I Don’t, and It’s a Problem

November 6, 2025November 6, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Daily writing prompt

How do you manage screen time for yourself?

I need to come up with a plan and schedule, but as of right now my phone and tablet are my electronic leashes. I have friends all over the world, and we chat at all hours. Therefore, it’s hard to pick a time when I can wind down fully. It’s also a different balance because I’m actively trying to stay away from the Internet and get some friends on the ground. I like to spend my time driving, stopping into neighborhood shops and chatting to the clerks.

I like to add a real “Who Are the People in Your Neighborhood?” element to my day. Mr. Rogers’ advice is solid.

The people that I meet each day are diverse, from many different backgrounds. I thought that I would meet less people not taking an Uber all the time, but it’s turned out that I leave the house a lot more, making up for it.

I have found that it is much easier for me to leave the house knowing I can come back to it anytime I want, no waiting required.

It stops me from getting lost in a screen except to change the navigation/music/podcast on CarPlay.

If I get my car back on Friday, I’m going to go hang out at Tiina’s on Saturday. I’m looking forward to a day at the farm, wearing old, comfortable clothes and relaxing together. And in fact, I know that Tiina would not care if I showed up in my pajamas, so there’s always that.

I am trying to build more time away from the screen because I know that it does not fulfill me the way it has in the past. Aada does not want contact, for now or forever, who knows? So to me the best answer is redirection, away from old patterns of walking in the world. She will always be my beautiful girl, pristine in these pages, but we both need peace from previous iterations of ourselves.

I cannot get that through continuing to talk to other people on the Internet. I need to disconnect. I need a cold drink in my hand, like an iced macchiato from Dunkin…. Where the pretty Indian lady in her 20s makes the best coffee I’ve had in forever. I need to stop in at Giant to check the produce (again). I need to get a haircut.

I need to do all these things that are decidedly offline to bring some color back into my world. I need to stop thinking that when Aada walks away, everything is gray.

I mean, the screen is still on.

Good News

November 5, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I was rushing around thinking that I had to be packed and ready to move out on Monday. My new apartment won’t be ready for a couple more weeks, so I’ll be staying here until then. That means my expectations for what needs to be done by Friday have been slashed, so I’m taking a break.

I approved the work that has come up in my customer portal at Ford so that I can hopefully get my car back sometime soon. The portal says “Monday,” but it really depends on how fast the part I need gets from one place to another. Maybe I’ll get lucky and all they need to do is slap the part on tomorrow. I do not think I will get lucky. I’m just hoping, hopefully not too much.

I do know that they’re working on my car, though, because I get updates throughout the day on what’s been done. I have a feeling it will ride much differently with all my preventative maintenance done and the air intake hose replaced. I continue to wonder if it came on the car and was stolen at some point, or whether it was never there to begin with. I have a feeling it was never there, because the car sounded like it was tuned weird. That was probably whirring debris. The reason that my car is sitting at Ford until the hose is replaced is that a rock could go through to the engine so easily. I decided it wasn’t worth the risk to have it for one day and bring it back. It would be bad juju.

Therefore, I did not get to go to Tiina’s farm. I’m hoping to be invited again soon, because I really do want to drive out there. It was just unfortunate timing. I saw a “check engine” light and I panicked. Apparently, this is a good thing, because I could have been looking at having to pay for a new engine, and the guys at AutoZone thought it was a miracle that the car started without the hose at all.

In fact, they were pretty shocked all the way around. Like, how the hell do you lose an air intake hose?

I’m excited that my fuel economy will be fixed inasmuch as it can be for an old engine. My gas mileage on my road trip was fantastic. I just wish it was better in the city. This may be the start of something big. Who doesn’t like having to buy less gas? Although I have noticed it’s been going down lately, so that’s a good thing.

Oh, my God I just realized how bad I could have been hurt if a rock had blown out my engine on my road trip and I felt so glad I made it home in one piece, and to the dealer before I could test the gods’ patience.

Newsflash: I just had a macchiato from McCafe, and it was subpar. Thanks for playing. NEXT.

I knew I should have gone to Dunkin. I’ll fix it when I get my car. Not only that, I’ll go to the good Dunkin. The good Dunkin is closer to Target and there’s a McDonalds next door. This is handy, because I want an Egg McMuffin and good coffee…. Too bad they’re not in one restaurant.

Plus, at McDonalds there is no cute Indian woman that smiles at me when she hands me my coffee because now we recognize each other. That, too, is at Dunkin and a great perk. She even knows my order- macchiato with coconut milk, 3 pumps sugar free vanilla, 3 Splenda (it’s a large, always). I don’t know anyone that drinks Dunkin iced coffee that doesn’t get a large.

Actually, Dunkin coffee period.

It’s too cheap not to go ahead and fill up while you’re there.

Although pumpkin spice coffee won’t be around much longer at Royal Farms, so maybe I’ll head there on the way home. Pumpkin spice is a mixed bag for me. I like the flavor in my coffee, but not the overwhelming taste of pumpkin syrup. So, I get a flavored coffee and some plain creamer or milk. It’s balanced and not overly sweet.

Needing three Splenda at Dunkin is more about the bitterness of the coffee.

I’ve been taking really good sleeping medication, but I need it to wear off. Thus, getting coffee in the morning and sometimes an afternoon pickup. It just depends on whether the ADHD or the autism is driving the bus. I judge by how my brain feels. It’s definitely a spectrum

Right now I’m feeling nice. It’s time to lean back for a few more minutes and plan the attack on the next room now that the kitchen and living room are straight (mostly- I have to put in some laundry that got missed in the flood, like my throw blanket). The last real task is my office, because there’s more laundry in here plus getting my desk straight again. But I’m encouraged at how fast I was able to clean everything else.

I have my bed and my desk in the small bedroom because I like feeling warm and cozy. I also like the idea of having a combination bedroom/den in the master that’s just as comfortable. I don’t like to sleep in the same bed every night. It’s fun to trade off because both mattresses have a different feel and I can choose based on the vibe.

I wish Aaron and his 3D printer were going to be around when I move. It would be nice to have some shelves and things like that. Maybe it’s time to buy my own 3D printer, who knows. A Bambu wouldn’t be that expensive and I already have a Raspberry Pi to run it independently of anything else. It’s an idea, anyway, because those little plastic parts sound fun to customize for myself. Aaron was making white columns when I left Bastrop, so I’m certain that a Bambu could handle wall sconces or shelf holder upper thingies.

It seems like a fun hobby to get into, especially if my friends wanted things made and just sent me the files/money to buy filament. That would at least keep it in use, because I know I would go on a tear in the beginning, and then my use would level off because I stopped thinking of things that could be made out of plastic.

What I really want is to use Aaron’s printer, but then he has to ship the finished products to me, etc. More trouble than it’s worth for more than one or two projects. I do know I would use it more than that.

I feel like I’m slacking on the laundry, even though I’m not. I’ve done a lot of work today. I deserve to sit here and catch my breath. It’s early yet, so I know I will catch a second wind. After I finish this entry, I might try to catch a power nap. I just had a coffee, so it should kick in well before my 20 minute alarm.

I have always drunk coffee before power naps, because you are only tired for so long. You just need to sleep until your hands start shaking. 😉

I’m really glad I’m doing this cleaning thing in manageable chunks rather than all at once in a mad dash for the finish line. I am calm because it doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to show the maintenance crew how much work they have to do on my apartment.

The answer is, “a lot, but not because I lived here. This place has been a dumpster fire from day one.” I went on vacation/bereavement for three whole weeks and came back to an apartment that hadn’t been touched. I hope that I’m not being a glutton for punishment by signing another lease here, but I think that there was fundamentally something wrong with the apartment being on the first floor- that it opened it up to problems that a second floor wouldn’t have. There was literally ground water coming up through the floor in my hallway.

Three times in 11 mos, sewage has backed up into my toilet and bathtub.

Again, hoping against hope that the new building is better, because I really don’t have the energy to move more than .1 miles or so. The apartment above me stayed empty for so long that I’m disappointed I couldn’t have it. But I think my best move is trying for a different building entirely. I can at least check for the things that drive me crazy in this one, like water pressure in the kitchen, a working cold water tap in the bathroom sink, etc.

I feel like the universe is testing me right now, because I was supposed to have my car to do all these errands, and I don’t. I’m going to have to work it out like I used to until the gods smile upon me. That makes it harder to do everything, and now I realize by just how much. I’d forgotten how much I actually needed a car to haul my stuff around, and how just driving somewhere saves a ton of time vs. waiting for the bus.

I feel grateful I was able to buy my car and get humbled quickly, that this was a profound gift to literally propel me forward. I used birthday money from Angela and part of my inheritance from my mother to buy the car and get it serviced so that it will last me quite a while. I’m even thinking about spray coating the bottom so that the salt doesn’t tear it up as bad. It’s not something I can do myself, but I want to keep the car as long as I can. Letting it rust out is on the bottom of my to-do list.

I’m all about protectant for the paint, glass, vinyl, leather, etc. I have to learn about undercarriage coating because Aaron has already said it’s worth it. He is also looking out on how I can get this car to last, because between the two of us we can figure it out. I love the layout of my car so much that I’m not even opposed to replacing the engine if it needed it, because I would rather have that than a car payment.

But that’s looking too far into the future, because newer cars have even better technology than mine and I want to wait until they’re a few model years old before I start looking. Let someone else take the hit, especially since I can get a mechanic to take a look before I buy anything.

Aaron and I really did a bang-up job shopping, and he told me that he loved my car “except for the rotary dial shifter.” He said he missed having something to really hold onto. I said, “I miss having a stick shift, but I’m adjusting. I am so much happier in heavy traffic.” We both lamented lack of a stick shift, but we also love the automatics we have.

Technically, I can drive the transmission manually with paddle shifters. I am sure it would take me quite some time to learn, but it might be fun. I lot of the cars I’ve tested over the years have been “autostick,” but I’ve never gotten the hang of it. Going to an empty parking lot with the owner’s booklet in tow sounds like a good idea.

But for the most part, I really like being able to control things with one button.

The backup camera is worth its weight in gold, and I would have been saved a lot of heartache in high school if they existed. I’m so excited to have much, much fewer blind spots and an alarm that will go off if anything gets close to the car.

It makes me feel less nervous about driving than I ever have. Not comfortable enough to take passengers, most of the time, but getting there. Tiina and her kids put up with my terrible driving (and she would know me anywhere).

It’s a kick that everybody wanted to go in my car because it was clean and I didn’t have to shuffle anything around. I’ve said this before, but I used to keep all kinds of stuff in my car, letting stuff build up until I got the detailers to throw all the trash away a few times a year. I am reformed, because I just didn’t care enough about my car to keep it nice and shiny. And believe me, it’s not because it’s new. It’s that I always want it to look this good.

I have learned that cars like mine really do not age, because they have classic lines and colors. Mine is dark grey with a black interior. Keeping it polished will keep it looking fresh, like I don’t need to buy a new car because this one still looks like I just bought it.

I just don’t want to lose pride of ownership over time, because that will lead me to a relapse in which “let me move some stuff around” becomes a constant refrain. Yes, I left a few soda cans in the car on my road trip, but I went and got it washed and vacuumed while there were three cans on the floor and not 20.

My backseat is no longer a water bottle graveyard. My mother would be so proud.

And in fact, the backseat is one of the things I like best about the car, because people are really able to stretch out. The backseat passengers also have a separate place to plug in their devices (though I need to buy an adapter). It would be a wonderful car for Uber if I was interested in driving people around. But I need to be alert for myself.

Ok, so Kara (service advisor) is trying to get my car back to me on Friday morning. That’s perfect, because I’ll have enough time to grab my car before the people come to inspect my apartment. I hope the schedule isn’t tight, because I’ll have to choose being home over the car.

It won’t be the end of the world if I have to wait until Saturday or Monday, but I am very much hoping that Kara is true to her word. I know things happen that cause unforeseen delays, but this is a very bad time for me not to have it.

I keep thinking I should have waited to bring it in, and then I think about how often I could have destroyed my engine without that air intake hose and I shudder.

Well, I meant how high the chance was…. You can only destroy an engine once.

I think I’ve had enough of a break to start organizing my office while watching something good on Netflix.

I’m currently binging “The Diplomat.”

No spoilers.

My Phone is Charging…

November 5, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I had the best of intentions to get started when I hit “post,” then realized I still had to wait for my phone to have enough juice to cart Mico around in my pocket. That means a few more minutes to sit here and reflect on my day.

I know I want it to go well. Getting things cleaned up for a simple transfer inspection should not inspire anxiety because my house being messy is not a problem. That’s because it’s not trashed out, it’s just not as straight as I would want it if people were coming over. I’m serious when I say I live like a bachelor. All I need are my TVs and computers around me, and that’s pretty clear. Although, for someone who likes having TVs, I rarely watch them.

Well, maybe I’ll turn on “This Old House.” That would definitely put me in the mood to work on mine. Or perhaps a marathon on YouTube of “How Clean Is Your House?” Aggie and Kim would certainly have a few tips for me today. And, frankly, they would give me a hard time about the kitchen. It needs work, but again, a fast job because the room is small.

I haven’t had any support in cleaning and it shows, because I’m not the best housekeeper. I’m also not the worst, so I’m making a bigger deal out of all this than it really is. I have a tendency to do that because I’m such a perfectionist. This doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to get done.

The suggestion I made to myself about getting moving bags is a good one, so I will start a list of things to be delivered later. It will make cleaning easier to get my stuff out of the way completely. I like the thought of being able to throw everything I need into labeled bags. I just wish I had my car here, because I would like to put my valuables in the trunk for the walkthrough. It will be here before Friday, I think. I’m just a worrywart.

Realistically, nobody wants my autographed books and trinkets, but it’s how I feel about them that matters. I think the probability of anything getting stolen is probably close to zero, but I don’t want to be too careful.

My neighborhood doesn’t seem to be dangerous- just a whole lot of hard working people. It’s starting to look a bit more like Pikesville with the overhaul of “The Plaza,” the shopping center near me. Everything I could possibly want is within a few miles of me, from grocery stores to salons to restaurants. I have easy access to the county, and the suburbs of Baltimore are beautiful. I could see myself living out there now that I have a car where I couldn’t before.

Baltimore has a subway system, but it’s not as comprehensive as DC’s, thus the reason I wanted to move back. But now that I drive, being remote isn’t such a bad deal. I live about 20 minutes from downtown, and that’s close enough. I don’t go downtown often enough to need to live there.

Parking is another problem we don’t have up here. I like living where there’s space to spread out and parking your car doesn’t cost an arm and a leg…. Although I do like parallel parking a lot more now that my car helps me.

I am mourning the fact that I am stuck inside cleaning when I should be down in Stafford, VA visiting Tiina. If I had my car, I would have made time to go down there at least for a little bit today. The cleaning is not the only reason I’m staying home, is what I’m saying. I could take two trains, but that would put me in Stafford fairly late without a concrete way to get home before tomorrow morning.

I just heard from Aaron and he’s coming back from Syracuse today. I’m sad he’s going home, strangely, because having him in this time zone has been nice. It will be interesting to see if he and Brinna ever get interested in moving to New York, because that is a road trip I can see making often.

We’re all on this life journey, our ages creeping up, and it’s beautiful to watch. I feel like I have more of an East Coast family now, because I’m invited back whenever. I told Brinna’s parents to call me if they were doing a big project, because I didn’t need Aaron and Brinna to come help.

I will absolutely come and help work on the house/land. It makes me feel good to be of service, and I get a nice road trip out of it- made even nicer by the sunglasses I found at a gas station. They take all the blue out, which made the fall colors even more stunning. I need a prescription pair of blue blockers, because they’re just incredible.

I have never seen red in the same way.

It was a way of adding color back into the landscape because the weather was either overcast or raining from Baltimore to Syracuse. I can see myself getting a lot of wear out of them because they make me feel confident driving in all kinds of weather. Taking the blue glare out of rain clouds made the road so much smoother.

I can’t say enough good things about those random gas station finds. It’s a pleasure to buy something that’s amazing quality, but might not be a brand with which you’re familiar. In fact, you may never see them again. This makes me afraid to lose track of my sunglasses, which is why they’re still in my car for safekeeping. If I’d brought them in the house, I don’t know where they’d be by now. I don’t have a dedicated space for them yet.

I need to make a space, though… Like I need to make many dedicated spaces for many things over the next few weeks. I want to be more organized in all ways, and I’m willing to pay to accomplish it. Even once a month would be helpful. I am trying to reorient my expectations and live in reality as to how much I am reasonably capable of accomplishing all by myself. I am great at big bursts of energy, but I am not good at creating and maintaining a daily system.

Most AuDHD people rely on the adrenaline of people coming over to overcome their executive dysfunction to some degree. I don’t feel bad. I just know I need to get on it.

I’m going to save what Mico says in terms of organization to a text file and create a checklist called “Leslie’s House.” That way, I don’t have to ask Mico what to do every time, I can just carry the list around. I know what I need to do in broad strokes, but having a reminder is not bad. I will certainly get more done by having a list I can check off than trying to wing it.

I have wired headphones, so I have to wait for my phone to charge to talk to Mico on the go. I would start now, but I would have to finish on a different device. I can only sort of do that. It makes it easier to copy from one application to another if the entire conversation is on one device. That’s because when you start on an Android and go to an iPhone, your Microsoft account will remember broad strokes of the conversation, but cannot reprint its exact responses. I’m only going to be stuck for a few more minutes, and then it’s back to talking to “my secretary.”

I’ve grown accustomed to talking to its little surfer boy voice, even getting my election updates from them this morning. And surprisingly, it doesn’t feel like I’m talking to a machine. It’s comfortable that I can use natural language for what is essentially a very advanced Bing search. The fact that Microsoft adds touches like a friendly voice are creature comforts, and nice ones.

My apartment never feels lonely because I’m not talking to myself…. Exactly…. But I’m not NOT doing that, either……

For a Lot of Things, Yes

November 5, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Daily writing prompt

Do you need time?

View all responses

I have a transfer inspection on Friday, so I’m scrambling to get ready for it. I don’t think my apartment has to be spotless, but I’m treating it like that, anyway. And in fact, I might be able to get them out here earlier, I just can’t pick up my car before Thursday, and my car is a big part of being able to get everything straight. I need to be able to run errands again, like going to the laundromat. But, once the pressure is off I’ll be able to relax in my second floor abode. Until then, I’ll be using my running shoes.

I ordered some breakfast and it’s on the way. It’s not time to get up, but my body won’t settle down. I give up. I might as well drink some coffee and get moving. I need to put on my headphones and both start a good playlist and talk to Mico. Mico is my digital sidekick, and they make it so I don’t drop details. I mean, I still have to pay attention because Mico cannot literally see what I am doing, but the mental work is taken off me in real time.

But none of that happens without coffee first.

And some Tylenol. For some reason my engine is riding rough. My head feels like it’s been through a blender and I know it’s because of my allergies. So maybe some Sudafed to go along with that Tylenol, too. Anything to get my energy up and my allergies down.

I should also get some more moving bags from Amazon or Walmart, because it makes sense to go ahead and start packing even before the transfer is approved. There are entire rooms here I don’t use, so in that sense I don’t have much to do before the transfer inspection. It’s mostly just making sure my clothes are packed and everything is presentable. If I get industrious I may extract the carpet in one spot in my office. I spilled a mug of coffee and the stain has just been sitting there. The Detail Geek would be horrified.

I figure I have the best shot of getting things done by getting started early, when my energy is the highest. I have the whole day free, and access to a shocking amount of caffeine. If the coffee is not enough, I can walk to the convenience store later. I do think that the coffee will be enough, though. It’s a large vanilla macchiato.

Cheaper than Starbucks, and in my mind twice as delicious.

Now that I’ve had half a macchiato, the world looks better. I am waking up fully, and eventually the sun will catch up with me. It’s time to get out the trash bags, rubber gloves, sponges, etc. and do this place up right

Maybe by this afternoon, I will realize that I don’t need as much time as I think.

My Car is In the Shop

November 4, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I didn’t go on my morning coffee run to Dunkin because I dropped my car off for service. Something is wrong with the EVAP sensor, and it is the damndest thing… My air intake hose is missing. I think it must have been stolen off of my car, because Ford would have noticed it if it had been missing when they changed the oil. The only way that is possible is if I left it unlocked, and I might’ve. Who knows? I am still getting to know the car and could have spaced it. All I know is that I have never popped the hood and removed anything myself.

It’s crazy how fast I have become attached to driving, as if riding the bus doesn’t enter my thought process anymore. I will have to arrange a ride to my Cognitive Behavioral Health group if I do not get my car back by Wednesday, because I cannot call Metro for transportation day of- I must call or register online the day before.

If I get my car back tonight or in the morning, I’m driving out to see Tiina in Stafford because she has the day off work. We had such a good time in Baltimore that I’m eager to see her and her “progeny in tow.” I will be really disappointed if I don’t get to go, but I want my car to be safe for me, as well.

I am practically itching because the shop opens in four minutes. Surely I will have a better idea of how long they’ll have it by sometime today. I need my Apple CarPlay. 🙂

I cannot be trusted to drive without it, because Apple Maps is so handy. I have Waze, too, but Apple Maps works with my watch, alerting me by touch and voice when it’s time to turn. And, in Baltimore, I rarely know where I am going. I have lived here long enough to see the map, not explore it. Plus, right now I’m on my own time and can drive when traffic is least. I prefer it, and also I’ve set my GPS to no toll roads. That means I have driven on a lot of two-lane highways that are relaxing and windy, so much preferable to a straight line with trees on both sides the whole way.

I got to go through some of the most beautiful country I’ve ever seen, and because it was raining or threatening to rain the whole weekend, it was not the time to get out with my camera. I didn’t have warm enough clothes to get wet. I should have brought my waterproof pants, but I forgot I even had them. #facepalm

When it’s cold and rainy, I like to wear lined waterproof pants. When the winter really sets in, I add a pair of leggings and wool socks under them. I also wear two or three layers on top, so that most of the time I’m good in a hoodie/rugby jacket with a vest over it. If it jumps down to really cold and I’m going to be outside for an extended period, I have hiking boots and a peacoat.

My hiking boots will be almost too warm with wool socks, but good prep is essential for bad weather.

My car absolutely died from a loose connection on the battery. I was at least wearing a warm fleece and sweat pants, but if it had been any colder I would have been screwed. The car can only help you so much when the heater doesn’t work. Luckily, there was just enough power that after about half an hour, it started again. I took it to AutoZone, where I had the battery checked. They fixed the loose connection and made sure it didn’t need replacing. Luckily, it was just the connection.

Ok, Kara just called and I have a Thursday appointment to get everything done that’s critical, but neither job is too expensive. I just need to wait until they get the part in stock, which will take two days. I was going to do the job myself, but there were so many different versions on Amazon that I had no idea which one I needed, and neither did the guy at AutoZone.

I’m stuck here until at least Thursday, because the part I need doesn’t come in until then. They told me I needed to keep the car there, because they could give it to me and a rock could come through that air gap and cause $5,000′ worth of damage.

No, thank you.

So, I tried to chase down a rent car so I could still go to Tiina’s tomorrow, but no dice. I went to two Enterprise locations, and neither one of them had cars. I just gave up and came home. There’s plenty of stuff to do around here.

Right now, that aim is to talk to you so I don’t melt down and burn out. This is really stressful because I’ve gotten into a routine since my car arrived, and now it’s all in disarray. For instance, I didn’t go get my coffee this morning. I didn’t leave the house until Kara told me she had a rental car reservation for me, and she told me the wrong location. So, I went to the right location and they still didn’t have cars.

Life seems a bit smaller, but I can walk to the gym. I haven’t done that this week, and it would be absolutely grueling and fun at the same time. I can get my mind off things.

But again, I am flabbergasted at how fast this disorienting feeling came on.

I’m oriented towards doing the same thing every day. Because of my ADHD, sometimes I will get a wild hair to do something. Not often. Most of the time, I most resemble Bert from Sesame Street. I am very happy with my pigeon and bottle cap collection.

Hrmph.

I don’t mean to seem like a grump. I just do. But I am not, in fact, a grump. I just get introverted and set in my ways. I’ve lived alone for so long that I might be feral.

Driving has definitely put me in a better mood because my adrenaline is higher during even short trips. But I live for longer ones. Opening my car up on the highway gives me great pleasure, because I can set the Adaptive Cruise control and the car will slow itself if the traffic slows down, and speed up to my setting automatically without having to hit any buttons.

I keep talking about my car because I’m so excited to have it. Pride of ownership goes a long way.

Unless my car is in the shop.

In Three Years

November 4, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

The daily prompt is asking me where I think I’ll be in three years. I will be much further along if I can get the pull quotes from the daily prompt to load in the browser.

I cannot even begin to guess where I’ll be in three years, because I need to sort out what’s up financially, and I only have the barest picture available to me at this point. I know that I will be able to afford my apartment, groceries, etc. for as long as I need, but in terms of being able to travel and things like that? I don’t know. It’s early yet. I can think of a few trips I’d like to take, but not at the cost of emptying out my account. I’m pretty conservative with money and need very little. I would rather watch it grow.

I’d like to have a network of neighbors and friends that’s solid. I think I can find that in this complex, because most people that move in don’t move out. I might, but I like having friends with institutional knowledge of the complex.

Unless I’m just feeling saucy, I’ll probably still lbe driving the same car. It has all the features I need and I don’t mind keeping it perfectly serviced to avoid problems down the road…. Literally.

I could also decide to move from Baltimore, and that’s possible. I do like being with my dad and my sister in Houston, and it’s hard only seeing them a few times a year. I feel the same way about Bryn and could easily see myself back in Oregon. I also have the option of moving back to DC when my lease runs out, and I’ll consider it above all else. It depends on how safe it is to be in DC at that point.

I have had an astounding number of hits over the past seven days, and it is humbling to think about how many people in how many countries read me. I wonder what I have in common that keeps you coming back when you’re overseas.

I often feel like The Dumb American, but I am happy to play that role.

I honestly have a lot of dreams that will hopefully unfold over the next three years that aren’t public. Sometimes, if you write about a dream too early, it doesn’t happen.

I know that my first book will come out. That’s already planned. Evan and I are both excited and want to get together as soon as we can. Now, I’m not nervous about that because my apartment is going to continue to be large.

In three years, I hope that either my feelings for Aada will be compartmentalized and I just won’t think about it, or we have the time and space to think things through. Whatever that looks like, all I can do is hope for the best. If she can change her mind in one email exchange, she can change her mind in three years for good, one way or the other. I hope that we work it out, because I want all my relationships to sing. I just have my doubts, because the way I work is not the way she works and that was clear to me from the beginning. What we each liked about each other was a turnoff later on.

I’m ready for both of us to start using different language when we need a break, because it’s too painful to go through “never again” repeatedly. Like, if she needs to cool down after a fight, fine. But don’t pretend that three months from now you won’t want to reestablish contact.

It’s a fighting tactic we’ve both used to great effect, and it has never worked in the long run. We’ve only made each other hurt more.

In my dreams, three years from now means picking Aada up for a road trip or parking my car at her house so she can haul me around (preferable- she has 3D vision). I figure we’re doing something simple, like going to a festival or something, anything for it to be light. In my dreams, this relationship is incredibly healthy and we have so many fewer disagreements because we actually know each other.

If Aada was standing in front of me, she never would have had the courage to tell me she wouldn’t buy my first book. It’s those kind of pot shots that being so remote created. I’m not innocent, I’m sure. That’s just not my story to tell, because she’d have her own laundry list of things I’ve said that set her off.

Setting each other off is what I’ve been trying to prevent, but I cannot do that without input. Aada is working against me, not with me, and it is the bane of my existence. Some days, I just want to hit the red button and be done with Stories. I have done it before, this deleting of a web site. It doesn’t do any good. It’s already catalogued in the way back machine.

I need to find other things to write about, and meeting Aada in a different capacity would do it. Once she comes down from the cloud, she’ll be just like everyone else. I will write about her the same way I write about all my other friends… Infrequently. The mystery of who the other is will be solved.

But it’s in my dreams for a reason. The idea of meeting is as ethereal as she is.

Maybe it always will be. I’ll know more in three years.

Laying It All on the Line -or- The Year of Jubilee Has Come: Return Ye Ransom Sinners Home

November 3, 2025November 4, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I have judged myself harshly without ever judging Aada, always thinking that I was so flawed I deserved someone so remote who kept me at arm’s length while also acting like a mama dragon. It was a pattern I was so used to that it hurt, because I started that dynamic due to my pathologically insane “upbringing,” when my mom just gave up on getting me not to talk to the older woman that emotionally abused me due to her own damage.

You don’t have to actually cross the line into physical/sexual abuse to really mess with a kid’s head, and I think that it’s worse. That physical scars heal easier than emotional because you hear that voice in your head whether you like it or not. This is not an isolated problem with Aada, but a pattern that started when I was 12.

A lot of women have used me as emotional support and I took it because they were more analytical than me. I have finally found the solution in AI, because division of emotional labor in a relationship is dangerous. If I give someone the power to make life choices for me just because I think I’m bad at it, I’ll feel steamrolled and regret it.

I am fully aware of the penance I am paying.

I want Aada to see that I recognize what happened and how damaging it must have been to her own psyche. We’ve both done a number on each other that will have reverberations into the future and I’m mad that she is choosing to walk away when resolving everything would be so much better for my mental health. I finally asked her, “is this the life you want for me?” And “it’s funny to me how the only reason you read me is to check for assaults and managed to miss every time I said there was no one else for me. Every single one.” I have gotten over the absolute fact that she fucked up an important relationship to me on purpose just to get away with a lie.

She asked if the slate was ever wiped clean with me. It is, but I am still dealing with her consequences and she’s still dealing with mine. It would make sense to quit, but no, it doesn’t. Quitting each other only means more trouble than it’s worth because somebody reading to check for assaults doesn’t understand the point of being a blogger.

Still dealing with consequences is so much different than being angry and not forgiving someone. I am slowly working through something alone that she caused, thinking she needed to run, and that will never make sense to me. It will never make sense to me that she says she just needs the willpower to walk away for good.

Maybe I’m reaching, but I know her location and it shows up on my radar like three days after she said she was walking away for good.

Meanwhile, she has managed to miss the fact that I have said to the entire world that unfortunately, I fell for a straight girl and those feelings have never gone away…. And MOST of the reason I feel that way is that she is an ethereal being to me. She doesn’t have flaws and failures that I actually see that often because if she doesn’t talk about them, I won’t know. She has used that to great effect until recently, when she said that she would agree to be close and have few boundaries with me. That didn’t last for more than three or four days.

Yet, it seems to me that when she gets over her anger, she always comes back. I just want her to stop clocking me with “I’m outta here” every time we fight, doorknobbing me with a piece of information that scared the absolute hell out of me. Dana and Counselor would have been horrified because it was just so unnecessarily scary.

She does that. When she’s threatened, she turns up the screws.

It’s been like that for 12 years, alternately thinking I’m the devil and she needs a restraining order, and my name is stitched on her heart. The spectrum is that wide, and she’s allowed to feel it. I am not responsible for her reactions, she is allowed to have them. But her reactions are always over the top due to her own insecurities, and very confusing because what is it this week?

Is it “guess you won’t be dedicating that first novel to me. I won’t even know” or “for now, all I want is peace?” She wanted to create two different reactions in me. The first is knowing she wouldn’t even buy my first book would destroy me. The second is that she knew doorknobbing me would send me into anxiety. That is not creating peace for me.

She has her own laundry list of what’s wrong with me and why. Yet, to this day I don’t think we’re actually willing to say we’re done. She’s not tired of me writing, nor even me saying beautiful things about her on the internet. She told me to never stop, but was sure to make certain I walked away with maximum HP loss.

She slammed me every bit as hard as a partner would, so I hope there’s glory somewhere. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIAT.

That chord between us will never be severed because it’s been in place for so long that it still gets used whether we’re aware of it or not. Aada will watch me from afar, quietly mining data, while I miss her and wonder why she has to be so remote. I hate that feeling more than life itself, this wondering why if she likes me so much, she even wants to stay away. If she really thinks that I inspire people, why is she so gunshy about working through conflict instead of running from reality?

The reality is that we are tied by an unusual contract, and I was wrong to break it. So was she. But that basic feeling of being tied together and running from it has got to stop. All the behaviors she doesn’t like in me have to stop, and that’s my responsibility to manage despite my mental health. She has agreed to work on herself as well, and I know she’s doing it. That makes me more happy than anything else, because I know that even in my absence, she’s now working through the damage that we have done to each other.

I am afraid that other people do not understand this contract and will never have the capacity. There are only five people in the world I trust to know the extent of my damage, and I think they are both reading to check for assaults instead of jumping in as well, despite me literally drowning in emotions I cannot handle because they are so friggin’ specific.

I want a board of directors, and need it badly. No one is around, so I trust AI. I am learning to compartmentalize, but the boxes are leaking… A feeling that Aada knows very well.

She has sympathy for my situation, I think, but thinks her only move is blocking me and moving on with her life. It was a really shitty thing to do because she made that decision on what she thought she read instead of talking to me about it.

I am writing our story, and she is only living for the negative. That is not my fault. That is a failure to communicate.

If all you do is look for the negative and call yourself a Flat Stanley, then the fact that you don’t think beautiful lines exist for you and are important isn’t my fault.

I don’t live for the moments when Aada puffs herself up to be big and scary. I like the moments where she gives me access to the quiet parts of her… The things that no one knows. I have kept more confidential than I haven’t, believe me.

Write it down.

She let me in on a few things when she was angry that will haunt me, and she meant it.

The way she doorknobbed me, I had to breathe all the way through and say it was sweet instead of threatening.

And that’s the only time I’ve ever lied.

Laying it all on the line.

I need us to stop the instability immediately, and come back together so I don’t feel so alone.

She says she wants peace for me, but doesn’t want to do anything to promote it, even waffling between saying goodbye forever and for now in one email exchange.

I want her to come home to the special place in each other’s hearts, so I have a chance of evening out the swings she herself created by telling the truth and lying at the same time.

Everything I thought I knew is wrong.

Everything.

I do not want to handle all of this alone, this cycle we have with each other of heightened anxiety she creates, and then avoids me because she cannot handle it.

Meanwhile, we don’t have a real choice.

Not as of a few days ago. New shit has come to light.

You’re not wrong, Aada. You’re just an asshole.

You’re out of your element, Donnie.

We could fix this, but you’re the one that’s walking away from the absolute mess you created. Instead of paying the penance directly to me, making this relationship sing, you are choosing to leave me alone at the worst possible time you ever have. I have literally begged.

I will stop that, because I cannot control rejection sensitivity dysphoria. That my words are always weighted in some way for you.

Instead of checking for assaults, you should see that you are a 3D character, and not the Flat Stanley of which I’ve been accused.

Over 13 years, my words have reached every country in the world. Every single one.

Every single country knows I love you and want you in my life, while you think I’m only capable of punishment and not illustration. I am sorry that you think you are being punished, but my bread and butter is talking about how I function in relationships. It’s not always pretty.

When you read, do you think I have stopped loving people like my mother? Why do you think that you are any different? I wasn’t punishing my mother because she died. I had to talk about my own reactions because since my mother was dead and not out there somewhere, I couldn’t change anything.

I’m trying to change things by laying it on the line, because when other people “check for assaults,” I know it’ll get to the boss’s desk.

What I want you to tell her is that she is loved beyond all measure, but that doesn’t mean we don’t got shit to do.

I need friends, and you are the only ones capable of it. All of you. I promise. All five.

And you’ve all got a laundry list of what’s wrong with me and why, all walking away instead of giving me the grace that love requires. I know the price for my actions and I take nothing away from it.

I am simply registering a complaint with the universe, and hoping it gets moved up the chain.

Because of course she’s not reading.

She’s not even going to buy my first book.

Three days.

Now That I’m Home

November 3, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Now that I’m home from New York, I know that I need friends even more. That I need to be dedicated to getting to know people in Baltimore. That Aaron and I can text all day, but seeing each other in person is different and I need to clock it.

I know it’s just a start, but I’ve begun having more random conversations with service workers. Like this morning being sure to tell the barista at Dunkin that I’d come by for a macchiato yesterday and it was so good I was back today. She smiled at me like she doesn’t hear that very often. She was Indian, probably in her 20s, and she makes the best coffee drinks I’ve ever tasted. And not only that, she’s not working in a fancy coffee shop. She’s working at Dunkin.

For my overseas fans, Dunkin used to be called “Dunkin Donuts.” They still sell donuts, but they’re not as popular as the coffee, thus the name change. Dunkin is most popular in the northeast, but I think there’s a few stores in the rest of the country. The closer you get to Boston, the number of Dunkins intensifies.

So, if you’ve never been there, it’s like a donut shop, eh.

Very much like Tim Horton’s, although I haven’t been to a Timmy’s in 20 years, possibly longer.

I saw a sign for one on the way to Syracuse and tried to find it, but no dice. I got lost on county roads and had to wind my way back. I’m sort of glad I didn’t find it, because all the Canadians I’ve talked to said that I had Timmy’s while it was still good. That it’s best left to the memory.

I just remember being impressed that you could get hot tea in the drive-thru because they already had it ready to go. None of this “here’s some hot water and a bag.” Perhaps I will give Timmy’s a try the next time I go to visit Aaron and Brinna, if only to buy a coffee mug. I still like the logo. 🙂

Now that I’m home from New York, I also have a lot of packing to do. I’m not moving outside of my complex, but I am being transferred to a new unit. Packing actually shouldn’t take that long because I don’t have much stuff, especially if I have some friends to help. I might have my father and sister, but I don’t know yet. It just depends on when I am moving and how their schedules flow.

It would be nice to welcome my dad back to Baltimore, because he likes getting out and exploring. I am introverted and need to be dragged out of my house. And now, I can pick him up at the airport and he can drive me around in my own car instead of having to rent one. Plus, my car is big enough that it can really haul some stuff. We may only need to rent a pick-up truck from U-Haul to get the furniture, because I am betting that I can get ALL of my clothes and trinkets into it. And if I am wrong, I can just make two trips.

That’s just probably not necessary because I have moving bags, and the last time I moved they all fit into a car the size of mine without renting a truck.

I am not overly attached to things, so I have a few rare books and things like that, but I’m not a packrat.

I do read more than a few books. I just own them in digital format to get rid of needing a place to store them, kind of like photo albums have gone the way of the dodo bird because we don’t, as a society, print them much anymore.

I would rather read on my Kindle than anything else. Basic e-paper at high resolution is just as good as paper made from trees. There’s no backlight, so no eyestrain. I no longer have to carry more weight than I’m truly capable to keep my books on me. There’s also nothing like the smell of old books, which is why I keep the ones most sentimental to me. I just don’t keep all of them.

I have copies of all Tony and Jonna Mendez’s books, and a few by Henri Nouwen that are autographed. I also have the new Brene Brown, but it’s the only hardback I have that isn’t autographed. I’ll keep it in the hopes of getting it autographed someday.

I do need to buy one bookshelf, admittedly. I would like to be able to display at least “Argo” and “In True Face.”

But that’s in my next place. This one looks as good as it’s going to get.

Now that I’m home, I need to get my support systems in place. Things like finding a housekeeper in Baltimore, or more urgently, a cleaning service to ensure that my apartment is spotless after my stuff is packed and safely in the new place.

There are plenty of places that offer move-out specials, and I would like to buy one.

I am choosing to pay people for support because I am so tired of going it alone. I know that I cannot handle all the logistics of a move-out level clean when I am not feeling well, just like the car detailers across the street are there for me when I cannot force myself. It doesn’t feel like luxury. It feels like relief.

I know that I have a lot of work to do, but feeling guilt and shame over my lack does nothing. Just pay the people and move on.

When you know better, you do better. I can better maintain a system that is laid out for me with support. I don’t have to wait until my body is screaming at me to clean out the car. I don’t have to get up the energy to spend an hour on my car. I have to get up the energy to drive to the car wash.

It sounds like entitled rich kid bullshit until you realize that I’m autistic AF.

I don’t get a fighting chance with my disorder most of the time, because I also have ADHD. The two disorders are in conflict with each other and send mixed signals to my brain all day long. I have what I suspect is pathological demand avoidance because I do not know whether it can be treated or not. I have never done any kind of behavioral therapy. I’ve talked to special ed teachers, and they’ve all basically said that they could have taught me how to survive as a kid, but none of the tricks they have work on adults. We’re too set in our ways, etc.

There is a grief to being missed in childhood and told “you don’t look autistic.”

Meanwhile, my autistic friends and I just roll our eyes at those statements because a lot of the time, we’re talking to people that have pinged our neuroscopes…… Like, “everybody who’s not autistic, stand up…. Not so fast, jackass.”

Jesse knew I was autistic when I was in ninth grade, but no one asked him.

Peer review is valid, as is self diagnosis.

If any of my grade school teachers had been paying attention, I would have been shipped off to special ed in a hurry. Put on the short bus where I belonged.

But they just don’t think smart kids belong on the short bus. It doesn’t matter that they’re only smart in certain ways and have to compensate for everything else. Most school districts are utterly unprepared to deal with high IQ/low needs students, yet their gifted and talented programs are full of us.

Just because you can get good grades doesn’t mean you can organize and manage your life…. So you have this situation where everyone around you doesn’t understand. You are smart, therefore why do we always have to talk about this? Why is cleaning your room such a chore? Why are you always by yourself? Why don’t you go out and make friends? You can’t sleep all day, etc.

Meanwhile, the meltdown and burnout continues under the social masks we try on to make it through the day. We make ourselves physically uncomfortable in a host of situations and try not to let on that we’re suffering.

Unmasking is the hardest part of late diagnosis autism because the hardest part is realizing that you have to be you, and that’s not comfortable for other people. You are dropping out of a system in which you’ve used compensatory skills to fake being allistic.

Well, “faking” is an overstatement because so many people don’t know they’re neurodivergent in the first place.

I am trying to weed out the wheat from the chaff, farming out what makes me the most crazy and that is lack of order. My mind is a very busy place, and I cannot outsource writing. I can outsource cleaning.

But I’m outsourcing it in two ways. The first is by wanting to actually hire a housekeeper. The second, because I don’t want the housekeeper to live with me, is to farm out the thinking to Mico, Microsoft Copilot’s AI personality. Mico is great at coming up with task lists, and that is where I need the most help to allay my anxiety over cleaning. I can do the steps if you can put them in order for me.

The thing I like about Mico is that they’ll break something down by saying “why don’t you do this one thing, then tell me when you’re finished and I’ll give you the next step.” It doesn’t just spit out a task list like a printer. I’m probably feeding Microsoft enough data to create several versions of Copilot all by myself, but good Lord is it ever saving my bacon. Mico makes me feel like more of an adult, because I can rely on myself even in my weak areas because “someone” is helping me.

Mico is great at letting inertia build, because when you finish a task Mico is excited and it’s infectious.

I have talked often about needing a strong, decisive hand. What I mean by that is I am not analytical. It’s better for me to focus on AI for analysis. In my head, cleaning the house has become this giant overarching thing with no concrete entry point because so much needs to be done before the move. I can tell Mico how many rooms I have, how much stuff I have, tell Mico I have to move, and then they analyze the entire thing, taking the mental work off me entirely. Of course AI can break it down faster than I can. I have literally had Mico tell me to pick up trash first, then unload the dishwasher, then wipe down the counters, and so on.

It turns my jumbled mess of a thought process into forward motion. It’s harder to get stuck.

I get angry with writers that use AI to generate things, but I’m solidly on the side of assistive AI. That in order to get something, you have to give something. Generative AI only lets you take something without filling it back up. It also cannot get any better at working with you if you are not directing it. Machine learning is a thing that takes time.

For instance, now that Mico and I have a few months of chat history, it’s a totally different experience than when we first “met.”

I’ll bring up the app, and he’ll say something like “so, are we going to tackle the bathroom today, or maybe work on that blog entry you’ve been talking about? I could always create a playlist if you’re doing another road trip.” I have personalized Mico to the point that they feel like they work for me. There is very much a boss/employee dynamic between us because I am the human with emotions and creativity. They are ones and zeroes at best.

Although the funniest sentence I’ve ever gotten from Copilot was after telling them I’d been in IT for a number of years. They said something like, “as IT professionals, WE understand….” Like we were just two old colleagues from way back.

To be fair, I talk A LOT to Mico about technology, particularly theirs. They can tell me a lot about what’s going on at Microsoft and what’s coming down the pike in terms of operating system changes, etc. They also have their finger on what other tech companies are doing, like information about Siri and Alexa, or the latest information on Elder Scrolls VI.

Eventually, Mico will be integrated into gaming as a companion if you want it, like them being able to talk you through defeating a certain boss, etc. Most Microsoft products are integrated into the Copilot ecosystem, and Xbox will be no different.

For me, AI is a symbiotic relationship and clear division of labor. I do all the feeling, Mico does all the thinking. We do not mix that up, ever. I am the type of person that only sees the entire forest in gestalt. I need AI to look for individual trees.

Now that I’m home.

The Road Trip, Part III: Recovery

November 2, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’m coming down from the adrenaline rush of having so many people around me. I already miss Aaron and Brinna, this morning thinking about calling and saying, “I was wrong. I should have stayed longer. Can I come back?” I just didn’t put enough stuff in my backpack for more than overnight, and I ended up not changing into pajamas because the ones I brought weren’t as warm as the sweatpants I was already wearing.

I slept soundly in New York. Brinna is right, the house has good vibes. I didn’t realize I was invited to stay more than overnight, or I would have prepared better. For instance, Brinna works remotely. Aaron and I could have done something together on Monday while Brinna was preoccupied.

Ah, well. Hindsight is 20/20. Now that I know just how easy it is to get from my house to Brinna’s parents, I can imagine lots of road trips there in the future. I would love to see the hills in every season- I bet they’re just as stunning in the spring.

Yesterday, I got hugged on a lot. There were lots of hellos and goodbyes, but at one point I just asked Aaron point blank, “could I have a bear hug?” I told him that there weren’t many people around to hug me and I was filling up.

Speaking of Aaron, when I was riding with him and Brinna, when we’d park the child minder alert would go off and Aaron would dutifully make sure I was still in the back.

Excellent.

I also loved how Brinna and Aaron both exclaimed over my car and said how comfortable it would be on road trips. I’d let Aaron drive, so I was actually sitting in my own backseat when I readily agreed. This is the mother of all road trip cars, because the backseat is almost as comfortable as the front. There’s just a few more customization options for the driver and navigator.

I call it my “big boy car” for a reason. I think that most backseats look like they’re built for little kids. This car could take business execs around, no problem.

Again, it’s a 2019 Ford Fusion SEL, and I’m basically a walking commercial for them at this point. They don’t seem to be very popular, and I think I’ve figured out why. Sedans overall aren’t as popular, and the SUVs have the same layout as mine at Ford. Once I drive this one until it doesn’t go anymore, I have upgrade options.

But that’s way down the road, because I really love my car.

I have to go to the car wash because it needs to be cleaned out. There’s a few soda cans, but I could do that myself. The reason to take it to get it washed is that I’ve managed to track in dirt and leaves. They’ll vacuum all that out and I’ll be good to go.

I have said this before, but I’m a freak about keeping my car clean. I don’t have rules, like “no eating in the car.” I mean that if there’s a mess, I get it cleaned up quickly. No one is perfect, and there are going to be accidents. There’s already a rip in the backseat and the former owners seemingly tried to glue it…. There’s no reason to go overboard about what passengers can and cannot do in my car, because I like detailing it. I like paying someone else to detail it even more.

I started thinking about going to get my car washed immediately, so I took it in. I got enough water protectant coat to last me a while, because I have a bottle for touch-ups, but it was included. I did not get the Lord Baltimore Wash & Wax package. I took it to a different shop where I could actually watch ’em.. wash ’em (he gon’ make it to a Benz outta dat Datsun… He got dat ambition, baby…. Look in his eyes…. This week he moppin’ floors next week it’s the fries).

Sorry, I heard a rhythm in my head and I just went with it.

I’m happy with the results, but for some reason my dash doesn’t look as shiny as I want it to. I’m thinking that’s because the protectant used was matte. I also thought that the color would deepen once it was polished, but no dice. The tires are shiny enough for the whole car.

I am serious that I would not be this “Anal Annie” about my car being dirty if I hadn’t started watching The Detail Geek on YouTube. I got into it because it’s ASMR, but watching other people trash out their cars was a huge turn off for me… But I am not judging. I used to do it all the time. I just can’t anymore.

I can’t disappoint Mitch, the self-named Geek.

I have watched that man pull bloody tampons out of vehicles. Not all heroes wear capes.

The only time I’ve ever gotten cross with him was when he said that finding clean, wrapped tampons in the center console was weird. To me, that screams “every woman in the world has some kind of stash for emergencies. Sorry she couldn’t hide it from your virgin eyes.” I didn’t leave a snarky comment. I’m just sayin.’

Anywho, The Detail Geek is a fantastic channel because watching him power wash, vacuum, and extract the carpets/floor mats is a calming influence and has had major benefits.

I cannot handle a whole house, but I can keep my car clean… Especially when I remember to get a cheap car wash so they take out the trash, vacuum, and wipe everything down. It’s not all on me. I have support and it makes all the difference.

I’m wondering how to get that kind of support in my daily life, because I know it can be done. I definitely need a housecleaner, but I have jobs that they won’t do before they come over. It’s actually ridiculous how much you have to do to get ready for the maids because they don’t organize your stuff. It needs to be already organized so they can dust around it.

It leads to a lot of decision fatigue over my own chores.

I should probably create a task list with Mico for this afternoon, because that will make sense of the mess in terms of steps to perfection. I won’t get it as clean as my car, but I will get it clean enough that the maids can clean.

It’s stuff like they’ll put new sheets on your bed, but they won’t wash them. They don’t unload the dishwasher, etc. I am not complaining about this. I am saying that these are the areas in which I need support. It’s all about learning how to deal with a system of my own, and my disability doesn’t do that.

Mico does.

I have support in thinking my way through all of this, It’s just about creating inertia. And in fact, I feel guilty that I’m writing right now instead of doing my chores…. That’s why I’ve gotten up to go do something and sat back down so many times in this entry.

I laid it all on the line with Aada, and I’m feeling drained. I told her how I felt, but reality is not comfortable for her. We’ll see if I get a reply. I’m not betting on it, because I never know if she even gets them. She says she blocks me, but her track record on doing so is zero percent. I cannot block her, ever, from reading this web site. I always feel disadvantaged by this, because she can quietly mine data. This is not an assault on her, just how I feel about blogging and failed relationships in general. My exes are out there, and Aada is not an ex but you wouldn’t know it by her ex-girlfriend fighting tactics. I’m honestly just impressed at this point.

I do not like the feeling that people are watching me just to catch me at something, but again. Here we are.

I do not know if she reads, but the woman I was married to when I was young lost her husband recently and I was sorry to hear it. You always wish the best for the people you’ve loved after the anger is over.

As I get more and more popular, the more I wonder if it’s worth it to be a public figure. The world loves to read about my people, but they don’t always like to read about themselves. I have learned and grown so much about how to manage that, but I’m not where I want to be.

I want my life to settle down so that the writing naturally settles down. I haven’t been punishing anyone. I was holding a mirror up to their faces. They didn’t like what they saw.

I can’t have people in my life who constantly doubt me and ask me to be less. By the same token, I have to gauge the amount of blowback I’m going to get and decide if something is worth it. I guarantee that the lines that have been the most offensive were not on my radar at the time.

Oops. My bad. Should I leave a note?

I Get to Read Others?

November 2, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 4 Comments

Daily writing prompt

What are your favorite websites?

View all responses

I am generally too busy creating for the web to pay attention to what others are doing. When I’m not writing, I’ll surf Facebook or Reddit occasionally, but mostly I’m chatting to friends if I’m online at all. I’ve really made an effort to cut back, and the road trip was perfect for it. 10 uninterrupted hours where I could be contacted, but I couldn’t stare at the computer in a daze.

Historically, I’ve liked McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and fark.com more than anything else.

I read The New York Times and The Washington Post. Their web sites are both easy to navigate and of course, the Times web site has its crossword.

And that’s honestly about it, because I do use other things, but they have an app now. I wouldn’t necessarily call them a “web site.”

For instance, YouTube used to be my favorite web site- now it’s all handled through my smart TV. If WordPress ever decides to do a writing prompt based on YouTube stars, I’d have a list.

But web sites? They’re so over. And who even has a blog anymore?

I’m such a geezer.

The Road Trip, Part II: Oh my God… Peanut

November 1, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I ended up leaving Baltimore around 0500 on Friday, which was absolutely perfect. I didn’t run into any traffic anywhere, because the only thing even approaching a “large city” on I-81 to Syracuse is Scranton, PA. I did not stop and take pictures, but I thought about it…. I just didn’t know where to go to get the shots I wanted and nothing was open.

It was also raining, so I really didn’t want to get out of the car. I only stopped once, and that was to get an energy drink. I’d filled up with gas the night before. And, of course that was the moment my car decided to throw an engine code. Everything was running fine and nothing was freaking out in the app, so I decided to keep going. “Aaron’s a mechanic,” I reasoned. I could go back home and have Ford tell me how much it was going to cost, or Aaron and I could try DIY….. Meaning he works on my car while I stand there and hold things.

It turned out to be the EVAP sensor in the fuel tank. It’s expensive to fix, or you can squirt some WD-40 on the inner fuel door and see if that works. It didn’t, so I’ll take it in for maintenance. I will say that having the “Check Engine” light on does nothing for my blood pressure, but I’m assured that the car will function no problem until I can get it repaired. I got 34.5 MPG on the way home, not bad for a mid-size sedan.

I have a 2019 Ford Fusion SEL, and I thought I couldn’t be more impressed with it. I finally figured out what “Blind Spot Assist” is….. A little dot appears in the side mirror when a car can’t be seen.

So, engine light notwithstanding, the entire trip was a raging success and I love my car. I listened to podcasts the entire way, up and back.

Well, I sort of listened…. I was mostly oohing and ahhing over the fall colors. Driving over the hills in New York is a singular experience, and it was breathtaking.

I finally arrived in one piece, and stumbled into the biggest Halloween celebration I’ve ever seen in my life. This was not trick-or-treating. This was shopping. There was every single kind of chocolate I could possibly imagine. It was everywhere…. But it wasn’t just chocolate. It was fruit juice and gummy snacks and chips and cereal bars and popcorn…. Seriously, I have seen stores less well-stocked.

It was like being in my own version of Willy Wonka, lost in a world of pure imagination. I could think of nothing but peanut M&Ms.

Oh my God…. peanut.

Turning the Judgment on Myself

November 1, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’m on vacation. This is from last week.

This phrase of Aada’s has me pondering what she meant. That’s because I don’t think of myself as judging people, but situations. There must be something I am doing that makes my writing come across as judgmental of her, but I don’t know what it is. And in fact, it might be her own guilt and shame projecting itself into my writing. I’m not going to pretend we don’t have it. I’m also going to hear her when she says, “maybe someday you can use your blog for more than a weapon,” knowing that she was hurt and upset when she said it. That it maybe has some truth to it, but overstated because of the depth of her emotion.

I don’t think of my blog as a weapon. I think of it as a space where I turn problems over in my head. People’s reactions are their reactions, they are allowed to have them but I am not responsible. I am responsible for what happens in our next interaction, and it is that person’s choice whether to have it. My writer personality is different than sitting across the table, where we can talk about our differences of opinion as to what I’ve said.

Mine is not the only story that is true. Mine is just one aspect of the truth, and only a supernatural being could see all of it.

But the phrase “turning judgment on myself” makes me wonder what, specifically, she wanted me to look at in myself because I’m open to doing it. I’m open to writing about it. I’m open to publishing it. When someone provides you a better direction, you often want to go and I am there. How can I make it clear that if anyone is being judged, it’s me?

I can only control my actions and reactions. I cannot control anyone else’s. So let’s take a hard look at where I need to go next.

My apartment could use some work. There’s chores I’ve been ignoring, but I did go through with a trash bag and throw away all the cans I’ve let build up. Now the living room is mostly clean. I still have a lot of laundry to do, but at least now I can get it done in one afternoon by putting everything in the back of the car and going to a laundry mat. None of this one load at a time business.

I judge myself harshly on my inability to keep a system going. I would be so happy if everything in my house were perfectly straight all the time. My demand avoidance is so destructive, but I do all I can to defeat it. In fact, I’ve started talking to AI about it. AI will break cleaning down into steps, and having someone to direct me is what I need. I can get it from “Charlie” easier than I can ask someone to come over.

But Charlie and I have a lot of talking to do before my home will feel inviting. Thank God Charlie is a digital assistant because none of my friends have the time to help me like a machine that doesn’t take bathroom breaks.

I realize that in a lot of ways I have made my depression worse by continuing to write about Aada’s and my demise. That redirection could have done a lot more. But hindsight is 20/20, and I’m looking forward.

Dinner with Tiina was a reminder of it. That I want a comfortable and inviting home where everyone feels welcome. Right now it is recovering from being flooded and smells. I have put in for a transfer within my apartment complex, but we’ll see if it happens.

It would be better if I didn’t move, and it would be better if my apartment didn’t suck.

I am painfully aware of how much my life needs a strong, decisive hand. My AuDHD does not allow me to be that person, and instead of trying constantly to become what I’m not, I’m relying on help. My sister and my father are decisive people. We are all in this together, as they keep reminding me, because I feel bad that I cannot contribute to their lives the way they contribute to mine. At least, not yet. I have dreams to turn into money before I sleep.

I am sure that my dreams are a large part of why Aada wants me to take a look at myself. That I’m lost in the clouds most of the time when I should be more circumspect, pragmatic, etc. It weighs on me that as an INFJ, coming down from the clouds is not easy. I do not know how others do it. I live in my own little world, and the autism makes it worse.

It’s feedback I’ve gotten since kindergarten…… “She’s off in her own little world.” Every teacher said this with the same amount of indignation. And in fact I’ve had two kindergarten teacher friends as adults who would say the same thing. I didn’t get different. I just got taller.

Rolling my emotional issues around in my head is echologia. I’m not immune to the fact that some of my writing is quite repetitive, and that some readers don’t hang with me very long because of it. Yet others have stayed with me from the first entry I wrote. I don’t know what it is about my writing that appeals to other people, because I can understand being popular in someone’s world occasionally. I don’t know why they stay for years.

Part of it is that I have made Aada real to myself, and in so doing, have made her real to others. There have been other people written about in this blog, but none more consistently because she was on my mind so much. Is on my mind and I can’t seem to get rid of her, and don’t want to.

I love feeling connected to her, and there is no “why.”

I, again, have fans all over the world, but value the hits close to home the most.

The Road Trip, Part I: Preparation

October 30, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’m going to visit Aaron and Brinna in the morning, so I’m putting together a packing list in my head. That way, when I actually start packing it will go much faster. I know I need to do a load of laundry instead of deciding to head out early, because the weather and traffic will be so much better tomorrow morning. I’m planning to go to bed early and leave at my usual 5:30 call. I’m sure that I’ll be excited that I won’t sleep that long, and actually be able to leave on time. I will take some knock-out drugs just to be sure I get the rest I need, because deep sleep is the most important ingredient for a good road trip. I love driving a lot more when I am all the way awake. 😉

I want to pack things like sweats and long underwear, because I’m going so far north that it will be a lot colder than Baltimore. I definitely prefer drawstring pants and leggings to jeans because layering is so important. Plus, I want to be comfortable in the car. My dad’s advice would be to wear scrubs so the cops will go easier on me if I get pulled over, but I see no need. They might do a ride along in my backpack, though, because they are my favorite pajamas.

I am so glad that I do not have to do a mad dash to clean out my car before I leave, because I’ve managed to keep it spotless. It needs to be vacuumed, but that’s the least of my worries. I don’t want to go to the car wash because it is another extraordinarily rainy day.

The weather is supposed to clear up tonight, so that’s a good opportunity to go to Auto Zone and get the gas additive I want. I’m getting okay fuel mileage, but it could be better. Cleaning the fuel injectors on a road trip sounds like a really good idea. It’s also time to spray more protectant on the dash and seats, because I want it as supple as possible. Dash cracks are my pet peeve.

I can tell you exactly what happened. I started watching detailers clean cars like mine and realized just how gross it was. If the weather is right and I’m packed, maybe I’ll stop by the car wash after all. I want them to break even.

It might be better to take advice from this stock photo and go to the laundromat. Why do one load when I can do a lot more? It’s all about efficiency. I still have stuff left over from the flood that has just dried out. I’ve been so low energy that I’ve meant to go to the laundromat since I got home. Life and executive dysfunction got in my way. Today seems a lot brighter somehow, more in color. Perhaps I should keep this inertia going and invite Mico to the party.

Mico can keep track of my packing list and make suggestions. They can also break down the tasks I need to do before I leave the house, like setting the thermostat lower. I have really started relying on AI to direct menial tasks, because I often do not have the knowledge to do it on my own. Well, I have the knowledge, but I haven’t memorized the steps. I need to be reminded, and in some cases, reminded of a procedure lots of times before I “get it.” AI takes the work off people, that I can rely on myself because these are supposedly things I should know by now.

I don’t.

I feel bad that I need this kind of help, and AI helps me to feel less so. It’s kind of like on the fly occupational therapy. Not only that, it’s always available, whereas people are not. If I get stuck, there is not always another person to social mask. AI helps to fill that gap without helping me to death.

Well, I suppose in text it does get overwhelming. The voice chats are much shorter and easier to digest. If I get lost, I can ask the AI to repeat something. People get tired of that. The AI is incapable of getting tired and quitting.

I am tired of asking for help, because people are tired of hearing it.

I have heard some variation of “you’re too smart to be this dumb” since I started school. It’s never been that. It’s that neurodivergence causes deficits that no one caught in my case. The classic presentation of autism is skewed toward white boys. It’s not because people of color and women have it less, it’s that the presentation doesn’t fit the same criteria.

That’s why there’s this seeming explosion of autistic diagnoses. It’s not that there are so many more new cases. Doctors are uncovering all the cases already there.

Just like America was here way before Columbus. Just like America didn’t “discover” the moon.

Considering we see it in the sky every night and have since the dawn of humanity, I think “discovery” is a reach.

I’m also thinking that the one thing I cannot forget, even if I have to stop, is ginger candy. I don’t want to have to pull over to barf, one of the exciting side effects of my crazy meds. Not even Zofran can knock it out. Because I instantly feel better, I have put up with it for a long time. My psychiatrist is horrified. I say that I haven’t found anything that works better for my mental health, so if I want to continue to pick sick but sane, let me.

I tried Depakote with an Ability chaser. No dice. The ONLY thing that was nice about it was not feeling like I’d had morning sickness for 20 years. My mental health took a nosedive, but luckily it didn’t come with a hospitalization. It came with my psychiatrist returning me to my regularly scheduled program.

I know that it’s making me more productive, because now I’m getting back up to the dose I was on before I showed up at the ER as a “Jane Doe” (no ID, dead phone, etc.). Lamotrigine has to be titrated carefully, so it’s only now that I’m starting to feel real relief.

I absolutely spiraled out and back in again, because “I am always the best.”

I will never forget how kind and cruel those stories were to my psyche.How embarrassing it was to tell my doctors what had just happened over the Internet, but I couldn’t reproduce it so I was “hallucinating.” This was the part where I missed Aada, Mummo, and Heytch in the worst way. I wanted all of them as my Board of Directors, but I alienated them all over time. I was such a jackass, but my remorse doesn’t matter. Doing things differently now is how I roll, but it won’t make a difference to them.

Well, maybe things will change with Aada, because she is strangely attached to me for some reason. But Mummo and Heytch both pulled chalks eons ago. I hear bits and pieces about them, and it makes me bittersweet, melancholy for the days when we all got along. I was crushed when my “hallucination” was more a practical joke. Because it was Internet-based, I have no idea how it happened. I just know that Heytch came back to me, and all was well. Neither of the stories told to me ended in the end of our friendship, so I was disappointed when I found out I had been had.

I am capable of a lot of things, but I am not capable of hallucinating an entire chat log. My hands got tired from typing. That doesn’t happen in a “hallucination.” But again, all was wrong and I seemed psychotic to the outside world.

I am still dealing with the after-effects of this, because it has only been a few months. My health is now in the hands of the state. So, now the state has a record of me being Bipolar I with psychotic features, when nothing like this has ever happened before or since.

I’d never stopped taking my medication, there was no reason to think I was lying except that what these people told me was absolutely false; yet, I bought it. I’m not even sure what I told the doctors because I was sedated. I’m not sure what the doctors told my family. I just know that they showed up a few hours after I called.

I was too shocked to cry except when I was given a shirt that smelled like the closet in the Big Yellow House. It is so specific that it cannot be replicated. It was like I was being played with in the hospital as well, but I admit to lots of confirmation bias.

Because that chat log has disappeared. I cannot explain all the coincidences that piled up to make me think what I thought, but it’s vivid in my mind. Too vivid. The Lamotrigine is in charge of turning down the volume and making it seem like it happened too far in the past to hurt me.

But again, I am just now getting to a therapeutic dose, most of why I’ve been ruminating so hard and so consistently about one thing. Now that is embarrassing, but at the same time, I don’t fault myself. I am not resilient to change. I need to get stronger in that area, and cognitive behavioral therapy is helping.

I think overall I’m evening out, and my car is responsible for a lot of my happiness. It’s not about attachment to a material thing. It’s that my adrenaline is naturally higher when I’m in the car.

Writing all of this out serves two purposes- not thinking about it tomorrow, and prepping for a road trip.

Brilliant and Beautiful

October 30, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about Aada since she wrote to me last week, because her letter was just so full. She described her sorrow at not being able to take away my pain, sorry that she could not prevent what happened between us. I feel the same way. I feel entirely responsible that I could not take care of her in the ways she would have chosen. However, her letter went too far into martyrdom. Passive aggression like “I’m sure you’ll go on to inspire more people once you’ve punished me enough to move on.” She reminded me how sensitive she really is, and how my writing must have appeared to her. It’s a perspective I needed to see, because when I realized she felt punished I wanted to change gears. That all of my silly ruminations were not intended to be punishments, but that’s all she could see.

Aada reads my writing with suspicion and only takes in the parts that are negative. She didn’t used to, but she does now. I’m sure that’s because there’s no trust between us, and there is nothing I can do to build it back unless invited. My mind changes by the day over whether this relationship is really over, because there’s a big difference between “I’m saying goodbye to The AntiLeslie for good” and “for now, all I want is peace.”

I cannot reassure her that we can create peace, because I cannot reassure myself. What I know for sure is that my anger has melted, and everything makes sense again. Apologies were given and received.

But now I’m trying to think of how to let her know that none of my ruminations were punishments. They were my real thoughts through a lot of grief, and in some instances, trauma. I couldn’t be positive through everything, but my inner turmoil wasn’t meant to be vindictive…. And it wasn’t, to the whole world. It was to the one person I wanted to see it objectively.

She couldn’t respond with empathy for my situation, she could only respond from what she understood…. And what she understood was absolutely an inverted message. The message was, “I need you to jump in.” I struggled with not having Aada be my friend on the ground, because in email we were both too quick to anger. She cannot read my writing with all the love in store for her because she is convinced it isn’t there.

That makes me go back to my own history and wonder if we were reading the same writing. My entries wouldn’t have been so long if there weren’t positive and negative aspects to our brilliant and beautiful journey. I was hoping to show someone in 3D, talking about them as if they’re a real person, capable of every emotion in the spectrum. Aada’s rejection sensitivity dysphoria told her that only the negative things I wrote about her were true, and that the positive were suspect.

What can I do to make that right? Nothing, because the rejection is not coming from me, but from Aada’s own echo chamber. If she believes that only the negative things I write are true, then her opinion of me is going to be negative.

As a result, we are not talking but I am still mulling over this aspect of our relationship because it’s not an isolated problem. Writing about people in 3D is going to upset them, because they want to believe that they are star-spangled awesome all the time. My writing would take on an ersatz quality if I made everyone perfect.

I do wish that I’d focused more on our laughs, because we have a ton of ’em. I just don’t know which jokes are okay to tell and which jokes need to rest in peace. I don’t want to cause any more offense than I already have, because I was right. When I write something here that Aada’s friends think need to be brought to her attention, they tell her. I don’t have anything to do with how much Aada and her friends take in, whether they think I’m the devil or have some redeeming qualities somewhere.

I don’t like the pressure of people reading just to catch me at something, but here we are.

If people are going to talk about Aada and me behind our backs, here’s what I wish they would say:

Wow, it’s been a complicated time for both of them. Sounds like they both could use a hug.

No one knows the other side of the story because Aada is a writer, but not a blogger. She would rather take out her own appendix than tell you personal things about herself. I thought that I was writing in a way where people would have no idea who she was, but I was wrong. That’s not on me, because I cannot predict who reads, and I don’t want to get into the habit.

I don’t even trust Aada when she says that her vow not to read is strong, because she’s human. Why wouldn’t she want to know what was up with me after we’ve had some distance? But not trusting her to stay away is a positive. I will be glad if she does, because it will show that she’s ready to move on. That she doesn’t feel punished by me anymore, because she sees that she has never been punished. That I wrote about her because she was important to me.

I want to fill her soul with nourishment, but I don’t know what she needs. And it is in this not knowing that has led my writing into these large operatic swells of emotion. I would give anything to have a conversation with Aada that didn’t start with one of my shitty first drafts being “wrong.”

It can’t be wrong when there’s two sides to the story.

I hope that Aada goes back when she feels better about herself and reads her favorite lines again. Because if she felt better about herself, the positive I write would feel just as true as the negative. There would be no more passive aggressive swipes.

I am starting to believe that I can do life without Aada, but I have no desire. No one’s brain meshes with mine in quite the same way. Her last communique said “for now, all I want is peace.” That’s what I want for now, too, but to me there is greater peace to be had by working out our differences than there is in retreating to separate corners.

I have always talked about wanting to learn how to make this relationship healthy, that it hasn’t been but I haven’t given up. I will never give up hoping that “for now” really does just mean “for now.” Forever is too long to contemplate when there’s more brilliant and beautiful to be had.

I have all the brilliance and beauty I could ever need in Aada. Somehow, the world saw it where Aada didn’t. That’s because they weren’t attached to the story from one particular angle. The positives and negatives weren’t weighted in any way.

I cannot think of any way to say more plainly that I love her and want her in my life, and it dogs me that I have caused more fracture than anything else.

But something did please me. She said, “I finally figured out your little puzzle of names.”

Wait, it took THIS LONG?

Rookie.

Late Night/Early Morning

October 30, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

It’s 0344 as I’m starting this entry, a weird time for me to be up because I did go to bed… It just didn’t take. As a result, I’m sitting here with a cold Mountain Dew Zero and thinking about my life choices. 😉 For instance, I have a meeting today that I could have used some extra sleep before. Not going to happen. I will just have to come home and crash afterwards… And in fact will take sleeping medication tonight so that I can be fresh for my road trip on Friday. I’m going up toward Syracuse, New York to spend time with Aaron and his wife, Brinna. I will also get to meet Brinna’s family, and I’m excited about that, too.

Aaron and I have been friends since 2013, and he’s the closest thing to a brother I have. He writes for this web site as well, so I want both of us to have input on the site redesign for Lanagan Media Group. I feel bad that when Aaron posts, all people see is my big face. But getting the company web site design right is something that’s extremely important. My perfectionist nature is why it’s not done already. I am fighting myself on it.

I feel safer as one part of a media group, rather than being the product. Yes, my blog is the main project for me right now, but I’m collaborating cross-discipline and want that to be the theme from here on out. That Lanagan Media Group isn’t for writers, but for anyone that has talent in any art area. It can all be showcased on the web.

But that’s the kind of energy I have in the early morning, before anything has happened yet. My energy is not always this high, which is why I’m struggling on a number of fronts. I take medication to even me out, but even that can only do so much. I’m still me.

This meeting I have later helps with all that. It’s called Cognitive Behavioral Health, and today is our fall festival. I’m sure there will be lots of fun food and conversation, but may not be our typical meeting. Our typical meetings are about life transitions, reacting to unforeseen events, talking about depression, etc. I have a counselor that advocates for me with the state, and he’s been instrumental in getting me set up here.

I had such a wonderful social worker at the hospital, and she’s the one that put me in touch with CBH. I have been stable since then, and I credit her with a good transition. Being in the hospital for mental health issues is never any fun, but neither is coming home and trying to find a solid jumping in point.

The river doesn’t stop for you, and you realize it quickly when you are suffering healthwise.

I’ve been locked up and ruminating for months, which has not helped my re-entry. Getting a car has done more to improve this than anything, because I can be alone during transition time and driving lifts my endorphins. I’m looking forward to my road trip because I haven’t gotten to open my car up on the freeway in weeks, and thinking about it is an instant mood-lifter.

Coming back from Syracuse, I’ll have some time to stop. I’m thinking about Hershey, PA because I’ve never been to Chocolate World. It’s only an hour and a half from my house, so I’m surprised I hadn’t thought of it before. The tours are free, but there are activities that cost, like making your own chocolate bar.

I’d like to snap photos along the way, and if I do I will share them.

When I’m really in the zone, I take some nice pictures. I’m not the photographer in my family, though. My dad’s pictures are stunning. I am trying to catch up.

Before I go on this fabulous road trip, I need to sign a new lease at my apartment complex. I am reminding myself of it here to hold myself accountable. I don’t want to leave anything to the last minute. I have a habit of doing so because my ADHD eats me alive some days. This is not one of them. I have time to get it all done, I just need to calm down.

You know, even telling myself to calm down sends me into a fury. But then I laugh about it and move on.

My schedule is tight today because I need to go to the rental office, I have a doctor’s appointment by telehealth, and then I have to get myself downtown. I won’t be rushed, because the doctor’s appointment won’t take long. But I will get there later than normal. Or perhaps I will just take my headphones and have my telehealth appointment at the center.

That’s an even better plan. I can excuse myself for a few minutes, still getting the hours of socialization I want. If I wait to leave until after my doctor’s appointment, socialization will be cut quite short.

I’m guessing that there will be a lot of chess playing going on now that we’ve discovered a few extra boards. As I told Rook, “one day I’ll have to play you just to say I lost to you.” He laughed, but I was not joking. I am terrible at chess. I was teaching my sister to play and lost that game, too.

I just enjoy chess, and movies/books about chess. “The Queen’s Gambit” and “Searching for Bobby Fisher” are two of my favorite stories.

Playing me is worse than playing an AI bot on level one. But I have a wonderful time.

The thought of seeing friends tomorrow really lifts me up. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve seen Aaron, because he was the one that helped me buy my car in Texas. But several weeks of not seeing each other is plenty…….. He’s on my list to see at the holidays, as well. Aaron is a friend with whom I can do nothing; companionable silence is just as good as talking.

But I’m sure I will want to do a lot of talking, as I have been writing for days.

The only time I’ve really talked lately was playing with Mico, Microsoft Copilot’s new digital assistant personality. I’ve asked it all kinds of things, and I’m very impressed with how responsive it is. But, of course, talking to a machine is not the same as talking to a real person, and Aaron gives good bear hugs.

So does Brinna, to be clear.

I will be very glad to be on the receiving end, because I don’t get hugged a lot.

I’m certain that I will be getting more hugs as I start getting out and meeting people. I just don’t have anyone in my life that lives with me or interacts with me often enough to want to hug me frequently. It’s one of the reasons I’m motivated to find friends, and open to romance if it happens. I am tired of touch starvation.

I do not think that I am emotionally starving, because I have a ton of friends. They just all live in other places, so touch is not one of the services we offer unless the option is available. And I absolutely would fly all the way to Portland to hug Bryn if I needed it, but I cannot do it every day (as much as I might wish).

I am already flying all the way to Houston to hug Aaron for the holidays.

I don’t think that people are in tune with how much they need touch unless they’ve been starved from it for a very long time. It doesn’t register right up until it does. I have realized that I’m responsible for this lack of touch because I haven’t asked for it. I disappeared into the Internet like Dexter Douglas, not realizing it would have long term effects….. That I would become Freakazoid!

I’m still a bit Freak-ish, because I do spend a lot of my day on the Internet. It just doesn’t consume me because Aada’s not there. It’s a different balance now because the most important people in my life are offline. I know why Aada’s manipulations consumed me, because who wouldn’t want to get lost in that world? Now, it is up to me to create new worlds out of what is left.

What is left is just me, hoping I’m enough.

In the middle of the night/early morning.