Today Iām in the process of letting myself off the hook for āmakingā my closest ally feel bad by ābringing up bad feelings about the past.ā Hereās what she missed.
I was devastated when she married her husband and I told her that, including why. That it wasnāt because sheād said yes to him and not me. Iām not wired that way. It was because someone I thought of as dear to me didnāt even tell me when her name changed. But it was water under the bridge and trying to tell her an important part of my processā¦ including the fact that when I saw her husband through her eyes, it made my soul relax. She had someone to lean on in such a concrete way and it made me so happy rather than wondering if she was okay and not really feeling as if I could ask that question. I wasnāt focused on anything but wanting to know why sheād chosen to keep the information from me so I could stop thinking about it. I feel like Iād talk about an issue, sheād see me as trying to intentionally point out every flaw and failure she ever had, and Iād walk off like a kicked dog.
I was trying to tell her how much things had changed, that my perspective had grown as I did. That having a 50 foot view made me see how our patterns fit together and how far weād come over time. I was trying to tell her how much I loved her and she thought I was trying to make her feel bad. I thought it would mean a lot to her to hear that her light erasing my dark wasnāt dependent on whether she changed her sexual orientation. I donāt have that much power, and wouldnāt use it if I did.
When I was telling her that she could lean on me, she took it as psychoanalysis, which to be fair it was. But it wasnāt pointing out flaws and failures, and I didnāt write the letter like that. I wrote it with as much empathy as I could muster, saying that I knew sheād been through a lot and I wanted to help. What does anyone whoās ever loved you want more for you than having less pain? I knew that I could help her have less pain by taking it on and hurting for her, breathing through it with her so that we both smiled on the exhale. I wish I had been able to express it in a way that she could hear it, because she is perfect in all her flaws and failures. Just perfect. I feel the way about her that people feel about babiesā¦ that no matter what their lives will hold, you know youād die to protect them. Thereās a place in all of us that is that vulnerable, the one that feels defenseless, and I gave her mine.
She just took away my piece of her. Letās be clear, though. It was my fault entirely. She doesnāt do shit for no reason, but that doesnāt mean Iām not entitled to emotions about it.
I think she thinks I donāt know why she yanked my credentialsā¦. That the victim part is in thinking Iāve never done anything wrong. Just because I donāt say I know Iām responsible doesnāt mean that I donāt know it. Iāve said it in as many ways as I possibly could, but that doesnāt mean she heard it. But the thing is, I sound like a victim because Iām only talking about my problem with you because Iām not reading your mind and looking for your problem with me. I can take a guess, but it will come across as psychoanalysis, or so Iāve been told. š
I show my empathy by telling people what I think of what theyāre going through, and write with such care and attention most of the time. Sure, I have e-mails that just say āthanks,ā but thatās not the majority. It happens more frequently now, because Iām scared of starting friendship that doesnāt have an anchor.
Iām processing all this to let go of the past, certainly, but also to understand what I didnāt want for next time. The only way I can do that is to understand what happened so I donāt do it again. If I make a mistake, the pendulum swings to the other extreme so that I donāt have another appearance of the same mistake.
Itās not about her anymore. Itās about knowing what to do if anything like this happens again. I donāt want to lean into the surreal. I want to touch you at least once in our friendship, even if itās just you accidentally stepping on my heel. I need to prove that you are a solid mass as opposed to my conscience. š
Itās hard for people to accept that when they do something wrong, it doesnāt mean Iām taking love away. Iām not rejecting them. Iām trying to grow with them and not against them. If my beautiful girl is impressed by my enormous changes, it would stand to reason that weād be better friends now than we were, because those impressive changes would have happened together. I am not offended that she feels goaded and provoked because I know by now that she sees my concerns as bombs because sheās not that deep. Itās not that she canāt. Itās that thereās a lot of ādonāt want toā in ācaināt.ā I know this because sheās done it.
Iām tired of working out all our problems and it only changing me.
And if that seems harsh, so be it. I canāt think of anything Iāve said about her in recent memory that she hasnāt taken as something I said to intentionally hurt her without ever looking at the ways I was asking her to take care of me, and asking her what she needed to feel loved as well. Therefore, when she said that e-mails making her feel bad were becoming the norm rather than the exception, I had no idea what she was talking about and she wouldnāt elaborate. If I donāt know what hurts, I canāt stop doing it.
We also have issues in both being fixer/pleasers, butt hurt when weāre actively trying to fix and the other isnāt receptiveā¦ not out of malice, but idiocy. I was dialed into my emotions, she was cut off. It wasnāt personal all the way around. Sheās like that all the time, and so am I. But conflict with each other didnāt help. I keep asking myself why I required that of her, and let myself off the hook when I realized that it wasnāt me being demanding, it was me realizing that I couldnāt hold back my emotions. I couldnāt wall her off. I walked around in her inner landscape more than I should have, because she gave me a lot to think about that was interesting, and I gravitated toward interesting.
It made my asshole chew crackers when she said sheād marry Brene Brown (I would, too. Thatās not the point. š ). I can say that to you. It didnāt help hearing that Hannah Waddingham is hot as shit, either. Thatās because me saying I felt the same way about her wigged her out, and she told me that, too. So, sexuality is nonbinary when thereās not a chance in hell itās real. I am glad that she never in a million years said sheād marry me, even in jest. She definitely didnāt do it when she knew it was my landmine, but I mean early on, when neither of us could ever have done anything wrong. Thatās because I would have hurt about it long after I died.
I just donāt feel let down. I donāt feel disappointed that I just wasnāt it for her. I feel like she has the right to be completely who she is, and to wish I could change her is the height of entitlement. I hate those people. What I did wish for is integration, and not necessarily physically, as in a cup of coffee together. Just that sense of integrating our ideas so that we were both up to speed on what the other thought.
I didnāt like being thought of as an asshole, and I didnāt like that she wouldnāt tell me why. I canāt hear that Iām making you feel bad when Iāve just sent you an e-mail saying that weāre both miracles and perfect, not together (but I can see it), but in all the things that we bring to the world.
I just have no idea what she was talking about, because I can have empathy for the way you feel and also no idea how to fix your problem with me if you donāt give me a little more detail. What did I say that made you feel bad, because I am not going to go through every line and have my stomach hurt trying to read your mind.
I also didnāt think it was fair that I looked at every feeling she had about me, seeing her as a spectrum, not a binary. She had me pegged as a dickhead unless I called her out and then I was very impressive for a few minutes.
It would always go back, though, because she hated being judged and couldnāt wrap her brain around the fact that Iām not judgmental about people. Iām judgmental about situations, but not in a way thatās trying to hurt people. I mean like an ACTUAL judge. Someone who listens to all of the facts and collates what they think and feel. Judgment is a way of making decisions. How do you differentiate between signal and noise? Some people perceive, some people judge. One is not more or less than the other, theyāre different.
I judge people and situations to be perfect all the time. My judgment not only sees problems and analyzes them, it also makes me an incredible gift giver because since Iāve actually spent time muddling through our issues, I remember more of what you say and little things stick. Your favorite charities. Your job. Your interests. Your teams. Just anything that will tell you that when you get a gift from me, Iāve been paying attention. For instance, if your job requires that you be absolutely wired at all times, Iāll send you SBUX to maximize where you can spend the money. If it is Galentineās Day, I will make you waffles, or send you a gift certificate to buy them. If I find out youāve been a fan of Arsenal since you were a kid, Iāll kit you out over the next five years.
Itās a little bit like Sherlock Holmes deducing information, because through logic, he has a more complete data set than people think he does. I have a similar example to Holmes knowing Watson fought in Afghanistan. Not that extreme, of course. Itās just that Iāve picked up things over the years because Iām reading everything sheās not saying as well. This isnāt it, but a universal example would be someone being lactose intolerant because theyāve never said that, yet when you ask them what they want from a coffee shop, itās always vegan.
The heuristic is that itās more likely that someone is lactose intolerant than they just donāt like milk if theyāve never indicated they eat vegan food.
But I donāt tell her any of that crap to make her feel bad. I tell her that stuff because what I think is going to make her feel noticed and appreciated makes her feel terrible. If I canāt fix that, I need to move on, because it hurts too much to hurt her.
I let her go because I loved her, not because I was being a toddler.
If Iām the only one that makes her feel bad, my reactions donāt feel amazing, either. Iām just willing to tell you why so that more information means less conflict. Or it should, anyway.
Besides, fuck marrying Brene, because obviously if she hadnāt learned Microsoft Word from me, she wouldnāt be Brene Brown. I am directly responsible for all of her success and I wonāt believe anything else. š
Stories That Are All True 