Don’t Kill the Chicken

What was the last thing you did for play or fun?

The last thing I did for play/fun was finally install Skyrim: Anniversary Edition on my new desktop. At first, I didn’t think 512 MB of VRAM was going to be enough for that game, but it runs flawlessly, even with scripts running in the background. I like Bethesda games because I have no problem toggling God mode and carrying a thousand pieces of firewood if it means only having to make one trip.

If you’ve never played Skyrim, it’s not really a video game so much as a classic role-playing game. You can buy a house. You can get married. You can invest in local businesses, or add a mod where you can literally build your own town (I use Silverstead Mine, but I like player homes so much I have mods for Dawnstar and Haafinger as well. Of the vanilla houses, I like Severin Manor the best, and if we’re not including Dragonborn/Dawnguard, I like Hjerim. Honorable mention to Vlindrel Hall, but even in video games I have trouble navigating steps, so seriously. Fuck Markarth and Proudspire Manor. 😛

The mod I use for a player home in Dawnstar is called “Morskom Estate,” and it’s just the most fun house I’ve ever had because it has a sauna and a dock with travel boat. In the Anniversary Edition, apparently you can take it fishing, but it’s most useful getting from Dawnstar to Solitude or Windhelm. Interestingly enough, it will only take you to Windhelm. It doesn’t make sense that you can’t “drive yourself” to Solstheim.

I also like the Serana Dialogue Overhaul, because it adds follower tweaks that Serana doesn’t have in the vanilla game. The best is that you get a spell to bring her to you. Before that, I had a bat file to take me to her, because Lord knows if you need a companion they are off doing God knows what…. Except Lydia. Lydia is always in front of the door you need. I get “Companion’s Insight” from a Black Book on Solstheim and I will literally hit her with a shield to get her to move out of the way. I do not advocate violence, but I do not have time for Lydia’s foolishness. She’s gotten me killed more than once.

Now that I’m an advanced player, I have access to magic that will actually accomplish something, like conjuring warriors instead of fighting myself. I also have spells that will cast a bow or a sword if I don’t want to carry them. I didn’t think those spells were very powerful, but I have taken down several things that I didn’t think I could. I enchant everything to make archery easier, so I’m guessing that spell is particularly powerful (the spell is called “Bound Bow”).

In fact, I downloaded a clean save that has all the main quests finished. Nexus has clean saves of all kinds, because we’ve all heard the same dialogue a million times. I have killed Alduin so many times I think he thinks, “oh my God. Not this bitch again…” Even with all the main quests finished, there’s still hundreds of hours I haven’t played, because I haven’t been able to install Anniversary Edition. Therefore, I haven’t had access to those mods (included in the game, but made by fans), nor have I played the most famous ones like:

  • Beyond Reach
  • Wheels of Lull
  • Vigilant
  • Darkend
  • Interactive College of Winterhold
  • Beyond Skyrim: Bruma

I’ve downloaded more than that, but these are the ones I haven’t done a complete playthrough. Beyond Skyrim: Bruma is particularly massive, because it’s basically putting half of Oblivion right into Skyrim (Oblivion is the previous game in The Elder Scrolls. I didn’t find it as much fun as Skyrim because there are no dragons there. However, the storyline is a banger and the main quest ended me emotionally. I have never in my lifetime been that surprised at a plot twist. I nearly fell out of my desk chair. If you haven’t played Oblivion, it will run on your computer far easier than Skyrim and it’s worth a look. But again, you can’t fight or ride a dragon………).

The best mod I’ve found if you like playing an explorer type is “Legacy of the Dragonborn,” and it’s even more beautiful in the Anniversary Edition. Basically, the museum is located in Solitude, and you can store all your stuff there. They’ll even give you a safehouse with every crafting station you can possibly imagine. There’s even a replicating device, so that if you want to use a weapon or whatever, you can make a fake and the original stays in your inventory. You’re walking around Skyrim doing archaeological digs, finding old coins, old weapons, etc. Just fascinating because it also covers weird gems, sea creatures, and a weird quest in which you go into your Natural Science wing and every creepy creature you’ve previously put stuffed on a pedestal comes alive…. except the dragons, because you have already taken their souls. I also don’t believe they can fly inside.

The best part of Skyrim is just exploring things. It would be fun even if you disabled all the combat, because you’re just meeting people, crafting items, selling stuff, and decorating your home.

In terms of organization, I use a mod to keep track of everything. You fill out an item list, and then you say “store all,” and everything goes back into the cabinet. You link the cabinet to your workbench or grindstone, you don’t have to carry ingots and leather and all that crap on you. All my soul gems and alchemy ingredients are arranged the same way. Although I did download a fish mod, too, because I have a hatchery in Haafinger, and you also get one at Winstead Manor (the Morthal player home). I’m almost ready to join the Thieves Guild so I can buy Shadowfoot Sanctum. 😉

I’ve said this before, but I love The Thieves Guild because it reminds me of spy shows. It’s not smash and bash unless you want it to be. The smart way is to use invisibility spells and, failing that, a soul trap dagger. 😉 It makes me happy to enchant a sword with a bandit who tried to kill me and didn’t know who he was messing with. I enchant and improve the shit out of everything, so if I hit you with an arrow or a bolt, you’re probably going to be dead in one hit. This is because as a long-range archer, most of the time it’s a sneak attack. There’s 3x damage for that, and my bow’s base damage is 512 before the Chaos Damage and Fire Damage enchantments.

Speaking of Chaos Damage, I think it’s the most effective enchantment in the game, and you can combine it with anything. Paralysis or Frost/Fire damage is most effective, but definitely use Frost Damage on Stahlrim weapons because frost enchantments are 20% more effective. Even so, a Stahlrim bow just does not have the power mine does- it’s made of dragon bone, with dragon bone arrows. I also carry a dragon bone sword. I would like to say I picked them up in the Soul Cairn, but no. I crafted them myself.

I have climbed up the ranks in Skyrim so many times that I have scripts for all that now. I load a clean save and then godmode the shit out of it. I have one that will give me all my smithing materials, and one that gives me Daedric armor and weapons, all the enchantments, all the Shouts, 90 dragon souls, one of every alchemy ingredient, maxes out health, stamina, and magika, sets my level at 81, and gives me all the perks in every tree. I can do that now. I paid my dues. 😉 I’m not giving myself an advantage, I’m not starting over every time I reinstall Skyrim. It’s still annoying to start a new game because you still have to unlock all the shouts, destroy all the enchanted items to gain the “recipe,” and I have to find a place to store everything I’m carrying when one bat file means I’m carrying 3,400 pounds.

A few things about Skyrim:

  • I see The Blades’ point.
    • I have never agreed with them.
    • I have never even looked up a video to see what happens if you kill Paarthurnax, nor could I blow up Megaton in Fallout 3.
  • I can’t play an outright evil character all the time.
    • It’s always my Virgo nature vs. my morality in Skyrim because on the one hand, I don’t want to be evil. On the other, I cannot look at an empty display case. I must have the required item if it kills me.
    • My favorite player home has a glitch where even if all three Elder Scrolls are in my inventory, it always says Dragon is missing. That’s why I keep my stuff in the museum, and how I became a shady character. You really have to watch with player home mods, because they aren’t always as stable as in-game homes….. in case you, also, hate to see empty display cases.

Legacy of the Dragonborn feels like Indiana Jones and Satchel from “Atomic Blonde” had a baby, and I’m here for it. The best part is that LotD has been around for so long that you can add display cases for all your mods as well.

There are a few places in Skyrim that I could go over and over. For instance, I have spent hours wandering around the Ancestor Glade. It’s so beautiful I can barely take it in. I also really, really love my house in Dawnstar because it’s up on the hill across from the docks and looks out over the water. Plus, there are those huge cauldrons full of coals that you light in both the front and back yards, plus the hanging lights in the living room. It’s really funny, I saw a playthrough of Morskom Estate where this woman was saying, “how do you light those things?!” I thought, “lady… you are a wizard.” (you point the Flames spell at it).

This is the first playthrough I’ve ever done as a Nord, because the clean save character was Nord and I didn’t bother to change it except for makeup and hair. Normally, I play Bosmer because they’re naturally good at archery. Even as an elf, I still love the Nordic carved armor and weapons. Even though I carry dragon bone, I’m constantly making Nordic carved swords and shields for my display cases.

The one annoying think is that you can really punch up Auriel’s bow to crazy o’clock damage, but in the Serana Dialogue Overhaul, she gives you no small amount of shit if you carry it. It’s the bow that killed her father, so she will badger the piss out of you if you take it out. The only way to stop that dialogue is to put it in the museum. I haven’t done that quest yet, so it has a slot at Haafinger Hall. It has a display room for all the masks, paragons, Black Books, special weapons/staffs, etc.

I’m a simple player, though. I get out there and either shoot long range or drink an invisibility potion. I don’t like to cut off heads, and I have in power moves. In fact, I just cut off Tilisu Severin’s head earlier….. not that I meant to, I just hit whatever mouse combination does a power move and her head sailed across the room. Oops, my bad. Should I leave a note?

Game mechanics are so weird. The funniest thing is using your Unrelenting Force to magically throw someone off a mountain. The best is a frost troll, no doubt. If I had to pick my least favorite villain, it’s the Forsworn, because there’s just so many of them, and they’re also good at ranged attacks. It’s amazing how many times you can be hit without noticing, then all of a sudden “thank God there’s a potion for that.”

Because Skyrim is so popular, it has been the source of many memes and is a fandom all its own… but really, there are only two rules. The first is “don’t kill a chicken.” Everyone in the town will start attacking you, and you’ll get bounties in whatever hold you’re in. I’ve never made that mistake, because it’s so storied I knew not to do it probably a year before I even played the game. The second rule is that you have to put a “muffle” enchantment on Lydia’s boots or she will 100% sell you out. She cannot sneak for shit, and she will get you killed, particularly in the early game when you have no way to stop her. There’s a mod called “Amazing Follower Tweaks” that helps with this, because you can change it where a companion never leads you into battle, they’re always behind you.

There are two mods that have made my playthroughs so much easier. The first is “Longer Candlelight and Magelight Spells.” It increases both spells to 10 in-game minutes, which is invaluable in dungeons because you don’t have to carry a torch. You rarely have to cast it more than twice. That way, you don’t have to use destruction magic, you can switch back to your bow or sword. Another thing I learned is that if you have “Candlelight” in one hand and “Bound Bow” in the other, you cannot cast a spell. That’s because “Bound Bow” becomes a two-handed weapon. If you know the game well enough to know what level enemy you’re going to be facing, it’s perfectly adequate. Just not as good as something crafted to “Legendary” status.

The other is Carriage and Ferry Travel Overhaul. It gets a little more specific. The first is that you can add a lanterns mod so it makes the carriages easier to see. The second is that it will take you to multiple places in the hold. You pick the hold, and then it will list the capital city and then a few around it. Like, if I’m going to Haafinger, it will ask if I want to be dropped off in Solitude or Dragon Bridge, etc. Very, very handy.

If I had to pick a favorite quest, it’s going to Wolfskull Cave and driving out the people trying to resurrect Potema, because the second half is so cool. I love crawling around in the Solitude crypts with vampires and skeletons. Also, “Marked for Death” and “Drain Vitality” are amazing shouts to use when you’re facing Potema herself.

If I had to pick a favorite character, there are three, all Dark Elves. The first is Geldis Saadri, owner and proprietor of The Retched Netch, the pub in Solstheim. The second is Councilor Morvayn, and this is totally because I think he’s hot in a weird way. The third is Neloth, the wizard that takes you to get the black book about Miraak. Neloth sounds like a bitchy queen and I love him SO MUCH. Just the way he talks alone. If we’re limiting ourselves to the vanilla game, it’s probably Karliah, but I won’t tell you why because I can’t tell you who she is without a spoiler. Perhaps you all do play Skyrim, and the spoiler is old, but I know my crowd. They don’t generally play any video games, much less fanatical about one.

I just enjoy playing this game once in a while. It’s more fun to be in that world over and over than it is to play new games because most people have comfort shows. It’s the same for me, mine is just interactive…. and because my computer is up to snuff, the game is stable. There is nothing like having an hour’s worth of gameplay hosed because of a scripting error. You boot the game up and think, “please have saved somewhere near where I was…” It hardly ever does, because Fallout 3 has a great mod for autosaving and Skyrim doesn’t, or at least, the ones I’ve tried haven’t worked, and in fact corrupted my save file worse.

That’s how I got onto the idea of “clean saves.” You need something that doesn’t already have dependencies on mods, so there are people who have run through the main quests at level one to make them as easy as possible so that the save still starts you out on a relatively low level. For some reason, there are people who like to make the game harder. I do not. I have potatoes to plant.

Whether I choose to plant them in Skyrim or Morrowind remains to be seen. I do so love Severin Manor. I found a mod called “TNF Homes” that redecorates every vanilla player home in the game. The only thing I don’t like is that Severin Manor already had all the crafting stations in the basement, and they took out the forge and the smelter.

And as we’ve established, that’s like half the game. I like to change clothes a lot. I just made mercenary armor…. for fun.

The Yahrtzeit

Don’t call me. I know you’ll all want to when you hear what I have to say. I am leaving tomorrow to go to Houston for the first time since my mother’s death. But stop yourselves from reaching out to give Lindsay and me room to grieve on our own. If we end up getting together with friends at any point, I’ll make sure you’re included. But we haven’t gotten that far. We’ve only planned what we’re going to do on the actual anniversary of my mother’s death on the second, besides attending my cousin Hunter’s wedding the day before.

Because I thought I’d be in DC during the wedding, I did not RSVP, so I hope they can haul ass to the kitchen, rearrange the food, and squish in a place setting to welcome a “Haiti-an. It actually is important to me to go to this wedding. It’s my mother’s brother’s second child, so I will get to see everyone on that side of the family at a time when we really need each other. Of course it is Hunter’s day, but seeing each other is an excellent added bonus. Plus, the wedding is in Tyler, Texas… the perfect amount of road trip. I haven’t done a real road trip in ages, so even that in and of itself is perfection.

When we get back, we’ve planned to go to the cemetery and just sit with Mom. We enjoy it because the cemetery we chose is so tranquil and peaceful it is an escape from the rest of the city. It’s also been a year since I’ve seen “Fred,” the infant-sized tree planted last year that will one day surround my mother’s grave in its majesty. I’m only sort of glad I waited this long, because I don’t think I would notice as much of a difference in “him” if I’d seen him every week.

Lindsay has said that she’s not crazy about the name “Fred.” I can’t wait to see what name she’s come up for “him.” For me, “Fred” was an easy choice because every plant I’ve ever had has been named “Fred….” and this Fred has people to take care of “him” that actually know what they’re doing. I don’t have to worry that I’m accidentally going to poison “him.” Plus, this time of year the weather should be pretty good… no pictures of the headstones with a “light dusting of snow.” We’ll eat and drink it what is hopefully sunshine and not threatening grey weather. But rest assured that I would carry six golf umbrellas before I missed going to see my mother’s grave.

It is such a bittersweet experience, because logically I know that I am just talking to her shell. Emotionally, she feels very real and present…. not in a viscerally physical way, just that her spirit is near.

It was that spirit which brought me to my knees. I didn’t want to spend that day alone, either, because I didn’t want to spend it with anyone but Lindsay and she’d already come and gone for this week.

She and my father both worked on this idea to let us have our time to laugh and cry, and the fact that they thought it was important enough to spend their hard-earned money and/or frequent flier miles to make sure it happened is exactly the kind of thing my mother would have wanted.

Sometimes it’s hard to know what it is she actually would have wanted, and yet I know this one hits the nail on the head. Now if Forbes, my stepdad, needs to get his internet fixed or his cable is down, that would just be the icing on the cake. My mother assumed my entire adult life that because I work in Information Technology, if it plugged into the wall, I could fix it. She once actually flew me to Houston just to fix her computer because it was exactly the same price as taking it to Best Buy,â„¢ and she knew that I would be nicer to her than they would because I wouldn’t try to upsell her on anything. 🙂

As it turned out, I couldn’t fix the computer after all, because it was a hardware problem and not software… but I still earned my keep. I told her that for the same price as getting her old computer fixed (emphasis on old), she could buy a cheap throwdown that would do everything she wanted it to do and I could transfer all of her files for her, or just install her old hard drive as a secondary drive in the new one. I ended up just transferring her files because I didn’t know whether the hard drive was about to blow, and thanks to her excellent grasp of “the Mommy Save,” it was ridiculously easy. The term “Mommy Save” is an old IT Help Desk joke that refers to people who have no idea how directory structures work, so everything they’ve ever worked on is an icon on the desktop. Mind you, not folders created on the desktop. Individual files that cover every possible millimeter of desktop real estate so it doesn’t even matter what the wallpaper is… you can’t see it, anyway.

And, of course, my mother also had no idea how installing peripherals worked, so of course things that were simple to me, like installing the printer/scanner/copier driver, seemed like magic to her. She really thought it was magic when I discovered that her PSC had wireless and set up every computer in the house to print to it, and enabled file sharing so that she didn’t have to e-mail Forbes everything she wanted him to see.

I also locked down her router so that no one in her neighborhood could steal bandwidth from her using the router’s default username and password, the one that had been on it for, like, two years. I think I gave it the SSID “Baker’s Dozen,” because Baker was her married name…. but I TOLD her it was “Carolyn’s Tattoo Parlor and BBQ Pit.” Because she’d known me my whole life, she knew I was just kidding… and I knew exactly what she was thinking…. my Godyou are way too much like your father. I don’t think I am….. he’s WAY more funny than me. Just more practice at it, I guess…. or at least, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it. Perhaps one day his little grasshopper will reach satori, but I am not holding my breath.

Although this story may come close.

I love temporary tattoos, because there are lots of tattoos I like, but won’t commit to them forever. I was out shopping and found some really cool ones- tribal representations of animals, armbands, etc. My mother, however, did not like tattoos AT ALL. So, I wake up before she does and put this GIANT tiger temp tattoo on my neck. Not even an Oxford button-down will cover it. She comes into the kitchen a little while later and I can see the wheels in her head turning, trying not to explode as she thinks through all the jobs I’ve just lost. She tries so hard….. when did you get your tiger tattoo? If it’s on your neck, it must’ve really hurt. Do you think your job will care? How did you manage to hide it? I didn’t even see it last night…….. Your mom is going blind in her old age……. I let her twist in the wind for a few more minutes before I took some cotton balls and a small bottle of baby oil out of my pocket and rubbed it off. It was nice to see some blood come back into her face, and she laughed- not necessarily because she thought it was funny, but because she knew she’d been had and it was exactly the type joke her firstborn would play on her…. but not before trying to convince me that she’d known it was fake all along, that she was just trying to keep it going, etc. I didn’t buy it for a second, but it was hilarious to watch her backpedal nonetheless.

My mom was one of the smartest people I’ve ever met, but because her brain worked on a very high, creative plane most of the time, jokes often went over her head. She had bigger things to think about than whether her daughter was pranking her or not, which made her an easy target, especially since she was so willing to laugh at herself.

One of the times she absolutely lost it laughing at herself was when my dad took my mom, sister, and me to our friend Hardy Roper’s vacation house in Galveston. It had a dock on the bay side of the island, and Lindsay and I were doing a half-hearted job of fishing, using cheese as bait (or as my sister said, “WE’RE GONNA CATCH FISH WITH CHEESE!!!!!). I was wearing my favorite loafers, which happened to be pretty expensive, and my mom just knew I was going to drop them in the water while my feet were dangling over the side. She rushed over to me and said, hand me your shoes. If you lose them, we won’t be able to replace them. So, I hand them to her, and for whatever reason, at exactly that moment she was thrown of balance and promptly dropped both of my precious loafers into the bay. We laughed until we cried…. which is exactly what I want to do at the cemetery.

Of course I miss my mother, and it is incredibly sad, but it is a good thing that part of grief is the uncontrollable laughter of reminiscence.

If there’s anything I hope for during this trip, it’s that nearly every sentence begins with do you remember the time when Mom……………… It is the best opening line for me since once upon a time………….. because once upon a time, I could not laugh like this. 2017-09-30 00_53_56-Mourner's Kaddish _ ReformJudaism.orgI was too engrossed in survivor’s grief, not allowing myself joy because it did not seem appropriate to have fun. I felt that the only thing I deserved was to look down in sadness, tear my clothes, and even though I’m not Jewish, say the Kaddish (also known as The Mourner’s Kaddish) in her honor. If you’ve never heard it, the graphic to the right is the prayer in Hebrew. What follows is the English:

Exalted and hallowed be God’s great name
in the world which God created, according to plan.

May God’s majesty be revealed in the days of our lifetime
and the life of all Israel — speedily, imminently, to which we say Amen.

Blessed be God’s great name to all eternity.

Blessed, praised, honored, exalted, extolled, glorified, adored, and lauded
be the name of the Holy Blessed One, beyond all earthly words and songs of blessing,
praise, and comfort. To which we say Amen.

May there be abundant peace from heaven, and life, for us and all Israel,
to which we say Amen.

May the One who creates harmony on high, bring peace to us and to all Israel.
To which we say Amen.

I ask all of your blessings as two Christians try to make their own theme & variation on a yahrtzeit that weaves my mother’s personality throughout. The concept of the yahrtzeit is extremely meaningful to me, because it is not the first anniversary of a loved one’s death, but all of them. I tend to steal borrow from all faith traditions as I try and navigate the largest unknown I’ve ever faced. Making things better probably won’t come out of one book, but many. I mean, not everybody can be Doug Forcett.

I would appreciate each and every one of you holding space for Lindsay and me as we survey dark wilderness…. because maybe next year, having some contour lines will help.

In the meantime, I am praying not only on the words, but the spaces in between. Often, the wisdom is in the pause.

#prayingonthespaces