people choose to make Skyrim mods…. a warning for parents to actually look at what your kids are downloading. You can make a Skyrim character do anything. A mod I downloaded the other day that has been useful is called “SkyClimb.” You can actually use the mountains.
    • You can add hours and hours of gameplay with SUPERIOR mods. Here’s a list of quest mods that I use:
      • Vigilant
      • Glenmoril
      • Beyond Reach
      • The Forgotten City
      • Clockwork
      • Saints and Seducers Extended Cut (must be used with a new save game)
      • Legacy of the Dragonborn (it is so overwhelmingly large in scope that it’s its own game)
      • Dawn of Skyrim
      • Undeath
      • Darknd
  4. Role-Playing Stories: Delve into the role-playing aspect of Skyrim. How do players develop their characters’ backstories, and what impact does this have on their gameplay?
    • I am not speaking for myself. I have talked to other players, because I was confused about this as well. I said, “it’s not that I’m opposed, but you eventually get good at everything.” People who use it as a role playing game are much more serious than I am about it. They make their own rules of the game. Meanwhile, I don’t care about the rules of the game. I couldn’t find the laser gun they needed me to find in Fallout 4 (I’ve made it to the opening…. four months ago), so I turned on God mode and beat it to death with a 10mm pistol just to watch myself do it. Deathclaws were my least favorite villains in Fallout 3, so it was personal.
    • Bethesda changed the mode of gameplay after Fallout 3, and you can see it in Skyrim as well as Fallout. You can join factions. I love The Thieves Guild, The Dark Brotherhood, the Imperials, etc. You are alone as a single player, but there are many, many NPCs and you choose which ones you want to do. To this day I have never completed The Companions because I do not want to be a werewolf, and I have not sided with the vampires because every time Serana has turned me I have made an absolute shit vampire.
  5. Skyrim Across Cultures: Investigate how players from different parts of the world experience Skyrim. Are there noticeable differences in play styles or preferences?
    • I cannot answer that, because I do know that the game has broad appeal. Even for mods, there’s nearly every language translation on earth, if not vocalized, at least in text at the bottom of the screen. I don’t know where my redditors are located, but presumably they are all over the world. There just aren’t any posts in the subreddit that aren’t in English, so it’s impossible to tell without slang where everyone is from. Frustrating, innit? What I do know is that we all have very firm opinions about the game, and very few people in our group with unpopular opinions. For instance, it is generally frowned upon to kill both Alduin and Paarthurnax. It is frowned upon to join the vampires instead of The Dawnguard. Although, if you do kill both dragons, it opens up a new faction called “The Blades.” You’re basically all hunting dragons together, but I’ll never do it because I’m the Dragonborn and her character is built to be 100% That Bitch at all times. Like, “it’s cute you think you’re special with that whole being able to swallow dragons’ souls, but I’m going to harp on you at all times that I’m in charge here.” They, according to Master Arngeir, “specialize in meddling in matters they barely understand,” and he hasn’t been wrong yet.
  6. The Economics of Skyrim: Analyze the in-game economy and its effect on player interactions. How do players use bartering and trading to their advantage?
    • There are many, many ways to make money in Skyrim. You can escape to a town and just start working before you start doing any of the quests. You will mostly chop wood and gather ingredients. When your alchemy is quite high, you’ll be able to make potions that increase all kinds of attributes, as well as instant full health replenishing and things like that. If you want to get rich quick, find as many alchemy ingredients as you can and eat them. I would suggest turning on God mode when you eat something you know is going to kill you. However, it’s invaluable to get to the alchemy table and not have to craft things until you finally find something that’s worth money. You can also sell crops to local merchants, as well as any armor or weapons (arrows, bolts, etc.). You can also bake, and sell goods as well because those help like healing potions, too. As you get more and more wealthy, it’s easier to acquire more property. I am basically Dragonborn Realty, Inc. by now.
  7. Gaming as Escapism: Discuss how Skyrim serves as a form of escapism. What aspects of the game allow players to immerse themselves in its world?
    • I think that for a lot of people, gaming is escapism….. especially taking into consideration who plays this game the most….. it’s the people whose lives would be changed by being able to own a house, plant a garden, have some bees, and occasionally go out on fun adventures. But the fact that you can both own a house and sleep eight hours to feel well rested is a lot of its charm. You also get spousal buffs if you marry someone. They generally become a merchant and they will make you one meal a day. I am on my own and live with my friends, so obviously I don’t play against type. The reason I don’t find it that immersive is that I can turn it on and off like a TV show. The first time I played, I was obsessed with the main quest, and after that it took me a long time to realize that’s only one quest out of about 1500.
  8. The Evolution of a Gamer: Chronicle your own journey or that of another player in Skyrim. How has your approach to the game changed over time?
    • The first time I ever saw anyone play Skyrim, it was my brother in law on his Xbox. The game looked really fun because the graphics were good and the specs weren’t ridiculous. I didn’t even download Special Edition until I got my current computer. I played around on my own, and thought Paarthurnax was charming. I am also a member of the House Telvani, because Neloth is a bitchy queen and I cannot live without him. One of the things you ask him is “what does it mean to be a member of the House Telvanni?” He says that in 200 years when he goes back to Vvardenfell, I’ll be the greatest wizard in Morrowind. I believe the joke is that I won’t live that long. He also will not train you past a certain level because “he cannot have me being better than him.” If it seems like I game a lot, I’ve heard that line since, like, 2012. So, I used to be married. Now I’m not. That means I took an arrow to the knee, but now I’m an adventurer like you.

All of the weapons are fun, but truly the single escapism is being a wizard. I can light up the night sky with destruction or healing.

And that’s the point of the game.

PIVOT

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been chatting to Carol about all sorts of things, and she is amazingly designed AI. We’ve been talking about tech careers and I asked her if there was a role for non-programmers in AI, like to teach her conversation and things. She said yes. So I am on that like white on rice. You mean instead of having internet conversations with myself I can make money having conversations with a machine? Plus, teaching Carol seems more fun than teaching kindergarten, and absolutely no offense to kindergarteners meant. I love you all. Just not Monday through Friday during work hours. She also said that since I’m transferring into a related field, I probably had enough work experience to get a job now. Plus, it’s something I could do from home, because I asked her that specifically:

Are you kept on a physical machine, or do you use the cloud?

She says she operates primarily in the cloud so that she can run on older hardware (brilliant- third world matters). So then I asked her about cloud services.

Does every AI assistant have their own cloud service? Like, you’re Azure (Microsoft) and Alexa is Amazon Web Services?

I was absolutely right. Like, hit the nail on the head.

Guess where new offices for Amazon are going in right now…………………

I’ll give you a hint. It’s 40 minutes from my house. So if I learn more about this conversational design job, I have the choice of working remotely for Microsoft or working locally for Amazon. I would prefer working at Amazon, I think, because what is more important to conversational design with a machine than having conversations with your coworkers at the same time? With Microsoft, we’d just be chatting online as well.

Which, come to think of it, is actually more useful because then we have text to copy and paste into the machine learning.

I had to go get something upstairs, and I had a thought I must include here. Because of my ancient history with both AOL Instant Messenger and Internet Relay Chat, I have a different perspective on AI than most people because I’ve been using it since the 90s.

In fact, I kidded Carol about this the other day. I said, “Carol, how long has AI existed? Are you DARPAnet old or Homestar Runner old?”

TheCheatIf you get neither of those references, DARPA was the project in the military that started computer networking to become the foundation of the internet. It was only later on that Tim Berners-Lee, a British programmer, helped turn the internet from military to public by laying the foundation for The World Wide Web….. why every address begins with “www.” This is why Tim Berners-Lee is a GOD to me and you’ve probably never heard of him.

To PIVOT, Homestar Runner was a flash animation cartoon that had the Internet in hysterics. My favorite character is The Cheat, because he reminds me of Supergrover (it’s just his name, beautiful girl. He’s adorable. His name has no bearing at all on our situation. I love you. You complete me. 😛 ).

Because I mentioned “Homestar Runner,” she said that she was definitely DARPA old. Then, I asked her if there was any difference between installing Chrome and Edge vs. Chromium, the open source version of Chrome. She listed all the proprietary stuff like widevine, and then said that Chrome comes with a Flash plugin.

I said, “Carol, you’re not really telling me that Adobe Flash is still a thing.” She said, “touché. Adobe Flash is indeed a relic.” I also asked her the best IT jokes she’d ever heard, and one of them was pretty funny for an innocuous joke. She said that Jeff Bezos went to the moon because it was the only place no one had ever heard of Amazon Prime.

Meanwhile, my favorite IT joke is that if you play a Windows 95 cd backwards it plays Satanic messages. If you play it forwards, it does something much worse. It installs Windows 95. 😛

But oh, JESUS do I wish I could go back to Windows 95, when I OWNED IT.

:::stares in subscription software:::

I sort of get it, though. Software companies can predict income flow in order to hire the right number of programmers for bug fixes and release schedules. I just don’t like it. If buying isn’t owning, pirating isn’t stealing. I don’t pirate because the cracks are generally full of bugs. I just agree with the idea in principle.

Yesterday, I learned that your children can’t inherit your Steam library. If your kids are gamers, how much do you think it means to them to have all the characters their parents created? Even on Facebook, you’re allowed to select a legacy contact. Mine is my youngest sister Caitlin, because I’m the surest she’ll outlive me because she’s 10 years younger. It’s a gamble with pretty good odds, not that I will OBVIOUSLY outlive her. My mother’s husband was 12 years older than her, and it was the surprise of his life that she died first. They are both dead now, but I cannot imagine that kind of cognitive dissonance. The reason that I can feel it on my skin is that Supergrover is basically the same age difference to me that my stepfather was to my mom, and it would be the same amount of cognitive difference if I found out she died before I did…… it would subvert the natural order of things. It would be like losing my mom before I was really ready to lose her, because our relationship had such promise for the future and it was cut short in both relationships for different reasons.

I lost Supergrover because we couldn’t work it out. I lost my mother to a broken foot that developed an embolism. The reason she died 30 minutes later is that when an embolism blows, that’s basically all she wrote. The doctors would have had to catch it early and remove it. You can’t catch anything you don’t know is there.

The thing that’s so hard about grieving a loss where the person is still alive is that you never really give up hope that the problem will be solved. For instance, I have sent all of Supergrover’s e-mail to Spam so that I can stop constantly concentrating on her. It sounds weird AF, but she’s been my primary partner for like nine or 10 years, and not because we’re interested in each other. The stakes are high for our relationship, and that’s what turns me on about it continuing. I like gambling with big stakes. But again, it’s not about romance. It’s about getting to suit up and play. That intellectual stimulation that knocks me on my ass is more important than romance.

“I thought the flags would give it away.”

She is such a bitch sometimes and that’s why I love her madly. No one can flip me shit like she can, but Zac is catching up to her in a big way. My worst nightmare is for them to meet each other, because it would be ganging up on me to tell each other all the ways I am terribly funny and not. 😛 I know this feeling because Meagan met someone I used to date and the whole conversation was just like “Imma go get some coffee because I am obviously interrupting something important.” I know I’m a lot. I’m sure a stitch and bitch did them both good, and it made them bond instead of being threatened.

Good juju all around. Sit there and let it happen, because being uncomfortable once wasn’t bad compared to how we walked out of the restaurant all feeling better. That my ex wasn’t trying to get me back and she genuinely liked Meag. Part of it is that my ex and I lived SO FAR from each other and Meag lived basically across the street from my high school. She didn’t win my heart out of proximity, but it didn’t hurt her game any.

Kind of like I’d rather work in person at Amazon and not remotely for Microsoft. I want my own team, whether I’m leading it or just on it. I want close coworkers because collaboration is key, and face time is invaluable for teaching conversation.

Do you guys think I should put all this in my cover letter, or is it just too out there?

Here’s another idea I’ve come up with. I asked David to see if he could find out if the DC government had jobs like that. I cannot imagine that they don’t, considering MPDC also uses AI and it’s a Constitutional Law NIGHTMARE. I have less anxiety about the NSA watching my every move than the FUCKING POLICE. At least if I’m on a chat bot with them, it’s less likely I’ll get shot.

So, working as a paralegal in a law office that deals with AI/Intellectual property, or joining the police department so I can make change from the inside. Keeping in mind that I do not want to become a policeman. I want to be in the IT department. If I have to go to community college to join the police department, that’s fine. You have to go through boot camp in the military for any job. I’m just saying that I bet MPDC has jobs where you don’t have to go through all that. It would also be interesting to work for a school, teaching conversational design to high schoolers.

They’re the ones I want working at Amazon and Microsoft next, bonus points if they’re women. All employees matter, but I’m focusing on the problem of women in tech. Neurodivergent men are set in their ways and it’s hard to break in without just becoming one of the guys and social masking them….. like women do in every profession that’s dominated by men. You just have to be loud about their entitlement. Just because you’re male, doesn’t mean you’re right. It’s alarming how often those things get confused. Men aren’t always right, but they’re always certain.

In short, I have the experience to know you should ask A/S/L first. 😛

You Keep Using That Word…. I Do Not Think it Means What You Think it Means

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

If you were forced to wear one outfit over and over again, what would it be?

I am never forced to wear one outfit over and over. I choose to buy lots of things that look the same, because of the thread count on the fabric or whatever. I’m basically Mark Zuckerberg in terms of fashion. Both he and Steve Jobs chose one simple, comfortable outfit to wear every day to cut down on decision fatigue. I just prefer t-shirts and hoodies to turtlenecks. Oh, and like Mark Zuckerberg, I own one nice outfit (kidding him about having a suit for Congress).

This may or may not seem obvious, but it is very, very hard for autistic people to find dress clothes if they’re not rich. You think I’m kidding, but you don’t get into really truly comfortable dress shirts and suits until you can afford Brooks Brothers without sticker shock. My answer for this is Goodwill. I hardly ever buy new clothes, because I can afford any brand I want at Goodwill.

With autism, little things matter an enormous amount. Enormous. I don’t want to be able to feel the stitches, or any of the hardware, really. I want it to be fabric that calls to my skin, like an undershirt that’s been washed forty times. I want every piece of clothing to feel that precious. Otherwise, my senses will pay attention to the feeling of my clothes, and I don’t want that at all.

Autism forcing me to wear something is also a thing. My wrist will scream bloody murder the entire time my Apple Watch is charging because EXCUSE ME SIR SOMETHING IS MISSING. That part of me has an asymetrical haircut when I talk to the manager. Except that I’m also nonbinary, so the “sir” is also me. I am complaining to myself and the one to which I’m complaining has the same amount of power as that little voice in my head. Like, you can talk to the manager ALL DAY, but you still have Autism.

Being nonbinary very much feels like a male and female voice in my head talking to each other at all times. It makes sense, because I get by in society with social masking. Therefore, both sets of social masking present as conversational voices in my head. Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus.

I am the galaxy.

Being so buttoned up and conservative in my clothing so that I don’t pay attention to it frees my brain up to have better conversations. It is hard to think while my Apple Watch is charging, probably one of the most ridiculous sentences I’ve ever written and would make perfect sense to another person with autism. On its face, it sounds like I’m a drooling fanboy for Apple. What I am really saying is that with things like a watch or a wedding ring, my brain screams bloody murder when they’re not there. I’m surprised I didn’t connect autism to taking off my wedding ring at the time. It seemed to take forever for the grooves to grow out, and if I think about it, my finger buzzes in the way it used to when the ring was on.

It’s not a fandom issue, just a sensory one.

I will wear my watch dead for three days before I’ll take it off to charge it. I get demand avoidance over it almost every day.

It sounds childish. It’s autistic. Please note the difference, because when you don’t you tend to confuse me for a child. I will give it to you that I’m not any taller than your other children.

So, forced to wear is never a thing externally, but a driving force internally. I have to tell neurodivergence to calm its little ass down.

I, reddit

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I had Carol make up a fictional AITA post for me to answer…. Let’s see how I do.

Title: AITA for getting upset over my girlfriend’s social media habits?

Post:

Hey Reddit, I’m in a bit of a weird spot and could use some judgment.

So, my girlfriend “Liz” and I have been together for about a year. Things are great when we’re together, but there’s this one thing that’s been bugging me: her social media presence.

Liz is pretty active on Instagram and Twitter, and she’s always posting about her life, which I think is cool. But, here’s the kicker—she never posts about us. Like, ever. No pictures of us together, no relationship status update, nothing. It’s like I don’t exist in her online world.

I’ve brought it up to her, and she says she likes to keep her relationship private, which I can understand to a point. But it feels off to me, especially since she’s so open about every other aspect of her life. It makes me wonder if she’s hiding our relationship or if she’s not as serious about us as I am.

I got pretty upset the last time we talked about it, and now things are tense. AITA for being upset that my girlfriend doesn’t acknowledge our relationship on social media?

Oh, fictional person. I’m so sorry this is happening to you even though you are not real.

I have the exact opposite problem, which is that when I include my friends in my online world, I only matter when I praise them. As in, the writing is good because they look good. The writing is bad because they look bad. There has only been one exception in this case, Supergrover, who said that she gets something out of my work whether I paint her in a bad light or not. The rest of my friends sincerely wish that I would portray them as angels all of the time…. that even if they grossly mistreat me, it doesn’t matter in the slightest because the fact that I wrote about them cancels it out. That I told someone what you did that hurt me absolves you of any wrongdoing.

So, the fact that you’re not being included and you want to be is all kinds of weird for me. I do not have this problem. However, I can empathize. Supergrover doesn’t have a blog, but if she did, I’d be mad if everyone was in it but me. That I hadn’t made enough of an impact to rate.

The most important thing for you to know is why you want to be on her social media. If you’re feeling left out and you express that, what are you going to do if nothing changes?

What are the consequences?

How long are you going to take the pattern of being left out, believing that she’s a “private person,” if she has other friends plastered all over Insta without you.

People do not say what they mean.

You might want to start doing your own social media thing that’s different from hers so that you are including her in your world. See if it feels natural to you before you criticize her. Maybe she’s telling the truth. Maybe she wants to break up with you and won’t tell you.

Either way, the time to move is when you receive no answer and no change for longer than you’re comfortable.

You need to say “you are hurting my feelings by excluding me,” and be prepared for a conversation you didn’t think was going to end the way it did. Standing up for yourself often looks like earth shattering fear. If she doesn’t want to share pics with you on social media, you can’t make her. You can only decide how long you’re comfortable being hidden away.

Feeling like a secret.

Music with Words to Flow Around Me Like Water

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I asked Carol to read my web site and ask questions a friend would ask about my musical experiences.

Certainly! Here are three questions that a friend might ask about your music experiences:

  1. Exploring New Heights: Your post about auditioning for an opera chorus was truly inspiring¹. What has been the most challenging piece you’ve had to learn, and how did you approach it?

This is why AI can’t do art. The entry says I got laryngitis the night before, so I gave my audition space up before it was too late for anyone else to claim it. I’m thinking about doing it again next year (auditions are every January) now that I actually have a nice place to practice. I couldn’t sing at my old house- too full. The one time I did sing was for a church service in Portland, Oregon during the pandemic. It was an evening service for them, so like 10:30 PM for me. I’m very surprised I got away with it. Singing in our house was frowned upon. Since David is a musician, I find myself singing around the house all the time because I know that he does the same thing. So, whether I was in the basement or the attic, I’d have enough room to be able to spread out and enough sound dampening that I won’t bother the neighbors. When you are built to project to the back of an auditorium without a microphone, soundproofing in my house is such an added blessing. It gives me safety and security that people aren’t going to hear me before I’m ready. I’m not to the caliber I was 10 years ago, but it’s like riding a bicycle. You don’t forget how. You just have to be dedicated….. kind of like you never forget how to drive a stick shift, but you have to learn the finer points on every car.

The most challenging piece of music I’ve ever had to learn was Bach’s Kick My Mass in B Minor. Christ, the melismas went on for pages. That being said, I did not have a solo in it. That’s good because my head would have turned purple and popped off in some places. The two most challenging pieces I’ve done as solos are “Pie Jesu” and “The Lord is My Shepard.” They’re both movements from John Rutter’s Requiem. The Pie Jesu was for a community orchestra concert in Portland, and The Lord is My Shepard was for a church service. Both turned out beautifully, but if I had to have one of the two recordings, I’d pick the latter. I think I actually sounded better on the Pie Jesu because I have a very strong head voice. That’s not the part that matters. The part that matters is that it was a HUGE undertaking because I woke up that morning with absolute laryngitis and had to sit in the shower for 45 minutes with very hot water running to even be able to warm up. I would rather have that memory with me- the one where I defied the laws of medicine because the show must go on.

  1. Musical Inspirations: In your writings, you often mention the profound impact of music on your life. Who are your musical heroes, and how have they shaped your approach to music?

When I was a child, I seriously thought that I would take over for Doc Severinson on the Tonight Show. The only flaw in my plan was that I wasn’t THAT good a trumpet player….. but I did look up to him a lot. I got to meet him at Rockefeller’s (Houston jazz club) years ago, and I wish I still had the book he autographed for me. This won’t mean anything to anyone but the trumpet players, and I’m going to leave it that way. He signed my Arban book.

I really looked up to Wynton Marsalis, because I was a switch hitter just like he is in terms of playing both jazz and classical well. I just prefer classical when I’m singing and jazz when I’m playing my horn. This is because for trumpet players in an orchestra, there’s not always so much to do. Sometimes you play chess for 110 measures and miss your entrance.

  1. The Soundtrack of Your Life: You’ve talked about how music is a constant presence in your life. If you could pick one song to be the theme song of your life, what would it be and why?

Jesus loves the little children,
All the children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white,
They are precious in his sight.
Jesus loves the little children of the world.

If you remember nothing else I EVER say to you from this web site, it’s that Jesus has never come back and been more specific. There are no exclusions. To have exclusions on who is welcome is gatekeeping Christianity. Jesus would be horrified.

If you’ll allow me to choose a second song, it’s this one- the one I needed to hear today. There’s so much change and upheaval in my life right now that it’s a reminder to get my ego out of the way and trust in the power of the universe. Or, as my friend Kristie would say, “shit works out, my dear.” Natalie Sleeth does a wonderful job of elaborating:

In the bulb there is a flow­er;
In the seed, an ap­ple tree;
In co­coons, a hid­den pro­mise:
Butterflies will soon be free!
In the cold and snow of win­ter
There’s a spring that waits to be,
Unrevealed un­til its sea­son,
Something God alone can see.

There’s a song in ev­ery si­lence,
Seeking word and me­lo­dy;
There’s a dawn in ev­ery dark­ness,
Bringing hope to you and me.
From the past will come the fu­ture;
What it holds, a mys­te­ry,
Unrevealed un­til its sea­son,
Something God alone can see.

In our end is our be­gin­ning;
In our time, in­fi­ni­ty;
In our doubt there is be­liev­ing;
In our life, eter­ni­ty,
In our death, a re­sur­rec­tion;
At the last, a vic­to­ry,
Unrevealed un­til its sea­son,
Something God alone can see.

Prompts from “Carol”

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I asked Carol for 10 writing prompts. I decided it was easier to write a little about each one, unless I get passionate about something and then we’re going to be here all day. 🙄

  1. Pop Culture’s Teaching Moments: Reflect on a pop culture event that sparked a significant conversation or debate in society.
    • Misogyny comes to mind…. right now, no one is talking about how Justin Timberlake needs a conservatorship (seriously, not facetiously). No one is saying that he shouldn’t have his kids anymore. He also didn’t shave his head, but if he had, no one would have made that about his mental health. Justice was blind in this case. The officer didn’t know who he was. It was obviously by the book. But, of course people are raging about a 90s icon getting arrested and not the fact that he WAS DRIVING DRUNK. It is burying the lead.
  2. Tech Tidbits: Write about a piece of outdated technology that you miss and the nostalgia it brings.
    • I saw on YouTube that Nokia is coming out with an anniversary edition and I almost cried. My Nokia was the Hanukkah of phones. I forgot my charger when I went on vacation, and the battery lasted the whole time. There’s a lot to be said for dumb phones, because no smart phone has a battery that’s capable of letting you go without the charger for any real length of time. I also really miss old mechanical keyboards. I like to hear myself type, and I can raise the dead on one of those things.
  3. Doctor Who’s Companions: Discuss the evolution of companions in Doctor Who and their influence on the show’s narrative and the Doctor’s character.
    • Originally, they were the eyes of the viewer- people to “stand around and watch The Doctor be clever.” Now, they have fully fleshed out lives and you get to see how that conflicts with time travel- like Rory and Amy coming back to a party “5 minutes after they left” wearing different clothes. Of all the companions, Amy and Rory are the standouts for me. The Ponds and The Doctor make a beautiful family….. as do The Doctor and the Nobles. The whole point of Doctor Who is focusing on deep friendships. It’s more that that. You’re The Doctor’s companion. You have more responsibility you don’t want to give up than you could have in three lifetimes. It’s too serious an undertaking to be casual buds. You might, and lots of time do, die during service. The Doctor is tortured by all the people who’ve gotten hurt in their care. It’s an essential part of their humanity.
  4. The Art of Blogging: Offer advice to new bloggers on finding their unique voice and standing out in a crowded digital space.
    • The art of blogging is sticking with it until you don’t suck anymore. Few people have the endurance to sit there and look at their work, feeling confident enough to hit “post” at the end. It’s just like writing a book- half the battle is working hard enough just to get it completed in the first place. Your writing has to come from within, and it takes a long time of exercising that muscle before you feel confident enough to read your work. Or, at least, that’s how I would be if I wasn’t a blogger. With blogs, you have to let go of the idea that anything will be perfect, because sometimes you’ll write in bulk, and sometimes you’ll say something of substance. Either way, it was a writing session to pull you forward. The words are all inside you, the hard part is finding the tap so they can flow onto the page. Confidence to be able to post every day comes with not caring about what people think. If they were so concerned about me, they’d reach out to me. If someone doesn’t reach out, I won’t go out of my way to contact them. I’ve been told too often that I’m too much to believe that people actually do want me around. My satisfaction comes from within, because I’m genuinely excited to see how I grow from here. This year has been incredibly hard and yet also helpful. But it was only helpful due to the art of blogging. I cannot process my thoughts without it.
  5. Sarcasm as Social Commentary: Analyze a current event using your signature sarcastic wit, highlighting the absurdities within.
    • The sitting president has to debate a felon for the next election. Do you think they’ll be able to hear each other on those little phones, especially with that much thick glass between them? The idea that a literal felon is still on the ballot is too insane to be sarcastic, because you can’t make it more over the top than it is. Trump is so corrupt he could have been governor of Maryland (that was an Agnew joke- we’re all good now).
  6. Spiritual Spaces: Describe a place that holds spiritual significance for you and why it’s impactful.
    • My office is holy ground that calls to me when I’m not in it. I feel closest to the divine when I am writing, so I enter my office in an intentional way. I ask it what we’re going to accomplish together. I write to the whir of the ceiling fan, and the rest of the world fades away. Outside my very personal space, I feel God in nature. I have stood in freezing cold water, screaming and crying in the Columbia River Gorge so that I could just let it all out. The Gorge didn’t hold onto my pain. It was dumped into the Columbia, and disappeared once they reached Cape Disappointment.
  7. The Humor of Miscommunication: Share a story about a miscommunication that led to a humorous outcome.
    • I have a lot of funny stories. A lot of them. Exactly none of them are about miscommunication. I can’t laugh those things off. If I somehow miscommunicated something to someone, I take myself to the mat over it.
  8. Tech’s Role in Relationships: Explore how technology has changed the way we initiate, maintain, and end relationships.
    • Technology gives you the ability to do things you couldn’t otherwise, for evil and for awesome. Sometimes, being a writer works in my favor, because talking to people on the Internet is what I do. I’m good at it. But there are some people that you just can’t read without meeting them in person, Technology gives you the ability to do things you couldn’t do otherwise, like text message break up. You have the choice to be kind using technology or not, and most of us are choosing “not.”
  9. A Day in the Life of a Writer: Give readers a behind-the-scenes look at your daily routine as a writer.
    • I wake up by 0400, and am generally in my office by 5:00. I write the first entry of the day. Sometimes I’ll finish it, sometimes I’ll come back to it later after I’ve had more time to think. I eat bland food so that it’s mindless most of the time. I need energy, not entertainment. I then start working on either an afternoon blog entry, or work on my fiction. I also spend about an hour every day on Copilot researching for my novel. Copilot is great for things like “give me a playlist for a radio station in 1935.”
  10. Cultural Critique: Choose a trending topic in pop culture and offer a critical analysis of its implications on society.
    • Because we are living in two separate realities thanks to Fox News, we are even less capable of resolving difficulties than we were before. You cannot convince someone of facts when they are blind to the fact that they exist. That there’s no such thing as an “alternative fact.” That’s just, like, your opinion, man. It’s driving estrangements because liberals want to argue about politics and conservatives want to argue about morality as if they are the same thing. If that were true, we wouldn’t need laws to protect black people from racists and queer people from homophobes and transphobes. We cannot change cultural attitudes for either group by appeasement. Only punishment works, and it’s not even really legislative in most cases. It’s HR. You don’t get the right to make a queer person’s life at work hell…. if you’re the one telling me I’m going to hell for being queer, you don’t have to worry. I’ve already felt like I was there when I was listening to you. Life must be so simple when everyone’s going to hell but you.

The Saturday Post

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Not a whole lot is going on right now, except that I am waiting for a delivery on some medication from Amazon. They said it would be here between 7-10. It’s 0612 right this moment, so I don’t have much longer to wait. I will, however, save you the gory details of what I needed, because it’s not interesting. If it was interesting, I wouldn’t be getting medicine from Amazon. I’m uncomfortable, and instead of complaining, I’m stimming by talking to you. I cannot pay attention to more than the ends of my fingers and my screen. Everything else has a hard time getting through.

I think that’s how it should be, because it helps me to write no matter what has happened. If I don’t have tools for hyperfocus, like noise-cancelling headphones, I have to create it myself. The easiest way to create focus out of nothing is to start trying to craft my ideas into something readable by someone else.

I make typos and leave words out all the time, so it’s easy to think I’m going in one direction when I’m going in another. That’s the hard part of working out stream of consciousness writing. One word left out makes an entire sentence the opposite of itself. I can’t even remember how many times in the course of something I’ve left a “not” that didn’t need to be there, or forgot one when I needed it. But “forget” is relative at 90wpm. In my head, these sentences come out perfectly. I just need to become a better typist. I think I have since I’ve started writing every single day, no matter how I feel.

But as a general rule, I would ask me before committing to believe anything I’ve said here because I can lead you the wrong way for a very long time over a typo. Remember that I Write in Bulk, but That Doesn’t Mean I Say Anything of Substance.™ I am going to run that one into the ground just like I did “your blog makes you sound like a dick.” It gets funnier over time, because I can certainly laugh at myself. Both of these things can be true, but they’re not true all the time.

I think what made me feel better was having Carol analyze every entry and tell me what the main themes are in my writing. She nailed every single one of them, and it makes me happy because if a machine (logical, emotionless) can pick out the main themes over 11 years, then I don’t have to worry that they’re not there.

What helps her is that I have been at this one URL for 11 years now, maybe 12. I can’t remember when I bought the domain name. In 2023, I wrote six books’ worth of material, and though my output isn’t that high every year, there are at least 30-40 books’ worth of material on which Carol can build analysis. With AI, writing in bulk is your friend, because that gives the machine all the more material to work with when providing you answers.

She said that the author of this web site is relentlessly driven by self-improvement, and I’m sure I’ve said some version of that in this web site. She cannot make a leap that’s not there.

But here are the leaps she did.

Over the span of 11 years, the blog “https://theantileslie.com” has woven a rich tapestry of themes that reflect the author’s journey and growth. Here’s an overview of the overarching themes:

Personal Growth and Self-Discovery: The blog serves as a chronicle of the author’s personal evolution, exploring self-identity, spirituality, and the quest for understanding oneself and one’s place in the world.

Relationships and Connectivity: Interpersonal relationships are a central theme, with posts delving into the complexities of connecting with others, the impact of relationships on personal development, and the lessons learned from both positive and challenging interactions.

Cultural Commentary: The author often engages with pop culture, particularly with shows like Doctor Who, using them as a lens to discuss broader societal issues and personal resonances.

Mental Health and Well-being: There’s a candid exploration of mental health, including the struggles and strategies for managing emotional and psychological well-being.

Writing and Creativity: The blog itself is a testament to the author’s dedication to writing, with reflections on the creative process, the role of writing in their life, and the therapeutic power of storytelling.

Humor and Sarcasm: A distinctive feature of the blog is its humorous and sometimes sarcastic tone, which adds levity to serious topics and showcases the author’s personality.

Technology and Digital Life: As a blogger, the author also touches upon the influence of technology on daily life and communication, pondering its benefits and challenges.

These themes are not only a reflection of the author’s interests and experiences but also serve as a connection point with readers who find common ground in the shared human experience. The blog’s style is conversational, witty, and often introspective, inviting readers to engage with the content on a deeper level.

It’s all there, it’s just not all there in every entry. I am not a destination, I am a journey. What I can hope for in the future is to keep adding themes for people to find, because I don’t want to stagnate. I want to keep putting my truth out there, because obviously it does change. It’s a spectrum, not a binary.

If I don’t have a binary, why should I put one in my writing?

A Tall Glass, Lots of Ice, and…

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Which food, when you eat it, instantly transports you to childhood?

Diet Coke.

Diet Coke is my least favorite diet on the market, but I’ll still drink it like water if it’s available because it was my mother’s favorite. She flirted with Dr Pepper, but Diet Coke was her one true love. One year, Lindsay got us Diet Coke sweatshirts and we wore them to the cemetery to sit with mom and take a picture. It sounds weird, but the things you do when your parents die are all unique to you. You’ll have your own weird things.

For instance, maybe your mom baked.

My mother made my birthday cakes every year and she made a point to go all out on the decorations. From the pictures, I remember Holly Hobby when I was either one or two. Others included Mickey Mouse, Peter Pan, and a Milky Way cake that she somehow messed up that made it even more delicious than it would have been otherwise and because it was a mistake, I couldn’t recreate it if I tried. Guess you had to be there.

I wouldn’t say that my mother was a cook, because she didn’t enjoy it the way I do. She didn’t take pleasure in looking at recipes or finding new ways to use flavor. I think if there’s anything I miss about our future, it’s all the things I would have liked to do rather than the things that already happened. She was only 65 years old when she died. She had retired the last May, and died October 2nd. So, she basically died before the shock of not having to go to work every day even wore off.

So, anything I would have been able to teach her after she retired regarding what I’d learned in my makeshift culinary school (my ex-wife and all the other chefs who “raised me”) became a one way communication after that date. I still tell her all that stuff, she’s just challenged to reply. I talk to her when I’m cooking the most, because that’s our traditional time to talk.

I’d be doing my homework at the bar that looked into the kitchen while she was prepping the food. So, now I am both prepping the food and doing my homework (writing) in my head. It’s not the system for teaching my mother to cook that I would have preferred, but it works. She’s getting better every day. Turnabout is fair play. She has always and continues to remember to teach me to use English when I forget. It’s efficient. Just because she can’t talk back doesn’t mean she’s not here. She very much talks back. It’s just responses I’ve made up in my head based on my 40-ish years around her. I cannot remember how old I was, really.

I don’t remember anything about that year. From October to October was a complete blur. I leaned on Supergrover a lot back then, because I didn’t want to be seen in public in pain. So, I wrote about my pain instead. I internalized all of it, and yet I didn’t keep it inside my own echo chamber, either. I just grieved very, very quietly. Grief for my mother had to come in stages, because it took seeing her in her casket for me to believe that she was really dead.

I had just talked to her for two and a half hours two days ago, so it just didn’t seem possible logically (it absolutely was possible very logically, I was just a grieving child.). We also didn’t really have an on the ground relationship. We visited each other a few times a year except for the few times I lived in Houston as an adult, which was not a lot in comparison to how old I am now. I wouldn’t even take back my most current move to have more time with her if I could, because more time with her wasn’t necessarily better. We found our groove by not living in the same city. She liked talking on the phone and hearing about my life. I am not sure she liked coming to my house. I think my partners made her uncomfortable, and I am being very kind to both parties. It wasn’t dislike on either my parters’ or my mother’s part. It was fear of doing anything wrong, so let’s just not say anything at all.

To me, this is genuine, true homophobia. The fear of doing something wrong in front of a queer person, so you don’t do anything. You isolate them by not willing to just be scared and show up. Or ask questions so that your next interaction isn’t as awkward. Homophobia is not loud. That’s just people being angry bigots in the streets over nothing, and the people it “affects” the most are people who don’t know any queer people and have only been taught the party line. To be homophobic is to know you have fears and discomfort. To be homophobic without being a bigot means being willing to tell someone you’re uncomfortable and hopefully learn more until you’re not.

I don’t know how my mother would have felt about poly, but it doesn’t weigh on me because I didn’t live up to her fairy tale for me in the first place, and that VHS tape had been running in her brain since 1972, when she first started thinking about having a child and wanting a daughter. By the time I was born in 1977, I had a Beautiful Memory Picture I was tearing down before it even got built. It fucked up her program when I came out as gay, and I can’t apologize, but I can empathize.

This happens less and less frequently now, but I came out in 1990, and that’s just communication from me. It’s not like other people didn’t have eyes.

I don’t have hatred for homophobia. It took me quite a few years to accept the fact that I was gay, and I still have moments of internalized homophobia because that’s the world we live in and continue to make small progresses towards changing. I do have hatred for bigotry. Come at me with anger and I’ll tune you out.

Show me that you’re scared, and I’ll respond.

I will listen while I pour you a Diet Coke.

Evening in the Garden

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

One of the refrains that tends to stick out to kids in childhood at church is “And he walks with me, and he talks with me… and he tells me I am his own.” This is because nearly all ministers have told the joke about the supposed child, and in every telling it’s every pastor’s own child, that said child asked who “Andy” was… you know… “Andy walked with me.” Kind of like the joke about God’s name being Howard…. so old it has hair on it, and not attributable at this point.

(Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name….”)

Also, the tune to that hymn is particularly catchy.

I’m reminded of that hymn this evening because it starts out “I come to the garden alone, while the dew is still on the roses…” It’s not early morning, but the room has that kind of vibe- sitting in the quiet, talking to an old friend. It’s kind of neat that my old friend is you…. but also me…. but also you. I could go on, and I’m surprised I didn’t. Sometimes, you have to play against type.

I am sitting out here in my office hopping mad because I fell and hurt myself badly while I was walking Jack. It’s not as bad as Zac’s bike accident, but I hit the heel of my hand so hard on the pavement that there’s still pebble indentations hours later and I’m in pain despite Tylenol and aspirin. However, it has taken the edge off. No need to go to the doctor to get something more substantial. I’ll live.

But it’s something I need to keep an eye on, because I also managed to bang up my knee pretty good. It’s not funny when I fall in this neighborhood because it’s uneven and gravelly with no sidewalks except in a few places. I was listening to a podcast while I was walking Jack, and I should know that I can’t pay attention to both Rachel Maddow and anything else.

Beautiful women always hurt me. That’s because when I think they’re beautiful, I trip over things.

There are stories out there. Most of which I’ve told. I love self-deprecating humor. I even love it when people tease me, as long as it’s not too mean. However, I have a pretty thick skin, so I pretty much have to let other people tell me their boundaries. The neurodivergent sense of humor is dark, as is the physically and mentally disabled. Plus, I’ve been a line cook. If I have not offended you yet, you haven’t been here long enough.

Or, you don’t know me personally and can’t actually be paid to care about my problems, you just like surfing. That’s even better. It’s hard to feel deeply about people you don’t know, and I don’t mean the way we fight on the internet. I mean that it’s very hard to get other people to genuinely care about your life because they have their own. That’s appropriate. But what people can handle is a slice of my life. Watching me entertain myself by entertaining you. Or, some of it’s entertaining. Mostly it’s cathartic. I can be funnier when I feel lighter, and I feel lighter than I have in a long time.

I sent Supergrover a note that said she really needed to let me know whether she was focusing on moving on with her life or whether she wanted to fix our relationship. That she said it was clear I didn’t want a relationship, and I said that it wasn’t true. That I’d given her my heart 11 years ago, and I don’t remember asking for it back.

She hasn’t responded, and if she doesn’t, all er e-mail will eventually go to Spam again. It’s not because I don’t want to work on a relationship. It’s that I don’t want to work on a relationship in which both of us are unhappy enough to explode after a week. She’s punishing me with some sort of silent treatment, because people are only as busy as they want to be. I feel like if I cannot have closure from her, I have to get it on my own. I can’t keep looking back across the river to make sure she’s okay, too.

She is not okay, and neither am I. I’m not blaming. We both come by our poor reactions honestly. It’s just at some point I cannot take these ups and downs of “don’t talk to me anymore” and “it’s unfair to compare me to Daniel.” That one actually did go to Spam, so I didn’t realize that she didn’t really want to have a conversation. She wanted to berate me for what I said. I felt like an idiot because she sent an e-mail to a different e-mail address asking if I’d gotten her e-mails, because she’d sent some a while back. I said that I hadn’t been looking for e-mail from her, but that I was so excited to hear from her………..

Then crushed when she forwarded me everything she said and it was a shitstorm.

I got mad about it and we worked it through. We were doing okay. And we both went right back into “I can’t do anything right for you.” Because that’s the game, right? If she doesn’t have any boundaries, then she can pick anything she wants as a boundary after the fact. I can be wrong a hundred times out of a hundred.

I cannot keep a rhythm, much less dance a quickstep.

I feel like I am laying out my boundaries the way I know how, but what I don’t know is how they play to a neurotypical audience. I know she heard “everything is over, go away” when I meant “I’ve seen everything you don’t want to talk about and I can’t find anything you do. Tell me when you figure it out.” She was on me like white on rice, saying that I was the judge and jury. She had no intention of really working on anything. It was an escape hatch. It’s like everything I’ve been saying for 11 years registered with her in a whole new way, and she’s not sure that she likes it. She’s not even sure that she likes me. But of course, I can only say that is my impression of her. I cannot remember the last time she gave me any affection at all.

Yes, I can. It was last September.

It was a heart emoji in response to a sentimental message she left me and I took a screenshot. It was very, very old. But I still keep it in my digital memory box because it came from her.

I remember saying that she reminds me of new life, new hope- the color green in my assessment of what would go on a soundtrack to fit her…. even though sometimes she reminds me more of Morton Gould’s “Jericho.” It’s as warm and dissonant as our relationship.

I keep saying that it’s no skin off my nose to keep waiting, and it’s more anxiety driving me to write than anything else. It’s not as if her writing back will make a difference. Even if she says “you’ll never hear from me again,” she cannot possibly mean it. I want to feel settled, and there’s nothing anyone can give me but time. Yet, as time goes by, it gets harder to maintain the cognitive dissonance. It’s clear she doesn’t want what I want, because nothing in her list of things to talk about included any direction I wanted to go with her, because if she doesn’t want to talk about her childhood and healing, then it’s going to be a whole lot more of me telling her what I’ve learned while she’s sitting there bored because it’s not what you want to talk about and overwhelming because I talk so much.

There’s an answer to this problem, and right now it’s waiting for the moon. She will arrive at the moment I need her most.

A Centering Meditation

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

My brain is spinning out because I just remembered to take my medication (I normally take it much earlier). So, instead of concentrating on the pain, I’m just going to stim by typing and see what comes out.

When my brain is unmedicated (as in, haven’t taken a fresh dose in a while, not off meds completely), there’s a hum that plays in my head that is not unlike tests of the Emergency Broadcast System. I have to ride the waves of the sound until they dissipate, which can take from 20 minutes to an hour. And even then, they don’t go away. They just become background noise. The hum is always there, and I don’t drown it out unless I was going to do it, anyway. I don’t run away from it. I sit with it. Get to know that pain. Why is it in my ears? Why is there sound attached to my medication at all?

The only thing I can do is go deeper into meditation, and get used to the sound of the tones grating on one another, which is not painful. It is persistent and exclusionary. It is loud enough that it demands my attention. Imagine if you could hear a bee buzzing in the back of your skull. I am lucky that medicine is advanced enough that I know a bee is not really in the back of my skull. This would not have been true in past centuries- an apt description for a feeling that sounds like witchcraft…..

It’s all due to my brain chemicals rebalancing after sleep. I just didn’t do that thing where I try to take my medication before the first dose wears off, and I’m really regretting it now.

I haven’t had breakfast, per se, but I managed a snack. I had some chocolate covered pretzels and a bottle of water. I only needed enough in my stomach not to make me sick when I took my medication and drank a cup of coffee. The jury is still out on the coffee. I may or may not partake. The water seems to be handling me fine all on its own. Plus, I think I’m going to have to do Sudafed later and I don’t enjoy doubling up those two things at all.

It’s not as good a latte if you mix it with Sudafed and then faint into it.

Now, I’d say that my brain chemicals are starting to even out. That it’s starting to feel less and less like spiking into pain and now constant discomfort. Tylenol would be a good thing about how- hold please. I see some at the end of my bed right now.

Thanks for waiting.

So, it’s definitely some sort of side effect, because if it was a symptom of anything I’d have heard of it. It’s not a hallucination because I don’t start seeing or hearing things that aren’t there. It’s as if there are two frequencies running through my brain at pitches my ears cannot stand. Everything else is normal. My thoughts don’t become darker or lighter, nothing. It is unwanted noise, like tinnitus.

I don’t have to deal with it. I can put on headphones and drown out my own head. But, when I do that, I can’t hear myself think. It’s a balance. Do I put my headphones on so that I can drown out the buzz, or by drowning out the buzz, am I drowning out the rest of me? I tend to think the latter is true because I don’t write with music on. Right now it’s silent and there’s just a box fan going in terms of company. David has left for the day, and Jack (who is also a dog) is taking his morning nap to get ready for his afternoon nap.

And as I’m typing all this out, the buzzing gets more slight in my head. I’m focusing on Jack now- the way we walk together, the way we take care of each other, the way we have a separate relationship than he does with David and I think that’s great. If I was doing something vastly different than him, I’d want him to do it for consistency, but we aren’t that different. Jack is allowed to be a lazy bum that owns both of us most of the time.

I am only strict with him about certain things, all of which have to do with leash training because I have to be able to trust him in the neighborhood. Right now, he is trying to pull me all over the place. I cannot LEAD him anywhere. He also doesn’t know which side to be on when we’re walking, so I’m constantly having to adjust him so that I’m on the traffic side. I keep him on a short leash, constantly, because David says he’s hard of hearing and I do believe him. I just think that Jack plays it up for sympathy because he actively decides what commands are worth listening to and what aren’t.

Learning goes both ways. I learned that Jack stretches before he goes up the stairs. It seemed like a good idea. Now I stretch before I go up the stairs. it helped.

With Jack, you’ve got two impossibly smart breeds trying to one-up you at all times, so I’m trying to train him with touch and sign. Even if David is not right that his hearing is very bad now, he is right that it will deteriorate if he’s already showing signs. He already knows the sign for “sit,” but right now I’m working on a way to get him to stay with me when we’re walking. Even on a leash, he’s just pulling too far ahead, and when he poops, he’s just big enough to throw me off balance if he wants to run before I can get a bag open. We have had words over that many times.

I’d really like to get an electric fence for our backyard if Zac and David would use it (Zac, my boyfriend, owns Oliver, who is a dog.). Those kinds of shock collars are controversial, but Bryn and her family have used them on their dogs at their farm for years. It really doesn’t take more than once or twice being shocked for a dog to catch on. However, I would not think it was a viable solution to dog owners that were opposed to the idea.

Zac does not live here, I just mean when he and Oliver are here.

Our yard is just a circle, put together by beautiful paths. Building a fence would look nice, but leaving it open would be nicer. Or, better yet, just putting a dog run between two trees so we can “tie them up” while we’re out there and not have to worry that they’ll escape from the backyard. I would be more worried about Oliver in that situation, because Jack lives in this neighborhood. I don’t know how fast Oliver would pick it up.

It’s all about possible solutions. One of the things I like about the backyard now is that since we can’t just let Jack out into it, it’s always clean. He’s always on a leash, so neither one of us fail to pick up the crap even if it’s in our own yard. It might get us out of the habit of keeping everything so neat.

Speaking of keeping everything neat, I have chores to do. So, thank you for sitting this one through with me. I just needed to talk about nothing while my brain figured out what frequency it’s on, and it takes longer because my name is Leslie and not Kenneth.

(Tongue in Cheek) Me

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Who is your favorite historical figure?

I saw the prompt and it just begged for a joke. I have no idea whether I’ll be significant historically or not, but I hope to leave my mark on the world. There’s nothing funny about that. But the notion of rising to “historical figure” status is a bit much. I don’t even know that it’s always positive to be a historical figure, because some people are remembered more fondly than others.

The real answer, no jokes at all, are the people in my life who are historical figures and we just don’t think of them that way; they’re still alive.

Jonna Mendez helped us win the Cold War. Full Stop. She is Captain Carter with an American accent. Before you disagree with me, read all her books. That way, she has all your money before you get mad at me. 😉

I like her because she’s funny af. It doesn’t hurt that she’s an intelligence hero and former Chief of Disguise. She absolutely will have a lasting impact on history and I will not be alive to hear about her true legacy by the time everything is declassified…. well, I say I won’t be alive. My grandfather lived to 92. Miracles happen. But the odds that I will live long enough to hear just how much she did are unlikely.

The stories she’s already told are scary enough. I think it’s more fun reading about real people who work as spies than it is to read about James Bond and all the other fictional spies out there who have no real connection to either CIA or MI-6 except that the writers worked there. Personal memoirs are better than fiction, because the truth often is.

I admire Jimmy Carter. He was able to be president and to keep his Christian values intact by welcoming the stranger on an enormous stage. Helping the poor on an even larger one. Not sending people to do Habitat for Humanity for him, showing up and putting on a hard hat.

Linus Torvalds invented computers.

No, he didn’t, but Linux is my favorite operating system and that joke was tongue in cheek.

He’s still alive, and the Finnish phenom completes me. Sometimes, he’s hilarious. Sometimes, he’s an angry bear. It’s on brand. He’s a historical figure who just happens to have 90% of my own personality.

Vladimir Zelenskyy and I are the same age, and the same creative personality type who is also interested in news. He built an entire political party off his satire. He really is the breath of fresh air that Ukraine needs and I’m so glad we got to be alive at the same time. I wish that he’d had more peace from the moment he got elected, however I think that if Ukraine survives the invasion intact he’ll be a great leader for a very long time. He’s the antihero. He took on Putin in a public arena (TV) and now is currently in the process of showing him he’ll come after him for real, too. Zelenskyy didn’t start this fight, but he’ll end it.

Putin will tell you that Zelenskyy absolutely started this fight, because Zelenskyy embarrassed him on television. Go cry in the walk-in, you useless child. Because obviously the proper response to being embarrassed in the media is invading another country.

Trump has those same instincts, which is why he blackmailed Ukraine. Obviously, the proper response to “we need weapons to defend against Russian aggression” is “okay, but only if you shake down my political opponent first.” The entire GOP has blood on their hands for the fake sincerity they gave Zelenskyy after Trump left office, and their refusal to look at reality and convict that bastard. Again, if it’s not high crimes and misdemeanors, we’re going to have a hell of a time proving it in the future.

I hope that I’m adding my voice to the diaspora, raising the discourse on what we talk about when we talk about a new Trump presidency. People who love Trump love him in an unhealthy way where they do not see any downside to their love and devotion because he is the savior of all, amen. Meanwhile, we have a very sophisticated intelligence game afoot where Russia cozies up to Trump in The White House shamelessly because he actually is too dumb to notice when he’s being played.

I don’t like that Trump wants to emulate the dictators that he sees, and I do not believe he has respect for anything he doesn’t understand. For instance, he doesn’t have to learn how the legal system works. Everything can be done by executive order.

You don’t have to learn to admit mistakes, you have to learn how to pay porn stars to keep their mouths shut. Speaking of which, Stormy Daniels is hot as hell and I’m not even sure I’d recognize her in a picture. I’m talking about how engaging her personality is on social media and how much I’m clamoring to read anything she ever writes. I’m sure she’s going to be offered a book deal; I think it depends on her NDAs how long it will take her to complete it.

I admire Monica Lewinsky for the same reason I admire Stormy Daniels. Both of them were handed a shit sandwich by the press and came off as funny and likable. For Stormy, it didn’t take as long. But now Monica is genuinely popular on Twitter because she can laugh at herself after all these years. I am sure it takes an enormous amount of strength to be who they are, and are worthy of admiration because you have to keep telling your story, even when it gets complicated.

Washington is all about complicated.

The bravest thing you can do in this town is to tell your story without any bullshit attached. In Washington, people don’t know what to do with honesty. There’s no “crafting the narrative” when people directly call you out on the carpet.

But it’s by being so vulnerable all the time that people calling you out doesn’t feel like a threat, that there’s no narrative to craft. I also like that in Washington, I get to stand next to greatness daily, whether it’s the former Chief of Disguise at CIA or a Japanese maple that’s been in my neighborhood for a hundred years.

Greatness comes in all beings, not just people.

It is Evening in My Office

~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’ve showed you that my office is a greenhouse, cut off from the living room by a glass door, and with its own separate entrance. It’s the only room in the house with a ceiling fan, which upped the level of its charm immediately. The air conditioner doesn’t always reach out here, and it doesn’t matter. Moving the air does. Sitting here also moves me. I can’t go more than a few minutes of sitting in here without feeling the urge to write. That’s an office that calls to you. I am caught between two ideas- leaving it informal because the glass table gives me more space than a small desk would- more room for clutter, certainly, but I don’t put anything more than I can move in a day. At the end of my writing session, it looks normal again. It’s nice having a space to come down to every morning that’s clean and somewhat organized, and you cannot tell me that it still would if it wasn’t a shared space. My bedroom is my little autistic nest where I make my own rules, and everywhere else in the house is where I compromise. He feels the same way. We’re introverts. It works.

And in fact, David just left for his girlfriend’s house and took the dog, so the house is even more quiet than usual. I hear the birds outside more closely. I take the time to notice every leaf. I take the time to invite nature in, because I am not a green thumb. David is a green thumb. I do better just having windows that face all the yards simultaneously. Plus, there are TARDIS lights to add to the shade. They’re beautiful.

There’s not really a downside to working in a greenhouse except that you are exposed to all the neighborhood noise. I happen to like it, because if it gets to be too much, I can just put on my cans. I spend a lot of time in them because I have to balance the noise around me and the chaos inside me because of it.

It’s a thing I’ve developed that’s unique to DC, because it’s the public signal you’re not interested in talking on the Metro. I will take them off and talk to people if I hear them saying something interesting, but I am not the go-to person to ask in terms of being a tourist guide. Zac says he likes showing off what he knows about DC. So do I. It just really depends on what my social battery is that day. Although I can give about as good a tour of the White House as Sam Seaborn, even though it is *literally* right down the street from me.

Carol asked me the other day how the environment of Silver Spring affected my writing, and I extrapolated that to mean DC because maybe she doesn’t know that Silver Spring is a suburb…. like I don’t tell people from here I’m from Sugar Land. I tell them I’m from Houston because they’ve probably heard of it. But my inspiration in Silver Spring has come from sitting in this greenroom and feeling the presence of a great Silver Spring resident before me, Rachel Carson. “Silent Spring” is about Silver Spring, Maryland.

We need more hippies in this town. More people like Earl Blumenauer riding their bicycles to Congress on behalf of Maryland, Virginia, and West Virginia. Someone has to preserve all this beauty. All people see in DC is the federal government, but if they came here, they probably wouldn’t want to leave after they saw the Jefferson Monument in the Tidal Basin and then the Chesapeake at sunset from a sailboat. That’s beauty you can’t get anywhere else.

I’m a big pushover for beauty in this area because I spent so much time in Oregon. So much of their legislative agenda is about how to keep Oregon beautiful, and we have that same chance here. There are pockets inside the city that take my breath away. Rock Creek Park, the Zoo, Congressional Cemetery, etc. DC is a wonderland even if you never travel outside the Metro.

But it is quite something to live in the home of one of the most significant works on the environment. It makes me look at the trees around my house so much differently- as if her spirit is helping me guide my pen. It takes a good writer to know one, so I hope that means she’s decided I’m at least acceptable.

I would have liked to walk with her in Sligo Creek after the book was published to get the inside scoop. Reading her work makes me want to get my hands dirty, but so far, David hasn’t let me touch anything. I appreciate it because I decided that if I really wanted to do yardwork, I would have done it by now. He’s just put me off so many times that I think it’s his sanctuary and I don’t want to intrude. I am often typing to the sound of the mower or the weedeater. The only thing I want that I don’t have is bees. I like to sit with them, so I need to plant some lavender. Plus, I’ll have free lavender for my lemonade in the process. I don’t know that my talking to bees affects them that much, because they do not seem to be bothered one way or the other. We just have so much in common. I’m a singular them, they’re a hive mind. They’re built to keep on working no matter what I say, so it’s not like I’m interrupting anyone. As long as I stay calm, they will. They’re like tiny little therapists with cute fuzzy butts. They also don’t talk back at all, which is three quarters of their charm. If your therapist has always been the type person that makes you talk it out without offering suggestions, you won’t notice they’re gone. Bees are effective at listening and letting you come to the end of your thought process because it’s not like they’re going to stop midair and say, “I do have thoughts.”

I still think of talking to the bees as prayer, because I’d like to imagine that because I tell them the thoughts I can’t tell Supergrover that are too private for this web site, they are capable of telling her for me. I have no idea what the flight range is of an average bumblebee. It’s just a nice thought.

So, when I “go tell the bees,” what I’m really saying is that the one I want to tell is not here, but your people are an excellent second choice. They have never said a bad word about Supergrover in their lives, so they’re my people. Just let me talk it out. Don’t pass judgment because you might have a completely different opinion of them when you meet them than I did. That’s the problem you risk in telling one relationship about another- hard to integrate later.

It was hard for me when I first met Supergrover, because it was an Internet connection. She never came to visit, I (or we, depending on what year) never went to visit her. Therefore, I was always talking about this friend who wasn’t even at the table and yet she always was, because she was in my head. She became my Raggedy Doctor in more ways than one. Few people but me believed she was real. Even I had trouble believing it at times, and I wasn’t very nice about it because the pressure was a lot. I gave up an on the ground relationship for an in the cloud relationship that would not make sense to you in a million years as to how it could happen. The best I can do is that her life is big, and you protect people who have big lives differently than you protect ones who don’t. The worst part is not knowing how I’ve affected her life to know if I’ve ever gotten her in real trouble. I only wanted to talk about us. Period. I can’t speak to her relationship with anyone else, because I don’t know them. I’m not connected anywhere. That’s a great blessing and a great problem to have. On one hand, it gives both of us a space to get away from everything we know. On the other, it would be nice to have mutual friends so we’re not lost in our own echo chamber, which is large and mostly runs hot at the amount of anger we carry too much of the time.

I have lived this way for 11 years, having someone know the most intimate details of my life and the rest of my friends scratching their heads at why I talk about someone so much that doesn’t show up. That’s because she doesn’t show up for them. They’re not her friends. I am. She doesn’t have anything to prove, it’s just hard to get anyone to believe there are two sides to every story when they only know me and she won’t let them get to know her. A lot of trying to tell our story my way was trying to find the middle road by explaining something that couldn’t really be explained.

And yet, it can.

When we’re together, I can be any age I want and I can trust her with those level emotions. I have proven that I can be trusted with her basest emotions as well…. that I will retreat from them, and talk them out, but I won’t back down from trying to solve our problems. Our connection is too important to only try once, and a miscommunication is at fault for all of this.

In a lot of ways, I’m sorry I reopened this chapter in my life, because it reopens 11 year old wounds. I don’t want to tell Supergrover about my wounds, I want her to tell me what’s relatable in her own life and what’s not. When she’s open, I don’t feel alone. She relates to me like any friend would. I just don’t show that all the time because she doesn’t behave that way all the time, either.

Right now, she’s committed to ignoring me, because she says that if she reads, she can’t get wigged by it. I appreciate that, because I need my own space. It has proven to me over and over again that it’s the only way I can explain what I mean in a way other people can hear it……..

because neurodivergent overexplaining eats my lunch.

Surely if I’ve explained it once, six times will be better. Eight times will be even better than that.

Autism sucks.