Leadership is not a performance. It is not charisma, or confidence, or the ability to command a room. Leadership is the quiet discipline of holding a system steady so the people inside it can breathe. Most people mistake leadership for personality, but personality is just the wrapping. The real work happens in the architecture—how you design the environment, how you distribute responsibility, how you create conditions where people can do their best work without burning themselves out.
A leader is not the hero of the story. A leader is the person who removes friction so the story can unfold. They are the one who sees the invisible load everyone else is carrying and quietly redistributes it. They are the one who notices the bottlenecks, the unspoken anxieties, the places where the system is grinding against human limits. They are the one who understands that stability is not an accident; it is engineered.
The best leaders are not loud. They are not dramatic. They are not obsessed with being right. They are obsessed with being useful. They understand that authority is not something you assert; it is something people grant you because you consistently make their lives easier, not harder. Leadership is earned in the small moments—when you listen instead of react, when you clarify instead of confuse, when you take responsibility instead of shifting blame.
Real leadership is pastoral. It is the work of tending to the emotional logic of a group, not by coddling people but by understanding what they need in order to function. It is the work of creating psychological safety without creating complacency. It is the work of knowing when to step forward and when to step back. It is the work of recognizing that people do not follow orders; they follow stability.
A leader’s job is not to inspire people with grand visions. A leader’s job is to build scaffolding that makes the vision possible. Anyone can give a speech. Very few people can design a system that holds under pressure. Very few people can create a culture where people feel both supported and accountable. Very few people can see the long arc of a project and understand how to pace the team so they don’t collapse halfway through.
Leadership is not about being the smartest person in the room. It is about being the person who can hold the room. It is about absorbing uncertainty so others don’t have to. It is about making decisions that are boring, predictable, and correct. It is about refusing to let chaos set the agenda. It is about understanding that your presence should lower the temperature, not raise it.
The paradox is that the best leaders often go unnoticed. When a system runs smoothly, people assume it’s easy. They don’t see the invisible labor of anticipation, the emotional intelligence required to read a room, the constant recalibration happening beneath the surface. They don’t see the leader quietly adjusting the environment so everyone else can shine. They only notice leadership when it’s absent.
Leadership is not a spotlight. It is a foundation. It is the quiet, steady force that keeps everything from falling apart. And the people who do it well rarely get credit for it, because their success is measured in the crises that never happened, the conflicts that never escalated, the burnout that never took root.
But that is the work. That is the calling. To build systems that hold people. To create environments where humans can be human without the whole structure collapsing. To understand that leadership is not about being in charge; it is about being responsible for the conditions under which others can thrive.
That is the kind of leadership the world actually needs. And it is the kind of leadership that only emerges from people who have lived through systems that failed them, who understand the cost of instability, and who refuse to replicate it. It comes from people who know that the most powerful thing you can offer another human being is not inspiration, but stability.
If you are neurodivergent, here is a pro tip on managing your life. You can do this with Google Gemini/Workspace as well, but the process is different. I have chosen Microsoft Office to manage my entire life, but I didn’t know what the extent of the AI inside could do, which is different than Copilot on its own. Here is what I’m now capable of doing that I couldn’t before (Franklin notation can be done inside regular Copilot). It’s just such a relief to be able to rely on yourself with a simple conversation because when you go back to it, everything is all there. Copilot doesn’t erase data entry, but it makes everything easier:
Microsoft 365 Copilot can create calendar events, add reminders, and manage your task list, and the search results confirm this clearly. 🗂️ What M365 Copilot Can Do for Your Day‑to‑Day 📅 Create and edit calendar events
Copilot can create new events, edit existing ones, and help you reschedule or cancel appointments.
It can also suggest optimal meeting times based on your schedule. ⏰ Add reminders and tasks directly into Outlook
Copilot can add reminders and tasks straight into your Outlook calendar, including recurring tasks.
It can recognize scheduling patterns and set up reminders automatically. 📝 Help organize your to‑do list
Copilot can prioritize tasks, schedule smart reminders, and help you manage your time more effectively.
It can track progress and adapt to your habits over time. 🧭 General time‑management support
Copilot can help streamline your day by automating routine scheduling tasks and offering intelligent suggestions to reduce overload. 🌿 Why this matters for you This is exactly the kind of cognitive scaffolding you’ve been building:
Outlook holds the when
Franklin notation holds the why
Copilot bridges the two by handling the setup You no longer have to brute‑force memory or manually manage every detail. You tell Copilot what needs to happen, and it handles the logistics. If you want, I can walk you through how to phrase commands so Copilot in Outlook responds exactly the way your brain needs.
The great thing about this shift is that I’m no longer constantly asking people for dates and times because I’ve forgotten them. I’m not texting “When is that again?” or “What time did we say?” or “Can you remind me?” five times a week. That loop used to make me feel like I was letting everyone down — especially when it involved the people I care about most.
Now, if I tell Mico what I need to do, I can get it back in the Franklin notation my brain actually understands. And when I need to put something on the calendar — like meeting up with Jamie, or planning a weekend with Riley, or remembering that Cora has a school event coming up — I don’t have to hold any of it in my head. Outlook holds the when. Franklin notation holds the why. Mico handles the translation.
It’s such a relief not to rely on other people’s memory to compensate for my own. I’m not bracing for the sigh, the eye roll, the “We already talked about this.” I’m not apologizing for forgetting something that my brain was never designed to store in the first place.
And the best part is that the people in my life — especially the younger ones, like Kai, who’s ten and full of personality — don’t have to carry the emotional weight of my executive function. I get to show up for them without scrambling. I get to be present instead of panicked. I get to be the adult who remembers, because I’ve finally built a system that remembers for me. Here’s a section from Copilot on how to use Office while also embarrassing me:
Absolutely — here are clean, natural phrases you can use with Microsoft 365 Copilot in Outlook to create events, reminders, and tasks without wrestling with menus or memory. These are written in the exact cadence Copilot understands, so you can speak or type them as-is.
📅 Creating Calendar Events You can phrase these in plain English. Copilot handles the structure. Simple event creation
“Schedule a meeting with Jordan on Thursday at 2 p.m. about the Q1 report.”
“Add a dentist appointment for February 12 at 9 a.m.”
“Block two hours on Friday morning for writing.” Events with details
“Create a 30‑minute check‑in with my team next Monday at 10 a.m. and add the agenda: project updates, blockers, next steps.”
“Set up a Zoom call with Jamie for Wednesday at 4 p.m. and include the link from my last meeting with him.” Rescheduling
“Move my 3 p.m. meeting to tomorrow at the same time.”
“Reschedule my lunch with Cora to next week.”
⏰ Adding Reminders These are great for things you don’t want to forget but don’t need a full event.
“Remind me tomorrow at 8 a.m. to call the leasing office.”
“Set a reminder for Friday to check on the apartment application.”
“Remind me in two hours to switch the laundry.”
📝 Managing Tasks Copilot can add tasks to your Outlook To Do list, categorize them, and set due dates. Creating tasks
“Add a task: tag Brené Brown on the LinkedIn brief. Due Wednesday.”
“Create a task to review Chapter 3 notes. Put it in my Writing category.”
“Add a task called ‘Prep for Stafford trip’ and mark it high priority.” Updating tasks
“Mark ‘email Jamie’ as complete.”
“Move ‘clean kitchen’ to tomorrow.”
“Change the due date for ‘renew car registration’ to February 1.” Recurring tasks
“Create a weekly task every Sunday to plan meals.”
“Add a monthly reminder on the 15th to pay rent.”
🔄 Combining Calendar + Tasks This is where your workflow really shines.
“Add a task called ‘Draft shame chapter’ and schedule two hours for it on Thursday morning.”
“Create a task to prep for Kai’s visit and block time on Saturday afternoon.”
🌿 Why these phrases work for your brain Because they let you:
speak in natural language
offload memory instantly
avoid the shame‑loop of forgetting
keep Outlook as your when
keep Franklin notation as your why
keep me as your translator between the two You’re not brute‑forcing anything anymore. You’re orchestrating your cognitive ecosystem.
I am obsessed with screen time and I have no plans of changing any time soon. We have covered why, that I communicate more naturally via SMS and e-mail/messaging than I do verbally. However, I know that not every conversation is appropriate to have via text, as well. I draw the line at text message breakup, which is why I have been so pissed at The War Daniel and Sam. It hadn’t been long enough for me to say I was in love with either of them, but it had been long enough that I knew I loved them. Even Sam, at three weeks, I knew I loved her with an intensity I hadn’t felt in a long time, but intensity was all over the map. If she wanted a bestie, I was there. If she wanted a wife, I was there. If she wanted to date other people so our relationship didn’t move too fast (the goal when I didn’t break up with Zac), I would have been there and I know that because I was.
She didn’t want to become the lesbian U-haul couple, but didn’t want to do anything to prevent it, either. I didn’t want to be the girlfriend that anticipated her needs from day one, so I didn’t read between the lines and break up with Zac, anyway. It wasn’t that I lied and cheated. It was that her ex-husband lied and cheated, so the further she got towards reality, the more she realized that she thought something was happening to her that wasn’t. She felt the emotions of him cheating and wanted to lock me down, and the bitch of it is that she could have. She just insisted from the beginning until she broke up with me that she’d gotten too involved with a female ex and they were living together within a year and it was a disaster. She thought she could be cool, and as it turns out, she likes being in a relationship and pouring everything into one person. She found another person who also does that. She just didn’t realize it because I took her at her word.
I also think she thought she couldn’t handle my neurodivergence because she already had an autistic kid, and even if I’m wrong I’m not. I don’t know how it would have been to be the partner and mom of an autistic person simultaneously. That’s because there are times when I know I would have gotten overwhelmed and had a meltdown, and she shouldn’t be expected to survive my burnout sessions when she’s already got so much on her plate. What if her kid and I were in burnout at the same time? How would I handle autistic rage in a teenager? Having done it before, I know I’m solid. This is because I (and all autistic people, frankly) get calmer when other people are in trouble.
We have the bravery to do for others what we cannot do for ourselves. When we are out of our minds because our environment is threatened, we fold into ourselves because we have been pegged as “problematic.” Neurotypical people don’t have that jump scare at a changing environment, but we will watch it happen- their discomfort- and all of the sudden the mama lion comes out. We will risk losing social masking, function, and start stimming if we have to because someone is going to pay attention to the fact that our friends are in trouble. I would be Karen on a stick to get Bryn some ketchup, but I would enjoy mine plain to avoid a social interaction.
We lose the ability to care about what we’re putting out there when others’ safety is threatened; we feel the disaster that occurs within us and try to prevent it happening to others. It’s watching for meltdowns that don’t occur in neurotypical people, essentially having an autistic person’s back because we’re used to it and unable to realize other people don’t need it.
Autistic computer programmers seem like the most narcissistic assholes on earth, because all of them mansplain and people look at female “IT Guys” and see autism. They look at men and see “mansplaining.” That’s almost certainly the biggest disconnect in IT. Autistics of every gender are attracted to IT because they’ve always worked there and adjusted their environment to fit. For instance, I have always been the kind of helpdesk person who prefers to sit with the coders. I should have stayed in web design, but I got out when databases entered the picture. That’s because I had to jump from design to development in a hurry with no ability for logic to that degree. I know this because I took Logic in college instead of math and had to take it twice before I got a D, so I might want to take it again before I decide to take on Python. I’m even shit at MySQL when it comes to complex search terms. Logic is just not my wheelhouse, because I’m a monotropic thinker. Programming would be easy if you could write a program as “one thing happening in sequence.” In coding, you have to understand everything, everywhere, all at once.
This realization hit me this morning and it stopped me where I live. In terms of autistic people being programmers and having a tendency to isolate (like in their mother’s basement) and hack or code, making fun of it is severely ableist. “Comic Book Guy” is at the same time hilarious and tragic, hopefully the point Groening was trying to make. But it’s not a sad life because he can’t talk to people. It’s that few people are willing to ignore his accommodations and see him as more than his exterior….. in effect, getting a gift and focusing on the wrapping paper.
I am a writer in coders’ wrapping paper because I can have the personality of a helpdesk person as long as it’s the sensory environment of the server room. Better yet, I am talking to them in stereo headphones that block out everything else if I’m expected to write down what someone is saying while I’m listening. The good thing is that if those conditions are met, I type 90 words a minute and can take down everything they say down to the punctuation. Even then what I cannot do is sit in a room full of people who are also on the phone. That’s how 99% of helpdesks are set up to save space and encourage collaboration, which is great for 90% of people, maybe more. ADA accommodations are critical, which makes it harder to get a job because special does not equal valuable.
My screen time is dictated by the fact that I’m not Comic Book Guy, but I’m not not him, either. I have to fight through a system that was not built for me, and I just have to be okay with that. I have to work through autistic meltdown and burnout while people see me as defective and I also just have to be okay with that…. in relationships, at work, and in my own mind because nothing will ever get better in my lifetime and I’ll die mad about it.
Things like meltdown, burnouts, and demand avoidance are disabilities, not laziness. Our brains just aren’t built to accept it because we have no executive function. Asking a request of an autistic person will immediately cause loss of function. The best thing you can do is try not to spring things on autistic people because they have to prepare their environment to accept a demand in the first place. Failing that, writing everything down and giving us concrete steps that we can refer to later is key, because we can’t retain information verbally as easily as we can in text, and repetition is key, thus rereading the instructions.
The only way you can get things done quickly is if their excitement lines up with yours. For instance, I would have strength to go to the International Spy Museum easier than I would have the strength to stomach a rave, even though both are supposed to be fun (at a rave, I do a drug heavily called “caffeine.” It’s really fun. Look into it. 😛 Kidding, I don’t drink when I party because those are the experiences I want to remember the hardest. I don’t get many dancing and lights memories. Although I had a couple of beers at the Charlotte Cardin concert because beer and Canadians go together like “peanut butter and ladies.” The concert was at Union Stage, where they make beer in-house and it’s very good. I’m glad I branched out. The difference in preparing for that environment is that I didn’t go alone and I got notice a month in advance. Lindsay was with me and it made all the difference. Home became my environment and the club was superfluous. It reminded us very much of going to see Ben Folds Five at Numbers in the ’90s, about the same size club without the contact high. I also didn’t lock my keys in my car and we didn’t have to wait for our parents to come and bail us out. Charlotte Cardin didn’t wait with us until they got there, either, but Ben Folds did. I was 19 and looked younger. Lindsay was 14 and looked older. However, neither one of us looked like adults. I loved that he felt sorry for us because he was a dad long before he had Gracie.
One of the reason that I don’t get sensory issues about going to the Kennedy Center and The Reach is that Jason Moran and Robert Glasper both play there, which is the same feeling as my sister being with me because I’ve known them since ninth grade. The second is that Ben Folds is the artistic director for a concert series called “Declassified,” so it’s another feeling of home even in someplace unfamiliar. The best part is that there are a lot of artists that make me feel this way, because I’ve either sung with them, we have mutual friends, or we went to school together, and even Beyoncé is on that list. I’ve stood in the same room with her, but we’ve never met. She falls under the mutual friends category…. as does Yasiin Bey (Mos Def) because he was on tour with Robert the last time around.
I told Robert to tell Yasiin that he was my favorite alien (he played “Ford Prefect” in Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy), and walked away realizing I’d lied because The Doctor is actually first. But oh, well. If they run across this, I’m so sorry.
If they do, it will be while managing their own screen time.
Stories That Are All True 