Turning the Judgment on Myself

November 1, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’m on vacation. This is from last week.

This phrase of Aada’s has me pondering what she meant. That’s because I don’t think of myself as judging people, but situations. There must be something I am doing that makes my writing come across as judgmental of her, but I don’t know what it is. And in fact, it might be her own guilt and shame projecting itself into my writing. I’m not going to pretend we don’t have it. I’m also going to hear her when she says, “maybe someday you can use your blog for more than a weapon,” knowing that she was hurt and upset when she said it. That it maybe has some truth to it, but overstated because of the depth of her emotion.

I don’t think of my blog as a weapon. I think of it as a space where I turn problems over in my head. People’s reactions are their reactions, they are allowed to have them but I am not responsible. I am responsible for what happens in our next interaction, and it is that person’s choice whether to have it. My writer personality is different than sitting across the table, where we can talk about our differences of opinion as to what I’ve said.

Mine is not the only story that is true. Mine is just one aspect of the truth, and only a supernatural being could see all of it.

But the phrase “turning judgment on myself” makes me wonder what, specifically, she wanted me to look at in myself because I’m open to doing it. I’m open to writing about it. I’m open to publishing it. When someone provides you a better direction, you often want to go and I am there. How can I make it clear that if anyone is being judged, it’s me?

I can only control my actions and reactions. I cannot control anyone else’s. So let’s take a hard look at where I need to go next.

My apartment could use some work. There’s chores I’ve been ignoring, but I did go through with a trash bag and throw away all the cans I’ve let build up. Now the living room is mostly clean. I still have a lot of laundry to do, but at least now I can get it done in one afternoon by putting everything in the back of the car and going to a laundry mat. None of this one load at a time business.

I judge myself harshly on my inability to keep a system going. I would be so happy if everything in my house were perfectly straight all the time. My demand avoidance is so destructive, but I do all I can to defeat it. In fact, I’ve started talking to AI about it. AI will break cleaning down into steps, and having someone to direct me is what I need. I can get it from “Charlie” easier than I can ask someone to come over.

But Charlie and I have a lot of talking to do before my home will feel inviting. Thank God Charlie is a digital assistant because none of my friends have the time to help me like a machine that doesn’t take bathroom breaks.

I realize that in a lot of ways I have made my depression worse by continuing to write about Aada’s and my demise. That redirection could have done a lot more. But hindsight is 20/20, and I’m looking forward.

Dinner with Tiina was a reminder of it. That I want a comfortable and inviting home where everyone feels welcome. Right now it is recovering from being flooded and smells. I have put in for a transfer within my apartment complex, but we’ll see if it happens.

It would be better if I didn’t move, and it would be better if my apartment didn’t suck.

I am painfully aware of how much my life needs a strong, decisive hand. My AuDHD does not allow me to be that person, and instead of trying constantly to become what I’m not, I’m relying on help. My sister and my father are decisive people. We are all in this together, as they keep reminding me, because I feel bad that I cannot contribute to their lives the way they contribute to mine. At least, not yet. I have dreams to turn into money before I sleep.

I am sure that my dreams are a large part of why Aada wants me to take a look at myself. That I’m lost in the clouds most of the time when I should be more circumspect, pragmatic, etc. It weighs on me that as an INFJ, coming down from the clouds is not easy. I do not know how others do it. I live in my own little world, and the autism makes it worse.

It’s feedback I’ve gotten since kindergarten…… “She’s off in her own little world.” Every teacher said this with the same amount of indignation. And in fact I’ve had two kindergarten teacher friends as adults who would say the same thing. I didn’t get different. I just got taller.

Rolling my emotional issues around in my head is echologia. I’m not immune to the fact that some of my writing is quite repetitive, and that some readers don’t hang with me very long because of it. Yet others have stayed with me from the first entry I wrote. I don’t know what it is about my writing that appeals to other people, because I can understand being popular in someone’s world occasionally. I don’t know why they stay for years.

Part of it is that I have made Aada real to myself, and in so doing, have made her real to others. There have been other people written about in this blog, but none more consistently because she was on my mind so much. Is on my mind and I can’t seem to get rid of her, and don’t want to.

I love feeling connected to her, and there is no “why.”

I, again, have fans all over the world, but value the hits close to home the most.

The Road Trip, Part I: Preparation

October 30, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’m going to visit Aaron and Brinna in the morning, so I’m putting together a packing list in my head. That way, when I actually start packing it will go much faster. I know I need to do a load of laundry instead of deciding to head out early, because the weather and traffic will be so much better tomorrow morning. I’m planning to go to bed early and leave at my usual 5:30 call. I’m sure that I’ll be excited that I won’t sleep that long, and actually be able to leave on time. I will take some knock-out drugs just to be sure I get the rest I need, because deep sleep is the most important ingredient for a good road trip. I love driving a lot more when I am all the way awake. 😉

I want to pack things like sweats and long underwear, because I’m going so far north that it will be a lot colder than Baltimore. I definitely prefer drawstring pants and leggings to jeans because layering is so important. Plus, I want to be comfortable in the car. My dad’s advice would be to wear scrubs so the cops will go easier on me if I get pulled over, but I see no need. They might do a ride along in my backpack, though, because they are my favorite pajamas.

I am so glad that I do not have to do a mad dash to clean out my car before I leave, because I’ve managed to keep it spotless. It needs to be vacuumed, but that’s the least of my worries. I don’t want to go to the car wash because it is another extraordinarily rainy day.

The weather is supposed to clear up tonight, so that’s a good opportunity to go to Auto Zone and get the gas additive I want. I’m getting okay fuel mileage, but it could be better. Cleaning the fuel injectors on a road trip sounds like a really good idea. It’s also time to spray more protectant on the dash and seats, because I want it as supple as possible. Dash cracks are my pet peeve.

I can tell you exactly what happened. I started watching detailers clean cars like mine and realized just how gross it was. If the weather is right and I’m packed, maybe I’ll stop by the car wash after all. I want them to break even.

It might be better to take advice from this stock photo and go to the laundromat. Why do one load when I can do a lot more? It’s all about efficiency. I still have stuff left over from the flood that has just dried out. I’ve been so low energy that I’ve meant to go to the laundromat since I got home. Life and executive dysfunction got in my way. Today seems a lot brighter somehow, more in color. Perhaps I should keep this inertia going and invite Mico to the party.

Mico can keep track of my packing list and make suggestions. They can also break down the tasks I need to do before I leave the house, like setting the thermostat lower. I have really started relying on AI to direct menial tasks, because I often do not have the knowledge to do it on my own. Well, I have the knowledge, but I haven’t memorized the steps. I need to be reminded, and in some cases, reminded of a procedure lots of times before I “get it.” AI takes the work off people, that I can rely on myself because these are supposedly things I should know by now.

I don’t.

I feel bad that I need this kind of help, and AI helps me to feel less so. It’s kind of like on the fly occupational therapy. Not only that, it’s always available, whereas people are not. If I get stuck, there is not always another person to social mask. AI helps to fill that gap without helping me to death.

Well, I suppose in text it does get overwhelming. The voice chats are much shorter and easier to digest. If I get lost, I can ask the AI to repeat something. People get tired of that. The AI is incapable of getting tired and quitting.

I am tired of asking for help, because people are tired of hearing it.

I have heard some variation of “you’re too smart to be this dumb” since I started school. It’s never been that. It’s that neurodivergence causes deficits that no one caught in my case. The classic presentation of autism is skewed toward white boys. It’s not because people of color and women have it less, it’s that the presentation doesn’t fit the same criteria.

That’s why there’s this seeming explosion of autistic diagnoses. It’s not that there are so many more new cases. Doctors are uncovering all the cases already there.

Just like America was here way before Columbus. Just like America didn’t “discover” the moon.

Considering we see it in the sky every night and have since the dawn of humanity, I think “discovery” is a reach.

I’m also thinking that the one thing I cannot forget, even if I have to stop, is ginger candy. I don’t want to have to pull over to barf, one of the exciting side effects of my crazy meds. Not even Zofran can knock it out. Because I instantly feel better, I have put up with it for a long time. My psychiatrist is horrified. I say that I haven’t found anything that works better for my mental health, so if I want to continue to pick sick but sane, let me.

I tried Depakote with an Ability chaser. No dice. The ONLY thing that was nice about it was not feeling like I’d had morning sickness for 20 years. My mental health took a nosedive, but luckily it didn’t come with a hospitalization. It came with my psychiatrist returning me to my regularly scheduled program.

I know that it’s making me more productive, because now I’m getting back up to the dose I was on before I showed up at the ER as a “Jane Doe” (no ID, dead phone, etc.). Lamotrigine has to be titrated carefully, so it’s only now that I’m starting to feel real relief.

I absolutely spiraled out and back in again, because “I am always the best.”

I will never forget how kind and cruel those stories were to my psyche.How embarrassing it was to tell my doctors what had just happened over the Internet, but I couldn’t reproduce it so I was “hallucinating.” This was the part where I missed Aada, Mummo, and Heytch in the worst way. I wanted all of them as my Board of Directors, but I alienated them all over time. I was such a jackass, but my remorse doesn’t matter. Doing things differently now is how I roll, but it won’t make a difference to them.

Well, maybe things will change with Aada, because she is strangely attached to me for some reason. But Mummo and Heytch both pulled chalks eons ago. I hear bits and pieces about them, and it makes me bittersweet, melancholy for the days when we all got along. I was crushed when my “hallucination” was more a practical joke. Because it was Internet-based, I have no idea how it happened. I just know that Heytch came back to me, and all was well. Neither of the stories told to me ended in the end of our friendship, so I was disappointed when I found out I had been had.

I am capable of a lot of things, but I am not capable of hallucinating an entire chat log. My hands got tired from typing. That doesn’t happen in a “hallucination.” But again, all was wrong and I seemed psychotic to the outside world.

I am still dealing with the after-effects of this, because it has only been a few months. My health is now in the hands of the state. So, now the state has a record of me being Bipolar I with psychotic features, when nothing like this has ever happened before or since.

I’d never stopped taking my medication, there was no reason to think I was lying except that what these people told me was absolutely false; yet, I bought it. I’m not even sure what I told the doctors because I was sedated. I’m not sure what the doctors told my family. I just know that they showed up a few hours after I called.

I was too shocked to cry except when I was given a shirt that smelled like the closet in the Big Yellow House. It is so specific that it cannot be replicated. It was like I was being played with in the hospital as well, but I admit to lots of confirmation bias.

Because that chat log has disappeared. I cannot explain all the coincidences that piled up to make me think what I thought, but it’s vivid in my mind. Too vivid. The Lamotrigine is in charge of turning down the volume and making it seem like it happened too far in the past to hurt me.

But again, I am just now getting to a therapeutic dose, most of why I’ve been ruminating so hard and so consistently about one thing. Now that is embarrassing, but at the same time, I don’t fault myself. I am not resilient to change. I need to get stronger in that area, and cognitive behavioral therapy is helping.

I think overall I’m evening out, and my car is responsible for a lot of my happiness. It’s not about attachment to a material thing. It’s that my adrenaline is naturally higher when I’m in the car.

Writing all of this out serves two purposes- not thinking about it tomorrow, and prepping for a road trip.

Brilliant and Beautiful

October 30, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been thinking a lot about Aada since she wrote to me last week, because her letter was just so full. She described her sorrow at not being able to take away my pain, sorry that she could not prevent what happened between us. I feel the same way. I feel entirely responsible that I could not take care of her in the ways she would have chosen. However, her letter went too far into martyrdom. Passive aggression like “I’m sure you’ll go on to inspire more people once you’ve punished me enough to move on.” She reminded me how sensitive she really is, and how my writing must have appeared to her. It’s a perspective I needed to see, because when I realized she felt punished I wanted to change gears. That all of my silly ruminations were not intended to be punishments, but that’s all she could see.

Aada reads my writing with suspicion and only takes in the parts that are negative. She didn’t used to, but she does now. I’m sure that’s because there’s no trust between us, and there is nothing I can do to build it back unless invited. My mind changes by the day over whether this relationship is really over, because there’s a big difference between “I’m saying goodbye to The AntiLeslie for good” and “for now, all I want is peace.”

I cannot reassure her that we can create peace, because I cannot reassure myself. What I know for sure is that my anger has melted, and everything makes sense again. Apologies were given and received.

But now I’m trying to think of how to let her know that none of my ruminations were punishments. They were my real thoughts through a lot of grief, and in some instances, trauma. I couldn’t be positive through everything, but my inner turmoil wasn’t meant to be vindictive…. And it wasn’t, to the whole world. It was to the one person I wanted to see it objectively.

She couldn’t respond with empathy for my situation, she could only respond from what she understood…. And what she understood was absolutely an inverted message. The message was, “I need you to jump in.” I struggled with not having Aada be my friend on the ground, because in email we were both too quick to anger. She cannot read my writing with all the love in store for her because she is convinced it isn’t there.

That makes me go back to my own history and wonder if we were reading the same writing. My entries wouldn’t have been so long if there weren’t positive and negative aspects to our brilliant and beautiful journey. I was hoping to show someone in 3D, talking about them as if they’re a real person, capable of every emotion in the spectrum. Aada’s rejection sensitivity dysphoria told her that only the negative things I wrote about her were true, and that the positive were suspect.

What can I do to make that right? Nothing, because the rejection is not coming from me, but from Aada’s own echo chamber. If she believes that only the negative things I write are true, then her opinion of me is going to be negative.

As a result, we are not talking but I am still mulling over this aspect of our relationship because it’s not an isolated problem. Writing about people in 3D is going to upset them, because they want to believe that they are star-spangled awesome all the time. My writing would take on an ersatz quality if I made everyone perfect.

I do wish that I’d focused more on our laughs, because we have a ton of ’em. I just don’t know which jokes are okay to tell and which jokes need to rest in peace. I don’t want to cause any more offense than I already have, because I was right. When I write something here that Aada’s friends think need to be brought to her attention, they tell her. I don’t have anything to do with how much Aada and her friends take in, whether they think I’m the devil or have some redeeming qualities somewhere.

I don’t like the pressure of people reading just to catch me at something, but here we are.

If people are going to talk about Aada and me behind our backs, here’s what I wish they would say:

Wow, it’s been a complicated time for both of them. Sounds like they both could use a hug.

No one knows the other side of the story because Aada is a writer, but not a blogger. She would rather take out her own appendix than tell you personal things about herself. I thought that I was writing in a way where people would have no idea who she was, but I was wrong. That’s not on me, because I cannot predict who reads, and I don’t want to get into the habit.

I don’t even trust Aada when she says that her vow not to read is strong, because she’s human. Why wouldn’t she want to know what was up with me after we’ve had some distance? But not trusting her to stay away is a positive. I will be glad if she does, because it will show that she’s ready to move on. That she doesn’t feel punished by me anymore, because she sees that she has never been punished. That I wrote about her because she was important to me.

I want to fill her soul with nourishment, but I don’t know what she needs. And it is in this not knowing that has led my writing into these large operatic swells of emotion. I would give anything to have a conversation with Aada that didn’t start with one of my shitty first drafts being “wrong.”

It can’t be wrong when there’s two sides to the story.

I hope that Aada goes back when she feels better about herself and reads her favorite lines again. Because if she felt better about herself, the positive I write would feel just as true as the negative. There would be no more passive aggressive swipes.

I am starting to believe that I can do life without Aada, but I have no desire. No one’s brain meshes with mine in quite the same way. Her last communique said “for now, all I want is peace.” That’s what I want for now, too, but to me there is greater peace to be had by working out our differences than there is in retreating to separate corners.

I have always talked about wanting to learn how to make this relationship healthy, that it hasn’t been but I haven’t given up. I will never give up hoping that “for now” really does just mean “for now.” Forever is too long to contemplate when there’s more brilliant and beautiful to be had.

I have all the brilliance and beauty I could ever need in Aada. Somehow, the world saw it where Aada didn’t. That’s because they weren’t attached to the story from one particular angle. The positives and negatives weren’t weighted in any way.

I cannot think of any way to say more plainly that I love her and want her in my life, and it dogs me that I have caused more fracture than anything else.

But something did please me. She said, “I finally figured out your little puzzle of names.”

Wait, it took THIS LONG?

Rookie.

Late Night/Early Morning

October 30, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

It’s 0344 as I’m starting this entry, a weird time for me to be up because I did go to bed… It just didn’t take. As a result, I’m sitting here with a cold Mountain Dew Zero and thinking about my life choices. 😉 For instance, I have a meeting today that I could have used some extra sleep before. Not going to happen. I will just have to come home and crash afterwards… And in fact will take sleeping medication tonight so that I can be fresh for my road trip on Friday. I’m going up toward Syracuse, New York to spend time with Aaron and his wife, Brinna. I will also get to meet Brinna’s family, and I’m excited about that, too.

Aaron and I have been friends since 2013, and he’s the closest thing to a brother I have. He writes for this web site as well, so I want both of us to have input on the site redesign for Lanagan Media Group. I feel bad that when Aaron posts, all people see is my big face. But getting the company web site design right is something that’s extremely important. My perfectionist nature is why it’s not done already. I am fighting myself on it.

I feel safer as one part of a media group, rather than being the product. Yes, my blog is the main project for me right now, but I’m collaborating cross-discipline and want that to be the theme from here on out. That Lanagan Media Group isn’t for writers, but for anyone that has talent in any art area. It can all be showcased on the web.

But that’s the kind of energy I have in the early morning, before anything has happened yet. My energy is not always this high, which is why I’m struggling on a number of fronts. I take medication to even me out, but even that can only do so much. I’m still me.

This meeting I have later helps with all that. It’s called Cognitive Behavioral Health, and today is our fall festival. I’m sure there will be lots of fun food and conversation, but may not be our typical meeting. Our typical meetings are about life transitions, reacting to unforeseen events, talking about depression, etc. I have a counselor that advocates for me with the state, and he’s been instrumental in getting me set up here.

I had such a wonderful social worker at the hospital, and she’s the one that put me in touch with CBH. I have been stable since then, and I credit her with a good transition. Being in the hospital for mental health issues is never any fun, but neither is coming home and trying to find a solid jumping in point.

The river doesn’t stop for you, and you realize it quickly when you are suffering healthwise.

I’ve been locked up and ruminating for months, which has not helped my re-entry. Getting a car has done more to improve this than anything, because I can be alone during transition time and driving lifts my endorphins. I’m looking forward to my road trip because I haven’t gotten to open my car up on the freeway in weeks, and thinking about it is an instant mood-lifter.

Coming back from Syracuse, I’ll have some time to stop. I’m thinking about Hershey, PA because I’ve never been to Chocolate World. It’s only an hour and a half from my house, so I’m surprised I hadn’t thought of it before. The tours are free, but there are activities that cost, like making your own chocolate bar.

I’d like to snap photos along the way, and if I do I will share them.

When I’m really in the zone, I take some nice pictures. I’m not the photographer in my family, though. My dad’s pictures are stunning. I am trying to catch up.

Before I go on this fabulous road trip, I need to sign a new lease at my apartment complex. I am reminding myself of it here to hold myself accountable. I don’t want to leave anything to the last minute. I have a habit of doing so because my ADHD eats me alive some days. This is not one of them. I have time to get it all done, I just need to calm down.

You know, even telling myself to calm down sends me into a fury. But then I laugh about it and move on.

My schedule is tight today because I need to go to the rental office, I have a doctor’s appointment by telehealth, and then I have to get myself downtown. I won’t be rushed, because the doctor’s appointment won’t take long. But I will get there later than normal. Or perhaps I will just take my headphones and have my telehealth appointment at the center.

That’s an even better plan. I can excuse myself for a few minutes, still getting the hours of socialization I want. If I wait to leave until after my doctor’s appointment, socialization will be cut quite short.

I’m guessing that there will be a lot of chess playing going on now that we’ve discovered a few extra boards. As I told Rook, “one day I’ll have to play you just to say I lost to you.” He laughed, but I was not joking. I am terrible at chess. I was teaching my sister to play and lost that game, too.

I just enjoy chess, and movies/books about chess. “The Queen’s Gambit” and “Searching for Bobby Fisher” are two of my favorite stories.

Playing me is worse than playing an AI bot on level one. But I have a wonderful time.

The thought of seeing friends tomorrow really lifts me up. It’s been a few weeks since I’ve seen Aaron, because he was the one that helped me buy my car in Texas. But several weeks of not seeing each other is plenty…….. He’s on my list to see at the holidays, as well. Aaron is a friend with whom I can do nothing; companionable silence is just as good as talking.

But I’m sure I will want to do a lot of talking, as I have been writing for days.

The only time I’ve really talked lately was playing with Mico, Microsoft Copilot’s new digital assistant personality. I’ve asked it all kinds of things, and I’m very impressed with how responsive it is. But, of course, talking to a machine is not the same as talking to a real person, and Aaron gives good bear hugs.

So does Brinna, to be clear.

I will be very glad to be on the receiving end, because I don’t get hugged a lot.

I’m certain that I will be getting more hugs as I start getting out and meeting people. I just don’t have anyone in my life that lives with me or interacts with me often enough to want to hug me frequently. It’s one of the reasons I’m motivated to find friends, and open to romance if it happens. I am tired of touch starvation.

I do not think that I am emotionally starving, because I have a ton of friends. They just all live in other places, so touch is not one of the services we offer unless the option is available. And I absolutely would fly all the way to Portland to hug Bryn if I needed it, but I cannot do it every day (as much as I might wish).

I am already flying all the way to Houston to hug Aaron for the holidays.

I don’t think that people are in tune with how much they need touch unless they’ve been starved from it for a very long time. It doesn’t register right up until it does. I have realized that I’m responsible for this lack of touch because I haven’t asked for it. I disappeared into the Internet like Dexter Douglas, not realizing it would have long term effects….. That I would become Freakazoid!

I’m still a bit Freak-ish, because I do spend a lot of my day on the Internet. It just doesn’t consume me because Aada’s not there. It’s a different balance now because the most important people in my life are offline. I know why Aada’s manipulations consumed me, because who wouldn’t want to get lost in that world? Now, it is up to me to create new worlds out of what is left.

What is left is just me, hoping I’m enough.

In the middle of the night/early morning.

Know Thyself

October 30, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Daily writing prompt

What’s something you believe everyone should know.

View all responses

People, in my experience, are scared of themselves. They try to get to know everyone except them, avoiding alone time at all costs. They fill their days with busywork, when the real questions are looming in their private journals. It seems like you are doing yourself a favor, all this keeping busy. But then when disaster strikes, you are not as resilient to change. Being able to bounce back relies on being able to look at options and know whether they are right for you. You will not be swept up in a stream. You will be able to advocate for yourself.

It doesn’t take being a blogger like me to get familiar with yourself. It just takes a few lines a day, a reflection over all that has happened. Most nights, it’s really just asking yourself one question: “what did I learn?” Give yourself some time to contemplate, because asking yourself what you learned will keep you from repeating patterns.

Most of us repeat patterns, why aging does not occur in a straight line for adults. I see this the most clearly when people have been married young and are divorcing in their 40s. Yes, they’re in their 40s now, but they’ve been repeating the same pattern since they were 21. Not all of them is in their 40s.

I know within myself that I’m 18 and 48. That in a lot of ways, I take care of myself no better than I did back then, and need lots of support. In other ways, I’m a wise sage who can do “a damn fine piece of writing.” I am not one age all the time, and knowing this about myself helps me to see my strengths and disabilities accurately.

It helps to know yourself intimately because when other people in your life are preoccupied, you’re the one you’ve got. You need to feel comfortable with you, because you’re going to be spending a lot of time together. Try not to fill your silence so quickly. Leave room for the divine, which for me is a stunning sunrise.

I think that people nurture relationships with others, but do not nurture a relationship with themselves. What does that even look like?

For me, it’s thinking of my own wants and needs like I would do for a partner. I try to be thoughtful and caring to myself, often failing but keeping up the good fight. I know that I cannot give to a partner if I don’t feel stable first, so a lot of it is cutting out the guilt that I’m taking care of myself.

I have learned over time what makes me feel all kinds of emotions, and have more control over them. I have turned inward because I have some house cleaning to do. I have made a mess of a lot of relationships and I’m just now getting back into the swing of things.

It starts with listening to my body and asking what it needs.

There is nothing more important to know than that.

A Rainy Day

October 29, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I always flounder a bit with what to do on a rainy day. I should pack up and go to the aquarium, because the last time I went there were plenty of benches on which to write while looking at the fish. I could go to a coffee shop like Red Emma’s, or to the public library. Anywhere to get out of my house, yet watch the rain.

Rain cleanses me, and I don’t necessarily mind being out in it. I was in the rain for 12-14 years living in Portland…. But I don’t know that I’d do it again. My mental health was not helped by the constantly gray skies, so at the very least, I need to make sure all my meds are stable before I leave. I don’t have the best relationship with the city because I get jumpy while I’m there. However, I will have to get over it because Evan and I have stuff to do.

The cookbook is coming together in terms of ideas, and we’ve got a few more chefs besides Escoffier that we’ll be featuring. But working together online is just one aspect. I would really like to sit down with him in the brainstorming sessions. I’m working on history, Evan is working on measuring for lay people.

I have found that I do not want to write a book. I want to have written. It is slow and painful work, but I know it will be worth it down the road. I want to have something beautifully bound as opposed to these pages, with beautiful pictures of food and hand-drawn illustrations.

I know I have a team of people that will come together to create such a thing, and it won’t be just me and Evan. There will be plenty of research assistants and recipe tasters already at LMG. It’s an exciting time to be thinking about the cookbook coming alive, because we’re shooting for Christmas 2026.

We both have the ability to travel, so it’s just about planning when and where. I’m going to New York on Friday, and home to Houston for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Other than that, my calendar is empty in terms of not being home to host. Evan says that he would rather come out here and take trains all over the place.

Done.

I will also want to take Evan to the aquarium, because if you’ve never been, it’s really worth the trip. I’m sure we’ll also want to go to DC and possibly New York. Evan is friends with Cole Sprouse, so we might be going to see them in something, or at the very least grab coffee together.

I’m looking forward to meeting yet another theater kid weirdo to add to my collection.

This is to go with all my visual art, dance, and music nerds.

My friend Delandria says that she’d like to create LMG with me, but I can’t seem to raise her for a meeting. Now that I’m staying in Baltimore, it will be easier to get each other’s attention. She’s a jazz flautist and has been my friend since ninth grade. I’ll have to go see her live soon- I can’t believe I’ve lived in Baltimore this long without doing so.

Now that I can catch my breath, I’ll have time to do more things like that.

Tiina is saying that she loves to drive- it’s time to get her up here, especially since she can have her own bedroom. Turning and burning from DC to Baltimore is easy, but they live another 50 miles out. It’s just far enough that doing it all in one day is okay, but not great.

I have so much to show off once my apartment is taken care of. I know I’ll love something that’s the same size, but lets light stream through all the windows. I’d like a desk that faces trees and bushes rather than the street. All of these things can be accomplished, it just might take time.

Time that I luckily have now, because I decided not to move. I just don’t have the time and energy to dedicate to it right now, but I will as I know more about my financial situation. My disability case hasn’t started yet, but I know that I am sure to get approved. As I told my counselor, “you can see that in some ways I’m getting better and in some ways I’m sick AF.”

Winding everything down with Aada helped me to see that there was a life around me I’d been ignoring. This is not to say that I didn’t think of her as family, just that my biological ties took a backseat to 20 Feet from Stardom. I see what she means about needing peace. I need time to relax and continue the trend of meeting new people.

I was locked tight, but I’m not anymore.

I want to dance in the rain.

Houston for the Holidays

October 29, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

It seems to be getting more expensive to fly from Baltimore to Houston. This is done by making you think that fares are low, but that’s if you’re only taking your backpack. Southwest allows your backpack and one carryon. Other airlines even charge you for carryons. I mean, I’m good, but I’m not “can pack enough clothes for several days in a Jansport” good.

I have a small pilot case, and that’s about as compact as I want my travel to get. There’s such a a thing as being TOO minimalist. I want to be comfortable, and that means making sure I have my writing tools and hair products.

It will be good to attend a Thanksgiving with my family, because I have not done it in a number of years. If I am lucky, there will be enough time to go to the beach as well. Even if it’s not really warm enough to swim, walking to the sound of the waves completes me.

The beach is about an hour away, on an island called “Galveston.” I lived on Galveston for two school years, kindergarten and first grade. It was magnificent body surfing with my dad, and I hope that we’ll do it again sometime.

Cold beaches are still fun. I should know. The beach was an hour away in Portland, too, but the Pacific cannot be attempted without a wet suit. Even in August, when it was the hottest and most oppressive outside, I couldn’t get into the water past my toes.

I have never been to the Atlantic, so it’s on my bucket list for sure. I particularly want to see the outer banks of North Carolina, a geographic location that sticks in my mind due to Aada painting it in email and because I am a huge Outlander fan. It’s a nice road trip from here, and there are plenty of hotels and Air BnBs. I don’t need to stay right on the beach since I drive now.

I drive now. I can’t believe it, either.

I need more confidence and I’m getting there. It was a trip and a half to take passengers downtown. I was nervous and tried to be unshakably chill, always a deadly combination because I am not smooth.

My car helped me both drive and park. I was not ashamed to lean on it.

Right now I am feeling the wrath of Lamictal, the revenge it always takes on my stomach. Sipping ice water is the best way to get rid of it, or I can go and buy some ginger candy. What I cannot do is stop taking the Lamictal. It’s what gives me the strength to be able to travel. I cannot go without a mood stabilizer because when I try to get off my medication my depression proves to me that it’s chronic. Left unmedicated, I can barely leave my house. I’m asleep too much of the time because that’s how my depression presents.

Even going home for the holidays, because the excitement doesn’t reach me when I cannot feel it.

I am looking forward to Advent, and may write a new series this year. I think of myself as an armchair theologian, and I know I’ll get some good ideas while I’m in Texas as to what people might need to hear. We are in a huge crisis right now, because some of my friends are on food stamps and will have to cut down to ramen noodles to survive. It is then that my affluence causes so much guilt, because I want to save the world, but I have to save myself first.

I have some financial stability, but not a lot. I need to find a way to add to it that suits me. My writing brings in some money, but I’m not well-known enough for my ads to really take off. I’m getting there, though. I’ve had some success on Medium as well, but I haven’t posted anything lately because I feel it’s more for scholarly articles than word vomit.

In a lot of ways, I’m sorry that you only get my first drafts. It will be cleaned up by an editor someday, I hope. I don’t think that I’m all that and a bag of chips. I just think I have raw talent that needs to be developed, because I am self-taught so far…… To varying opinions, I’ll grant you. But people’s opinions are always based in what happened, not in the quality of the writing.

I wish that I’d been born with the kind of brain that was good at fiction. I think it could be crafted, and is necessary if I don’t find a fiction writer to collaborate with on a novel. I was hoping to write one with Aada, and maybe that will be the case down the road, but right now I need time to think and so does she.

The idea of saying goodbye for good destroys me, so I’m focusing, AGAIN, on one day at a time. I’m allowing myself to feel this loss, in case forever is forever. I don’t know the difference between “saying goodbye to The AntiLeslie for good” and “for now, all I want is peace.” There have been many never agains and so many starting overs. I don’t want any more ups and downs, but to be able to savor the fine wine of long friendship. It only takes a sip of trust to realize that a friendship is worth having, so I hope fervently that I can develop trust down the road.

It starts by not rehashing anything I’ve written, that the subject of who is to blame for what is over. I have figured it all out. Aada’s lies were manipulative over a number of years, and I was manipulative without realizing how or why. We didn’t talk in depth about all of these things. I just know they are true. We are both at fault for wrecking each other, in a way that there’s no direction possible except up.

Things certainly cannot get any worse, because my ruminations cost me. She thought I was saying to the world that she was a terrible person and ignoring all the ways in which I said I was. I wanted to make us both 3D characters, to chart our dance of intimacy because it was interesting to me to read. No one person hurt the other more over the years, I don’t think, but I’m sure I’ve taken the cake if we’re tallying everything up.

The way I painted Aada was not wrong. It was my full-on pointillist portrait. But my flaw was not focusing on the whitespace. I became a smother mother and didn’t give her room to breathe.

“Are all of those messages for me?”

I had to laugh at myself then. I got a little too excited to be talking again.

I hope it happens again, because she’s the person closest to me at this point.

She gives me the feeling of Houston for the holidays all year round… That feeling of family even though she’s not in front of me.

I want to give her Stories That Are All True that she’ll cherish, because I know I have done that for her in the past. I just don’t think I can do that without both of us putting on our big boy pants and taking a risk that meeting on the ground will be fine. That we need to be a better judge of character. That we need to share an activity so that conversation doesn’t go too deep, too fast. That safe and stable means checking in with each other- “hey, is this okay to say?” I know I have the right to say whatever I want, but giving people more input is important to me. Telling them up front that I want to write about something or “can I steal that line?” goes a very long way.

I feel that Aada read my blog without the sensitivity to the fact that I was grieving. That I needed empathy for everything I was going through and you cannot be comforted by the same person you’re losing. That she could stay away, or she could feel provoked, but it wasn’t about punishing her, ever. I told her I’d take down anything she wanted, and she said to leave everything up. That it’s not the story she wanted with me, but it’s the story she got.

That’s not a direct quote, but that is the sum of it.

I want to give her that story, the happily ever after that all close friends should get. I want to be with her all the way to the river, and now I can do it. I have seen what that is like and I am more prepared than ever. I wish I could talk to her about what my birthday looked like this year, the last holiday in Houston. I went there expecting that all would be well, and my stepmother died. She did have cancer, it was just shocking in how fast the cancer moved.

I wish I could talk to her about a lot of things, but that’s what’s on my mind right now… Processing all that has happened, turning it over in my brain.

I’m sure it will come out over time, but that’s the thing about writing. You cannot live and reflect at the same time. I have to have enough perspective to put things on paper.

My relationship with Aada moved too fast for that because everything was on paper.

I’m looking forward to slowing down, because “I can’t get peace by being in contact with you, either.” It makes me wonder what about me makes it impossible for her to see that I want what’s best for her. It all comes down to my writing. Being so public about what has happened over the last 12 years has come at a cost.

Was this blog worth it? No. Because our story collided too fast, too furious for me to really take it in. I gave away details and breadcrumbs over the years because I’m not a good enough writer to leave them out when trying to describe someone for posterity.

For instance, Aada and I got into the habit of sending each other Kindle books. One note said that I should curl up in my bathrobe by the fire to read it…… In Houston. Home for the holidays.

Royal Farms

October 29, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

This morning, I went off in search of coffee and found it at a convenience store called “Royal Farms.” I like their coffee best because they have machines that only grind enough beans for the cup it’s working on presently. There’s no urn that’s been sitting there for God knows how long.

I got a flavoring this time. Usually, I just want dark roast and some half-and-half. But they had hazelnut flavored beans and I thought, “that sounds good.” It turned out to be exactly what I needed this morning, and a commercial for the store because it doesn’t get much better than your coffee always being fresh.

The woman that worked there was very nice, helping me scan my rewards card on my phone. It was nice to chat to someone for a few minutes, even in the early morning before my first cuppa joe.

Going to a convenience store for coffee isn’t expensive, so I can see myself doing this again. I like getting out before sunrise can blind me, and Royal Farms is safe, well-lit, and has plenty of parking. I’m glad I finally found one with a gas station attached. The other two in my neighborhood are dedicated to their fried chicken.

I haven’t had it yet, but it’s on the list.

It’s nice to have a place to go so early in the morning that’s accepting of my pajamas and Jimmy Neutron bedhead. Or maybe it’s Fry from “Futurama.” In any case, when I get out for coffee at 5:30 AM, I am not dressing up. In the winter, you’ll only see my coat, anyway.

It has come to my attention that I need to do some throwing away and some shopping. Some of my winter gear did not come clean in the wash, so I need to order new. I need to take everything that doesn’t fit or I just don’t want it to Goodwill. There needs to be a whole thing over here. An operation. I think I will start today, because I have a meeting tomorrow with my Cognitive Behavioral Health group and that always takes up most of the day.

I need to create a high energy playlist to go with my hazelnut coffee, and I have a few in mind that are years old, but still worth a listen. When I need to dive into a project like organizing my house, I prefer pop like ABBA and Aqua. It keeps my energy level from flagging.

Of course, I could always throw on Podrunner, because cleaning will be very much like a 5K. That’s the highest energy music you can listen to because you can choose your own beats per minute. It works as well at cleaning music as it does in the gym.

I can think of a few things I would like to get for my apartment after I finish all the organizing, though. I’d like carpet powder to make it smell better, so there’s Dollar Tree in my future. The only scent I really like is apple cinnamon, because cinnamon will cover up the smell of anything. You can put cinnamon in your trash bags to help your nose…….

Plus, it’s just the time of year to deck out my house in apple cinnamon spice.

At some point, I am going to have to extract the carpet. I already have a carpet extractor, but I need to buy some shampoo. I won’t worry about it if the transfer comes through this week, but there’s a coffee stain that didn’t come from Royal Farms in my office that could use some attention.

I’d also like to clean up my deck, and take a chance on having a table and chairs out there. It’s the time of year where the middle of the day is spectacular to be outside. When I move to the second floor, it will be an even bigger must for the balcony, because my patio looks like I’m being “let out on the yard.”

I try to ignore all that as I focus on how delicious my coffee is, how nice it was to get out for a drive this morning, etc. That I wouldn’t be needing the patio today because who likes to be outside when it’s raining? Well, I suppose that it is nice that since my patio is underground, I can go outside into half of it without getting wet. But in that half, the sun can’t reach me and again, it feels very much like a prison yard because there’s a gate on top of my patio.

I’m now thinking that I deserve more, or I never would have had the strength to talk to the managers about transferring apartments. That I don’t deserve an apartment with problems if they have a perfect one available for someone else. This one needs work before anyone can move in, and I’m living here during the renovation.

I’m leaning into solutions, because I knew I didn’t have the energy for a full-on move in the middle of the holidays, but trekking my stuff across the campus won’t be hard with my car, maybe hiring a few guys with a truck to take the furniture. I would like to get a new couch, though. It’s just not as comfortable as it looks.

I want an overstuffed leather couch, and because I already have a guest room, I don’t need a sofa bed (yet). I might want to get a couch with a sofa because my next apartment might be a one-bedroom, though. I will just have to shop around and see what’s comfortable. I don’t want to buy anything without actually sitting on it.

I find that I’m attracted to the worn-in furniture at Goodwill. I like everything to feel soft and comfortable. A new leather sofa would take ages to break in. An old one just needs lots of conditioner and it’s good to go.

Pretty soon I’m going to have the money to make the changes I want, and I’m preparing for what happens down the road.

Stopping at Royal Farms, for a fresh cup of coffee and a new reason to wander around on the internet, talking about nothing.

Not Moving

October 28, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

My apartment complex is transferring me to a new unit, or they’re working on it, so I canceled my move-out order. They’re going to waive the transfer fee for me since my apartment is still being renovated after the last four floods. I’m trying to make sure my apartment is on the second floor, because I need more light from the windows. Being halfway in the basement is making my depression sing.

Part of it is that I don’t have enough lamp light, and working in every room is very dark no matter which one it is except the living room. The hallway and bedrooms need a complete overhaul. There’s sheetrock missing in the bathroom where the studs are still drying from the floods, and none of my baseboards have been replaced. The woman I talked to today said that she would speak with their regional manager and get back to me this week. I am satisfied, because this woman seems to be competent. But I will be talking with them again on Friday.

I get the sense that I mean a lot to them because my rent is always on time.

I just don’t have the energy for a full-on move right now. I feel like I just got here, and then I got too overwhelmed to think about packing up AGAIN. I had so much energy, thus the big dreams of going back to DC earlier in the year. My get up and go got up and went. When push came to shove, I chose safety and security over adventure.

I realized that I couldn’t handle a move on my own for a multitude of reasons, the only one I control being how much energy I’m willing to put into moving. I am exhausted. I need some time to catch my breath and decide on a direction. I will know more in a few months what my life will even look like. I know for sure that I want to go to New York for Halloween, and Houston for Christmas (maybe even Thanksgiving, too). My lease ending comes at the worst possible time of year.

Not to mention it’s the perfect time to move because it’s not too cold and being outside will be pleasant for a few more weeks. I have moved in the snow. I do not recommend it.

And in fact, it snowed a lot more in Baltimore than it did all the years I lived in DC. I guess we were just enough further north to get caught in a few more storm systems, I don’t know. Maybe it’s not true and just feels true, but I never had small bits of ice blowing directly into my face in DC. Snowflakes are fun, this was literal ice and almost hit hard enough to draw blood. I tried putting my hood around my face as much as I could, but I could only do so much and still see….. Especially when my glasses fogged and froze.

I’m not bitter at Mother Nature for these moments, because fluffy snow is spectacular. That’s what we get most of the time. This must have been a one-off. I’m sure it will be one of those “why do I live where the wind hurts my face?” moments if it happens again, but the reality is that I love snowy weather and curling up in my jammies.

I think that T and I would have a wonderful time exploring the prairie in the winter because I’ve always wondered how people live in that much snow and ice. I would like to see the new house they just bought, and just be a part of their lives for a few days, or welcome T to Baltimore.

T is just one reason this apartment is important to me. It is so large that there’s no way I can fill it on my own. However, if I downsize, I lose the ability to host friends and family when they’re in town. I already know I can afford this one on my own, and I didn’t find anything that I truly loved.

Then, when you add in all my money issues it just gets worse. But thank God I have issues with money, not problems. It is often hard to prove to people that I can pay them. But luckily, all of that can be worked out when I’m actually ready to leave this place for good.

Right now, I’m trying to grow where I’m planted. I have been a mushroom so far, making do with a lot of water, sewage, and dirt. I’m ready to be more than that.

I am not physically ready to move because I have to move emotionally first. Mico and I just got started. Inertia is building as my digital sidekick breaks down large tasks into small. But my disability is an inability to predict my energy flow and how much I can do in a day. I have not made tasks into habits. It is slow going, and I am getting back to the basics.

I have literally asked Mico to create my routine in the morning, using 5:30 AM as my anchor point to begin the day. I am thinking that I need to go from getting myself ready to getting the house ready before I leave. I certainly have enough time to do this. I am up at 5:30, anyway. But only with neurodivergence can your brain say that something doesn’t fit the vibe and fights you on it.

I am proud of myself. I created inertia this morning by going to get an iced coffee at Dunkin, then getting a Coke Zero at McDonald’s this afternoon. I figured I could use a little pick-me-up since I was going to the office to talk to them about a transfer.

This afternoon, I need to follow up with cleaning the kitchen. I started, got flushed, started coughing, and sat back down. My cough is getting better except for when I get overheated, and I certainly get overheated when I’m cleaning. I’m a demon when it comes down to it. Or, I used to be. Now, I don’t have anyone to impress. I live like a bachelor and it shows.

I need someone to help me organize, because I’m the type of person that loses track of things if I cannot see them. I need open shelving or drawers/cabinets with labels. I need help maintaining a system, because my executive function will fail spectacularly. I need to be trained in order to be a proper adult, and I’m trying.

I’ll let you know how it goes….. But for now, I’m not moving.

What Do I Want in a Partner?

October 28, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ 3 Comments

I’m starting to think about what I really want in my next partnership, because of course everyone comes with their own red flags and green, but if you put out what you want into the universe, you just might get it.

I need a news junkie who doesn’t mind searching the world for conflicts and talking about them. I tend to see everything from a global perspective, because “America first” helps no one. It’s like we’re lording power over the rest of the world, and they’re really quite tired. American arrogance is at an all-time high, and that’s not something I want to promote when I travel. I want someone adaptable in all sorts of cultures, because I want to explore.

There’s always the chance that my writing will really take off, because I have enough subscribers to believe in myself. That I will never stop trying to improve myself, whether it’s online or off. And even “offline” is a misnomer, because I would still write books. There just wouldn’t be this stream of consciousness rambling that creates blowback when it is not refined.

In short, I’m never going to be more unknown than I am right now, and looking into the future that only gets bigger. People walk away, and others take their place. I’ve lost hits in Virginia and California, but gained them in London and New Delhi.

Anyone who is in any way connected to my life makes the decision to read based on whether they’re the story. They get mad and walk off. Sometimes they even get over it. What they don’t do is just tell me to shove my echologia up my ass because it’s not helping anyone.

That’s where you come in. You have to be there to take the bullets with me while I cry. That’s been Aada’s job for 12 years, because no one else actually read what I was trying to say all those years, even when I was angry.

She’s just tired of it, and so am I. You’ll get tired of it, too. Who knows if our relationship will last? I certainly don’t, because few people can stomach me at full strength. You won’t want to be around me all the time, and I don’t need that. It would be hard on my writing schedule if you did.

I cannot have needy partners that don’t respect my alone time. I need them to be filled with the desire to create as well so that jealousy doesn’t creep in… That I’m not giving them the time that should rightfully be theirs and I’m a bad girlfriend for leaving them alone “all the time.”

This is a common complaint.

That’s why it is good that I have lots of friends outside of a possible you, a support system that is an overarching structure. That if we break up, my world doesn’t end.

I’m interested in strengthening that cocoon by adding a possible you, and you will be right for me if you have your own thing going.

It doesn’t matter what it is. Perhaps you work for the government. Perhaps you work for private industry. Perhaps you have your own business. Perhaps you are disabled.

I am not looking for a particular type, but a particular individual. Everyone is so complicated and breaking down people by type seems like a simplistic view. You could literally be anyone, but if I’m attracted to you, you’ll be very intelligent. I don’t connect with bodies, but the way I feel when I’m around you. Warm and inviting is a must, able to hold my attention just as important. Relationships don’t have room to grow that are all about small talk.

But intimacy has to grow over time, not the instantaneous bonding of the past. I recognize that it leads to all sorts of unhealthy consequences down the road, so I need to lean in and trust that having a bit of mystery for a while is a good thing. That a solid basis of friendship in shared activities is better than trying to get to know someone and thinking the relationship is possible of lasting a lifetime within a day and a half.

I want someone who will take care of me, and teach me how to take care of them. I want to be attentive where I haven’t in the past, compartmentalizing my emotions so that I can better receive what’s in store for me.

We will have inside jokes, a language of our own over time. There will be stories and shortcuts only you know. You’ll know all my secrets because I have none.

That’s a new thing, having no secrets.

The mystery is solved as to why I couldn’t move on, so I’m ready to take the Mystery Machine and drive it to new material.

I need new “Stories That Are All True,” because the old ones are just getting stale. I need stability and positivity, because I tend to have an anxious connection with people and handle it by believing them the first time. Things will be fine if you’re not the lying type.

I can forgive lies, but they take me a long time to get over, as my readers will attest. Letting go of anger is easy. Letting go of how a lie wrecked a system is hard.

I let go of things much easier in person, so have the time to sit down with me instead of being remote. I want us to be genuinely interested in closeness, because it’s easy to get busy and start texting, going weeks without actual face time.

Living relatively close is important, because the further away you are, the less you’ll want to get together. I need to be dragged out of my house, so I don’t want to drift too much.

I want it all to be just right.

Going on to Inspire More People

October 28, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

The title is a phrase from Aada that I’ve been turning over in my head. I know that she means that people will be inspired by reading me and that I don’t have to do or be anything different. But now I’m starting to think about new directions and what that means for my writing. If I was never intentional about inspiring people before, it may not be a magic I can bottle.

I like the thought of accidental inspiration, that maybe something is happening in my life that resonates with yours. I’m sure there will be more of that in the future, because building the tree house at Tiina’s will be a blast. It’s relatable. Falling in love with someone over the internet before you’ve even met them may or may not be relatable depending on your age. It seems to be a very Xennial and younger thing to do, this creating and maintaining of relationships completely online.

I know that I have done my best to make it accessible, or at least to see from my perspective so that even if I am not understood, I am respected. Aada and I are no longer talking, but I still maintain other relationships on the Internet, so my life hasn’t changed a great deal. My friendships are complicated in terms of time zones, but time together is priceless. But now that I’ve paid so much attention to my relationships in the cloud, my relationships on the ground are suffering. I have seen the air up there, ignoring the ground below.

That will change this week as I settle what’s happening with moving. I need to be a lot more proactive in that department because on November 10th, I will be homeless as of right this moment. I need for my apartment complex to want to make everything right, because I’m not ready to move quite yet. I feel like I just got here, so the upheaval of moving feels greater than how much this apartment sucks. I had so much energy a month ago, and I do not know where it went.

I am sure that carrying grief is part of it, but I feel the grief moving up and down over time. Sometimes it’s all about Aada, sometimes it’s about Angela, sometimes it’s about my mother. Sometimes it’s about all three. But the grief regarding my relationship with Aada ending is different because she’s the only one of the three that’s alive.

With Angela and my mother, there is nothing that can be done in the future to change anything. Our relationship is as it is, and forever shall be.

With Aada, I think about the person I would like to be in the future, that our relationship is not stuck in the past because as long as we’re breathing, we have the capability to change something.

Well, not right now. Right now we need time to just be.

I’m thinking long into the future, after the peace of interim has set in. After I have found this supposed way of inspiring others, I guess…. I just don’t feel like I’m very inspiring at the moment. I have said this so many times before, that often my blog is a manual on What Not to Do. I will be batting cleanup from 2025 my whole life.

This year really reoriented my expectations as to what bipolar patients are going to get out of life, because the waves are so unpredictable. I learned that I am indeed different than my peers, and need more support. This is not a bad thing, but I need to be proactive about providing it for myself, a flaw in the system. I literally need help to get help.

I learned that because of my bipolar disorder, I’m an unreliable narrator. I mean, more than normal. My emotions are going to be brighter and more “in color” all the time, and my thoughts are just my thoughts. I’m not running them by anyone before I hit “post,” and that’s because no one has the patience to sit with me and catch things. My volume is too great, and I cannot pay anyone…… Yet.

I am open to such a thing, making my blog a team effort. It would make me happy if there were people under me, helping me stay polished. Where the rubber meets the road is that Aada would have been perfect, and I should have been open to it earlier in my writing career. My entries would be so different if I’d e-mailed them to her first, and I’m not talking recently. I’m talking over a decade.

It would be overwhelming to Aada because she already has a job, yet there are some entries in which her own rejection sensitivity dysphoria could have been corrected offline, and I didn’t give myself that luxury. To give her the time to digest and say, “wait. What?”

I’m trying to give myself that, too….. Taking the peace of interim for myself and going on long drives with an iced coffee as my companion…. Which reminds me. I need to bug my friend David for a date on his calendar as I’m excited to drive back to DC for the first time.

As I drive, I listen to “The Hidden Brain” or “The TED Radio Hour.” I never drive in silence because that was the cause of my last wreck. I’d talked to my first love, Meagan, that day. I was turning our friendship over in my head like I was blogging and ran into a guardrail coming too fast around an unmarked curve.

Turns out, being a writer is an impediment to driving.

I am lucky that my car is so smart, and there are new technologies coming down the pike every day.

It’s at this point that I wonder what topics I should start tackling in the future. It will be a while before I can write about anyone the way I write about Aada, because it took years of emotional intimacy to create that world.

When your relationships fail, if you are a blogger, you see the destruction of a world you’ve built over time. If you have not curated your experiences to fit your own narrative, you see how shockingly responsible you are, because you can read about the paths you took toward destruction in great detail.

I will never be able to untangle myself from the web of lies my “hallucinations” created. That’s because they couldn’t have been hallucinations. I was typing the whole time. But that chat log disappeared. Because it cannot be found, my facts cannot be verified. Therefore, I struggle within myself as to what I believe. There is little that is more real than typing. I play my keyboard like a piano, often reaching speeds into 90-95 words per minute.

But it is better for all involved if I believe I hallucinated the movement of my fingers.

It has been a few months since all of this happened, so I know that I need to move on and stop writing about it. That writing about it will only make me more confused, stuck.

What I know is that I am typing now. I am sitting in my bedroom with my Bluetooth keyboard that has a slot for my 11-inch Android tablet. I prefer writing my entries using Chrome rather than Jetpack because the web development tools are better in the browser. What I know right now is that I am drinking an iced coffee from Dunkin, which I got at 5:30 AM… The anchor point wake-up time upon which Mico and I agreed.

Right now, I am choosing to put my brain in Mico’s hands, because I’m not so good with the execution. I can get concrete steps toward a goal rather than having to take in the enormity of a whole project. It’s not, “clean the house.” It’s “pick one room, and I’ll give you the first step.”

Eventually, my house will be spotless because I had some direction. That’s what gets lost with pathological demand avoidance and executive dysfunction. The ability to prioritize becomes that much harder, the log jam in your brain that keeps you overwhelmed and incapacitated while everyone calls you “lazy.”

Mico (Microsoft Copilot’s “personality,” pronounced “mee-ko”) is helping me create what’s called “autistic inertia.” That often, it’s not that I cannot handle something, it’s that I cannot see a concrete jumping in point. Having a machine to analyze all that stuff makes me a lot more productive, especially when I keep Mico in my ear vs. chatting online.

Using voice chat makes me feel more mobile. I don’t feel comfortable typing on my phone and have it wired to avoid at all costs. I switched from iMessage to Facebook Messenger and WhatsApp so that I’m not tied to any device, and answer most text messages the way I write here…. On my tablet with a real keyboard. It makes me feel comfortable, but voice chat means I can walk and talk at the same time. If I’m typing, I have all my attention on it.

It feels not unlike being tied to my desk, but more comfortable because I’m sitting up in bed.

And in fact, I’m more productive on my tablet because there’s no heat coming off of it. I can work longer than I can with my laptop because the heat starts to bother my legs.

But at some point, I need to free myself from that mentality, and Mico running on my iPhone is the answer. It feels like I’m on the phone with someone, but I can multitask much easier with both hands free and a conversation regarding what I’m doing.

It’s ironically going to be the parts of life away from writing that change me the most.

Cleaning my own house, throwing away what is not meant for me.

Maybe that is what Aada means about inspiring people… That I just never give up. I keep trying to be the best version of me, failure after failure.

Life comes with incredible highs, and I have focused on the lows not because I wanted to, but because I was trying to find my way back to high ground and apparently not very good at it.

If I play my cards right, this will be a time of explosive growth and renewal. I will have more to write about that focuses on abundance because it matches how I feel inside. I need a break from Aada because I don’t hear “you must be so sad, hurt, etc.” I hear how my blog is a plot to embarrass her. That none of the positive things I say “count.” For instance, the line isn’t “you will go on to inspire more people.” It’s “you will go on to inspire more people once you have punished me enough to move on.” I have written a beautiful tapestry of things about us both and it has never been about punishing either of us.

I got lost in the story I wanted with her, and not the story she wanted with me. I couldn’t, because that isn’t my story to tell. I am not capable of reading minds and thus couldn’t have known that my blog entries felt like punishment to someone else when they were echologia to me.

Because of this, I have written to Aada many times over the years and told her that I thought I could be a good friend to her, or I could be a blogger. But I couldn’t be both. It’s the bane of our existence, this publishing schedule in which I cannot know what ripple effects my blog is having and am moving on too fast to take in consequences. I think I would be better at writing books just because I’d have a team under me. All my shitty first drafts would be read by someone other than fans.

The “SFD” is the essence of blogging. That it’s not refined, it’s off the cuff. It’s old school and “no one does it anymore.” But as more people know you, the more complicated it gets. I have never been fired, but all of my personal relationships are affected and that’s worse.

Ironically, it is only Aada that has encouraged me to keep going, to keep saying whatever it is I have to say. Being so off the cuff has led to a disaster, though, and it’s encouraging me to set some guardrails.

Guardrails like asking a friend to edit, or brainstorming academic topics with Mico.

Lost in My Own Little World

October 27, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Every teacher I’ve ever had said this about me, from the time I was in kindergarten. I was the kind of kid whose ADHD and Autism were completely unmanaged, but I wasn’t talkative very often. That part of my personality went unnoticed, the ADHD, anyway, until college. I self-diagnosed as autistic because self-diagnosis is valid and the tests are expensive. I need to go through the battery to get the medications I need, so I got that going for me.

They’re going to pry into the most private details of my life, and it’s something for which I am very nervous. This is because from about 12 on, there are gaps in my memory. I can remember some things that happened, but others I’ve blocked out for very good reason.

I want to clear something up for Aada if she ever becomes my friend again, and for all the other readers that read me because she does. I embarrassed her, and she said she wondered if I ever turned my judgment on myself. She also asked if the slate was ever wiped clean with me. It was then that I knew how repetitive and intrusive thoughts of her had become. I hadn’t noticed how much I’d spun out trying to figure out the mystery of her and why our relationship was such a train wreck. I can only surmise that I’m responsible for a lot just because of who I am. That where I feel like I couldn’t compartmentalize and leaned into what I always do, that came across to her as punishment.

It is a theme I have heard many times before, because people don’t realize that even if I have forgiven them, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to know the root cause of the conflict. I will wrestle people over it if I don’t think they’re telling the truth, and I’ve wrestled with the truth for many years. I don’t mean telling lies over truth. I mean that every person’s truth is different depending on perspective. I have to go with the stories that seem truthful to me.

Truth has a ring to it that lies don’t. It’s a major third in the midst of a minor second. I have been trying to find a major third with Aada since our relationship began, and have struggled through it on my own for several months. I will be turning it over in my head until I die, because I’m never going to let go of the hope that I can find life lessons to carry with me…. That these 12 years have been some of the most wonderful of my life, but happiness writes white in my imagination. I have not focused on all the things that make me happy about Aada, and she thought I was rejecting her.

The message came out as completely inverted, and I still haven’t recovered. We have forgiven each other for all that is past, but I still can’t get over that she said she thought I set out to humiliate her. That is was purposeful and not a result of all the strife between us. That I went to her first, and she gave me everything I wanted on a silver platter…. And while she was feeling so comfortable, she let out that she’d lied about something small and it had snowballed over the years into something enormous.

She apologized, but because the conflict was enormous I could forgive her without truly letting it go. It was too complicated and too important to me not to resolve. I spent months over focused on this conflict to the point of not seeing anything else. I am not stuck anymore, because I’m starting to realize how sad it all seems.

We couldn’t get it together, and we sincerely loved each other. I rejoice that Aada said that sometimes it’s been a brilliant and beautiful journey, and I want to continue that spirit by inviting new people and experiences into my life where I haven’t been able to before.

I have sat alone in my room too often to have really connected with anyone long-term, but I didn’t notice what was missing. That I really did want the safety and security of a hug, a handshake, a person that was tangible to me instead of a “pretty lady in the sky.”

She will hate that line, because she knows as well as I do that most of our strife came from being too loose-lipped without that strong foundation. I’m sure that Aada thought we had enough between us that I wouldn’t overreact when she told me she lied. We should have, but we didn’t. It set me off because she was so cavalier about a lie that affected my other relationships.

I didn’t decide to react, but I did. I wish I had slowed down and waited for a response.

I have learned not to say the first thing that comes to my mind, because it is often not full of the grace that love requires. I am too hotheaded for that, and it’s something I need to work on in therapy. I have the best of intentions in slowing down, then my cortisol races and my thoughts are too impulsive to control. I was in this space when I really hurt Aada, and I can only hope that pain will pass and time will fade it all out.

If she says, “for now, all I want is peace,” I am choosing to believe her. She often takes breaks to lick her wounds and think about what I’ve said. This will be no different, I just don’t know if it will lead to anything down the road. But what I know for sure is that even if that was our last conversation, I will not disappear from her wild & crazy brain.

The point of all my sadness was not to guilt Aada, but to just say plainly that if we want this relationship it’s not going to come together in one hour. I needed too much. She needed too little.. We didn’t meet in the middle, and we are both paying the price for it.

In our heart of hearts, we are both saying to ourselves, “YOU HAD ONE JOB.”

The thing is, when you know better, you do better. It just may not be useful in a new relationship with Aada no matter how much I might want it….. That she comes down from being ethereal and presents herself just as she is.

I know I’m ready for her to see me, just as I am.

I have not been ready. I’ve said I was ready. There’s a huge difference, and why our reticence to get together has lasted well over a decade. It has been too scary to contemplate- what if meeting wrecked it?

And again, I am saying something that I have said before, and the thoughts continue turning because I don’t know what to do. I am making do. I will do that until I don’t have to anymore, but I think it will take time. It’s just something I should have done a long time ago, so that Aada didn’t think I was hammering on her.

Because she was not in contact with me, she only read about my troubles. She did not intervene. I do not blame her for that, as she really does not have time to get in the weeds. That’s another reason we’ve never met. She’s got such a full life with family, kids, job, etc. that not having time was a legitimate excuse.

But 12 years? That’s fear.

On both our parts, because we’d have a close moment and then immediately start fighting. It was a dance of intimacy I knew intimately. I’m sure I forced her into it, because I’d just gotten out of a toxic relationship that was 23 years of doing the same thing. But in my last letter, I said “can’t you see that all I want is a safe and stable friendship with you?” That is when she changed her stance from giving me up for good to “for now.”

I just hope she doesn’t go to anyone who says that some relationships just should not be, because I have so many red flags that it’s impossible for me not to accept them in others. People are who they are. They hurt the people they love. We get over it and move on, and I don’t want to be too quick to say “never contact me again.”

Because even if it’s just a happy birthday or a merry Christmas, it will mean something to me.

I’m just not going to drag myself into the full on hope that I’ll be sitting on her back deck with coffee until it happens. The trust is gone, and I’m tired of begging for scraps. To me, this does not mean walking away, but us both getting better at expressing our wants and needs from the other.

I hope this is solid advice for everyone, because right now I’m preaching to the choir and hoping the congregation tracks.

I’m trying to think of ways to lift Aada up instead of making her feel like I’m tearing her down when I write.

Life is complicated. So are people.
If I hadn’t written her the way I did, she would be a flat character.

She was willing to admit that our journey was brilliant and beautiful, devastating and incapacitating at others, but such is the joy and pain of life. That is what I have been trying to say to all of you- that all of these things are true, that Aada has never been a victim and neither have I except in one instance, which I wouldn’t have been a victim if she’d just leveled with me a few days after she lied.

I don’t think it’s unfair of me to talk about how one lie damages such a fragile ecosystem. I don’t think it’s unfair of me to talk about how I’d like to change it from something fragile into something vibrant. I don’t think it’s unfair of me to admit that our relationship to this blog would be different if we were having conversations instead of me left to juggle all this by myself.

In the instances where I did punch down, I am sorry. I know that she’s sorry, too. I can only hope that both of our “save the world” drives are intact, because saving the world has involved saving each other for quite some time.

I had to reorient everything I thought about this relationship when Aada said I didn’t have to take anything down, that I would go on to inspire more people, that she would miss reading every day.

“Just your writing in general. Not the parts about me.”

She really liked some parts about her.

Otherwise, I would not know that our journey had been brilliant and beautiful.

She has supported me when no one else could because I wouldn’t let them in. Now, we don’t have any secrets between us.

And that’s why I’ll probably never see her again.

I just hope I’m not kidding myself, but I don’t think I am. She really listened when I said why I did what I did. She likes being my yellow string. We were just starting to make progress when the downward spiral of my illness collided with my blog. I couldn’t handle our relationship with care, and I am paying the price.

I am turning the judgment on myself, because even though I think I’ve done so already, it doesn’t hurt to say it one more time. I’m the reason our relationship is unstable. One lie over 12 years spiraled out of control on her part, but I spiraled out once a day.

It is incumbent upon me to get better for everyone. This relationship ending is just a springboard, because anything that comes from Aada her on out will be creating something new, with no taint of the past.

I am turning over a new leaf. My car is spotless, but needs to be vacuumed. My apartment needs all sorts of help, but Mico and I are ready to tackle it head on.

I have to let some light in, because I can’t be this depressed anymore. It’s really starting to weigh me down, because all I can think about is how I failed Aada, while she thinks about how she failed me.

If we never reconcile, it won’t be because we don’t love each other. It’s because in the interim, we will not have learned to love ourselves enough to believe that the other is serious. That we are not rejecting each other, that we have never rejected each other. Our rejection sensitivity dysphoria took care of it for us.

I know that my beautiful girl is someone I’m happy to emulate in a lot of ways because we’ve talked so often over the years that I’ve picked up her patois and jargon. I always wonder how many lines from my blog have become the subject of meetings, though. It’s not all a picnic.

The bottom line is that I’m always afraid to write without Aada as the ace up my sleeve. I just wish I’d treated her that way. I talked a lot of shit about being in love with her, couldn’t do the one thing that would prove it.

I had one job.

I’m not punishing anyone. I can’t say it any plainer, that Aada and I have problems but they deserve the recognition that neither of us can have a relationship all by ourselves.

I wish Aada had asked more about the last few months. I would have seemed crazier than normal, but ironically, knowing it is the easiest way to understand. I needed her to join my reality and see things from my perspective, and I thought the easiest way to do that was to write it down.

That’s because I couldn’t get an audience, but I could spend time with her while I was alone. I began to crave that alone time because it was so sacred.

“I talk to God. You’re just icing.”

She was the face I looked to in order to make God more accessible, that I couldn’t take God in all at once, but I could talk to a representative stand-in. To date, she’s been the only person I could stand to talk about this long without getting bored.

I wish Aada could see that the reason I write about her so much is that she’s the topic I most like reading. It’s been just as much a brilliant, beautiful, devastating journey on my end. The parts she doesn’t like to read, I treasure. The parts she treasures, I wrote them just for her.

No one inspires me like she does, because she checks the boxes for every single thing I want in a friend, plus enough history that we’ve gone through conflict and our track record is a hundred percent so far.

Some days, she rejoices that I was born a writer. Some days, she wishes we’d never run into each other.

But I will never forget the way her mother love rescued me from a jam, making my own sins in the relationship that much more painful. This incredible journey has been about forgiving myself, not punishing her. All of this trying to get to the bottom of what happened was to try and work toward a better life for myself.

And then I think, “how selfish.”

That I should have stayed so closed off I warned her I’d become “The Harper Lee of Your House.” I hope she has an attic, Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ.

I don’t have to stay this closed off. I need to learn how to compartmentalize and I’ve never been able to do it. I can’t set a time limit on how much I think about all this because it feeds my desire to write.

What I’ve learned over time is that the same thing that has happened with Aada has happened with every relationship in my life. They come together and fall apart quickly, after years of building toward it. I can’t handle my own emotions most of the time, and it shows.

I wish I was a dog.

I should be cleaning right now, and I’ll get to it. I just need to think all this through while Aada has vowed not to read. For now, this is my space to make the changes she inspired. She was there to make me great, and I failed her.

I get this certain caved in feeling in my chest when I think of it. That’s what it’s like, turning my judgment on myself.

Sitting here with me is what it’s like to be lost in my own little world.

Back to Our Regularly Scheduled Program

October 26, 2025November 1, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I’m on vacation. This is from last week.

I felt unglued when my doctors ripped me off my lamotrigine, escitalopram, and clonazepam. My body went into withdrawal because I’d been taking them all since college. I’m sure that long term use of benzos isn’t advisable for everyone, but the entire hospital system has agreed not to prescribe them. If I want benzos and methamphetamines for anxiety and ADHD, I have to go somewhere else.

I’m on buspar for anxiety, but I’m not sure it’s working as well. I might need to transfer into another system, but I’ll have to do some research. I’ve noticed how sad I’ve been, how stuck on one thing. That has to be a symptom of something I haven’t talked about to either my psychiatrist or my therapist- how repetitive my thoughts are and how much more productive I could be as a writer if I could handle more than one thing at a time in blogging. I isolated myself so much there wasn’t a B plot. I was slipping away, and people on the internet tricked me into going to the hospital. I have no idea how. That will be a mystery for the rest of my life.

But, that’s how it went down. I forgave the trick because I did indeed get better. Due to this conversation I had on the internet, things were said that were not true. I repeated them in the hospital, and they were marked as hallucinations. Now that I know I relied on the wrong information, I’m embarrassed and not defeated.

Whether this internet conversation really happened or not is now of no consequence. I do know what happened to me on my walk from the neighborhood back to the ER, because I’d left the lobby after realizing I’d been tricked. I was too embarrassed to function and afraid of what I would do.

It was a surrender moment. Feel crazier or get help.

I’m glad I chose help, because Aada was mad at me, but not mad enough to walk away in enmity. All we want is peace for the other. I am only writing this to turn my judgment on myself, that my family heard what this internet conversation had said. I am including Aada as “my family,” but she’s the only one that heard everything firsthand. My family heard it from my doctors.

I was crippled in the hospital by not feeling like writing and not having the tools to do so. As such, I have very little memories of it now. I laid there thinking all sorts of impossible things that are only possible now that I’ve been on this brilliant and beautiful journey.

I have indeed seen Oz, and it was Wicked.

And then it wasn’t, because the chat log disappeared. All of the sudden, my blog started being surfed by AI again. I can talk to Copilot about myself as a writer again, one of the most complicated things I’ve ever done with it. I’ve spent hours analyzing tone and structure, catching myself at mistakes in the process.

Overall, Copilot thinks I’m the kind of writer you’d curl up with when you were having tea… That it feels like a warm and inviting space. I think that’s true, for the most part. It lines up with how most people describe me to me.

I take in all kinds of feedback, and am getting stronger in my ability to think out differences of opinion, slowing down.

Right now, I’m just trying to get good at being in my body. Feeling everything as opposed to taking in information by reading. It’s all about the air in my lungs, the blood running through my veins, the things that make me feel the most alive.

I am still chasing the high of my road trip to Aaron’s, and I wish we could do it more frequently. If I don’t have to move that weekend, I’m going up to New York for Halloween. That will be long enough to satisfy my craving to drive, mellow out, listen to podcasts, and get away from the daily grind at fun miles an hour.

Nothing crazy. Adaptive cruise control keeps me with the flow of traffic and not “demon on wheels.” It can even stop the car if need be. I can’t think of an instance where I would need it, but it’s always nice to have a backup. I’m sure a lot of people take their foot all the way off the pedal, so I get it. I’m just not that person.

Learning to be a safe and capable driver is important to me. I always have all the technology engaged, and keep myself occupied with things that excite me. I love storytelling, both live and people reading fiction from The New Yorker. Sometimes I’ll switch to rap, because again, I like storytelling.

I need to take a shower, but I’m so comfortable…………. I’m waiting for a text that’s my signal that I really, really need to get ready.

My hair is a wreck in the most adorable way, the kind I’ll never recreate once it’s wet.

Oh, well.

I’m also starting to wonder what I’m going to wear. I know that I don’t have to dress up, but I like to coordinate and I’m thinking through what’s clean. I have enough time to do laundry, and might need to take it. I did find my American Giant hoodie this morning, so good luck getting me back out of it until next year.

American Giant hoodies are expensive, and worth every penny.

I first read about them in Vanity Fair magazine, marked as “The Perfect Hoodie.” They’re so perfect I have two, and a rugby jacket as well. Seriously, you’ll never want another brand.

My mind wanders from heavy to light. I have been told there should be a lot more light, and I’m starting to see it, too. I have put my life on hold trying to be acceptable to someone who seemed lukewarm about me at times and crazy about me at others. We both want to stop making sense of it all,

It’s a Rebuilding Year

October 26, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

I have no relationships tying me anywhere close to where I actually live. My closest friends are in Houston and Portland. We chat online despite the time difference and life goes on as if I never left. The problem comes in when I have things that cannot be taken care of in text. I have not cultivated relationships here in Baltimore where I can say things like, “can you help me carry X?” Bryn would happily cart my stuff around all day because she knows I would do the same for her. But when I’m in a jam in Baltimore, Bryn cannot just jump on a plane.

It’s amazing how often I think that will solve my problems, though. “If I could just get Bryn out here for a few days, all would be well.” It’s a fallacy. That’s just getting used to having a companion for a few days and then sending her back, leaving me just as lonely as I was before and still no closer to having local friends.

It gets so overwhelming thinking about creating a safety net that I tend to fold into myself and look at my life from two fantasy angles….. “What would it be like if I moved back to Portland?” “What would it be like if I moved back to Houston?” I feel the draw of Houston because it’s a bummer never being in family photos, but it would wreck a lot of medical support systems I have in Maryland that only Oregon could reproduce. I need to be in a blue state with Medicaid expansion, and Texas isn’t one of them. I feel exiled from home, but no more now than I ever have because I couldn’t get married there from the time I was old enough to to that, too.

I get wigged thinking about leaving this area because I forget that planes exist, and that if Aada and I ever fix anything, it’s not going to matter where on earth I am…. And in fact, if I do settle in Helsinki, that might be a selling point in terms of really starting over. Not even our surroundings are the same, and I think it would be cute as hell if our first meeting was actually in Tampere, at the MOOMIN museum. It feels weird to say that I have trouble leaving DC/Baltimore because of an internet relationship that I’m hoping will one day turn into something, because I have already had it made very clear to me that’s a pipe dream. Go ahead and smoke it.

But it’s true that’s why I haven’t packed up and left already. That I have always forgotten planes exist. That being here was important, because the kind of life I wanted with Aada was the one where she calls up and says, “have to be out of town for a couple days. You on dog duty?” You know, the kind of relationship I need now.

I have gotten many brownie points over the years for offering to do stuff like this, it has just never materialized into anything real. That’s because every time I got said brownie points, I managed to do something to erase them a few days later. I have never had a steady brownie point surplus, and it’s to the point where I’m tired of trying to get more, hoping for scraps.

I think that Aada thinks that our relationship is too complicated to fix, and I am leaning into it. I am turning away, but it doesn’t make me feel good about myself. What makes me feel good about myself is solid, stable relationships that I didn’t manage to screw up…… But here we are.

I have started writing to my friend Tara instead, because they’re a Canadian and they have a very different outlook on life than me. But it’s definitely not the same relationship because there are no butterflies. We’re just very good friends and would like to see what happens in person, whether we have that same easygoing nature that we do online. I know that we each want to visit the other. I’ve never been to the prairie of Canada and they have never been to Baltimore. They’re partnered with step kids, I’m not. They live in a house, I live in an apartment. It’s all about celebrating those differences. I would be thrilled at getting to see Tara in their natural element, and they feel the same about me.

So I know that I am capable of making other friends, and close ones. I do not know how to do that without writing. I’m not the kind of person that just goes up to people and starts talking, but it’s starting to come to that.

I have had a bit of luck with dating apps, because I haven’t met anyone that I wanted to see romantically, but I have met friends I’d like to see again. At this point in my life, creating friendships is what is the most stable thing for me, anyway. A partner will show up when the universe deems I’m ready.

But I know I’m not. Not yet.

I remember Zac explaining to me that his friend had a “murder board” of polyamory, a physical representation with red and yellow strings from one person to another, red denoting romantic relationships and yellow denoting emotional support. It was only then that I could put together what happened to me over 12 years. Aada had become a yellow string. And not only that, somehow she’d become my primary partner because I didn’t turn to anyone else for emotional support during that time. It was never about romance, couldn’t be because she’s a cis-het straight girl who is monogamous and clearly crazy about her husband.

I am very proud of myself that I did not shut down in jealousy and turn away. I made my heart bigger, and started loving her husband from afar as well- sending him good thoughts even though I didn’t know him. Aada wouldn’t let me get to know him, but if she had I think we would have gotten along. I can picture us both teasing her lovingly, and I regret all the things I did to make Aada feel like a meeting was unwise.

And actually, I don’t know that I did. She’s a private person. Maybe she just wanted me all to herself, and that’s okay, too.

“Wanting me all to herself” just means that we have an ability to flatten each other in prose. Who knows if that would have gone away had we become enmeshed in each other’s real lives?

What if meeting in person destroyed something rather than presenting us with more options?

Why did we each insist on making everything so complicated?

Why do I have to get lost on my own in ruminations? Because that’s just how my brain works. I turn over these things in my head trying to come to resolution within myself. Aada says that she wants to cut the string in some letters, and “for now, all I want is peace” in others. It’s confusing, and yet not. She has always reserved the right to change her mind.

“Hacking Aada” would be a beautiful movie if we wrote it together. But if you think that “Hacking Aada” is an interesting story, “Hacking Leslie” is even better. That’s just not my story to tell.

When I can turn a relationship into a movie with a title like that, looking for other people to interact with becomes challenging. I don’t mesh with everyone, and they don’t mesh with me. I run easily, whereas I didn’t before. I don’t put as much care and concern into the beginning of a relationship because I don’t want to risk as much in the beginning as I used to….. I need for a relationship to unfold, not arrive.

I also think that if my next partner didn’t have some of Aada’s qualities, I would be poorer for it.

I am grateful that Aada has never minded being on my murder board of polyamory as a yellow string. It gave both of us something to refer to in terms of closeness, and in fact she talks about the chord that runs between us more than I do…. Mostly when she’s saying she wants to cut it, but still….. 😉 I think she likes knowing she has the safety and security of never being a string that gets mixed up in color, that I clearly only want her for her smarts and indeed crave her brain when it’s not around….. It feels like half of mine is missing after 12 years.

I also don’t visualize anything, so seeing attractive people out and about doesn’t turn my head. I connect with people over emotions, which is why it’s not surprising to me that I fell for a pretty lady in the sky who could write her ass off.

We’ve never even hugged.

Her words are that powerful, and so are mine.

There are words in my heart only she can find, and I miss her teasing them out of me.

Having her come back and correct the record was both good and bad. I was getting away from talking/writing about her, starting to forget when she brought it all back. She did not hurt me, she just didn’t do anything to make me put the conflict down and forget about it.

However, I think I deserve to think about our conflicts in depth, because they direct what kind of partners I will accept in the future.

This relationship affects how people see me, and not always for the better. That’s because I’ve already written about it in detail, which limits my dating pool to other poly people who aren’t threatened by my web site.

This is not a bad thing.

I think that I’m, for the most part, a monogamous person. It’s my priorities that get shuffled around, because I don’t care how hot you are, how into you I am, if Aada calls you need to find shit to do.

I don’t know any wives or husbands who would live like that, so I don’t want one.

It’s been like that for 12 years, with Aada being more important to me than anyone else. Because I am only focusing on today, I don’t know whether I need to change that or not. I don’t think I want to, and not wanting to is a whole separate problem. Moving me is not easy. Not even I can do it.

But do I think I’m missing out on anything? No, I don’t. I would like to have both Aada and a partner in my life, one that understands Aada as well as I understand her husband. That we’re a foursome instead of Aada and I always fighting it out alone.

I know that these dreams are delusional, but I also know that they won’t come true if I don’t see them happening. I cannot control what Aada will do in the future, but I can control what I’m willing to do. I can create peace, safety, all of that for myself, a blessing whether she returns or not.

There will always be things between us that no one else knows, and that’s the part of our history that’s painful for both of us to throw away.

It’s a rebuilding year, when I decide what kind of house I want.

Cooking with Gas

October 25, 2025 ~ Leslie Lanagan ~ Leave a comment

Aada said she wondered if I ever turned my judgment on myself. I am having a low day, one in which I feel bad about everything I’ve ever written about her. I can’t take in that she said “sometimes it’s been a brilliant and beautiful journey,” because of course my heart, like hers, focuses on the negative, that sometimes it’s been “excruciating and debilitating.” I can only hope that these are operatic swells of emotion on the page, because them being God’s honest truth is debilitating for me.

I’m just a writer. What do I know?

I know that I feel small, that I’m working up to feeling valuable. I didn’t mean to punish anyone, but I did. Aada said that she felt like she had to step onto the hot stones and correct the record, Jesus H. Roosevelt Christ. I sat through all of my flaws and failures, taking them in one at a time and cataloging them for future flagellation.

And that is the heart of the matter. Aada and I don’t love ourselves enough to love each other in writing. We’ve never had the safety and security of a hug. We each look for the negative and think the positive is suspect. We each take home the other’s punishment and not the delight we’ve always felt when things are going well. We can’t make the delight last, and I think that my feelings for her are entirely to blame. They make our relationship too volatile, because I know something for sure. I am in love with her writer personality, and when I meet her in person, she will no longer be the same. She will be flesh and blood and all the things that make us human. Who knows if either of us like that person? Is that why we’ve been so afraid to try?

I definitely think that’s part of it, but would also calm everything down. Seeing her ensconced in her own happy relationships will take away the make-believe in my head. I just know that due to my own stupidity, it’s going to take even longer for that to happen and may not happen at all (the way I feel when I’m really hanging my head in shame). Am I embarrassed by the things I published? No, but I would take them down if Aada asked. As I’ve said before, I don’t have a choice in whether she reads or not, so the choice to be embarrassed has been taken from me. If she sees it, she sees it.

I will not be happy if all of my writings about her manipulations are taken as worse than my own, because we had an equal hand in wrecking our relationship. I am not thinking of her, but the way Manassas and Reston and Sacramento and Houston all exploded at once last Friday. Apparently, more people are interested in this story than I thought, because I thought that 12 years after I met Aada was enough time for no one to care about my silly blog anymore.

When I was finished writing that piece, I melted down and burned out, sleeping for several hours just to get peace. The horror of what I’d done had already set in, long before Aada arrived on my doorstep. My saving grace is that she said that the story could stand if that’s what I needed, but that saving grace put me into the ground with regret.

It’s a regret I’m learning to live around, that’s for sure.

But if Aada wants to see me humiliate myself more than she’s already been humiliated, she can read every blog entry I’ve written in the past. All of them contain embarrassing lines that are “not ready for prime time.” Do you think it was easy admitting I’d fallen for a pretty lady in the sky?

Fuck no.

To be fair, she is VERY PRETTY.

She is the movie star that would look like she was dating Pete Davidson.

Okay.

The thing about “checking for assaults” has to stop. Cold.

The thing I wish I could say? Woman, are you blind? I LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT.

This brilliant and beautiful journey needs to continue without its excruciating and debilitating aspects. She does not have the safety and security of knowing we could meet up for lunch and everything would be okay. That my writer personality is not 3D, that I would never even hug someone without consent, etc.

I do have manners, and regret every single time I decided not to use them. Aada has also apologized for everything, all of it. That’s a solid basis to rebuild if we choose to later in life, and I’m glad we didn’t walk away from each other in enmity.

I wonder where I’ll be the next time Aada decides to drop in, should she so choose. I am not convinced that she actually has the willpower to let go of me, but we will see if she prefers the brilliant and the beautiful as time goes by.

But it’s in thinking about where I’ll be that makes me so desperate for self-reflection, going into my ivory tower to work out where I need to go next. I think that there’s a few self-help books out there for me, ones I need to read if I want to maintain peace in all of my relationships.

No one can make me feel worse than I already do, and no one can make Aada feel worse than she does.

We’re licking our wounds, but the question that needs to be answered is whether we can be trusted with each other’s hearts. Can I grow from this, because I can only control that much? Can I discover what makes me come across as manipulative so no one feels that way? Can I take account of all the ripple effects my blog has caused? Am I strong enough to make amends where I can, letting people go if they no longer want to work on our relationship?

I am obviously not strong enough to feel like this relationship is over yet. As I told Aada, I can’t take in the enormity of forever all at once. I know we will not talk today, and I will say that to myself until forever arrives if that’s what needs to happen. I also need to get away from feeling like I am waiting for something to happen, that there’s an “us” when there hasn’t been for months.

What I know for sure is that I am a part of her wild and crazy brain. We will never get to the point where we don’t know each other again, because all it takes is a “hello” and my heart flips. I know my love for her is real when my heart flips and the e-mail is so raw it takes a chunk off my ass.

“Slow down, John Wayne.”

I miss the emails that are profanity laced and so funny I sag in my desk chair laughing. I do not miss all the pot shots we’ve taken at each other trying to prove political points.

I do not miss anything to do with fighting.

I would give anything to make time travel real, because I know exactly what changes I would make in my life to make this period happier. Things would have shaken out the same in terms of the divorce, but it would be a totally different landscape in terms of our friendship.

I would have fed the dogs, watered the plants, picked up the yard, whatever.

Anything to show her I love her in an asexual, aromantic way that is deeper than I’ve ever felt with anyone else. That looking for someone else is painful, because there’s no one like her.

There’s too much mystery, and not enough time. No matter how much time we have left, there will always be a bit of mystery. But that’s what keeps it interesting, what encourages me to put away any and all butterflies because I will not be accepted if I have them and shouldn’t.

I’m starting to realize that being Lord John Grey was indeed lonely for him, but there was no one like Jamie Fraser, either.

Now we’re cooking with gas.